Isn’t it annoying when a blogger decides to get all Buzz Killington on you in some shameless attempt to drive hits and reach for that elusive “I told you so!” moment in the unlikely event he or she is actually right?
Yes. Yes it is.
Don’t worry, folks, I’m not here to crap in anyone’s Corn Flakes. I just thought it might be amusing, on the eve of the UFC’s triumphant debut on network TV, to let the air out of everyone’s tires so to speak. To “take the piss” out of the situation, as Mike Bisping might say (and, you know, other folks from England).
No, I’m not forecasting doom and gloom. No, I don’t think any of what I’m going to say will happen. Still, nothing wrong with a little harmless discussion, right?
And you can be damn sure I’ll be hollering “I told you so!” in the event I’m actually right. It’s tradition, after all.
So without further ado, let’s run down the ways UFC on FOX can go horribly, horribly wrong, starting with:
The Main Event Is Like Godfather: Part III: Really Bad, for a Really Long Time
Wait, what? How could the main event possibly be a dud? This is Cain Velasquez and Junior Dos Santos we’re talking about here. These guys are gamers! They’re bangers! They’re a whole bunch of other adjectives Mike Goldberg spits out every time Dana White jams a pencil in his back during a PPV broadcast.
How could this fight be boring?
Here’s how: watch Cain Velasquez vs. Cheick Kongo. Now substitute the scary Frenchman with the white glasses for the scary Brazilian with the funny-looking ears.
Was Kongo vs. Velasquez a boring fight? Not exactly, but it’s a long way away from the dynamic heavyweight showdown Dana White has promised everyone on Saturday night. If Junior hurts Cain every time he touches him—and if Cain then takes him down and lets it rain pitter-patter punches as a result—the UFC could have its own version of Shields vs. Hendo on network TV.
The Main Event Is Like The Return of the King: It Doesn’t F*cking End
Disqualification. Doctor’s stoppage. A throwing in of the towel. A split draw. A double KO. A freak magnetic storm. Stone Cold Steve Austin running down to the cage and hitting everyone with a steel chair. You name it.
If this fight doesn’t have an ending—and by that, I mean one man clearly and cleanly besting the other for the UFC Heavyweight championship—then heads are damn sure going to roll.
Just imagine it. We go from the cheesy epicness of this to another draw, or eye poke-induced doctor’s stoppage, or even…parish the thought…a “Cecil Peoples” style decision from the judges.
I think only the Mayhem vs. all of Stockton brawl or the infamous “Kimbo Slice vs. the life form on James Thompson’s ear” fight would measure up to such an event on the “clusterf*ck-o-meter.”
Someone Gets Injured Last Minute/Someone Doesn’t Make Weight
The only thing worse than a dud or “screwy” main event is no main event at all.
Just picture it: Cain Velasquez, coming off a bad shoulder tear, re-aggravates his injury during a last-minute training session. Or Junior Dos Santos can’t make weight while carrying the hopes and dreams of his entire impoverished nation on his back (hey, I’m just going by what they said on “Primetime”!).
Just like that, UFC on FOX has no main event. Months of promotional work flushed down the toilet. Nothing to do but bite the bullet…or give Kimbo a call and see if MMA fans really ARE that shallow.
Mike Goldberg Comes Down with a Last-Minute Flu
Wait, this is supposed to be worst-case scenarios. Oops, my mistake, folks.
Someone Pulls a Brock
Let’s take a minute to flashback to UFC 100, and Brock Lesnar’s infamous post-fight “interview.”
Now let’s take another minute to allow hardcore fans to swallow the lump that just formed in their throats and get their blood pressure under control.
An outburst like that on network TV—a lewd, loud “get on my wife, screw Bud Light!” disaster—would be the death knell of this sport. Or something else really ominous-sounding.
Am I saying either Cain or Junior is capable of “pulling a Brock”? No, but this is supposed to be the worst-cast scenario, isn’t it?
The Barnburner Fight Between Ben Henderson and Clay Guida, for Some Ridiculous Reason, Doesn’t Make the Network Broadcast After Being Billed as a No. 1 Contenders Match
Wait, this is actually happening? Wow, that’s terrible. Bendo should stop praying to Jesus and start praying to the network TV gods, because he’s getting shafted here big time. Maybe the bigwigs at FOX weren’t comfortable with Guida’s outrageous caveman burps between rounds.
They Cut to Bantamweight Champ Dominick Cruz, and Someone Actually Recognizes Him
God bless “The Dominator,” but if his smiling visage draws even a lick of fan reaction, it’s time to break out your asbestos rain coat and start scanning the skies for four PO’ed horsemen.
Hearing “Brock Is Still the Best!” from Your Casual Fan Buddy, No Matter Who Wins
Like rain, death, and taxes this “worst-case scenario” is a certainty. Sorry. And don’t bother responding with facts. Like punching The Hulk in the balls, it’s only going to make your situation worse.
Mexican and Mexican-American Fans DON’T Accept Cain Velasquez as the Next Coming of Latino-Jesus
You hear that sound? That’s the sound of Dana’s pocketbook crying.
Floyd Mayweather Climbs in the Ring After Pac/Marquez III and Challenges Pac-Man to the Biggest Boxing Match Ever…After Pac Gets Absolutely Crushed in Under a Round.
They see me trollin’. They hatin’.
OK, folks, like a 65-year-old man who’s spent the last two minutes having sex, I’m spent. If you got any more ideas, well, hit a brotha up in the comments section!
And remember, kids, stay positive. Life’s not that bad. Even if the main event sucks, or the production is cheesy, or Goldberg hyperbolizes so badly his goatee’d head explodes…well…Kid Yammamoto might actually get a win Saturday night!
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