Tag: Christiane Cyborg

Ronda Rousey: ‘Crazy’ Like a Champion


(Ronda Rousey after successfully defending her UFC bantamweight title against Liz Carmouche in February. | Photo via Getty)

By Elias Cepeda

There seems to be a lot of chatter about Ronda Rousey’s mental state lately. The UFC women’s bantamweight champion has always gotten attention for her intensity and arm-snapping viciousness, but ever since Rousey the TUF 18 Coach began appearing on television a few weeks ago, the notion that the undefeated fighter is mentally unstable has started to pick up steam.

There was Ronda becoming infuriated when Meisha Tate dared to celebrate her own fighter’s win over Team Rousey’s Shayna Baszler. There was Ronda getting in the face of and taunting Tate’s coach/manager/boyfriend Bryan Caraway. There was Ronda kicking open the UFC gym door and screaming Tate’s team out because they’d gone approximately 30 seconds over their scheduled time. In last week’s episode, Ronda launched some of her trademark hostility against UFC vet and Team Tate assistant coach Dennis Hallman.

And then, of course, there’s Ronda crying. A lot. Like, all the time.

Not your normal, boo-hoo type of crying, either. Hers is an angry, motivated and terrifying type of cry. Former Strikeforce champion and would-be Rousey rival Cristiane “Cyborg” Justino called Rousey “mentally sick” after watching her on The Ultimate Fighter. Recently, Hallman did an interview where he recounted a story of an incident he said happened on the TUF set where Rousey told a producer of the show to shut their mouth while she was speaking to her, and then said that he believed that Ronda had mental health issues.

I’ve already written in partial jest that Rousey’s mind is evidently a dark and scary place, but is the two-time Olympian “crazy?” The simple answer is, “no.”

If Ronda Rousey is crazy, it’s the type of crazy that has become familiar to us in great competitors. Rousey isn’t an out-of-control head case, she’s a competitor. She’s not crazy, she’s a champion. And like many champions before her, Ronda is a fiercer competitor than most professional athletes. Her hyper-competitiveness, her apparent need to establish dominance in almost every and any situation, and her ability to used even perceived slights as fuel are traits Rousey shares with the likes of Michael Jordan and Anderson Silva.


(Ronda Rousey after successfully defending her UFC bantamweight title against Liz Carmouche in February. | Photo via Getty)

By Elias Cepeda

There seems to be a lot of chatter about Ronda Rousey’s mental state lately. The UFC women’s bantamweight champion has always gotten attention for her intensity and arm-snapping viciousness, but ever since Rousey the TUF 18 Coach began appearing on television a few weeks ago, the notion that the undefeated fighter is mentally unstable has started to pick up steam.

There was Ronda becoming infuriated when Meisha Tate dared to celebrate her own fighter’s win over Team Rousey’s Shayna Baszler. There was Ronda getting in the face of and taunting Tate’s coach/manager/boyfriend Bryan Caraway. There was Ronda kicking open the UFC gym door and screaming Tate’s team out because they’d gone approximately 30 seconds over their scheduled time. In last week’s episode, Ronda launched some of her trademark hostility against UFC vet and Team Tate assistant coach Dennis Hallman.

And then, of course, there’s Ronda crying. A lot. Like, all the time.

Not your normal, boo-hoo type of crying, either. Hers is an angry, motivated and terrifying type of cry. Former Strikeforce champion and would-be Rousey rival Cristiane “Cyborg” Justino called Rousey “mentally sick” after watching her on The Ultimate Fighter. Recently, Hallman did an interview where he recounted a story of an incident he said happened on the TUF set where Rousey told a producer of the show to shut their mouth while she was speaking to her, and then said that he believed that Ronda had mental health issues.

I’ve already written in partial jest that Rousey’s mind is evidently a dark and scary place, but is the two-time Olympian “crazy?” The simple answer is, “no.”

If Ronda Rousey is crazy, it’s the type of crazy that has become familiar to us in great competitors. Rousey isn’t an out-of-control head case, she’s a competitor. She’s not crazy, she’s a champion. And like many champions before her, Ronda is a fiercer competitor than most professional athletes. Her hyper-competitiveness, her apparent need to establish dominance in almost every and any situation, and her ability to used even perceived slights as fuel are traits Rousey shares with the likes of Michael Jordan and Anderson Silva.

Joe Rogan shared a keen observation about high-level competitors on his podcast once. He spoke about legendary athletes like Jordan, Muhammad Ali, and Mike Tyson and how traits of theirs that could be considered flaws, actually helped make them the champions they were.

“A lot of success in athletics comes down to almost, like, a psychosis,” Rogan said. “At a real high level of anything, there’s a certain amount of crazy behavior to get to this incredible position like Michael Jordan or Muhammad Ali or Mike Tyson in his prime. There’s a madness.”

Joe Rogan on the madness of excellence

MJ not only held on to grudges longer than anyone and turned them into fifty-point games, he was also so ruthlessly competitive that he punched his own teammates in the head during practices. Ali literally, and arguably criminally, stalked Sonny Liston outside his home, and before their first fight doctors came close to not even allowing the brash young star to compete because of his erratic behavior at the weigh in and because his heart rate and blood pressure were at dangerous levels afterwards. Anderson Silva has spent more time talking and taunting and pantomiming during some fights than actually fighting. He has worn masks, kissed and shoulder-checked opponents in the face during weigh-ins.

We don’t really have to detail Mike Tyson’s crazy behavior for you, do we?

Ronda Rousey’s craziness is becoming part of her persona, but it is clear that she’s often times acting out on purpose. She’s already said that a chief part of her strategy in her rematch with Tate is to get her opponent so angry and agitated by her antics leading up to the fight that she will not fight smart — something that Rousey believes happened in their first fight and helped her win so fast.

As for how legitimately touchy Ronda appears to be at times, her mind might very well be wired differently, but it is also likely a key to all her success. Like Silva and Jordan, Rousey appears to be a master at being able to use anything to fuel and motivate herself.

And, if Rousey couldn’t manufacture extra things to motivate her in fighting Tate again, there simply might not be enough there for her to be sharp. Think about it. Ronda beat Tate already and did so quickly and decisively. Most recently, Tate went out and lost to Cat Zingano in her UFC debut. Ronda, still undefeated, now has to fight a woman who she’s already beaten and who has lost two out of her last three fights.

Chances are that Ronda needs a little extra motivation to fight Tate again and so she’s giving it to herself on this season of TUF. In the sense of living a happy and healthy life outside of or after your competitive career, are traits like hyper competitiveness, a need to dominate, and an ability to make mountains our of mole hills great for a person’s emotional health? Maybe not. Would Rousey have become a champ without those traits, though? Unlikely.

Rousey is exactly what she has needed to be to succeed. That isn’t to discount how good, dedicated and hard fighting even someone as even-tempered as Meisha Tate can be and is. Tate is an excellent fighter, but how many of Rousey’s personality critics would be willing to put their money up against the champ in their rematch? All other things being equal in a fight, this writer will always bet on the meaner, madder dog.

So far, Ronda Rousey hasn’t met anyone meaner or madder and that’s a big reason why she’s the champ.

Ronda Rousey: ‘Crazy’ Like a Champion


(Ronda Rousey after successfully defending her UFC bantamweight title against Liz Carmouche in February. | Photo via Getty)

By Elias Cepeda

There seems to be a lot of chatter about Ronda Rousey’s mental state lately. The UFC women’s bantamweight champion has always gotten attention for her intensity and arm-snapping viciousness, but ever since Rousey the TUF 18 Coach began appearing on television a few weeks ago, the notion that the undefeated fighter is mentally unstable has started to pick up steam.

There was Ronda becoming infuriated when Meisha Tate dared to celebrate her own fighter’s win over Team Rousey’s Shayna Baszler. There was Ronda getting in the face of and taunting Tate’s coach/manager/boyfriend Bryan Caraway. There was Ronda kicking open the UFC gym door and screaming Tate’s team out because they’d gone approximately 30 seconds over their scheduled time. In last week’s episode, Ronda launched some of her trademark hostility against UFC vet and Team Tate assistant coach Dennis Hallman.

And then, of course, there’s Ronda crying. A lot. Like, all the time.

Not your normal, boo-hoo type of crying, either. Hers is an angry, motivated and terrifying type of cry. Former Strikeforce champion and would-be Rousey rival Cristiane “Cyborg” Justino called Rousey “mentally sick” after watching her on The Ultimate Fighter. Recently, Hallman did an interview where he recounted a story of an incident he said happened on the TUF set where Rousey told a producer of the show to shut their mouth while she was speaking to her, and then said that he believed that Ronda had mental health issues.

I’ve already written in partial jest that Rousey’s mind is evidently a dark and scary place, but is the two-time Olympian “crazy?” The simple answer is, “no.”

If Ronda Rousey is crazy, it’s the type of crazy that has become familiar to us in great competitors. Rousey isn’t an out-of-control head case, she’s a competitor. She’s not crazy, she’s a champion. And like many champions before her, Ronda is a fiercer competitor than most professional athletes. Her hyper-competitiveness, her apparent need to establish dominance in almost every and any situation, and her ability to used even perceived slights as fuel are traits Rousey shares with the likes of Michael Jordan and Anderson Silva.


(Ronda Rousey after successfully defending her UFC bantamweight title against Liz Carmouche in February. | Photo via Getty)

By Elias Cepeda

There seems to be a lot of chatter about Ronda Rousey’s mental state lately. The UFC women’s bantamweight champion has always gotten attention for her intensity and arm-snapping viciousness, but ever since Rousey the TUF 18 Coach began appearing on television a few weeks ago, the notion that the undefeated fighter is mentally unstable has started to pick up steam.

There was Ronda becoming infuriated when Meisha Tate dared to celebrate her own fighter’s win over Team Rousey’s Shayna Baszler. There was Ronda getting in the face of and taunting Tate’s coach/manager/boyfriend Bryan Caraway. There was Ronda kicking open the UFC gym door and screaming Tate’s team out because they’d gone approximately 30 seconds over their scheduled time. In last week’s episode, Ronda launched some of her trademark hostility against UFC vet and Team Tate assistant coach Dennis Hallman.

And then, of course, there’s Ronda crying. A lot. Like, all the time.

Not your normal, boo-hoo type of crying, either. Hers is an angry, motivated and terrifying type of cry. Former Strikeforce champion and would-be Rousey rival Cristiane “Cyborg” Justino called Rousey “mentally sick” after watching her on The Ultimate Fighter. Recently, Hallman did an interview where he recounted a story of an incident he said happened on the TUF set where Rousey told a producer of the show to shut their mouth while she was speaking to her, and then said that he believed that Ronda had mental health issues.

I’ve already written in partial jest that Rousey’s mind is evidently a dark and scary place, but is the two-time Olympian “crazy?” The simple answer is, “no.”

If Ronda Rousey is crazy, it’s the type of crazy that has become familiar to us in great competitors. Rousey isn’t an out-of-control head case, she’s a competitor. She’s not crazy, she’s a champion. And like many champions before her, Ronda is a fiercer competitor than most professional athletes. Her hyper-competitiveness, her apparent need to establish dominance in almost every and any situation, and her ability to used even perceived slights as fuel are traits Rousey shares with the likes of Michael Jordan and Anderson Silva.

Joe Rogan shared a keen observation about high-level competitors on his podcast once. He spoke about legendary athletes like Jordan, Muhammad Ali, and Mike Tyson and how traits of theirs that could be considered flaws, actually helped make them the champions they were.

“A lot of success in athletics comes down to almost, like, a psychosis,” Rogan said. “At a real high level of anything, there’s a certain amount of crazy behavior to get to this incredible position like Michael Jordan or Muhammad Ali or Mike Tyson in his prime. There’s a madness.”

Joe Rogan on the madness of excellence

MJ not only held on to grudges longer than anyone and turned them into fifty-point games, he was also so ruthlessly competitive that he punched his own teammates in the head during practices. Ali literally, and arguably criminally, stalked Sonny Liston outside his home, and before their first fight doctors came close to not even allowing the brash young star to compete because of his erratic behavior at the weigh in and because his heart rate and blood pressure were at dangerous levels afterwards. Anderson Silva has spent more time talking and taunting and pantomiming during some fights than actually fighting. He has worn masks, kissed and shoulder-checked opponents in the face during weigh-ins.

We don’t really have to detail Mike Tyson’s crazy behavior for you, do we?

Ronda Rousey’s craziness is becoming part of her persona, but it is clear that she’s often times acting out on purpose. She’s already said that a chief part of her strategy in her rematch with Tate is to get her opponent so angry and agitated by her antics leading up to the fight that she will not fight smart — something that Rousey believes happened in their first fight and helped her win so fast.

As for how legitimately touchy Ronda appears to be at times, her mind might very well be wired differently, but it is also likely a key to all her success. Like Silva and Jordan, Rousey appears to be a master at being able to use anything to fuel and motivate herself.

And, if Rousey couldn’t manufacture extra things to motivate her in fighting Tate again, there simply might not be enough there for her to be sharp. Think about it. Ronda beat Tate already and did so quickly and decisively. Most recently, Tate went out and lost to Cat Zingano in her UFC debut. Ronda, still undefeated, now has to fight a woman who she’s already beaten and who has lost two out of her last three fights.

Chances are that Ronda needs a little extra motivation to fight Tate again and so she’s giving it to herself on this season of TUF. In the sense of living a happy and healthy life outside of or after your competitive career, are traits like hyper competitiveness, a need to dominate, and an ability to make mountains our of mole hills great for a person’s emotional health? Maybe not. Would Rousey have become a champ without those traits, though? Unlikely.

Rousey is exactly what she has needed to be to succeed. That isn’t to discount how good, dedicated and hard fighting even someone as even-tempered as Meisha Tate can be and is. Tate is an excellent fighter, but how many of Rousey’s personality critics would be willing to put their money up against the champ in their rematch? All other things being equal in a fight, this writer will always bet on the meaner, madder dog.

So far, Ronda Rousey hasn’t met anyone meaner or madder and that’s a big reason why she’s the champ.

Cristiane ‘Cyborg’ Santos Asks to Be Released from the UFC, Fight with Rousey Officially Not Happening

Props: HDNetFights

The hope of a Ronda Rousey vs. Cristiane “Cris Cyborg” Santos superfight in the UFC may have just gone up in smoke, for good this time. According to Cyborg’s manager — a bespectacled fellow by the name of Tito “The Brain” Ortiz — the formerly-feared Brazilian striker has officially refused to drop to 135 pounds to compete in the Octagon, and she’ll now be seeking opportunities elsewhere. Here’s what Ortiz had to say last night on Inside MMA:

Right now, we’re actually waiting for [the] UFC to release [Cyborg]. We asked for them to release her, so Dana White actually talked to me yesterday. They gave an offer, I went to Cyborg and she said she didn’t want to do it—and we just asked for her release.

Since [the UFC] isn’t doing a 145-pound weight class, what else can they do? Now, she’s going to be released. Maybe we’ll go look somewhere else and you can see Cyborg crush another woman’s face in.

As Ortiz tells it, Cyborg was willing to drop to 140 to meet Rousey at a catchweight — though not until her fourth fight in the UFC for some reason — but cutting an additional five pounds would be physically impossible for Cyborg, and the UFC didn’t want to budge on the point. (Women carry less water-weight, and can’t cut as much weight as men, Dr. Ortiz explained.) Now, the only female MMA superfight available isn’t happening, which is also a serious blow for the future of women’s MMA in the UFC. How long will fans care about a division that only features one star?


Props: HDNetFights

The hope of a Ronda Rousey vs. Cristiane “Cris Cyborg” Santos superfight in the UFC may have just gone up in smoke, for good this time. According to Cyborg’s manager — a bespectacled fellow by the name of Tito “The Brain“ Ortiz — the formerly-feared Brazilian striker has officially refused to drop to 135 pounds to compete in the Octagon, and she’ll now be seeking opportunities elsewhere. Here’s what Ortiz had to say last night on Inside MMA:

Right now, we’re actually waiting for [the] UFC to release [Cyborg]. We asked for them to release her, so Dana White actually talked to me yesterday. They gave an offer, I went to Cyborg and she said she didn’t want to do it—and we just asked for her release.

Since [the UFC] isn’t doing a 145-pound weight class, what else can they do? Now, she’s going to be released. Maybe we’ll go look somewhere else and you can see Cyborg crush another woman’s face in.

As Ortiz tells it, Cyborg was willing to drop to 140 to meet Rousey at a catchweight — though not until her fourth fight in the UFC for some reason — but cutting an additional five pounds would be physically impossible for Cyborg, and the UFC didn’t want to budge on the point. (Women carry less water-weight, and can’t cut as much weight as men, Dr. Ortiz explained.) Now, the only female MMA superfight available isn’t happening, which is also a serious blow for the future of women’s MMA in the UFC. How long will fans care about a division that only features one star?

Thus far, we’ve generally sided with Rousey in her weight dispute with Cyborg. After all, Cyborg is the one coming back from a drug suspension, and has no authority to make demands on the champion, who happens to be the only reason that the UFC has a female division. But should the UFC have tried harder to make sure this match came together? Sure, 140 pounds is not a real weight class. But Rousey vs. Cyborg is a real fight.

 

Heads Up, Gamblers: Ronda Rousey Is Already Favored to Beat Cris Cyborg in Their Fantasyland Matchup


(If you are implying that this photo has anything to do with odds…you’re probably right.) 

You’ve gotta love the kind of needless analysis and ridiculous speculation that the Internet era has brought to modern sports. Despite the fact that the Ronda Rousey vs. Cristiane Cyborg fight is still trapped in MMA purgatory, the mere possibility of the matchup is apparently enough for several gambling sites around the MMA blogosphere to start laying out the betting lines for what could be the biggest fight in WMMA history. If it ever happens.

Currently, the women’s bantamweight champion is listed between a -160 to -170 favorite over the former featherweight champ on various sports gambling sites. Sure, Cristiane hasn’t fought in nearly a year since she was stripped of her title for a positive steroids test, and Ronda hasn’t met a challenger with anywhere near the kind of devastating knockout power that Cyborg possesses, but who are we to judge the motives of our cyber-bookie overlords?


(If you are implying that this photo has anything to do with odds…you’re probably right.) 

You’ve gotta love the kind of needless analysis and ridiculous speculation that the Internet era has brought to modern sports. Despite the fact that the Ronda Rousey vs. Cristiane Cyborg fight is still trapped in MMA purgatory, the mere possibility of the matchup is apparently enough for several gambling sites around the MMA blogosphere to start laying out the betting lines for what could be the biggest fight in WMMA history. If it ever happens.

Currently, the women’s bantamweight champion is listed between a -160 to -170 favorite over the former featherweight champ on various sports gambling sites. Sure, Cristiane hasn’t fought in nearly a year since she was stripped of her title for a positive steroids test, and Ronda hasn’t met a challenger with anywhere near the kind of devastating knockout power that Cyborg possesses, but who are we to judge the motives of our cyber-bookie overlords?

There is also the fact that Strikeforce might not even be around to host the fight when Cyborg’s suspension is lifted, but we have a feeling a certain brash, bald gentleman will be more than willing to oversee things in their absence. The question is, will the UFC be able to top the kind of sexified promos that Strikeforce was able to churn out? Now that Cyborg has devoted her free time to prettying herself up, we would almost be willing to play along with th…

…I’m sorry, I couldn’t even finish typing that sentence without bursting into laughter. Then vomiting. So what do you think of these odds, Potato Nation? Are they on point? Off base? Who gives a flying fuck? It’s a slow news day, so pity us and don’t pick the obvious one.

Sort of Related: It fills us with great sorrow to inform you that the story we ran yesterday about Miesha Tate hosting “members only” webcam chats for the low, low price of $4.99 has indeed been proven false. Tate informed us via Twitter that the website is a fraud, so if any of you have already signed up for it, you can probably expect a Nigerian sex slave in the mail any day now. Not a total loss if you ask me.

–J. Jones

Hot Potato: 8 Photos of Chris Cyborg (?!!#!!1?!) Looking…Better

Chris Cyborg...HOT?!?!
(R.I.P Mike in Brazil.) 

Fearection: 1) Sexual arousal combined with a feeling of intimidation and uncertainty, generally provoked by powerful/forceful women who are physically attractive. 2) The act of God himself striking fear into your erection. 3) An erection rooted in an unexpected response to the fight or flight mechanism.

One of these definitions, or perhaps a little bit of each of them, best described our reaction when we came upon these recent pictures of former Strikeforce women’s featherweight champion Christiane “Cyborg” Santos Justino. Because, although our immediate reaction to hearing that the newly single Cyborg was snapped by Globo.com in a series of bikini shots was to shut down our computers, throw them from the top of the highest building in town, and renounce the Internet for life, after actually taking a look at them, we must say that she is looking rather…healthy (?) these days. Sure, it’s not going to get your engine revving like a Gina Carano GQ shoot, but dare we say that Cyborg almost looks doable in a couple of these (Ed note: We know, that statement is now committed to the Internet archives forever). Looks like you done fucked up, Evangelista.

Check out a full gallery of her photos after the jump. Don’t worry, it’s not with our picture viewer. 

Chris Cyborg...HOT?!?!
(R.I.P Mike in Brazil.) 

Fearection: 1) Sexual arousal combined with a feeling of intimidation and uncertainty, generally provoked by powerful/forceful women who are physically attractive. 2) The act of God himself striking fear into your erection. 3) An erection rooted in an unexpected response to the fight or flight mechanism.

One of these definitions, or perhaps a little bit of each of them, best described our reaction when we came upon these recent pictures of former Strikeforce women’s featherweight champion Christiane “Cyborg” Santos Justino. Because, although our immediate reaction to hearing that the newly single Cyborg was snapped by Globo.com in a series of bikini shots was to shut down our computers, throw them from the top of the highest building in town, and renounce the Internet for life, after actually taking a look at them, we must say that she is looking rather…healthy (?) these days. Sure, it’s not going to get your engine revving like a Gina Carano GQ shoot, but dare we say that Cyborg almost looks doable in a couple of these (Ed note: We know, that statement is now committed to the Internet archives forever). Looks like you done fucked up, Evangelista.

We’ve noticed that many of you have been bitching like schoolchildren wistfully pointing out the quality (or lack thereof) our photo viewer even more than normal lately, so we are currently working on it. And being that we wouldn’t want to deny a single one of you such steamy photos as these, we’ve provided them in standard, non-gallery format. Don’t say we never did anything for you.

Chris Cyborg Globo

And we saved the best for last…


(Carmen, the gauntlet hath been declared.) 

As Seth asked unto us, we shall ask unto you, Potato Nation: “You know, after she put down the tainted supplements and put on some make up…would you or wouldn’t you?”

–J. Jones

Satire Sunday: Spuds McKenzie Guilty of Sexual Harassment, Sentenced to Nine Months Probation

DISCLAIMER: This feature is purely a satirical piece- you know, like the title explicitly states. Any references to real people and events are purely for comedic effect. Nothing you are about to read is actual news, and no quotes used in this article are authentic quotes. In short, don’t take anything you are about to read as a real news story.

Anheuser-Busch respects women, and would never support sexism in any way.

The family-friendly Anheuser-Busch corporation has just been turned upside down. Former Bud Light mascot Spuds MacKenzie has been found guilty in the state of Nevada of sexually harassing multiple women while employed by Anheuser-Busch. Furthermore, Anheuser-Busch is being investigated for its role in MacKenzie’s crimes, as victims say that the harassment was not only encouraged by fellow employees, but that the victims were vehemently discouraged from filing complaints while they were employed by the company.

The charges against MacKenzie read like the sex-depraved fantasies of a thirteen year old boy. Among them include the complaints of Carol Grey, who played the role of “Hot Blond Chick” in many Bud Light commercials. Grey revealed that MacKenzie would repeatedly order her to smack him on the ass during commercial shoots, as well as force her to publically praise MacKenzie’s sexual conquests on numerous occasions.

Shocking videos of the harassment available after the jump.

DISCLAIMER: This feature is purely a satirical piece- you know, like the title explicitly states. Any references to real people and events are purely for comedic effect. Nothing you are about to read is actual news, and no quotes used in this article are authentic quotes. In short, don’t take anything you are about to read as a real news story.

Anheuser-Busch respects women, and would never support sexism in any way.

The family-friendly Anheuser-Busch corporation has just been turned upside down. Former Bud Light mascot Spuds MacKenzie has been found guilty in the state of Nevada of sexually harassing multiple women while employed by Anheuser-Busch. Furthermore, Anheuser-Busch is being investigated for its role in MacKenzie’s crimes, as victims say that the harassment was not only encouraged by fellow employees, but that the victims were vehemently discouraged from filing complaints while they were employed by the company.

The charges against MacKenzie read like the sex-depraved fantasies of a twelve year old boy. Among them include the complaints of Carol Grey, who played the role of “Hot Blond Chick” in many Bud Light commercials. Grey revealed that MacKenzie would repeatedly order her to smack him on the ass during commercial shoots, as well as force her to publically praise MacKenzie’s sexual conquests on numerous occasions.

A shocking video from the Anheuser-Busch archives captured the incident in question:

Notable accusations were also made by Mileena Johnson, who played the role of “Tits and/or Ass #14” throughout her career with Bud Light. Johnson accused Spuds MacKenzie of forcing her to use her breasts to massage MacKenzie’s neck, and that Spuds threatened to rape her if she didn’t comply. She claims that he told her to, in his own words, “Rub them titties on my neck or I’ll hump the shit out of your leg. And then your vagina.” Johnson also accused MacKenzie of voyeurism, although charges were eventually dropped. As with Grey, Johnson was able to use a video from the Anheuser-Busch archives to support her claims.

Spuds MacKenzie was defended by Attorney Alistair Overeem, who blamed irresponsible members of Bud Light film crews for the incidents in question. Said Alistair Overeem, Esq., “My client absolutely does not believe in, nor does he take part in, the objectification of women. At least when he’s sober.”

Attorney Overeem went on to explain that former members of Bud Light’s film crew would offer Spuds MacKenzie moonshine before shooting commercials. Spuds did not know that moonshine contained alcohol, and therefore would consume as many as seven shots of moonshine before coming into contact with his victims. While Spuds MacKenzie felt sorry that his victims had to endure months of harassment, he also recognized that the incidents were clearly not his fault. Therefore, he should not be punished in any way, shape or form for his actions.

After a Nevada state record three seconds of deliberation, the jury had found Spuds MacKenzie guilty of multiple charges of sexual harassment. However, many people were unsatisfied by what they felt was an excessively lenient punishment of nine months of probation from The Honorable Judge Christiane Santos.

“I can sympathize with being a victim of a heinous incident that tramples your basic rights as a human being,” said The Honorable Judge Christiane Santos, “but rules are rules, and sexual harassment is against them. It is neither fair nor just that people are expected to know every little detail about every single substance that they put into their bodies…”

“AMEN!” interrupted Muhammad Lawal.

“Since you never argued that you didn’t actually harass those chicks, the law says that you need to be punished. So I’m giving you nine months of probation. That seems fair. ”

While Spuds MacKenzie may have gotten off easy in court, his reputation will arguably never be restored.  Immediately after the trial, Anheuser-Busch formally denounced the former Bud Light mascot and denied any involvement with MacKenzie’s harassment.

“As a family-oriented company responsible for a product that brings positive changes to society, we truly regret ever being involved with Spuds MacKenzie,” said Anheuser-Busch public relations specialist Quinton Beck. “Had we have  known about MacKenzie’s behavior, we never would have allowed him to be a role model for children around the world. While nothing we can do will change the past, we are making a sincere attempt to provide children with a positive, ethical dog to encourage them to bring about social change by drinking as much Bud Light as humanly possible.”

After fifteen seconds of confused, awkward silence, Beck muttered under his breath “Responsibly, when they’re twenty one, of course.”

– @SethFalvo