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UFC 162: Silva vs. Weidman — FX Prelims Results & Commentary

(“Wait a minute…I’m fighting the friggin’ Gevalia Coffee guy?” / Photo via MMAFighting.com)

Before the UFC 162 pay-per-view card kicks off, how ’bout we warm up with some fights on free TV? Tonight’s FX Prelims broadcast features a crowd-pleasing lineup of sluggers, including Chris Leben, Gabriel Gonzaga, and Edson Barboza, and the first post-TUF Smashes appearance of Norman Parke.

Handling liveblog duties for this leg of the “Silva vs. Weidman” fight card is none other than Matt Saccaro, who will be stacking round-by-round results after the jump beginning at 8 p.m. ET / 5 p.m. PT. Refresh the page every few minutes for all the latest, and please toss your own analysis and witticisms into the comments section. Thanks for being here.

(“Wait a minute…I’m fighting the friggin’ Gevalia Coffee guy?” / Photo via MMAFighting.com)

The UFC always tries to make the “4^th of July” card worth the $60 fans have to pay for it. This time, they succeeded. The main card is studded with talent. The FX preliminaries have some gems too. Fighters like Chris Leben, Gabriel Gonzaga, and Edson Barboza will be trying to rekindle their flames on FX. Hopefully, they’ll also be providing us with fights so exciting that we forget about all the shitty commercials we have to endure throughout the broadcast. Seriously though, if I have to hear Kid Rock talk about the sound of his freedom one more time…

Anyway, the violent festivities are about to start soon, so let’s quickly recap what happened on the Facebook prelims:

Mike Pierce defeated David Mitchell via TKO. The first round was so boring that all 11 people in the audience were booing.

Brian Melancon defeated Seth Baczynski via TKO. This TKO was an interesting one as it came quite literally at the bell. The bell sounded and then viewers saw a starched, lifeless Baczynski that was clearly going to be unable to answer the bell for the second round.

Now, the commercials are finally over and the first pairing of fighters is now entering the cage for the FX portion of the fight card. We have Edson Barboza vs. Rafaello Oliveira—Brazilian Muay Thai stud and former Next Big Thing™ vs. Generic Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt with a 1-2 record in the UFC who’s coming off a year-long absence from the cage.

This is Barboza’s biggest test since getting upset by Jamie Varner back in 2012. Since then, Barboza has only fought once, defeating the unheralded, unheard of Lucas Martins in under three minutes.

Oliveira is coming off his only UFC win, a unanimous decision over the fighter with the toughest name to spell in the history of the UFC, Yoislandy Izquierdo. Prior to that win, Oliveira lost via TKO to Yves Edwards and via Submission to Gleison Tibau.

Call me a conspiracy theorist, but it seems like Barboza is “supposed” to win this fight. He’s younger, more talented, and his spectacular highlight reel and skillset makes him more marketable. The fight is about to start now so I’ll put away my tinfoil hat…

Round 1: They touch gloves to start the fight. Barboza lands a leg kick. Oliveira lands a left hook. Oliveira tries a body shot and misses. Barboza hits two more hard leg kicks in succession. Then he lands a huge body kick. The thud echoed throughout the arena. Barboza lands a left to the body and Oliveira shoots in pathetically. Barboza lands two more vicious leg kicks. Oliveiria is a deer in the headlights and Barboza is a mack truck. Oliveira attempts a single leg and fails, only to eat another kick to the body. Oliveira lands a right hand, then shoots and again fails. Barboza hits a spinning back kick. After a period of inactivity, Barboza hits yet another leg kick. Maybe we’ll see a Paul Varelans vs. Marco Ruas? Oliveira fails to takedown Barboza AGAIN. Barboza lands a millionth hard leg-kick, Oliveira fails his millionth takedown attempt in response. A minute left in the round now. A mouse is forming on Oliveira’s right cheek. Oliveira is limping now too, from all the leg kicks. He’s going to be in trouble in the second round. The bell sounds the end of round one. We score it 10-9, Barboza.

Round 2: An ineffective flurry from both fighters starts the round. Barboza hits a nice sweep when he catches a kick from Oliveira. Oliveira manages to take Barboza down off a leg kick but Barboza gets back to his feet very quickly. Another leg kick buckles Oliveira, and then another right after. Oliveira is moving like a wounded animal. A leg kick floors Oliveira this time. He’s limping really badly. This is brutal. Barboza hits another leg kick and Oliveira falls to the mat. Herb Dean mercifully stops the fight. Joe Rogan and Mike Goldberg are having an orgasm over the fact that Barboza is the first guy to win two fights with a TKO via leg kicks.

Result: Edson Barboza def. Rafaello Oliveira via TKO (leg kicks) at 1:44 of round 2.

Next up is a scrap between disgraced heavyweights Gabriel Gonzaga and Dave Herman.

For a brief time, the MMA world thought that Gonzaga was “back.” He ran through one of Junior Dos Santos’ training partners and then submitted Ben Rothwell (remember when people thought Rothwell was HW champ material back in the IFL days? Good times). But after that, Travis Browne smashed Gonzaga’s head in with a brutal series of elbows. The fight lasted only a minute.

Dave Herman has lost three in a row. How he still has a job is a bit of a mystery. Maybe the heavyweight division is just really thin and Joe Silva doesn’t want to part with a warm body that can fill a card? Maybe Herman is friends with somebody important? Maybe he has nude pics of Dana? We’re not sure.

Herman is 1-3 in the UFC going into this fight and is on a three-fight losing streak. He lost to Stefan Struve, Roy Nelson, and Big Nog. The last loss to Big Nog was the most embarrassing of them all since Herman had infamously proclaimed that BJJ didn’t work…only to be submitted via arm bar.

Will Herman have better luck this time? Or will Gonzaga unmask the power animal in him and RADICALIZE his fighting skills? Let’s watch and find out.

Round 1: They touch gloves. Herman lands two front kicks. Gonzaga counters a leg kick with a massive overhand right that floors Herman. He follows up with a few punches and referee Kim Winslow stops the fight. Herman looks pretty pissed. Stoppage MIGHT have been a bit early, actually. Regardless, the fight is over.

Gabriel Gonzaga def. Dave Herman via TKO (punches) at 0:17 of round 1.

Now that that fight is over, we have our first (and only) piss-break match of the FX prelims: Norman Parke vs. Kazuki Tokudome:

This is a win-win fight for the UFC. They have an Irish guy on a winning streak taking on a Japanese guy on a winning streak. No matter who wins, they get a guy they can market overseas that has a healthy winning streak (even if the streak might not be over the best competition but hey, the MMA media won’t question it).

Now, I called this a piss-break match and that really isn’t fair, I guess. Both of these fighters are talented and, at age 26, could have a bright future. It’s just that, compared to some of the other names on the prelims, these guys aren’t as known—which means that casuals and even some hardcores might tune out during this match.

Well, CagePotato will never tune out. So feel free to smoke or take a piss and then read the liveblog for the results, which are…

Round 1: They touch gloves. Parke lands a nice left hand. Parke misses a head kick. Tokudome lands a weak leg kick. Parke swings big with a right hand and misses by a mile. Parke lands two stiff jabs and Tokudome just eats them. Parke follows up with a big left over the top. Parke misses an Anderson Silva-front kick. Tokudome eats another big left. Tokudome has no footwork and no head movement. He continues to stand in front of Parke. Tokudome throws some ineffective punches and eats some counters. Tokudome comes forward and lands a left, and then eats a counter left. They clinch and Tokudome winds up pinned against the cage. Parke grabs a leg and drags Tokudome to the mat. Tokudome gets up but Parke takes his back during the transition. Park attempts a takedown and is reversed, he’s now on his back with Tokudome in his guard. There’s not much action save for some soft punches from both fighters. Parke tries a Kimura and gives up on it shortly after. Tokudome still can’t pass Parke’s guard. Parke gets up to his feet from guard and simply pushes Tokudome over. He passes Tokudome’s guard and the round ends. Pretty close round but I give it to Parke, 10-9.

Round 2: Tokudome lands a weak leg kick, countered by a right hand. The two fighters exchange half-strength flurries that both miss. Tokudome lands a combo of light punches. Parke lands a big left hand, Tokudome flees, and then Parke lands another. Parke is landing some big punches now. They both slow down. Parke backs off and takes a deep breath. Parke keeps spamming big lefts. The two men clinch briefly and then break up. Parke throws more haymakers, but this time Tokudome counters a few. Parke lands another straight left. Tokudome misses a massive hook. Parke ducks under it and lands a single-leg. He has Tokudome sitting against the fence. There isn’t much action now. Tokudome manages to get back to his feet. Parke still has an underhook but can’t do anything with it. Tokudome separates and lands a sweet flying knee, but it’s all for naught since Parke takes him down off of it and then gets mount. Tokudome powers his way out of mount and then attempts his own takedown, which fails. The two men get back to their feet and exchange strikes until the round ends. 10-9 Parke.

Round 3: A series of strikes from both fighters doesn’t go anywhere. Tokudome takes the center of the cage and has Parke scurrying away. Parke attempts a single which backs Tokudome into the cage. Tokudome gets a takedown, which is reversed. Parke has Tokudome in a front headlock now. Tokudome gets Parke against the cage, who quickly spins around and reverses the position. Tokudome lands some short, strong elbows but Parke is unfazed. Parke takes Tokudome’s back and attempts a takedown, which is successful but Tokudome reverses. He winds on top of Parke, in Parke’s guard. Parke rises to his feet very quickly. Both fighters are breathing with their mouths wide open now. Tokudome lands a head kick which momentarily stuns Parke. Tokudome capitalizes on this, scoring a takedown on Parke, who is only on the ground for a few seconds before rising to his feet. They’re both clinched against the cage now. They separate. There’s a minute left now. Parke lands some more punches on Tokudome’s stationary head. Tokudome lands an uppercut. Parke goes for a single leg which he can’t complete. They’re both against the cage now and it looks like the round is going to end there. It does, but not before Parke gets Tokudome down for a split second. This was the toughest round to score. I say 10-9, Tokudome.

Result: Norman Parke def. Kazuki Tokudome via unanimous decision (30-27, 30-27, 29-28).

And now, the preliminary bout we’ve all been waiting for—even if you weren’t anticipating it more than the others, you have been waiting for it so technically the statement is accurate—Chris Leben vs. Andrew Craig.

Leben is arguably in the darkest part of his career. He’s 1-3 in his last four and is coming off two losses, most recently to Derek Brunson back in December. But before that, he lost to Mark Munoz and then tested positive for oxycontin. This offense earned him a yearlong suspension.

Leben’s only win in the last two years is over a decrepit Wanderlei Silva. A loss tonight could be damning for Leben.

Craig is 8-1. He’s coming off a loss to Ronny Markes.

Was this fight made to get Leben back on track? After all, Leben has over three times as many fights as Craig. I guess we’ll have to watch.

Round 1: No touch of gloves to star the fight. Leben rushes in sloppily and goes for a single leg. Weird. He hits some foot stomps and keeps Craig against the fence. He hasn’t given up on the takedown yet. He has an underhook and keeps working the foot stomps. Craig gets a Thai plumb and lands a nice knee. Leben gets Craig against the cage again and this time gets Craig onto the mat but only briefly. Craig attempts a knee but it’s blocked. Leben throws a really ugly, lazy leg kick and then almost falls down. Leben throws a body kick and lands a left hook. He rushes in and Craig lands a knee to the body. That doesn’t stop Leben though, who again pushes Craig against the cage. They separate and Craig lands a right hand to Leben’s face. Leben lands a knee to the body and they separate. Craig lands an inside leg kick and then attempts a leg kick. A left-right combo fazes Leben for a bit who attempts a clinch but is shrugged off. Leben looks tired. He tries an off-balance leg kick which misses badly. He goes for a single leg again and fails. He grabs a body lock on Craig and gets him to one knee but then Craig rises. They’re clinched and then they separate. On the separation, both men throw like they’re in a bar fight but nothing comes of it. They reset in the center of the cage. Craig tries a double leg but Leben stuffs it. The round ends shortly after. That one was close but I give it to Leben 10-9.

Round 2: Goldy shills for Fox Sports 1 before the round starts. Both fighters start the round with big punches that miss. Leben, again, presses Craig against the cage and keeps attempting takedowns that go nowhere. Leben tries some more foot stomps but nothing. He grabs a leg again, but still nothing. Craig gets a Thai plumb and hits a big knee to the face but Leben isn’t hurt. Leben continues to press forward and Craig can’t get away; he’s stuck against the cage again. This time though, he manages to reverse the position and push Leben against the fence. He transitions to a Thai clinch and lands another knee before Leben escapes. They reset and Craig lands an elbow. Leben continues his wall-and-stall strategy. He lands a knee to Craig’s body and then Craig escapes off the fence. Leben throws a leg kick. Craig lands a left hook. Leben misses another leg kick and Craig lands a leg kick. Craig initiates a clinch this time and gets Leben against the fence, who reverses Craig. This is like the 20th time we’ve been in this position during this fight. Rogan is commenting about how Leben is the more aggressive fighter but Craig is landing more. Leben clinches again and lands some body shots. Leben throws some big shots which are blocked. The round ends. Tough round to score, as Rogan said. 10-9, Craig.

Round 3: Craig seems much fresher but that doesn’t stop him from letting Leben come forwards and try to bully him. Both fighters throw a flurry of messy strikes. Craig lands a few which floor Leben. Craig keeps landing follow-up strikes but Yves Lavigne doesn’t stop the fight. Leben gets back to his fight and is now pressed up against the cage. His face is red and he looks exhausted. They separate and Craig lands two uppercuts. Leben clinches and, for the 100th time, pushes Craig against the fence and does nothing there save for some light strikes. Leben stalks Craig, who shoves Leben to the floor when Leben attempts to clinch. Craig is in Leben’s guard now. He passes to half guard. Leben gets to his feet after thinking about a Kimura. Craig takes a deep breath. Despite this though, Craig is still visibly the fresher fighter. Craig successfully attempts a double leg. He’s in Leben’s guard now. Both fighters are throwing light punches. Craig passes into half guard. Thirty seconds left. Leben wall-walks his way up and both fighters separate but not for long. Craig takes Leben down again and time expires. I give it to Craig, 10-9.

Result: Andrew Craig def. Chris Leben via split decision (29-28 Craig, 29-28, Leben, 30-27 Craig).

That does it for the UFC 162 FX prelims. Be sure to continue following the action at our main card live blog!

Booking Roundup: Uriah Hall Draws Nick Ring for UFC on FOX Sports 1:1, Soa Palelei’s Return Finally Set

(Hall attempts the infamous “Cover Your Eyes and Pray the Scary Monster Goes Away” defense to no avail at the TUF 17 Finale. Photo via Getty Images.)

Perhaps the only thing more dangerous than accepting a coaching gig on The Ultimate Fighter is being heralded by Dana White as “the next Anderson Silva” while still participating on the reality show. Ten seasons ago, it was Phillipe Nover who drew the unjust and bombastic comparisons to the pound-for-pound king. Though a loss to Efrain Escudero — who would also become one of the show’s more notorious washouts — in the season’s finale may have not derailed his hype train entirely, his consecutive losses to Kyle Bradley (ouch.) and Robert Emerson (OH COME ON!) surely did. But just as every story has a happy ending, Nover now earns his living pushing the stretchers, not lying on them.

This past season, we were similarly informed that Uriah Hall was “the nastiest guy in Ultimate Fighter history,” and told by Chael Sonnen himself that Hall was not only at Silva’s level, but above it. To be fair, there was plenty of visual evidence to lend credence to this claim, but that didn’t stop newcomer Kelvin Gastelum from spoiling Hall’s championship run before it could even begin at the season’s finale.

In any case, if Hall doesn’t want to end up changing bedpans for crotchety geezers in the future (not that there’s anything wrong with that), he better bring his A-game when he meets fellow TUF-finalist Nick Ring at the much anticipated UFC on FOX Sports 1:1 card in August. That’s right, Bostonians, not only do we get Overeem vs. Brown, Alves vs. other Brown, Lauzon vs. Johnson, and (potentially) Henderson vs. Grant, but now we get to see Uriah Hall’s make-or-break fight in the UFC. Expect some Eddie Gordo-level shit to go down in this one, Potato Nation.

(Hall attempts the infamous “Cover Your Eyes and Pray the Scary Monster Goes Away” defense to no avail at the TUF 17 Finale. Photo via Getty Images.)

Ring is also coming of a disappointing loss — a split decision to Chris Camozzi at UFC 158 – and has dropped two of his past three fights. We don’t want to say that the chair will be kicked out from underneath him with a loss here, but the noose is surely tied around his neck and BROOKS WAS HERE has already been carved in the support beam above him, so to speak. Rita Hayworth.

Do any of you guys remember how Soa Palelei was pulled from UFC 161 for not being a big enough name and replaced by Roy Nelson? Well it looks like the move was ultimately a blessing in disguise for the Aussie, as he has been booked against octagon newcomer Nikita Krylov at UFC 164, which goes down from the BMO Harris Bradley Center in Milwaukee on August 31st.

Palelei was originally scheduled to face the highly-touted Stipe Miocic on June 15th, a fight that he was a sizable underdog heading into, but now finds himself facing a guy who not only calls himself “The Al Capone,” but dresses like him in his fighter profile picture.

(I swear, officer, I’ve never even *heard* of this Roger Rabbit fellow you speak of. Photo via Sherdog.)

Known by the everyday world as Nikita Krylov (why anyone with the name of a James Bond supervillain would want a nickname in the first place is beyond me), this 21 year-old has gone undefeated in 14 contests, with not one of those fights making it outside of the first round. Sounds intimidating, right? Not to worry; a quick gander over Krylov’s list of opponents reveals nine…count ‘em, NINE opponents with no professional wins, ONE fighter with over six fights to his credit, and TWO winning records. Krylov may be the most feared can-crusher in all of the Ukraine, but Soa Palelei is on a whole. notha. level of can-crushing notoriety here. Expect Palelei to come in as a heavy favorite.

And in injury-shuffling news, the hotly-anticipated lightweight bout between Edson Barboza and John Makdessi at UFC 162: Silva vs. Weidman has suffered a minor setback, as Makdessi has gone down with an undisclosed injury. Replacing him will be Rafaello “Tractor” Oliveira, who has gone 1-2 in his second octagon stint. After suffering a particularly vicious and prolonged beating at the hands of Yves Edwards at UFC Live 6 in 2011, Oliveira fought just once last year, scoring a unanimous decision victory over Yoislandy Izquierdo at UFC 148. At least we will see a knockout is what we’re trying to say.

–J. Jones

Barnburner Alert: John Makdessi vs. Edson Barboza Joins Stacked UFC 162 Card

(“I don’t mean to freak you out, Terry, but there’s a bee on your nose. Now if you just hold still…I’m gonna try something here.”)

As if UFC 162 wasn’t already stacked enough, word broke earlier today that a lightweight matchup between John Makdessi and Edson Barboza has been booked for the event as well. Set to transpire on Fourth of July weekend, UFC 162 not only feature the much-anticipated middleweight title fight between Anderson Silva and Chris Weidman, but a trio of ridiculously awesome featherweight fights and yes, the return of Dave Herman.

After suffering his only career defeat in one of the greatest upsets of 2012 (via TKO to Jamie Varner), Barboza recently rebounded with a first round TKO of Lucas “Why me, God, WHY?!” Martins at UFC on FX 7. Currently 3-2 in the octagon, Makdessi has been able to right the course in his past two fights, bouncing back from a two fight skid with UD victories over Sam Stout and Daron Cruickshank.

We don’t mean to overhype it, but this fight has all the ingredients for a end of the night bonus at the minimum and a FOTY nomination at best. And what’s the only way to make a great fight even better? That’s right, a drinking game. Here are the rules we will be playing by during Makdessi/Barboza:

1. For every attempted spinning backfist/kick, take a drink.
2. For every landed spinning whatchamacallit, take two drinks.
3. If Mike Goldberg mentions “the slapping sound” made by a leg kick, finish your beer.
4. If Rogan informs Goldberg (for the billionth time) shortly thereafter that the best leg kicks are the ones that make no sound, shout out your favorite Goldbergism and take a shot.
5. If it ends in a knockout/TKO, finish your beer.
6. If Joe Rogan completely loses his sh*t during the fight (ala Boetsch/Okami), take a bong rip, finish your beer, and Ezekiel choke the person closest to you.

Check out the crazy lineup for UFC 162 after the jump.

(“I don’t mean to freak you out, Terry, but there’s a bee on your nose. Now if you just hold still…I’m gonna try something here.”)

Check out the crazy lineup for UFC 162 after the jump.

-Champ Anderson Silva vs. Chris Weidman
-Chan Sung Jung vs. Ricardo Lamas
-Tim Boetsch vs. Mark Munoz
-Frankie Edgar vs. Charles Oliveira
-Dennis Siver vs. Cub Swanson
-Roger Gracie vs. Tim Kennedy
-Andrew Craig vs. Chris Leben
-David Mitchell vs. Mike Pierce*
-Edson Barboza vs. John Makdessi
-Seth Baczynski vs. Brian Melancon
-Shane Del Rosario vs. Dave Herman
* – Not officially announced

–J. Jones

‘UFC on FX 7?: The New Guys

Before I was a writer here at CagePotato, some of my favorite columns to read were the “New Guys” features devoted entirely to familiarizing us with the unfamiliar faces sprinkled throughout the average UFC card. It made the preliminary action far more exciting in my opinion, and more importantly made me look like less an MMA fan, more a prophet when making picks against my friends on fight night. I would of course plead ignorance after I had successfully transferred their money into my wallet, but hey, that’s what they get for saying “This Cyprus Diabetes guy is going to get straight up murdered by Luiz Cane.”

So to begin a year in which 95 or so percent of scheduled UFC fights will likely be cancelled due to injury, we figured we would brush off this old feature moving forward, if only to brief you on the no-namers who will inevitably be stepping in on short notice to replace our plagued MMA stars. Today’s edition focuses on the upcoming UFC on FX 7 card headlined by Michael Bisping vs. Vitor Belfort, and features a pair of dangerous, well-rounded sluggers hailing from, you guessed it, Brazil. Funny how that always seems to be the case.

(Nobre vs. Matheus Nicolau Pereira at Bitetti Combat 13. And if you dug that standing TKO, you’ll love these.)

PEDRO “The Rock” NOBRE
Experience: 14-1 record, with all but 1 win coming by stoppage (9 TKO, 4 Sub). Multiple appearances under the Bitetti Combat banner. Trains out of the illustrious Brazilian Top Team gym.
Will be facing: Iuri Alcantara (2-1 UFC, holds a KO victory over top contender Ricardo Lamas)
Lowdown: Stepping in as a late replacement for the injured George Roop, who was actually stepping in for the injured Johnny Eduardo *opens mouth, inserts revolver*, Nobre has developed a reputation for putting on technical, exciting brawls that rarely make it out of the second round. For an example of this, see above. He was one of the first participants selected for TUF: Brazil, but was eliminated from the competition when he was knocked out by Vincius Vina in his preliminary fight.

LUCAS “Mineiro” MARTINS
Experience: 12-0, with all but one win coming by stoppage (8 TKO, 3 Sub). Trains out of Chute Box and holds two local lightweight titles to his credit. The craziest thing about this guy? He just turned pro last year, yet has already racked up 12 victories.
Will be facing: Edson Barboza *shivers* (4-1 UFC, CagePotato Knockout of the Year Winner, possible recipient of Jax-like roboleg surgery)
Lowdown: Although we dubbed him the “Unluckiest SOB Ever” when we first heard he would be fighting the beast that is Barboza, upon further research, it looks like “Mineiro” might stand more than a snowball’s chance in hell of winning this thing. Like Barboza, Martins is a devastating striker who can deliver an unconventional highlight reel KO in the blink of an eye. The above gif, for instance, was taken from Martins’ last fight against Oberdan Vieira Tenorio at Jungle Fight 46, so you know the guy won’t be short on confidence heading into the biggest fight of his life. Combine that with the fact that he has next to nothing to lose by taking this fight on such short notice, and you’ve got yourself a technical battle good enough to be placed on any main card. What we’re saying is, expect to see this one show up during the FX broadcast despite the fact that it is buried in the prelims.

So Taters, anyone like these boy’s chances a little better?

–J. Jones

Unluckiest SOB Ever Draws Edson Barboza for UFC Debut at ‘UFC on FX 7?

(Sad. He was so young.)

Not too long ago, I wrote a piece about six of th e worst possible opponents debuting UFC fighters have drawn in the past. As I predicted, it was almost universally panned by you Taters, but if I could update the article today, a feller by the name of Lucas “Mineiro” — which I can only assume means “Marked for Death” in Portuguese — Martins would be included somewhere on that list. Because now that Justin Salas has withdrawn from his UFC on FX 7 fight with Edson Barboza, the UFC’s matchmaking department has thrown the poor bastard pictured above into the octagon on short notice in Salas’ place (for his UFC debut, no less), presumably with a steak tied around his neck and a guaranteed bed at the nearest hospital.

(Sad. He was so young.)

Not too long ago, I wrote a piece about six of th e worst possible opponents debuting UFC fighters have drawn in the past. As I predicted, it was almost universally panned by you Taters, but if I could update the article today, a feller by the name of Lucas “Mineiro” — which I can only assume means “Marked for Death” in Portuguese – Martins would be included somewhere on that list. Because now that Justin Salas has withdrawn from his UFC on FX 7 fight with Edson Barboza, the UFC’s matchmaking department has thrown the poor bastard pictured above into the octagon on short notice in Salas’ place (for his UFC debut, no less), presumably with a steak tied around his neck and a guaranteed bed at the nearest hospital.

Martins record may currently stand at a perfect 10-0, but the combined record of his opponents is just 27-24. Adding to that is the fact that he’ll be taking on an Edson Barboza that is on the heels of his first professional loss and will likely be looking to reestablish himself as a top lightweight via Martins’ untimely destruction. So yeah, expect this one to go down in roughly the same fashion as the Anglo-Zanzibar War or Michael Bisping on his prom night, which is to say, quickly. I just pray the EMT’s have a fisherman’s net handy to catch Martins’ head when it is inevitably removed from his shoulders via Barboza’s robot thunderlegs. Because casual MMA fans are judgmental and easily impressionable to boot, and we wouldn’t want them to witness how backwards and barbaric the sport we love truly is while discussing the fiscal cliff over black garlic-rubbed salmon croquettes and strawberry-infused champagne, the yuppie bastards.

Sorry, I’ve been watching a shitload of Iron Chef lately. But if you think I’m just being presumptive here, feel free to correct me in the comments section. Go ahead. Do it.

UFC on FX 7 goes down on January 19th in Rio and features a headlining middleweight matchup between Michael Bisping and Vitor Belfort.

–J. Jones

CagePotato PSA: Barboza, Silva and Jones Nominated for ESPYS, So Go Vote!

We’re about to win at IRONY!

TOP SCORE!!!

We should probably feel sad about the fact that we live in a country where people get more passionate about voting for the winner of a reality show than they do for voting for their school board representatives. Or that many of you have probably quoted “the Founding Fathers™” inaccurately in a typo-ridden Facebook rant at some point in your lives. Or that many of you don’t know when this year’s presidential election is, yet have already voted for the awards we’re about to shamelessly plug.

But if we did that, then we might miss out on one of these fighters winning an ESPY. We wouldn’t want that, would we? Didn’t think so.

We’re about to win at IRONY!

TOP SCORE!!!

But if we did that, then we might miss out on one of these fighters winning an ESPY. We wouldn’t want that, would we? Didn’t think so.

Yesterday, voting opened for this year’s ESPY Awards, which will air live on ESPN on July 11 at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles. While MMA fighters may not be eligible for “Male/Female Athlete of the Year” (Ronda Rousey is not impressed), our sport finds itself represented in two categories.

Obviously, “Best Fighter” has UFC athletes Anderson Silva and Jon Jones up for nomination, along with boxing’s Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Andre Ward. An MMA fighter has never won “Best Fighter” since the category’s inception (?!), but with Floyd Mayweather being broken by jail and Anderson Silva fighting two days before the voting ends, this year may very well give us an MMA fighter winning this category, like God intended.

Also of note, Edson Barboza’s third-round wheel kick knockout of Terry Etim at UFC 142 is up for “Best Play of the Year”. Voting in this category is 16 seed tournament-style, with the first eight matchups having a voting period ending on Tuesday. The winners advance to an Elite Eight round from July 3-9, and voters will have all of July 9th to pick the winner from the final four plays to advance.

This round, Barboza’s wheel kick KO is matched up against a freaking golf highlight. We can’t possibly let ourselves lose to golf, can we? Then click here to vote for Edson Barboza, and click here to vote for the other categories, including “Best Fighter”. Go out and make your voices heard!