By Jason Moles
“We the people of CagePotato.com, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Bans, insure comments section Tranquility, provide for the common noob, promote the general Lack of Welfare, and attempt to secure the Blessings of Dana to ourselves and our readers, do ordain and establish this Comparison of fighters and fireworks for the Potato Nation.”
There are plenty of MMA fighters out there who love to bring the pyrotechnics to the cage, lighting up their opponents for the enjoyment of the fans and the pleasure of a paycheck. In honor of Independence Day weekend — and our new friends at Wild Turkey — here’s a list of actual 4th of July fireworks that remind us of some well-known scrappers. Celebrate safely, and please try not to lose any fingers.
Snap-n-Pops (aka bang snaps, snappers, or whip’n pops): Corey Hill, Jason MacDonald, Razak Al-Hassan, Tim Sylvia
Call ‘em what you want, these small novelty fireworks are perfect for youngsters. You throw them against a wall, floor, or sleeping grandparent, and they make a satisfying POP! Cool, huh? It’s hard not to think of a ‘Snap-n-Pop’ and not think of these guys, whose limbs unfortunately made the same noises in their past fights.
Roman Candles: Clay Guida
Excitement. Power. Flash. Seemingly unending performance. Fun. Clay ‘The Carpenter’ Guida is more than your average firework. Hey may not blow up any doors but rest assured he’s always going to be a crowd favorite. No one has ever had a Roman Candle war or watched a Guida fight and not had the time of their life. For every colorful ball that is emitted from the candle, Guida whips his hair back and shoots in for a takedown. Regardless of what happens, they both just keep going until the final bell. When messing around with either, be careful; someone usually ends up a bloody mess.
Snakes: Jon Fitch
Much like those awful expanding snakes, Jon Fitch‘s fights are predictably dull, and when it’s all over you’re left feeling like you just wasted your money. They stay on the ground and do not emit sparks, flares, any form of projectiles, or any sound, but may induce sleeping. That should sound familiar to anybody who has endured the cruel and unusual punishment of a fifteen-minute, semi-clothed preview of War Machine’s next film, also known as a Jon Fitch decision victory.
Does that say Brown Pride?
Tanks: Cain Velasquez
The UFC Heavyweight champion has much in common with the super elite tank fireworks. For instance, both are short, stocky, and pack a mean punch. Both prefer to end their wars decisively with a brutal finish. Moreover, neither is going to be steamrolled anytime soon. For the fans, there’s just nothing like seeing a complete beast like Brock Lesnar getting manhandled by the sturdy, stoic Velasquez.
Bottle Rockets: Shane Carwin
I’ll spare you from the incredibly lazy innuendo and instead offer up this little nugget; Shane Carwin’s best stuff lasts about as long as it takes for a bottle rocket to scream through the BBQ smoke, reach its apex, explode, and fall to the ground. Carwin always delivers in the first round but don’t expect much beyond that. Although the action is short-lived, the excitement and hype leading up to launch time is furious because we know something potentially incredible is going to happen.
Firecrackers: Jose Aldo
The Brazilian champion has shredded his opponents by going undefeated for nearly six years, leaving most of his opponents second-guessing why they even took the fight in the first place. Weighing only 145 lbs., this tiny explosive does severe damage to his opponents legs with his expertly placed kicks (*BANG BANG BANG*!) and jacks your face up with his crisp striking (*BANG BANG BANG*!). Just like the Black Cats pictured above, don’t let the size fool ya…one mistake can cost you dearly.
Sparklers: “Filthy” Tom Lawlor
I believe the phrase is “All Sizzle, No Steak.” Sure, his weigh-ins and entrances are flashy and entertaining, but the overall performances leave a little to be desired — kind of like the gas station sparklers your dad brought home when you were a kid. Still, it’s hard not to feel patriotic when watching them.
Catherine Wheel: Chael Sonnen
Legend has it that the firework got its name from an instrument of torture, the breaking wheel, on which St. Catherine was martyred. I’m not sure who that broad was or what that has to do with Chael Sonnen but I do know this: both are really, really good at going in circles, both literally and figuratively. Mr. Sonnen, as his PO calls him, and Ms. Wheel have that X factor that mesmerizes audiences leaving them wanting more. Despite their obvious limitations and shady past, you’d give your last dollar to see them one last time if the opportunity presented itself.
Smoke Bombs: Ben Askren
Ahh, the smoke bomb. You fail to do any actual harm, instead you’d much rather annoy the hell out of everyone in reach. Such a colorful little brat, full of spunk and enough sulfuric smoke to gag a dolphin. Similarly, Askren’s wrestling prowess envelops his hapless opponents causing them to retort to their high school wrestling knowledge — which by the way is weak sauce. Once you’ve been attacked by one of these bad boys you might as well give up any hope of impressing the ladies. C’mon, I mean look at the army dude above me. He just lost 10 bro points for being in the same picture as a purple haze. (That still beats getting dry humped for fifteen minutes by a white dude with a ‘fro though.)
Fountains: Diego ” The Vision” Sanchez
The Class 1.4G explosive is highly reminiscent of the very first Ultimate Fighter winner. I’m not suggesting that all Diego Sanchez is capable of is shouting as he cartwheels into the distance — that’s just one similarity among others. Of all the pyrotechnics one could legally obtain without being licensed by the ATF, fountains display the most heart. From the initial ear-piercing scream to the crackling sparks to the changing colors and shooting flares, they leave it all out there. Like Sanchez, they do everything they physically can to put on an unforgettable performance and make you get up out of your seat and cheer. Damn, they’d fly if only they had wings. The Vision may be mentioned in the same breath as the firework displays in Montreal, San Jose, or Honolulu but until then, we’ll gladly accept the fountain that is Sanchez and enjoy every breathtaking moment.