(He doesn’t even get a Rita Hayworth poster?! This is inhumane!)
Saying that the justice system of America is broken is like saying that a train with square wheels does not make for a great Christmas toy. If you need a few examples of how corrupted it has become, look no further than Hollywood. Robert Blake was able to get away with murdering his wife using the old “I was going to kill her, but someone did it first!” defense. Matthew Broderick killed two people in a car accident and was forced to fork over less money than most of us spend on gasoline in a month in return. And don’t even get us started on how Lindsey Lohan is still allowed to remain a part of normal, civilized society with the rest of us.
So when it was reported that Floyd Mayweather was already trying to weasel his way out of prison after less than a fortnight, we were already chalking up another victory for celebrities over justice like Frank Trigg commentating on a PRIDE-era Fedor fight. And for once, we’re glad to admit that we perhaps rushed to judgement on the state of America’s legal system, as Mayweather was not only denied the right to serve the remainder of his three month sentence under house arrest, but was basically told to quit being such a little bitch by the presiding judge.
Here’s what TMZ reported moments after the hearing took place:
According to court docs obtained by TMZ, the judge called B.S. on Mayweather’s claim that he’s dehydrated behind bars — saying the boxer’s condition is “self-induced as water is made available to [Floyd] twenty-four hours a day.”
As for Floyd’s gripe that he’s only consuming a fraction of the calories he needs — the judge says it’s because “[Floyd] chooses not to eat the food provided.”
The judge also balked at Floyd’s complaint that he can’t train at a world class level while serving his time — saying, “While the training areas and times provided to Floyd may not be consistent with his prior regimen, he is indeed provided sufficient space and time for physical activity if he so chooses.”
Though later stricken from the record, we’ve heard that the judge concluded with some harsh words for Mayweather, stating:
You will do the hardest time there is. No more protection from the guards. I’ll pull you out of that one-bunk Hilton and cast you down with the Sodomites. You’ll think you’ve been fucked by a train! And the training facility? Gone… sealed off, brick-by-brick. We’ll have us a little heavy bag barbecue in the yard. They’ll see the flames for miles. We’ll dance around it like wild Injuns! You understand me? Catching my drift?… Or am I being obtuse?
Although we’d ask the judge to refrain from referring to Native Americans as “wild Injuns” if he wants to be taken seriously (besides the fact that it is sooooo 1948), we applaud his tenacity when dealing with these pampered celebs who think they are above the law. Especially when the celebrity is a professional boxer who beat a woman in front of his own children. Considering his long list of priors, Mayweather should be thanking his lucky stars (and his legal team) that he isn’t behind bars for longer than the three month cake walk he received, but far be it from us to tell a racist wife beater how to live his life. Clearly it’s working out pretty well for him.
Now, let’s get to speculating: How long will it be before Floyd and War Machine inevitably become prison pen pals?