(“You won’t see fighters this scared anywhere else!!”)
In the beginning, MMA events had catchy titles like “Revenge of the Warriors” and “Collision Course” to make them seem even more dramatic than they already were*. Eventually, all the good ideas ran out, and you started seeing crap like “Slammer in the Hammer” and “Helter Smelter” on the local circuit.
But while the UFC eventually wised up and stopped giving its events random, stupid names**, King of the Cage has kept the lunkheaded tradition alive. As proof, here are 22 of the dumbest KOTC event names we could find on the Internet. (Not pictured: Buckeye Nuts, Nuclear Explosion, Knockout Nightmare. Actual event names. Seriously.)
* The trend was officially started in 1993 with Pancrase: Yes, We Are Hybrid Wrestlers 1-4. I guess the promotion was tired of curious locals asking them, “Say, are you guys hybrid wrestlers or something?”
** The final UFC event to carry a name was UFC 125: Resolution, on January 1st, 2011, but by that point, event names had almost completely fallen out of fashion in the UFC. There were only five UFC events that carried names in 2009-2010, including UFC 99: The Comeback and UFC 112: Invincible.
(Because there’s nothing that MMA fans love more than a good split-decision.)
(“You won’t see fighters this scared anywhere else!!”)
In the beginning, MMA events had catchy titles like “Revenge of the Warriors” and “Collision Course” to make them seem even more dramatic than they already were*. Eventually, all the good ideas ran out, and you started seeing crap like “Slammer in the Hammer” and “Helter Smelter” on the local circuit.
But while the UFC eventually wised up and stopped giving its events random, stupid names**, King of the Cage has kept the lunkheaded tradition alive. As proof, here are 22 of the dumbest KOTC event names we could find on the Internet. (Not pictured: Buckeye Nuts, Nuclear Explosion, Knockout Nightmare. Actual event names. Seriously.)
* The trend was officially started in 1993 with Pancrase: Yes, We Are Hybrid Wrestlers 1-4. I guess the promotion was tired of curious locals asking them, “Say, are you guys hybrid wrestlers or something?”
** The final UFC event to carry a name was UFC 125: Resolution, on January 1st, 2011, but by that point, event names had almost completely fallen out of fashion in the UFC. There were only five UFC events that carried names in 2009-2010, including UFC 99: The Comeback and UFC 112: Invincible.
(Because there’s nothing that MMA fans love more than a good split-decision.)
(Moral Victory: Not like a *real* victory, but at least you did your best.)
(Anybody who’s ever put chili in the microwave for too long can relate to this one.)
(“OK Chris, for this scene, we’re going to need you to act as if you’re reading your lines directly from a cue card. Just look as uninterested as humanly possible and stare as far off-screen as you can. And Marivi, if you could just stare directly at the guy holding the boom mic-PERFECT.”)
It really is difficult to believe anything you see or read on April Fool’s day. Just this morning, a friend of mine who happens to be a traveling musician posted that his band had booked a gig as John Mayer’s opening act for his upcoming Australian tour. After congratulating him on his tremendous accomplishment, I quickly learned that the whole thing was a ploy perpetuated for Facebook likes. Needless to say, he is now dead to me.
Needless to say, I was equally skeptical when videos of Chris Weidman and Forrest Griffin pimping a jewelry store and a DUI defense lawyer, respectively, appeared in my inbox this afternoon. But upon further research (dialing both phone numbers and laughing hysterically until the receptionists hung up), I have determined that what you are about to see are in fact legitimate ads featuring the current middleweight and former light heavyweight champion, which is easily more hilarious than any April Fool’s day joke you will be privy to today or possibly ever.
After the jump you will find videos of both ads, as well as our in-depth analysis of both fighters performances, complete with screengrabs.
(“OK Chris, for this scene, we’re going to need you to act as if you’re reading your lines directly from a cue card. Just look as uninterested as humanly possible and stare as far off-screen as you can. And Marivi, if you could just stare directly at the guy holding the boom mic-PERFECT.”)
It really is difficult to believe anything you see or read on April Fool’s day. Just this morning, a friend of mine who happens to be a traveling musician posted that his band had booked a gig as John Mayer’s opening act for his upcoming Australian tour. After congratulating him on his tremendous accomplishment, I quickly learned that the whole thing was a ploy perpetuated for Facebook likes. Needless to say, he is now dead to me.
Needless to say, I was equally skeptical when videos of Chris Weidman and Forrest Griffin pimping a jewelry store and a DUI defense lawyer, respectively, appeared in my inbox this afternoon. But upon further research (dialing both phone numbers and laughing hysterically until the receptionists hung up), I have determined that what you are about to see are in fact legitimate ads featuring the current middleweight and former light heavyweight champion, which is easily more hilarious than any April Fool’s day joke you will be privy to today or possibly ever.
After the jump you will find videos of both ads, as well as our in-depth analysis of both fighters performances, complete with screengrabs.
“The Jewelry Gallery of Oyster Bay” – Chris Weidman
Also featuring UFC lightweight, TUF 15 alum and fellow Long Islander Al Iaquinta, we must give the creative minds behind a jewelry store in Nassau County, NY credit for having the balls to commit to this atrocious ad, and more specifically, the play on words between an MMA “ring” (not what it’s called) and a wedding “ring.” Seriously, I would be applauding them if I hadn’t just severed both my hands in the feat that they may one day write something so hamfisted.
Did the people who created this ad even understand that UFC fighters compete in an octagon? Or that choosing an (albeit local) MMA fighter as the spokesperson for a jewelry store in a town where the average income is nearly $100,000 might not make a whole lot of sense? Where is the turnover between Affliction-wearing, Long Island dude-bro MMA fans and high-end jewelry clientele, exactly? So many questions.
One thing’s for sure: Like Randy Couture and Ronda Rousey before him, Chris Weidman is an MMA star destined for Hollywood. See for yourself:
GAHHHHACTING!!!!
And now, buckle up for this one…
“Top Gun DUI Defense Attorney Myles L. Berman” – Forrest Griffin
If the purpose of Griffin’s appearance in this ad was to serve as an intimidating presence for the serious issue that is weaseling your way out of a drunk-driving offense, then it failed miserably. Not only does Griffin come off as a far more likeable and trustworthy guy than Berman, but he also loses all of his badass credibility the moment he tips his trucker hat like a cowboy cordially greeting a woman of the town proper.
And besides, if this Berman fellow really wanted to scare us into seeking his services, he more than accomplished that with his dead-eyed stare and “I’m totally not a robot disguised in a human skin suit” mannerisms. I mean, just look at those things:
I almost feel bad for the cast of TUF Brazil 3 — whoever they are — because all the squabbling/fake brawling between coaches Chael Sonnen and Wanderlei Silva is stealing so much of the spotlight. Then again, do I care about regional-level Brazilian prospects fighting in a reality-TV tournament? I do not. Do I have any plans to subscribe to Fight Pass to watch this show and others like it? No sir. At all, like ever? No no no.
So here’s something else that happened during filming: Wanderlei Silva demanded an apology for all of the nasty things Chael Sonnen said about Brazilian people in the lead-up to his first fight against Anderson Silva. Sonnen refused. Silva threatened to leave the show if Sonnen didn’t apologize. Sonnen refused some more, and suddenly we were at an impasse. Here’s what Chael had to say afterwards about Silva’s failed power-play:
“He is so stupid, I’m ashamed of him. He is a checkers player. In checkers you play one move at a time. If you are a chess player, you have to guess what I’m going to do and plan your next move, you have to be three or four moves ahead. He is so stupid, and I’m not trying to offend him, stupid is a word for a real thing. He comes and say: ‘the show stops if you don’t apologize for what you said about Brazil’. He did what a real checkers player would do. He would never imagine that I would refuse to apologize. When I refused, all that he could do was give up. He put himself in check, I didn’t do that. The show stopped and was almost over. They had to call Dana White and the producers. I begged him to come back and he didn’t. So he called for a cab and the cab came. One producer had to stop him in the cab and make him come back…
I almost feel bad for the cast of TUF Brazil 3 — whoever they are — because all the squabbling/fake brawling between coaches Chael Sonnen and Wanderlei Silva is stealing so much of the spotlight. Then again, do I care about regional-level Brazilian prospects fighting in a reality-TV tournament? I do not. Do I have any plans to subscribe to Fight Pass to watch this show and others like it? No sir. At all, like ever? No no no.
So here’s something else that happened during filming: Wanderlei Silva demanded an apology for all of the nasty things Chael Sonnen said about Brazilian people in the lead-up to his first fight against Anderson Silva. Sonnen refused. Silva threatened to leave the show if Sonnen didn’t apologize. Sonnen refused some more, and suddenly we were at an impasse. Here’s what Chael had to say afterwards about Silva’s failed power-play:
“He is so stupid, I’m ashamed of him. He is a checkers player. In checkers you play one move at a time. If you are a chess player, you have to guess what I’m going to do and plan your next move, you have to be three or four moves ahead. He is so stupid, and I’m not trying to offend him, stupid is a word for a real thing. He comes and say: ‘the show stops if you don’t apologize for what you said about Brazil’. He did what a real checkers player would do. He would never imagine that I would refuse to apologize. When I refused, all that he could do was give up. He put himself in check, I didn’t do that. The show stopped and was almost over. They had to call Dana White and the producers. I begged him to come back and he didn’t. So he called for a cab and the cab came. One producer had to stop him in the cab and make him come back…
“The producers told me that maybe I should apologize. I said: “No, I can’t. It’s not an ego thing, I don’t blame myself for any of that. I can’t apologize because they will be just meaningless words. I’m happy because I did that. I thought it was fun and I could do it all again today.” Wanderlei asked me why I couldn’t apologize and I said it worked, I wanted to fight against Anderson Silva, I got the fight and I liked saying what I said. It was fun. I could do it again today. Wanderlei was so angry, he looked like a cartoon character with smoke coming from his ears.”
My favorite part of the video above is 1:55-2:11, where Chael tries to explain his position to Silva, and Wandy just gets more confused and more angry. Honestly, this whole thing is so great, I hope the TUF Brazil 3 producers do the right thing and cut out all the meaningless fight footage to make more time for the stuff that’s actually entertaining, like Chael mocking Wanderlei Silva’s intellect, and Wanderlei not signing his bout agreement out of spite, and Chael’s wife cooking him dinner in a Brazilian mansion. Everything else is just filler.
I almost feel bad for the cast of TUF Brazil 3 — whoever they are — because all the squabbling/fake brawling between coaches Chael Sonnen and Wanderlei Silva is stealing so much of the spotlight. Then again, do I care about regional-level Brazilian prospects fighting in a reality-TV tournament? I do not. Do I have any plans to subscribe to Fight Pass to watch this show and others like it? No sir. At all, like ever? No no no.
So here’s something else that happened during filming: Wanderlei Silva demanded an apology for all of the nasty things Chael Sonnen said about Brazilian people in the lead-up to his first fight against Anderson Silva. Sonnen refused. Silva threatened to leave the show if Sonnen didn’t apologize. Sonnen refused some more, and suddenly we were at an impasse. Here’s what Chael had to say afterwards about Silva’s failed power-play:
“He is so stupid, I’m ashamed of him. He is a checkers player. In checkers you play one move at a time. If you are a chess player, you have to guess what I’m going to do and plan your next move, you have to be three or four moves ahead. He is so stupid, and I’m not trying to offend him, stupid is a word for a real thing. He comes and say: ‘the show stops if you don’t apologize for what you said about Brazil’. He did what a real checkers player would do. He would never imagine that I would refuse to apologize. When I refused, all that he could do was give up. He put himself in check, I didn’t do that. The show stopped and was almost over. They had to call Dana White and the producers. I begged him to come back and he didn’t. So he called for a cab and the cab came. One producer had to stop him in the cab and make him come back…
I almost feel bad for the cast of TUF Brazil 3 — whoever they are — because all the squabbling/fake brawling between coaches Chael Sonnen and Wanderlei Silva is stealing so much of the spotlight. Then again, do I care about regional-level Brazilian prospects fighting in a reality-TV tournament? I do not. Do I have any plans to subscribe to Fight Pass to watch this show and others like it? No sir. At all, like ever? No no no.
So here’s something else that happened during filming: Wanderlei Silva demanded an apology for all of the nasty things Chael Sonnen said about Brazilian people in the lead-up to his first fight against Anderson Silva. Sonnen refused. Silva threatened to leave the show if Sonnen didn’t apologize. Sonnen refused some more, and suddenly we were at an impasse. Here’s what Chael had to say afterwards about Silva’s failed power-play:
“He is so stupid, I’m ashamed of him. He is a checkers player. In checkers you play one move at a time. If you are a chess player, you have to guess what I’m going to do and plan your next move, you have to be three or four moves ahead. He is so stupid, and I’m not trying to offend him, stupid is a word for a real thing. He comes and say: ‘the show stops if you don’t apologize for what you said about Brazil’. He did what a real checkers player would do. He would never imagine that I would refuse to apologize. When I refused, all that he could do was give up. He put himself in check, I didn’t do that. The show stopped and was almost over. They had to call Dana White and the producers. I begged him to come back and he didn’t. So he called for a cab and the cab came. One producer had to stop him in the cab and make him come back…
“The producers told me that maybe I should apologize. I said: “No, I can’t. It’s not an ego thing, I don’t blame myself for any of that. I can’t apologize because they will be just meaningless words. I’m happy because I did that. I thought it was fun and I could do it all again today.” Wanderlei asked me why I couldn’t apologize and I said it worked, I wanted to fight against Anderson Silva, I got the fight and I liked saying what I said. It was fun. I could do it again today. Wanderlei was so angry, he looked like a cartoon character with smoke coming from his ears.”
My favorite part of the video above is 1:55-2:11, where Chael tries to explain his position to Silva, and Wandy just gets more confused and more angry. Honestly, this whole thing is so great, I hope the TUF Brazil 3 producers do the right thing and cut out all the meaningless fight footage to make more time for the stuff that’s actually entertaining, like Chael mocking Wanderlei Silva’s intellect, and Wanderlei not signing his bout agreement out of spite, and Chael’s wife cooking him dinner in a Brazilian mansion. Everything else is just filler.
It’s Saturday! Do you know what that means? A day off from the drudgery of office life in middle class America? A lackluster UFC card with a $60 price tag? Unfit for television jobber matches on UFC fight pass? None of these. Saturday means CagePotato’s Martial Arts Fail of the Week!
It’s Saturday! Do you know what that means? A day off from the drudgery of office life in middle class America? A lackluster UFC card with a $60 price tag? Unfit for television jobber matches on UFC fight pass? None of these. Saturday means CagePotato’s Martial Arts Fail of the Week!
What is the Master teaching us this week? How to best boxers in a street fight. But these boxers are special. They pump “steroids up the asshole” and still wear their boxing gloves while fighting in parking lots (so they don’t break their hands and ruin their ability to “grab titty”). What’s Master Wong’s secret to putting down pugilists? Is it takedowns? Leg kicks? You’ll have to watch and see. We promise that it’s worth you’re time. We give the video the CagePotato Guarantee™.
If you see any video that’s good (or bad) enough to make the cut, let us know! Send it to [email protected]
It’s a real shame that most hockey fans unfamiliar with MMA might never know that the greatest hockey brawl of all time actually took place during an MMA fight. No, not Bosse vs. Alexander, I’m talking about Frye vs. Takayama.
Frye vs. Takayama is the kind of epic, go-for-broke brawl that transcends all sports, really — the kind of fight that threw away technique, common sense, and any semblance of a gameplan and simply boiled down to pure machismo and who had more of it (Frye, obviously). And on Saturday night, hockey finally got its Frye vs. Takayama, in the form of a brawl between Joel Theriault and Gaby Roch that took place during a Quebec-based LNAH semi-pro game.
The feeling out process lasts approximately 5 seconds before Theriault and Roch clinch up and start unloading bombs on one another. Clearly not having read my column on MMA moves that would serve well in a hockey fight, neither player opts for a guillotine choke or Muay Thai plum, but even more incredible than Theriault and Roch’s grit and unbreakable chins is what they do once the refs finally step in. First they high-five, then they hug.
It’s one of those rare, truly beautiful moments that cannot even be ruined by the presence of Five Finger Death Punch’s music blaring in the background. Because, as the classic Mr. Show “I’ll marry your stupid ass” sketch has taught us, there’s a mutual respect to be found when someone realizes that the person they are quarreling with is as much a badass as they believe themselves to be. And hopefully, this fight will help bridge the gap between hockey and MMA fans for years to come.
It’s a real shame that most hockey fans unfamiliar with MMA might never know that the greatest hockey brawl of all time actually took place during an MMA fight. No, not Bosse vs. Alexander, I’m talking about Frye vs. Takayama.
Frye vs. Takayama is the kind of epic, go-for-broke brawl that transcends all sports, really — the kind of fight that threw away technique, common sense, and any semblance of a gameplan and simply boiled down to pure machismo and who had more of it (Frye, obviously). And on Saturday night, hockey finally got its Frye vs. Takayama, in the form of a brawl between Joel Theriault and Gaby Roch that took place during a Quebec-based LNAH semi-pro game.
The feeling out process lasts approximately 5 seconds before Theriault and Roch clinch up and start unloading bombs on one another. Clearly not having read my column on MMA moves that would serve well in a hockey fight, neither player opts for a guillotine choke or Muay Thai plum, but even more incredible than Theriault and Roch’s grit and unbreakable chins is what they do once the refs finally step in. First they high-five, then they hug.
It’s one of those rare, truly beautiful moments that cannot even be ruined by the presence of Five Finger Death Punch’s music blaring in the background. Because, as the classic Mr. Show “I’ll marry your stupid ass” sketch has taught us, there’s a mutual respect to be found when someone realizes that the person they are quarreling with is as much a badass as they believe themselves to be. And hopefully, this fight will help bridge the gap between hockey and MMA fans for years to come.
