(This isn’t the shirt in question, but still, just look at this goddamn thing. Larry the Cable Guy wouldn’t be caught dead in this mess.)
At this point in the Reebok-UFC partnership, you’d be hard-pressed to convince us that the former *isn’t* trying to intentionally tank the deal through sheer incompetence, ala Springtime for Hitler. You could probably go so far as to say that the company never really wanted to partner with the UFC in the first place, but were simply called a dummy by Dana White so often and so vociferously that they were eventually forced to cave in.
In either case, it would be hard to remember a sports organization-apparel partnership in recent memory that so negatively affected both parties involved. The payouts for the fighters themselves have been abysmal, the outcry on Reebok’s social media pages vociferous (there’s that word again!), and the apparel designs themselves uninspiring at best and shameful at worst.
But if Reebok’s incompetence hadn’t already reached new heights following the much-scorned release/immediate recall of its “Ireland” shirt, they’ve surely done so now with the work of art that awaits you after the jump.
(This isn’t the shirt in question, but still, just look at this goddamn thing. Larry the Cable Guy wouldn’t be caught dead in this mess.)
At this point in the Reebok-UFC partnership, you’d be hard-pressed to convince us that the former *isn’t* trying to intentionally tank the deal through sheer incompetence, ala Springtime for Hitler. You could probably go so far as to say that the company never really wanted to partner with the UFC in the first place, but were simply called a dummy by Dana White so often and so vociferously that they were eventually forced to cave in.
In either case, it would be hard to remember a sports organization-apparel partnership in recent memory that so negatively affected both parties involved. The payouts for the fighters themselves have been abysmal, the outcry on Reebok’s social media pages vociferous (there’s that word again!), and the apparel designs themselves uninspiring at best and shameful at worst.
But if Reebok’s incompetence hadn’t already reached new heights following the much-scorned release/immediate recall of its “Ireland” shirt, they’ve surely done so now with the work of art that awaits you after the jump.
Yep. There’s a new fighter in town and his name is Anderson Aldo. Or Anderson Aldo Silva. That’s not important. What is important is that you pay $35 for it and continue living a life of sad overcompensation and terrible Christmases.
Even more hilarious than the shirt itself is the accompanying description, which reads, “Anderson Silva channels the striking power of ‘The Spider,’ and now you can channel his fighting style with a cotton crewneck tee that comes with serious fan cred.” Which, two things:
1) Anderson Silva got his nickname after wearing a Spiderman t-shirt to the cage in one of his early fights, not because he “channels the striking power” of his own nickname. This took us all of 5 seconds to find that out.
2) Nothing quite says “serious fan cred” like buying a shirt from a company that both misprinted the name of the sport’s most dominant athlete, then held a photoshoot without realizing the mistake they had made.
As you might expect, the shirt has since been taken off Reebok’s site, because apparently their “quality control” department consists of one guy searching #Reebok on Twitter while on the toilet. So make sure to swing over to Reebok’s UFC page and pick yourself up one of them Junior dos Anjos shirts everyone’s clamoring for this holiday season.
I’ve been saying that more MMA fighters should start incorporating professional wrestling moves into their arsenal from the very moment that Anthony Pettis channeled Rey Mysterio Jr. to kick Ben Henderson in the face. Mixed martial arts is sports entertainment at the end of the day, and who among us wouldn’t pay to, even three times as much for a ticket if there was even the slightest chance of seeing a knockout via The Worm?
Goldy: “Scotty Too Hotty-esque in his fluidity is Demetrious Johnson, Joe.”
Rogan: “UN-BE-LIEV-A-BLE!!”
Thankfully, it appears that former Bellator bantamweight Luis Nogueira has been listening to my impassioned cries for change and delivered just that in the form of MMA’s first ever Rock Bottom KO.
I’ve been saying that more MMA fighters should start incorporating professional wrestling moves into their arsenal from the very moment that Anthony Pettis channeled Rey Mysterio Jr. to kick Ben Henderson in the face. Mixed martial arts is sports entertainment at the end of the day, and who among us wouldn’t pay to, even three times as much for a ticket if there was even the slightest chance of seeing a knockout via The Worm?
Goldy: “Scotty Too Hotty-esque in his fluidity is Demetrious Johnson, Joe.”
Rogan: “UN-BE-LIEV-A-BLE!!”
Thankfully, it appears that former Bellator bantamweight Luis Nogueira has been listening to my impassioned cries for change and delivered just that in the form of MMA’s first ever Rock Bottom KO.
Video after the jump.
On the undercard of last weekend’s Pancrase event, Nogueira effortlessly dispatched his journeyman opponent, Yuki “Brave Devil” Baba, with a hellacious slam that would’ve made Dwayne Johnson shed a tear and then wipe it up with a $1000 bill. Check out the finish below.
Now, I suppose you could *technically* write this off as just another run-of-the-mill slam KO, but I’d like to think that Nogueira had just finished watching a WWE Ultimate Rock Bottom Compilation in the locker room and decided to put theory to practice.
In any case, the win improved Nogueira to 20-4 overall and dropped Baba to 11-7. Now if Nogueira can go ahead and figure out a way to chokeslam his next opponent into a flaming casket, we’ll finally be making some progress with this while MMA thing.
For those of you who thought we’d never see a more cartoonish, WWE-esque reaction to a knockout than Rolles Gracie’s Flair Flop at WSOF 5, boy oh boy do we have a treat for you.
Inside MMA have always been a great source for amatuer and local fight highlights across the globe, but they may have outdone themselves with this clip from last month’s VCFC: Danville Destruction 5 event in Virginia. In an amateur match between welterweights Chris Henderson and Chris Gardner, Henderson landed a knee from the clinch so vicious, so devastating, that it sent his opponent into a 360 degree tailspin complete with airplane arms before faceplanting him on the canvas. It was absolutely ridiculous, and even after some two dozen views, I’m still not convinced that the whole thing wasn’t a work.
For those of you who thought we’d never see a more cartoonish, WWE-esque reaction to a knockout than Rolles Gracie’s Flair Flop at WSOF 5, boy oh boy do we have a treat for you.
Inside MMA have always been a great source for amatuer and local fight highlights across the globe, but they may have outdone themselves with this clip from last month’s VCFC: Danville Destruction 5 event in Virginia. In an amateur match between welterweights Chris Henderson and Chris Gardner, Henderson landed a knee from the clinch so vicious, so devastating, that it sent his opponent into a 360 degree tailspin complete with airplane arms before faceplanting him on the canvas. It was absolutely ridiculous, and even after some two dozen views, I’m still not convinced that the whole thing wasn’t a work.
Video after the jump.
I mean, that has to be fake, right? Aside from the fact that Henderson’s knee didn’t even appear to land that flush, there’s just no way you can tell me that Gardner’s reaction to said knee was anywhere on the spectrum of normal. It’s even worse when you watch it in gif form:
Yep, these two were definitely in on it, most likely to score some free publicity. Goal achieved, gentlemen. Goal achieved.
The win improves Henderson to 3-0 as an ammy (with all finishes) and drops Gardner to 5-12. He may never be a champion or even a journeyman, but let’s hope that Gardner can rest assured knowing that he will forever be embedded in the cultural grain of MMA thanks to this gif. I can already see the memes…
The story goes like this: Over the weekend, some crazy, likely drunk woman wandered into the former WEC champion’s California home, locked herself in his bathroom, and proceeded to channel the vengeful spirit of Duane Ludwig via a stream of poop and vomit.
Okay, so it’s not all that intricate a story.
Anyways, Faber eventually had to call on the cops to bust open his bathroom door, but not before recording the entire incident via Snapchat. Not much has been revealed about the woman in question up until this point, so I guess we’ll have to wait and see if she was sent to deliver a message on TJ Dillashaw’s behalf.
The story goes like this: Over the weekend, some crazy, likely drunk woman wandered into the former WEC champion’s California home, locked herself in his bathroom, and proceeded to channel the vengeful spirit of Duane Ludwig via a stream of poop and vomit.
Okay, so it’s not all that intricate a story.
Anyways, Faber eventually had to call on the cops to bust open his bathroom door, but not before recording the entire incident via Snapchat. Not much has been revealed about the woman in question up until this point, so I guess we’ll have to wait and see if she was sent to deliver a message on TJ Dillashaw’s behalf.
One thing we haven’t been treated to on many occasions, thankfully, is a fighter voiding his bowels in the cage. I mean, sure, there are those rumors about what happened to Chuck Liddell after Rashad Evans snatched the life out of him at UFC 188, and we all know that Tim Syl-no, Jared, you’re better than this. But at an amateur event in Beckley, West Virginia over the weekend, one poor bastard literally got the shit kicked out of him, it seems.
Caution: You might want to put down you breakfast before watching this.
One thing we haven’t been treated to on many occasions, thankfully, is a fighter voiding his bowels in the cage. I mean, sure, there are those rumors about what happened to Chuck Liddell after Rashad Evans snatched the life out of him at UFC 188, and we all know that Tim Syl-no, Jared, you’re better than this. But at an amateur event in Beckley, West Virginia over the weekend, one poor bastard literally got the shit kicked out of him, it seems.
Caution: You might want to put down you breakfast before watching this.
According to the video’s uploader, the fighter in question goes by — and I kid you not — Travis “The Brown Bomber” Wolford. Apparently Travis decided to prepare for his fight at “Ruckus in the Cage” last Saturday by attending a chili cook-off the day before, as any top-level MMA trainer would suggest. Unfortunately for him, his cousin’s famous Habanero Hellfire recipe would rear its ugly head the next day in the form of one thoroughly embarrassing case of mud butt.
Word has it that Wolford later dedicated his performance to his idol, Tim Sylvia-GOD DAMMIT!
Despite our bitter, heated, and third adjective protests, it appears that studio executives will be steamrolling ahead with a remake of the beloved 1989 classic, Roadhouse, with women’s bantamweight champion Ronda Rousey starring in the titular role of “Dalton Roadhouse” (don’t fact-check that) originally played by Patrick Swayze.
But with only one key role filled, we figured we might as well do our part to ensure that this movie sucks as little as possible — what with us being the pulse of the MMA-movie world and all all. You know what this means: It’s dream-casting time.
Despite our bitter, heated, and third adjective protests, it appears that studio executives will be steamrolling ahead with a remake of the beloved 1989 classic, Roadhouse, with women’s bantamweight champion Ronda Rousey starring in the titular role of “Dalton Roadhouse” (don’t fact-check that) originally played by Patrick Swayze.
But with only one key role filled, we figured we might as well do our part to ensure that this movie sucks as little as possible — what with us being the pulse of the MMA-movie world and all all. You know what this means: It’s dream-casting time.
Eddie Redmayne as “Doc”
Perhaps the most prominent question fans of the original Road House have been asking of the remake is, “How is Ronda Rousey suppose to f*ck her romantic interest on the wall of a rustic cabin?” Truly a thorough moviegoing audience, that Internet.
The answer? By casting an actor so non-threatening, so hyper-effeminate that no one would think twice about who “the man” in the relationship was. Enter Eddie Redmayne, the method actor so method that he permanently altered the alignment of his spine to win an Oscar for playing Stephen Hawking in The Theory of Everything last year. Standing at 5′ 11” and weighing in at just over a crate of crab apples, Redmayne is perfect to play the Doc to Rousey’s Dalton. And not only that, his upcoming turn as transgender artist Lili Elbe in The Danish Girlproves that Redmayne could even play the role as a woman if that’s what he (or Rousey) was into.
It would be the acting challenge of a lifetime…until Redmayne injects his face with 10 gallons of collagen to play Rocky Dennis in the Maskremake that you just know is on the horizon.
Dame Judi Dench as “Wendy Garrett”
Long considered the “Sam Elliott in Road House” of the English theater circuit, Dame Judi Dench is fresh off a reprisal of her role as Evelyn, the tough-nosed, know-it-all bouncer of the Exotic Marigold Hotel in The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. If you still find yourself questioning just how much ass Dame Dench can kick, I direct you to her cold-blooded portrayal of M in the James Bond series. Got it? Good. Now shut up and keep reading.
Look, if we’re going to make a Road House remake that does more than make audiences compare it to the original, we’ve gotta go different with it. *Real* different. Example 1: Having an incredibly British character inexplicably dropped amongst the quaint buckboard parlance of Jasper, Missouri. The moment in which Dame Dench refers to the Double Deuce as the “Double Douche” alone will be worth the price of admission.
Any UFC Women’s Bantamweight as “Brae Wesley”
Patrick Swayze vs. Ben Gazzara was quite possibly the most lopsided mismatch ever portrayed in a Hollywood film until Sly Stallone fought the Dad from Third Rock From the Sun in Cliffhanger. Wesley was the money, the puppeteer, the man behind the goons, sure, but for all of his arrogance, he was little more than roadkill when matched up man-to-man with Swayze’s throat-ripping, kung-fu master.
Likewise, there isn’t a woman currently competing in the women’s bantamweight division that has come within eyeshot of defeating Rousey, so just throw Cat Zingano, Alexis Davis, Bethe Correia (etc, etc.) in there and let the champ do her thing. I guaran-damn-tee that the whole lot of them would be willing to swallow their pride for a paycheck equivalent to their next 15 fights in the UFC.
Cris Cyborg as “Jenny”
I mean, this is pretty obvious, right? If MMA fans are never going to get Rousey vs. Cyborg in real life, then I think we should at least be treated to Rousey vs. Cyborg on the big screen. By casting the current Invicta featherweight champ in the role of “Jimmy” (or “Jenny”), Hollywood would actually cash in on a fight that Dana White could never put together with all of his big-dick swangin’ bravado and mountains of money, and ooooh how that would piss him off.
Besides all that, Cyborg is quite possibly the *only* MMA fighter-cum-thespian capable of pulling off the iconic “I used to fuck guys like you in prison” line with any sense of authenticity.
Dana White as “Tilghman”
I’ll be honest, the characters of Roadhouse start to get a little hazy once you go beyond the core group of players. I had no idea that the creepy-eyed owner of the Double Deuce pictured above was named “Tilghman,” for instance, and now that I do, I’m merely wondering why the hell anyone would ever give an under-five character such a borderline incomprehensible name. That aside, casting Dana White as the bar owner who needs Ronda Rousey to save his business is a metaphor for the UFC so delectable that I’m watering at the mouth just thinking about it.
Felice Herrig as “That One Slutty Blonde Chick”
With all due respect to Ms. Herrig, she was born for this role. Some may argue that the nameless stripteasing blonde in Road House served little purpose other than some throwaway T-n-A, as evident by the fact that not a one of could name her character if a gun was being held to our head (penis), but I scoff at that notion. “That One Slutty Blonde Chick” served as an *integral* part of Dalton’s character arc, and I plan to support that claim in vivid detail as soon as I finish running these errands that I totally forgot about until right now.
……….
Anyways, there isn’t a female fighter out there who has utilized her sexuality as a marketing tool better than Felice Herrig, so let’s throw her in a pink dress and a cowboy hat and get to work!
Another possibility for this role:Dame Judi Dench
Kleio Valentien as “Rue Webster”
You might remember Valentien as the woman cast as none other than Ronda Rousey in Burning Angel’s Ronda ArouseMe: Grounded and Pounded porn parody. You might also recall that I stated she was a poor fit for the role based on the fact that she bared little resemblance to the woman she was supposedly playing.
Well, after going back and doing the proper research, I must say that Kleio is a very gifted, very capable performer, and I feel kind of bad about writing her off. Lord knows I love me a tatted-up chick, so that’s why I’m throwing her into the role of Red/”Rue” Webster, the kindly shop owner who stirs Dalton to action when his livelihood is blown to smithereens by Wesley.
And who knows? Maybe this time around, you have some sexual tension between Red/Rue and Dalton. Maybe Dalton ends up falling for Red/Rue instead of Doc altogether, and the movie culminates with a passionate, 10-minute love scene ala Blue is the Warmest Color set in the charred remains of Red/Rue’s general store.
I’m just spitballing here.
Roy Nelson as “Tinker”
I don’t feel the need to justify this casting.
So Nation, on a scale of One to Eleventeen, how much did we crush our most recent casting session? Let us know in the comments section.
