I have seen some incredible flops in my day, Potato Nation. I’ve watched nearly 1000 hours of World Cup soccer, I spent two summers in the 90’s at the Vlade Divac School of Basketball, and I even made it through the first 40 minutes of Cloud Atlas before I faked a stroke to get out of that God forsaken theater. But believe me when I say that nothing, nothing I’ve come across compares to the flop that took place during former Atlanta Falcons defensive end Ray Edwards’ most recent boxing match.
Edwards — who was released by the Falcons in November — was actually competing in his third professional boxing match last Saturday. But like Kimbo Slice and morenotably Aleksander Emelianenko before him, the opponents being put before Edwards all seem to be suffering from various degrees of sudden onset narcolepsy. Here’s a video of Edwards’ second fight against Corey Briggs, a man I can only assume has since lost at least a foot to diabetes. And if you think that looked fishy, just wait until you see his most recent farce.
I have seen some incredible flops in my day, Potato Nation. I’ve watched nearly 1000 hours of World Cup soccer, I spent two summers in the 90′s at the Vlade Divac School of Basketball, and I even made it through the first 40 minutes of Cloud Atlas before I faked a stroke to get out of that God forsaken theater. But believe me when I say that nothing, nothing I’ve come across compares to the flop that took place during former Atlanta Falcons defensive end Ray Edwards’ most recent boxing match.
Edwards — who was released by the Falcons in November — was actually competing in his third professional boxing match last Saturday. But like Kimbo Slice and morenotably Aleksander Emelianenko before him, the opponents being put before Edwards all seem to be suffering from various degrees of sudden onset narcolepsy. Here’s a video of Edwards’ second fight against Corey Briggs, a man I can only assume has since lost at least a foot to diabetes. And if you think that looked fishy, just wait until you see his most recent farce.
Video below.
According to Edwards’ Wikipedia page, the portly trout seen taking an Oscar-level dive here goes by Nick “Turbo Tax” Capes, who is both Edwards’ accountant and was “knocked out with a stuff breeze” for filing his client’s taxes incorrectly. And while some of this information is clearly the work of an anonymous — not to mention genius — troll out there, we’d like to congratulate Capes for not only creating a new category for this year’s Potato Awards (Flop of the Year) with his effort here, but for already securing both the first and last place on the list of nominees.
Seriously, have any of you ever seen a more egregious dive than this one before? Video link or GTFO.
Okay, this is funny. You know how Chuck Liddell‘s bodyinvoluntarilyconvulses whenever he’s watching a fight that’s important to him? Well, it happened again during the UFC on FOX 6 match between his longtime rival Quinton Jackson and his longtime training partner Glover Teixeira. But don’t watch Chuck — watch his fiance Heidi Northcott, who spazzes out right along with him. At 0:35-0:37, it’s almost like she’s doing an impression of Chuck Liddell’s trademark spectator-stroke. In fact, the sheer over-the-top-ness of it makes me wonder if Heidi is actually in on the joke, and this whole thing is just a performance for our amusement. Hell, it wouldn’t be the first time that these two have tried to pull a fast one on us.
Okay, this is funny. You know how Chuck Liddell‘s bodyinvoluntarilyconvulses whenever he’s watching a fight that’s important to him? Well, it happened again during the UFC on FOX 6 match between his longtime rival Quinton Jackson and his longtime training partner Glover Teixeira. But don’t watch Chuck — watch his fiance Heidi Northcott, who spazzes out right along with him. At 0:35-0:37, it’s almost like she’s doing an impression of Chuck Liddell’s trademark spectator-stroke. In fact, the sheer over-the-top-ness of it makes me wonder if Heidi is actually in on the joke, and this whole thing is just a performance for our amusement. Hell, it wouldn’t be the first time that these two have tried to pull a fast one on us.
No, the above image is not something that was drawn up by a 7 year-old Japanese schoolboy in between classes, nor is it Dr. Scholl’s experiment gone awry involving a rubber factory and an army of millipedes. The utterly ridiculous mishmash of trampoline springs and synthetic leather pictured above is actually the Rampage Jackson-endorsed Reebok shoe responsible for Page’s latest tantrum aimed at the UFC. I cannot emphasize enough that I am not joking here. On a Rampage-Jackson-alternative-business-venture scale of “Rampage Punch” to “Now shake it, *you* shake it, I wanna see that ass butt-naked,” I give it a solid “Transsexual rape video.” No, I will not go into further detail.
Set to hit the shelves on February 1st, the only thing more outlandish than the look of this thing is the 140 dollars it will cost you to pick up a pair. For one third of that price, I will gladly push you down a flight of stairs, trip you in a crowd, or use whatever method you prefer to achieve the sprained ankle you will inevitably suffer while wearing these moon shoes. Jackson says that the design was inspired by all terrain vehicles, but could someone please explain to me what sport or everyday activity these things could possibly be useful for? Or what group of people Reebok is trying to promote with these? Unless competitive hopscotching troglodytes are a huge undiscovered market that has just been waiting to be tapped into, I expect that these things will be filling the bargain bins at Reebok stores nationwide by Christmas. Anyone disagree?
No, the above image is not something that was drawn up by a 7 year-old Japanese schoolboy in between classes, nor is it Dr. Scholl’s experiment gone awry involving a rubber factory and an army of millipedes. The utterly ridiculous mishmash of trampoline springs and synthetic leather pictured above is actually the Rampage Jackson-endorsed Reebok shoe responsible for Page’s latest tantrum aimed at the UFC. I cannot emphasize enough that I am not joking here. On a Rampage-Jackson-alternative-business-venture scale of “Rampage Punch” to “Now shake it, *you* shake it, I wanna see that ass butt-naked,“ I give it a solid “Transsexual rape video.” No, I will not go into further detail.
Set to hit the shelves on February 1st, the only thing more outlandish than the look of this thing is the 140 dollars it will cost you to pick up a pair. For one third of that price, I will gladly push you down a flight of stairs, trip you in a crowd, or use whatever method you prefer to achieve the sprained ankle you will inevitably suffer while wearing these moon shoes. Jackson says that the design was inspired by all terrain vehicles, but could someone please explain to me what sport or everyday activity these things could possibly be useful for? Or what group of people Reebok is trying to promote with these? Unless competitive hopscotching troglodytes are a huge undiscovered market that has just been waiting to be tapped into, I expect that these things will be filling the bargain bins at Reebok stores nationwide by Christmas. Anyone disagree?
Then again, the existence of Movie 43 (and the millions of dollars it will likely make this weekend. Just watch.) proves that we as a society are still not capable of distinguishing good products from terrible ones, so I guess we should just start preparing ourselves for the herds of wobbly-legged wankers who will be stumbling onto subways across the country donning these beauties.
So how many of you Taters will be camping out in line for a chance to own a pair of Page’s signature kicks? Get it? Kicks?! Because he never throws any?
In either case, Sonnen recently appeared on his favorite venue for trolling the MMA world, The Jim Rome Show, and picked up where he left off in regards to the now disgraced cyclist, even delving into how Armstrong had threatened to sue him for his statements at one point:
Why are they calling him a bully? That’s what I can’t wrap my mind brain around. Lance is a dweeb, the only thing he’s missing is the tape on the glasses and the high water pants. That guy couldn’t get respect at the local Honky Tonk in my hometown. He threatened to sue me so I threatened to kick his ass and the whole thing went away.
In either case, Sonnen recently appeared on his favorite venue for trolling the MMA world, The Jim Rome Show, and picked up where he left off in regards to the now disgraced cyclist, even delving into how Armstrong had threatened to sue him for his statements at one point:
Why are they calling him a bully? That’s what I can’t wrap my mind brain around. Lance is a dweeb, the only thing he’s missing is the tape on the glasses and the high water pants. That guy couldn’t get respect at the local Honky Tonk in my hometown. He threatened to sue me so I threatened to kick his ass and the whole thing went away.
Look, I get it and I’m kidding but Lance did do some bad stuff and he was a jerk about it. Yeah, he hit me up with the whole ‘I’m gonna sue you’ routine and I hit him back with the whole ‘I’ll kick your ass’ routine. That’s it, that’s where it ended. I thought he was going to go through with the lawsuit but he did not.
So there you have it, Potato Nation: Oregon is apparently such a backwards, underdeveloped state that it still has local Honky Tonks at which the townspeople must throw down to earn respect. That’s what we were supposed to take away from this, right?
You can listen to Sonnen’s entire interview here, and we’d highly recommend it. Sonnen barely lets Rome get the introduction out of the way before he starts attacking Armstrong for using PED’s “to do something that my six year-old niece does up and down the driveway every day,” and it only gets more entertaining from there.
Hopefully the 17th season (!!!) premiere of The Ultimate Fighter tonight won’t absolutely suck, because Sonnen has simply put too much effort into his convoluted attempts at hyping the season up to let it go unnoticed.
Maybe it’s just me, but my apathy for all the stupid, knock-off, hybrid MMA sports that have been created in the past few years has reached levels I previously thought unimaginable. Less than a year ago, I would have come across something as — for lack of a better word — retarded as Footbrawl and immediately launched into a three to five hundred word diatribe in which I explained to you exactly how retarded something like Footbrawl truly is. I would have pointed out that, sure, grappling is cool, but it loses some of its luster (or at least its practicality) when two men holding American Gladiator-style jousting sticks repeatedly doink you from above. That last sentence is only gay if you are.
Furthermore, I would have relentlessly mocked the minds behind this sportbortion for daring to combine Ultimate Ball and Jiu-Jitsu with the God’s honest intent of entertainment. I would have waxed poetic about a sport that, when carried out, most closely resembles a Plutonian laundromat riot circa 2033. But the XARM’s, the Wheeled Warriors, and the Warrior Islands of the past few years have all but completely desensitized me to the stupidity of humankind. And this shit doesn’t even have a Tater Williams.
So I beg of you, Potato Nation, to pick up where I have failed in the comments section. Trash this sport. Trash the ever-loving hell out of it.
(Just so we don’t come across as completely negative, a cheers is in order for whoever decided upon using Rage Against the Machine for background music. And that’s where the compliments stop.)
Maybe it’s just me, but my apathy for all the stupid, knock-off, hybrid MMA sports that have been created in the past few years has reached levels I previously thought unimaginable. Less than a year ago, I would have come across something as — for lack of a better word — retarded as Footbrawl and immediately launched into a three to five hundred word diatribe in which I explained to you exactly how retarded something like Footbrawl truly is. I would have pointed out that, sure, grappling is cool, but it loses some of its luster (or at least its practicality) when two men holding American Gladiator-style jousting sticks repeatedly doink you from above. That last sentence is only gay if you are.
Furthermore, I would have relentlessly mocked the minds behind this sportbortion for daring to combine Ultimate Ball and Jiu-Jitsu with the God’s honest intent of entertainment. I would have waxed poetic about a sport that, when carried out, most closely resembles a Plutonian laundromat riot circa 2033. But the XARM’s, the Wheeled Warriors, and the Warrior Islands of the past few years have all but completely desensitized me to the stupidity of humankind. And this shit doesn’t even have a Tater Williams.
So I beg of you, Potato Nation, to pick up where I have failed in the comments section. Trash this sport. Trash the ever-loving hell out of it. Trash it until someone claiming to be the CEO of Footbrawl is forced to defend the sport via several poorly-written comments. Hell, trash me for even recognizing its existence. And when you’re through with that, trash the Jets for sucking so bad at everything, because fuck ‘em. Several sources have declared the CP comments section to be “the cesspool of the MMA world,” so let’s see if we can lower that bar from “cesspool” to “AIDS-infested shithole” with this article. Make me proud, ladies and gents.
(This will become relevant by the end of the article. Until then, let’s just bask in its glory.)
We’re not sure if we’ve conveyed our feelings regarding middleweight contender Michael Bisping in such articles as “Michael Bisping Asshole Quote of the Day” or the sarcastically-titled “Michael Bisping, Most Understood Fighter in the UFC,” but suffice it to say, we aren’t too high on “The Count.” If you’re someone who appreciates a humble fighter who puts on entertaining fights each and every time they step into the octagon, chances are you aren’t too high on him either.
I can honestly say that I haven’t been outright entertained by a Bisping fight since he fought Wanderlei back at UFC 110, so perhaps he is the correct source to consult when determining whether a fight was boring or not. Luckily for us, Michael could only fit so much dickishness into his schedule each day, so he went and started a blog to make sure we could all be privy to this exact kind of information. In his most recent post, he took aim at Tim Boetsch and Alan Belcher, two fellow middleweights who came up short in somewhat disastrous performances at UFC 155.
We’ve collected all the best snippets, along with our running commentary in bold, after the jump. So join us as we honor (that’s code for “Spill Haterade on”) the nastiest hater since Silky Johnson, won’t you?
(This will become relevant by the end of the article. Until then, let’s just bask in its glory.)
We’re not sure if we’ve conveyed our feelings regarding middleweight contender Michael Bisping in such articles as “Michael Bisping Asshole Quote of the Day” or the sarcastically-titled “Michael Bisping, Most Understood Fighter in the UFC,” but suffice it to say, we aren’t too high on “The Count.” If you’re someone who appreciates a humble fighter who puts on entertaining fights each and every time they step into the octagon, chances are you aren’t too high on him either.
I can honestly say that I haven’t been outright entertained by a Bisping fight since he fought Wanderlei back at UFC 110, so perhaps he is the correct source to consult when determining whether a fight was boring or not. Luckily for us, Michael could only fit so much dickishness into his schedule each day, so he went and started a blog to make sure we could all be privy to this exact kind of information. In his most recent post, he took aim at Tim Boetsch and Alan Belcher, two fellow middleweights who came up short in somewhat disastrous performances at UFC 155.
We’ve collected all the best snippets, along with our running commentary in bold, after the jump. So join us as we honor (that’s code for “Spill Haterade on”) the nastiest hater since Silky Johnson, won’t you?
UFC president Dana White has confirmed that if I beat Vitor Belfort in two weeks – which is a big ask – then I get the next shot at Silva. (Be careful, Michael, he said “probably” get a shot. All it takes is one cocky welterweight with higher PPV numbers to turn “probably” into “sometime next year.”)But, that’s the limit of how much I have thought about Anderson Silva. All this talk will be for nothing if I get caught by Vitor Belfort in Brazil on January 19.
I’m doing a few of these blogs, so without wanting anyone to think I’m not 100 percent focused on Belfort and that fight, and in the interest of keeping something fresh to talk about over the next four blogs, I’ll talk a little about UFC 155, which was a huge card for my division. I was there in person and the undercard was great, the last two fights were awesome… and the middleweights let us down (Hard to argue that).
I felt sorry for Chris Leben (You’re not alone there), who didn’t look himself and clearly was suffering from ring rust in his fight. I hope next time he’s the Crippler of old. Fit and healthy, he’s one of the most exciting guys in the UFC (Except when he’s fighting you, in which case he’s neither. BOOM!)and the middleweight division is richer having Leben in it.
Obviously commiserations are in order for my former fellow top five contenders Alan Belcher and Tim Boetsch, who both came up short in big fight at UFC 155 on December 29 (Whaaaa?!). Belcher lost to Yushin Okami and Boetsch lost to Costa Philippou. I respect all my fellow fighters, and I know the agony of defeat, so heartfelt commiserations to both of these two fine, upstanding gentlemen (Look out, IT’S A TRAP!!).
Now I’ve got that obligatory fluffy stuff out of the way (YOU SEE?!), I’d like to say I’m looking forward to these two simpletons keeping their pie holes shut about me for a little while. Those two have been calling me out and talking crap for months (Right, all the talking has come from their side and their side alone. Hey Mikey, have you ever heard of a persecution complex?), and I would have got some real enjoyment beating them in the Octagon but two no-marks took that glory (Because the guy who actually fought Anderson Silva is a “no-mark.” Did we mention that this Bisping guy is a real asshole?)
Belcher lost every minute of every round in a fight so boring I was afraid my brain was going to melt and start to dribble out of my ears (Agreed. Worst fight we’ve seen since the main event of UFC 78). It was like someone detonated a nuclear bomb of boredom in the arena (HA!)– everyone in the seats around me was playing Angry Birds(As opposed to the British version of the game: “Crotchety Wenches”).
What delusions of grandeur Belcher has (Oh…God…the ironing…). This is a guy who didn’t fight for a year after giving himself career-threatening eye-strain by watching too much internet porn (We’re presuming Michael’s son was responsible for this gem), and he thinks he’s god’s gift to MMA (Again with the ironing). He even told UFC president Dana White that after he beat Okami, he’d fight me on January 19 if something happens to Belfort. This is a guy who got his arse kicked by two guys I smashed (Yoshihiro Akiyama and Jason Day) but he thinks he can not only beat me on a couple weeks’ training, but also assumed he was getting passed Okami, who is not to be underestimated (You mean the “no-mark” you referred to earlier? Yeah, don’t underestimate that guy). Anyway, now we don’t have to listen to this guy anymore. Back to the undercard, sunshine!
That really leaves myself and Chris “Sick Note” Weidman, a nice humble guy who’s got plenty to be humble about, at the top of the rankings. And as Chris retired last June (Dude, he had one injury and then his house was destroyed. For fuck’s sake, Mikey.), there’s no doubt I’m the No.1 contender to Anderson Silva’s world middleweight title.
Hit me up on Twitter @bisping, as ever, Hendo gifs are welcome (Touche, you classless bastard. Touche.).
We’d really wish we could say say that just when we thought Bipsing couldn’t be any more of an asshole, he dropped that last line AND TOTALLY REDEEMED HIMSELF. But life is not that easy. Bisping still is and will always be MMA’s — and the middleweight division’s — second greatest heel, although he seems to devote way too much time to something that has yet to even earn him an unwarranted title shot yet. But hey, he seems to dial the act back to a semi-tolerable level for his blog posts, so kudos to him for that. If only we could do the same, then maybe, just maybe, we could start to see the world through his eyes…
