All knockouts are basically the same — a fighter gets his brain turned off and then gravity takes over. But when you’ve been watching MMA as long as we have, you begin to notice patterns. So here’s a guide to nine notable sub-species of KO, ranging from frighteningly violent to kind of hilarious. Enjoy, and let us know if we’ve left out any of your favorites…
All knockouts are basically the same — a fighter gets his brain turned off and then gravity takes over. But when you’ve been watching MMA as long as we have, you begin to notice patterns. So here’s a guide to nine notable sub-species of KO, ranging from frighteningly violent to kind of hilarious. Enjoy, and let us know if we’ve left out any of your favorites…
First he didn’t, then he did, now we’re just going to have to sit and wait to see what he decides and where it will take place. I am, of course, talking about Anderson Silva and a potential rematch with new UFC middleweight champion Chris Weidman. After losing his title to Weidman on July 6 […]
First he didn’t, then he did, now we’re just going to have to sit and wait to see what he decides and where it will take place. I am, of course, talking about Anderson Silva and a potential rematch with new UFC middleweight champion Chris Weidman. After losing his title to Weidman on July 6 […]
The best pound-for-pound fighter debate has been raging ever since Chris Weidman knocked out Anderson Silva at UFC 162 on Saturday. Now one man who many count among the list, UFC light heavyweight champion Jon Jones, has proffered his opinion on this very subjective list. According to MMA Mania’s Mike Bohn (via Twitter), Jones still […]
The best pound-for-pound fighter debate has been raging ever since Chris Weidman knocked out Anderson Silva at UFC 162 on Saturday. Now one man who many count among the list, UFC light heavyweight champion Jon Jones, has proffered his opinion on this very subjective list. According to MMA Mania’s Mike Bohn (via Twitter), Jones still […]
(“It’ll never happen, ladies. Now go back to the kitchen and make me an eight-sided sandwich.” / Image via CagePotato’s Facebook page, which you should all follow immediately.)
By the CagePotato.com Staff
They were undeniable truths — until suddenly, they weren’t. Check out our latest list below, and ask yourself: What do I believe now that will turn out to be utter bullshit someday?
1. Alistair Overeem will become the UFC heavyweight champion in less than a year.
(Photo via Esther Lin/MMAFighting.com)
2. There’s no way a boxer could ever beat a mixed martial artist under MMA rules.
(“It’ll never happen, ladies. Now go back to the kitchen and make me an eight-sided sandwich.” / Image via CagePotato’s Facebook page, which you should all follow immediately.)
By the CagePotato.com Staff
They were undeniable truths — until suddenly, they weren’t. Check out our latest list below, and ask yourself: What do I believe now that will turn out to be utter bullshit someday?
1. Alistair Overeem will become the UFC heavyweight champion in less than a year.
(Photo via Esther Lin/MMAFighting.com)
2. There’s no way a boxer could ever beat a mixed martial artist under MMA rules.
As you all no doubt have heard, the International Olympic Committee has decreed that wrestling is no longer worthy of a place in the Summer Games, in order to make way for other, more lucrative events. I tell you now that this decision is the worst kind of folly, made for the worst reasons possible. I won’t rail about the corruption in the IOC, or the nepotism and naked commercialism that seems to hold sway in any of their decisions. I will point out that kicking wrestling out of the Olympics does seem rather…historically disconnected.
On the other hand, it’s possible that this is only a con from the IOC in order to drum up support (read: money) to get wrestling back into the Olympic arena where it belongs.
In any case, here is a list of ten sports that should be rightly removed from the Games, even if we weren’t talking about making room for an original Olympic event. Let’s just cut all this extra fat, and strip the Olympics down to the more raw athletic events. (And gymnastics. You have to keep gymnastics.)
The Modern Pentathlon
This was the ass-backwards event that everyone with a brain in their head assumed would get the axe, for two reasons. First, it’s an oddball series of activities based on an archaic skill set — cavalry officers still ride horses? — that is no longer relevant. Second, it’s redundant: Take this away, and athletes could still do the triathlon. Or the decathlon. Or just, you know, pick an event instead of being a scatterbrained dipshit.
Table Tennis
As you all no doubt have heard, the International Olympic Committee has decreed that wrestling is no longer worthy of a place in the Summer Games, in order to make way for other, more lucrative events. I tell you now that this decision is the worst kind of folly, made for the worst reasons possible. I won’t rail about the corruption in the IOC, or the nepotism and naked commercialism that seems to hold sway in any of their decisions. I will point out that kicking wrestling out of the Olympics does seem rather…historically disconnected.
On the other hand, it’s possible that this is only a con from the IOC in order to drum up support (read: money) to get wrestling back into the Olympic arena where it belongs.
In any case, here is a list of ten sports that should be rightly removed from the Games, even if we weren’t talking about making room for an original Olympic event. Let’s just cut all this extra fat, and strip the Olympics down to the more raw athletic events. (And gymnastics. You have to keep gymnastics.)
The Modern Pentathlon
This was the ass-backwards event that everyone with a brain in their head assumed would get the axe, for two reasons. First, it’s an oddball series of activities based on an archaic skill set — cavalry officers still ride horses? — that is no longer relevant. Second, it’s redundant: Take this away, and athletes could still do the triathlon. Or the decathlon. Or just, you know, pick an event instead of being a scatterbrained dipshit.
Table Tennis
First of all: It’s fucking ping pong. You want to get pissy because your “sport” doesn’t sound butch enough? I’m not entirely sure that “table tennis” is upping the intimidation factor, broseph. Secondly, dude, do you really need a sweatband to play? I understand that it takes laser-tuned hand-eye coordination and twitch reflexes, but you’re not fooling anyone into thinking you’re an elite athlete. It doesn’t work for pro HALO players, it won’t work for you.
Handball
This is actually an Olympic event? This is a game that is supposed to be played in the streets, across back yards, where bushes and cars are significant obstacles, with an object that need only be vaguely ball-like. I’m saying it’s a children’s game. We cannot continue to encourage these simpletons by allowing them to play soccer with their hands. They need to grow up and pick a real sport or come to terms with their own athletic failings.
Basketball
Basketball will never go away from the Olympics; I know that, it just generates too much revenue. But we already have an Olympic basketball organization, it’s called the NBA. (Stay gold, Sodak.)
Golf
The IOC looks to pick up golf in 2016, and these are the kinds of highlights you can look forward to. Joy? Look, as a game, golf should be played and not seen. Hell, most people can’t play golf without getting halfway-lit first, so that wandering around searching for a little white ball in the expanses of groomed wilderness and man-made constructs doesn’t become a depressing metaphor for their own accomplishments in life. If you actually seek out golf on television to watch, you are a boring human being, and no, I do not want to look at your coin collection.
On the next page: Field hockey, badminton, and all horse-related bullshit.
As is customary, nay tradition, around these parts, we’re hitting the eggnog early and often this week — thus, the obligatory Top 10 list to close out another year in the world of mixed martial arts. It’s not all fluff, though: Last year we predicted a champion would test positive for a banned substance and Brock Lesnar would retire. Not bad, huh? So grab a seat while we break out the crystal ball and see what 2013 has in store for us.
1.) Showtime stays in the MMA biz, will announce deal with Invicta FC and others.
MMA is just too popular to completely wash your hands of. Showtime may finally be done with Strikeforce, but that only means they’re now free to partner up with the likes of all-female Invicta FC or the World Series of Fighting, both of which could be looking for more permanent homes after their early success in 2012. Don’t let the Invicta PPV news fool you; they can’t win that battle. No matter who inks the deal, expect Showtime to counter-program at least one UFC event.
2.) A Ronda Rousey loss brings about the swift execution of women’s MMA in the UFC.
(You see, kids, this is why we don’t break the fourth rule of Project Mayhem. Photo via Complex)
As is customary, nay tradition, around these parts, we’re hitting the eggnog early and often this week — thus, the obligatory Top 10 list to close out another year in the world of mixed martial arts. It’s not all fluff, though: Last year we predicted a champion would test positive for a banned substance and Brock Lesnar would retire. Not bad, huh? So grab a seat while we break out the crystal ball and see what 2013 has in store for us.
1.) Showtime stays in the MMA biz, will announce deal with Invicta FC and others.
MMA is just too popular to completely wash your hands of. Showtime may finally be done with Strikeforce, but that only means they’re now free to partner up with the likes of all-female Invicta FC or the World Series of Fighting, both of which could be looking for more permanent homes after their early success in 2012. Don’t let the Invicta PPV news fool you; they can’t win that battle. No matter who inks the deal, expect Showtime to counter-program at least one UFC event.
2.) A Ronda Rousey loss brings about the swift execution of women’s MMA in the UFC.
After amputatingwhat’s her name in February, Rowdy will move on to calling out every woman possible who she knows cannot make 135 — especially Cyborg. In what comes as a major surprise to fight fans around the globe, Gina Carano accepts her open challenge (perfect timing to publicize her upcoming role in Fast 6) in late spring/early summer. “Conviction” TKO’s her way to victory then ships off to work on the chick version of The Expendables never to return to the cage. Dana White will be inconsolable but manages to release the handful of remaining women under Zuffa contract that don’t parade around in shorty shorts and a push-up bra.
Hear me out on this one. Just like you, the Injury Bug desperately wants to see this fight, either to see that fake-ass white boy Sonnen get savaged or to watch Jonny Bones get knocked down a peg or two. That’s right, neither Jones nor Sonnen will become injured prior to their bout on April 27th. How can I guarantee something so outlandish? Suffice it to say we have our ways of getting things done.
A man can only go so hard for so long before his body tosses in the towel. Dana White’s battle with Meniere’s Disease combined with international travel will have finally caught up with MMA’s Moses. You’ll all kick yourself for not seeing this coming sooner. First it was a missed event, then it was two. Next thing you knew, DFW was running the broadcasts from his bunker in Vegas. During the breaking interview, Ariel Helwani will shower White with tremendous praise and wish him the best in his future endeavors while trying to keep a straight face on The MMA Hour because he was briefed on the regime change months ago. Helwani nose.
5.)AnA-list celebrity tries his hand at MMA.
My sources cannot confirm, but the word on the street is that both CM Punk and Justin Bieber are looking to cash in on the MMA craze before the bubble bursts in 2014. ($%&@! I’ve said too much already.) You already know that Punk is a Gracie trained white belt, but did you know that the annoying little Bieber kid could throw down? Me either, at least not until I saw this. One guy is always one pipe bomb away from the unemployment line and the other, well… has the testosterone of Alistair Overeem at a random drug test, which means he’s constantly in a state of “Come at me, bro!” These two savvy businessmen are too smart to leave money on the table so they nut up and get in the cage. But you can bet your last dollar “Biebs” won’t be fighting when the Octagon comes rolling into the Philippines.
*Announcement scheduled for 04/01/13.
Hit the “next page” link for even more Nostradumas-like predictions that will make us look like geniuses later…
