Tag: Martial Arts Fail of the Week

Martial Arts Fail of the Week: Steven Seagal’s Russian “Masterclass” Is a Gift From Above


(Looking like a little more than a glimmer these days, eh Sensei?)

Before we get into this, the glorious return of the Martial Arts Fail of the Week, I’d like to make a couple things clear:

1.) Yes, we here at CagePotato are aware of our long, oft-vitriolic history regarding action movie star, part time police officer/school shooting survival expert, unofficial American ambassador to Russia, tax cheat, and perpetual boil on the ass of MMA, Steven Seagal. We’ve made fun of him a lot, basically — from his weight gain over the years (see above) to his rambling, hallucinatory, endlessly quotable interview snippets to that time Judo Gene made him sh*t his pants — but can you really blame us? THE MAN CLAIMS TO HAVE INVENTED THE FRONT KICK, FOR GOD’S SAKE.

2.) Despite all we’ve said about Seagal, we are not too big to overlook the man’s well-documented skills and well-earned accolades regarding said skills. He may be a literal shadow of his former self (seriously, has anyone seen him donning anything but black since, like, 2006?), but the fact remains that Seagal is one lethal sumbitch who could probably lay waste to the entire CagePotato staff without (barely) breaking a sweat.

Now that we’ve gotten all that out of the way, holy shit, you guys, you NEED to see this video of Seagal’s recent “martial arts masterclass” held in Russia.

The post Martial Arts Fail of the Week: Steven Seagal’s Russian “Masterclass” Is a Gift From Above appeared first on Cagepotato.


(Looking like a little more than a glimmer these days, eh Sensei?)

Before we get into this, the glorious return of the Martial Arts Fail of the Week, I’d like to make a couple things clear:

1.) Yes, we here at CagePotato are aware of our long, oft-vitriolic history regarding action movie star, part time police officer/school shooting survival expert, unofficial American ambassador to Russia, tax cheat, and perpetual boil on the ass of MMA, Steven Seagal. We’ve made fun of him a lot, basically — from his weight gain over the years (see above) to his rambling, hallucinatory, endlessly quotable interview snippets to that time Judo Gene made him sh*t his pants – but can you really blame us? THE MAN CLAIMS TO HAVE INVENTED THE FRONT KICK, FOR GOD’S SAKE.

2.) Despite all we’ve said about Seagal, we are not too big to overlook the man’s well-documented skills and well-earned accolades regarding said skills. He may be a literal shadow of his former self (seriously, has anyone seen him donning anything but black since, like, 2006?), but the fact remains that Seagal is one lethal sumbitch who could probably lay waste to the entire CagePotato staff without (barely) breaking a sweat.

Now that we’ve gotten all that out of the way, holy shit, you guys, you NEED to see this video of Seagal’s recent “martial arts masterclass” held in Russia.

Wow.

Woooooooooowwwwww. 

That was….insane. That was “Slap-Jitsu” levels of hilarity, with Kiai master levels of delusion thrown in for good measure. That was like, if I tried to explain the fundamental principles of aikido to someone who knew nothing about martial arts. Using origami. That I made.

I do not have any experience making origami, you guys.

God bless you, Steven Seagal. God bless you for this. For Hard to Kill and the “Anybody seen Richie?” scene in Out for Justice, but mainly for this. I’m going to add no less than 3000 views to this video’s Youtube page in the next couple of days, and if any of you Taters dare to call yourself martial arts fans, you will do the same.

The post Martial Arts Fail of the Week: Steven Seagal’s Russian “Masterclass” Is a Gift From Above appeared first on Cagepotato.

Martial Arts Fail of the Week: “Slap Jitsu” Made Us Laugh Harder Than Any Previous Martial Arts Fail Video

(We lost it at about 0:06)

This might actually be the dumbest thing we’ve ever seen on our Martial Arts Fail of the Week segment.

I know we say that a lot, but we’ve never actually laughed harder at a martial arts video. Watching a fat kid running forwards at full speed while moving his hands like he was trying to juggle the air itself had us in tears.

We couldn’t really find out a whole lot about these guys. The first time we watched the video (which was sent to us on Twitter, by the way) we actually thought it was a parody. We couldn’t believe people actually trained in this stuff and thought it was legit. Then we remembered Balinese White Magic, Ashida Kim, and Bo Fung Do. So yeah, it’s probably safe to say this isn’t some kind of parody of ridiculous martial arts videos and that the people in the video believe in what they’re doing.

We tried to figure out who these guys are. Check out the results after the jump.


(We lost it at about 0:09)

This might actually be the dumbest thing we’ve ever seen on our Martial Arts Fail of the Week segment.

I know we say that a lot, but we’ve never actually laughed harder at a martial arts video. Watching a fat kid running forwards at full speed while moving his hands like he was trying to juggle the air itself had us in tears.

We couldn’t really find out a whole lot about these guys. The first time we watched the video (which was sent to us on Twitter, by the way) we actually thought it was a parody. We couldn’t believe people actually trained in this stuff and thought it was legit. Then we remembered Balinese White Magic, Ashida Kim, and Bo Fung Do. So yeah, it’s probably safe to say this isn’t some kind of parody of ridiculous martial arts videos and that the people in the video believe in what they’re doing.

Our investigating turned up hardly any information. Another account uploaded this video and referred to it as “Russian slap fighting.” When we searched that term, it was just a bunch of other sites posting the same video. Maybe these slap fighters are a mysterious breed who can only be seen IRL by those who are worthy. Or maybe their school folded because their bullshido made students look like mimes on speed rather than bad ass action heroes. Who knows.

Anyway, enjoy the video, Potato Nation.

If you see any video that’s good (or bad) enough to make the cut, let us know! Send it to [email protected].

Martial Arts Fail of the Week: A Kung Fu Instructor With a Chuck Liddell-Level Beer Gut

Another weekend, another Martial Arts Fail of the Week.

Today we don’t have anything quite as scandalous as instructors telling you to shit yourself or claiming that defeating a wrestler is as easy as sidestepping a takedown.

Instead, we have an example of the kind of shoddy martial arts techniques being taught in dojos across the country. This is the kind of stuff Martial Arts Fail was originally started to expose: Techniques of dubious validity practiced on partners that are totally compliant. How is that kind of stuff supposed to teach a person how to fight and defend themselves?

So anyway, this week’s example is from a San Soo Kung Fu school. If you’re an MMA history buff, you’d recognize that name. UFC 2‘s Thaddeus Luster was a representative of the style (and he got dominated by a Sambo practitioner). This school in particular belongs to Bill Hulsey, the instructor in the video, who’s been running the school for 39 years.

To us, the video typifies martial arts. An old, deified “master” with a huge beer gut makes himself look like a Mortal Kombat character by beating up a compliant student.

The guy has tons more videos. Have a look at some of the highlights:

Another weekend, another Martial Arts Fail of the Week.

Today we don’t have anything quite as scandalous as instructors telling you to shit yourself or claiming that defeating a wrestler is as easy as sidestepping a takedown.

Instead, we have an example of the kind of shoddy martial arts techniques being taught in dojos across the country. This is the kind of stuff Martial Arts Fail was originally started to expose: Techniques of dubious validity practiced on partners that are totally compliant. How is that kind of stuff supposed to teach a person how to fight and defend themselves?

So anyway, this week’s example is from a San Soo Kung Fu school. If you’re an MMA history buff, you’d recognize that name. UFC 2‘s Thaddeus Luster was a representative of the style (and he got dominated by a Sambo practitioner). This school in particular belongs to Bill Hulsey, the instructor in the video, who’s been running the school for 39 years.

To us, the video typifies traditional martial arts. An old, deified “master” with a huge beer gut makes himself look like a Mortal Kombat character by beating up a compliant student.

The guy has tons more videos. Pretty much all techniques involve slapping the enemy in the balls. Have a look at some of the highlights (and by the way, thanks to Ryan R. aka “SonOfSerbia” for tipping us about this guy):

If you see any video that’s good (or bad) enough to make the cut, let us know! Send it to [email protected].

Martial Arts Fail of the Week: Smear Shit on Yourself to Prevent Rape

Rape prevention is a serious topic and a noble endeavor but the guys in this video have pretty much no clue about it.

Many of the techniques are “street” techniques that simply assume someone is going to let you eye gouge them or hit them in the balls without doing anything–like they’ll just stand there and let you do it. To quote Daniel Cormier, “Do you think I’m just gonna sit there and let you kill me?”

Anyway, these guys are basically peddling martial arts snake oil–or snake excrement. That’s right, shitting and pissing yourself is among the techniques they advocate. They also suggest rubbing shit on your arms and on your face, a Martial Arts Fail of the Week first.

Get a rundown of who these guys are (and what popular movie one of them was in) after the jump.

Rape prevention is a serious topic and a noble endeavor but the guys in this video have pretty much no clue about it.

Many of the techniques are “street” techniques that simply assume someone is going to let you eye gouge them or hit them in the balls without doing anything–like they’ll just stand there and let you do it. To quote Daniel Cormier, “Do you think I’m just gonna sit there and let you kill me?”

Anyway, these guys are basically peddling martial arts snake oil–or snake excrement. That’s right, shitting and pissing yourself is among the techniques they advocate. They also suggest rubbing shit on your arms and on your face, a Martial Arts Fail of the Week first.

The knee-jerk reaction is “You know what? That’d probably work!” Well it might if you had the time to pull your pants down, shit into your hands, and then rub it on yourself. If somebody suddenly jumps you, it’s hard to do all that. You can shit yourself, though.

These guys also claim burping and farting are legit techniques.

Oh, and “these guys” are Lou Casamassa’s Red Dragon Karate (what an original name). Lou Casamassa is a 10th degree black belt in karate and the founder of the American Karate Kung Fu Federation. He claims to have used “Yankee ingenuity” to combine the 7 greatest martial arts into his Red Dragon Karate style. Ugh.

Funnily enough, his son–Chris Casamassa–was actually Scorpion in the first Mortal Kombat movie. You know what else he was in? WMAC MASTERS! His nickname was “Red Dragon,” no doubt an homage to his father’s style. Remember WMAC Masters?

A shame Casamassa didn’t smear shit all over himself on the show. That would’ve driven ratings through the fucking roof. The ENTIRE FIRST SEASON of the show is on YouTube. We highly suggest you watch it because it’s incredibly terrible–so terrible it’s great.

By the way, thanks to Josh S. for sending us this week’s video.

If you see any video that’s good (or bad) enough to make the cut, let us know! Send it to [email protected].

Martial Arts Fail of the Week: Defeat Attackers By Staring At Them and Stop Swords With Your Mind

Another weekend means another Martial Arts Fail of the Week!

Today we have a Bullshido master who’s EVEN WORSE than the Finnish chi master who telepathically subdued his foes.

His name is Masanori Abe, and his powers are so lethal he can drop you to the canvas with just a stare! Watch the above video for proof.

This guy is also a master swordsman–and not through years of training and lightning-quick reflexes, but through magic. In the below video, watch him stop his opponent’s training swords through pure mental fortitude. Check it out after the jump.

Another weekend means another Martial Arts Fail of the Week!

Today we have a Bullshido master who’s EVEN WORSE than the Finnish chi master who telepathically subdued his foes.

His name is Masanori Abe, and his powers are so lethal he can drop you to the canvas with just a stare! Watch the above video for proof. Rumor has it he developed this technique by watching Care Bears.

This guy is also a master swordsman–and due to years of training and lightning-quick reflexes, but through magic. In the below video, watch him stop his opponent’s training swords through pure mental fortitude:

What’s his story? Well, we’re not sure. His Facebook page has been around for less than a month, and a Google search yielded nothing. All we found was the Facebook page, his YouTube videos, and other Facebook pages linking to the videos. Weird.

To borrow Brian Kilmeade’s words about Scott Morris at UFC 2, “We don’t know much about him, because he is a ninja.”

We don’t know much about Abe because he’s a mysterious chi master. He probably lives atop a mountain, and only trains those with the determination and mettle to reach the summit. By that, we mean he probably drives a truck and will teach anyone whose checks cash.

If the garbled translations Facebook offered are anything to go by, he apparently teaches at a place called Kenmochi Martial Arts Center in Kama, Japan. We Googled this and nothing appeared. Maybe only those with the heart of a pure martial artist can see the website. Who knows.

For what it’s worth, here’s a passage from their Facebook page, translation via Facebook:

To the facebook page of the Japan kenmochi martial arts center-flow military family Association Headquarters there.

Japan Kobudo preservation association and the military family Association on mental martial arts through the ancient martial arts of Japan with 1300 years of history “to bow beginning to end with general education, intended to bequeath to future generations the spirit and skills together with the sound development of the mind and body. “The aim of the Japanese Old Martial Arts Studying and Training Association is bring the body and spirit up healthy with training and studying the spirit and culture of Samurai Budo as”the a of with end and with Start a bow bow”based on the history of more than 1,300 years and to pass those spirits and arts to the future. Can tour? s introduction of recruiting”Division training and experience. ? Wed-Fri 19: 30-21: 00 Sun 13:30-17:00 ? Japan kenmochi martial arts center-flow military family of Soke Shihan Okuma Shigenobu

Yeah, not the clearest. Perhaps deciphering the Engrish is just another part of the test to determine whether you’re worthy of learning the techniques.

Keep in mind this dude’s stuff is so ridiculous he MAY be doing a parody of a Bullshido guy. Then again, there were people legitimately trying to present Balinese White Magic as the world’s greatest martial art, so you never know. We’re going to keep looking for information and see if this is a real thing or just a parody. In the mean time, check out another video of him destroying his students with the Force:

By the way, this edition comes from a tip sent by Cameron D. Thanks, Cameron!

If you see any video that’s good (or bad) enough to make the cut, let us know! Send it to [email protected].

Martial Arts Fail of the Week: Systema Instructor Takes Out a Compliant Biker Gang

It’s been a while since we’ve had a Martial Arts Fail of the Week here on CagePotato.

First we were busy crafting the 95 Theses of MMA.

Now we’re busy with another magic, top secret project that likely won’t surface for a few weeks at the very earliest. But rest assured, we have our top men working on it…Top. Men.

As a result, we haven’t really had the time to delve through YouTube’s dearth of martial arts vids and expose hilarious frauds and fails. Thankfully, a Twitter-friend (@BurritoBrosShit) tipped us off to the video we’re presenting you today: A Korean Systema instructor showing how much of a bad-ass he is by beating up compliant training partners dressed as bikers. One of them is dressed as Marty McFly from Back to the Future.

It’s been a while since we’ve had a Martial Arts Fail of the Week here on CagePotato.

First we were busy crafting the 95 Theses of MMA.

Now we’re busy with another magic, top secret project that likely won’t surface for a few weeks at the very earliest. But rest assured, we have our top men working on it…Top. Men.

As a result, we haven’t really had the time to delve through YouTube’s abundance of martial arts vids and expose hilarious frauds and fails. Thankfully, a Twitter-friend (@BurritoBrosShit) tipped us off to the video we’re presenting today: A Korean Systema instructor showing how much of a bad-ass he is by beating up compliant training partners dressed as bikers. One of them is dressed as Marty McFly from Back to the Future.

The video is complete with bullshit joint locks and the typical stuff you see fraud martial arts instructors peddle: Magic punches that incapacitate in one shot, offensive flurries that assume the enemy will make no attempt to counter and defend, and knife defenses that require the attacker to have the reaction time of a lobotomized sloth to pull off right.

This guy might not be as bad as the Balinese White Magic guys, the Bo Fung Do guys, or Ashida Kim, but he’s bad.

Oh yeah, and try the stunt he does with the motorcycle helmet without hurting your hand.

If you see any video that’s good (or bad) enough to make the cut, let us know! Send it to [email protected].