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CagePotato Tribute: The Failure to Intimidate

(Gina Carano, rising above her fears. Pic: MenVersus.com)
When signing a business contract, one must be acutely aware of the fine print. Companies often try to sneak in language and terms which may later allow them to catch the other party off guard and emerge victorious in the battle for the almighty dollar.

I’d like to think that signing a contract for an MMA bout is a bit more straightforward. You’re told upfront in no uncertain terms that the opposing party’s objective is to physically hurt you. It’s a special breed that can accept those terms and believe in themselves enough to sign on the dotted line.

Despite that rampant self-confidence—or perhaps because of it—many fighters attempt to psyche out their opponent and gain the upper-hand before the first punch has even been thrown. When successful, it makes for an easier night’s work. When it fails, the would-be intimidator is left looking foolish. The comeuppance may come in a laugh at his expense or a lop-sided asswhooping, but either way it’s a sight to behold.

Join us for a closer look at what happens when fear is not a factor in mixed martial arts.

(Gina Carano, rising above her fears. Pic: MenVersus.com)

When signing a business contract, one must be acutely aware of the fine print. Companies often try to sneak in language and terms which may later allow them to catch the other party off guard and emerge victorious in the battle for the almighty dollar.

Join us for a closer look at what happens when fear is not a factor in mixed martial arts.

Bonello’s Bark Proves Worse Than His Bite

Tony Bonello walked into his bout with Murilo Rua with an undefeated 15-0 record and a massive chip on his shoulder. With allegations of worked fights in his native Australia, Bonello was looking forward to a breakthrough performance that would put him on the map in the US scene and prove that he was more than a can crusher.

Bonello’s trash talk in the staredown was as unwarranted as it was aggressive. But tough talk can be tough to back up when directed at a seasoned product of the Chute Boxe Academy. As Bonello barked slurs in his direction, the calm, wide smile on Ninja’s face reflected great confidence in what he had planned for his foe. Though it only lasted a scant three minutes and fifteen seconds, the bout couldn’t have ended quickly enough for Bonello. “The Gun” failed to fire a single round before Rua began a violent drubbing chock-a-block with indignities such as passing the black belt’s guard, elbows from the crucifix position, full mount, and the always popular knee-on-belly/rape choke combination.

Side Seat Driver, or, What the UFC Must do to Avoid an EliteXC Style Meltdown on FOX

No matter how many times young Dana White reminded him, Gary Shaw always found himself having the same conversation.

Alright boys, we’ve finally managed to ink a possibly sport changing deal here. I know we’re all excited, but let us not forget that this opportunity to shine can quickly become a bigger disaster than The Green Lantern. I’m looking at you, HEAT, you nearly screwed us all. But this time, we’ve got the fights, my God do we got the fights, to back up all our talk. So, do we want to be winners or losers?! Do we want to change the face of MMA, or kick dirt in its eyes?! Well then, here’s how we do it!!

No matter how many times young Dana White reminded him, Gary Shaw always found himself having the same conversation.

First and foremost, neither of these men can be within seeing distance of our main event:

Not as judges, not as referees, not even as bathroom attendants should these men by any means be allowed in the building. Now Dana, I know that you complained before over your lack of influence when it comes to choosing the ref or judges for that matter, but I’m pleading to you, they have SCREWED US BEFORE. Didn’t one of them just write a book? Yeah, let’s get that guy for this one.

Secondly, we cannot play the drama card at any point during this event. It is cheap, unrealistic, and lumps us in with the likes of the WWE in the eyes of the casual audience member. No stare downs between contenders and champs, especially not immediately following the fight; this can only end in disaster. Let the fights do the talking, as we always have, because that’s where the real “drama” lies.

Speaking of the fights, can we possibly schedule more than one? We do not want to look like the American Idol of the sports world do we? If there’s one thing a crowded bar full of drunken men doesn’t want, it’s to be toyed with. And what if said fight ends in the opening minute? No offense Dana, but those screaming, profanity laced “talks” you and Joe have to kill time at the end of the free prelims aren’t jacking up your PPV sales.

Let’s be honest, except for a few select people out there, the pre fight talk is often the weakest aspect of our pay per views in general, if only because they are so damn predictable. Amidst the clichéd gladiator poses, we’re going to hear how well training has been going, how each fighter is ten times better than their last fight, and how there is absolutely a zero percent chance that either man will lose to the other. Let’s trim the fat and get on with what everyone’s tuning in for. Well, beside the interviews, we should just skip the interviews.

I know it’s early, but we are knocking on history’s doorstep here. This deal could equal validation. It could equal legalization in even the most stubborn of places. Heck, maybe even the anchors over at Sportscenter will talk about us with a tone that doesn’t reek of ignorance and condescension. And we’re lucky enough that this time it seems the people overseeing this deal having a fucking clue about how to run a business. So for now, let’s just take to our G5’s and consider how long it has taken us to get where we are.

-Danga

CagePotato.com Presents: The 2010 Potato Awards

If 2010 was a cold beer, we’d be down to the backwash. December puts all of us MMA-pundit types in a reflective mood, and this year gave us a double-crapload of big stories, insane fights, rising stars, and utter embarrassments to wrap our heads around. And so, we’d like to pay tribute to 2010 in the best way we know how — sarcasm and insults, mostly. Without further ado, here are 15 things we felt were worthy of some end-of-year recognition, Potato-style…

The Giant Silva Freak Show Award, presented each year to the match that’s made strictly for gruesome entertainment value; fighters should ideally exhibit a tremendous difference in either size or experience level.
Winner: Randy Couture vs. James Toney at UFC 118, in which a tubby boxing champ trash-talked his way into a co-headling bout against an MMA legend, and got choked out before he was able to land a single punch. This marks the first time in eleven years that the Giant Silva Award hasn’t been granted to a fight held in Japan.
Also receiving votes this year: Herschel Walker vs. Greg Nagy

The Wanderlei Silva Unintentionally Homoerotic Smack Talk Award, known as "The Wandy" is presented each year to the fighter who, when trying to hype a fight, inadvertently makes reference to having gay sex with his (or her) opponent.
Winner: Josh Koscheck, for the utterly disturbing wild-eyed, tongue-waving description above of what he was planning to do to UFC welterweight champ Georges St-Pierre during this season of The Ultimate Fighter.
Also receiving votes this year: Matt Horwich, for his cringeworthy rant about how he was going to Mike Tyson 10th Planet protagonist Renato Laranja.

The Natasha Wicks Memorial Best Female Newcomer Award, presented each year to the up-and-coming MMA ring girl — preferably blonde, as per the bylaws — who gets us to forget about Arianny Celeste and Brittney Palmer, if only for a moment.
Winner: Rhian Sugden, the stunning (and frequently-nude) star of the U.K.’s BAMMA promotion.
Also receiving votes this year: Kelli Hutcherson, Stephanie Ann Cook, Brittany Ward, Melissa Jo

Horrible Video of the Day: Projectile-Vomiting MMA Fighter

(Props: carlostlfilms via Jess Liaudin)
Hope you guys didn’t just eat breakfast. In what might be the worst viral video for Coke Zero ever recorded, the above clip shows Eder Jones celebrating a victory at a PRIME MMA event in Brazil by barfing al…

(Props: carlostlfilms via Jess Liaudin)

Hope you guys didn’t just eat breakfast. In what might be the worst viral video for Coke Zero ever recorded, the above clip shows Eder Jones celebrating a victory at a PRIME MMA event in Brazil by barfing all over the mat. The first wave at the 0:07 mark isn’t so bad, but when Jones gets his arm raised by the ref at 0:21…good God, that’s nasty. This is why you should be glad that Alessio Sakara pulled out of his fight at UFC 122. Nobody wants to see the Octagon defiled by rancid chunks of tuna.

Technique of the Week: Jonathan Ivey’s Beach-Ball Barrel Roll Against Ken Shamrock

(Props: jgreff2)
As you may recall, UFC Hall of Famer Ken Shamrock scored a rare victory over Jonathan Ivey last month at a USA MMA event in Lousiana. If you’d like to see the full 15-minute battle, the video is currently in our "Fight of the…

(Props: jgreff2)

As you may recall, UFC Hall of Famer Ken Shamrock scored a rare victory over Jonathan Ivey last month at a USA MMA event in Lousiana. If you’d like to see the full 15-minute battle, the video is currently in our "Fight of the Week" section over on the right. (Scroll down a bit. Yeah, there it is.) The above highlights package from Inside MMA saves you a lot of time by rounding up the important moments, like when Ivey knocks Shammy down, and later when he slaps his own titties and shouts at Ken to bring it on, like an enraged, diabetic Nick Diaz.

But the best moment comes right before the end of the fight when Ivey does a pair of somersaults for no apparent reason; we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say he was rolling for a kneebar, then dodged out of the way when he couldn’t catch it. Kenny Rice describes it both as a "Rerun impression" and "the dreidel defense." Oy vey, Ivey!

Bonus, after the jump: Jonathan Ivey gets beat up by "very internet savvy" UFC heavyweight Sean McCorkle, at an LFC event in May.

One-Punch Knockout of the Day: Charlie Ontiveros vs. Anonymous Terrible Fighter

(Props: swift1125 via MiddleEasy. Don’t worry, the camera flips around at the 0:20 mark.)
So, the dude in the black trunks is an 18-year-old kid by the name of Charlie Ontiveros, who picked up East Texas MMA’s highly-coveted amateur welterwei…

(Props: swift1125 via MiddleEasy. Don’t worry, the camera flips around at the 0:20 mark.)

So, the dude in the black trunks is an 18-year-old kid by the name of Charlie Ontiveros, who picked up East Texas MMA‘s highly-coveted amateur welterweight championship on October 16th by starching his hapless opponent with a single punch. As for the goofball in the camo board-shorts, well, we don’t have a name for him yet. But from the moment the fight starts, you just know something bad’s going to happen. See, it’s not enough to just "keep your hands up." You also have to keep them in the general area of your chin. Poor guy must have been out sick when they taught that lesson at his MMA gym…