Tag: War Machine

Back By Popular Demand, It’s a Fresh Batch of War Machine Prison Blogs


(WORST. ROLE MODEL. EVER.)

You’ve been clamoring for them, Potato Nation, so we figured we might as well deliver. Perhaps no man in MMA has had a more compelling uplifting interesting story than that of War Machine. The TUF 6 alum’s travels have taken him from the great bays of San Diego to the seedy underbelly of Las Vegas, and have seen him do battle with the mighty Krave club bouncers, the mightier Thrusters Club bouncers, California’s most physically fit citizens, and the country’s most upstanding adult films stars.

But, as with the tale of John Carter, which War Machine has chosen to mold his life after, adversity would not keep a good man down. To keep us entertained whilst in prison, Machine released a series of prison blogs that discussed everything from his squabbles with cellmates to his desire to fornicate with a bologna sandwich. After being released from prison last August, the fighter formerly known as John Koppenhaver proved that Floyd Mayweather was just a big pussy by scoring arguably the biggest victory of his MMA career by TKO’ing former UFC superstar Roger Huerta in the third round of their scrap just a few months later. Unfortunately for the Machine, he was informed that he would be headed back to prison to serve time for one of the various assaults he has committed over the past couple of years.

So, without further introduction, may we present you with the first group of War Machine’s prison blogs, which details both his newfound affection for Kendall Grove and his ability to travel to other dimensions while meditating. Don’t worry, more are surely to come.

Week 3

Just got back from court… We were attempting to withdraw my plea so I could take this B.S. to trial, win, and go home. Should have done that in the first fucking place and would have if I knew the judge was gonna fuck me. Funniest part about the hearing – when some glitch or something came up on their computer and made it appear as if I had something else pending, the judge said, “I wouldn’t want to SPECULATE but might be some kind of trouble he’s gotten into while in custody.” Umm… isn’t that SPECULATING right there? How about at sentencing when she SPECULATED, actually ACCUSED, me of taking steroids? LOL! Fucking Kangaroo Court! Anyway, that is that! Buckling in to do this time now. My last recourse is gonna be a request/application to do house arrest instead of this crap, that’d be a lil’ better. At least then I could make $ and eat real food. I hope all of you learn from my mistakes.


(WORST. ROLE MODEL. EVER.)

You’ve been clamoring for them, Potato Nation, so we figured we might as well deliver. Perhaps no man in MMA has had a more compelling uplifting interesting story than that of War Machine. The TUF 6 alum’s travels have taken him from the great bays of San Diego to the seedy underbelly of Las Vegas, and have seen him do battle with the mighty Krave club bouncers, the mightier Thrusters Club bouncers, California’s most physically fit citizens, and the country’s most upstanding adult films stars.

But, as with the tale of John Carter, which War Machine has chosen to mold his life after, adversity would not keep a good man down. To keep us entertained whilst in prison, Machine released a series of prison blogs that discussed everything from his squabbles with cellmates to his desire to fornicate with a bologna sandwich. After being released from prison last August, the fighter formerly known as John Koppenhaver proved that Floyd Mayweather was just a big pussy by scoring arguably the biggest victory of his MMA career by TKO’ing former UFC superstar Roger Huerta in the third round of their scrap just a few months later. Unfortunately for the Machine, he was informed that he would be headed back to prison to serve time for one of the various assaults he has committed over the past couple of years.

So, without further introduction, may we present you with the first group of War Machine’s prison blogs, which details both his newfound affection for Kendall Grove and his ability to travel to other dimensions while meditating. Don’t worry, more are surely to come.

Week 3

Just got back from court… We were attempting to withdraw my plea so I could take this B.S. to trial, win, and go home. Should have done that in the first fucking place and would have if I knew the judge was gonna fuck me. Funniest part about the hearing – when some glitch or something came up on their computer and made it appear as if I had something else pending, the judge said, “I wouldn’t want to SPECULATE but might be some kind of trouble he’s gotten into while in custody.” Umm… isn’t that SPECULATING right there? How about at sentencing when she SPECULATED, actually ACCUSED, me of taking steroids? LOL! Fucking Kangaroo Court! Anyway, that is that! Buckling in to do this time now. My last recourse is gonna be a request/application to do house arrest instead of this crap, that’d be a lil’ better. At least then I could make $ and eat real food. I hope all of you learn from my mistakes. 1) NEVER utter a single spoken word to any cop/detective/anyone about your case. 2) Take your case to TRIAL! Every time. Don’t trust the crooked system and their plea “agreement.” It’s an agreement between the D.A. and the judge, not you and the ANYONE. DA: “Hey Judge, I got a real weak case on this guy… how about I give him a plea for no jail time, and then at sentencing you just nail his ass and throw him in jail?” Judge: “Sounds good to me. How’s dinner sound Friday night? I hear the new buffet at the Rio is excellent.” LMAO! Sad, but true as a motherfucker.

So anyway, I heard my boy @kendallgrovemma lost his last fight vs. Jay Silva… pisses me off! Keep your head up tall piece of shit! I love you, I’d rather lose a fight than be in this boring spot! Eat some SPAM and pussy for me! Back to jail… Man, some people really lose their fucking minds in this place. I hear random screams in the night, random pounding on doors and walls, yelling… it’s fucked up. Being locked in solitary is no joke, and I only have a year to deal with. Could you imagine these dudes spending 10-15 years this way? Then one day, BAM, you’re free! How the fuck are they supposed to make that adjustment? If they have no family or friends, how do they get back on their feet? Where would you start? I don’t understand it at all. Like, in court they had a lady like 45 years old who is a career thief. They read off like 48 convictions, 9 times to prison, etc. etc. They just gave her another 16 months. Obviously jail ain’t working! These people go in 16 months, come out a couple years, go in 2 years, and on and on.

In jail, they don’t try and rehabilitate you, and if it isn’t an effective punishment, which clearly to some it is not, they continue doing the same shit. They need to find a better solution. Now I’m reminded of another thing that pisses me off: JAIL WORKED FOR ME, I CHANGED MY PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR, why then put me back in for old ass shit, and ruin my progress!? Fucking bullshit! That judge was a fucking idiot with some kind of fucking God Complex. Makes me sick.

Alright, as I explained last episode, the commissary here is stupid. This means that I’m not gonna be able to reply to a lot of you who write to me. I’m only allowed to spend $15/week on snacks/envelopes/soap, so I can’t even get a hold of enough stamps to write my loved ones as often as I’d like. Another bullshit thing about this jail, how can they limit the amount of letters you write? Ridiculous. And of course, people aren’t allowed to send you stamps… WHY NOT?! I’m in a bad mood today. My fucking skin is all dry and I stink! Haven’t been able to purchase deodorant or lotion yet ’cause I spend everything on their 80¢ stamps and snacks. Also pissed there’s nowhere here to do pull-ups. In S.D. I could do ‘em off my bunk, won’t work here. I’m gonna be weak as shit when I get out of here, I remember how horrible I felt last time upon release… still can’t believe I fought Huerta 3½ months later. I’m either gangster as fuck, crazy, or just plain stupid! Maybe I just refuse to let this punk ass government keep me down? Fuck the system, fuck the judge, fuck the D.A. fuck attorneys who don’t care about their clients and fuck all of you who don’t agree!

I WILL GET BACK UP.

WEEK 4

Man! There’s this one crazy obnoxious lil’ black guy in here that yells and screams for hours at a time. Periodically, he’ll stop and say, “If you want me to stop all you gotta do is give me a soup!” LMAO! Dudes actually do it and that’s the biggest problem. Shit, sometimes the cops will give him food just so he’ll shut up. They are encouraging that shit, big time. Reminds me of a time my wife and I went to Sea World and bought a lil’ tray of fish to feed the seals. There were so many seals trying, hoping you’d throw it to them. Some of them developed tricks to gain your attention and ultimately get the fish. I remember one such seal that would raise his one flipper and wave it like a hand. Sometimes he would strike wacky poses. Somehow he figured out a way to get fed while the majority of them just barked at you and stared like puppies. Anyway, I just brought it up because he just walked by my room and started begging for snacks ’cause he’s seen that I had a commissary bag next to my bed. I told that mother fucker, “Hell no!” Fuck him, I don’t even mind when he yells and screams, I actually like listening to people in here go crazy. Weird right?

I’unno, I guess it’s just a sort of entertainment. Plus, there’s this old black guy in here, 60 or so, who I like, and this lil’ idiot loud guy always talks shit to him. One day that old guy was talking to someone about the fluoride in the water, chem trails in the sky, and all the other poisons we are suffering from at the hands of the government to 1. kill us 2. leave us infertile. So anyway, I called him over that day, and now we talk when we can. We are on the same page on a lot of stuff, plus he’s smart, old, and mellow. All the young guys talk about is their crimes, drugs, and dumb shit. FUCKKK! Just got mail and I am not eligible for house arrest. Fucking irritating. Got denied because of some stupid resisting arrest charge from 2002. 10 years ago! I haven’t “resisted arrest” since. Fuck. No shortcut to good food and pussy! Man, I can’t wait until this shit is over! The only change of pace would be if I became a worker. Not sure if I want to be a SLAVE though. What’s the benefit? I don’t know, need to investigate. If I was in the kitchen, obviously extra food. Any other assignment just means less sleep & less reading. As a worker, I’d prolly be able to find somewhere to do pull-ups though, and get to see/feel the sun… Hmmm. I dunno, we shall see.

Just asked a worker at lunch if they get any extra “good time.” He says they get a month extra! I’m gonna see if it’s true and if so, I’ll apply. I’ll go ahead and be a slave if it means getting out September instead of Oct., fuck it.

You know what drives me crazy in here? There’s no clock anywhere. In S.D. there was a clock out in the dayroom on the wall, you could peek out your window and see it. I never know what time it is, drives me crazy! I know we get fed show at 4AM, 10AM, and 4PM, and that’s it. All I’ve been doing since I’ve got here is read and sleep. I’d sleep 18 hours/day if I could. I just want release day to get here ASAP. I haven’t been exercising at all. 1. I feel like shit, depression wise. 2. I’m letting some nagging injuries heal. I hurt my wrist and ankle a few weeks before the Huerta fight and they never got a chance to heal ’cause I kept training. I think the wrist deal is a small fracture, 6 weeks of rest should heal it up. Man, I’m hurting inside real bad tonight, I have so much anger, hate, pain, and confusion inside. And I’m helpless, I’m locked in this box…

I wanna talk to someone, one of my friends, I feel really alone right now. Fuck man, I never cried for shit my last year, and this time it seems I’m always mustering up all I have inside, all my strength, to stop the tears from falling. I’m just so fucking discouraged. Just when I was about to get back on my feet, I got blind-sided by this bullshit. I’m gonna get out again, no money, out of shape, skills rusted, and this time with no wife, nothing. Start from scratch again. It was hard last time, but I had support and I was strong and confident that the B.S. was over, I thought I had a clean slate and I was motivated. Right now I feel really self-destructive, my spirit is weak this time around. I have never understood the idea of “cutting.” You know those people who cut into their arms all the time? Right now I want to cut into my fucking face. I’ve been beating on it with my fists, and it helps relieve some of the pain I feel, but I really wish I could cut it.

I remember watching a documentary about @MikeTyson and listening to him describe why he got his face tattoos and him saying that he hates himself, hates to see himself. Right now, I feel that way. I fucking hate myself. That’s prolly another reason why I’m a bad husband or b/f, also why I hate receiving gifts and avoid holidays… because I fucking hate myself so much and I hate to have someone care about me. I love to care about people though, I want to die for them, those I care for. I wish I could die saving them, so then they could know how much I love them. That’s why I am the best friend – if I have one quality, it is that. Like a Spartan that prays he can die in battle, I wish I could die for those I love. I fucking hate my life. I shouldn’t be alive, I should have died at birth, but the fucking doctor saved me. I’d rather have choked to death on my umbilical cord. Technology/medicine/doctors, they made me live when I shouldn’t have, that’s why my life is fucked, why I don’t fit, I wasn’t supposed to be.

…

I feel better today, but I guess that’s how this year in jail’s gonna be, an emotional roller coaster. Part of me wants to erase what I wrote last night, it’s embarrassing to show my weaknesses, but fuck it, I won’t. And that’s what separate me from the other athletes, from other people in the spotlight, I’m not afraid to be human. I don’t want to be one way in public and another behind closed doors. I want people to be able to relate to me, to see my troubles and be able to compare themselves to me. Maybe my struggles can help someone else in a similar situation. I’m not a faker, I hate liars, hate phonies. Right now, I’m in a struggle, but I’m gonna win. I’m gonna take all of this and bottle it up, rage on it, and unleash it upon my release. Train harder, fight meaner, and let my success be a giant FUCK YOU to all the cowards that keep trying to hold me back. @BellatorMMA Season 7 Tourney can’t come soon enough.

Yes,

I will get back up.

WEEK 5

Wow, is my sleep schedule jacked up! My 1st month here, I’d stay up until 4AM (breakfast) and sleep until 4PM (dinner), only waking at 10AM for lunch real quick. Now, shit, I can’t even pin it down actually but I just woke up at breakfast and I am up! Same shit yesterday. Whatever, it really doesn’t matter, time in jail isn’t real, it’s a time warp. I remember being released after doing that 12 months in San Diego, not a week had passed, and I could hardly even remember jail. It was like it never happened and all I had was the residual memory of some dream. That being said, I think that’s one of the big reasons jail is ineffective as a punishment. I mean, it sucks while you’re in, but BAM, you get out, and it was like it never really happened. I think that’s part of some built-in defense mechanism, something installed deep into our psyche that helps us adapt to any situation, no matter how horrible. Something that helps offset reality, I’d imagine that same tool is what allows POW’s and shit the ability to cope in horrible situations. For example, my 1st 3-4 weeks here were very hard on me but one day I woke up immune, my psyche made the adjustments necessary and now I’m comfortable here. Bad food, no freedom, dirty and without pussy, but comfortable. I’m in the zone now and soon October will come and it will all have just been a dream. Has to be similar for POW’s and cancer survivors. I’ve met guys in jail who have done 16 years in the hole, straight. Got out for 6 months and BAM! are going back for another 10 years. This guy pretty much explained to me exactly what I just said. He told me he got out, and that 16 years felt like nothing, just a dream.

This all being said, our built-in survival mechanism counteracts the effectiveness of jail. The only reason it “worked” for me or others, is because I have something to lose. I didn’t “change,” I don’t believe people do, I’m the same animal. But, being that I didn’t want to lose out on my fighting career, my students, family, and friends, I made the adjustments necessary to ensure I’d not break “the law” again. For me, it was a simple matter of NOT going to bars of clubs. If you’re a 1st time reader asking, “then why are you back in?” Read “Episode 1? and discover I’m here for a very OLD offense, one that occurred before I “learned my lesson.” Anyway, if not for me having something out there, I would not have “changed,” same as 80% of the other parolees don’t change. I especially would have a problem because I, to this day, don’t believe that anything I ever did was wrong. I’m in jail, both times, simply because I’m a professional MMA fighter, and the media/judicial system wanted to make example of me.

Very funny being called a “bully” or “coward” by reporters or judges seeing as my last two “victims” were over 300 lbs. and several inches taller than me. I’d think if I were such a “bully and coward” I’d pick on little/easy guys. Not to mention that both fights were cases of self-defense. If I wasn’t a professional fighter, they’d be saying, “serves that big guy right starting a fight with a smaller fella,” but since I’m a fighter, I get punished for successfully defending myself. Now I’m a 3-time “felon”, a “bully,” and a “coward.” LMAO! Go figure. All I can say to all of that is that our country has gone soft, our laws are no longer moral, and I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. I’m gonna get out, get in shape, and smash all of my opponents. I’m going to use this reservoir of rage I’ve built up to shove it in all these hating mother fucker’s faces, just like I did last time I got out vs. Roger Huerta, but times 10!

Then, as soon as this cowardly ass government stops holding me hostage in this country, against my will (probation), I’m gone! Goodbye USA. I’m going to take myself to a country where they don’t punish men for being MEN. My children will be raised knowing the dangers posed to men by the United States, and God willing, I’ll live to see the day America FALLS. With their gigantic, irresponsible amount of national debt and with the way THEY BULLY the other countries of the world, it is only a matter of time! And at such time, the U.S. government will look around their lands for capable warriors, the same type of capable warriors that initially built America as a haven for MEN, and for FREEDOM. But they will find none! None left to defend her borders because all the good warrior genes have been either destroyed, bred out by the softness of her system, or in cases like myself. G-O-N-E. Gone to live in a real land of freedom, far far away! Fuck you politicians! Fuck you judges and DA’s! Fuck you for raping our country! Fuck you for exploiting police officers, using them to enforce your bullshit, unjust and immoral laws. It’s no different than when Hitler used the brave soldiers and cops of his country to enforce his unjust and immoral laws, NO DIFFERENT! Hitler started out with baby steps, infringing rights a lil’ here, a lil’ there, until BAM! No one knew what hit them. I can only wait and see what ultimate evil lay in wait for the future of America and all of you better mark my words because it’s coming. America can’t keep me down though because I’m not a real criminal! They may have got me for 2 years of my life, but now I’m hip to them. They fucked up in showing me their battle lines… I’m a winner with an OLD spirit, one that’s been in wars since ever since, and I will NOT make the same mistake again!

I WILL GET BACK UP.

P.S. Let me thank all of you fans that have been so kind as to write me letters, send me books or $, I appreciate it all, greatly. Sorry if I can not write everyone back like last time, this jail puts a limit to how many envelopes/stamps we can purchase/week.

Week 6

I just finished reading “Mysticism and the New Physics,” my 17th book in 6 weeks, and now I’m bored again… ugh! There was an interesting chapter about time in that book and I’ve been daydreaming about the subject a lot. In the book, they were saying that it (time) isn’t linear as we have always assumed. In other words, it isn’t past, present, and future, but actually, all occurring simultaneously, just in different dimensions or whatever. I guess this has been common knowledge to all mystics, sages, and holy men of the East forever. And now since quantum physics isn’t adding up as it “should,” Western physicists are being forced to reconsider EVERYTHING. I’ve read in other books that master meditators can access these other dimensions and literally re-live past events. Not alter them, but watch like a movie, more than that though because it’s 1st person point of view, and all their senses participate! Wow! How sick would jail be if I could do that shit!? I’d spend the next 8 months fucking @RileySteele and @AsaAkira and eating pizza! LMAO! You think that’s why all those monks dedicate their lives to living in the middle of nowhere and meditating? They’re just in a constant badass dream and prefer it to the lame real world?

Anyway, since it’s possible to “travel” to these other dimensions, then I wonder if it’s possible to just stay and take over your past self? Fuck it, just leave your present self on auto-pilot. If you think about it that’d be a fountain of youth in a sense. I’d go back to 8th grade right now! Why that age? ‘Cause that’s when all the cool shit starts to happen and when your actions start to count in the long run. Imagine what I’d do to those poor girls my second time around… haha! In all seriousness, imagine how badass of a me I could create. MMA wise, $$ wise, education wise, all of it! Imagine all the people that I could help too.

My best friend in 8th grade, Matt Katz, just died a couple years ago from an oxycontin OD, maybe I could have prevented that? There are definitely a few girls I would have been nicer to, I was a dick to chicks in H.S. and stuff. I know for one thing, if I could go back I’d be nicer to my brother and sister. I was never a bully growing up and easily could have been, but my brother and sister were the exception. I was the devil to them. I’d change that and regret it a lot to this day. All that time I spent breaking them down could have been used to build them up. Shit, maybe my brother and I could have been like the Diaz brothers, that’d be sick. We had a shitty home life with my dad dying and my mother being a drug addict, but it could have been much better if we had stuck together. So let this be a lesson to all of you youngsters out there, be there for your siblings. All of you youngsters need to believe us “adults” when we say, “There’s no rush to grow up, enjoy your youth, ’cause when you get older you’ll miss it.” Shit, I know that I never believed that shit! What a mistake… And I know that I am not alone in that.

Please all you young, stubborn, know-it-all assholes: Enjoy and take advantage of your youth! One more main piece of advice, learn languages, as many as possible! That is the most important way to educate yourself, more than college, more than anything else. Being able to provide that bridge to another culture will bring in way more $ and opportunities than some B.S. degree. Plus, you’ll get mad extra pussy! LOL! Nothing worse than being in a country of fine girls and you can’t even speak to them! That simple fact right there is probably what keeps whore houses alive, right there! LOL!

Anyway, I sat in bed forever last night trying to will myself into another dimension, shit didn’t work. =( I remember, in Season 1, my boy David Lee sent me a book on lucid dreaming, and after much practice, I had a few. For those of you in the dark, that is when you’re dreaming, and then realize it, and take over and do whatever you want! It’s as good as real life, maybe better. You see, your brain doesn’t know what is “real” or what is imagined, same way people can bust nuts in “wet dreams.” I mean, no one touched your weiner in “real life” but the end results proves it must not matter! LOL! Now I’m getting fired up! I need to do my daily exercises again so I can have more of those lucid dreams. Shit, I wonder how long it takes to become a monk? Might be a good retirement plan, spend your last years in dream land. Man! I should have smuggled like 200 Ambiens up my butt and just slept this entire year! Sleeping is the only way to escape from jail and not get in trouble.

(New Day)

The Vegas cops/jail are super shady! A couple of cops had to wrestle a guy down in our module just now. No biggie, but then when that happens they announce “code red,” and madd cops come running in. To assist, yes, but mostly to yell at all of us inmates to, “Get away from your doors! Don’t look! Sit on your beds!” etc. Basically, they forbid us from watching and threaten us with being tazed if we do! Understand this, we are locked in our cells, can’t get out, impossible. But they will unlock our door and shoot us with a tazer if we watch? Basically, what’s really going on is that they are PREVENTING WITNESSES in the event that an officer does something fucked up, like beat on a handcuffed man! Crazy, they weren’t even that shady in Cali. That is a very dangerous thing and I don’t know how they can punish you for simply observing? Someone that is doing something textbook/kosher/legal, should not have a care in the world as to who watches! Just one more example of why I can not and will never respect our crooked ass system or the cops! BTW, whoever got me the book “Way of the Peaceful Warrior,” thanks! Great book, everyone should read it.

I will get back up.

–J. Jones

Back By Popular Demand, It’s a Fresh Batch of War Machine Prison Blogs


(WORST. ROLE MODEL. EVER.)

You’ve been clamoring for them, Potato Nation, so we figured we might as well deliver. Perhaps no man in MMA has had a more compelling uplifting interesting story than that of War Machine. The TUF 6 alum’s travels have taken him from the great bays of San Diego to the seedy underbelly of Las Vegas, and have seen him do battle with the mighty Krave club bouncers, the mightier Thrusters Club bouncers, California’s most physically fit citizens, and the country’s most upstanding adult films stars.

But, as with the tale of John Carter, which War Machine has chosen to mold his life after, adversity would not keep a good man down. To keep us entertained whilst in prison, Machine released a series of prison blogs that discussed everything from his squabbles with cellmates to his desire to fornicate with a bologna sandwich. After being released from prison last August, the fighter formerly known as John Koppenhaver proved that Floyd Mayweather was just a big pussy by scoring arguably the biggest victory of his MMA career by TKO’ing former UFC superstar Roger Huerta in the third round of their scrap just a few months later. Unfortunately for the Machine, he was informed that he would be headed back to prison to serve time for one of the various assaults he has committed over the past couple of years.

So, without further introduction, may we present you with the first group of War Machine’s prison blogs, which details both his newfound affection for Kendall Grove and his ability to travel to other dimensions while meditating. Don’t worry, more are surely to come.

Week 3

Just got back from court… We were attempting to withdraw my plea so I could take this B.S. to trial, win, and go home. Should have done that in the first fucking place and would have if I knew the judge was gonna fuck me. Funniest part about the hearing – when some glitch or something came up on their computer and made it appear as if I had something else pending, the judge said, “I wouldn’t want to SPECULATE but might be some kind of trouble he’s gotten into while in custody.” Umm… isn’t that SPECULATING right there? How about at sentencing when she SPECULATED, actually ACCUSED, me of taking steroids? LOL! Fucking Kangaroo Court! Anyway, that is that! Buckling in to do this time now. My last recourse is gonna be a request/application to do house arrest instead of this crap, that’d be a lil’ better. At least then I could make $ and eat real food. I hope all of you learn from my mistakes.


(WORST. ROLE MODEL. EVER.)

You’ve been clamoring for them, Potato Nation, so we figured we might as well deliver. Perhaps no man in MMA has had a more compelling uplifting interesting story than that of War Machine. The TUF 6 alum’s travels have taken him from the great bays of San Diego to the seedy underbelly of Las Vegas, and have seen him do battle with the mighty Krave club bouncers, the mightier Thrusters Club bouncers, California’s most physically fit citizens, and the country’s most upstanding adult films stars.

But, as with the tale of John Carter, which War Machine has chosen to mold his life after, adversity would not keep a good man down. To keep us entertained whilst in prison, Machine released a series of prison blogs that discussed everything from his squabbles with cellmates to his desire to fornicate with a bologna sandwich. After being released from prison last August, the fighter formerly known as John Koppenhaver proved that Floyd Mayweather was just a big pussy by scoring arguably the biggest victory of his MMA career by TKO’ing former UFC superstar Roger Huerta in the third round of their scrap just a few months later. Unfortunately for the Machine, he was informed that he would be headed back to prison to serve time for one of the various assaults he has committed over the past couple of years.

So, without further introduction, may we present you with the first group of War Machine’s prison blogs, which details both his newfound affection for Kendall Grove and his ability to travel to other dimensions while meditating. Don’t worry, more are surely to come.

Week 3

Just got back from court… We were attempting to withdraw my plea so I could take this B.S. to trial, win, and go home. Should have done that in the first fucking place and would have if I knew the judge was gonna fuck me. Funniest part about the hearing – when some glitch or something came up on their computer and made it appear as if I had something else pending, the judge said, “I wouldn’t want to SPECULATE but might be some kind of trouble he’s gotten into while in custody.” Umm… isn’t that SPECULATING right there? How about at sentencing when she SPECULATED, actually ACCUSED, me of taking steroids? LOL! Fucking Kangaroo Court! Anyway, that is that! Buckling in to do this time now. My last recourse is gonna be a request/application to do house arrest instead of this crap, that’d be a lil’ better. At least then I could make $ and eat real food. I hope all of you learn from my mistakes. 1) NEVER utter a single spoken word to any cop/detective/anyone about your case. 2) Take your case to TRIAL! Every time. Don’t trust the crooked system and their plea “agreement.” It’s an agreement between the D.A. and the judge, not you and the ANYONE. DA: “Hey Judge, I got a real weak case on this guy… how about I give him a plea for no jail time, and then at sentencing you just nail his ass and throw him in jail?” Judge: “Sounds good to me. How’s dinner sound Friday night? I hear the new buffet at the Rio is excellent.” LMAO! Sad, but true as a motherfucker.

So anyway, I heard my boy @kendallgrovemma lost his last fight vs. Jay Silva… pisses me off! Keep your head up tall piece of shit! I love you, I’d rather lose a fight than be in this boring spot! Eat some SPAM and pussy for me! Back to jail… Man, some people really lose their fucking minds in this place. I hear random screams in the night, random pounding on doors and walls, yelling… it’s fucked up. Being locked in solitary is no joke, and I only have a year to deal with. Could you imagine these dudes spending 10-15 years this way? Then one day, BAM, you’re free! How the fuck are they supposed to make that adjustment? If they have no family or friends, how do they get back on their feet? Where would you start? I don’t understand it at all. Like, in court they had a lady like 45 years old who is a career thief. They read off like 48 convictions, 9 times to prison, etc. etc. They just gave her another 16 months. Obviously jail ain’t working! These people go in 16 months, come out a couple years, go in 2 years, and on and on.

In jail, they don’t try and rehabilitate you, and if it isn’t an effective punishment, which clearly to some it is not, they continue doing the same shit. They need to find a better solution. Now I’m reminded of another thing that pisses me off: JAIL WORKED FOR ME, I CHANGED MY PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR, why then put me back in for old ass shit, and ruin my progress!? Fucking bullshit! That judge was a fucking idiot with some kind of fucking God Complex. Makes me sick.

Alright, as I explained last episode, the commissary here is stupid. This means that I’m not gonna be able to reply to a lot of you who write to me. I’m only allowed to spend $15/week on snacks/envelopes/soap, so I can’t even get a hold of enough stamps to write my loved ones as often as I’d like. Another bullshit thing about this jail, how can they limit the amount of letters you write? Ridiculous. And of course, people aren’t allowed to send you stamps… WHY NOT?! I’m in a bad mood today. My fucking skin is all dry and I stink! Haven’t been able to purchase deodorant or lotion yet ’cause I spend everything on their 80¢ stamps and snacks. Also pissed there’s nowhere here to do pull-ups. In S.D. I could do ‘em off my bunk, won’t work here. I’m gonna be weak as shit when I get out of here, I remember how horrible I felt last time upon release… still can’t believe I fought Huerta 3½ months later. I’m either gangster as fuck, crazy, or just plain stupid! Maybe I just refuse to let this punk ass government keep me down? Fuck the system, fuck the judge, fuck the D.A. fuck attorneys who don’t care about their clients and fuck all of you who don’t agree!

I WILL GET BACK UP.

WEEK 4

Man! There’s this one crazy obnoxious lil’ black guy in here that yells and screams for hours at a time. Periodically, he’ll stop and say, “If you want me to stop all you gotta do is give me a soup!” LMAO! Dudes actually do it and that’s the biggest problem. Shit, sometimes the cops will give him food just so he’ll shut up. They are encouraging that shit, big time. Reminds me of a time my wife and I went to Sea World and bought a lil’ tray of fish to feed the seals. There were so many seals trying, hoping you’d throw it to them. Some of them developed tricks to gain your attention and ultimately get the fish. I remember one such seal that would raise his one flipper and wave it like a hand. Sometimes he would strike wacky poses. Somehow he figured out a way to get fed while the majority of them just barked at you and stared like puppies. Anyway, I just brought it up because he just walked by my room and started begging for snacks ’cause he’s seen that I had a commissary bag next to my bed. I told that mother fucker, “Hell no!” Fuck him, I don’t even mind when he yells and screams, I actually like listening to people in here go crazy. Weird right?

I’unno, I guess it’s just a sort of entertainment. Plus, there’s this old black guy in here, 60 or so, who I like, and this lil’ idiot loud guy always talks shit to him. One day that old guy was talking to someone about the fluoride in the water, chem trails in the sky, and all the other poisons we are suffering from at the hands of the government to 1. kill us 2. leave us infertile. So anyway, I called him over that day, and now we talk when we can. We are on the same page on a lot of stuff, plus he’s smart, old, and mellow. All the young guys talk about is their crimes, drugs, and dumb shit. FUCKKK! Just got mail and I am not eligible for house arrest. Fucking irritating. Got denied because of some stupid resisting arrest charge from 2002. 10 years ago! I haven’t “resisted arrest” since. Fuck. No shortcut to good food and pussy! Man, I can’t wait until this shit is over! The only change of pace would be if I became a worker. Not sure if I want to be a SLAVE though. What’s the benefit? I don’t know, need to investigate. If I was in the kitchen, obviously extra food. Any other assignment just means less sleep & less reading. As a worker, I’d prolly be able to find somewhere to do pull-ups though, and get to see/feel the sun… Hmmm. I dunno, we shall see.

Just asked a worker at lunch if they get any extra “good time.” He says they get a month extra! I’m gonna see if it’s true and if so, I’ll apply. I’ll go ahead and be a slave if it means getting out September instead of Oct., fuck it.

You know what drives me crazy in here? There’s no clock anywhere. In S.D. there was a clock out in the dayroom on the wall, you could peek out your window and see it. I never know what time it is, drives me crazy! I know we get fed show at 4AM, 10AM, and 4PM, and that’s it. All I’ve been doing since I’ve got here is read and sleep. I’d sleep 18 hours/day if I could. I just want release day to get here ASAP. I haven’t been exercising at all. 1. I feel like shit, depression wise. 2. I’m letting some nagging injuries heal. I hurt my wrist and ankle a few weeks before the Huerta fight and they never got a chance to heal ’cause I kept training. I think the wrist deal is a small fracture, 6 weeks of rest should heal it up. Man, I’m hurting inside real bad tonight, I have so much anger, hate, pain, and confusion inside. And I’m helpless, I’m locked in this box…

I wanna talk to someone, one of my friends, I feel really alone right now. Fuck man, I never cried for shit my last year, and this time it seems I’m always mustering up all I have inside, all my strength, to stop the tears from falling. I’m just so fucking discouraged. Just when I was about to get back on my feet, I got blind-sided by this bullshit. I’m gonna get out again, no money, out of shape, skills rusted, and this time with no wife, nothing. Start from scratch again. It was hard last time, but I had support and I was strong and confident that the B.S. was over, I thought I had a clean slate and I was motivated. Right now I feel really self-destructive, my spirit is weak this time around. I have never understood the idea of “cutting.” You know those people who cut into their arms all the time? Right now I want to cut into my fucking face. I’ve been beating on it with my fists, and it helps relieve some of the pain I feel, but I really wish I could cut it.

I remember watching a documentary about @MikeTyson and listening to him describe why he got his face tattoos and him saying that he hates himself, hates to see himself. Right now, I feel that way. I fucking hate myself. That’s prolly another reason why I’m a bad husband or b/f, also why I hate receiving gifts and avoid holidays… because I fucking hate myself so much and I hate to have someone care about me. I love to care about people though, I want to die for them, those I care for. I wish I could die saving them, so then they could know how much I love them. That’s why I am the best friend – if I have one quality, it is that. Like a Spartan that prays he can die in battle, I wish I could die for those I love. I fucking hate my life. I shouldn’t be alive, I should have died at birth, but the fucking doctor saved me. I’d rather have choked to death on my umbilical cord. Technology/medicine/doctors, they made me live when I shouldn’t have, that’s why my life is fucked, why I don’t fit, I wasn’t supposed to be.

…

I feel better today, but I guess that’s how this year in jail’s gonna be, an emotional roller coaster. Part of me wants to erase what I wrote last night, it’s embarrassing to show my weaknesses, but fuck it, I won’t. And that’s what separate me from the other athletes, from other people in the spotlight, I’m not afraid to be human. I don’t want to be one way in public and another behind closed doors. I want people to be able to relate to me, to see my troubles and be able to compare themselves to me. Maybe my struggles can help someone else in a similar situation. I’m not a faker, I hate liars, hate phonies. Right now, I’m in a struggle, but I’m gonna win. I’m gonna take all of this and bottle it up, rage on it, and unleash it upon my release. Train harder, fight meaner, and let my success be a giant FUCK YOU to all the cowards that keep trying to hold me back. @BellatorMMA Season 7 Tourney can’t come soon enough.

Yes,

I will get back up.

WEEK 5

Wow, is my sleep schedule jacked up! My 1st month here, I’d stay up until 4AM (breakfast) and sleep until 4PM (dinner), only waking at 10AM for lunch real quick. Now, shit, I can’t even pin it down actually but I just woke up at breakfast and I am up! Same shit yesterday. Whatever, it really doesn’t matter, time in jail isn’t real, it’s a time warp. I remember being released after doing that 12 months in San Diego, not a week had passed, and I could hardly even remember jail. It was like it never happened and all I had was the residual memory of some dream. That being said, I think that’s one of the big reasons jail is ineffective as a punishment. I mean, it sucks while you’re in, but BAM, you get out, and it was like it never really happened. I think that’s part of some built-in defense mechanism, something installed deep into our psyche that helps us adapt to any situation, no matter how horrible. Something that helps offset reality, I’d imagine that same tool is what allows POW’s and shit the ability to cope in horrible situations. For example, my 1st 3-4 weeks here were very hard on me but one day I woke up immune, my psyche made the adjustments necessary and now I’m comfortable here. Bad food, no freedom, dirty and without pussy, but comfortable. I’m in the zone now and soon October will come and it will all have just been a dream. Has to be similar for POW’s and cancer survivors. I’ve met guys in jail who have done 16 years in the hole, straight. Got out for 6 months and BAM! are going back for another 10 years. This guy pretty much explained to me exactly what I just said. He told me he got out, and that 16 years felt like nothing, just a dream.

This all being said, our built-in survival mechanism counteracts the effectiveness of jail. The only reason it “worked” for me or others, is because I have something to lose. I didn’t “change,” I don’t believe people do, I’m the same animal. But, being that I didn’t want to lose out on my fighting career, my students, family, and friends, I made the adjustments necessary to ensure I’d not break “the law” again. For me, it was a simple matter of NOT going to bars of clubs. If you’re a 1st time reader asking, “then why are you back in?” Read “Episode 1? and discover I’m here for a very OLD offense, one that occurred before I “learned my lesson.” Anyway, if not for me having something out there, I would not have “changed,” same as 80% of the other parolees don’t change. I especially would have a problem because I, to this day, don’t believe that anything I ever did was wrong. I’m in jail, both times, simply because I’m a professional MMA fighter, and the media/judicial system wanted to make example of me.

Very funny being called a “bully” or “coward” by reporters or judges seeing as my last two “victims” were over 300 lbs. and several inches taller than me. I’d think if I were such a “bully and coward” I’d pick on little/easy guys. Not to mention that both fights were cases of self-defense. If I wasn’t a professional fighter, they’d be saying, “serves that big guy right starting a fight with a smaller fella,” but since I’m a fighter, I get punished for successfully defending myself. Now I’m a 3-time “felon”, a “bully,” and a “coward.” LMAO! Go figure. All I can say to all of that is that our country has gone soft, our laws are no longer moral, and I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. I’m gonna get out, get in shape, and smash all of my opponents. I’m going to use this reservoir of rage I’ve built up to shove it in all these hating mother fucker’s faces, just like I did last time I got out vs. Roger Huerta, but times 10!

Then, as soon as this cowardly ass government stops holding me hostage in this country, against my will (probation), I’m gone! Goodbye USA. I’m going to take myself to a country where they don’t punish men for being MEN. My children will be raised knowing the dangers posed to men by the United States, and God willing, I’ll live to see the day America FALLS. With their gigantic, irresponsible amount of national debt and with the way THEY BULLY the other countries of the world, it is only a matter of time! And at such time, the U.S. government will look around their lands for capable warriors, the same type of capable warriors that initially built America as a haven for MEN, and for FREEDOM. But they will find none! None left to defend her borders because all the good warrior genes have been either destroyed, bred out by the softness of her system, or in cases like myself. G-O-N-E. Gone to live in a real land of freedom, far far away! Fuck you politicians! Fuck you judges and DA’s! Fuck you for raping our country! Fuck you for exploiting police officers, using them to enforce your bullshit, unjust and immoral laws. It’s no different than when Hitler used the brave soldiers and cops of his country to enforce his unjust and immoral laws, NO DIFFERENT! Hitler started out with baby steps, infringing rights a lil’ here, a lil’ there, until BAM! No one knew what hit them. I can only wait and see what ultimate evil lay in wait for the future of America and all of you better mark my words because it’s coming. America can’t keep me down though because I’m not a real criminal! They may have got me for 2 years of my life, but now I’m hip to them. They fucked up in showing me their battle lines… I’m a winner with an OLD spirit, one that’s been in wars since ever since, and I will NOT make the same mistake again!

I WILL GET BACK UP.

P.S. Let me thank all of you fans that have been so kind as to write me letters, send me books or $, I appreciate it all, greatly. Sorry if I can not write everyone back like last time, this jail puts a limit to how many envelopes/stamps we can purchase/week.

Week 6

I just finished reading “Mysticism and the New Physics,” my 17th book in 6 weeks, and now I’m bored again… ugh! There was an interesting chapter about time in that book and I’ve been daydreaming about the subject a lot. In the book, they were saying that it (time) isn’t linear as we have always assumed. In other words, it isn’t past, present, and future, but actually, all occurring simultaneously, just in different dimensions or whatever. I guess this has been common knowledge to all mystics, sages, and holy men of the East forever. And now since quantum physics isn’t adding up as it “should,” Western physicists are being forced to reconsider EVERYTHING. I’ve read in other books that master meditators can access these other dimensions and literally re-live past events. Not alter them, but watch like a movie, more than that though because it’s 1st person point of view, and all their senses participate! Wow! How sick would jail be if I could do that shit!? I’d spend the next 8 months fucking @RileySteele and @AsaAkira and eating pizza! LMAO! You think that’s why all those monks dedicate their lives to living in the middle of nowhere and meditating? They’re just in a constant badass dream and prefer it to the lame real world?

Anyway, since it’s possible to “travel” to these other dimensions, then I wonder if it’s possible to just stay and take over your past self? Fuck it, just leave your present self on auto-pilot. If you think about it that’d be a fountain of youth in a sense. I’d go back to 8th grade right now! Why that age? ‘Cause that’s when all the cool shit starts to happen and when your actions start to count in the long run. Imagine what I’d do to those poor girls my second time around… haha! In all seriousness, imagine how badass of a me I could create. MMA wise, $$ wise, education wise, all of it! Imagine all the people that I could help too.

My best friend in 8th grade, Matt Katz, just died a couple years ago from an oxycontin OD, maybe I could have prevented that? There are definitely a few girls I would have been nicer to, I was a dick to chicks in H.S. and stuff. I know for one thing, if I could go back I’d be nicer to my brother and sister. I was never a bully growing up and easily could have been, but my brother and sister were the exception. I was the devil to them. I’d change that and regret it a lot to this day. All that time I spent breaking them down could have been used to build them up. Shit, maybe my brother and I could have been like the Diaz brothers, that’d be sick. We had a shitty home life with my dad dying and my mother being a drug addict, but it could have been much better if we had stuck together. So let this be a lesson to all of you youngsters out there, be there for your siblings. All of you youngsters need to believe us “adults” when we say, “There’s no rush to grow up, enjoy your youth, ’cause when you get older you’ll miss it.” Shit, I know that I never believed that shit! What a mistake… And I know that I am not alone in that.

Please all you young, stubborn, know-it-all assholes: Enjoy and take advantage of your youth! One more main piece of advice, learn languages, as many as possible! That is the most important way to educate yourself, more than college, more than anything else. Being able to provide that bridge to another culture will bring in way more $ and opportunities than some B.S. degree. Plus, you’ll get mad extra pussy! LOL! Nothing worse than being in a country of fine girls and you can’t even speak to them! That simple fact right there is probably what keeps whore houses alive, right there! LOL!

Anyway, I sat in bed forever last night trying to will myself into another dimension, shit didn’t work. =( I remember, in Season 1, my boy David Lee sent me a book on lucid dreaming, and after much practice, I had a few. For those of you in the dark, that is when you’re dreaming, and then realize it, and take over and do whatever you want! It’s as good as real life, maybe better. You see, your brain doesn’t know what is “real” or what is imagined, same way people can bust nuts in “wet dreams.” I mean, no one touched your weiner in “real life” but the end results proves it must not matter! LOL! Now I’m getting fired up! I need to do my daily exercises again so I can have more of those lucid dreams. Shit, I wonder how long it takes to become a monk? Might be a good retirement plan, spend your last years in dream land. Man! I should have smuggled like 200 Ambiens up my butt and just slept this entire year! Sleeping is the only way to escape from jail and not get in trouble.

(New Day)

The Vegas cops/jail are super shady! A couple of cops had to wrestle a guy down in our module just now. No biggie, but then when that happens they announce “code red,” and madd cops come running in. To assist, yes, but mostly to yell at all of us inmates to, “Get away from your doors! Don’t look! Sit on your beds!” etc. Basically, they forbid us from watching and threaten us with being tazed if we do! Understand this, we are locked in our cells, can’t get out, impossible. But they will unlock our door and shoot us with a tazer if we watch? Basically, what’s really going on is that they are PREVENTING WITNESSES in the event that an officer does something fucked up, like beat on a handcuffed man! Crazy, they weren’t even that shady in Cali. That is a very dangerous thing and I don’t know how they can punish you for simply observing? Someone that is doing something textbook/kosher/legal, should not have a care in the world as to who watches! Just one more example of why I can not and will never respect our crooked ass system or the cops! BTW, whoever got me the book “Way of the Peaceful Warrior,” thanks! Great book, everyone should read it.

I will get back up.

–J. Jones

[VIDEO] – War Machine’s Final 48 Hours of Freedom


(Well, at least the guy knows how to go out in style.) 

After a year long prison sentence training camp helped propel John Koppenhaver War Machine to a brilliant third round TKO over Roger Huerta last November, it saddened the world to find out that the former UFC fighter, TUF 6 star, and short lived pornstar would headed back to jail for another year, despite already being released some 8 months ago.

The unfortunate announcement came shortly after War Machine snagged a place in Bellator’s season 6 welterweight tournament, and appeared to be at least attempting to turn his life around. Needless to say, War Machine was pissed.

And now that War Machine’s days are truly numbered, he decided to sit down with MMA Uncensored Live for a lengthy interview, which will air this Thursday at 11 p.m. on Spike TV.

Check out a video preview of the interview after the jump.


(Well, at least the guy knows how to go out in style.) 

After a year long prison sentence training camp helped propel John Koppenhaver War Machine to a brilliant third round TKO over Roger Huerta last November, it saddened the world to find out that the former UFC fighter, TUF 6 star, and short lived pornstar would headed back to jail for another year, despite already being released some 8 months ago.

The unfortunate announcement came shortly after War Machine snagged a place in Bellator’s season 6 welterweight tournament, and appeared to be at least attempting to turn his life around. Needless to say, War Machine was pissed.

And now that War Machine’s days are truly numbered, he decided to sit down with MMA Uncensored Live for a lengthy interview, which will air this Thursday at 11 p.m. on Spike TV.

Check out a video preview of the interview below.

A few highlights:

“There’s fight or flight. My nature is to fight, you know, I don’t flight.”  [If we’ve preached one thing to you, War Machine, it’s proper grammar and syntax. Come on man!] 

“I’m a professional fighter, but I’m still a human.” [True. Your name, however, states otherwise.] 

“I’m not a monster.” [Again, the name.]

“Every time I’ve ever been in trouble, to be honest, I still think I did the right thing, every time. [We feel you there.] 

-J. Jones

[VIDEO] – War Machine’s Final 48 Hours of Freedom


(Well, at least the guy knows how to go out in style.) 

After a year long prison sentence training camp helped propel John Koppenhaver War Machine to a brilliant third round TKO over Roger Huerta last November, it saddened the world to find out that the former UFC Fighter, TUF 6 star, and short lived pornstar would headed back to jail for another year, despite already being released some 8 months ago.

The unfortunate announcement came shortly after War Machine had snagged a place in Bellator’s season 6 welterweight tournament. Needless to say, War Machine was pissed.

And now that War Machine’s days are truly numbered, he decided to sit down with MMA Uncensored Live for a lengthy interview, which will air this Thursday at 11 p.m. on Spike TV.

Check out a video preview of the interview after the jump.


(Well, at least the guy knows how to go out in style.) 

After a year long prison sentence training camp helped propel John Koppenhaver War Machine to a brilliant third round TKO over Roger Huerta last November, it saddened the world to find out that the former UFC Fighter, TUF 6 star, and short lived pornstar would headed back to jail for another year, despite already being released some 8 months ago.

The unfortunate announcement came shortly after War Machine had snagged a place in Bellator’s season 6 welterweight tournament. Needless to say, War Machine was pissed.

And now that War Machine’s days are truly numbered, he decided to sit down with MMA Uncensored Live for a lengthy interview, which will air this Thursday at 11 p.m. on Spike TV.

Check out a video preview of the interview below.

A few highlights:

“There’s fight or flight. My nature is to fight, you know, I don’t flight.”  [If we’ve preached one thing to you, War Machine, it’s proper grammar and syntax. Come on man!] 

“I’m a professional fighter, but I’m still a human.” [True. But your name, however, states otherwise.] 

“I’m not a monster.” [Again, the name.]

“Every time I’ve ever been in trouble, to be honest, I still think I did the right thing, every time. [We feel you there.] 

-J. Jones

Eight MMA Fighters Who Have Done Porn


(Jenna Haze: Pound-for-pound G.O.A.T.)

Yes, friends and neighbors, there’s a fighter on the upcoming season of The Ultimate Fighter who has done porn — and not the normal kind, either. Since it’s a slow news week, this TUF 15 sub-plot has blown up to monumental proportions on MMA forums, but let’s put this in perspective: Dakota Cochrane isn’t the first MMA fighter to pick up some extra cash by appearing in adult films, and he probably won’t be the last. Send the kids out of the room, and follow us on a journey through the porn/MMA continuum…


(Jenna Haze: Pound-for-pound G.O.A.T.)

Yes, friends and neighbors, there’s a fighter on the upcoming season of The Ultimate Fighter who has done porn — and not the normal kind, either. Since it’s a slow news week, this TUF 15 sub-plot has blown up to monumental proportions on MMA forums, but let’s put this in perspective: Dakota Cochrane isn’t the first MMA fighter to pick up some extra cash by appearing in adult films, and he probably won’t be the last. Send the kids out of the room, and follow us on a journey through the porn/MMA continuum…

WAR MACHINE

Sometime between his first Bellator firing and his first prison stint, TUF 6 veteran War Machine (f.k.a. Jon Koppenhaver) decided to transition into the porn game. So, he got his asshole waxed, and made a few flicks with such starlets as Riley Steele and Briana Blair. Sadly, he was 86′d from the industry after he beat up several guests at a porn star’s birthday party, just a month into his new career.

AARON BRINK


Maybe the most successful MMA fighter-turned-porn actor, UFC veteran Aaron Brink has been performing as “Dick Delaware” since 2003. Though a meth addiction temporarily threw his life into chaos, Brink entered rehab to clean himself up. Last year, he played the role of Electro in Spider-Man XXX: A Porn Parody and went 2-2 in the cage.

KIMBO SLICE

Alright, so Kimbo is only here on a technicality. As a former bodyguard for the “Reality Kings” porn production crew, Slice appeared as a featured extra in several of their XXX videos, though never performed himself. For further viewing, here’s Kimbo lurking in the background during a totally legitimate “Money Talks” negotiation (SFW), and here’s Kimbo balancing a glass of champagne in a girl’s ass at the club (NSFW).

DAKOTA COCHRANE

Here’s the story: Before he became an MMA fighter and TUF 15 hopeful, Dakota Cochrane was a college student at the University of Nebraska-Kearney who earned about $80,000 as a gay-for-pay performer in some dude-on-dude porn flicks. Cochrane, who identifies himself as heterosexual, described the situation to MMAFighting: ”It’s definitely a decision I regret. If I would have known what would happen I definitely wouldn’t have done it. But I had money issues and I needed help. I went there to do pictures, and they started throwing pretty high numbers in front of me. I didn’t really think. It was a big mistake…I let [the UFC] know right away so it wasn’t anything that could come back and bite them in the butt. I think maybe they respected that a little bit. I think some people judge against it, some people will be OK with it. Some people will want me to get my butt kicked, and hopefully others will respect what I’m trying to do…People can be shocked, and people can say whatever they need to say, and then we can move on.”

Hit the “next page” button to see the last four. Come on baby, you know you want to.

Stories from the Trenches: The Ultimate Prison Champions

By Aaron Powers (Jawbreaker_46)
(What the hell is ‘Rampage’ doing in this photo?)

I have been a correctional officer for five years now, and it would be an understatement to say that I’ve seen some crazy shit.

The institution I work at, which shall remain nameless, specializes in mental health. Think half psych-ward, half prison. There are inmates and patients who eat their shit, throw their shit, and smear their shit. Once an inmate shoved a pencil in his pee hole and about half way down the shaft, poked it out through the top and ripped it out, slitting his unit up the middle so it looked like a micro-waved hot dog.  There is a patient who, every month or so will bash his head on the wall to get Satan to stop talking to him. His forehead looks like that old In Living Color skit where the family had asses on their heads… and they couldn’t figure out where the whistling was coming from on the roller coaster…. You don’t remember that one? Trust me it happened. So yeah like I said, crazy shit.

In an effort to increase the interactiveness of the site for our readers, we will be running a “From the Trenches” story from a member of the Potato Nation every week. If you have a story to share about a fight you had, a douchebag you met who claimed to be a fighter or an experience you had meeting a real fighter — anything you think your CP brethren would like to read about, send your story to [email protected]. If we use your tale, we’ll send you a devil horns shirt so you can rep us at the office, your niece’s Christening or your grandmother’s funeral.

By Aaron Powers (Jawbreaker_46)
(What the hell is ‘Rampage’ doing in this photo?)

I have been a correctional officer for five years now, and it would be an understatement to say that I’ve seen some crazy shit.

The institution I work at, which shall remain nameless, specializes in mental health. Think half psych-ward, half prison. There are inmates and patients who eat their shit, throw their shit, and smear their shit. Once an inmate shoved a pencil in his pee hole and about half way down the shaft, poked it out through the top and ripped it out, slitting his unit up the middle so it looked like a micro-waved hot dog.  There is a patient who, every month or so will bash his head on the wall to get Satan to stop talking to him. His forehead looks like that old In Living Color skit where the family had asses on their heads… and they couldn’t figure out where the whistling was coming from on the roller coaster…. You don’t remember that one? Trust me it happened. So yeah like I said, crazy shit.

For every nut job, there are roughly 7.8 inmates who are just plain stupid. Now before any ex-cons out there get all over my case about stereotyping, I’m not saying everyone who is in, or has been in prison is stupid. I’m just saying there is a reoccurring theme of a lack of common sense that a lot of them share.

Anyway, the subject of MMA will come up from time to time if someone comes up to my desk and sees me reading a magazine or reading the live round by round updates on Cage Potato since I work every weekend. The conversation usually starts the same but can take two very different paths. They ask it I like UFC, I say “yes” but never tell them that I used to fight, because then I’d just be ,“That fighter C.O.” and I’d have a target on my back. The inmate, obviously behind on current standings, will ask about who the champs are, and who’s fighting whom. Most of the time they know somebody who fights on the local circuit, and a lot of times I know said person as well, so we talk about that. This is the point, however, where a normal conversation can take a drastic turn to the absurd. In an attempt to either intimidate or impress me, around one in every five of these jokers has to take it to the next level and tell me that they, “used to do UFC.” This phrase instantly sets off any educated fan’s bullshit detector. If he isn’t savvy enough to call it mixed martial arts, the odds are he has never stepped foot in the cage.

In my time in this profession I have seen a handful of legit fighters come through the doors, including a UFC vet, a few guys I knew from the local circuit — even a past opponent. Do you know what they all had in common? None of them went around bragging about being fighters! Doing so would put a pretty sizeable target on their backs, even more so than it would to me if I let it slip that I used to fight. Hell, I dropped a decision to the aforementioned former opponent, which would be the ultimate bragging right for most inmates, but he never mentioned it.

So what do I do in this situation? Do I immediately call bullshit? Shit no! Where’s the fun in that? I do what I’m pretty sure most of you would do in the same situation: I ask questions and see just how far they will dig that hole until they realize I’m just messing with them. I’ll ask them where they train, what their records are, and what shows they’ve fought on — the basic stuff. The crazy thing is none of these guys have ever lost!!

I’ll ask if they like to stand and bang or if they prefer the ground game, and to my surprise, they are all knockout artists. Knockout artists who are shockingly utterly unfamiliar with boxing and muay thai techniques and terminology. The last guy I had one of these conversations with told me that his favorite move was, and I quote, “the one where you grab the guy’s head and put your knee in his face,” also known as, the thai clinch. Talking to him made me miss talking to the dude who talks to Satan. I shouldn’t have been surprised; the same guy once told me that he had football and basketball scholarships to LSU that he would have taken if he hadn’t gotten locked up. Tough break for LSU. Maybe he would have been the difference against Bama.

So, are the baddest men on the planet behind bars? I’m going to have to go with no. No need to stop watching all the big boys and start YouTubing prison fights. Although I do recommend it if you’re bored. I’m sure we’ve all had someone tell us that they’re a fighter, only to have no clue what they are talking about when pressed about the finer details of the sport. I say have fun with it. Ask questions and make them think you are buying every word they say, then tell all your friends what a tool the guy is, or, if you’re at a party or a bar, make a game out of cock-blocking the shit out of him all night.  With the inmates, I like to walk by their cells later on and tell their cellmates (who are usually much bigger than they are), “Don’t mess with this guy; he’s one of those UFC guys.” You should see the look on the “UFC guys’” faces… priceless. I’ve only gotten one guy raped so far, so that’s not too bad.

That’s a joke. Nobody was raped. Although there may have been some consensual finger play.