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(The Johnson vs. Cormier promo for UFC 187. We haven’t watched it yet, but drink if the word “monster” is used at any point.)

Afternoon, Nation. It’s been a hell of a week for our fine little sport, amiright? Some bad things happened, some other bad things happened, and depending on how you feel about Jon Jones, some either earth-shatteringly terrible or world-affirmingly wonderful things happened as well. So join us after the jump as we recap the week that was while trying not to cry into our whiskey drink. What? IT’S FRIDAY AND WE NEED THIS, NATION.

-If the loss of Jones from UFC 187 wasn’t bad enough, the most stacked card since the FOX deal took another huge hit in the form of top lightweight contender Khabib Nurmagomedov — who was forced out of his #1 contender battle with Donald Cerrone due to a torn meniscus in an apparent “freak accident.” The Russian, who has not fought since defeating now-champion Rafael Dos Anjos in April of 2014, now faces another 4-6 month layoff and feels he attempted to come back from his original injury “too soon.” I…I just…

Sometimes it makes me sad, though…[UFC 187] being torn apart. I have to remind myself that some [cards] aren’t meant to be caged. Their [lineups] are just too bright. And when they [fall apart], the part of you that knows it was a sin to [book] them DOES rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone. I guess I just miss my [sport].

-In slightly less depressing news, Cerrone will now face John Makdessi at UFC 187, who is fresh off a first round TKO over Shane Campbell at UFC 186.

-What else sucked this week? Oh, I guess Alexander Gustafsson being forced out of his Fight Night Berlin main event against Glover Teixeira fits that bill. If you’ll excuse me for a moment…

All better now.

With Gustafsson once again forced out of a Fight Night main event due to an undisclosed injury, women’s strawweight champion Joanna Jedrzejczyk will now face Jessica Penne for her first title defense. Penne was previously scheduled to face Brazilian Juliana De Lima Carneiro at Fight Night 67 next, but I guess a title shot makes just as much sense. Welcome to the show, babay!!!!!

-What else, what else. Well, we learned that Urijah Faber is an anti-vaxxer, so there’s something fun to chew on.

-Following their featured undercard scrap at UFC 186 which saw Patrick Cote defeat Joe Riggs via unanimous decision, Riggs has now more or less accused Cote of greasing. His exact words:

Ive been DQed for taking an oil bath the night before a fight so that when I started to sweat in the baby oil would slowly started coming out of my pores slowly. But the body is dry when they checked before they fight. Lol not saying he did that. But if he didn’t then he’s normally slippery as a oiled up dong!

“Slippery as a oiled up dong” sounds about as eloquent as I’d expect from a guy who once shot himself while cleaning his gun.

-In slightly more uplifting news, I guess, Melvin Guillard was granted release from his WSOF contract. If you recall, Guillard fought twice for the promotion last year, scoring a TKO over Gesias Cavalcante before dropping a decision to lightweight champion Justin Gaethje and missing weight on both occasions. Despite being blasted by WSOF President Ray Sefo for his unprofessionalism, we fully expect to see him back in the UFC before day’s end, what with their fighters dropping like flies and all.

-But because I believe there’s always a silver lining, I’m going to wrap things up by reminding us all that today marks the 15th anniversary of Kazushi Sakuraba vs. Royce Gracie, the most epic MMA fight of all time. Let’s all watch the entire thing together right now.

The post The Week in Review: “Oh, F*ck My Life” Edition appeared first on Cagepotato.

(Yup, that pretty much sums it up.)

Greetings, Nation. If you haven’t noticed by the all but complete lack of posts this week, I’ve been away from the office (and in fact out of the state) to deal with some legal issues pertaining to a…gambling snafu. Yeah, let’s go with that.

My recent absence aside, the cutbacks across the board here at Castle CP have forced us to severely limit the amount of posts we can put up per day. So I, in my infinite wisdom, figured a John Oliver-esque recap of the week’s events in a single post would be the best way to keep you in the know moving forward, should CP happen to be your lone source of MMA news. Which if it is…

But let us begin with perhaps the biggest story of the week…

-In news no one — I repeat, no one — could have seen coming (except us, like, a month ago), Rampage Jackson has been forced out of his UFC 186 co-main event matchup with Fabio Maldonado. OH THE SHOCK AND TERROR AND ALSO AWE. If you recall, Bellator filed a lawsuit against Jackson back in March following the news that he had re-signed with the UFC while still under one of those “crazy contracts” that the Rebney Era became infamous for.

On Tuesday, New Jersey judge Karen L. Suter granted Bellator an injunction that successfully blocked Rampage from fighting at UFC 186 at the end of the month. When asked why she backed Bellator in this case, Suter claimed that “Equities plaintiff legal talk legal talk peas and carrots.” I’m paraphrasing, but you can read the bullet points here.

-In a more positive story, the UFC announced the hiring of “anti-doping crusader” Jeff Novitzky as vice president of athlete health and performance, a huge step forward in light of the promotion’s newly-instated drug testing policies. Novitzky is the perhaps best known for leading the investigation against both Barry Bonds and BALCO back in 2002 and Lance Armstrong in 2010 while working for the FDA. Why Chael Sonnen, who called out Armstrong years before any of us were ready to hear it, has not yet been brought onto the UFC’s new anti-steroid A-team remains a complete mystery.

-Speaking of steroids, Jorge de Oliveira became the most recent UFC fighter to get nailed for stanozolol, following his loss to Christos Giagos at Fight Night 62. Oliveira has been suspended for a year retroactive to the March 21st event, and his name will likely never be spoken on our tongues again.

-Alexis Dufresne (relationship status to Andy Dufresne: Uncertain) was also caught by a pre-fight medical…for pregnancy! You see how I turned that around on you like that? Bow down to the master, bitches!!! (But seriously, pregnancy is a beautiful thing and should not be trivialized.) Following her 0-2 run in the UFC, Dufresne was set to make her Bellator debut at Bellator 137 in May until a pre-fight medical exam revealed that she was with child.

-Speaking of which, Ben Henderson and his wife announced that they are also expecting. Send your congratulations with the proper stationary accordingly.

-In fight-booking news, Mike Swick has been greenlit to return to the octagon for the first time since his 1-1 run in the promotion back in 2012, which itself followed a two year absence due to injuries. The inventor of The Swickatine, Swicks Cheese, and The Swick-ffer will face off against dangerous striker Alex Garcia at UFC 189.

-For its first trip to Poland, the UFC has booked an absolutely abysmal card in Fight Night 64, as is tradition. Barring the main event rematch between Mirko Cro Cop and Gabriel Gonzaga, the four fight main card features three fighters without a Wikipedia page, one of whom is named Sheldon. Sheldon, you guys. UFC Krakow does feature the long-awaited debut of Alexandra Albu, however, which makes this a good a time as any to remind you that she is smokin’ hot…er…incredibly marketable.

-And finally, this photo. My God, this photo. (via r/mma)

My official reaction can be heard here.

-J. Jones

The post The Week in Review: Rampage Forced Off UFC 186 (UH-DOI!), The Return of Mike Swick, + A Big Step Forward in UFC Drug Testing appeared first on Cagepotato.