As Mixed Martial Arts has grown in popularity over the years, so have the number of organizations attempting to replicate its success with their own spin-off versions of the sport. That’s easier said than done though, and along the way we’ve seen some weird, wonderful, and at times just downright dangerous concepts brought to life
As Mixed Martial Arts has grown in popularity over the years, so have the number of organizations attempting to replicate its success with their own spin-off versions of the sport.
That’s easier said than done though, and along the way we’ve seen some weird, wonderful, and at times just downright dangerous concepts brought to life by promoters in the hope of becoming the next big thing in combat sports.
In this article we’ll take a look at six of the craziest MMA-inspired organizations ever created, that, if nothing else, have shown a knack for pushing well beyond the boundaries of good taste.
(Personally, I think this is a reasonable reaction.)
We don’t mean to judge a book by it’s cover, but when that cover is a 327 lb man who goes by the name Tater Williams, it’s safe to say that he will more than likely end up on the wrong side of a knockout. Scratch that, a 327 lb dude named Tater Williams should most certainly end up on the RIGHT side of a knockout if anything. His name is freaking TATER FREAKING WILLIAMS, and he uses catchphrases like “Five of these across the sneeze,” and “You’re gonna get that about 147 times” in between asthmatic gasps for air. “That” being the aforementioned sneeze punches. Throw in the fact that Tater is apparently “a really great athlete” who has studied judo, wrestling, sambo, and had a high school wrestling record of 226-12* and Tater is not only looking like a well-rounded Goliath, but a man who could decimate Junior Dos Santos, Cain Velasquez, and Alistair Overeem without batting an eye. At the same time. While in a diabetic coma.
Sadly, things do go quite according to plan (have they ever, really?) in the next chapter of the XARM saga, a sport so hilariously misguided that it really makes you yearn for the subtle nuances of wheelchair MMA. In today’s contest, Tater finds himself matched up against the slightly slimmer Bond Laupua (I swear to God I am not making these names up), who is quick to admit that “I don’t really have a strategy” heading into the fight. The announcers inform us that Tater’s gameplan was to gain weight. HOW DID HE LOSE THIS.
Join us after the jump to see two bears wrestle over a jar of honey until one falls down.
(Personally, I think this is a reasonable reaction.)
We don’t mean to judge a book by it’s cover, but when that cover is a 327 lb man who goes by the name Tater Williams, it’s safe to say that he will more than likely end up on the wrong side of a knockout. Scratch that, a 327 lb dude named Tater Williams should most certainly end up on the RIGHT side of a knockout if anything. His name is freaking TATER FREAKING WILLIAMS, and he uses catchphrases like “Five of these across the sneeze,” and “You’re gonna get that about 147 times” in between asthmatic gasps for air. “That” being the aforementioned sneeze punches. Throw in the fact that Tater is apparently “a really great athlete” who has studied judo, wrestling, sambo, and had a high school wrestling record of 226-12* and Tater is not only looking like a well-rounded Goliath, but a man who could decimate Junior Dos Santos, Cain Velasquez, and Alistair Overeem without batting an eye. At the same time. While in a diabetic coma.
Sadly, things do go quite according to plan (have they ever, really?) in the next chapter of the XARM saga, a sport so hilariously misguided that it really makes you yearn for the subtle nuances of wheelchair MMA. In today’s contest, Tater finds himself matched up against the slightly slimmer Bond Laupua (I swear to God I am not making these names up), who is quick to admit that “I don’t really have a strategy” heading into the fight. The announcers inform us that Tater’s gameplan was to gain weight. HOW DID HE LOSE THIS.
See how below.
Well, at least it was quick.
Is it just us, or when Tater and Bond are “jogging for position” as one of the announcers put it (we think he meant jockeying), does it look like they both got their hand stuck in the same pickle jar and are desperately trying to get the last one at the bottom? And speaking of announcers, you just gotta love that when the knockout abruptly comes, the “color commentator” simply gives a delayed “Holy shit!” I guess the color he specializes in is brown, amiright guys?! *crickets*
But alas, a knee at the 1:30 mark forces Tater to go into Bob Sapp mode, except he can’t fall to the ground because his other arm is attached to that of his opponent’s. A few kicks to the face and that is all she wrote for the Tater, whose chicken pot pie will taste just a little bit worse tonight. Laupua followed through on his promise to knock Williams out on the feet and leave “300 pounds dangling” from the XARM table. Now go collect your trophy, which probably looks something like this, and let’s move on.
Come to think of it, we should try to get Sapp to convert to this freak show. His “striking” technique would fit in perfectly with the drunken baby style that XARM has nearly trademarked, he would get punched far less, and he could finally fight guys somewhere near his skill level. Or we could witness the first submission to strikes in XARM history. Either way, the audience clearly wins.
Now Goldstein, what do I have to do to get some CP shirts made with Tater fist-posing on the front and the phrase “Five of these across the sneeze” on the back? Seriously, I’ll give a week’s pay if I have to.
*I cannot confirm any of that, nor have I bothered to research it. His name is Tater, therefore he is telling the truth. Besides, his reputation clearly precedes him.
In MMA, as in life, you never want to leave it in the hands of the judges. The same rule applies for the absurd parody of a combat sport known as XARM. Up until now, we’ve just thought that XARM involved two guys swinging wild haymakers at each other with their hands tied together, but it turns out that you actually can win or lose by pin — just like in real arm-wrestling. And James Irvin recently learned that the hard way during his depressing promotional debut against XARM veteran Fred “Big Cat” Steen.
Steen successfully pins Irvin’s arm in rounds one and two, meaning that Irvin needs a knockout in round three to win the match. And while the Sandman lands some good shots in that final frame, Steen spends much of the third round hanging back (literally), stalling his way to a decision win. Honestly, these goddamned point-fighters are ruining the sport.
I’d update the James Irvin “Why Me?” timeline, but who even cares at this point. For further viewing, watch this XARM profile of James Irvin, where Irvin explains that he works full-time at the UFC Gym (possibly alongside another legendary UFC striker), incorrectly claims that he still holds the UFC’s fastest knockout record, and bitches about his damn taxes.
In MMA, as in life, you never want to leave it in the hands of the judges. The same rule applies for the absurd parody of a combat sport known as XARM. Up until now, we’ve just thought that XARM involved two guys swinging wild haymakers at each other with their hands tied together, but it turns out that you actually can win or lose by pin — just like in real arm-wrestling. And James Irvin recently learned that the hard way during his depressing promotional debut against XARM veteran Fred “Big Cat” Steen.
Steen successfully pins Irvin’s arm in rounds one and two, meaning that Irvin needs a knockout in round three to win the match. And while the Sandman lands some good shots in that final frame, Steen spends much of the third round hanging back (literally), stalling his way to a decision win. Honestly, these goddamned point-fighters are ruining the sport.
I’d update the James Irvin “Why Me?” timeline, but who even cares at this point. For further viewing, watch this XARM profile of James Irvin, where Irvin explains that he works full-time at the UFC Gym (possibly alongside another legendary UFC striker), incorrectly claims that he still holds the UFC’s fastest knockout record, and bitches about his damn taxes.
Irvin won a pair of fights for Gladiator Challenge earlier this year, both by first-round stoppage. In fact, the Sandman hasn’t seen the second round of a fight in five-and-a-half years, making him an ideal fit for XARM’s “Roughest 3 Minutes In Sports” mentality. But there’s no way he’s getting out of this thing unscathed. It’s James Irvin, for God’s sake. Shattering his wrist or orbital bone would be a best-case scenario. Something freaky is going to happen, I just know it. Damn. Am I going to have to watch this fucking thing now?
XARM’s next event will be filled out by the participants of an upcoming reality show that will air on the Machinima network, in which XARM hopefuls are put through a three-day training boot camp. The promotion is still looking to fill nine spots for the show, and is accepting fighters ranging from 145 to 265 pounds, including female fighters. If this sounds like a good use of your time, hit up Tedd Williams at [email protected]. Please, no point-fighters or game-planners.
(BowCap: It’s “armbar” in tard-speak. / Video courtesy of Hamwin12)
Irvin won a pair of fights for Gladiator Challenge earlier this year, both by first-round stoppage. In fact, the Sandman hasn’t seen the second round of a fight in five-and-a-half years, making him an ideal fit for XARM’s “Roughest 3 Minutes In Sports” mentality. But there’s no way he’s getting out of this thing unscathed. It’s James Irvin, for God’s sake. Shattering his wrist or orbital bone would be a best-case scenario. Something freaky is going to happen, I just know it. Damn. Am I going to have to watch this fucking thing now?
XARM’s next event will be filled out by the participants of an upcoming reality show that will air on the Machinima network, in which XARM hopefuls are put through a three-day training boot camp. The promotion is still looking to fill nine spots for the show, and is accepting fighters ranging from 145 to 265 pounds, including female fighters. If this sounds like a good use of your time, hit up Tedd Williams at [email protected]. Please, no point-fighters or game-planners.
Have you ever been watching an MMA fight and found yourself thinking, “Yeah, this is cool and all, but I wonder what it would be like if these dudes were strapped to a cocktail table and had zero training”? Well, today is your lucky day. Freshly resurrected from the MMA graveyard is “XARM”.
XARM is the brainchild of Art Davie, one of the the UFC’s original co-founders. In its first incarnation, XARM nearly usurped MMA as the next “evolution of combat sports” before abruptly calling it quits, but now the ‘extreme arm wrestling’ league has returned and is poised to take over once again.
Amazingly, they’ve found backing by experienced television producers.
Have you ever been watching an MMA fight and found yourself thinking, “Yeah, this is cool and all, but I wonder what it would be like if these dudes were strapped to a cocktail table and had zero training”? Well, today is your lucky day. Freshly resurrected from the MMA graveyard is “XARM”.
XARM is the brainchild of Art Davie, one of the the UFC’s original co-founders. In its first incarnation, XARM nearly usurped MMA as the next “evolution of combat sports” before abruptly calling it quits, but now the ‘extreme arm wrestling’ league has returned and is poised to take over once again.
Amazingly, they’ve found backing by experienced television producers. MMAJunkie.com reports that Endomol USA—responsible for such high brow projects as “Big Brother,” “Deal or No Deal,” “Fear Factor,”, and “Wipeout”–will hope to parlay their international influence to make XARM a household name in countless languages.
The promotion is planning to launch an online game and is boasting to have injected an incredible amount of new technology into the sport (spoiler: the cocktail tables are made of pure tungsten). They can add whatever in-table cameras and carbon fiber tethers they want, at the end of the day calling this a sport is a ridiculously liberal use of the word. Two guys tied down just feet from one another with restricted movement and no choice but to swing for the fences? Who would want that?
While I am looking forward to XARM dying a very public second death, I must admit that there is one MMA rematch I’d pay to see under their banner before it falls. Are there any others?
