DISCLAIMER: This feature is purely a satirical piece- you know, like the title explicitly states. Any references to real people and events are purely for comedic effect. Nothing you are about to read is actual news, and no quotes used in this article are authentic quotes. In short, don’t take anything you are about to read as a real news story. Anheuser-Busch respects women, and would never support sexism in any way.
The family-friendly Anheuser-Busch corporation has just been turned upside down. Former Bud Light mascot Spuds MacKenzie has been found guilty in the state of Nevada of sexually harassing multiple women while employed by Anheuser-Busch. Furthermore, Anheuser-Busch is being investigated for its role in MacKenzie’s crimes, as victims say that the harassment was not only encouraged by fellow employees, but that the victims were vehemently discouraged from filing complaints while they were employed by the company.
The charges against MacKenzie read like the sex-depraved fantasies of a thirteen year old boy. Among them include the complaints of Carol Grey, who played the role of “Hot Blond Chick” in many Bud Light commercials. Grey revealed that MacKenzie would repeatedly order her to smack him on the ass during commercial shoots, as well as force her to publically praise MacKenzie’s sexual conquests on numerous occasions.
Shocking videos of the harassment available after the jump.
DISCLAIMER: This feature is purely a satirical piece- you know, like the title explicitly states. Any references to real people and events are purely for comedic effect. Nothing you are about to read is actual news, and no quotes used in this article are authentic quotes. In short, don’t take anything you are about to read as a real news story. Anheuser-Busch respects women, and would never support sexism in any way.
The family-friendly Anheuser-Busch corporation has just been turned upside down. Former Bud Light mascot Spuds MacKenzie has been found guilty in the state of Nevada of sexually harassing multiple women while employed by Anheuser-Busch. Furthermore, Anheuser-Busch is being investigated for its role in MacKenzie’s crimes, as victims say that the harassment was not only encouraged by fellow employees, but that the victims were vehemently discouraged from filing complaints while they were employed by the company.
The charges against MacKenzie read like the sex-depraved fantasies of a twelve year old boy. Among them include the complaints of Carol Grey, who played the role of “Hot Blond Chick” in many Bud Light commercials. Grey revealed that MacKenzie would repeatedly order her to smack him on the ass during commercial shoots, as well as force her to publically praise MacKenzie’s sexual conquests on numerous occasions.
A shocking video from the Anheuser-Busch archives captured the incident in question:
Notable accusations were also made by Mileena Johnson, who played the role of “Tits and/or Ass #14” throughout her career with Bud Light. Johnson accused Spuds MacKenzie of forcing her to use her breasts to massage MacKenzie’s neck, and that Spuds threatened to rape her if she didn’t comply. She claims that he told her to, in his own words, “Rub them titties on my neck or I’ll hump the shit out of your leg. And then your vagina.” Johnson also accused MacKenzie of voyeurism, although charges were eventually dropped. As with Grey, Johnson was able to use a video from the Anheuser-Busch archives to support her claims.
Spuds MacKenzie was defended by Attorney Alistair Overeem, who blamed irresponsible members of Bud Light film crews for the incidents in question. Said Alistair Overeem, Esq., “My client absolutely does not believe in, nor does he take part in, the objectification of women. At least when he’s sober.”
Attorney Overeem went on to explain that former members of Bud Light’s film crew would offer Spuds MacKenzie moonshine before shooting commercials. Spuds did not know that moonshine contained alcohol, and therefore would consume as many as seven shots of moonshine before coming into contact with his victims. While Spuds MacKenzie felt sorry that his victims had to endure months of harassment, he also recognized that the incidents were clearly not his fault. Therefore, he should not be punished in any way, shape or form for his actions.
After a Nevada state record three seconds of deliberation, the jury had found Spuds MacKenzie guilty of multiple charges of sexual harassment. However, many people were unsatisfied by what they felt was an excessively lenient punishment of nine months of probation from The Honorable Judge Christiane Santos.
“I can sympathize with being a victim of a heinous incident that tramples your basic rights as a human being,” said The Honorable Judge Christiane Santos, “but rules are rules, and sexual harassment is against them. It is neither fair nor just that people are expected to know every little detail about every single substance that they put into their bodies…”
“AMEN!” interrupted Muhammad Lawal.
“Since you never argued that you didn’t actually harass those chicks, the law says that you need to be punished. So I’m giving you nine months of probation. That seems fair. ”
While Spuds MacKenzie may have gotten off easy in court, his reputation will arguably never be restored. Immediately after the trial, Anheuser-Busch formally denounced the former Bud Light mascot and denied any involvement with MacKenzie’s harassment.
“As a family-oriented company responsible for a product that brings positive changes to society, we truly regret ever being involved with Spuds MacKenzie,” said Anheuser-Busch public relations specialist Quinton Beck. “Had we have known about MacKenzie’s behavior, we never would have allowed him to be a role model for children around the world. While nothing we can do will change the past, we are making a sincere attempt to provide children with a positive, ethical dog to encourage them to bring about social change by drinking as much Bud Light as humanly possible.”
After fifteen seconds of confused, awkward silence, Beck muttered under his breath “Responsibly, when they’re twenty one, of course.”
In 1993, the UFC made history by holding its first event at the old McNichols Sports Arena in Denver, Colorado. Now, the UFC will celebrate its 150th numbered event (Technically not, but play along) with a return to The Mile-High City on August 11. Tickets for the event, which takes place at The Pepsi Center, will go on sale June 15.
Headlining the event will be a lightweight title fight between champion Benson Henderson and Frankie Edgar, who lost the title to Henderson by unanimous decision at UFC 144. It’s an odd time to announce this fight, as Dana White has been adamant about having Frankie Edgar drop to featherweight. Not to mention that just days ago, Edgar seemed to be teasing a fight with Jose Aldo.
But in a way, an immediate rematch for Edgar only seems fair, considering that Edgar had to give out two immediate rematches while he was the lightweight champion.
In 1993, the UFC made history by holding its first event at the old McNichols Sports Arena in Denver, Colorado. Now, the UFC will celebrate its 150th numbered event (Technically not, but play along) with a return to The Mile-High City on August 11. Tickets for the event, which takes place at The Pepsi Center, will go on sale June 15.
Headlining the event will be a lightweight title fight between champion Benson Henderson and Frankie Edgar, who lost the title to Henderson by unanimous decision at UFC 144. It’s an odd time to announce this fight, as Dana White has been adamant about having Frankie Edgar drop to featherweight. Not to mention that just days ago, Edgar seemed to be teasing a fight with Jose Aldo.
But in a way, an immediate rematch for Edgar only seems fair, considering that Edgar had to give out two immediate rematches while he was the lightweight champion.
Currently, there are two other fights announced for this card. There’s a lightweight bout between Thiago Tavares vs. Dennis Hallman and a depressing middleweight bout between Luiz Cane and Yushin Okami. Expect the latter to be a loser leaves town fight; Cane has lost three of his last four fights, and Okami has looked more gun-shy by the minute since losing to Anderson Silva at UFC 134. Okami has most recently fallen to Tim Boetsch at UFC 144.
The UFC was most recently in Denver for UFC 135 last September, where Jon Jones made quick work of former light-heavyweight champion Quinton “Rampage” Jackson, and numerous heavyweights demonstrated what high altitudes do to a fighter’s stamina. We imagine that there won’t be too many heavyweight bouts this time around.
We’ll keep you posted as more details become available.
DISCLAIMER: This feature is purely a satirical piece- you know, like the title explicitly states. Any references to real people and events are purely for comedic effect. Nothing you are about to read is actual news, and no quotes used in this article are authentic quotes. In short, don’t take anything you are about to read as a real news story. Pictured: How drug abusing MMA fighters would look if they had some dignity.
The general public has been outraged over Chael Sonnen’s recent comments defending Alistair Overeem, and do not seem to be willing to forgive and forget any time soon. Sonnen defended Overeem on the basis that Overeem simply had an elevated testosterone-to-epitestosterone ratio, and did not test positive for an illegal substance. However, many still believe that Overeem’s elevated T:E ratio was caused by testosterone usage. If true (and it certainly looks true), it gives him an unfair advantage at his job, and therefore is completely unacceptable.
“This is an outrage!” cried Sean Franchetti, a journalist for the popular MMA news outlet Cage Crapato, while snorting his third Adderall of the week. “SorryaboutthatIhave…I have four feature articles due by tomorrow morning, and there’s no way I can do all that without snorting a few lines first.”
DISCLAIMER: This feature is purely a satirical piece- you know, like the title explicitly states. Any references to real people and events are purely for comedic effect. Nothing you are about to read is actual news, and no quotes used in this article are authentic quotes. In short, don’t take anything you are about to read as a real news story. Pictured: How drug abusing MMA fighters would look if they had some dignity.
The general public has been outraged over Chael Sonnen’s recent comments defending Alistair Overeem, and do not seem to be willing to forgive and forget any time soon. Sonnen defended Overeem on the basis that Overeem simply had an elevated testosterone-to-epitestosterone ratio, and did not test positive for an illegal substance. However, many still believe that Overeem’s elevated T:E ratio was caused by testosterone usage. If true (and it certainly looks true), it gives him an unfair advantage at his job, and therefore is completely unacceptable.
“This is an outrage!” cried Sean Franchetti, a journalist for the popular MMA news outlet Cage Crapato, while snorting his third Adderall of the week. “SorryaboutthatIhave…I have four feature articles due by tomorrow morning, and there’s no way I can do all that without snorting a few lines first.”
“Anyways, I don’t care if he has a prescription for it; cheaters who take drugs that give them competitive advantages should be banned from sports! You don’t see me taking steroids to do my job, do you?”
Franchetti is not alone on his stance towards testosterone usage in mixed martial arts. People across the country seem to agree that drug usage is deplorable- especially when the drug in question makes a person better at his or her job.
“This is why professional sports are such a joke- they all need drugs to do anything meaningful! If you aren’t good enough to do your job without injecting drugs, then you just aren’t good enough to be doing the job in the first place.” says Grayson McDouche, lead singer of the hardcore punk band The Arachnamen. “Guys like Sid Vicious, Dee Dee Ramone, G.G. Allin…they’re the real heroes. If people weren’t such jock-worshipping sheep, they’d idolize those of us who don’t need drugs to create things of meaning.”
But the problem of testosterone usage runs deeper than pure performance enhancement. Some people, like Jerry Conway, president of bodybuilding supplement company Sugarpill Pharmaceuticals, worry that the acceptance of testosterone usage in sports will keep those who chose not to use testosterone- or perhaps those who can’t afford it- out of competitive sports.
“What about the athletes who can’t afford to spend money on testosterone injections, or the athletes that look at [testosterone usage] and think ‘I don’t want to take this, this is too dangerous’? They’re now out of the loop, all because they aren’t risking their health on something their trainers mindlessly told them to take. And when you add on that some of these fighters are getting testosterone at prescription prices, they might as well be sponsored by this abomination to professional sports!”
Sugarpill Pharmaceuticals is the official sponsor of Indiana Super Fights, and sponsors several MMA fighters. Their most popular pre-workout drink, Turbo DecaVar 5000 XTREME!!!!!, has caused four heart attacks to date.
Likewise, Dr. Philip Napoleon, a professor of Bellator History at Louisiana University, worries that athletes are getting unnecessary prescriptions for testosterone, which in turn causes doctors to be hesitant to write prescriptions for people who actually need prescription drugs.
“You got these guys saying ‘I need testosterone because I’m tired from my workouts’ like that’s an unexpected consequence of intense training. It makes the whole thing look like a joke. It’s why it’s so hard to convince doctors that I need an Adderall prescription, and why the English department has trouble getting marijuana prescriptions for their insomnia/back problems/hatred of Doritos/terrible golf swings.” said Dr. Napoleon via email.
“I remember the day it became obvious to me that I needed an Adderall prescription: I was trying to write a two hour lecture on Ben Askren’s fighting style. While watching his fights, I became so bored that I couldn’t focus. It wasn’t just plain old vanilla ‘This fight could be more interesting’ that I was feeling; I literally felt like I’d rather pay attention to ANYTHING but Ben Askren. In fact, at one point during the fourth round of his most recent fight, I almost fell asleep! Clearly, I am a man who needs Adderall, yet so many doctors assume that giving me a prescription would be a farce- all because athletes are getting unnecessary testosterone prescriptions!”
After speaking to fans and pundits, it’s painfully clear that performance enhancement through drug usage is a dark problem in professional sports. Many athletes are getting questionable prescriptions for testosterone, which can be dangerous if misused. Yet these athletes are often naïve enough to think that they actually need testosterone.
Most importantly: it is obvious that the problem of performance enhancement through drug usage is a problem that is exclusive to professional sports, and by no means carries over to the rest of society.
It’s finally almost time for UFC 145, which means we have some preliminary fights on FX to make snarky comments through. We have a fight between TUF champions turned gatekeepers Mac Danzig and Efrain Escudero, a matchup between Anthony Njokuani and John Makdessi, we find out if Matt Brown will live to fight another day against Stephen Thompson, and we get a heavyweight bout between Travis Browne and Chad Griggs to keep us entertained before the main card tonight. Grab a sammich and a bottle of the finest flavor of Night Train Express that the nearest gas station sells and join us for round-by-round results.
Live, round-by-round results from the UFC 145: Jones vs. Evans preliminary broadcast will be collecting after the jump starting at 8 p.m. ET / 5 p.m. PT, courtesy of CagePotato’s ultimate (weekend) warrior, Seth Falvo. Refresh the page every few minutes for all the latest, and let us know your thoughts in the comments section. Please stand by.
It’s finally almost time for UFC 145, which means we have some preliminary fights on FX to make snarky comments through. We have a fight between TUF champions turned gatekeepers Mac Danzig and Efrain Escudero, a matchup between Anthony Njokuani and John Makdessi, we find out if Matt Brown will live to fight another day against Stephen Thompson, and we get a heavyweight bout between Travis Browne and Chad Griggs to keep us entertained before the main card tonight. Grab a sammich and a bottle of the finest flavor of Night Train Express that the nearest gas station sells and join us for round-by-round results.
Live, round-by-round results from the UFC 145: Jones vs. Evans preliminary broadcast will be collecting after the jump starting at 8 p.m. ET / 5 p.m. PT, courtesy of CagePotato’s ultimate (weekend) warrior, Seth Falvo. Refresh the page every few minutes for all the latest, and let us know your thoughts in the comments section. Please stand by.
____________
Before we kick things off, does anyone want know why I chose a fan-made UFC 145 poster as the featured image for this liveblog? It’s because that poster took twice as much effort as the real poster and is about fifty times more terrifying. I chose to believe that it’s an indication of things to come tonight, be it devastating knockouts, arm-snapping submissions or just how badly I can misspell basic words of a language I’ve been speaking for my entire life while attempting to keep you all up to date on the action. Just thought I’d share that before we go live.
Cue the cheesy “This may be awesome” disclaimer, because WE ARE LIVE! Seriously though, FX, come up with something less terrible. And someone may want to tell Mike Goldberg how to pronounce “Hecho en Mexico” before the start of his fight against Mac Danzig.
Mac Danzig vs. Efrain Escudero
Too late.
Round One: They touch gloves, and we’re underway. They clinch up and exchange knees, with Danzig immediately pushing Escudero into the cage. Escudero reverses position and looks for a takedown, but Danzig reverses and earns a takedown of his own. Escudero works for a heel hook, and appears to have Danzig in trouble, but Mac escapes and takes Escudero’s back. Mac lets him back up, and Escudero lands a leg kick. Nice cross by Danzig. Danzig is landing some punches and doing a good job of avoiding Escudero’s, but Efrain doesn’t appear hurt by any of them. They clinch against the cage with Mac Danzig looking for a takedown. Danzig has Escudero’s back, but Efrain is doing a good job of staying on his feet. A “U-S-A! U-S-A!” chant breaks out as they separate and we’re back in the center of the cage. Escudero now rushes Danzig, trapping him against the cage looking for a takedown with twenty seconds left in the round. He is unsuccessful, and the round comes to an end.
Round Two: They touch gloves, and after aboutforty seconds of feeling each other out, Escudero lands a nice right hand. Danzig counters with a hard leg kick, and presses Escudero against the cage, kneeing Escudero in the thighs. Nice 1-2 from Escudero as he breaks free. The fans begin to boo the lack of action, as both guys are throwing heavy shots that are easily being avoided. Danzig has a much stronger clinch than Escudero, and has him back against the cage with ninety seconds left in the round. Escudero lands a knee from the clinch in the center of the cage, so naturally, Danzig pushes Escudero into the cage and works his wall-and-stall. Escudero unsuccessfully looks for another takedown as this round comes to an end.
Round Three: Danzig’s right ankle is jacked up, which explains his wall-and-stall heavy offense (if it can be called that). Nice leg kick from Danzig, followed by an attempted Superman punch. Escudero is back up against the cage, and lands a knee before Danzig works to take his back. He gives it up temporarily, and we’re back against the cage, with Danzig attempting to take Escudero’s back. You know what, I think I’ll just copy that sentence and paste it accordingly for the remainder of this one. Okay, now they’re free with ninety seconds left. Danzig is landing some nice punches to Escudero’s body, and doing a good job of avoiding Escudero’s wild striking. And we’re back against the cage, care to guess who has dominant position? This one mercifully comes to an end. It wasn’t pretty, but it looks like Mac Danzig has this one.
He does. Mac Danzig def. Efrain Escudero via unanimous decision, 30-27 x2, 29-28 x1. Let’s put this one behind us ASAP.
Anthony Njokuani vs. John Makdessi
Round One: They touch gloves and immediately exchange kicks. Njokuani is throwing a lot of head kicks to start this one off, and Makdessi throws a front leg side kick. And another. Nice leg kick by Njokuani. Makdessi returns with one of his own. Njokuani rushes in with a combo that doesn’t quite land, but the leg kick he punctuates it with does. Makdessi keeps throwing the front leg side kick, but it isn’t landing. Njokuani seems to have Makdessi wobbled by a left hook with two minutes left in the round, but doesn’t capitalize from it. Huge head kick attempted by Njokuani, but Makdessi blocks it. With one minute left in the round, Njokuani lands a head kick, but Makdessi doesn’t seem hurt. Makdessi throws the side kick again, as both men are playing it safe as this round comes to an end.
Round Two: Makdessi throws the side kick straight at Njokuani’s head, but it’s blocked. Nice body kick by Makdessi. Spinning back kick from Makdessi, but Njokuani avoids it. Njokuani throws a head kick, but it’s blocked. That’s pretty much the story of this fight so far, come to think of it. They clinch up with three minutes left, and Makdessi lands some good strikes. Nice leg kicks now from Njokuani. Makdessi checks a leg kick, and this crowd begins to boo. Another leg kick from Njokuani, and Makdessi’s left leg is bright red. Njokuani catches a kick and looks to rush Makdessi, but Makdessi lands a counter punch and Njokuani backs away. Makdessi attempts a takedown as this round comes to an end.
Round Three: Makdessi is told by his corner that he’s behind on the scorecards, but he isn’t being overly aggressive as the round begins. We’re one minute into this round, and the crowd begins to boo as Njokuani lands another leg kick. Njokuani jabs at Makdessi’s body, and Makdessi throws a leg kick. Makdessi lands a spinning backfist, but doesn’t capitalize on it. Joe Rogan sounds bored as Makdessi keeps attempting the front kick that isn’t landing at all, and lands a spinning back kick to Njokuani’s body that had zero power behind it. Body kick Njokuani. Only thirty seconds left, and Makdessi has to start trying to look for the knockout. He attempts a wheel kick that completely misses, the crowd boos loudly and this one comes to a close.
Sheesh, that disclaimer looks more ridiculous by the second. It’s tough to say that either fighter deserves a victory here, but Njokuani will probably win this one.
He does. Anthony Njokuani def. John Makdessi via unanimous decision, 30-27 x3.
Matt Brown vs. Stephen Thompson
Round One: They touch gloves, and Wonderboy immediately throws a kick. Brown attempts a takedown, which Thompson stuffs easily. Thompson stuffs another takedown, as Brown pushes Wonderboy into the cage looking for another takedown. He eventually gets it, and winds up in Thompson’s guard. Brown throws some heavy punches, but they miss Thompson entirely. Thompson’s corner yells for an upkick, as Brown attempts a leg lock. He gives up on it, as Thompson is back on his feet. Brown keeps Thompson against the cage, as Thompson reverses the position. Brown earns a takedown, and takes Thompson’s back. Wonderboy does a nice job of getting back to his feet, but Brown holds on and eventually drags him back down. Brown looks for a calf crank, and Thompson throws hammerfists in order to get out. Brown ends up in Thompson’s half guard, and throws punches to Wonderboy’s body as this round comes to an end.
I wasn’t expecting Thompson to have a great ground game or anything…but damn.
Round Two: They touch gloves, and Thompson begins throwing punches to keep Brown outside. Brown gets Thompson against the cage and earns a takedown, but Thompson gets up immediately. They clinch, and Brown attempts an extremely telegraphed takedown that actually gets Thompson down. They’re back up, and Thompson lands a head kick. Brown is hurt, with Thompson looking for the finish. Nice spinning back kick from Thompson. Brown is wobbled and tired, and desperately attempts a takedown that momentarily gets Wonderboy down. Joe Rogan wonders out loud “How does Thompson manage to get taken down by this?” as Thompson gets back up. Brown is badly hurt, and his counter kicks are coming at laughably slow speeds. Thompson is too tired to put him away though. Brown lands a HUGE counter elbow than drops Thompson, and Brown is now in Thompson’s guard dropping elbows. Thompson is cut and Brown is raining down punches from side control as this round comes to an end. Didn’t see that one coming.
The crowd gives a loud ovation for the only action they’ve seen so far tonight. Can’t wait to see how this one plays out.
Round Three: Brown comes out looking to finish Thompson, but Thompson breaks free. Wonderboy falls down after landing a leg kick, and both men are clearly exhausted. Another laughably slow head kick from Brown. Dare I call it a Brazilian kick attempt? It kind of looks like that’s what he just tried. Thompson now rocks Brown with a 1-2 combo, and Brown gets Wonderboy against the cage and immediately earns a takedown. They’re back up, and Brown lands a nice knee with 2:30 left. They clinch, and Brown earns a leg trip, elbowing Thompson in the head. Brown earns side control, looking for a crucifix. With one minute left, Brown gets the crucifix and works for a mounted triangle. He throws some punches to Thompson’s head, which is bleeding like crazy as this fight comes to an end.
Gutsy performance from Matt Brown. He easily takes this one.
Official Decision: Matt Brown def. Stephen Thompson by unanimous decision, 30-27 x2, 29-28 x1
Time for our last bout of the evening. At least our last preliminary bout.
Travis Browne vs. Chad Griggs
Round One: Leg kick Griggs. Browne with a huge flying knee, and throws some more knees to the body. Browne looks for a takedown, but Griggs shows good takedown defense. At least for a few seconds, as Browne slams Griggs and ends up in side control. Browne mounts Griggs, and works for an arm-triangle. Browne gets it, and Griggs throws some punches before going completely out. Total domination by Travis Browne.
Browne looks into the camera and asks us: “A submission? A SUBMISSION? THAT’S a submission.” Yes it is, Travis. Yes. It. Is.
Travis Browne def. Chad Griggs via submission (arm-triangle choke), 2:29 of Round One.
Looks like my work here is done. Enjoy the main card.
Even if you weren’t glued to your Twitter account last night, you still had plenty of MMA news to keep yourself entertained. From a middleweight and lightweight tournament to a post-fight brawl to a referee ignoring a fighter’s cornermen throwing in the towel, there were plenty of things to talk about. All of these story lines came from Bellator 66 last night in Cleveland, Ohio.
While this season hasn’t been a stranger to dangerously late stoppages, last night’s main event, a rematch between former Bellator lightweight champion Eddie Alvarez and Shinya Aoki, provided one worthy of mention in our worst referee blunders roundtable. Alvarez dropped Aoki early, and although he initially seemed hesitant to jump into Aoki’s guard, Alvarez unloaded some heavy punches that almost immediately put Aoki out cold. When the referee in charge, Jerry Krzys, didn’t stop the fight Aoki’s cornermen threw their towel into the cage. Of course, everyone knows that “throwing in the towel” is just an expression for giving up, and not a sign that the fighter’s cornermen actually believe that the fight should be stopped, right? No? Well then someone should have explained that to Jerry Krzys, who allowed the fight to continue for a few more seconds before stopping the action.
After the fight, Alvarez had a very simple question for Bellator, and an equally simple follow up request: “Bjorn Rebney where you at? Show me the money.” Of course, if Bellator can’t- or isn’t willing to- comply with that request, something tells us that the UFC will.
Even if you weren’t glued to your Twitter account last night, you still had plenty of MMA news to keep yourself entertained. From a middleweight and lightweight tournament to a post-fight brawl to a referee ignoring a fighter’s cornermen throwing in the towel, there were plenty of things to talk about. All of these story lines came from Bellator 66 last night in Cleveland, Ohio.
While this season hasn’t been a stranger to dangerously late stoppages, last night’s main event, a rematch between former Bellator lightweight champion Eddie Alvarez and Shinya Aoki, provided one worthy of mention in our worst referee blunders roundtable. Alvarez dropped Aoki early, and although he initially seemed hesitant to jump into Aoki’s guard, Alvarez unloaded some heavy punches that almost immediately put Aoki out cold. When the referee in charge, Jerry Krzys, didn’t stop the fight Aoki’s cornermen threw their towel into the cage. Of course, everyone knows that “throwing in the towel” is just an expression for giving up, and not a sign that the fighter’s cornermen actually believe that the fight should be stopped, right? No? Well then someone should have explained that to Jerry Krzys, who allowed the fight to continue for a few more seconds before stopping the action.
After the fight, Alvarez had a very simple question for Bellator, and an equally simple follow up request: ”Bjorn Rebney where you at? Show me the money.” Of course, if Bellator can’t- or isn’t willing to- comply with that request, something tells us that the UFC will.
The evening’s co-main event saw a wild back-and-forth brawl between Bellator newcomer Andreas Spang and Brian Rogers. Rogers appeared to have Spang in trouble early, but slipped while attempting a head kick. Spang immediately took Rogers’ back and attempted a rear-naked choke, but Rogers fought his way out of it and attempted a choke of his own as the first round came to an end. Rogers continued to control the fight throughout the second round, yet got caught by Spang with a left hook that shut his lights out.
After the fight, Spang was face-to-face with the other middleweight tournament finalist, Maiquel Falcao. As evident by the way that he pushed Brian Rogers at the weigh-ins before the fight, Andreas Spang does not like when other people get in his face. Spang responded to the way that bitch looked at me wrong with a shove (naturally). Falcao faked a punch before throwing a knee of his own as Bellator officials, including commentator Jimmy Smith, separated the middleweights. It wasn’t so much a brawl as an awkward post fight staredown gone wrong, but sometimes these things happen in MMA journalism.
Naturally, Maiquel Falcao made it past Vyacheslav Vasilevsky, although it was a far closer fight than most people anticipated it being. Vasilevsky started out strong, using his judo to keep Falcao on his back throughout the first round. However, Falcao managed to take down Vasilevsky towards the end of the second round, and owned the third round with his superior striking.
Elsewhere on the card, lightweights Rick Hawn and Brent Weedman advanced to the finals of this season’s lightweight tournament. Hawn outstruck Lloyd Woodard en route to a second round TKO, while Weedman defeated Thiago Michel Pereira Silva by split decision. Weedman winning on 4/20, eh? I’m sure I’d be the first person to make a joke about that, but I chose not to.
Full Results
Main Card:
Eddie Alvarez def. Shinya Aoki via first-round TKO
Andreas Spang def. Brian Rogers via second-round TKO
Maiquel Falco def. Vyacheslav Vasilevsky via unanimous decision (29-28 x3)
Rick Hawn def. Lloyd Woodard via second-round TKO
Brent Weedman def. Thiago Michel Pereira Silva via split decision (29-28, 28-29, 29-28)
Preliminary Card:
Jessica Eye def. Anita Rodriguez via unanimous decision (30×27 x 3)
Julian Lane def. Joe Heiland via submission (guillotine)
Frank Caraballo def. Donny Walker via fourth-round KO
John Hawk def. Marcus Vanttinen via split decision (30-27, 28-29, 29-28)
Attila Vegh def. Dan Spohn via split decision (29-28, 28-29, 30-27)
This week’s episode essentially begins with Coach Dominick Cruz lambasting last week’s losing fighter Chris Tickle. Faber gloats after his team’s second consecutive win.
“Cruz is trying to hold it together but he’s a poor loser. I know. I beat him before.” Oh snap.
Sure enough, Cruz appears to be losing it. “We had one thing to do; stuff the takedown,” Cruz tells Tickle in the locker room immediately after his submission loss to Joe Proctor. “We were telling you in the corner, turn you back to the mat. He didn’t have the choke in…that loss shouldn’t have happened.”
Then Tickle tries to say something. Cruz responds, “shut up and listen.”
Cruz continues to lecture Tickle outside of their locker room. Faber notices this and shouts out to Chris, “Great job, Tickle. You did good. Don’t let anybody get you down. Don’t let anybody get you down.”
Cruz loses it. “Faber, nobody cares what you have to say. Just get out of here,” he says. Then Cruz proceeds to insult Faber’s fashion sense. Really.
On to this week’s matchup – Team Cruz’ Vinc Pincel vs. Team Faber’s John Cofer. Faber offers simple advice to the former division I wrestler Cofer. “Weather the storm. When he comes in hard, go for the takedown.”
Faber says that he feels that Pincel has terrible takedown defense. Let’s see if Pincel makes him a liar.
This week’s episode essentially begins with Coach Dominick Cruz lambasting last week’s losing fighter Chris Tickle. Faber gloats after his team’s second consecutive win.
“Cruz is trying to hold it together but he’s a poor loser. I know. I beat him before.” Oh snap.
Sure enough, Cruz appears to be losing it. “We had one thing to do; stuff the takedown,” Cruz tells Tickle in the locker room immediately after his submission loss to Joe Proctor. “We were telling you in the corner, turn you back to the mat. He didn’t have the choke in…that loss shouldn’t have happened.”
Then Tickle tries to say something. Cruz responds, “shut up and listen.”
Cruz continues to lecture Tickle outside of their locker room. Faber notices this and shouts out to Chris, “Great job, Tickle. You did good. Don’t let anybody get you down. Don’t let anybody get you down.”
Cruz loses it. “Faber, nobody cares what you have to say. Just get out of here,” he says. Then Cruz proceeds to insult Faber’s fashion sense. Really.
On to this week’s matchup – Team Cruz’ Vinc Pincel vs. Team Faber’s John Cofer. Faber offers simple advice to the former division I wrestler Cofer. “Weather the storm. When he comes in hard, go for the takedown.”
Faber says that he feels that Pincel has terrible takedown defense. Let’s see if Pincel makes him a liar.
Then the time comes when we realize that Andy Ogle is perhaps too earnest for the TUF mansion.
Back at the house, Ogle shadow fights in the yard as Sam Sicilia and Justin Lawrence watch on.
As Ogle throws punches and feints shots, he talks to himself. “There’s tough guys in this house. I’m a tough guy. This house will make me tougher,” he says.
Sam says, “ I feel like some guys are going to start to break down.”
In earlier weeks Ogle shared poetry that he appeared to have written about his girlfriend back home. After a rough night, he decides to share more.
“I decided to stretch and meditate for a bit because I had one of the worst nightmares I’ve ever had,” he tells Sam and Justin. Lawrence, the little shit, replies, “Oh really? Do you wanna share or no?”
Ogle, maybe detecting zero judgment in Lawrence’s obviously caustic words says, “Yeah go on now, I’ll share. I dreamt that my girlfriend had been murdered . It was like these woods and shit, like it was in the papers, police were around and everything and then I just fucking woke up.”
Sam and Justin look like they are about to crack up as Ogle talks. They seem surprised at Ogle’s forthrightness.
It should be noted, though it has gotten little to no air time on TUF telecasts, fighters in the house having reoccurring nightmares while living there during seasons, has been very common over the years, I’ve been told.
“Things build up in this house and sometimes if you think too much your mind can start playing games on you,” Ogle says.
Ogle’s mental state continues to be a factor in practice when he appears to have a panic attack.
“I can’t breathe, mate,” he tells Faber. “Physically I’m breaking down so mentally I’m breaking down,” Ogle later explains.
Faber tells Ogle to take the rest of the day off and rest. Ogle is preoccupied with what people back home in England will think of him.
“I don’t want to look like a little girl,” he tells Faber. To which the uber supportive California Kid responds, “You don’t feel like a little girl. You punched me right in the face, you felt like a man.”
“A man with a mangina,” Ogle laughs back.
Later in Cruz’ practice room, we learn that Pincel got his nickname “From Hell” from his mom. Cruz says that Vinc is an “animal.” The ensuing practice footage backs up that assertion.
Sam Sicilia seems to be having his own stress as well. After a tough practice Cruz goes to him and asks what is wrong. Sam reveals that he is feeling the pressure of being Cruz’ number two pick.
Cruz tells him that’s nonsense. “You’re here to get better. Keep it up. Don’t even stress this,” he says.
Turns out that Sam and Mike’s Team Purple thing is making others nervous. Since they are best friends from back home and on opposite teams now, will they spy for one another in practice?
Ogle , who has yet to fight, is freaking out at the idea that Mike could do just that if he gets paired with Sam. “Trust is a terrible thing. You can end up getting stabbed in the back,” Ogle says in his typical, chin-up, I’m auditioning for a Guy Ritchie film and I don’t even know it, fashion.
When Ogle confronts Mike with his concerns, Mike attempts to quash his fears. “It’s [Sam’s] job to figure it out,” he assures. He will not give his friend inside information on what Team Faber does in practice.
Faber talks of Cofer as a “solid all-around fighter,” and says that the gameplan is for him to “get the hell out of the way [of Pincel’s strikes] and take him down.”
_______
After weigh ins, where both Vinc and John make weight, UFC Prez Dana White comes in and addresses the fighters. This is the long-awaited sequel to Season 1’s “Do you want to be a fucking fighter” speech.
“You guys are one week away from being in the house longer than anyone else ever has,” White says, because of this season’s live format. “This is the time when you start to crack…remember why you are here. Rashad Evans fought on TUF in 2005. Look where he is today. There is a fucking light at the end of the fucking tunnel. There is a fucking pay-off when its all over. But now’s the point where you might say, ‘I want to be a fireman, this shit sucks.’ You’re going to come to the realization that this isn’t what I fucking want to do for a fucking living. And that’s cool, there’s nothing wrong with that. But for the people that know this is exactly what the fuck I want to do, suck it up, stick it out, do your training. And whether you win this fucking thing or you don’t, I promise you that you will be a better fucking fighter when you leave this place. You’ll be a better fucking man. You’ll be a completely different person. Believe me, shit will pay off for you in the end,” White concludes.
The fighters are clearly pumped from White’s pep talk and he all but gets a standing ovation. Gotta hand it to the guy, he knows how to promote and motivate. And curse. Dana White really knows how to curse well.
Fight time!
Rd 1
Cofer throws big first, an overhand left. Pincel counters with an uppercut. Cofer grabs a leg from a knee thrown by Pincel but his takedown attempt gets stuffed. Cofer storms in with another punch combo but Pincel stands him up with a counter left hook. Pincel lands a left jab right uppercut combo. Pincel with another uppercut counter. Inside leg kick from Cofer.
Pincel is swinging big but Cofer is using good footwork to circle out of danger. Cofer with a right uppercut left hand combo that lands. Cofer follows with a straight, uppercut combo that lands. Cofer catches a kick form Pincel, backs him up into the cage but doesn’t get the takedown. Pincel clips Cofer with a punch as a counter to a leg kick. Cofer lands a big uppercut, Pincel doesn’t flinch. Cofer shoots for a high takedown, doesn’t get it. Clinches again with Pincel, pushes against the cage and throws punches on separation, catching Vinc with one. Pincel is bloodied and comes out raging with 5 seconds left – landing a couple of hard punches.
Rd 2
Pincel is amped up strands right in front of Cofer. Cofer then stuns him with two straight punches down the middle. Pincel lands an uppercut that hurts Cofer, follows up with a knee. Cofer gets deep shot for a takedown in but Pincel defends once more. Cofer takes Pincel’s back against the cage standing, with no hooks in. Eventually Pincel circles out and escapes. Cofer lands an uppercut, Pincel rushes in, gets the clinch and throws knees to the body. Vinc pushes Cofer against the fence. Pincel drops down for a takedown and gets a power slam double.
Cofer shoots for a triangle, Pincel passes, lands in a reverse mount on Cofer’s chest but facing his legs. He stays there the rest of the fight, throwing body shots and keeping pressure on.
Draw, sudden victory third round is on!
Rd 3
Pincel comes out firing, Cofer is visibly tired but does a good job of covering up and throwing back. Still, Pincel pushes him backwards against the cage and gets another double leg takedown. From side mount, Pincel secures an arm triangle choke quickly and gets the tap out.
Team Cruz gets the hammer back.
Pincel says that “Cofer is a tough ass dude. I honestly thought I was going to pick him apart with shots but he got me. You can see [points to face]. When the game plan fails you go for broke.”
Anik says that the dream ends here for Cofer for like the second time in 15 seconds. Cofer tells him that is a “tough pill to swallow.”
Fight pick Time!
Sam Sicilia vs. Chris Saunders is on for next week. Ogle can rest easy for a lil more.
