Author: SethF

UFC 137 Aftermath: Nick Diaz Pulls a Nick Diaz, Retires BJ Penn


Business as usual. Props: MMAFighting.com

Let’s get the obvious out of the way as soon as possible: Last night’s UFC 137 was nothing that it was supposed to be. The odds of things playing out as they were supposed to with this card were slim from the beginning, with Nick Diaz compromising the initial main event with his decision to no-show press week and GSP having to withdraw from his match with Carlos Condit. But at least we could rest assured that BJ Penn would deliver some karma to Nick Diaz in the form of a quick beating, right?

Throughout the first round of last night’s main event, it looked that way. BJ Penn’s counter striking proved too much for Diaz early on, as Penn outworked the Strikeforce champion, managing a takedown as well. But by the second round, Nick Diaz came back to take complete control of the fight. His better conditioning allowed him to keep Penn against the cage and unleash strikes at will. By the third round, BJ Penn’s defense was completely ineffective, as Nick Diaz continued to batter Penn. With his eleventh straight victory, Nick Diaz looks as ready for Georges St. Pierre as anyone has in a while. The bout also earned both men the 75k Fight of the Night honors.

Perhaps BJ Penn was just pulling a Jamie Varner last night, and announcing his retirement out of frustration. But if he wasn’t, it’s hard to argue against his decision. BJ Penn is 1-3-1 in his last five fights, with his sole victory coming over the recently retired Matt Hughes. If it wasn’t clear from his draw against Jon Fitch that he would never be a champion in the UFC again, it became pretty obvious after watching him gas out and get picked apart last night. Penn’s legacy can’t improve at this point, but it can certainly diminish with more losses to contenders in the UFC. He’s making the right move by retiring; let’s just see if he actually sticks to it.


Business as usual. Props: MMAFighting.com

Let’s get the obvious out of the way as soon as possible: Last night’s UFC 137 was nothing that it was supposed to be. The odds of things playing out as they were supposed to with this card were slim from the beginning, with Nick Diaz compromising the initial main event with his decision to no-show press week and GSP having to withdraw from his match with Carlos Condit. But at least we could rest assured that BJ Penn would deliver some karma to Nick Diaz in the form of a quick beating, right?

Throughout the first round of last night’s main event, it looked that way. BJ Penn’s counter striking proved too much for Diaz early on, as Penn outworked the Strikeforce champion, managing a takedown as well. But by the second round, Nick Diaz came back to take complete control of the fight. His better conditioning allowed him to keep Penn against the cage and unleash strikes at will. By the third round, BJ Penn’s defense was completely ineffective, as Nick Diaz continued to batter Penn. With his eleventh straight victory, Nick Diaz looks as ready for Georges St. Pierre as anyone has in a while. The bout also earned both men the 75k Fight of the Night honors.

Perhaps BJ Penn was just pulling a Jamie Varner last night, and announcing his retirement out of frustration. But if he wasn’t, it’s hard to argue against his decision. BJ Penn is 1-3-1 in his last five fights, with his sole victory coming over the recently retired Matt Hughes. If it wasn’t clear from his draw against Jon Fitch that he would never be a champion in the UFC again, it became pretty obvious after watching him gas out and get picked apart last night. Penn’s legacy can’t improve at this point, but it can certainly diminish with more losses to contenders in the UFC. He’s making the right move by retiring; let’s just see if he actually sticks to it.

It’s never fun when a fight that is supposed to deliver fireworks comes up short. What else is there to really say about Matt Mitrione vs. Cheick Kongo? The fight that was supposed to deliver a quick, exciting finish was decided by Cheick’s efforts to secure takedowns in the third round after two rounds of lackluster action. Excuse us if we sound cynical, but where exactly does Cheick Kongo go from here? He hasn’t lost since his first round submission to Frank Mir at UFC 107, but to imply that he should be given a contender at heavyweight seems a bit ridiculous. Likewise, Matt Mitrione is now 5-1, and returns to the lower end of the middle of the pack at heavyweight.

Roy Nelson’s physique may not have improved as drastically as some expected, but he seemed to be taking his career much more seriously in his fight with Mirko Filipovic. In a sentence we never thought we’d type, Nelson used his conditioning (?!) to outlast the PRIDE legend en route to a third round TKO. It’s a welcome change of pace from the Roy Nelson we were accustomed to seeing. It’s hard to imagine that Cro Cop isn’t retiring for real this time after watching him lose last night. We would write more about this, but Cro Cop has been talking about retirement for so long that it’s hard to say more than “Thanks for the memories” at this point.

In other action, Scott Jorgensen earned a unanimous decision over Jeff Curran, while Hatsu Hioki picked up a controversial split decision over George Roop. Perhaps it was Octagon jitters, perhaps it was jet lag, perhaps it was Japanese fighters being overrated to begin with or perhaps it was a combination of the three, but Hatsu Hioki’s UFC debut left a lot to be desired from him. Also of note, Submission of the Night honors went to Donald Cerrone for his first round rear naked choke over Dennis Siver. Regardless of what you think of Cerrone outside of the cage, the guy is on an absolute tear in the lightweight division, easily handling Siver on his way to the early stoppage. Also, Bart Palaszewski picked up Knockout of the Night honors with his KO over Tyson Griffin. Griffin entered the fight losing three of his last four, showed up three pounds overweight, and got knocked out in the first round. Excuse us for pointing out the obvious, but his walking papers are more than likely on the way.

Full results, courtesy of MMAFighting.com:

 Main card
Nick Diaz def. BJ Penn via unanimous decision
Cheick Kongo def. Matt Mitrione via unanimous decision
Roy Nelson def. Mirko Cro Cop via third-round TKO
Scott Jorgensen def. Jeff Curran via unanimous decision
Hatsu Hioki def. George Roop via split decision

Preliminary card
Donald Cerrone def. Dennis Siver via submission (rear-naked choke)
Bart Palaszewski def. Tyson Griffin via first-round KO
Brandon Vera def. Eliot Marshall via unanimous decision
Ramsey Nijem def. Danny Downes via unanimous decision
Francis Carmont def. Chris Camozzi via unanimous decision
Clifford Starks def. Dustin Jacoby via unanimous decision

Ask the Potato: Bellator, Nick Diaz and More Elevator Etiquette


Even a broken potato is right twice a day.

Admit it: You thought the return of Ask the Potato would be one and done. You thought there’d be no way we could stick to a feature for two Saturdays in a row. Shame on you for having such little faith in us. Not only have we actually put together a new edition of Ask the Potato, but we’ve even reached out to our Twitter account for a question this week. It’s called “progress”, people. So let’s get to it, shall we?

Questions and answers are after the jump.


Even a broken potato is right twice a day.

Admit it: You thought the return of Ask the Potato would be one and done. You thought there’d be no way we could stick to a feature for two Saturdays in a row. Shame on you for having such little faith in us. Not only have we actually put together a new edition of Ask the Potato, but we’ve even reached out to our Twitter followers for a question this week. It’s called “progress”, people. So let’s get to it, shall we?

@SLTribMMA asks: @cagepotatomma I look at the Bellator non-title fights as a way to keep the champ from getting too much ring rust. What do you propose?

The easy answer is to simply put the belt on the line during these superfights that Bellator books for its champions. Nothing else has to change. Sure, it takes significance away from the tournament, but let’s face it- some guys don’t need to prove themselves worthy of a title shot by winning the tournament (Jay Hieron specifically comes to mind). Let them get an immediate crack at the champion, and save the tournament for the unknown, unproven talent.

The flaw with this solution is determining who qualifies for an immediate shot. Does Bellator give the immediate shot to the UFC veteran with an average record against elite competition (like Ben Saunders) or an impressive looking minor league prospect (like Douglas Lima)? To this we say, ask the BCS how hard it is to rank challengers from various leagues based on both record and level of competition. For that matter, anyone not named Lyoto Machida or Kenny Florian can tell you that any league without concrete fighter rankings will always have fans questioning their decisions when it comes to anointing a challenger. So cheer up, Murray.

Chri534 asks : If the whole press conference no-show thing didn’t happen and Diaz vs. St. Pierre & Condit vs. Penn were both still set to go, what would the UFC have done with Nick now that GSP got hurt?

It’s obvious that the UFC would try to cash in on their young steed’s abilities be it inside or outside of the cage. Dana would be pretty fucking stupid not to take advantage of Diaz’s charisma and charm by placing him alongside Goldberg and Rogan in the announcer’s booth. Upon his arrival halfway through the Mitrione-Kongo bout, Diaz would interrupt tired Goldyisms with gems such as “Kongo has been working a lot on his wrestl— fuck your mooooother!!!”. The only real loser in the deal? Jon Anik.

El Famous Burrito asks: iF you had to be stranded on a island with one current or former MMA fighter, who would it be? (Keep in mind, that he can choose to beat the shit out of you if you don’t get along).

Look, El, we don’t want to go all “Michael Bisping” on your ass, but seriously-“he”? Get real, playa .

Jesus Frijoles asks: So, BG gets into an elevator with Dana, how awkward would that ride be? What are the odds that the term douchebag would be used and who would throw it out there first?

We don’t know what floor they’re on or what floor they’re going to, but if Ben wants those press credentials back he’ll be going down.

zhmmvv asks: top sex service ,top girls. welcome to hxxp://url7.me/kVh4

We get asked this a lot, actually. We have an answer, but it’s never enough, is it?

 

Skeletor asks: When you guys see Old Dad at all the prestigious MMA conferences and events you attend every year, does he act like old friends or just blow you off for his more popular friends?

When we go to all the prestigious MMA conferences and events?  You haven’t been here long, have you, Skeletor?

That about wraps it up for this week. Tune in next week as we answer even more of your (hopefully at least kind of) MMA related questions. You know the drill: You can send us questions through our Facebook page. You can tweet them to our Twitter account. You can register for our forums and post your questions there. Or you can just post them in the comments section of this article. Not to rub it in to our loyal Facebook fans, but you’re the only medium we haven’t picked a worthy question from yet. So, you know, you should probably ask us some better questions. Just saying. Annnnnddddddddd GO!

CagePotato Ban: Having Your Champion Fight in Non-Title Fights


Remember: The real champion is the guy on the right. Seriously. Both images via Sherdog.

For those of you who haven’t noticed, Bellator’s Light-heavyweight champion Christian M’Pumbu lost his non-title super fight against journeyman Travis Wiuff on Saturday night. Yes, a champion actually lost one of those super fights that are supposed to show the general public how badass he is. Now that we’ve had an additional twenty four hours to digest the incident since we first reported it yesterday, let’s put the fight into perspective: Wiuff decisively beat Bellator’s light-heavyweight champion, Christian M’Pumbu, in a light-heavyweight fight under the Bellator banner on Saturday night. For his efforts, he has more than likely earned a slot in next season’s light-heavyweight tournament. If he wins said tournament, his reward will be a title shot against the best light-heavyweight in Bellator, Christian M’Pumbu. You know, the guy he just defeated Saturday night.

Wait, what the fucking what?

Having your champion fight in non-title super fights is a dubious idea in the first place. We’ve seen other organizations employ it before with less than spectacular results. Now that the worst case scenario played out at Bellator 55, it’s officially time to give this idea the ban that it deserves.

There are three main reasons why:


Remember: The real champion is the guy on the right. Seriously. Both images via Sherdog.

For those of you who haven’t noticed, Bellator’s Light-heavyweight champion Christian M’Pumbu lost his non-title super fight against journeyman Travis Wiuff on Saturday night. Yes, a champion actually lost one of those super fights that are supposed to show the general public how badass he is. Now that we’ve had an additional twenty four hours to digest the incident since we first reported it yesterday, let’s put the fight into perspective: Wiuff decisively beat Bellator’s light-heavyweight champion, Christian M’Pumbu, in a light-heavyweight fight under the Bellator banner on Saturday night. For his efforts, he has more than likely earned a slot in next season’s light-heavyweight tournament. If he wins said tournament, his reward will be a title shot against the best light-heavyweight in Bellator, Christian M’Pumbu. You know, the guy he just defeated Saturday night.

Wait, what the fucking what?

Having your champion fight in non-title super fights is a dubious idea in the first place. We’ve seen other organizations employ it before with less than spectacular results. Now that the worst case scenario played out at Bellator 55, it’s officially time to give this idea the ban that it deserves.

There are three main reasons why:

You’re setting the fight up for mediocrity. The purpose of these non-title fights is to showcase how dominant the champion can be, yet they are inherently designed to do the exact opposite. As Overeem vs. Werdum taught us, putting your organization’s champion in non-title fights is a recipe for mediocrity because the champion has next to nothing to lose, while the challenger has next to nothing to gain. Aside from the L on his record, what did Christian M’Pumbu have to lose on Saturday night? No matter what the outcome, he’d still be the Bellator Light-heavyweight champion. He’d still get the exact same amount of time off before his next fight. That said fight would still be against the winner of next season’s tournament. He couldn’t move down in Bellator’s rankings with a loss, because he’d still be their champion regardless.

For that matter, what does the challenger have to gain in these fights? A potential title shot, which is nothing he can’t already earn from a victory against a lesser fighter in the organization. Can you really expect either fighter to take the fight as seriously as a title fight? Of course not, which explains why most champions do just enough to win without getting injured during these non-title fights. Believe it or not, unmotivated champion plus challenger with nothing significant to gain is not the formula for a memorable fight.

It’s usually a blatant admission of a squash fight. Can someone explain to me how a victory over Kalib Starnes set up Falaniko Vitale for a fight with Hector Lombard? Better yet, how did a 0-1 record in Bellator put Ryan Roberts across the cage from Bantamweight champion Zach Makovsky? Neither fighter posed any threat to the champion at all whatsoever, as evident by how Hector Lombard toyed with Vitale before knocking him out in the third round and by Makovsky’s first round north-south choke over Roberts. It’s almost like promoters know this when they book these non-title fights with their champions. Oh yeah, the betting lines when champions are involved in non-title fights usually hint at this, too.

As a promoter, it is your job to match your champions up with the best talent available. It’s one thing to allow an up and coming prospect to crush some cans to pad his record, but your organization’s champion has to fight the best, most deserving fighters in order for the belt to mean anything. By the very nature of having somebody fight your champion, you’re telling the fans that he is the best fighter available. But by refusing to put the title on the line, you’re essentially admitting the opposite- that the challenger has no business standing across the cage from the champion. The bottom line is that if the challenger can pull off the upset against the champion, he deserves to be rewarded with the organization’s title. If you don’t want to risk the challenger becoming your organization’s champion- for whatever reason- then don’t book him to fight the champion. Besides…

The fans will consider the winner to be the rightful champion regardless. Those of us who aren’t ashamed to admit to watching some pro wrasslin’ back in the day can tell you: In order to be the man, you gotta beat the man. I’ll wait for you all to “WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” before I continue.

After watching Christian M’Pumbu get bullied by Travis Wiuff for the majority of their fight on Saturday night, does anyone actually consider the guy to be the best light-heavyweight in Bellator? Of course not, unless we’re going with the John Wooden mentality that M’Pumbu was on his way to winning the fight but ran out of time (we’re not). So then how can anyone not consider Travis Wiuff the rightful champion? He beat the man. He beat the fighter that Bellator proudly declared to be the best fighter at light-heavyweight. If we’re going along with the mentality that being the organization’s light-heavyweight champion means you’re the best light-heavyweight in the organization, we simply can’t call Christian M’Pumbu the rightful champion after losing a light-heavyweight fight. And if we aren’t going with that mentality, then what’s the point of naming a champion?

I don’t want to end on a sour note for Bellator. I like Bellator. They put on some great, exciting fights. But Bjorn Rebney: I know you read CagePotato. Your promotion is better than this whole “champions in non-title fights” stuff. With your help, we can send this preposterous idea to the YAMMA Pit of Misfit Toys where it belongs.

-Seth Falvo

Bellator 55 Recap: Dantas to meet Vila, Controversy Ensues

Vila vs. Galvao, part one. Part two is after the jump. All videos in this post via YouTube.com/BFCLUB

Last night’s Bellator 55 in Yuma, Arizona, didn’t have the quick finishes of last week’s card, but still left fans in attendance with some interesting, if not controversial, fights. In case you couldn’t tell by the headline, the bantamweight tournament semifinals gave us Eduardo Dantas vs. Alexis Vila as the bantamweight tournament finale. Yet both fights seemed to involve controversial decisions made by the judges.

In the main event of the evening, WEC veteran Marcos Galvao took on Alexis Vila, who you may remember as the guy that practically zombified Joe Warren in the bantamweight quarterfinals. In an extremely fast paced fight, Galvao seemed to land more strikes, and as the fight went on, stuff Vila’s takedown attempts. However, the strikes that Vila landed seemed much harder. The judges gave the fight to Alexis Vila, which warranted boos from those in attendance. Watch the fight and judge for yourself whether or not the boos were justifiable.


Vila vs. Galvao, part one. Part two is after the jump. All videos in this post via YouTube.com/BFCLUB

Last night’s Bellator 55 in Yuma, Arizona, didn’t have the quick finishes of last week’s card, but still left fans in attendance with some interesting, if not controversial, fights. In case you couldn’t tell by the headline, the bantamweight tournament semifinals gave us Eduardo Dantas vs. Alexis Vila as the bantamweight tournament finale. Yet both fights seemed to involve controversial decisions made by the judges.

In the main event of the evening, WEC veteran Marcos Galvao took on Alexis Vila, who you may remember as the guy that practically zombified Joe Warren in the bantamweight quarterfinals. In an extremely fast paced fight, Galvao seemed to land more strikes, and as the fight went on, stuff Vila’s takedown attempts. However, the strikes that Vila landed seemed much harder. The judges gave the fight to Alexis Vila, which warranted boos from those in attendance. Watch the fight and judge for yourself whether or not the boos were justifiable.


Vila vs. Galvao, part two.

Likewise, Eduardo Dundas stayed very active, pushing the pace for the entire fight during his bout with season three bantamweight tournament finalist Ed West. Dundas ended up getting the decision, but one judge saw the fight for West. We have yet to confirm whether or not that judge confused West with Dundas. And yes, we have videos below so you can judge for yourself.

Also of note, Bellator Light-heavyweight Champion Christian M’Pumbu was involved in a non-title fight with YAMMA Pit Fighting champion Travis Wiuff. M’Pumbu, who doesn’t cut weight for his fights, spent the first two rounds on his back, being overpowered by the much larger Wiuff. While M’Pumbu managed to almost finish Wiuff in the third round, it wasn’t enough, as Wiuff defeated M’Pumbu. While Travis Wiuff doesn’t get the title for his efforts, it’s safe to say the man has earned a spot in next season’s light-heavyweight tournament. This marks the first non-title superfight in Bellator where the champion has lost to the challenger. Also, lightweight prospect RicardoTirloni earned the main card’s only finish by quickly choking out Steve Gable. Tirloni improves to 14-1 with the victory.

Full results, courtesy of Pro MMA Now:

MAIN CARD (MTV2):
Alexis Vila def. Marcos Galvao by split decision (27-30, 29-28, 29-28)
Eduardo Dantas def. Ed West by split decision (29-28, 28-29, 30-27)
Travis Wiuff def. Christian M’Pumbu by unanimous decision (30-27, 29-28, 29-28)
Ricardo Tirloni def. Steve Gable by submission (rear-naked choke) Rd 2 (3:54)

PRELIMINARY CARD (Spike.com):

Richard Hale def. Carlos Flores by knockout (punch) Rd 1 (:18)
Kobe Ortiz def. Edgar Garcia by knockout (punch) Rd 1 (4:06)
Erin Beach def. Roscoe Jackson by submission (rear-naked choke) Rd 1 (3:52)
Jade Porter def. Nick Piedmont by unanimous decision (29-28, 30-27, 30-27)
Steve Steinbeiss def. Dano Moore by submission (rear-naked choke) Rd 1 (4:52)

Dantas vs West, parts one and two

 

 

Video Roundup: Varner Smashes Jolly, Daley Defeats Fioravanti

Jamie Varner vs. Nate Jolly. Video Props: IronforgesIron.com

In a move that would make Brett Favre proud, Jamie Varner has come out of retirement less than one month after retiring. Last night at XFC 14, Jamie Varner made his comeback fight (?) against 10-3 Tennessee prospect “Ladies Love” Nate Jolly. Seriously, that’s what the guy calls himself. And you thought we were delusional about our sex lives.

Before the fight, Jamie Varner told MMAFighting.com, “I know this guy is a very, very beatable guy. I’m bigger, I’m faster, I’m better in every position. I’m not too worried about what he brings to the table. If I go in there and perform to even half what I’m capable of, I should walk away with the W.” As you can see from the fight video, Jamie Varner was actually being pretty humble while assessing his opponent’s skills. After putting up nothing resembling a fight, Jolly was taken down and knocked out by the first punches that Varner landed.

It’s good to have you back, Jamie- even if most fans hadn’t even noticed that you left.


Jamie Varner vs. Nate Jolly. Video Props: IronforgesIron.com

In a move that would make Brett Favre proud, Jamie Varner has come out of retirement less than one month after retiring. Last night at XFC 14, Jamie Varner made his comeback fight (?) against 10-3 Tennessee prospect “Ladies Love” Nate Jolly. Seriously, that’s what the guy calls himself. And you thought we were delusional about our sex lives.

Before the fight, Jamie Varner told MMAFighting.com, “I know this guy is a very, very beatable guy. I’m bigger, I’m faster, I’m better in every position. I’m not too worried about what he brings to the table. If I go in there and perform to even half what I’m capable of, I should walk away with the W.” As you can see from the fight video, Jamie Varner was actually being pretty humble while assessing his opponent’s skills. After putting up nothing resembling a fight, Jolly was taken down and knocked out by the first punches that Varner landed.

It’s good to have you back, Jamie- even if most fans hadn’t even noticed that you left.

In other action, Paul Daley followed up on his impressive pre-fight trolling of the MMA media with a less impressive unanimous decision victory over fellow UFC castoff Luigi “The Italian Tank” Fioravanti at last night’s Ringside MMA 12. Daley had Fioravanti in trouble numerous times during the fight, but was unable to finish the American Top Team prospect. Daley told fans after the fight that he planned on taking some time away from competition. Considering that he’s fought seven times in the past year, I can’t exactly say I blame him.

Paul Daley vs. Luigi Fioravanti. Video Props: IronforgesIron.com
 

So what impressed you the most last night? Varner’s quick thrashing of a local prospect? Daley’s victory against a competent opponent? Varner’s haircut? Daley’s troll job? Or perhaps it’s just the amount of questions I crammed into this paragraph.

 

Ask the Potato: Don Frye, Mustaches and Potato Sutra


It’s good to be back.

After days of anticipation, Ask the Potato is finally back and as credible as ever. The deepest thinkers among us have emerged with a series of questions- some of which even came in the form of complete sentences, with question marks and everything. The rest of you? Well, you at least tried to have a coherent thought, right? And even though the thought doesn’t count, you’re still special to us. So, without further delay, the triumphant return of Ask the Potato awaits after the jump.


It’s good to be back.

After days of anticipation, Ask the Potato is finally back and as credible as ever. The deepest thinkers among us have emerged with a series of questions- some of which even came in the form of complete sentences, with question marks and everything. The rest of you? Well, you at least tried to have a coherent thought, right? And even though the thought doesn’t count, you’re still special to us. So, without further delay, the triumphant return of Ask the Potato awaits after the jump.

El Famous Burrito asks:  Let’s say you and Don Frye are in an elevator together, and a whole bunch of women get on at the next floor. Frye rips a nasty fart and you notice, but when the ladies notice he blames it on you. Do you say anything, or just let it slide?

Answer:  We’d always just assumed that Don Frye’s gas was toxic, but we’ll honor the spirit of the question. Whether we man up or play the punk role comes down to one simple factor: How drunk is Don at the time? He doesn’t exactly have a great record in intoxicated elevator fights.

Dibs asks: Who would you rather have…Arianny or Brittney? That’s a tough choice. I think I would have to pick Brittney, she looks a little dirtier if you know what I mean.

Answer:  We’re here to answer questions, Dibs, not break hearts, but if you must know, it’s Brittney for two key reasons:

1) According to some sources, we’ve already screwed Arianny.

2) Sorry, but we’re not following up Tiki, no matter how much of a prude he may be.

RwilsonR asks:  Is Anderson Silva’s new obsession with Justin Bieber just him taking his Michael Jackson impersonation too far?

Answer:  We’ve heard that Silva is looking into acquiring the bones of Helio Gracie and a chimpanzee companion, so…maybe?

noahnasty asks:  Who’s gonna be UFC champion in every division, including the flywieghts, at the end of 2012?

Answer:  It’s easy to hold onto the belt a little bit longer when you’re sitting on the shelf, which was the M.O. for UFC champs this past year, but we’ve also got some established title holders that aren’t likely to be going anywhere for awhile. Assuming that each champ defends his belt at least twice next year, we see it playing out like this:

Joseph Benavidez, Dominick Cruz, Chad Mendes, Gil Melendez, GSP, Anderson Silva, Jon Jones, Junior Dos Santos.

Call your bookie and lock it in. Do it. No, seriously, do it.

KarmaAteMyCat asks: What color should I dye my mustache for Movember?

Answer: You should do half pink, half purple and just dare a motherfucker to call you gay.

skeletor asks: If each of the columnists on CP were sex positions who would be what. Please explain.

Answer: Ben doesn’t care about the position. He just wants to be fucked worse than he’s ever been fucked before. Mike Russell would be missionary because it’s the most classy, polite position, and he’s easily the most classy, polite person on this website. And judging by the way that Matt Kaplan shamelessly plows through liveblogs, he’d be the jackhammer.

Now, let’s let the rest of these jokers answer your question in their own words:

Danga: Without question The Alligator Fuckhouse.

ReX13: I’m “lazy dog“, but I didn’t think anyone would want to know.

Jason Moles: The Body Builder – Cuz that’s how I roll

Chris Colemon: Front dick, back dick, side check dick, all of that.

Seth Falvo: I’d be the Little Jack Hornher, because that’s just how you spell “classy”.

Well, that about wraps it up for this week. Tune in next week as we answer even more of your (hopefully at least kind of) MMA related questions. Just as last time, you can send us questions through our Facebook page. You can tweet them to our Twitter account. You can register for our forums and post your questions there. Or you can just post them in the comments section of this article. If we didn’t get to your question this time around, look on the bright side: You have an entire week to come up with a better question. Get to it!