(Nothing says “tough guy” like fake muscles and a landing strip.)
By Shep Ramsey
Ah, professional wrestling. You blaze into our lives when MMA fails us, reminding everyone that sometimes, it’s totally okay to put on ridiculous matches with absurd stipulations and objectify women.
On second thought, we can’t even tell the difference between you both.
At least wrestling allows us to tune in and out, without the pressure of having to watch every single event. The reason we love pro wrestling so much is because, like David Wooderson says about high school girls in Dazed & Confused, we get older and they stay the same age.
If anything, pro wrestling has become more mature than its fanbase, despite the WWE’s PG-rating. One thing we have to deal with less are the bad costumes — painted-on gimmicks that were never going to work, no matter how hard they were forced down our throats.
Here are 15 of the most senseless and detestable costumes inflicted upon some good wrestlers, and some really bad ones.
15. The Goon
Guys like Tie Domi and Bob Probert were NHL sluggers in the mid-1990s, so maybe that explains The Goon’s odd inclusion into the world of pro wrestling. It would have been cool if this guy came to the ring in actual skates, instead of those platform boots that are mostly favored by goth teenagers and drag queens these days.
14. Rocky Maivia
He’s one of the most popular wrestlers to ever live and he could be the greatest of all-time, but unfortunately, Dwayne Johnson’s pre-Rock costume screams “lead role in a porn spoof of Braveheart.” Seriously, what in the name of Christ were the wardrobe specialists trying to do here? No wonder fans wanted him to die. Although when it’s all said and done, the joke’s on us for not making $44 million a year to star in a profusion of C-list movies.
13. Max Moon
Max Moon is a deleted scene from The Running Man.
12. Phantasio
The most frustrating thing about Phantasio was that his build could have led to something further down the road. I’m not sure he was a good wrestler, because I can’t really remember and the last thing I want to do is give him three minutes more of my time on YouTube, but had they ditched the Phantom of The Opera shtick, this guy could have, well, been someone else. He’s just so creepy, like someone who strangely appears at the end of your wet dream for absolutely no reason.
11. Shark Boy
When TNA wasn’t worse than a Friends spinoff, they were pretty fun to watch. One of their wrestlers, Shark Boy, had commenced his gimmick in the later stages of WCW (what better place to start) and thrived under the Tennessee-based company. He was more or less a really skinny dude who wore a shark mask and spandex that looked as if he was trying to be a shark. Never has a wrestler gone so far with a child’s dollar-store Halloween costume.