Tag: John Lineker

Fight Night 45: Cerrone vs. Miller — Liveblogging the Fights You Actually Care About


(Looks like McConaughey is still struggling to put that Dallas Buyers Club weight back on. Photo via Getty.)

‘Sup, Nation. Danga here. I’ll be handling liveblogging duties for tonight’s Fight Night 45: Cerrone vs. Miller card, and this is in no way influenced by the fact that I’ve been missing work the past couple of days due to a horrendous mix of consumption, rickets, and spina bifida (I have the same doctor as Tito Ortiz). Anyways, some of the fights on tonight’s card look entertaining enough. Some do not. I will be liveblogging the former. I’m not sure how many yet, but I’ll be sure to fill the dead air with whimsical musings and shower thought-worthy topics of discussion.

In the evening’s main event, veteran badasses Donald Cerrone and Jim Miller will likely engage in a Fight of the Night-earning effort. It will be described as both “sick” and “epic” by the experts on Twitter. Who you like in this fight may very well boil down to your stance on micro vs. mainstream beer — We all know Cerrone is a Budweiser fan, whereas Miller is not some shwill-sipping charlatan who lacks taste buds and therefore prefers his own brand of microbrew. Guess who I’m rooting for. Join me, maybe?


(Looks like McConaughey is still struggling to put that Dallas Buyers Club weight back on. Photo via Getty.)

‘Sup, Nation. Danga here. I’ll be handling liveblogging duties for tonight’s Fight Night 45: Cerrone vs. Miller card, and this is in no way influenced by the fact that I’ve been missing work the past couple of days due to a horrendous mix of consumption, rickets, and spina bifida (I have the same doctor as Tito Ortiz). Anyways, some of the fights on tonight’s card look entertaining enough. Some do not. I will be liveblogging the former. I’m not sure how many yet, but I’ll be sure to fill the dead air with whimsical musings and shower thought-worthy topics of discussion.

In the evening’s main event, veteran badasses Donald Cerrone and Jim Miller will likely engage in a Fight of the Night-earning effort. It will be described as both “sick” and “epic” by the experts on Twitter. Who you like in this fight may very well boil down to your stance on micro vs. mainstream beer — We all know Cerrone is a Budweiser fan, whereas Miller is not some shwill-sipping charlatan who lacks taste buds and therefore prefers his own brand of microbrew. Guess who I’m rooting for. Join me, maybe?

I should be honest with you Taters; I haven’t been absent for most of this week due to a combination of consumption, rickets, and spina bifida. I have, however, been locked in a three day battle of wills with Microsoft tech support that tested my will to live and resulted in no less than three racially-driven rants aimed at Indians.

I’m not racist, it’s just that I get frustrated when my source of income suddenly stops working and the person trying to explain to me what’s wrong with it speaks at 148 words/second through a headpiece that sounds more like a potato than a device used for human communication. I guess it’s more of a language barrier thing than a race thing. Glad I could clear that up for you.

I’m not going to play-by-play it, but Lucas Martins is about to knock the shit out of Alex White. It’s inevitable.

I was mistaken. Martins is fading fast.

Nevermind, I was right. Martins just blistered White with a right hand. White looked like he was trying to answer an imaginary phone call on the way down.

Back to my story, the worst part of which is that it wasn’t even a crucial part of my computer that started malfunctioning. Three days ago, my Microsoft Office suite shit the bed. All my documents, invoices, rough drafts of love letters I wrote in blood to Ellie Kemper, etc. gone. After several attempts to reinstall it, I call up Microsoft to see what the f*ck the deal is. They tell me that they’re going to need remote access to my computer to fix it, which is a concept that freaks me right the f*ck out, but whatever, I hand it over.

Actually, that’s not true. First they told me that the warranty on my Office suite had expired, because of course it had, and I could either pay $99 to fix the problem and receive a whole month’s coverage, or pay $150 to fix it and receive a year’s coverage. What a deal, Microsoft, you covetous whores! I bend over a barrel and pay the $150.

I guess John Lineker actually made weight for his fight with Alptekin Ozkilic, so what the hell, I’ll liveblog this one.

John Lineker vs. Alptekin Ozkilic 

Round 1: Lineker with a nice right to the body to start things off. Lineker with a right upstairs that sends Alpy (I’m calling him Alpy for short) back on his heels. Alpy with a shot and he gets Lineker’s back with one hook in. Alpy on top now in side control, then half guard. Alpy with an inside leg kick. They’re giving Alpy’s coach his own camera, as if we can’t already hear him in this empty arena. Nice right hand by Alpy, and Linker is coming up short. Nice leg kick by Alpy. After a wild exchange, Lineker shoots and gets Alpy down for a second. Good round, but I’d probably give it to the Turkish Delight.

Round 2: Nice left hook by Alpy. Lineker is swinging wild, and lands a nice uppercut. Left hook Alpy. Pair of jabs for Lineker. Alpy’s left jhook is finding its mark all day. Starting to hate that I’m calling him Alpy, but there’s no turning back now. Like I’m going to type Ozkilic a million times in a row. Nice combo, then a leg kick from Lineker. Pair of body shots from Lineker that dig in deep. God damn does Lineker throw hard. Lineker is just ripping the torso of Alpy, who isn’t fazed in the slightest. Again with the coach cam. Right hand Lineker, then another overtop. Lineker ends with a takedown and a flurry and easily takes the round.

Round 3: Lineker firing away at the body to start. God damn this is a brawl, both men are just throwing everything. Alpy is hurt! Linker is all over him. Lineker stuffs a takedown and lands a counter left. Lineker is putting his jab right where it needs to be, not giving Alpy a second to breathe. Sickening smack signals another body shot for Lineker. Alpy is going to be pissing blood tomorrow morning, but he is one tough SOB. Body shot, body shot, and go figure, body shot by Lineker. Left hook Lineker. Alpy answers. Brutal body shot by Lineker, and these two continue to trade combos. Uppercut Lineker. Lineker with a left hook that sends Alpy crashing to the mat! It’s all over!

God damn, what a fight and what a finish. Glad I chose to liveblog it.

John Lineker def. Alptekin Özkiliç via TKO (punches), round 3, 4:51

My Microsoft Office story, pt. 3ish: They started working on my computer around 10 a.m. on Monday. Or maybe it was 9 a.m. I’ve been in the depths of an ether binge since they began, so the time has gotten away from me. Anyways, I figured it’ll take them 20 minutes, 40 minutes tops to fix an error that was likely caused by my own stupidity. For a guy who writes on the internet for a living, I am about as up-to-date on current technology as 1930’s photographer. I just upgraded to a smart phone last week for Christ’s sake.

Two hours later, no progress has been made. The same error message is popping up every time the tech support lady tries to reinstall Office, and eventually she tells me that my case is being “elevated.” Surely, she had found the extensive archives of amputee pornography stashed in my special downloads folder (I call it my “secure files area”) and was informing the FBI. I spend the night awaiting the red and blue sirens of a cruel and crooked justice system.

The next day, I schedule a callback for 4:30 p.m. I figure I can get most of my work done before then. But go figure, it’s a shit day for news and by the time 4:30 comes rolling around, I’ve done one article for CP, one for our partner site, Holy Taco, and one for Screenjunkies. I wanted to write a tribute to Angels in the Outfield, which turned 20 yesterday, but the time has come for today’s repairs and I am helpless to this buttfuckery.

I will not be liveblogging Salas vs. Proctor, if you haven’t guessed. It’s a pretty good scrap so far, though.

So I get a phone call from Microsoft Office, and it’s the same lady. Poonam, I believe her name is. I find this interesting, because her inability to fix my computer the day before and decision to elevate my status should have placed me in line for a more qualified software repair person, I figure. A man, more specifically.

Joe Proctor’s face appears to have lodged a golf ball into the side of his head between rounds, BTW. Is his coach Al Czervik? I do not know.

My thrilling recollection of the battle with Microsoft Office shall continue after Rick Story vs. Guy Without Wiki page.

Rick Story vs. Leonardo Mafra

Round 1: Story starts with a left. Four punch combo for Mafra and Story responds with a takedown. Sharp elbows from Story in the guard. Mafra’s open guard places a real emphasis on the “open” part. He gets to his feet and throws a knee from the clinch, only to immediately be taken back down by Story. This is going to be one of those fights where one guy (Mafra) will need to uncork a miracle combo in the brief moments he’ll be on his feet to win. Story pecking away from the top. Mafra gets to his feet with 30 seconds left, aaaaaaand he’s down.

Round 2: Nice left hook-body shot combo from Mafra, then a body kick. Story shoots on a deep single and gets it, but only temporarily. Story with a slam now and that’ll probably be it for Mafra this round. Story working a kimura, then gets the mount. Remember when Demian Maia squeezed himself a fresh glass of Horror Story Brain Juice? New band name, called i-Arm triangle Story! It’s dunzo.

Rick Story def. this Mafra character by arm-triangle, 2:12 of Round 2. 

Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom (Microsoft Offices),

So Poonam tells me that she needs to install some updates and that it’s going to take 3 hours at the minimum to do so. Fuck. Me.

I go for a run, get a haircut, start a grocery store soccer mom riot by announcing that Tom Brady has been spotted in the natural foods aisle (I live in Boston), and head home. It has been 2 hours and 15 minutes.

For the next four hours, I watch in horror as Poonam continues to fail in her fastidious trials to end my minute suffering. My computer reboots and shuts off, reboots and shuts off — a bigmouth bass gasping for air in the depleted cesspool that has become my existence. What can I do?-SHIT THE NEXT FIGHT’S STARTING ALREADY.

Evan Dunham vs. Edson Barboza

Round 1: They trade rights to start. Leg kick Barboza, and my leg just twitched. My leg. Left hand Dunham, who eats a counter left in return. Evan shoots but gets soundly denied. Dunham’s putting a ton into his shots. Brutal body kick crumples Dunham! A few follow up punches and that is it!

Replay shows that Edson was able to crush Dunham with his toe. His f*cking toe. I was going to say that the kick was very Rockhold vs. Philippou-esque, but I think I just witnessed the first TKO via scratchy toenails in UFC history.

Barboza def. Dunham via TKO, 3:06, round 1

It’s close to 10:30 by the time the updates finish. Poonam has long since left. I am a literal steam engine of fury. I shut down my computer and walk away, refusing to look back at it. As if the computer is somehow responsible for my woes. As if my EXTENSIVE ARCHIVES OF AMPUTEE PORNOGRAPHY aren’t probably the root cause of whatever virus/glitch is preventing Poonam from completing what should be a pedestrain installation of Microsoft f*cking Office.

They’re replaying the Smith vs. Duke fight from the prelims. Spoiler: Duke’s underwater-speed punches do not lead her to victory. I kid, Duke seems like a nice lady.

We set a callback time for 2 p.m the next day. This day. This is the third straight day of work required to fix my computer, if anyone’s counting. Now Poonam tells me she’s uninstalling, then reinstalling my entire Windows system. All this, for Microsoft Word and Excel.

It takes another four and a half hours for this process to finish. I have cleaned my entire apartment and beaten Halo 3 in that time. Poonam logs back in and attempts one. final. installation of the Office. The bar gets to its usual place (around 60%) and stops dead. It doesn’t move, but it hasn’t shown the error message yet either.

“It’s going to fail, Jared” I think to myself. “You know it’s going to fail. Error 1402. Something something contact Microsoft support. Go. F*ck. Yourself.”

But like that moment in Rescue Dawn when Christian Bale’s character first notices the rescue chopper and collapses to his knees in joy, the bar shoots all the way to 100%. I legitimately start crying, then punch myself in the leg and huff some duster, cause we all know cryin’s for pussies.

Main event time!

Donald Cerrone vs. Jim Miller

Donald Cerrone drinks Bud heavys and listens to Kid Rock. Jim Miller brews his own beer and listens to CCR. The better man is obvious here.

Round 1: Knee to the body by Cerrone. Left hook by Miller, then a body shot. Man, has MMA learned that body shots are awesome all of a sudden? Because that would be great. Miller with some more hard shots, and Cerrone looks a little stunned. Then again, he’s a notoriously slow starter. Miller with a left hand and gets it to the mat. Cerrone back to his feet. Right hand Cerrone. Miller responds and another big knee by Cowboy. Miller pushes Cerrone to the fence and throws some knees to Cerrone’s inner thigh. The takedown is immediately reversed by Cerrone. Miller has a small cut under his right eye. Now Cerrone’s looking for the takedown but can’t get it. Miller catches Cerrone coming in with a right. They slug it out till the bell.

Round 2: Straight left by Miller. Leg kick on the end of a combo for Miller, and Cerrone nails him right in the dick. Wait, what the fuck is Dan Miragliotta doing? He stops the fight then says it wasn’t a shot to the groin and continues it. What the shit was that? Cerrone searching for body kicks now, in any case. Miller’s still hurting from that body shot, but is swinging for the fences when Cerrone comes in for the kill. Takedown no good for Miller. Head kick Cerrone. Miller with an overhand left. Head kick Cerrone drops Miller! He’s down and out! Holy shit!

Donald Say-ro-neh just earned himself yet another performance bonus. As should everyone on this card, pretty much. Seriously, there were 9 finishes tonight, and six out of six on the main card. And on the one night I decide to liveblog.

Donald Cerrone def. Jim Miller via KO (head kick), 3:31 of Round 2

Am I saying that my battle with Microsoft tech support set into motion a chain of events that ended in the most exciting UFC card in some time? Yes, I am saying that.

You can doubt my ability to will an awesome night of fights into existence all you want, but right now, Microsoft Word is running on my computer. And I’m just staring at a blank page, soaking in its beautiful, mundane glory. All you haters can go flip.

To those of you who joined me for this trip into the mind of madness/occasional liveblog, I thank you. Goodnight, Tater Nation.

“Rumble” Returns to the UFC! Faces Phil Davis at UFC 172 in Baltimore

(Oh how we’ve missed you, old friend.)

Anthony Johnson‘s redemptive arch as a fighter is one on par with something typically reserved for a Hollywood movie. The hard-hitting Georgian was once the talk of the town at 170 lbs., lauded as easily the most dangerous potential challenger to Georges St. Pierre‘s throne and a mountain of a challenge for anyone in between. Problem was, Johnson suffered from what is now known as “Lineker’s Syndrome” — the inability to actually make weight for two consecutive bouts in the division he was supposedly competing in.

Johnson’s struggles on the scale seemed as if they would be a thing of the past when he announced that he would be moving up to middleweight, but lo, they only got worse. Johnson missed weight by a staggering 12 pounds for his middleweight debut against Vitor Belfort, was choked out in the first round at UFC 142, and promptly fired by the UFC.

Looking back now, it’s laughable and damn near inconceivable to picture “Rumble” as a welterweight. Once exiting the UFC, Johnson immediately moved up to light heavyweight, then heavyweight, scoring vicious knockouts of Jake Rosholt and DJ Linderman (see above) as well as a decision victory over Andrei Arlovski along the way. Most recently, Johnson dropped back to light heavyweight to violently KO Strikeforce veteran Mike Kyle at WSOF 8 (notice a pattern here?), his third successive win since signing with the WSOF back in 2012.

His weight issues finally behind him, Johnson’s hard work over the years will come to a head at UFC 172, when “Rumble” faces top light heavyweight prospect Phil Davis in a fight that will place the winner on the short list of title contenders.

Also on tap for UFC 172…


(Oh how we’ve missed you, old friend.)

Anthony Johnson‘s redemptive arch as a fighter is one on par with something typically reserved for a Hollywood movie. The hard-hitting Georgian was once the talk of the town at 170 lbs., lauded as easily the most dangerous potential challenger to Georges St. Pierre‘s throne and a mountain of a challenge for anyone in between. Problem was, Johnson suffered from what is now known as “Lineker’s Syndrome” — the inability to actually make weight for two consecutive bouts in the division he was supposedly competing in.

Johnson’s struggles on the scale seemed as if they would be a thing of the past when he announced that he would be moving up to middleweight, but lo, they only got worse. Johnson missed weight by a staggering 12 pounds for his middleweight debut against Vitor Belfort, was choked out in the first round at UFC 142, and promptly fired by the UFC.

Looking back now, it’s laughable and damn near inconceivable to picture “Rumble” as a welterweight. Once exiting the UFC, Johnson immediately moved up to light heavyweight, then heavyweight, scoring vicious knockouts of Jake Rosholt and DJ Linderman (see above) as well as a decision victory over Andrei Arlovski along the way. Most recently, Johnson dropped back to light heavyweight to violently KO Strikeforce veteran Mike Kyle at WSOF 8 (notice a pattern here?), his third successive win since signing with the WSOF back in 2012.

His weight issues finally behind him, Johnson’s hard work over the years will come to a head at UFC 172, when “Rumble” faces top light heavyweight prospect Phil Davis in a fight that will place the winner on the short list of title contenders.

Davis also has strung together something of a win streak lately, scoring a submission victory over Wagner Prado before notching back-to-back decisions over Vinny Magalhaes and Lyoto Machida.

Also on tap for UFC 172 is a middleweight sure-to-be-banger between Luke Rockhold and Tim Boetsch. Following an..ahem…unsucessful UFC debut against Vitor Belfort, the final Strikeforce middleweight champion rebounded in emphatic fashion against Costas Philippou at Fight Night 35 last month, forcing the former top contender to shart out his liver via a brutal kick to the body early in the first round. Boetsch also has had a rocky go of things as of late, recently rebounding from the first two-fight skid of his career with a controversial decision over C.B. Dollaway at UFC 166.

UFC 172: Jones vs. Teixeira (Finally) transpires at the Baltimore Arena in Maryland on April 26. Who do you like for these pair of slugfests, Nation?

–J. Jones

UFC 169 Results: Barao TKOs Faber, Aldo Decisions Lamas


(I’ll eat my own foot if the word “bro” wasn’t uttered at least once. / Photo via Esther Lin/MMAFighting)

Legacies will be defined, belts may or may not change hands, and “Bagautinov” will be pronounced at least three different ways — welcome, ladies and gents, to CagePotato’s liveblog of UFC 169: Barao vs. Faber. On tap for this evening: Renan Barao attempts to defend his unified bantamweight title for the first time against Urijah Faber, and Jose Aldo goes for his sixth UFC featherweight title defense against hard-charging contender Ricardo Lamas. Plus: a heavyweight battle between Alistair Overeem and Frank Mir that’s totally awesome if you don’t think about it too hard.

Handling play-by-play for the UFC 169 pay-per-view broadcast is Aaron Mandel, who will be putting live results from the main card after the jump, starting at 10 p.m. ET / 7 p.m. PT. Refresh the page every few minutes for all the latest updates, and shoot your own thoughts into the comments section. Thanks for coming.


(I’ll eat my own foot if the word “bro” wasn’t uttered at least once. / Photo via Esther Lin/MMAFighting)

Legacies will be defined, belts may or may not change hands, and “Bagautinov” will be pronounced at least three different ways — welcome, ladies and gents, to CagePotato’s liveblog of UFC 169: Barao vs. Faber. On tap for this evening: Renan Barao attempts to defend his unified bantamweight title for the first time against Urijah Faber, and Jose Aldo goes for his sixth UFC featherweight title defense against hard-charging contender Ricardo Lamas. Plus: a heavyweight battle between Alistair Overeem and Frank Mir that’s totally awesome if you don’t think about it too hard.

Handling play-by-play for the UFC 169 pay-per-view broadcast is Aaron Mandel, who will be putting live results from the main card after the jump, starting at 10 p.m. ET / 7 p.m. PT. Refresh the page every few minutes for all the latest updates, and shoot your own thoughts into the comments section. Thanks for coming.

Preliminary card results
– Alan Patrick def. John Makdessi via unanimous decision (29-28 x 2, 30-27)
– Chris Cariaso def. Danny Martinez via unanimous decision (29-28 x 3)
– Nick Catone def. Tom Watson via split-decision (30-27, 29-28, 28-29)
– Al Iaquinta def. Kevin Lee via unanimous decision (29-28 x 2, 28-27)
– Clint Hester def. Andy Enz via unanimous decision (30-27 x 2, 30-26)
– Rashid Magomedov def. Tony Martin via unanimous decision (29-28 x 3)
– Neil Magny def. Gasan Umalatov via unanimous decision (30-27 x 2, 29-28)

Alright everyone, we are live for the UFC 169 PPV card!  The first seven (7!) fights all went to decision so if you’re just tuning in now congrats on not wasting your life, we must be due for something good.

Abel Trujillo vs. Jamie Varner

Varner took this on slightly short notice as an injury replacement for Bobby Green and he’ll be looking to keep his career resurgence going against the the up and comer Trujillo.

Round 1- Left hook lands for Varner.  Good one-two from Trujillo.  Right hand lands from Varner.  Two big shots just miss from Trujillo.  Varner hits a right hand and Trujillo answers.  Good even exchanges so far.  Ducking left hook for Varner.  Trujillo clinches and tries for a takedown but Varner reverses and has Trujillo’s back.  Varner rolls with him and stays on the back looking to sink in hooks.  They scramble and Varner is in north south working a choke.  The attempt looks deep but Trujillo gives the classic thumbs up.  Varner tightens the choke but releases and tries to transition to mount but looses position and they return to the feet.  A wild exchange ensues and both fighters are clipped but seem okay.  Good straight left lands from Trujillo followed by a knee, great round. 10-9 Varner.

Round 2- Trujillo comes out firing but mostly missing.  Front kick from Varner.  Left hook tags Trujillo and tries to pounce but Trujillo fires back and clips Varner who shoots in on the legs.  They are both standing and Varner clips Trujillo who goes against the fence and then slumps forward for a takedown.  Varner sprawls and works strikes.  Varner swivels to the back as Trujillo rises against the cage.  They go rock em sock em robots against the cage and Trujillo is taking the worst of it but is still in the fight, but he is seriously wobbled.  Out of nowhere Trujillo unloads a right hand that puts Varner out cold!!! Wild fight, holy shit.

Abel Trujillo defeats Jamie Varner via KO, 2:32 of round 2

Trujillo admits in the post-fight interview he was seriously hurt before getting the KO, love the honesty and the warrior spirit! This will be hard to top for FOTN and maybe KOTN.

Ali Bagautinov vs. John Lineker

Lineker has more UFC experience and top level KO power for 125 lbs. but Bagautinov can bring it and has shown it up to this point.  Lineker struggled to make weight (again) yesterday so we’ll see if his gas tank can last if it needs to.  Winner of this might get a Flyweight title shot in this new, emerging division.

At the check-in point they clip Lineker’s fingernail as Rogan starts with the mani/pedi jokes. NJ commission is world-class and Lineker cannot seem to keep his shit together.

Round 1- Lineker stalking and rips a right but Ali times it well and hits a takedown, looking to pass from full guard. Lineker working elbows from the bottom and man, he really does hit hard.  Ali postures up and looks to rain down strikes.  Ali trying to pass but Lineker doing a good job maintaining full guard.  Lineker spins for a leg lock agains the sambo master as Rogan clowns on him.  Ali switches to a heel hook of his own and sits back on it, looked good but Lineker spins out and they stand.  Lineker taunts Ali to stand and strike.  Lineker stalking again as Ali moves around the edge of the Octagon.  Lineker throws a right body kick with Ali catches and uses to take Lineker down where he is on top in half guard throwing punches.  Lineker trying for a kimura from the bottom as round ends.  10-9 Bagautinov.

Round 2- Low kicks from both men to start.  Ali dives in on the legs for a takedown but it’s from way too far out and they end up against the fence.  Ali flurries with strikes and they tie up in the clinch.  They split, left hooks from Ali as he moves constantly to avoid Lineker’s power.  Huge body shot right punch from Lineker and two more, ouch, these look good.  Ali dives for a takedown which fails and those body shots hurt him.  Lineker opening up and starting to tag Ali and the momentum is shifting.  Ali dives under a punch for a takedown.  Lineker sprawls and throws elbows to the body as he rises against the fence.  They separate and Ali hits some good punches to the head of Lineker, kick is blocked and Ali goes for a takedown which fails.  Round ends with a flurry, Lineker landing some heavy shots.  10-9 Lineker.

Round 3- By my unofficial scoring it will come down to this round.  Ali wades in through strikes and get a takedown from a clinch trip but Lineker gets back to his feet.  Ali throws Lineker back down from the body lock.  Ali working to full mount as Lineker works a kimura and recovers half guard.  Lineker uses the fence to get back up but gets hit with a left and then taken back down by Ali.  Half guard with Ali on top and Rogan makes the good point that Lineker’s cardio remarkably seems okay as we’re halfway through the third round.  They are clinched against the cage with Ali working knees.  They separate, one minute left.  Ali dives in on a leg and gets it, even from quite far out.  Ali working strikes on top as Lineker goes for a leg lock and eats some strikes to pay for it.  The fight ends with Lineker working a leg lock as Bagautinov stands up flexing and playing to the crowd.  10-9 Bagautinov.

Ali Bagautinov defeats John Lineker via unanimous decision (29-28 x3)

Frank Mir vs. Alistair Overeem

Time for the big boys to throw down.  Both have been on the wrong end of KO’s as of late and the loser could be out of the UFC.

Round 1- BIG DUDES! Touch of the gloves and some feeling out.  High kick by Mir, body punch from Overeem.  Low kick by Overeem and a right hand from Mir.  Mir comes in with strikes and clinches but Overeem reverses and throws some knees.  They split, leg kick from Overeem and he lands a short left hand on Mir.  Left hook behind the ear of Mir.  Thai clinch from Overeem and a knee to the body makes Mir spit.  Overeem drops Mir with a knee to the head from the clinch and he is hanging on for dear life on the ground as Overeem pours it on.  Overeem is pinning Mir’s hand behind his head big brother style.  Mir eats a knee to the body but rises to his feet!  Did Overeem gas again@!!?!? They split and back on the feet.  Overeem looks fresh still, that cardio training has paid off.  Mir comes in with a kick and a punch that are slow and miss.  They clinch and Mir drops for a leglock but ends up on the bottom in half guard.  Overeem drops two hammerfists and an elbow to the midsection.  Round ends with Overeem on top but Mir survives.  10-9 Overeem.

Round 2- Straight left from Overeem snaps Mir’s head back.  Leg kick from Mir and then another which is checked.  Overeem catches a leg and throws Mir like a small child to the mat but backs off.  Mir comes in with strikes that are slow again and miss.  Overeem clinches and throws knees to the body against the fence.  Ref separates them and back to the center.  Overeem throws three big strikes which land.  Mir runs in and scores a bumrush takedown.  Overeem sitting up against the cage with Mir trying to stay on top.  Mir briefly threatens with a guillotine but loses it and finds himself on the bottom with Overeem throwing strikes again.  Overeem continues to work strikes on top in half guard.  Mir is bloodied around his right eye in multiple places.  Big left elbow from Overeem and Mir is getting beaten up.  Mir gets full guard from the bottom and tries to use the cage to roll and reverse.  Overeem stands up while Mir lays in guard.  Ref stands them up and the round ends.  10-9 Overeem.

Round 3- Two high kicks miss from Mir.  Mir tries for a takedown, runs into the brick wall of Overeem’s body and then pulls guard.  Overeem does not want to play on the ground and stands up.  Mir shoots for another takedown but again has to pull guard and ends up on the bottom in half guard eating some punches from Overeem.  Two big left hands land from Overeem on top and Mir ties him up.  Overeem working strikes to the head and body from guard.  Overeem is laying a methodical beating on Mir and he stands up to force Mir to rise.  Big straight right rocks Mir who looks longingly at the clock.  Overeem begs Mir to swing at him but Mir just flails a weak kick and eats two more big strikes from Overeem as the right ends.  10-9 Overeem.

Alistair Overeem defeats Frank Mir via unanimous decision (30-27 x3)

Champ Jose Aldo vs. Ricardo Lamas

For some reason the heavier fight is not the headliner.  Lamas is rocking a great mohawk mullet, may it give him the strength he needs because Aldo is the clear favorite and maybe the pound for pound best.

Round 1- Leg kick from Lamas and another.  Head kick misses from Lamas.  Aldo throwing lots of fakes and feeling Lamas out.  Two minutes in and Aldo has thrown three strikes.  More leg kicks from Lamas which Aldo is mostly checking.  Two strikes and a kick from Aldo.  Spinning kick to the body from Aldo.  Jumping head kick from Lamas is blocked.  Body kick from Lamas and he slips and Aldo pounces throwing head and body shots but no major damage.  Lamas working more kicks, high and low, none landing.  Right hand from Aldo to the head and rips another to the body.  Two spinning kicks miss from Aldo.  First round ends with Aldo throwing flying knee and punches.  More missed than landed in that round, fortunately we’ve got four more if we need them! 10-9 Lamas.

Round 2- Aldo checks a leg kick and blocks a high kick.  Lamas throws a slow wheel kick which also doesn’t land.  Punch and low kick from Aldo, that hurt.  Straight right from Aldo.  Leg kick from Lamas doesn’t land fully, body punch from Aldo and two more.  Good leg kick from Aldo, his are way more successful than Lamas’.  Aldo clips Lamas with a left hand.  Good leg kick from Aldo.  Jabs and a leg kick from Aldo, he’s starting to turn it up.  Another leg kick bends Lamas around.  Wheel kick misses from Lamas.  Lamas’ leg is starting to give out on the kicks.  Wheel kick again from Lamas that is blocked followed by another that totally misses.  10-9 Aldo.

Round 3- Lamas comes out with a front kick and then a body kick.  Leg kick from Aldo.  Punch and a leg kick from Aldo.  Aldo blocks a head kick and throws a leg kick.  Aldo with more leg kicks and punches.  Lamas tries for a single leg takedown but Aldo shrugs it off.  Lamas with a head kick that was close, leg kick from Aldo, obviously.  Front push kick frmo Lamas and Aldo drills him with a leg kick.  Uppercut from Lamas and an overhand right from Aldo.  Two jabs and a straight right from Aldo.  Lamas misses with two headkicks.  Body punch from Aldo and another leg kick.  Lamas is still in the fight though, he’s taking it and pushing on, throwing strong strikes of his own.  Right hand and leg kick from Lamas.  Lamas got Aldo with a right.  10-9 Aldo.

Round 4- Aldo has tended to fade in the championship rounds, we’ll see how this goes.  Lamas goes for a single leg takedown which Aldo defends as he backs against the cage.  Lamas lifts Aldo into the air against the cage and Aldo just chills there in midair for awhile.  Aldo reverses and puts Lamas against the cage.  Aldo trips Lamas and takes him to the mat.  Aldo on top in side control looking for an arm triangle.  Aldo now in half guard.  Lamas with butterfly guard and Aldo jumps over them and lands in mount.  Lamas rolls and gives up his back.  Aldo goes for a choke but can’t get it under the chin.  Lamas gets to his feet and now shoots in on Aldo who has his back against the cage defending against Lamas.  10-9 Aldo.

Round 5- I think Lamas has to finish here to win. Lamas comes out aggressive with a flurry of body kicks.  Lamas swings for the fences but misses and Aldo presses him against the cage.  Aldo drags Lamas down against the cage and is in full guard.  Aldo moves to side control and then mount.  Lamas throws his hips and reverses Aldo.  Lamas now on top in full guard.  Lamas diving down with strikes but Aldo defending.  Big elbow from Lamas and he wants it but Aldo is doing a good job of somewhat desperately tying him up.  Lamas’ corner is screaming that he needs to finish and Lamas is pouring it on.  Aldo ties him back up in full guard and is hanging on tight.  A few final punches and elbows from Lamas as the round ends.  10-9 Lamas and I think Aldo will take it three rounds to two, but who am I?

Jose Aldo defeats Ricardo Lamas via unanimous decision (49-46 x3)

Aldo gives Lamas credit in his postfight interview as the humble champ retains the belt.

Champ Renan Barao vs. Urijah Faber

Faber has been on an absolute tear since his previous loss to Barao and he steps up on short notice for another crack at a title that has eluded him since earlier in his WEC days. Barao has been on a run of his own, dude hasn’t lost since 2005 in his first fight.  Faber has lost his last 5 title fights and won everything else, he is still evolving and improving but you have to wonder at age 34 if he’ll get another shot if he loses tonight. My heart wants Faber, my head says Barao, it’s tough out here.

Round 1- Kicks and punches from both to start, nothing landing.  Faber catches a leg and lands a left on Barao.  Lots of kicks from Barao, nothing really landing so far.  Body shot by Faber, he slips and briefly turtles up as Barao strikes.  Faber stands up with a spinning back fist and he smiles at Barao.  Body shot head shot combo from Faber and his striking looks good, thanks Duane Ludwig.  Head kick blocked from Barao.  Good leg kick by Barao.  Barao floors Faber with a punch and dives in.  Faber covering up for his life but he gets back to his feet!  Barao hits Faber some more and he tries for a leg desperately.  Barao drops Faber again and Faber goes flat on the canvas for a second before grabbing Barao’s leg again.  Barao raining down punches as Faber covers up.  Referee Herb Dean jumps in and stops the fight.  Faber holds on in disbelief to Barao’s leg and tells Dean that he was fine and giving a thumbs up.  It’s to no avail and the champ retains his belt.

Renan Barao defeats Urijah Faber via tko, round 1

From where I sit, on my couch, that was a bad stoppage.  No one except Herb Dean is in the cage making those calls officially but we’re all entitled to our opinions.  My opinion is that Faber should have been given every opportunity to stay in that fight and he was robbed of that.  I bet Eddie Wineland agrees.

Faber stays classy in his interview but agrees the stoppage was early, obviously, and suggests that “a limp body” would be a better indicator to stop the fight.  Rogan suggests that Chad Mendes, Faber’s teammate should get the next shot, Faber reminds Rogan that Mendes is a weight class above.  ”I’m retarded,” muses Rogan, outsmarted by a guy who was on the verge of consciousness a minute ago.  And on that note, have a good night.

Gambling Addiction Enabler: ‘UFC 169: Barao vs. Faber II Edition’


(“It’s OK Eddie, you’re still the king of the invisible motorcycle dance.” Photo via Getty) 

By Dan George

The UFC returns to lovely…Newark, New Jersey this weekend with UFC 169, featuring a pair of lighter weight title fights and what *should* be a loser-leaves-town fight between Alistair Overeem and Frank Mir that you know who seems unwilling to commit to. There’s also a few badass Russians, a hard-hitting Canadian, and a surging TUF alum thrown in for good measure, so it should be a hell of a card.

And with each UFC pay-per-view comes the p4p best gambling advice on the internet: The Gambling Addiction Enabler. So join us below as we dissect UFC 169 and determine where the best opportunities to make some serious bank lie, because let’s be honest, we’ve all got child support payments to make. What? You don’t have any illegitimate children? I feel like I don’t even know you guys anymore.

The Good Dogs:

John Makdessi (-165) vs. Alan Patrick (+145)

At -165, Makdessi earns the right to be the favorite against undefeated Alan Patrick, who will be looking to make it 2-0 in the UFC. Both fighters are coming off first round knockout wins and while Makdessi has earned his stripes against better competition, it is hard to ignore “Nuguette’s” (?) winning formula thus far in his career. There is no denying that Makdessi is the more talented striker, but Patrick mixes up his striking with takedowns very well which may present problems for Makdessi if he is unable to stop the larger man from taking him down early and often. Against Hallman, “The Bull” showed that his Achilles heel is the ground game and this is where Patrick at +145 is worth some consideration based on what we have seen from him throughout his career.


(“It’s OK Eddie, you’re still the king of the invisible motorcycle dance.” Photo via Getty) 

By Dan George

The UFC returns to lovely…Newark, New Jersey this weekend with UFC 169, featuring a pair of lighter weight title fights and what *should* be a loser-leaves-town fight between Alistair Overeem and Frank Mir that you know who seems unwilling to commit to. There’s also a few badass Russians, a hard-hitting Canadian, and a surging TUF alum thrown in for good measure, so it should be a hell of a card.

And with each UFC pay-per-view comes the p4p best gambling advice on the internet: The Gambling Addiction Enabler. So join us below as we dissect UFC 169 and determine where the best opportunities to make some serious bank lie, because let’s be honest, we’ve all got child support payments to make. What? You don’t have any illegitimate children? I feel like I don’t even know you guys anymore.

The Good Dogs:

John Makdessi (-165) vs. Alan Patrick (+145)

At -165, Makdessi earns the right to be the favorite against undefeated Alan Patrick, who will be looking to make it 2-0 in the UFC. Both fighters are coming off first round knockout wins and while Makdessi has earned his stripes against better competition, it is hard to ignore “Nuguette’s” (?) winning formula thus far in his career. There is no denying that Makdessi is the more talented striker, but Patrick mixes up his striking with takedowns very well which may present problems for Makdessi if he is unable to stop the larger man from taking him down early and often. Against Hallman, “The Bull” showed that his Achilles heel is the ground game and this is where Patrick at +145 is worth some consideration based on what we have seen from him throughout his career.

Andy Enz (+160) vs. Clint Hester (-185)

Hester is a very solid stand up fighter coming in as the -200ish favorite against a relatively unknown Andy Enz, who will bring a perfect 7-0 record (5 via submission) into his Octagon debut. Training out of Gracie Barra Alaska, the 22 year old Enz has earned his nickname “Tank Mode” with a knack for his heavy grappling prowess, something Hester (9-3) may have trouble with if he cannot keep the fight standing. If Andy can take Hester down, the scales tip heavily towards Enz finding a way to finish the fight, but if Hester can keep the fight standing, all signs towards Clint picking up his third straight stoppage victory in the UFC. The undefeated prospect gets the finish over Hester, who has dropped 2 out of his 3 professional losses by submission.

Chris Cariaso (-145) vs. Danny Martinez (+125)

-145 favorite Chris Cariaso will look to bring his UFC flyweight record above .500 against WEC veteran Danny Martinez. Despite being his first bout in the UFC, Martinez has gone to the score cards with some of the highest caliber fighters in his weight class since he turned pro in 2006, but recently suffered a suprising loss to David Grant at the TUF eliminations for Team Rousey vs Team Tate. The prop that Cariaso wins by decision should pay out roughly 2 to 1 and is a respectable choice when noting Cariaso has 4 of his 5 UFC wins by decision.

Jamie Varner (-140) vs. Abel Trujillo (+120)

Abel Trujillo is a small underdog at +120, but in the first tough test of his career, he came up short against The Eagle in which could be described as a veritable sambo clinic. Recognizing that Varner has fought higher level competition as of late and has the experience advantage suggests taking him as a favorite in the fight. The +230 prop that Varner wins this fight by decision may be a fruitful option in the plus money category as Trujillo has not been stopped since 2011.

Frank Mir (+280) vs. Alistair Overeem (-340)

Frank Mir at +280 is approaching the same price he was valued at against JDS and Daniel Cormier. Alistair Overeem has changed camps three times in as many fights and is now fighting for his job against arguably his toughest test in the UFC. OK, not arguably…but still a very live dog. The one major caveat that pops up can be found in Alistair’s ultra dangerous clinch game, which has spelled the death of Mir in his losses to Shane Carwin and Josh Barnett. Here’s to Frank keeping his back off the cage and hands by his head until Overeem gases.

Stay the Hell Away From:

Nick Catone (+160) vs. Tom Watson (-185)

Watson came out of the gate early this week at -200 territory which has quickly shifted towards -185 in the past 48hrs. Nick Catone will be returning to his familiar stomping grounds (as well as the middleweight division) as the +160 underdog. “The Jersey Devil” has only lost once in eight contests inside New Jersey state lines and has the tools in the grappling department to give Watson trouble here. If Catone can close the distance on Watson, the only question that remains is whether or not Nick can get the takedown. If Nick cannot take Watson down, the likelihood of Watson ending this fight inside the distance is strong (3 of Catone’s 4 losses have come inside the distance). Really hard to imagine Catone is as good a grappler as Thales Leites, but he may not have to be to still find his way to a decision victory. Simply too hard to predict this one.

John Lineker (+125) vs Ali Bagautinov (-145)

Certainly a FOTN selection here as both men are known to produce fireworks inside the Octagon. The most interesting bet would be if Lineker makes weight at this point, since the fight itself is way too volatile to try a predict a winner when looking at how readily these two plant feet and launch bombs. The +105 prop that this fight goes the distance is not as interesting as just sitting back and enjoying the shootout between these two prospects.

The Co-Mains:

Jose Aldo (-650) vs. Ricardo Lamas (+475)

Until Aldo looks to be in trouble in the Octagon, it will be business as usual for the champion, who will look to use his superior Muay Thai in combination with his legendary takedown defense to defeat his Lamas. “The Bully” poses the threat to take Aldo down and control the fight on the ground, but it is merely a threat that Aldo has faced and effectively overcome in the past. The prop of -121 that this fight starts round 3 may be a chance to shorten the price of wagering on this fight when acknowledging Aldo has gone past 3 rounds in his past two outings.

Renan Barao (-270) vs. Urijah Faber (+230)

Faber has been 0-5 in fights where Zuffa gold is on the line, always rebounding and seemingly coming back better than ever. Urijah is sure to bring his most exciting brand of fighting into his rematch with Barao, who effectively out struck Faber and limited his takedown ability by punishing the California Kid’s lead leg at UFC 149.

Win or lose, it is hard to argue that Urijah Faber has had a very special 2013 and has proven that no matter what weight class he is in, he can still find a way to title contention. Barao most likely picks up right where he left off in the first fight with Faber and continues his run of dominance at the UFC Bantamweight champion.

Parlay 1

Umalatov-Magomedov-Barao

Parlay 2

Cariaso-Iaquinta-Enz-Barao

Enjoy the fights and may the winners be yours!

Ben vs. Seth: UFC 169 Edition


(…and if you turn the poster over, you’ll see Ben and Seth, butt to butt.)

UFC 169 is poppin’ off this Saturday in Newark, featuring two title fights, a must-win battle between a pair of fading heavyweight legends, and a bunch of other crap that you may or may not care about. Join us as CagePotato founding editor Ben Goldstein and editor emeritus Seth Falvo debate the major storylines surrounding the event, from Urijah Faber‘s resurrected title hopes to our always iron-clad gambling advice (LOL), and much more. Enjoy…

True or false: Even though Urijah Faber has already been beaten once by Renan Barao, he still has a better chance of becoming champion this weekend than Ricardo Lamas does.

BG: True. Barao has proven that he’s a better fighter than Faber, but the Cali Kid is so talented and dangerous that nobody really outclasses him at 135. If Barao has a bad night and Faber has a good night, it’s within the realm of possibility that Faber could find a way to choke him out; their skills aren’t that far apart. And maybe there isn’t a talent-gap whatsoever. The fact that Faber’s five WEC/UFC losses have all come in title fights — and the fact that he’s still undefeated in non-title fights, after a full decade of competition — suggests that perhaps there’s some kind of psychological block that’s preventing the California Kid from firing on all cylinders when a belt’s on the line. (Then again, that’s probably the best reason to pick against him on Saturday.) But in this chaotic sport, anything can happen. No absurd win streak lasts forever, and sometimes the sun shines on an old veteran’s ass, so to speak.

SF: False, and not just because this column would be really boring if we both agreed with each other. No one is denying that Urijah Faber is an outstanding talent, but you pretty much made my point for me when you wrote “if Barao has a bad night and Faber has a good night” in regards to his chances of becoming the bamtamweight champion. Lamas, on the other hand…okay fine, his odds aren’t looking any better. Both men have the same slim chances of walking out of The Prudential Center with their respective division’s title, making “Faber has a better chance” technically wrong, and me technically correct. And everyone knows that technically correct is the best kind of correct.

Let’s say Barao defeats Faber on Saturday. Let’s say that he also never fights Dominick Cruz. Does that make Barao’s title run any less legitimate?


(…and if you turn the poster over, you’ll see Ben and Seth, butt to butt.)

UFC 169 is poppin’ off this Saturday in Newark, featuring two title fights, a must-win battle between a pair of fading heavyweight legends, and a bunch of other crap that you may or may not care about. Join us as CagePotato founding editor Ben Goldstein and editor emeritus Seth Falvo debate the major storylines surrounding the event, from Urijah Faber‘s resurrected title hopes to our always iron-clad gambling advice (LOL). Enjoy…

True or false: Even though Urijah Faber has already been beaten once by Renan Barao, he still has a better chance of becoming champion this weekend than Ricardo Lamas does.

BG: True. Barao has proven that he’s a better fighter than Faber, but the Cali Kid is so talented and dangerous that nobody really outclasses him at 135. If Barao has a bad night and Faber has a good night, it’s within the realm of possibility that Faber could find a way to choke him out; their skills aren’t that far apart. And maybe there isn’t a talent-gap whatsoever. The fact that Faber’s five WEC/UFC losses have all come in title fights — and the fact that he’s still undefeated in non-title fights, after a full decade of competition — suggests that perhaps there’s some kind of psychological block that’s preventing the California Kid from firing on all cylinders when a belt’s on the line. (Then again, that’s probably the best reason to pick against him on Saturday.) But in this chaotic sport, anything can happen. No absurd win streak lasts forever, and sometimes the sun shines on an old veteran’s ass, so to speak.

SF: False, and not just because this column would be really boring if we both agreed with each other. No one is denying that Urijah Faber is an outstanding talent, but you pretty much made my point for me when you wrote “if Barao has a bad night and Faber has a good night” in regards to his chances of becoming the bamtamweight champion. Lamas, on the other hand…okay fine, his odds aren’t looking any better. Both men have the same slim chances of walking out of The Prudential Center with their respective division’s title, making “Faber has a better chance” technically wrong, and me technically correct. And everyone knows that technically correct is the best kind of correct.

Let’s say Barao defeats Faber on Saturday. Let’s say that he also never fights Dominick Cruz. Does that make Barao’s title run any less legitimate?

SF: Not at all — or at least it really shouldn’t. It would really bum me out if the two guys who seem like the only legitimate competition for each other at bantamweight never fight, but creating a chicken/egg situation out of the mess won’t exactly solve anything. If you’re going to wonder whether Renan Barao is less of a champion for never having beat Dominick Cruz in this situation, you may as well also ponder how much Dominick Cruz benefits from never having to fight Renan Barao, the one man who could have actually beaten him. Maybe you should also think about whether Kimbo Slice would have been a UFC champion if he only learned the ground game, while you’re at it. Let it go, nerds. Trust me, it’ll be just as fun to watch Barao punch other people’s faces in.

BG: No argument there. The champion is the guy who beats the top competition available to him at any given moment in time. We don’t say that Anthony Pettis is any less legitimate because he never beat prime BJ Penn, or that Cain Velasquez is any less legitimate because he never beat the hypothetical BJJ black-belt version of Kimbo Slice, who sounds like an absolute monster, by the way. “Prime Dominick Cruz” was a person who existed in 2010-2011, then essentially disappeared due to repeated injuries. He has almost no relevance to Renan Barao, who has spent the last two years beating incredibly talented opponents like Faber, Michael McDonald, and Eddie Wineland. Barao is the best bantamweight around, period. We should give him his props accordingly.

What’s the smartest single wager you can make on UFC 169, with these odds?

SF: I’d continue to recycle that joke about how neither of us makes smart wagers, but my parlay actually returned a profit last time we did this, so let me tell you how to spend your money, dumbass.

I can’t decide if a straight bet on John Makdessi (first legitimate test for Alan Patrick), Chris Cariaso (facing a TUF washout making his UFC debut on short notice), or Renan Barao (#LOLFaberInTitleFights) is the best way to spend my money, so I’ll just recommend dropping twenty bucks on a parlay featuring all three of those guys. If it pays off, BetUS will be sending you $50.46 for your efforts. And if it doesn’t pay off, well, you only need one kidney to function, you pansy.

BG: I’ll also suggest a three-fight parlay, but mine is safer, more profitable, and actually grounded in the scientific method. Twenty bones on Ali Bagautinov, Rashid Magomedov, and Gasan Umalatov would return $62.29 in profit — and that bet is basically a lock, because they’re all Russian. From Khabib Nurmagomedov to Rustam Khabilov, Russian fighters whose names end in “v” have been unstoppable in the UFC lately. I know next to nothing about Magomedov and Umalatov, but they’re both odds-on favorites in their fights, and are you really going to bet against the Puncher King? Do the right thing, people.

John Lineker has missed weight for three of his five UFC appearances. If he misses weight again on Friday, what would be an appropriate punishment?

BG: I’m kind of surprised that the UFC hasn’t already forced Lineker up to bantamweight against his will; it just goes to show you how desperate the UFC is for flyweight contenders who can consistently finish fights. But enough’s enough. If Lineker misses weight again on Friday, the UFC should take a serious chunk out of his paycheck — say 40% — suspend him for six months, and then force him up to bantamweight. And if it happens again after that, they should fire Lineker the spot, right there at the weigh-ins. Seriously, Burt Watson should just hand him an empty banker’s box and tell him to clear his desk out, but leave the goddamned radio because we paid for that. And as security escorts Lineker out of the building, the cameras will catch Mike Dolce next to the stage, weeping into his hands. “Nutella and bananas,” he’ll say to nobody in particular, “and all this could have been avoided.”

SF: Weight cutting isn’t exactly good for your body in the first place, making it all the more disturbing to watch a talented, promising fighter like John Lineker continue to put himself through hell for a size advantage he arguably doesn’t need in the first place. As badly as the UFC wants flyweights that the casual fans actually care about, the last thing that the promotion needs is a fighter dying due to a far-too-stressful weight cut; just imagine the chaos that would cause. I’m with you on the fine and pushing him up to bantamweight, but a suspension? That’ll only give Lineker time to pack on mass so he can continue to sabotage his health with vicious weight cuts when he begins fighting at bantamweight, pretty much making him the Anthony Johnson Lite. If Lineker misses weight for his bantamweight debut, I really hope that the audience sings “Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye.” I’ve always wanted to hear the crowd at an MMA show do that.

The winner of Frank Mir vs. Alistair Overeem saves his job from sure elimination. What do you see happening to the loser?

SF: If Mir loses this fight — and for what it’s worth, the oddsmakers sure seem to think he will — expect him to retire and accept a comfortable desk job with the UFC. With the company pushing so hard for “World Fucking Domination,” it needs as many brand ambassadors (read: people to tweet selfies of themselves at historical foreign monuments and high-five the locals) and competent commentators for these international Fight Pass cards as it can get, and Frank Mir is the perfect candidate for either position. Especially the latter, given how he excelled during his WEC commentary stint.

If Overeem loses this fight, here’s how I see things playing out: A pink slip from the UFC, a four month retirement, a return to kickboxing, a departure from drug testing, the return of his once-Herculean physique, an occasional MMA fight in Europe and/or Asia, the opening of his own gym, his appearances in the indies becoming increasingly tragic, the closure of his gym, him calling out whoever the UFC Heavyweight Champion is at the time, and then five months later he’s found dead. The official cause of death will be heart failure due to a fatal combination of painkillers and muscle relaxers he took for his lingering injuries.

Okay, at some point during that I got bored and began typing the life story of Every Professional Wrestler Ever, but you get the idea.

BG: Man, I wasn’t prepared for how depressing this column was going to get. I mean, Frank Mir being forced into a desk job? Total nightmare. For the purposes of this answer, I’ll make a concrete prediction and say that Mir will lose by TKO in round 2, and Overeem will save his job. Mir will be cut and immediately snapped up by World Series of Fighting, where he’ll beat Mike Kyle (obviously) to set up a heavyweight headliner at WSOF 13 against Anthony Johnson. Johnson will knock Mir out in under a minute, making Rumble the first UFC welterweight washout to somehow hold victories over two former UFC heavyweight champions. Mir will retire from MMA and transition into strip-club management in his hometown of Las Vegas. After his divorce, Mir will move into an apartment with Pete Rose, who will constantly refer to Mir as “kid.”

GIF-Ranking the Avalanche of UFC Fights That Were Booked Today, December 18th, By Interest Level


(“You know what, Steve, I’m not really feeling this fight. Think I’ll just sit out a few plays.” Photo via Getty.)

Fight-booking articles are a dime a dozen. Throw a couple statistics here, a fighter breakdown there, and top it all off with some information about the event and you’ve got yourself a perfectly normal, haiku-length article that you could almost pass off as journalism. And then its back to huffing duster in your grandmother’s basement, desperately and fruitlessly attempting to blind yourself from the hellscape that has become your reality. But at least you don’t have to wear a tie to work! (*laughs, cries into whiskey*)

The point is, there are some matchups you can’t help but elaborate on as a fan of the sport — Woodley vs. Condit, for instance. But there are only so many ways to inform you readers that several lower-level fights have recently been booked on (under)cards you probably won’t even watch, so when all else fails, we resort to the GIF. Let’s get to the fight bookings!

 

#6 – Brad Scott vs. Claudio Henrique da Silva – Fight Night 37 (March 8, London)

I have no idea who these people are. Ranking: 


(“You know what, Steve, I’m not really feeling this fight. Think I’ll just sit out a few plays.” Photo via Getty.)

Fight-booking articles are a dime a dozen. Throw a couple statistics here, a fighter breakdown there, and top it all off with some information about the event and you’ve got yourself a perfectly normal, haiku-length article that you could almost pass off as journalism. And then its back to huffing duster in your grandmother’s basement, desperately and fruitlessly attempting to blind yourself from the hellscape that has become your reality. But at least you don’t have to wear a tie to work! (*laughs, cries into whiskey*)

The point is, there are some matchups you can’t help but elaborate on as a fan of the sport – Woodley vs. Condit, for instance. But there are only so many ways to inform you readers that several lower-level fights have recently been booked on (under)cards you probably won’t even watch, so when all else fails, we resort to the GIF. Let’s get to the fight bookings!

 

#6 – Brad Scott vs. Claudio Henrique da Silva – Fight Night 37 (March 8, London)

I have no idea who these people are. Ranking: 

 

#5 – Tony Martin vs. Rashid Magomedov – UFC 169 (Feb. 1, NJ)

I have no idea who either of these people are either, but as Chairman of the Russian-U.S.A. Coalition for a Better, More Tolerant Tomorrow (RUSAECBMTT, for short), I am semi-obligated to hype the 15-1 Magomedov. He’s on an eight fight tear and is a solid grappler if the Interwebz are to be believed, but he also hasn’t fought in over a year, so it’ll be interesting to see how he fares against the 8-0 ground wizard Tim Martin, who will also be making his UFC debut. Ranking:

 

#4 – Neil Magny vs. Gasan Umalatov – UFC 169 

It’s do-or-die time for TUF 16‘s Neil Magny, who will enter the cage on February 1st having dropped his last two fights to Sergio Moraes and Seth Baczynski at UFC 163 and Fight for the Troops 3, respectively. Unfortunately for Magny, he’s been matched against another Russian with a solid record and a surname ending in “tov.” Luckily for Magny, “tov” ranks behind “dov,” “bov” and even “nov” in terms of the P4P most devastating last syllable of a surname (LSoS, for short) that can possessed by a Russian…

…what was I talking about again? Boobs? Boobs. Ranking:

 

#3 – Luke Barnatt vs. Mats Nilsson – Fight Night 37

Luke Barnatt may be on the heels of his biggest career win (a second round submission over Andrew Craig in Fight Night 30′s “Fight of the Night”), but I think the most important thing here is his nickname, “Bigslow.” Does it just mean that Barnatt is both big AND slow, and if so, why did he combine two normal words into one terrible word? Or is his nickname, as I believe, his way of informing the public that he is the bastard son of Kim Winslow and Bigfoot? Think about it, they’re both lanky, white as whipped cream, and “do” MMA. What other evidence do you need?

Anyways, Bigslow is going to savage UFC newcomer Mats Nilsson like the dude stole his Jack Links beef jerky. Ranking:

 

#2 – Stephen Thompson vs. Robert Whittaker – UFC 170 (Feb. 22, Vegas)

Whether it’s been in victory or defeat, there’s no denying that TUF Smashes winner Robert Whittaker has been entertaining as hell to watch in the octagon. On the heels of a hard fought decision loss to Court McGee at Fight Night 27, Whittaker will be given no easy rebound fight in “Wonderboy” Thomson, who improved to 3-1 in the UFC with a 2nd round TKO of Chris Clements at UFC 165.

A fierce and technical striker with an impeccable kickboxing record, Thompson’s sole loss in the UFC has come at the hands of the resurgent Matt Brown in April of last year. His style is pretty much the antithesis of Whittaker, a brawler who usually looks for the one-punch KO, so Thompson will either continue to do what he do and make short work of the Aussie or wind up on the wrong side of an upset KO. In either case, this is definitely a fight worth watching. Ranking:

 

#1 – John Lineker vs. Ali Bagautinov – UFC 169 

Score another one for the Armchair Matchmaker, which rightfully called for and in turn received a matchup between top flyweight contenders John Lineker and Ali BagautiNOV (told ya). We all know the story with Lineker: 4-1 in the UFC, hits like a truck full of bricks, weighs-in like a truck full of ham, yadda yadda. If he can actually make 125 lbs for once and put away a rising star like Bagautinov, who improved his UFC record to 2-0 with a unanimous decision over the highly-touted Tim Elliot at UFC 167, we could be looking at our next title challenger. In which case, slugfest much?

Speaking of nicknames, “Puncher King” might be the most Russian nickname ever. Ranking:

How would you rank these fights of varying importance? Let us know in the comments section. 

–J. Jones