Having just finished watching the first trailer for Burning Angel’s much talked-about Ronda Rousey porn parody, Ronda ArouseMe: Grounded and Pounded, I am irate, Nation. Not because it contains absolutely zero nudity, and not because of any personal bias I have against star Kleio Valentien since she slapped that restraining order on me, but because my long and detailed list of spot-on casting suggestions for the project was completely, inexplicably ignored.
It’s as if ArouseMe director Joanna Angel didn’t appreciate or even take notice of the countless hours I clearly spent researching and drafting up that list, requiring no less than three recuperative naps in the process. Did they think I was only after a few extra clicks on a once mid-tier MMA blog, and not auditioning for a position in the multi-billion dollar industry that is porn casting? This was supposed to be *my* moment, god dammit! This was my chance to be a somebody!! (*kicks can*)
All that said, I’m sure there are a handful of you who’d still like to see the trailer for Ronda ArouseMe regardless of the fact that it took a steaming dump on my dreams, so check it out after the jump.
Having just finished watching the first trailer for Burning Angel’s much talked-about Ronda Rousey porn parody, Ronda ArouseMe: Grounded and Pounded, I am irate, Nation. Not because it contains absolutely zero nudity, and not because of any personal bias I have against star Kleio Valentien since she slapped that restraining order on me, but because my long and detailed list of spot-on casting suggestions for the project was completely, inexplicably ignored.
It’s as if ArouseMe director Joanna Angel didn’t appreciate or even take notice of the countless hours I clearly spent researching and drafting up that list, requiring no less than three recuperative naps in the process. Did they think I was only after a few extra clicks on a once mid-tier MMA blog, and not auditioning for a position in the multi-billion dollar industry that is porn casting? This was supposed to be *my* moment, god dammit! This was my chance to be a somebody!! (*kicks can*)
All that said, I’m sure there are a handful of you who’d still like to see the trailer for Ronda ArouseMe regardless of the fact that it took a steaming dump on my dreams, so check it out after the jump.
What, no Bangya Right? No Huge-O Peen LeSwell? Is the Burning Angel Sports Network even a thing? I WANT JUSTICE!!
(Breathe, Jared. Do as Dr. Fontanelle said and just. breathe.)
In the interest of fairness, I will say the trailer did manage to get a couple chuckles out of me — that line about Vin Diesel, especially. The ringside announcing duo of Angel and Small Hands are truly the Pepper and Cotton (or at least the Pepperfield and Redwood) of the porn world. I also appreciate that the entirety of the film appears to have been shot in a dank, humid chop shop, which in today’s age of big-budget, CGI-ridden pornos, is truly a breath of fresh air. (Not literally, of course.)
Break out your credit cards and order your three day limited trials ASAP, Tater Nation, because Ronda ArouseMe: Grounded and Pounded premieres tonight on BurningAngel.com.
Following her superstar-making performance against Bethe Correia at UFC 190 last weekend, it was revealed that Ronda Rousey would be bestowed with the highest honor of celebrity achievable in today’s society: A porn parody based upon her life.
Entitled Ronda ArouseMe: Grounded and Pounded, the parody from Burning Angel productions will star Kleio Valentien (pictured above) in the titular role, as well as Sammie Six in the role of Rousey’s nemesis, “Miesha Taint.” But because this is the internet, and because the line between pornography and mixed martial arts has always been a thin one, we’ve decided to go ahead and play casting (couch) agent for this surefire AVN awards sweeper, along with some help from the UG.
Following her superstar-making performance against Bethe Correia at UFC 190 last weekend, it was revealed that Ronda Rousey would be bestowed with the highest honor of celebrity achievable in today’s society: A porn parody based upon her life.
Entitled Ronda ArouseMe: Grounded and Pounded, the parody from Burning Angel productions will star Kleio Valentien (pictured above) in the titular role, as well as Sammie Six in the role of Rousey’s nemesis, “Miesha Taint.” But because this is the internet, and because the line between pornography and mixed martial arts has always been a thin one, we’ve decided to go ahead and play casting (couch) agent for this surefire AVN awards sweeper, along with some help from the UG.
Krissy Lynn as “Ronda ArouseMe”
With all due respect to Ms. (Mrs?) Valentien, who I’m sure is a lovely, incredibly capable performer, she does not look a thing like Ronda Rousey. Pornography is about nothing if not true-to-life accuracy — which, as a former pizza delivery boy, I can attest to personally — so to have a heavily-tattooed actress with no athletic background play Ronda in a movie about her life is as insulting as having, I dunno, Tom Cruise play Jack Reacher.
According to a biography of Ms. Valentien I found on a site that I cannot link to, she enjoys “when a man takes control and tells me what to do.” This is almost certainly not how Ronda Rousey gets down behind closed doors — she has sex with *you*, not the other way around. Krissy Lynn, however, both looks more like Rousey than Valentien and “enjoys hiking, exercising, and living a healthy lifestyle.” (source: IMDB) What else do you need to know? MAKE THE SWITCH, BURNING ANGEL.
Rachel Starr as “Miesha Taint”
Again, because we’re all about accuracy in cinema here at CagePotato, in order to cast an actress in the role of Miesha Tate, you must first get inside the head of Miesha Tate. Or at least, inside the head of her fans. Tell me, when you guys (and gals) think of Tate, what’s the first thing you think of? Her career-defining win over Marloes Coenen, maybe? Her relationship with notable d-bag Bryan Caraway, perhaps? Or is it DAT ASS?
The fact is, Ms. Tate has one of the finest keisters in the business, if not *the* finest, and she has never been afraid to use it as a marketing tool. Likewise, the woman cast in her likeness should probably be recognized for her posterior first and foremost. Enter Rachel Starr (phrasing), who according to her profile on TheRichest, “is known for her bubbly big butt.” (Well put, TheRichest. Well put indeed.) She is also known as one of the hardest working, biggest stars in the industry, with a professional career dating back to 2007. You know who else’s professional career dates back to 2007? Miesha Tate. I rest my case.
Will Powers as “Bangya Right”
FACT: Ronda Rousey would still be hip-tossing dude-bros inside strip mall movie theaters if it wasn’t for Dana White, the brash, cocky UFC president who once claimed that “women would never fight in the UFC.” That was until he laid eyes on Ronda Rousey, of course, and THE GAME DUN CHANGED. Within a couple years, White was calling Rousey “the biggest star we’ve ever had” and “a f*cking Diaz brother trapped in this beautiful body.” If that latter statement doesn’t scream Intro Line Before a Sex Scene, I don’t know what does.
What, you think we’re going to cast an adult film without including our resident expert in the field? A movie based on the life of one Ronda Rousey, pornographic or otherwise, would be inadequate without including the Olympian vs. Olympian battle that took place at UFC 170. Carmen is a more knowledgeable MMA fan than anyone else in the biz, she’s got an ass that men write symphonies about, and she’s a GSP fan, so you know her wrestling game is On. Point. I don’t care what kinda strings Burning Angel has to pull to sign Carmen, they need this bonafide authority on MMA if they ever hope to achieve a legitimate end product.
Click the “next page” tab to see who we cast as Arianny Celeste, Gene Lebell, Gina Carano + more
3. After seeing a crazy move in an MMA fight/porn scene, you’ve attempted it in your personal life and failed miserably.
4. Most people who start careers in MMA or porn burn out within a couple years — which makes Robbie Lawler and Lisa Ann‘s continued success absolutely miraculous.
5. Your tumblr feed is flooded with GIFs related to both forms of entertainment.
6. Your girlfriend will only watch it with you on special occasions.
7. It’s depressing to hear how little some of these guys get paid.
(So is this a gi class or a no-gi class? Jeez, BangBros, a little wardrobe consistency wouldn’t kill you.)
By the CagePotato staff
MMA and porn go hand in sweaty hand. The similarities are kind of shocking when you think about it. For example…
1. You started watching it when you were a teenager, and you’re still into it, somehow.
3. After seeing a crazy move in an MMA fight/porn scene, you’ve attempted it in your personal life and failed miserably.
4. Most people who start careers in MMA or porn burn out within a couple years — which makes Robbie Lawler and Lisa Ann‘s continued success absolutely miraculous.
5. Your tumblr feed is flooded with GIFs related to both forms of entertainment.
6. Your girlfriend will only watch it with you on special occasions.
7. It’s depressing to hear how little some of these guys get paid.
8. Casual fans only care about their favorite fighters/porn stars. Die-hard fans will watch no matter who’s performing.
9. The rise of the Internet has changed the entire business model.
10. You thought War Machine did a pretty good job, considering.
11. The typical music that accompanies MMA and porn is completely identifiable to both genres after only a couple chords.
15. Sometimes, a 60-second clip is the perfect amount, but you can find some grueling thirty-minute sessions online if you know what you’re looking for.
16. Both activities occasionally remind us how much bodily fluid a person carries around, just waiting to be squeezed out.
17. Back in the ’90s, you had to go to a very specific video store to find the right tapes.
18. Most of your time on Twitter is spent trying to get your favorite fighters/porn stars to retweet you.
(Contestant 1: Christy Mack. In case you’re new to the Internet, you can see lots more of her on Google or her twitter page. Above image via Ranker)
Earlier this month, Bellator welterweight/retired porn-actorWar Machine confirmed that he is in a romantic relationship with Christy Mack, a porn actress with a punk-vibe who has appeared in such flicks as Tattooed Anal Sluts and Trashy. How you react to this news depends a lot on your personal relationship with porn, and specifically with the porn featuring Christy Mack. For the record, Christy seems like a super lady, and we think the tattoo of the tall ship on her back is unique and eye-catching.
So, for those of you who care: Where does War Machine’s romance with Christy Mack rank in the short list of MMA fighters who have dated porn stars? Check out our quick rundown below, then vote in the SurveyMonkey widget at the end of page 2. Results will be collected and perhaps revealed if tomorrow turns out to be a really slow news day.
(Contestant 1: Christy Mack. In case you’re new to the Internet, you can see lots more of her on Google or her twitter page. Above image via Ranker)
Earlier this month, Bellator welterweight/retired porn-actorWar Machine confirmed that he is in a romantic relationship with Christy Mack, a porn actress with a punk-vibe who has appeared in such flicks as Tattooed Anal Sluts and Trashy. How you react to this news depends a lot on your personal relationship with porn, and specifically with the porn featuring Christy Mack. For the record, Christy seems like a super lady, and we think the tattoo of the tall ship on her back is unique and eye-catching.
So, for those of you who care: Where does War Machine’s romance with Christy Mack rank in the short list of MMA fighters who have dated porn stars? Check out our quick rundown below, then vote in the SurveyMonkey widget at the end of page 2. Results will be collected and perhaps revealed if tomorrow turns out to be a really slow news day.
(Contestant 4: Lexxi Tyler. She’s the one on the left.)
Lexxi and her husband — former WEC lightweight champ “Razor” Rob McCullough — look downright normal compared to the rest of these weirdos. Married since 2009, the couple has a three-year-old son together, and Rob gave up drinking and partying in order to be a better father. By the way, Lexxi has only done girl-on-girl scenes during her porn career, so Rob doesn’t even have to pretend he’s not bothered by his wife getting railed by other dudes. Pretty sweet set-up, if you ask me.
On the next page: Brittney, Lux, and the poll you’ve been waiting for…
We’re not sure why every anti-MMA writer out there feels the need to compare the sport to some form of pornography, but when doing a write-up on the historic UFC 157 event some two weeks ago, OnMilwaukee contributing writer Dave Begel did just that, labeling women’s MMA a “disgrace” before declaring that women should just stick to tennis or golf or some sport that wont immediately be viewed as “some kind of porn” by male audiences nationwide.
Unfortunately, we here at CagePotato only have so much time each day to educate these fools via scathing emails, so you can imagine our excitement when we saw that Bas Rutten and Kenny Rice decided to take Begel to task for us. Although the dynamic Inside MMA duo did their best to try and shake some sense into this stubborn old bastard –bringing up such classic pro-MMA arguing points as “Hey, it’s not as bad as boxing” and “Hey, do you watch the Olympics?” — their words clearly fell on deaf ears.
“I don’t want to defend boxing or judo or Brazilian whatever,” Begel states, in doing so proving that he would totally be prepared to defend any of those sports if given the chance, “MMA is designed to hurt somebody. Boxing is one thing, MMA is another.”
Oh, and on the topic of WMMA? Begel believes that — and we’re paraphrasing here — because some of us men have fantasies about two women going at it, therefore the sport is pornographic in nature. We’re not going to delve into the fact that his “theory” could just as easily be applied to the men’s side of the sport, or wrestling, or couple’s ice skating, etc. Instead, we recommend that if you are seeking more sage-like wisdom of this nature, make sure to pick up Begel’s new book , Research: What Gives? — the follow-up to his groundbreaking bestseller, Women: Where Do They Get Off (And How?) — on Kindle today.
We’re not sure why every anti-MMA writer out there feels the need to compare the sport to some form of pornography, but when doing a write-up on the historic UFC 157 event some two weeks ago, OnMilwaukee contributing writer Dave Begel did just that, labeling women’s MMA a “disgrace” before declaring that women should just stick to tennis or golf or some sport that wont immediately be viewed as “some kind of porn” by male audiences nationwide.
Unfortunately, we here at CagePotato only have so much time each day to educate these fools via scathing emails, so you can imagine our excitement when we saw that Bas Rutten and Kenny Rice decided to take Begel to task for us. Although the dynamic Inside MMA duo did their best to try and shake some sense into this stubborn old bastard –bringing up such classic pro-MMA arguing points as “Hey, it’s not as bad as boxing” and “Hey, do you watch the Olympics?” — their words clearly fell on deaf ears.
“I don’t want to defend boxing or judo or Brazilian whatever,” Begel states, in doing so proving that he would totally be prepared to defend any of those sports if given the chance, “MMA is designed to hurt somebody. Boxing is one thing, MMA is another.”
Oh, and on the topic of WMMA? Begel believes that — and we’re paraphrasing here — because some of us men have fantasies about two women going at it, therefore the sport is pornographic in nature. We’re not going to delve into the fact that his “theory” could just as easily be applied to the men’s side of the sport, or wrestling, or couple’s ice skating, etc. Instead, we recommend that if you are seeking more sage-like wisdom of this nature, make sure to pick up Begel’s new book, Research: What Gives? – the follow-up to his groundbreaking bestseller, Women: Where Do They Get Off (And How?) — on Kindle today.
It’s a good day, ladies and gentlemen — adult film star and MMA fanatic Carmen Valentina has returned to CagePotato.com to answer more of your questions and underwear-requests. If this is your first introduction to Ms. Valentina, believe us when we tell you that she is awesome. This is how awesome she is:
I would probably just kill myself and end the misery, but if I had to choose it would be: Marry Mike Goldberg (although hearing him say “Here we go!” every time before sex would get annoying), I might fuck Brock Lesnar and then whisper in his ear, “Cain Velasquez does it better” once it was over, and then kill Cris Cyborg, Scarface-chainsaw style.
I’ve always wondered how BJ Penn got his nickname, it makes sense now! To be honest I am really not that flexible (photo evidence below), but I am flexible enough where it counts.
It’s a good day, ladies and gentlemen — adult film star and MMA fanatic Carmen Valentina has returned to CagePotato.com to answer more of your questions and underwear-requests. If this is your first introduction to Ms. Valentina, believe us when we tell you that she is awesome. This is how awesome she is:
I would probably just kill myself and end the misery, but if I had to choose it would be: Marry Mike Goldberg (although hearing him say “Here we go!” every time before sex would get annoying), I might fuck Brock Lesnar and then whisper in his ear, “Cain Velasquez does it better” once it was over, and then kill Cris Cyborg, Scarface-chainsaw style.
I’ve always wondered how BJ Penn got his nickname, it makes sense now! To be honest I am really not that flexible (photo evidence below), but I am flexible enough where it counts.
bgoldstein asks:Did you see that video of Bibi Jones tearfully quitting the porn biz? What did you think of that? And what would it take for you to retire from the adult film industry?
I only met Bibi Jones once when I interviewed her for a website, so I can’t say that I knew her personally or what made her decide to quit the industry. Everybody has his or her reasons for entering and leaving the business; if she felt it was time for her to leave, then I respect her decision. As for me personally, the day I retire would be the day the industry is no longer fun for me. Porn is not the only thing I do, so I don’t depend on it for my livelihood. I shoot scenes because I enjoy sex, being watched is a turn on for me, and I get to travel and go places that I probably wouldn’t have experienced if it wasn’t for the adult industry.
intercept440 asks:Carmen..has a dude ever “changed lanes without signaling”? And if so what was your response?
Dudes have tried, but I’m pretty active while in guard so I’m not getting caught in that. Besides where I’m from that shit will get you slapped homie.
Viva Hate asks: Big fan, big fan, I have seen all your work, may I also say you are the greatest actress since one Katharine Hepburn. So can I have a pair of them draws? Purely for star memorabilia of course
Sure, what color do you like and do you want them in a zip lock baggie?
geohutch88 asks:I am not familiar with your work…what films of yours do you recommend as your best?
Smack yourself for not checking out my website, CarmenValentina.com. I always take request from my members for requests/ideas they have for future upcoming scenes. If you are a DVD type guy, then check out any of my scenes for Wicked Pictures. Please forward all other inquiries to Viva Hate.
RWilsonR asks:Why have you opted to stay au naturale in the chest region, when most of the industry seems to have opted for enhancement?
I have always been comfortable with my body and who I am. I have never felt the need to change my body plus I don’t want to be a little old lady with huge bolt-ons one day.
Fried Taco asks:Have you ever used a Shewee? Would you use the urinals in the men’s room if you had one?
No, I’ve never used a Shewee. Although I have used a Shticky on a girls vagina once. I guess I would use a urinal if there was no other option, although I’m pretty sure I could convince some drunk guy to let me pee in his mouth.
GetOffMe asks:Was your first pet’s name Carmen and have you ever lived on a street named Valentina?
I lived on Goldstein Ave and my first pet’s name was Ben…but that name was already taken. So I just honestly came up with my name with some friends. I liked the sound of it. The rest is history.
Ksgbobo asks:If you liked me, and I asked you nicely, to make me a sandwich…what kind of sandwich would you make?
You’ll eat whatever f**king sandwich I feel like making at that time, which will probably include bacon.
Ksgbobo, again:Have you meet Shyla Stylez, Lisa Ann, or Amy Reid? If so, what do you think of them? Btw, besides yourself, they are my favorite.
I met Lisa once, she was really nice. The fact that I was able to fondle her boobs was a plus. Hope I get work with her at least once.
Viva Hate, again: Do you properly stretch before filming? I have seen some of the stuff you pull off and seems like you could easily pull something.
Proper stretching is essential. I usually read Cagepotato while in the full split position. I have shot with one girl though who inserted an inflatable ass stretcher in her butt before a scene. (It’s similar to the one Xeno uses so I‘ve heard.) She was able to fit my fist and then this baseball bat sized dildo inside of her. The scene is on my site if you want to check out some wholesome family entertainment.
Got any more questions for Carmen? Drop ‘em in the comments section, and who knows, you might get lucky.
