Armchair Matchmaker: ‘UFC 158: St. Pierre vs. Diaz’ Edition


(If there was ever an image that summed up Nick Diaz’s mental state at all times, this is it. Photo courtesy of Getty Images.) 

By Jack Saladino

After months, nay, years of hype, trash-talking, late night hotel stalking incidents, and promises of Georges St. Pierre unleashing “his dark side,” UFC 158 finally transpired last weekend to mixed reception. While no one was left questioning how great the night’s co-main event battle between Carlos Condit and Johny Hendricks was, GSP’s one-sided, grappling-heavy routing of Nick Diaz — which has become the champ’s M.O. as of late — left more than a few fans wondering just what it would take to get St. Pierre to actually try and finish an opponent. Because if that was his dark side, well, it looked a hell of a lot like his regular side.

On the other side of the coin, many fans saw GSP’s performance as the epitome of dominance and classiness in the face of an adversary that thrives when coercing opponents into playing his game, often through mental warfare and now attempted cheap shots after the bell. Based on his continually skyrocketing ticket sales, it appears that no one has grown tired of St. Pierre’s shtick just yet, but will a fight with Hendricks succeed in bringing in anywhere near as many ticket/PPV sales? And if not Hendricks, then who?

It’s not an easy question for UFC matchmaker Joe Silva to answer, but luckily for him, this is typically the time when the Armchair Matchmaker swoops in and all but does his job for him. So join us after the jump as we break down the potential futures of last weekend’s biggest winners (and some of the losers) in an effort to once again bail out Silva and get ourselves back into the UFC’s good graces. You could detect the sarcasm in that last statement, right?

Georges St. Pierre: Hendricks, then a long awaited superfight with Anderson Silva, then retirement. What…have you not heard about the welterweight champion’s secret UFC exit/world domination plan yet? Well we suggest that you break free from the conformist, white-washed shell of ignorance you’ve been living in all these years and get with the Goddamn picture. Also, the destruction of the Death Star was an inside job. Time to wake up, Taters.


(If there was ever an image that summed up Nick Diaz’s mental state at all times, this is it. Photo courtesy of Getty Images.) 

By Jack Saladino

After months, nay, years of hype, trash-talking, late night hotel stalking incidents, and promises of Georges St. Pierre unleashing “his dark side,” UFC 158 finally transpired last weekend to mixed reception. While no one was left questioning how great the night’s co-main event battle between Carlos Condit and Johny Hendricks was, GSP’s one-sided, grappling-heavy routing of Nick Diaz — which has become the champ’s M.O. as of late — left more than a few fans wondering just what it would take to get St. Pierre to actually try and finish an opponent. Because if that was his dark side, well, it looked a hell of a lot like his regular side.

On the other side of the coin, many fans saw GSP’s performance as the epitome of dominance and classiness in the face of an adversary that thrives when coercing opponents into playing his game, often through mental warfare and now attempted cheap shots after the bell. Based on his continually skyrocketing ticket sales, it appears that no one has grown tired of St. Pierre’s shtick just yet, but will a fight with Hendricks succeed in bringing in anywhere near as many ticket/PPV sales? And if not Hendricks, then who?

It’s not an easy question for UFC matchmaker Joe Silva to answer, but luckily for him, this is typically the time when the Armchair Matchmaker swoops in and all but does his job for him. So join us after the jump as we break down the potential futures of last weekend’s biggest winners (and some of the losers) in an effort to once again bail out Silva and get ourselves back into the UFC’s good graces. You could detect the sarcasm in that last statement, right?

Georges St. Pierre: Hendricks, then a long awaited superfight with Anderson Silva, then retirement. What…have you not heard about the welterweight champion’s secret UFC exit/world domination plan yet? Well we suggest that you break free from the conformist, white-washed shell of ignorance you’ve been living in all these years and get with the Goddamn picture. Also, the destruction of the Death Star was an inside job. Time to wake up, Taters.

Nick DiazWho the hell knows, man? In the weeks leading up to the fight, Diaz seemed like he was going to face facts and actually own up if he lost. Again, seemed. And as he could have hoped for, the Stocktonian had plenty of opportunities to punch GSP in the face without the fear of being taken down or rode like a pony during the fight itself. But of course, once he lost, things quickly devolved into the Tazmanian Devil-esque whir of incompetence and contradicting statements that only Nick Diaz can bring to the table.

While I love Nick, I think he should stick to fights with guys that actually want to stand up and fight. Guys with little-to-nothing to lose. Guys who aren’t afraid of a good old fashioned barnburner. Martin Kampmann expressed a desire to fight Diaz after he lost to GSP, which Diaz fans took as an insult (because of course they did) and took to the twit-o-sphere with a Stockton backlash. That might be the fuel Diaz needs to come in and showcase some of that boxing we all miss. Kampmann is no slouch either, compiling a nice winning streak until his flash KO against Hendricks last November. Two fighters with a slew of KO’s and subs who all but detest the thought of a decision victory; who wouldn’t want to see that matchup?

Jake “The Juggernaut, BITCH!” Ellenberger: Ellenberger looked absolutely menacing against Nate Marquardt, in what was slated to be a “don’t blink” kind of matchup. After a few exchanges, Jake was able to back Marquardt up against the cage and turn a missed body kick into a 1-2 combo that left Nate slumped in the corner, face down, ass up. Ellenberger certainly solidified that meaningless #6 next to his name and possibly passed Carlos Condit in the rankings with his victory. Because Ellenberger took almost no damage in his fight, I’d like to get him back in the octagon soon against another ranked welterweight like Demian Maia or preferably the last Strikeforce welterweight champion, Tarec Saffiedine, who is also coming off a win against Marquardt.

Carlos Condit: Although not completely unexpected, it was Johny Hendricks’ ability to take Condit down at will — not his Spiny Blue Shell of a left hand — that secured his victory by unanimous decision. Condit has now lost his last two fights and hasn’t finished a fight in his past three. He won’t lose his top ten ranking but he will need to rebound well if he doesn’t want to fall victim to the “Cut from the UFC Flow Chart.”  I think his next match up should be tough guy and welterweight novice, Court McGee. McGee might not exactly be a big name, but Condit seemed to be fond of putting his knee into Hendricks’ beard and McGee’s scruffy soup-saver could simulate that same sort of pleasure. What? I’ll use whatever qualifications I see fit. Besides, we know that McGee is always down for a slugfest from his fights with Josh Neer, Costa Philippou, and Nick Ring. Set it up.

Chris Camozzi: Camozzi has compiled himself a nice and almost completely overlooked 4-fight win streak in the UFC since his loss to Francis Carmont at UFC 137. His victory against the always tough Nick Ring is a big step forward in his career and he will be a main card feature from now on. The hodgepodge of middleweights is a good place to keep your winning streak going, but he should be facing an even tougher challenge in his next bout against Tom Watson, a fellow banger and former BAMMA middleweight champ who recently scored a KOTN/FOTN victory over Stanislav Nedkov at UFC on FUEL 7. It would be a great win for either fighter and one that would be sure to be a crowd-pleaser.

Mike Ricci: In his fight versus fellow TUF-loser Colin Fletcher, Ricci managed to secure a unanimous decision victory in a lackluster bout with “Freakshow,” whose nickname could not be less indicative of his fighting style. Ricci’s ability to use his jab and transition smoothly on the ground all the while adding some G-n-P (or GSP…) neutralized the height and reach of Fletcher, which seemed to be his only advantage in this bout.

Like most of you, I’m not really sure why this fight was on the main card; I would have much rather seen Makdessi and Cruickshank instead. While Ricci was victorious in his return to lightweight, he still came away from the bout appearing as if he needs some motivation to really light a fire under his ass. That’s why I’d send him to a fighter who could really put his lights out if he’s not careful: Yves Edwards. The “Thugjitsu Master” is coming off a split decision loss to Isaac Vallie-Flag and would surely love to showcase some skills against Ricci. This match up would be a good fit for UFC 161 in Winnipeg, Manitoba, as Ricci is Canadian. As we know, Canadians really love supporting each other.

What do you guys think? Are there any different matchups you’d like to see in the wake of UFC 158?

UFC 158 Video Highlights: St-Pierre vs. Diaz, Hendricks vs. Condit, Ellenberger vs. Marquardt

(Props: MSN.FoxSports.com)

In case you missed the fights on Saturday, check out these UFC 158 highlight clips from FOX Sports, which recap Georges St-Pierre‘s steady domination of Nick Diaz, Johny Hendricks‘s three-round war against Carlos Condit, and Jake Ellenberger‘s savage first-round KO of Nate Marquardt. Hendricks and Condit both picked up $50,000 Fight of the Night bonuses for their performance, while Ellenberger took home the same amount for Knockout of the Night; there were no submissions on the card. Though GSP didn’t win any bonus-money this time, he did earn a new UFC record: Most title defenses for a welterweight champion (8), surpassing Matt Hughes‘s career total of 7.

The UFC 158 highlight videos continue after the jump…


(Props: MSN.FoxSports.com)

In case you missed the fights on Saturday, check out these UFC 158 highlight clips from FOX Sports, which recap Georges St-Pierre‘s steady domination of Nick Diaz, Johny Hendricks‘s three-round war against Carlos Condit, and Jake Ellenberger‘s savage first-round KO of Nate Marquardt. Hendricks and Condit both picked up $50,000 Fight of the Night bonuses for their performance, while Ellenberger took home the same amount for Knockout of the Night; there were no submissions on the card. Though GSP didn’t win any bonus-money this time, he did earn a new UFC record: Most title defenses for a welterweight champion (8), surpassing Matt Hughes‘s career total of 7.

The UFC 158 highlight videos continue after the jump…

Bellator 92 Results: Khasbulaev Brutalizes Sandro, Marshall & Cooper Punch Their Tickets to the Middleweight Finals

(Bellator 92 highlights courtesy of Bellator.com

Although Mark Hunt’s comeback run in the UFC has been nothing short of inspirational, there’s been a similarly grizzled veteran quietly putting together an improbable run for a title in the Bellator realm of the world (I believed it’s pronounced “The Midwest”) as well. We’re talking, of course, about former WEC light heavyweight champion Doug Marshall, who all but fell off the face of the earth after being knocked out by then undefeated killing machine Brian Stann at WEC 33. Since then, however, Marshall has put together a respectable 9-3 record, including a pair of devastating performances in his first two Bellator appearances. Not bad for a guy we last saw getting crushed by Zelg Galesic in the Super Fight League.

On the heels of an upset victory over season 6 finalist Andreas Spang in the season 8 quarterfinals last month, Marshall squared off against the undefeated Russian Sultan Aliev last night. As we know, these are prime days to be a Russian competing in Bellator, hence why Aliev was a 3-to-1 favorite heading into the affair. The good news? Marshall took another huge step forward in what has been an unlikely championship run, defeating Aliev by way of split decision. The even better news? Despite being napped on for the majority of the first and third rounds, Marshall was handed the victory for actually bringing the fight to his opponent without needing a warning from Herb Dean to do so. It was a decision that you wouldn’t likely see swing in Marshall’s favor 9 times out of 10, but for once, takedowns + top control – any actual offense did not equal a winning combination in MMA. We were just as shocked as you were.

Full results for Bellator 92 and a couple gif highlights are after the jump. 


(Bellator 92 highlights courtesy of Bellator.com

Although Mark Hunt’s comeback run in the UFC has been nothing short of inspirational, there’s been a similarly grizzled veteran quietly putting together an improbable run for a title in the Bellator realm of the world (I believed it’s pronounced “The Midwest”) as well. We’re talking, of course, about former WEC light heavyweight champion Doug Marshall, who all but fell off the face of the earth after being knocked out by then undefeated killing machine Brian Stann at WEC 33. Since then, however, Marshall has put together a respectable 9-3 record, including a pair of devastating performances in his first two Bellator appearances. Not bad for a guy we last saw getting crushed by Zelg Galesic in the Super Fight League.

On the heels of an upset victory over season 6 finalist Andreas Spang in the season 8 quarterfinals last month, Marshall squared off against the undefeated Russian Sultan Aliev last night. As we know, these are prime days to be a Russian competing in Bellator, hence why Aliev was a 3-to-1 favorite heading into the affair. The good news? Marshall took another huge step forward in what has been an unlikely championship run, defeating Aliev by way of split decision. The even better news? Despite being napped on for the majority of the first and third rounds, Marshall was handed the victory for actually bringing the fight to his opponent without needing a warning from Herb Dean to do so. It was a decision that you wouldn’t likely see swing in Marshall’s favor 9 times out of 10, but for once, takedowns + top control – any actual offense did not equal a winning combination in MMA. We were just as shocked as you were.


(Gif courtesy of ZombieProphet/Bloody Elbow)

Speaking of comeback stories, heading into last night’s other middleweight tournament semifinal, Brett Cooper told us that winning the season 8 tournament “would mean I’m among the best in the world.” And after watching the first two rounds of his fight with TUF 7′s Dan Cramer, it looked as if Cooper’s lofty aspirations were all but on their way out the door. Unable to secure a solid takedown and thoroughly outgunned on the feet, Cooper found himself in a similar predicament as Tim Boetsch faced heading into the third round against Yushin Okami at UFC 144. And like Boetsch, Cooper was able to mount an epic comeback, throwing everything but the kitchen sink at Cramer in a wild exchange early in the third that put Cramer down and out. And just like that, Cooper and Marshall punched their tickets to the season 8 finals.

In the featherweight semifinals, Russian (go figure) grappling specialist Magomedrasul Khasbulaev put a merciful end to Marlon Sandro’s tournament run. Despite being felled with by a brutal low blow in the first, Khasbulaev outstruck, outgrappled, and plain outworked the former Sengoku champion en route to a third round TKO stoppage. Unfortunately for Sandro — who I personally feel was gifted a victory against Akop Stepanyan in the featherweight quarterfinals at Bellator 88 —  the performance only furthered the belief in many fan’s eyes that his best days are behind him. We wouldn’t count him out just yet, but to say that Sandro has looked rather uninspired as of late would be no hyperbole. As for Khasbulaev, the Russian will face Mike Richman, who emerged victorious in a close split decision battle with Alexandre Bezzera earlier in the evening, in the tournament finals.

Although the refereeing was leagues above the average Bellator event, did anyone else think John McCarthy was a little off his game last night? It’s really the only complaint we can register for the event, but there were two occurrences involving McCarthy that just seemed out of place for the normally bulletproof ref.

Aside from his somewhat baffling attempt to force Khasbulaev to his feet following the aforementioned low blow from Sandro in their fight, his decision to allow Chris Saunders to take a further beating after having his intestines mushed via an Akop Stepanyan spinning back kick seemed odd to say the least. McCarthy appeared to realize that Saunders was done for as he crumpled to the mat, but for some reason, forced Stepanyan to deliver a few more unnecessary follow up punches before he waved off the bout. Clearly confused by McCarthy’s decision as well, Stepanyan broke out his best Matt Brown/Pete Sell “Seriously, ump?” impression before obliging McCarthy. Check out a gif below (via ZombieProphet/BloodyElbow) and let us know if you thought the stoppage was kind of funky as well.

The full results for Bellator 92 are below.

MAIN CARD
-Magomedrasul Khasbulaev def. Marlon Sandro via TKO (punches) – Round 3, 2:38 – featherweight tournament semifinals
-Doug Marshall def. Sultan Aliev via split decision (27-30, 29-28, 29-28) – middleweight tournament semifinals
-Brett Cooper def. Dan Cramer via knockout (punches) – Round 3, 3:19 – middleweight tournament semifinals
-Mike Richman def. Alexandre Bezerra via split decision (29-28, 28-29, 29-28) – featherweight tournament semifinals

PRELIMINARY CARD
-Nick Piedmont def. Cleber Luciano via TKO (punches) – Round 1, 0:55
-Ricky Legere Jr. def. Sabah Homasi via submission (rear-naked choke) – Round 2, 2:52
-Akop Stepanyan def. Chris Saunders via TKO (strikes) – Round 3, 3:55
-Keith Berry def. Richard Rigmaden via submission (kimura) – Round 1, 1:31
-Josh Appelt def. Manny Lara via unanimous decision (30-24, 30-24, 30-24)
-Aaron Miller def. Shad Smith via unanimous decision (30-27, 30-27, 30-27)
-Brandon Halsey def. Rocky Ramirez via technical submission (arm-triangle choke) – Round 3, 0:50

J. Jones

The 15 Greatest Quotes From the Now-Legendary GSP vs. Diaz Media Call

(Props: mmaheat. Skip to 8:20 for the actual start of the call, in which Dana White announces to everyone that they’re still waiting on Nick Diaz, and Diaz — with perfect comedic timing — says “hello?”)

It’s no hyperbole to say that today’s UFC 158 conference call was possibly the greatest UFC conference call in the history of UFC conference calls. Nick Diaz, who is not known for civility or brevity in the first place, was in particularly batshit form, going off on aimless rants about his “pampered” opponent, and complaining about how he’s not nearly as recognized as he should be, except for when random soccer moms are shouting abuse at him on the streets of Lodi.

At times, Georges St. Pierre was provoked into what sounded like legitimate anger, but he still had trouble getting a word in when Diaz was filibustering, which was pretty much the whole time. (In conference calls, as in MMA, Diaz is a volume striker.) Meanwhile, Johny Hendricks waited patiently for his opportunity to deliver heartfelt lines like “it is what it is” and “take it fight by fight, day by day.”

We can only hope St. Pierre and Diaz’s actual match on March 16th can live up to how incredible this thing was. Check out the full audio above, and join us as we count down the greatest lines of the afternoon…

15. “My life’s a mess. I’m not afraid to admit it. I work hard regardless, through this shit, but I don’t have people toweling me off and handing me water bottles left and right, and getting my training paid for me. I’ve got to do all that shit on my own, and every day I know it, and that’s why I know I have to go that much harder, and concentrate, and do that much more, because I don’t have people taking care of my money or financial tax obligations, or what have you…I’m too busy fighting all your fights, I’m too busy entertaining all the fans. I don’t see anybody else bringing shit to the table.” — Diaz

14. “I think it’s disrespectful that people try to act like I’m not important. You know who I am. Everybody knows who I am. Georges knows who I am. And I know that if I were in his position, I would especially know who I am. Especially. Number one. First and foremost.” — Diaz


(Props: mmaheat. Skip to 8:20 for the actual start of the call, in which Dana White announces to everyone that they’re still waiting on Nick Diaz, and Diaz — with perfect comedic timing — says “hello?”)

It’s no hyperbole to say that today’s UFC 158 conference call was possibly the greatest UFC conference call in the history of UFC conference calls. Nick Diaz, who is not known for civility or brevity in the first place, was in particularly batshit form, going off on aimless rants about his “pampered” opponent, and complaining about how he’s not nearly as recognized as he should be, except for when random soccer moms are shouting abuse at him on the streets of Lodi.

At times, Georges St. Pierre was provoked into what sounded like legitimate anger, but he still had trouble getting a word in when Diaz was filibustering, which was pretty much the whole time. (In conference calls, as in MMA, Diaz is a volume striker.) Meanwhile, Johny Hendricks waited patiently for his opportunity to deliver heartfelt lines like “it is what it is” and “take it fight by fight, day by day.”

We can only hope St. Pierre and Diaz’s actual match on March 16th can live up to how incredible this thing was. Check out the full audio above, and join us as we count down the greatest lines of the afternoon…

15. “My life’s a mess. I’m not afraid to admit it. I work hard regardless, through this shit, but I don’t have people toweling me off and handing me water bottles left and right, and getting my training paid for me. I’ve got to do all that shit on my own, and every day I know it, and that’s why I know I have to go that much harder, and concentrate, and do that much more, because I don’t have people taking care of my money or financial tax obligations, or what have you…I’m too busy fighting all your fights, I’m too busy entertaining all the fans. I don’t see anybody else bringing shit to the table.” — Diaz

14. “I think it’s disrespectful that people try to act like I’m not important. You know who I am. Everybody knows who I am. Georges knows who I am. And I know that if I were in his position, I would especially know who I am. Especially. Number one. First and foremost.” — Diaz

13. “Are you listening to yourself, Nick? Listen to yourself a little bit.” — St. Pierre

12. “I don’t know what he’s going through with the whole ‘dark side,’ or where he comes from, or whatever. I know where the fuck I come from. I don’t have to dredge up some bullshit to get everybody excited.” — Diaz

11. “I don’t get a lot of recognition for what I’ve set out to do here…Nobody knows who I am. I mean I guess everybody does, but as far as like your mainstream magazines and your Nike, Adidas, and all your good stuff, you know, I’m left out of that, and uh, that’s too bad for…hello? Are you there?” — Diaz

10. “I never tweet once in my life. I have people doing it for me…I’m not into the social media at all. Unfortunately.” — St. Pierre

9. “I don’t care if there’s a camera crew in the backseat of my car. I could give a shit. I just don’t like when I’m not ready for it and don’t know about it. You’ve got Georges, and someone is over there powdering his nose out, and send[ing] him off for a video shoot. He’s got someone making a Twitter for him. Now he don’t even know how to talk and act right. He’s got people living his life for him in the public.” — Diaz

8. “Everybody wants to know what Georges thinks and what Georges says, and wants to look like how Georges looks, and wear tight shorts like Georges, and get strong, and forget about jiu-jitsu, forget about boxing, let’s do a Superman punch like Georges. Fuck mixed martial arts. Fuck the martial arts aspect, and jiu-jitsu, and where the fuck did you come from, who the fuck gave you your black belt, I think that guy deserves more credit. Whatever. If you want your disrespect, there it is right there.” — Diaz

7. “Let me tell you something, uneducated fool. Listen to me. [Diaz begins to go nuts in the background.] I have not always been rich. I start from the bottom. I made myself, I work very hard to be where I am right now. I know you don’t believe this, because you didn’t succeed yet, and maybe you will never succeed in your life because I don’t think you’re smart enough to understand how you should do to reach that point.” — St. Pierre. He then went on to explain the concept of passive income.

6. “I don’t understand half of the words that you are saying, because your English is… I speak English better than you, man. Talk to me like a normal human being, man.” — St. Pierre

5. “I deserve to get beat down? That’s what you said, right? Who the fuck are you? You know what, honestly, straight up, I don’t believe you deserve to get beat down. I don’t think that. I don’t want anybody to get beat down. I’d like to win the fight. You’re over here you know me, don’t you, you know me real well, you know I deserve to get beat down…I seriously believe that you told that to the cameras, so you believe that I deserve to be beat down…You’re making those statements to the whole world that I am this piece of shit that deserves to be beat down. Then you let Dana talk like I’m the most disrespectful person that you’ve ever met and I deserve to take an ass-whooping and you’re going to beat the shit out of me? And you let him say that?” — Diaz

4. “We’ll go to our next question from Ariel Hel…Helwinny? Please go ahead.” — The call’s moderator. No, I’ve never heard of this Helwinny guy either.

3. “I just don’t like that I’m made out to be this evil person that needs to be shot down, or needs to be conquered, you know? What the fuck? If anything, I’m like the superhero coming in with the anti-bullshit. Give me a fucking break, are you seriously gonna stick to the bullshit forever? This is mixed martial arts, ladies and gentlemen. This is some boring-ass shit we’re watching, and we should see something new as far as I’m concerned.” — Diaz

2. “Check this out, motherfucker. I pulled up to a stoplight the other day, and some fucking 40-year-old lady, some soccer mom, sticks her head out the window and says, ‘I hope GSP beats your ass.’ We’re in fucking Lodi, bitch. I’m like, Are you serious?…I’m living in a fuckin’ small town full of people who hate me over here.” — Diaz

1. “I hope so motherfucker! If I had that much money, I’d be fucking pampering myself the fuck up. I’d be having motherfuckers pampering my shit left and fucking right. There’d be motherfuckers every hour, on the hour, showing up to pamper me out. Period.” — Diaz, interrupting brilliantly when a reporter asked GSP if he was “pampered.” 

‘The Ultimate Fighter 17: Team Jones vs. Team Sonnen’ Episode 7 — Complete Video & Recap

(Video courtesy of Hulu.) 

Last week, Team Jones was able to chalk up victory #2 after an injured Josh Samman blistered Swede Tor Troeng. With control finally back in their corner, Jon Jones decided to place his #1 pick, boxer Clint Hester, against Team Sonnen’s most decorated grappler in former police officer Jimmy Quinlan. It was a matchup that completely baffled Chael Sonnen, but will Jones’ unorthodox strategy pay off this time? Check out last night’s episode in full above and join us below for all the highlights.

– To kick things off this week, the house is treated to an ever-so-rare night on the town at a local Hooters establishment. Hooters: Our wings might taste like dirty bath water, but hey, tits! Fives are highed. Waitresses are groped. Gilbert Smith repeatedly finds ways to take his clothing off. And by the end of the night, Uriah Hall somehow manages to alienate himself from everyone even further. Collin Hart states his distaste for Hall’s attitude and hope he gets the chance to smash him.

– Hall admits that he hasn’t been sleeping well lately because his desire to nearly decapitate another housemate is eating away at him. You sure you still want a piece of this guy, Collin? Anyway, Sonnen’s assistant coach, Scott McQuary, tries to offer some zen-like wisdom to calm Uriah down. “A non-quiet mind is like a tractor,” he says, “You just can’t stop it.” Not sure which model of John Deere Scott’s used to plowing the fields with, but I’m pretty sure that the worst thing a tractor can do is give you gonorrhea.


(Video courtesy of Hulu.) 

Last week, Team Jones was able to chalk up victory #2 after an injured Josh Samman blistered Swede Tor Troeng. With control finally back in their corner, Jon Jones decided to place his #1 pick, boxer Clint Hester, against Team Sonnen’s most decorated grappler in former police officer Jimmy Quinlan. It was a matchup that completely baffled Chael Sonnen, but will Jones’ unorthodox strategy pay off this time? Check out last night’s episode in full above and join us below for all the highlights.

– To kick things off this week, the house is treated to an ever-so-rare night on the town at a local Hooters establishment. Hooters: Our wings might taste like dirty bath water, but hey, tits! Fives are highed. Waitresses are groped. Gilbert Smith repeatedly finds ways to take his clothing off. And by the end of the night, Uriah Hall somehow manages to alienate himself from everyone even further. Collin Hart states his distaste for Hall’s attitude and hope he gets the chance to smash him.

– Hall admits that he hasn’t been sleeping well lately because his desire to nearly decapitate another housemate is eating away at him. You sure you still want a piece of this guy, Collin? Anyway, Sonnen’s assistant coach, Scott McQuary, tries to offer some zen-like wisdom to calm Uriah down. “A non-quiet mind is like a tractor,” he says, “You just can’t stop it.” Not sure which model of John Deere Scott’s used to plowing the fields with, but I’m pretty sure that the worst thing a tractor can do is give you gonorrhea.

– Back at the house, Josh Samman is feeling the pain from his fight last week. His unofficial diagnosis: A strained left leg muscle. Samman has a history with blood clots, as he revealed last week, and heads to the hospital to make sure he doesn’t have any internal bleeding. After running the necessary tests, Samman is cleared of any possible blod clots and sent on his way.

– Now it’s time for the obligatory fighter backstory. First up: Jimmy Quinlan, who grew up in a small cul de sac in Massachusets. Jimmy lived at home with both parents, and Jimmy’s parents have a real good marriage, so battling in the streets wasn’t exactly part of the gameplan for him. Quinlan talks about his past as a cop (he was one of the good ones) and even gets Uriah Hall to open up about the one time he was pulled over. Spoiler: It was because he was/is black. Speaking of intimidating black dudes, Quinlan admits that Hester is one scary-looking sumbitch, but he will beat him all the same.

– Hester’s backstory is pretty simple as well: He grew up in a large, supportive family, started out with boxing, and after his boxing gym was closed down in 2005, he took to martial arts out of pure convenience. Ten months later, he had his first MMA fight.

– Both Quinlan and Hester come off as happy, laid back dudes in the days leading up to their fight; they even casually joke about “meeting at the monkey bars” to settle their differences on fight day.

Fight time: Shockingly, Quinlan shoots for a takedown almost immediately. After a little resistance on Hester’s part, Quinlan is able to pick the boxer up, carry him across the ring, and slam him Hughes vs. Trigg style. Hester scrambles out of side control and back to his feet, landing a few heavy elbows before he is dragged to the mat again. The two battle along the fence and Hester is able to snag a guillotine, which he basically uses to control Quinlan as he fires off a few knees to the body. Apparently Jon Jones isn’t a fan of yelling, so he quietly mumbles instructions to one of his assistant coaches to do it for him. Hester lands a couple more nice knees and follows them up with a series of punches that forces Quinlan to shoot again. The takedown is stuffed by Hester, who responds with some more solid punches to the body. The rest of the round sees Quinlan finally secure a takedown and finish the round on top.

Arianny is definitely not wearing makeup as we start Round 2: For some reason, Hester shoots for a horrifically telegraphed takedown to start the round. Hester squirms out of a guillotine attempt and lands a couple nasty elbows as Quinlan grabs yet another takedown. In the scramble, Quinlan is able to secure the mount. Hester gives up his back and Quinlan lands some pitter-patter punches until he sinks in a rear-naked choke that forces Hester to tap.

Put the rumors to rest: Jon Jones is officially a terrible strategist. Brings a whole new level of irony to those “Bones Knows” shirts, doesn’t it? But being that Chael Sonnen is a master strategist, he decides to deliver the Team Sonnen jersey that Bones was forced to wear after last week’s bowling challenge in the moments following Hester’s loss.

Next week, the house’s two remaining fighters, Zak Cummings and Dylan Andrews, will face off in the final preliminary contest. And in one of the weirdest coach challenges in TUF history, Jones and Sonnen face off in an excavator-driven obstacle course or some shit.

Team Sonnen
Luke Barnatt – quarterfinalist, defeated Gilbert Smith
Uriah Hall – quarterfinalist, defeated Adam Cella
Zak Cummings
Tor Troeng
Jimmy Quinlan – quarterfinalist, defeated Clint Hester
Kevin Casey
Kelvin Gastelum – quarterfinalist, defeated Robert “Bubba” McDaniel

Team Jones
Clint Hester
Josh Samman — quarterfinalist, defeated Tor Troeng
Robert “Bubba” McDaniel
Gilbert Smith
Collin Hart – quarterfinalist, defeated Kevin Casey
Adam Cella
Dylan Andrews

J. Jones

UFC on Fuel 8: Round-by-Round Recap for Wanderlei Silva vs. Brian Stann

A showdown between hard-hitting middleweights Wanderlei Silva and Brian Stann will act as the main event for UFC on Fuel TV 8. Both fighters enter the bout coming off a loss but could take a major step forward with a victory in Japan. For Stann, a win …

A showdown between hard-hitting middleweights Wanderlei Silva and Brian Stann will act as the main event for UFC on Fuel TV 8. Both fighters enter the bout coming off a loss but could take a major step forward with a victory in Japan. For Stann, a win puts him into the back-half of the title […]