(Gentlemen, it needs more TELEGRAPHED KICKS AND PUNCHES!!)
At last, at last, a remake of the 1989 Jean Claude Van Damme vehicle, Kickboxer, is on the way. Put your worries to rest, Nation, the Karate Kid ripoff once described as “the dumbest action picture of the year” will finally be told the way it should. Not since the Power Rangers reboot have I been so excited to see another blatant cash grab! Focus group testing FTW!!
In addition to introducing “world-renowned stuntman” Alain Moussi as it’s lead, the poor man’s Bloodsport remake will co-star former UFC welterweight champion Georges St. Pierre — fresh off his role as Batroc the Leaper in Captain America: Winter Soldier – and WWE star/one-time MMA fighter Dave Batista. So sayeth a press release sent out earlier today:
KICKBOXER will be directed by Chinese phenomenon Stephen Fung (TAI CHI ZERO, TAI CHI HERO) and produced hit maker Ted Field of Radar Pictures (RIDDICK Series, THE LAST SAMURAI). KICKBOXER will star UFC welterweight champion Georges St. Pierre (CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER), and WWE superstar Dave Bautista (GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY.)
The film will also be introducing Alain Moussi as its lead. Mr. Moussi is a world-renowned stunt man / martial artists, performing in such films as (X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST, IMMORTALS, PACIFIC RIM, WHITEHOUSE DOWN). “Alain is a star and will be an amazing leading man,” said Filed “Like Vin in RIDDICK, Alain will make this movie very special and this KICKBOXER reboot will be the start of an amazing franchise”.
Additional cast will be announced shortly.
A foreign director’s big screen American debut, starring a stuntman, an MMA fighter, and a professional wrestler. HOW COULD IT GO WRONG?! I kid, I kid; this movie will be terrible. In the history of film remakes, there are only a handful that have been anything other than terrible, and they are: Dawn of the Dead, Brothers, Heat, and The Thing. There is no arguing this.
Of course, it doesn’t help that the filmmakers have gotten off to a terrible start by failing to cast GSP as the film’s lead. Aside from his close ties to Van Damme, St. Pierre already has JCVD’s dance moves nailed down…
WAKE UP, HOLLYWOOD. YOU’RE ABOUT TO BLOW YOUR BIG SHOT.
I swear to God, if they remake The Raid, I will eat a baby.