(Step 1: Combine equal parts Rage virus and Mr. Clean’s DNA. Step 2. ????????? Step 3. Profit.)
We don’t mean to sound harsh, but come October 13th, the UFC will more than likely be severing its ties with 9-1 prospect Joey Gambino. As was the case with guys like Antonio Silva and the poor saps who made it onto our “Cursed From Birth” list, it seems that the UFC doesn’t want to give “The Raging Warrior” a rebound match or a chance to develop in the organization, and will sit idly by as he is pummeled into mincemeat on two separate occasions.
We don’t want to write the guy off (but are doing exactly that), but to put it simply, Gambino was basically filleted then submitted by TUF 14 veteran Steve Siler in his UFC debut at UFC on FX 4. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, now he’s been booked to face not only the winner of that season in his sophomore appearance, but the man who absolutely annihilated Siler (among others) in Diego Brandao. The world is truly an unjust place.
Then again, it’s not like Brandao has looked bulletproof since entering the UFC. He will also be looking to bounce back from a loss, which came at the hands of Darren Elkins at UFC 146. Despite stomping Elkins in the first round, Brandao looked visibly sluggish in the second and third, allowing Elkins to use his superior grappling to keep Brandao on the bottom en route to a unanimous decision loss. So maybe, just maybe, Gambino stands a chance here.
But probably not.
Check out a shoddily filmed video of Gambino’s UFC 146 bout with Siler after the jump and let us know if you agree or disagree.
(Step 1: Combine equal parts Rage virus and Mr. Clean’s DNA. Step 2. ????????? Step 3. Profit.)
We don’t mean to sound harsh, but come October 13th, the UFC will more than likely be severing its ties with 9-1 prospect Joey Gambino. As was the case with guys like Antonio Silva and the poor saps who made it onto our “Cursed From Birth” list, it seems that the UFC doesn’t want to give “The Raging Warrior” a rebound match or a chance to develop in the organization, and will sit idly by as he is pummeled into mincemeat on two separate occasions.
We don’t want to write the guy off (but are doing exactly that), but to put it simply, Gambino was basically filleted then submitted by TUF 14 veteran Steve Siler in his UFC debut at UFC on FX 4. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, now he’s been booked to face not only the winner of that season in his sophomore appearance, but the man who absolutely annihilated Siler (among others) in Diego Brandao. The world is truly an unjust place.
Then again, it’s not like Brandao has looked bulletproof since entering the UFC. He will also be looking to bounce back from a loss, which came at the hands of Darren Elkins at UFC 146. Despite stomping Elkins in the first round, Brandao looked visibly sluggish in the second and third, allowing Elkins to use his superior grappling to keep Brandao on the bottom en route to a unanimous decision loss. So maybe, just maybe, Gambino stands a chance here.
But probably not.
Check out a shoddily filmed video of Gambino’s UFC 146 bout with Siler below and let us know if you agree or disagree.
“You think that’s funny? This motherfucker on my left THINKS HE’S A WELTERWEIGHT!”
Finding someone who still gets excited about The Ultimate Fighter is a lot like watching a guy wearing a gi or a Luchador mask in a cage fight: It’s a throwback to the days when our sport was arguably more pure and definitely more innocent. It’s oddly refreshing, incredibly confusing and somewhat disturbing, all at the same time. It’s the type of encounter that you’ll look back on a few months from now and say something like “Remember when we went to that event in the middle of nowhere and they let a guy compete wearing a Psicosis mask?” (Come on, stranger things have happened) or “Remember that night at The Korova when we met that guy who was all about TUF Live?”
That being said, TUF 16 actually looks like it has some promise. At the very least, head coaches Roy Nelson and Shane Carwin should provide some entertaining antics and some original trash talk. The fact that the two were originally set to fight each other at UFC 125 is a nice touch, too. And earlier today, Shane Carwin told MMAJunkie.com that UFC Heavyweight and one of MMA’s most recognizable personalities Pat Barry will be a part of his TUF 16 coaching staff.
If anything else, Carwin and company should be able to revolutionize the TUF coaches ribbing, which, let’s face it, has become pretty stale, predictable and disturbing throughout the history of the show. Looking over the rest of his coaching staff, his fighters will have one hell of a coaching staff to learn from. They’re listed for you after the jump.
“You think that’s funny? This motherfucker on my left THINKS HE’S A WELTERWEIGHT!”
Finding someone who still gets excited about The Ultimate Fighter is a lot like watching a guy wearing a gi or a Luchador mask in a cage fight: It’s a throwback to the days when our sport was arguably more pure and definitely more innocent. It’s oddly refreshing, incredibly confusing and somewhat disturbing, all at the same time. It’s the type of encounter that you’ll look back on a few months from now and say something like “Remember when we went to that event in the middle of nowhere and they let a guy compete wearing a Psicosis mask?” (Come on, stranger things have happened) or “Remember that night at The Korova when we met that guy who was all about TUF Live?”
That being said, TUF 16 actually looks like it has some promise. At the very least, head coaches Roy Nelson and Shane Carwin should provide some entertaining antics and some original trash talk. The fact that the two were originally set to fight each other at UFC 125 is a nice touch, too. And earlier today, Shane Carwin told MMAJunkie.com that UFC Heavyweight and one of MMA’s most recognizable personalities Pat Barry will be a part of his TUF 16 coaching staff.
If anything else, Carwin and company should be able to revolutionize the TUF coaches ribbing, which, let’s face it, has become pretty stale, predictable and disturbing throughout the history of the show. Looking over the rest of his coaching staff, his fighters will have one hell of a coaching staff to learn from. They’re listed for you after the jump.
Trevor Wittman: One of MMA’s most respected striking coaches, Wittman is the head coach at Grudge Training Center, which is located just outside of Denver, Colorado. Some of his pupils include Brendan Schaub, Duane Ludwig, Nate Marquardt and, of course, Shane Carwin. While he’s one of the most cheerful guys in MMA, he won’t hesitate to call out one of his fighters over their bitchassness.
Nate Marquardt: Former UFC middleweight contender, current Strikeforce Welterweight Champion. He’s coming off of a dominant performance over Tyron Woodley that won him the gold at Strikeforce: Rockhold vs. Kennedy earlier this month.
Pat Barry: Come on, like you don’t know…
Leister Bowling: Wrestling coach at Grudge Training Center, extremely decorated amateur wrestler. His accomplishments include 3x Colorado state wrestling champion, Colorado career/season record holder for most wins (154), pins (131) and takedowns (785), 3x NAIA All-American, 4x Central Regional Champion, 4x Great Plains Athletic Conference Champion, 2005 National Runner-Up, and the 2004 Central Regional Outstanding Wrestler.
Loren Landow: Sports performance coach. Has worked with 400 professional athletes, including athletes in the NFL, NHL, MLB, UFC, WNBA and Olympic medalists.
That’s an impressive list of coaches. While we don’t have any word on who Roy Nelson’s coaches will be, we have to imagine he’ll bring in a killer jiu-jitsu specialist. And we won’t hold our breathe on Mike Dolche.
So, does this raise your interest levels for the next season of TUF?
With the recent announcement that Roy Nelson and Shane Carwin have been named as the coaches for the next installment of The Ultimate Fighter series, the MMA universe immediately launched into a full-blow orgasmic ticker-tape parade complete with tons of flying confetti and a marching band belting out death metal tunes. Once I heard the news, it was as if my life instantaneously turned into a beer commercial and the entire Potato Nation was invited. There was a rad pool-party, barbeque, a plethora of hotties, endless alcohol, and an overall quest for fun.
Well . . . . . actually, none of that happened. In fact, when word spread that Nelson and Carwin would helm the next season of TUF, it was officially filed under “WTF?” Judging from the comment section, most of the CP brethren didn’t care for the choices either. TUF is coming off a season that saw the ratings dip lower than they ever had, which could partially be blamed on the move to FX and the dreaded Friday night time slot. Regardless of the variables for the ratings drop, something drastic needs to be done, but is anybody really convinced that Carwin and Nelson are the answer to TUF’s slow and painful demise? Let’s start from the beginning and take a look back to see if this runaway train can be coaxed back onto the main rail.
The Season That Started it All
The inaugural season of TUF featured future Hall of Famers Chuck Liddell and Randy Couture as the competing coaches who would go mano y mano at the PPV after the season finale. For fans of the UFC, that was good enough for most to initially tune in for the Fertitta-funded experiment. It still remains the best crop of young talent and personalities to ever grace the show; future stars like Forrest Griffin, Stephan Bonnar, Josh Koscheck, Chris Leben, Diego Sanchez, Mike Swick, Kenny Florian, and Nate Quarry were all complete unknowns vying for stardom in a fledgling sport. You mix in the whole “fatherless bastard” angle and the show was off and running even before the awe-inspiring climax between (pre TRT) FoGrif and The American Psycho. Even before that, we were treated to the greatest speech of all time that has since been condensed into a few words. “Do you wanna be a fighter?” Though there were other memorable moments from the seasons that followed, Zuffa should have quit while they were ahead because it would never be this good again. The unrefined personification of immature talent, undeniable aspirations and gonzo-sized balls oozed from the boob tube during every episode.
With the recent announcement that Roy Nelson and Shane Carwin have been named as the coaches for the next installment of The Ultimate Fighter series, the MMA universe immediately launched into a full-blow orgasmic ticker-tape parade complete with tons of flying confetti and a marching band belting out death metal tunes. Once I heard the news, it was as if my life instantaneously turned into a beer commercial and the entire Potato Nation was invited. There was a rad pool-party, barbeque, a plethora of hotties, endless alcohol, and an overall quest for fun.
Well . . . . . actually, none of that happened. In fact, when word spread that Nelson and Carwin would helm the next season of TUF, it was officially filed under “WTF?” Judging from the comment section, most of the CP brethren didn’t care for the choices either. TUF is coming off a season that saw the ratings dip lower than they ever had, which could partially be blamed on the move to FX and the dreaded Friday night time slot. Regardless of the variables for the ratings drop, something drastic needs to be done, but is anybody really convinced that Carwin and Nelson are the answer to TUF’s slow and painful demise? Let’s start from the beginning and take a look back to see if this runaway train can be coaxed back onto the main rail.
The Season That Started it All
The inaugural season of TUF featured future Hall of Famers Chuck Liddell and Randy Couture as the competing coaches who would go mano y mano at the PPV after the season finale. For fans of the UFC, that was good enough for most to initially tune in for the Fertitta-funded experiment. It still remains the best crop of young talent and personalities to ever grace the show; future stars like Forrest Griffin, Stephan Bonnar, Josh Koscheck, Chris Leben, Diego Sanchez, Mike Swick, Kenny Florian, and Nate Quarry were all complete unknowns vying for stardom in a fledgling sport. You mix in the whole “fatherless bastard” angle and the show was off and running even before the awe-inspiring climax between (pre TRT) FoGrif and The American Psycho. Even before that, we were treated to the greatest speech of all time that has since been condensed into a few words. “Do you wanna be a fighter?” Though there were other memorable moments from the seasons that followed, Zuffa should have quit while they were ahead because it would never be this good again. The unrefined personification of immature talent, undeniable aspirations and gonzo-sized balls oozed from the boob tube during every episode.
Season 2
Season 2 saw Rich Franklin coach opposite Matt Hughes, and since both men competed at different weight classes, they were obviously not going to fight at the conclusion of the season. This was a prime example of the UFC throwing shit against the wall to see if it would stick by parading two somewhat charismatic champions in front of the camera with hopes of gathering ratings/fans for the upcoming UFC 56 PPV. Although it was undoubtedly a less thrilling season than that of its predecessor, it did introduce to another future light heavyweight champion in Rashad Evans, who won the contract competing as a heavyweight, as well as such names as Joe Stevenson, Melvin Guillard, and future pound-for-pound punching bag GOAT Keith Jardine. And if not for Jardine, the worldmay have never learned that “The Dean of Mean” would make no sense if his last name was Johnson, a valuable take home indeed.
Season 3
Season 3 is one of my personal favorites because of the preconceived notions about coaches: Tito Ortiz and Ken Shamrock. Tito was working the crap out of “The Huntington Beach Bad Boy” gimmick and wore the black hat pretty damn well even though he desperately wanted to be accepted by everyone. On the other hand, Shamrock was the MMA legend who competed in the very first UFC tournament and was the founder of his own training facility – The Lion’s Den. Shamrock was supposed to be the more seasoned coach, but chose to bring in weight lifting specialists and opted to rewatch videos of his UFC fights instead of training during an infamous episode, among other baffling decisions. Tito, conversely, came across as a guy that was genuinely committed to making his team better fighters through technique (believe it or not) and some crazy conditioning drills involving piggyback rides and vacant floors of Las Vegas hotels. In the end, Tito TKO’d Ken in just over a minute and Michael Bisping began his quest to piss off everybody around the world en route to winning the LHW contract.
Season 4 – The Comeback
Season 4 came upon us with the familiar sound of a giant turd smacking against a cinder block divider. Luckily for the UFC, a Ram-Manesque New Yorker with a perfectly timed overhand right came along and the dookie kind of stuck. I am not exactly sure who came up with the idea of bringing back washed up fighters mixed with a few coulda-shoulda guys coupled with a blend of has-beens and never-weres, but I am certain it must have sounded phenomenal during the pitch meeting. This was the only other season that featured an abundance of talent (albeit fleeting talent) like the first season. Shonie Carter, Patrick Côté, Matt Serra, Travis Lutter, Jorge Rivera, Pete Sell, *cough convicted rapist *cough* Jeremy Jackson, Scott Smith, Din Thomas, Mikey Burnett, and (everybody’s favorite) Chris Lytle. All of these guys were waaaaaay professional for any of the usual drama to become too much of an issue, aside from Shonie’s batshit craziness, that is. There were no head coaches but instead guest coaches, and all the fighters shared instructors Mark DellaGrotte as their striking guru and Marc Laimon as the perceived submission specialist. Season highlights include a goggled Burnett self-concussing himself while running through some sheet rock (forgetting that code requires studs every 16 inches), Serra calling Laimon a pussy for never stepping into the real world of fighting and of course . . . . . this. After the season there would be a fundamental plummet to mediocrity.
Season 5, or, the Aforementioned Plummet to Mediocrity
Season 5 was back to a basic grudge match between BJ Penn and Jens Pulver. The session would have been pretty tense if Pulver actually won his “welcome back to the UFC” fight months prior. Instead, Jens got KTFO by a wild-eyed nobody (at the time) named Joe Lauzon. How do you remedy this issue? Make Lauzon a participant during the season and have BJ make the guys raise their hands if they did NOT want to be on Pulver’s team. We were also introduced to the unrefined, yet potent, skills of Nate Diaz (along with his brotherly inspired “Fuck You” demeanor towards Karo Parisyan) and some Ping-Pong skills that would make Forrest Gump puke. So, basically the entire thing resembled a trash can fire without the Doo Wop.
On the next page: Disgusting pranks, trans-Atlantic rivalry, and a pugilist named Slice.
(You call ‘at a breedge? Check out old Albert and get back at me, you tosser.)
And go figure, the British Team is already being called “cocky.” In case you had already forgotten, the “hit” reality show recently announced its coaches for both the 16th season of the show here in America and the second international season. Pitting the United Kingdom against Australia, TUF: Smashes began filming today, according to a report by yourmmatv.com. When asked how the first stages of shooting were going, UFC President Dana White told the Herald Sun that the British team, going against everything we have ever learned about them, are acting unnecessarily arrogant in the presence of their Aussie opponents:
Because MMA is newer here than it is to the United States and the UK, and this happened when the US fought the UK, the US were very cocky and that they felt like you know, `there’s not enough good guys over there.’ Well that’s the way the UK is acting right now and when you underestimate your opponent, that’s when you get your ass kicked.
(You call ‘at a breedge? Check out old Albert and get back at me, you tosser.)
And go figure, the British Team is already being called “cocky.” In case you had already forgotten, the “hit” reality show recently announced its coaches for both the 16th season of the show here in America and the second international season. Pitting the United Kingdom against Australia, TUF: Smashes began filming today, according to a report by yourmmatv.com. When asked how the first stages of shooting were going, UFC President Dana White told the Herald Sun that the British team, going against everything we have ever learned about them, are acting unnecessarily arrogant in the presence of their Aussie opponents:
Because MMA is newer here than it is to the United States and the UK, and this happened when the US fought the UK, the US were very cocky and that they felt like you know, `there’s not enough good guys over there.’ Well that’s the way the UK is acting right now and when you underestimate your opponent, that’s when you get your ass kicked.
TUF: Smashes will feature opposing coaches George Sotiropoulos and Ross Pearson, who will turn chicken shit into chicken salad with the Australian and UK teams, respectively, before throwing down in a lightweight contest at the show’s finale. Both men have the reality show to thank for their rise to popularity, as Pearson not only competed in, but won the ninth season of the show at 155, whereas Sotiropoulos made it to the semifinals of TUF 6 before being knocked out by Tommy Speer (you remember him?).
Having recently made the transition to featherweight, where he has gone 1-1, “The Real Deal” is coming off a tough second round knockout at the hands of the ever-improving Cub Swanson. Having gone loss-win in his last five appearances, a win over G-Sots would definitely help Pearson gain back some much needed momentum. Speaking of momentum, let’s hope the show’s return to a pre-recorded format will help it gain back some of the fans it lost last season. Word has it that five time Academy Award winner Kirk Lazarus will make an appearance at some point this season to offer a few words of wisdom to his Aussie brethren, so we have that to look forward to as well.
Sotiropoulos, on the other, could just be the first coach in the show’s history to receive his walking papers following a TUF Finale match (Jason Miller having just lucked out), although it is highly unlikely. Having dropped his past two fights to Dennis Siver and Rafael Dos Anjos, G-Sots will be putting himself in a hell of a predicament if he drops a third consecutive fight to a struggling, though dangerous, fighter like Pearson.
(For his final masterpiece, Michelangelo decided to pay tribute to the Biblical hero’s fall from grace through the medium of hamstone. The results were shocking, yet delicious.)
As is likely the case for most of you, we here at CagePotato are more than willing to admit that we all but completely missed out on the failed experiment that was TUF Live. The placement of the show on Friday nights, the rehashed trash-talk and pranks between coaches; it just seemed all too played out and tired to really get us hooked. The fact that Dominick Cruz tore his ACL with only a couple episodes to go only furthered our belief that the season would have been a complete loss if not for the uplifting story of the season’s lightweight winner, Don Cheadle (or something like that).
So when Dana White informed USA TODAY Sports yesterday that the coaches for this season would be polar opposite heavyweights Roy Nelson and Shane Carwin, it more than piqued our interest. Aside from being the winner of the show’s tenth (and arguably least talent filled) season, TUF: Heavyweights, Nelson is by all accounts, one entertaining and funny sumbitch. Carwin, on the other hand, has shown before that he is up for a good joshing as long as it is not aimed at him. If you recall, the last time we got on Carwin’s bad side, Old Dad packed up his things, fled, faked his death, died his eyebrows, and attended his own funeral as a man named Phil Schiffley. The last we heard, he was still reporting on all things MMA from a one man vessel in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean out of fear that “The Engineer” was still looking for him. So clearly, the potential for hilarity between these two on the set is higher than Nelson’s cholesterol levels.
(For his final masterpiece, Michelangelo decided to pay tribute to the Biblical hero’s fall from grace through the medium of hamstone. The results were shocking, yet delicious.)
As is likely the case for most of you, we here at CagePotato are more than willing to admit that we all but completely missed out on the failed experiment that was TUF Live. The placement of the show on Friday nights, the rehashed trash-talk and pranks between coaches; it just seemed all too played out and tired to really get us hooked. The fact that Dominick Cruz tore his ACL with only a couple episodes to go only furthered our belief that the season would have been a complete loss if not for the uplifting story of the season’s lightweight winner, Don Cheadle (or something like that).
So when Dana White informed USA TODAY Sports yesterday that the coaches for this season would be polar opposite heavyweights Roy Nelson and Shane Carwin, it more than piqued our interest. Aside from being the winner of the show’s tenth (and arguably least talent filled) season, TUF: Heavyweights, Nelson is by all accounts, one entertaining and funny sumbitch. Carwin, on the other hand, has shown before that he is up for a good joshing as long as it is not aimed at him. If you recall, the last time we got on Carwin’s bad side, Old Dad packed up his things, fled, faked his death, died his eyebrows, and attended his own funeral as a man named Phil Schiffley. The last we heard, he was still reporting on all things MMA from a one man vessel in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean out of fear that “The Engineer” was still looking for him. So clearly, the potential for hilarity between these two on the set is higher than Nelson’s cholesterol levels.
And although Carwin did in fact take a year away from action following his UFC 131 loss to Junior Dos Santos to search the world over for Fowlkes, he also spent a good deal of time rehabilitating his back. Coincidentally, it was this very injury that forced him out of his original matchup with Nelson at UFC 125.
“Big Country” most recently found his way back to the win column with a first round knockout of Dave Herman at UFC 146. Just 2-3 in his past five, Nelson certainly won’t be looking at a title shot with a win over Carwin, but a victory would undoubtedly be one of the biggest, if not the biggest, of his Zuffa career.
And in other TUF coaching news…
For those of you who didn’t stick around to catch the post-fight show on FUEL TV last night, DW also announced that the coaches for the second international season of TUF, which will see fighters from the UK square off against Australia’s finest, will be TUF 9 winner Ross Pearson and TUF 6 standout George Sotiropoulus. Both men have fallen on hard times as of late, with G Sots dropping his past two to Dennis Siver (via decision) and Rafael Dos Anjos (via lawn chair KO). After dropping to featherweight following a 4-2 UFC stint at lightweight and scoring a unanimous decision victory over Junior Assuncao, Pearson most recently screwed our parlay over royally when he was knocked out by Cub Swanson in the second round of their tilt at UFC on FX 4.
So, Potato Nation, do these matchups do anything for you?
(Really, you guys? We all agreed to throw our fingers in the air once that beat dropped and now I look like an asshole up here.)
Sticking to their brief but noticeable pattern of hopping onto novelty trends long after the well has run dry (see Bob Sapp, Bobby Lashley), it appears that the brains behind India-based promotion Super Fight League began filming a TUF-style reality show yesterday. Co-owner Raj Kundra broke the news via his Twitter as things got underway:
Yes we have announced The Super Fighter (Ed note: Nice, Raj. REEEEAAALLL original.) MMA reality show. Auditions are now on pan India.
In addition, Kundra discussed some of the intricacies of the show’s format with the Hindustan Times:
The show will go for 50 days and each week people will vote for who they want to see fight on a Friday night. The fighters will also be given tasks each week.
Given the abysmal numbers this season of The Ultimate Fighter Amurica pulled in, along with the fact that SFL are, you know, hemorrhaging money and all, you’d probably think that this was a boneheaded move on their part. To which we’d partially agree with you.
On the other hand, part of the reason SFL is seeing such paltry attendance numbers is due to the lack of MMA awareness that currently exists in India. Some of the bigger named celebrities who attended SFL’s first event even admitted afterward that they were under the belief that MMA was something along the lines of the WWE, and were abhorred to learn otherwise. A MMA based reality show, however, could easily help stir up some newfound interest in the sport as the first season of The Ultimate Fighter did here in the good old U.S of A.
(Really, you guys? We all agreed to throw our fingers in the air once that beat dropped and now I look like an asshole up here.)
Sticking to their brief but noticeable pattern of hopping onto novelty trends long after the well has run dry (see Bob Sapp, Bobby Lashley), it appears that the brains behind India-based promotion Super Fight League began filming a TUF-style reality show yesterday. Co-owner Raj Kundra broke the news via his Twitter as things got underway:
Yes we have announced The Super Fighter (Ed note: Nice, Raj. REEEEAAALLL original.) MMA reality show. Auditions are now on pan India.
In addition, Kundra discussed some of the intricacies of the show’s format with the Hindustan Times:
The show will go for 50 days and each week people will vote for who they want to see fight on a Friday night. The fighters will also be given tasks each week.
Given the abysmal numbers this season of The Ultimate Fighter Amurica pulled in, along with the fact that SFL are, you know, hemorrhaging money and all, you’d probably think that this was a boneheaded move on their part. To which we’d partially agree with you.
On the other hand, part of the reason SFL is seeing such paltry attendance numbers is due to the lack of MMA awareness that currently exists in India. Some of the bigger named celebrities who attended SFL’s first event even admitted afterward that they were under the belief that MMA was something along the lines of the WWE, and were abhorred to learn otherwise. A MMA based reality show, however, could easily help stir up some newfound interest in the sport as the first season of The Ultimate Fighter did here in the good old U.S of A.
But whether Kundra and Co. are actually seeking to further awareness of the sport in general or simply exploit it for monetary gain remains to be seen. If they are truly interested in the former, then we would suggest they shy away from the fabricated drama and in-house quarreling that has dragged many seasons of the show down over here. Don’t get us wrong, a stank bref joke is always funny when used sparingly, but 100 of them back-to-back kind of waters the hilarity down.
And what exactly are these tasks they must perform, you ask? We’re not exactly sure, and we don’t want to blow the lid on this thing, but one of our anonymous sources gave us the inside scoop on what went down on the first day of shooting:
After a brief introduction, 32 fighters were brought into a small training facility, half featherweight, half welterweight, where they were met by SFL co-founder Sanjay Dutt, arms crossed and eyes aflame. In an attempt to channel Dana White, Sanjay apparently screamed obscenities at each of the fighters until they cried before asking aloud “Do you want to be a fighter that is fucked?” (Ed note: We think a translation error might have been responsible for this bit of oddly-phrased dialogue). Each fighter was forced to consume one Dinner of Doom and a gallon of camel semen before they stepped into the cage, which was surrounded with barbed-wire, broken two-by-fours, and homemade roman candles, mind you. The first man to be knocked out, submitted, or vomited on lost a spot in the house and was then subjected to eight straight hours of the “Bssshop, Bssshop, Now” section of the SFL theme song on loop.
The coaches were then revealed to be Bob Sapp and Jimmy Ambriz, but Sapp was declared medically unfit for competition after bumping his head on the gym’s door frame while entering. According to several of the show’s participants, Sapp immediately fell into the fetal position and tapped out with such vigor that he shattered all of the bones in his right hand. He will be looking at a minimum 6 months out of action. He was replaced by Eric Esch, who was also pulled from the show after falling onto his back in the parking lot and, being unable to flip over to his front and crawl his way to a patch of nearby shade, roasted to death in the Indian Sun.
A candlelight vigil/ BBQ of his remains was held at the TUF house that night, where each fighter gave a few inspiring words as Esch’s signature American trunks were placed on a door that had been kicked off its hinges before filming even began, and committed to the sea.
