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Judgment Day: 7 MMA Fighters Who Will Benefit From the End of the World

(Bendo: Prepared for takeoff.)

According to some misguided crazy people, the world is going to end tomorrow. Apparently, May 21st, 2011 is the scheduled date of the Rapture, in which Christians will be shuttled off into the air to meet Christ, while the sinners will be left behind, leading to Armageddon or something. (For more information, consult this Kirk Cameron movie). If the rumors are true, we’re all pretty much fucked. Still, there’s a few MMA fighters who will be getting the sweet end of the deal. For instance…

BEN HENDERSON
The lightweight standout is one of the more vocal supporters of his Lord and Savior in the cage, shouting out Philippians 4:13 after every win. He makes his fight entrances to gospel music, and has never touched alcohol. Whatever bad stuff goes down tomorrow, he won’t be around for it. He’ll be in mid-air, doing that pyramid thing with his hands.

CHAEL SONNEN

Stripped of his real estate and fighting licenses, Sonnen was just sentenced to a year of roaming the earth with no income, trying to “promote goodwill” and show that he’s rehabilitated. A swift, violent end would probably be an upgrade at this point.

(Bendo: Prepared for takeoff.)

RICHARD HALE AND CHRISTIAN M’PUMBU

For what it’s worth, tomorrow’s Bellator 45 light-heavyweight tournament headliner in Lake Charles, Louisiana, will be the last televised MMA match of the day in this country. If God can hold off the rapture until the end of the night, Hale vs. M’Pumbu could very well be the last televised MMA match ever. That’s pretty damn historic. Not that we’ll care much about history in the post-rapture chaos, but still.

VITOR BELFORT

Famously, Vitor Belfort is the guy who expect Jesus, bro, every day. How psyched is he going to be when Jesus actually shows up on a random Saturday? All the hardships he’s suffered in his life were only tests from God. Now that he’s proven his devotion, he’ll be one of the first to be lifted off his feet, while Stankie stands there earthbound and furious, cursing his fancy ass.

JASON MILLER

Mayhem’s a “devout atheist” who once told a Mormon interviewer, “after my victory, I would like to thank science.” I can see him and Joe Rogan holed up in a bunker following the rapture, splitting a bottle of wine and discussing the mysteries of the universe. It’ll suck to have their cynical anti-beliefs proven wrong so dramatically, but for one sweet moment, they won’t be surrounded by so many assholes.

TIKI GHOSN

…because if you’re gonna go, go out on top.

The 6 Greatest Pick-Up Artists in MMA

Chicks dig fighters — even the ones who talk funny. But even with the natural advantages that come with muscles, scars, and fame, we’re still occasionally surprised by the lady-killing ability of some mixed martial artists. Of all the MMA PUA’s, …

Chicks dig fighters — even the ones who talk funny. But even with the natural advantages that come with muscles, scars, and fame, we’re still occasionally surprised by the lady-killing ability of some mixed martial artists. Of all the MMA PUA‘s, these six are the most accomplished…

DEAN LISTER

Notable conquests: WWE star Milena Roucka (aka ‘Rosa Mendes’), model Flavia Mazoni
Notes: ‘The Boogeyman’ is semi-retired from the sport these days, choosing instead to spend his time training hopeless cases. But in his prime, Dean Lister was just as notable for his ability to attract exotic beauties as he was for his in-cage exploits. Grappling ability plus a cartoonishly strong-looking jawline is a combination that women can’t resist, apparently.

MATT HAMILL

Notable conquests: Bikini model Wendy Foster, a super-hot former fiance named Brittany, an old girlfriend that was apparently down for whatever.
Notes: Snagging a Hooters Girl of the Year would be an accomplishment for any man. But to do it without the use of one of your five senses? Bro, that’s legendary. (Then again, deafness is probably an asset when you’re pretending to be interested in your girlfriend’s stories.) Matt Hamill’s ex-fiance, a bartender from upstate New York, was just as hot, and of course there were those rumors of Hamill’s partner-swappin’ lifestyle with a freaky old flame. Respect the Hammer.

Pre-Thanksgiving Rumor Funhouse

Apologies to those of you who patiently waited all day yesterday for our weekly rumor feature, which has been making us tons of new friends in the industry, believe me. After the jump, you’ll find five juicy items, mostly pertaining to guys getting screwed out of money. As usual, four are complete fabrications, and one is 100% on the level. Can you solve the mystery? Can we avoid getting sued for one more week? Time will tell!

The Race to Get Us Arianny Celeste’s Playboy Pics Begins…NOW!

(Props: twitter.com/tikighosn)
UPDATE: The pics are right here! Unfortunately, we were asked to take the pics down, so that’s that. Feel free to mourn in the comments section.
About five hours ago, Rampage Jackson entourage-member Tiki Gho…

(Props: twitter.com/tikighosn)

UPDATE: ~~The pics are right~~ ~~here~~! Unfortunately, we were asked to take the pics down, so that’s that. Feel free to mourn in the comments section.

About five hours ago, Rampage Jackson entourage-member Tiki Ghosn tweeted the above photo of himself posing with — dare we say it out loud? — the new Arianny Celeste issue of Playboy. As he wrote: "Hey @nicolerichie fuck J-Lo I’d rather go home and rub one out to @AriannyCeleste !!!!"

Tiki hasn’t been heard from since, suggesting that Arianny‘s pictorial may have literally killed him. You know what this means? The issue is out there, people. It exists, and it’s available for purchase. Potato Nation Street Team, ASSEMBLE! We need you guys to check every convenience store, bookstore, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse, and doghouse in your area until you find this issue. You will then purchase it, scan the photos from Arianny Celeste’s pictorial, and send them to [email protected] so that we can post them here. We will reward your efforts to the best of our ability.

Go get ’em.