Tag: TUF 14

‘TUF 14? Episode 5 Recap: Well, You Should Have Broken That Sh*t


(The end of Dustin Neace vs. Akira Corassani…OR WAS IT?? Gif props: IronForgesIron)

After Dustin Pague’s victory last week — which brought Team Mayhem up 4-0 on the scorecard, FYI — Dustin asks his team if they could do a quick “Glory to God” cheer, which Jason Miller actually participates in, even though he’s a die-hard atheist who usually loves to mess with religious people. That just shows what kind of coach Miller is. He let his fighter have his moment, and he didn’t even make Pague participate in a “Glory to Science” cheer afterwards.

As the fighters return to their prep-rooms, Diego Brandao is in Murderous Brazilian Mode (what else is new), and starts to yell at Steve Siler for some reason. “I’m gonna take you head off, bidge!”, etc. Michael Bisping explains that he’s unstable and just wants to fight. Fortunately, he’s in a welcoming environment for that sort of thing.

Mayhem gives Dustin Neace a cowboy hat with a B on it, which stands for “Beast,” his nickname. Josh Ferguson — previously known as “the dude in the cowboy hat” — lays down accusations of swagger-jackin’. (“Come on man, I got one thing going for me here, and you gotta rip it off?”) Oddly enough, Ferguson’s hat also has a ‘B’ on it, even though his nickname doesn’t start with that letter. Unless one of you knows its actual significance, I’m just going to assume it stands for “bumpkin.”


(The end of Dustin Neace vs. Akira Corassani…OR WAS IT?? Gif props: IronForgesIron)

After Dustin Pague’s victory last week — which brought Team Mayhem up 4-0 on the scorecard, FYI — Dustin asks his team if they could do a quick “Glory to God” cheer, which Jason Miller actually participates in, even though he’s a die-hard atheist who usually loves to mess with religious people. That just shows what kind of coach Miller is. He let his fighter have his moment, and he didn’t even make Pague participate in a “Glory to Science” cheer afterwards.

As the fighters return to their prep-rooms, Diego Brandao is in Murderous Brazilian Mode (what else is new), and starts to yell at Steve Siler for some reason. “I’m gonna take you head off, bidge!”, etc. Michael Bisping explains that he’s unstable and just wants to fight. Fortunately, he’s in a welcoming environment for that sort of thing.

Mayhem gives Dustin Neace a cowboy hat with a B on it, which stands for “Beast,” his nickname. Josh Ferguson — previously known as “the dude in the cowboy hat” — lays down accusations of swagger-jackin’. (“Come on man, I got one thing going for me here, and you gotta rip it off?”) Oddly enough, Ferguson’s hat also has a ‘B’ on it, even though his nickname doesn’t start with that letter. Unless one of you knows its actual significance, I’m just going to assume it stands for “bumpkin.”

Siler tells Mayhem that John Dodson has been the mole on their team, feeding the fight selections in advance to Team Bisping. Mayhem decides to use it to his advantage. The plan is to make Team Bisping think that he’s picking Siler vs. Brandao next, when he’ll really be picking another house-rivalry, Neace vs. Akira Corassani. “Akira’s gonna be fat, Dustin’s gonna be in shape, and Diego’s gonna be really pissed,” Miller explains.

Dodson takes the bait when he sees Siler act like he’s trying to cut weight for a fight. Meanwhile, Neace is cutting in secret, like a teenaged daughter of divorcing parents. Wow. I kind of feel bad for that one. Anyway, the plan works, and Team Bisping starts getting Diego ready for war.

Under the cover of darkness, Team Blue steals Neace’s cowboy hat in retaliation for his swagger-jackin’. Neace can’t find it later, assumes Akira is fucking with him again — even though it wasn’t Akira’s idea — and he’s like a race car in the red. He loads up a garbage bag full of garbage, and…I’m not sure what he intends to do with it. But back at the gym, he scatters Team Bisping’s gear all over their room, so there.

When he discovers the mess, Bisping thinks it was a team prank that Mayhem put his guys up to, and starts making wild, derogatory assumptions about the cleanliness of Miller’s house. Neace and Akira shout at each other for a while. Akira wants to fight him right then, bare-knuckle, in the garden (?). Neace responds in his usual style: “We’re going to fight soon. We’re going to fight soon. We’re going to fight soon. We’re going to fight soon. We’re going to fight soon. We’re going to fight soon. We’re going to fight soon.”

And yeah, they’re still running that Tiger Schulmann’s MMA commercial where Louis Gaudinot claims to be ranked #11 in the world. I think he meant “on this particular reality show.”

The fight selections are chaotic. Neace and Akira are at DEFCON 1, jawing at each other during the lineup. They’re so angry that they start ripping off famous Mike Tyson quotes. Dustin Neace (Miller’s #3 featherweight) vs. Akira Corassani (Bisping’s #2 featherweight) is made official for the next match. Akira immediately walks up on Neace and gives him some forehead to forehead contact. Neace reacts by shooting on him. The coaches have to jump in to separate the fighters, which leads to some shoving and shouting between Miller and Bisping.

John Dodson: “All this happened ‘cuz of me. Hey, shit happens.”

After the melee, the teams compose themselves and Miller announces next week’s fight, even though he hasn’t won this week’s fight yet. Maybe Bisping is just too pissed to care. But really, no matter who wins, it’s pretty much assumed that Steve Siler (Miller’s #4 featherweight) would be fighting Diego Brandao (Bisping’s #1 featherweight) anyway. And now it’s official. Brandao does wind up getting screwed a bit by Mayhem’s trickery; he already cut to 151 pounds, and now he has to wait a week to fight.

Mayhem confronts Dodson and explains that he caused a lot of issues with the team. And that’s pretty much it. There really aren’t any consequences, though you wonder how the rest of the team is going to treat him after this. And I mean his actual team, not Team Death Leprechaun.

Akira’s takedown offense is a little bit off, so Tiki Ghosn works with him on getting up off the mat. Good screen-time, Tiki!

Bisping no-shows the weigh-ins, just like he no-showed the fight-selections in last week’s episode. His fighters look pretty bummed about it. But hey, at least he hasn’t missed one of their fights yet. He finally shows up, lifting a big paper bag as explanation. It is never explained what’s inside the paper bag.

After the weigh-ins, the big ‘M’ that denotes Mayhem’s parking space is placed in the handicapped spot of the gym’s parking lot. Just wait, that will become very important later.

Neace says he won’t tap to a submission, but he might hold a choke a little longer. Akira wasn’t impressed with Neace’s double-leg at the fight-announcement. And here we go…

Round 1: Akira lands first with a leg kick, a hook, and a body kick. A spinning back kick misses, and Bisping scolds Akira for trying the fancy stuff. Neace scores with a leg kick, and another, but Akira returns some punches. Neace stalking. He whiffs a backfist and some follow-up punches, but lands a counter when Akira swings on an overhand right. Neace’s reverse kick is caught, and Akira dumps him on the mat. Akira enters his guard and throws down a big elbow. Neace tries to lock him down, but Akira sneaks in another nice punch. Neace looking for an arm. More punches from Akira. Neace grabs a heel hook and cranks it. Akira taps — I mean, very clearly, he taps — but Herb Dean doesn’t see it. So when Neace eases up, thinking the fight is over, Akira keeps fighting, and escapes to his feet. Team Miller shouts “HE TAPPED” in unison, but it’s too late now. Neace scores a takedown. Akira gets to his feet and lands a hook at the end.

Round 2: They trade hooks. Akira is on the move, attacking forward with punches, then clinching against fence. A short elbow from Akira, followed by some knees to Dustin’s legs. They separate. Both guys miss backfists. (Seriously guys, it’s enough already with that shit.) Neace goes to the body with a punch and a kick. Akira drops Neace with a punch, and throws down big shots at Neace against the fence. Akira stays on top, punching down, smothering Neace. Neace looks for a triangle, but can’t get it. He desperately tries to make something happen from his back in the round’s closing seconds, but Akira stays out of danger, keeps busy, and keeps his position.

Before the decision is even read, Akira goes over to Neace’s stool and basically does this to him. There’s another near-scuffle, and Miller (I think?) shoots water at Bisping. Keith Kizer has to step in and be an adult, telling Akira to get his shit together unless he wants to be suspended and kicked off the show. Akira Corassani def. Dustin Neace via majority decision, which implies that one judge gave the first round to Dustin on the basis of, you know, ending the fight.

And so, Akira scores the first win for Team Bisping, in the most bullshit way possible. But that’s life. Sometimes you win, sometimes a tow truck comes to drag your Mustang out of the handicapped spot.

‘TUF 14? Episode 2 Recap: Nervous Nancy


(That’s gangsta. For more gifs from episode 2, check out IronForgesIron.)

As the 16 fighters who survived the elimination round move into the TUF house, some of them hump each other excitedly, while others bury their anxiety in barbecue chicken. Here’s Louis Gaudinot, the green-haired guy: “Dana said the house is 15,000 square feet, but it’ll feel really small; it’s gonna feel like a closet. And I’m already feeling that.” Really? Already? Bro, you haven’t even dropped your bags yet.

After huddling with their assistants to analyze the fighters, coaches Bisping and Mayhem arrive for team selections. The coin-flip lands in Bisping’s favor after a dramatic roll across the room. The Count decides to take first fighter-selection rather than first fight-pick. As we all know, that’s a strategic blunder on par with getting involved in a land war in Asia. The teams break down like this…

Bantanweights
Team Bisping: Louis Gaudinot, TJ Dillashaw, John Albert, Josh Ferguson
Team Miller: John Dodson, Johnny Bedford, Dustin Pague, Roland Delorme


(That’s gangsta. For more gifs from episode 2, check out IronForgesIron.)

As the 16 fighters who survived the elimination round move into the TUF house, some of them hump each other excitedly, while others bury their anxiety in barbecue chicken. Here’s Louis Gaudinot, the green-haired guy: “Dana said the house is 15,000 square feet, but it’ll feel really small; it’s gonna feel like a closet. And I’m already feeling that.” Really? Already? Bro, you haven’t even dropped your bags yet.

After huddling with their assistants to analyze the fighters, coaches Bisping and Mayhem arrive for team selections. The coin-flip lands in Bisping’s favor after a dramatic roll across the room. The Count decides to take first fighter-selection rather than first fight-pick. As we all know, that’s a strategic blunder on par with getting involved in a land war in Asia. The teams break down like this…

Bantanweights
Team Bisping: Louis Gaudinot, TJ Dillashaw, John Albert, Josh Ferguson
Team Miller: John Dodson, Johnny Bedford, Dustin Pague, Roland Delorme

Featherweights
Team Bisping: Diego Brandao, Akira Corassani, Marcus Brimage, Stephen Bass
Team Miller: Dennis Bermudez, Bryan Caraway, Dustin Neace, Steven Siler

Bisping says he got his top four choices for the featherweight selections. “If [Miller] had an ounce of intelligence he’d be picking some of those guys, but he didn’t,” Bisping says. When Miller comments that some of Bisping’s fighters actually look happy to be on his team, Bisping reminds the home viewers that “I’ve won 17 fights in the UFC, he’s a Strikeforce reject.” Bisping has actually won 11 fights in the UFC, 13 if you count his TUF 3 exhibition matches. But who’s counting? He clearly isn’t.

The guys have their first workouts with their new teams. Steven “Last Pick” Siler gets his nose bloodied and has to have his entire face taped up. Afterwards, Mayhem and Ryan Parsons bring their fighters some space-age compression suits, which are supposed to aid recovery, I guess. Team Mayhem appreciates that their coaches seem to be looking out for them.

It’s time for the first fight announcement, and Miller selects Bryan Caraway (his #2 featherweight) vs. Marcus Brimage (Bisping’s #3). It’s pretty obvious what’s going on here. Caraway had perhaps the least-impressive victory in the elimination round, but he’s an adept wrestler, and could exploit Brimage’s lack of expertise on the ground. Mayhem needs to keep control of the fight selections by any means necessary.

“Quinton Jackson and Dragon Ball Z are the reason I do MMA,” Brimage explains. [Ed. note: Nick Diaz and Thundercats are the reason I write about MMA.] Sitting at 157 pounds two days before the fight, Brimage is a little nervous about making the weight, but Bisping and his crew guide Marcus through the sweat-suit/salt bath/blanket pile process, and it all works out.

Bryan Caraway is a bit of a head case, which he’s quite aware of. He’s been to a sports psychologist to work on “positive self-talk” and not worrying about bad things that have never happened. He feels like throwing up before he fights. He was called “Nervous Nancy” on his last team. He’s working on not letting fear overcome him. And this is Miesha Tate’s boyfriend?

Prank #1: Team Mayhem rolls all the training tires into Team Bisping’s prep-room, and arranges it so that a tire is actually blocking the door from being opened. Bisping has to kick his own door open to get inside. And that’s about it. Look, Mayhem’s just getting warmed up, okay?

After weigh-ins, Brimage and Caraway face off, while Team Bisping’s fighters sing the following chant: “Darkness gonna knock you out….Big mistake to call him out…Caraway’s a fucking bitch…Leave his body in a ditch…Darkness, Darkness, Darkness…”

Miller laughs it off (“that was the cutest little show tune I’ve ever heard”), but Caraway’s upset that they attacked him personally. And now they’ve awoken a sleeping, nervous giant.

“This is MMA, and people like to see ass-whuppins handed out,” Brimage explains before the fight. “And that’s what I do, hand out ass-whuppins.” He sees the fear in Caraway’s eyes as they enter the cage. Will it matter that Caraway has an eight-inch reach advantage, four inches in height, and tons more professional experience? Time to find out…

Round 1: Brimage starts off throwing jabs, looking for his distance. But before he can get comfortable, Caraway shoots and scores a quick takedown. Caraway with some punches against the cage. Brimage returns a couple off his back. Caraway looks to pass guard and winds up taking Brimage’s back and flattening him out. Brimage rolls, Caraway hangs on, looking for the choke. He locks in a body triangle. Brimage defending the choke the best he can. By way of encouragement, Miller shouts to Caraway, “He’s having Bisping coaching on grappling right now.” LOL. Caraway getting his hands across the neck, but Brimage keeps pulling them off. Brimage’s mouthguard falls out. Caraway almost sinks the choke, but Brimage manages to defend again. Brimage explodes out and rolls to his knees. Caraway is like glue, sticking on his back and sneaking in punches. There’s the horn, and Caraway takes the round with ease.

Round 2: Caraway lands a counterpunch as Brimage comes in attacking. Brimage fires a superman punch but misses. They swing punches then get into a scramble, and Caraway deposits Brimage on the mat again. “Say good night-night, Darkness!” Miller shouts. Caraway looks for the choke again but Brimage escapes and they’re standing again. Brimage lands a stiff knee to the head as Caraway shoots. Brimage stuffs another takedown, but Caraway keeps at it until he brings Brimage to the mat. Brimage with an acrobatic somersault escape. He gets to his feet and Caraway chills on his back for a few seconds, taking a breather. Brimage doesn’t want to return to the mat, so he kicks Caraway’s legs a couple times then lets him up. Brimage whiffs a head kick and Caraway takes him down again. Once again, Caraway takes Marcus’s back and flattens him out. Finally, he sinks the choke and Brimage taps.

Bryan Caraway def. Marcus Brimage via submission (rear-naked choke), round 2, and advances to the featherweight semi-finals.

Brimage managed to swell up Caraway’s eye with punches from his back in the first round. Still, he feels like he let down all of Alabama. Bisping says the win “put a stupid little smirk on [Miller’s] already stupid-looking face.” He says they’ll win the next one, but doesn’t really sound convinced.

On the next episode: Brimage gets into it with one of his teammates, and a mayonnaise prank goes too far.

The Drunk Michael Bisping Interview is Almost as Good as the Drunk Chuck Liddell Interview (VIDEO)

Some guy from MMANYTT ( a Swedish MMA site) attempted to interview TUF 14 coach, Michael Bisping but it didn’t go over very well, probably because Michael Bisping is an asshole outspoken. It also seems.

Some guy from MMANYTT ( a Swedish MMA site) attempted to interview TUF 14 coach, Michael Bisping but it didn’t go over very well, probably because Michael Bisping is an asshole outspoken. It also seems Bisping could be drunk, or maybe this MMANYTT guy is as bad an interviewer as I am and bored Bisping to becoming slightly an asshole abrasive. Either way, it’s an interview reminiscent of drunk Chuck Liddell on some Texas morning show and you should watch that here because even though it’s like 5 years old, it’s still so fun to watch that it should be what the internets deem a classic.

Then watch Bisping’s shining personality in the video below:

Video: Michael Bisping is a Bit of a Bully When He’s Drinking

(Video courtesy of YouTube/bobbycavian)

Michael Bisping was interviewed by Bobby Cavian from MMANYTT last week after the premiere of The Ultimate Fighter 14 and the slightly tipsy UFC middleweight, although *slightly* less abrasive than usual, was pretty much the exact type of guy his opposing coach, Jason “Mayhem” Miller would have taught a lesson to on Bully Beatdown.

From calling Cavian “a Swedish Hobbit” and insulting his attire to pushing him around and slapping him in the face, Bisping seemed to take pages out of “Rampage” and Forrest Griffin’s playbook for the Q&A session. He better hope he doesn’t meet up with Dan Henderson on the MTV show if Mayhem shows up at his door with Cavian to throw down the gauntlet.


(Video courtesy of YouTube/bobbycavian)

Michael Bisping was interviewed by Bobby Cavian from MMANYTT last week after the premiere of The Ultimate Fighter 14 and the slightly tipsy UFC middleweight, although *slightly* less abrasive than usual, was pretty much the exact type of guy his opposing coach, Jason “Mayhem” Miller would have taught a lesson to on Bully Beatdown.

From calling Cavian “a Swedish Hobbit” and insulting his attire to pushing him around and slapping him in the face, Bisping seemed to take pages out of “Rampage” and Forrest Griffin’s playbook for the Q&A session. He better hope he doesn’t meet up with Dan Henderson on the MTV show if Mayhem shows up at his door with Cavian to throw down the gauntlet.

“The Count” actually made it more than halfway through the interview without bragging about himself, which is quite an accomplishment for a megalomaniac like him. Like clockwork though,  as soon as he was asked a question about “Mayhem” coming in from Strikeforce and stealing his so-called UFC thunder, he says that there’s no way he’s going to let “the codger” take what he’s “worked hard to achieve.”

We’ll now go to Chael Sonnen’s Twitter to speak to these claims:

Some unintentional comedy came out of the interview with Bisping’s revelation that he was voted “The UK’s Coolest Guy of 2008″ behind Liam Gallagher. We can think of a few different adjectives than “coolest” that better suit the name of the award, which, by the way was bestowed upon him by the little known Zoo Magazine.

His insinuation that he and Miller actually throw down during this season of TUF better not be bullocks.

MMA Video Roundup: 8 Local Show KO’s You Probably Haven’t Seen Before


(It seems that local shows have corned the market on doppelganger MMA as well.) 

Quite possibly the most dangerous proving ground in all of mixed martial arts, the local MMA show combines the blood-soaked glory of the big leagues with the fluorescent lighting and seating arrangements of your high school gymnasium or neighborhood watering hole. Often featuring announcers that would make Mauro Ranallo blush and referees that would be laughed off stage by Cecil Peoples, the local show never ceases to be entertaining, as well as a place where some of the sport’s finest talents build their resumes and skill sets. And with all the unknown prospects (not to mention knockouts) we were treated to with last night’s season opener of The Ultimate Fighter 14, I figured I’d surf the web and find eight of the localest, bar-room-brawlingest, shakiest-cameraist knockouts out there for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy.

-Danga

1. “That’s gunna leave a mark” 


(It seems that local shows have corned the market on doppelganger MMA as well.) 

Quite possibly the most dangerous proving ground in all of mixed martial arts, the local MMA show combines the blood-soaked glory of the big leagues with the fluorescent lighting and seating arrangements of your high school gymnasium or neighborhood watering hole. Often featuring announcers that would make Mauro Ranallo blush and referees that would be laughed off stage by Cecil Peoples, the local show never ceases to be entertaining, as well as a place where some of the sport’s finest talents build their resumes and skill sets. And with all the unknown prospects (not to mention knockouts) we were treated to with last night’s season opener of The Ultimate Fighter 14, I figured I’d surf the web and find eight of the localest, bar-room-brawlingest, shakiest-cameraist knockouts out there for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy.

-Danga

1. “That’s gunna leave a mark” 

2. Paging Dr. Marquardt– Skip to 1:07 for the start.

3. In which I prove that all Swedes are not tall, beautiful people

4. Fedor’s first legitimate knockout loss

5. Followed by his first knockout victory

6. Miller Lite – it always goes down smooth

7. A tall gentleman’s first (and likely last) amateur match

8. The “I swear I recognize one of those guys” knockout 

‘TUF 14? Episode 1 Recap: Little Fighters, Big World


(Hmm, where have we seen that before? For more GIFs from the episode, visit IronForgesIron.)

Last night on the season premiere of The Ultimate Fighter: Team Bisping vs. Team Miller, 16 bantamweights and 16 featherweights entered the cold confines of the Mandalay Bay Events Center, fighting for a chance to become one of the last two Ultimate Fighter winners in Spike TV history. As promised, these little bastards came to bang. Only one of them had hair that you could describe as “crazy,” and even that dude looked like he could be an early front-runner.

As you already know, two-time TUF veteran Michael Bisping is coaching alongside cable TV personality/submission specialist Jason “Mayhem” Miller. Even on day one, while they’re both watching the elimination fights at cageside, Miller is already on Bisping’s nerves, although it’s not exactly clear why that is. It’ll take a very special man to penetrate Michael’s stony heart, and only he shall be known as the true king.

Anyway, 16 fights, two hours. Let’s run through it.


(Hmm, where have we seen that before? For more GIFs from the episode, visit IronForgesIron.)

Last night on the season premiere of The Ultimate Fighter: Team Bisping vs. Team Miller, 16 bantamweights and 16 featherweights entered the cold confines of the Mandalay Bay Events Center, fighting for a chance to become one of the last two Ultimate Fighter winners in Spike TV history. As promised, these little bastards came to bang. Only one of them had hair that you could describe as “crazy,” and even that dude looked like he could be an early front-runner.

As you already know, two-time TUF veteran Michael Bisping is coaching alongside cable TV personality/submission specialist Jason “Mayhem” Miller. Even on day one, while they’re both watching the elimination fights at cageside, Miller is already on Bisping’s nerves, although it’s not exactly clear why that is. It’ll take a very special man to penetrate Michael’s stony heart, and only he shall be known as the true king.

Anyway, 16 fights, two hours. Let’s run through it.

[Bantamweights] Josh Ferguson def. Casey Dyer via TKO, round 1. Dyer is a 21-year-old beanpole with a serious length advantage, but Ferguson boldly jabs his way inside, smashes Dyer down with a big right hand, and finishes it off with some ground-and-pound. Quick ‘n’ nasty. Josh Ferguson is the first guy officially in the house. Will his brother BJ be joining him?

[Featherweights] Diego Brandao def. Jesse Newell via KO, round 1. Brandao has a reputation as a knockout artist, but shoots for a takedown as soon as Newell starts landing on him. Brandao briefly takes his back. Newell gets out but Brandao clocks him with a looping left, following by a Hendo-style flying tomahawk punch. In just a minute of fighting, Newell’s face looks like roadkill. ”THAT’S THE FUCKING TUF!” Brandao shouts.

[BW] John Dodson def. Brandon Merkt via TKO, round 1. John Dodson is a tiny, tiny man, but my God is he fast. He whips in kicks and punches before Merkt can even react to them. Dodson lands a great body shot that crumbles Merkt, then a knee/punches blitz that finishes him. And just for fun, he executes a celebratory backflip off the cage. Dodson might be a little small for the weight, but he’s a future contender at 125. Not that I’d count him out on the show.

[FW] Dennis Bermudez def. Jimmie Rivera via TKO, round 2. Bermudez’s wrestling career was cut short by a pregnant girlfriend. Two years later, he finds out the kid isn’t his. He uses that rage to fuel him. But things look dicey in the beginning. Bermudez might be a good wrestler, but his striking defense leaves a lot to be desired. Rivera tees off on him in round one, and at one point it looks like Bermudez is flash-KO’d. Luckily he survives to the bell, and turns it around in round 2. Bermudez stumbles Rivera with strikes, rushes in with a knee, and takes Rivera’s back. Bermudez flattens Rivera out, and pounds the side of his head until the ref steps in. Great comeback win.

[BW] Roland Delorme def. BJ Ferguson via submission (triangle choke), round 1. Ferguson lands some punches, takes a nut shot, and shoots into a guillotine. He coverts the takedown and Delorme loses his hold. Delorme gets up, and uses a standing kimura to flip Ferguson to the mat. He switches to an armbar, and Ferguson scrambles to survive it, but then Delorme switches to a triangle and he ain’t getting out of that shit.

[FW] Marcus Brimage def. Bryson Wailehua-Hansen via TKO, round 2. Brimage throws his punches with bad motherfucking intentions. Hanson has the advantage for a while in the first round, taking Brimage’s back and working for the rear-naked. Brimage throws punches behind his head the whole time, trying to knock Hansen out; you gotta credit the man’s balls. He finally escapes, gets to his feet, and starts landing brutal shots on Hansen. Hansen is stunned, but keeps upright. It seems like Brimage might gas out trying to take Hansen’s head off his shoulders, but the bell saves them both. In round two, Brimage finishes what he started, slugging Hansen’s face until the ref calls a standing TKO. Arguably an early stoppage, considering that Hansen was still throwing punches when the fight was called, but the boy just wasn’t going to go down.

[BW] Johnny Bedford def. Carson Beebe via submission (neck crank/guillotine choke), round 1. Well damn, we already know how this one is going to end, if Beebe is on the supporting card of War Machine vs. Gideon Ray. Carson wants to step out of the shadow of his former WEC-champ brother, but it won’t happen today. Bedford scores a pair of takedowns early, and abuses Beebe against the fence. Beebe escapes and fights back, landing some punches, but Bedford fires back harder, landing a nasty inside hook from a clinch, then an elbow on the exit. Bedford stuns Beebe with a punch and knee and sinks the sub on the ground.

[BW] Dustin Pague def. Tateki Matsuda via majority decision. Matsuda is the 1st Japanese fighter in TUF history. Really, it’s taken 14 seasons? (What was Andy Wang, again?) Like Dodson, Matsuda might be small for the weight. But he’s from a Muay Thai background, and it shows. He seems to outstrike Pague handily in round 1, and does pretty well in the second, although Pague may have earned it with some wrestling and top control. Unfortunately, there’s no love for an Asian boy, and Pague gets the judges’ nod after two rounds. Kinda bullshit.

We switch into abridged highlight-mode for the next few fights…

[BW] Louis Gaudinot def. Paul McVeigh via TKO, round 3. Gaudinot is the dude with the Hermes Franca hair and Diego Sanchez face. McVeigh says he’s been kicking around as the #1 bantamweight in Europe, for whatever that’s worth. Michael Bisping takes a moment to tell us that Mayhem “looks like a cross between Josh Koscheck and a toilet brush with his current hairstyle.” After an evenly matched first round, Gaudinot comes alive in the second with a takedown and strikes. They go to sudden victory. Gaudinot pulls off a upside-down back elbow in the third — something Jon Jones or Urijah Faber might come up with — and starts laying into McVeigh. Gaudinot smashes McVeigh with elbows from the top, scoring a TKO and ending a crazy fight.

[FW] Bryan Caraway def. Eric Marriot via unanimous decision. Miesha Tate’s boyfriend wins the first round on the basis of submission attempts, then lay-and-prays through the second. Okay, so they’re not all great fights. Of all the guys who advance into the house, Dana seems least impressed with Bryan — but he points out that if you can’t defend wrestling, you don’t belong here anyway.

[FW] Dustin Neace def. Josh Clopton via unanimous decision. Another questionable call from the judges. Bisping and DW thought Clopton win it. Clopton has himself a good cry afterwards.

[BW] TJ Dillashaw def. Matt Jaggers via TKO, round 1. Team Alpha Male product Dillashaw is aggressive, and a little wild with his striking. Dillashaw gets it to the ground and works some savage GnP. He scores mount, but Jaggers uses the fence to kick out. Dillashaw with a right hand, Jaggers with a body shot. Dillashaw shoots again and moves to side control, then mount again and more ground-and-pound. In the final seconds of the round, Dillashaw pours down some killer elbows. Jaggers loses consciousness just as the horn sounds.

[FW] Steven Siler def. Micah Miller via submission (guillotine choke), round 3. Cole Miller’s brother is the most experienced guy in the pack, and he’s confident about his chances. (“I may not know who he is, but he knows who I am, and he knows he’s screwed,” Micah says.) Siler looks nervous, and Dana crosses off his name before the fight even starts. But it’s just a bad day for fighters with more-famous brothers. Despite his shook-ass demeanor, Siler came to fight, and in the third round, Miller shoots for a takedown and gets guillotined.

[BW] John Albert def. Orville Smith via submission (rear-naked choke), round 1. Albert spends the whole round looking for a finish on the ground, despite his corner’s pleas to keep it standing. He gets the finish, and everybody else looks like assholes.

[FW] Stephen Bass def. Karsten Lenjoint via submission (triangle choke), round 2. That’s pretty much all you need to know.

[FW] Akira Corassani def. Brian Pearman via TKO, round 1. Pearman starts out as the aggressor. He nails a takedown and looks for a d’arce choke on the ground. Corassani escapes and goes for the ten-finger guillotine, but loses it. After some dirty boxing, Corassani lands a spinning backfist and starts to gain momentum. Corassani uses Pearman’s head for target practice, but Pearman has a strong damn chin on him. Finally, Corassani finds his button and Pearman drops like a sack of pears, man. Akira celebrates by spraying water on Jason Miller.

All in all, the 16 fights resulted in eight knockouts, five submissions, and three decisions — and those three decisions all came after two rounds, so who knows what could have happened if they went to a third. Good show, all around. Dana tells the boys that he’s “overly impressed” with what he saw, and gives them props for producing some of the best fights on TUF, ever.

Coming up on this season of The Ultimate Fighter: Donkeys, mariachis, bug-eating, silly-string, naked men — and hopefully some fights, too!