“It’s horrible… and every time I’ve got to see, ‘Ex-UFC fighter’ when the stories are written. “He fought twice! Six years ago!” said White of War Machine, “He was a current Bellator, Viacom fighter. He fights for Viacom. Not the UFC.’ ”
An understandable frustration, as the last thing the MMA community needed was to be unfairly labeled as, I don’t know, a horrifying culture of misogynists. When Thiago Silva was arrested months prior for, I repeat, sticking a gun in his wife’s mouth and engaging in an armed standoff with police, White told reporters that Silva “will never fight in the UFC again.” It was a minor, albeit comforting thing to know in an otherwise disturbing string of events.
And it lasted eight months. Eight f*cking months.
And what a terrific photo selection, given the circumstances. (*slams head off desk*)
“It’s horrible… and every time I’ve got to see, ‘Ex-UFC fighter’ when the stories are written. “He fought twice! Six years ago!” said White of War Machine, “He was a current Bellator, Viacom fighter. He fights for Viacom. Not the UFC.’ ”
An understandable frustration, as the last thing the MMA community needed was to be unfairly labeled as, I don’t know, a horrifying culture of misogynists. When Thiago Silva was arrested months prior for, I repeat, sticking a gun in his wife’s mouth and engaging in an armed standoff with police, White told reporters that Silva “will never fight in the UFC again.” It was a minor, albeit comforting thing to know in an otherwise disturbing string of events.
And it lasted eight months. Eight f*cking months.
Now cleared of all charges in his domestic assault case due to the fact that his ex-wife has left the country (likely out of fear), Thiago Silva has been re-signed by the UFC. I’ll say that again, Thiago Silva has been *re-signed* by the UFC.
The announcement was made by representatives from Silva’s Blackzilians camp earlier today and confirmed by several sources.
Look, I know we may hate on the UFC to excess around here, but this move is nothing short of ridiculous. Aside from Silva’s recent legal troubles, which one final time, involved him sticking a gun in his ex-wife’s mouth, Silva has also been busted for falsifying a urine sample and testing positive for marijuana while under UFC contract (during a stretch between 2010-12 where he went 0-2 with 2 NC). He also missed weight for his most recent fight at Fight Night 29, but apparently, it takes more than three strikes before you’re out in the UFC. Or more than five.
Seriously, the overwhelming display of incompetence by the UFC is nothing short of astounding here. Literally everything about Thiago Silva screams liability, yet because he is a moderately known name who puts on occasionally thrilling performances, he has been welcomed back with open arms by the same organization that fired Jason High for shoving a ref before even reviewing the footage. Crazy pills, I feel like I’m taking them.
Could someone explain to me what exactly are the grounds for permanent expulsion under this magical Code of Conduct the UFC loves to wave around whenever it’s convenient? Because Thiago Silva is a arson charge away from completing the Decathlon of Unprofessionalism and is seemingly being rewarded every step of the way.
I can’t wait to see how the UFC’s spinmaster tries to handle this one.
“Silva’s a good guy and the victim of a big misunderstanding. He didn’t beat his woman within an inch of her life, he just said some things that got taken out of context. And plus, he’s technically innocent! What else do you f*cking people need? Honestly, the way you media f*cks chose to attack him without knowing all the facts is f*cking disgusting, and you should all be ashamed of yourselves. F*ck.”
Still just 31 years old — he made his pro debut in September 2001, just days after his 19th birthday — Riggs is already a veteran of 55 MMA fights. It’s hard to say how much gas “Diesel” has left in the tank, although it’s good to see him potentially earning some paychecks again, considering that he recently got his ass dug out by the IRS.
There are only two appropriate reactions to winning an MMA fight. You can either find the nearest camera and do the throat-slitting gesture. Or, you can point at a random member of the crowd, lean to the side, and…sorry, I have no idea what the hell this is.
Here we have Japanese flyweight Takuya Eizumi giving us nightmares after outpointing Yusei Shimokawa at Pancrase 259 last month. The MMA troll-face game is heating up, folks. Fabricio Werdumneeds to stephis game up if he hopes to stay competitive.
There are only two appropriate reactions to winning an MMA fight. You can either find the nearest camera and do the throat-slitting gesture. Or, you can point at a random member of the crowd, lean to the side, and…sorry, I have no idea what the hell this is.
Here we have Japanese flyweight Takuya Eizumi giving us nightmares after outpointing Yusei Shimokawa at Pancrase 259 last month. The MMA troll-face game is heating up, folks. Fabricio Werdumneeds to stephis game up if he hopes to stay competitive.
At least wrestling allows us to tune in and out, without the pressure of having to watch every single event. The reason we love pro wrestling so much is because, like David Wooderson says about high school girls in Dazed & Confused, we get older and they stay the same age.
If anything, pro wrestling has become more mature than its fanbase, despite the WWE’s PG-rating. One thing we have to deal with less are the bad costumes — painted-on gimmicks that were never going to work, no matter how hard they were forced down our throats.
Here are 15 of the most senseless and detestable costumes inflicted upon some good wrestlers, and some really bad ones.
15. The Goon
Guys like Tie Domi and Bob Probert were NHL sluggers in the mid-1990s, so maybe that explains The Goon’s odd inclusion into the world of pro wrestling. It would have been cool if this guy came to the ring in actual skates, instead of those platform boots that are mostly favored by goth teenagers and drag queens these days.
14. Rocky Maivia
(Nothing says “tough guy” like fake muscles and a landing strip.)
At least wrestling allows us to tune in and out, without the pressure of having to watch every single event. The reason we love pro wrestling so much is because, like David Wooderson says about high school girls in Dazed & Confused, we get older and they stay the same age.
If anything, pro wrestling has become more mature than its fanbase, despite the WWE’s PG-rating. One thing we have to deal with less are the bad costumes — painted-on gimmicks that were never going to work, no matter how hard they were forced down our throats.
Here are 15 of the most senseless and detestable costumes inflicted upon some good wrestlers, and some really bad ones.
15. The Goon
Guys like Tie Domi and Bob Probert were NHL sluggers in the mid-1990s, so maybe that explains The Goon’s odd inclusion into the world of pro wrestling. It would have been cool if this guy came to the ring in actual skates, instead of those platform boots that are mostly favored by goth teenagers and drag queens these days.
14. Rocky Maivia
He’s one of the most popular wrestlers to ever live and he could be the greatest of all-time, but unfortunately, Dwayne Johnson’s pre-Rock costume screams “lead role in a porn spoof of Braveheart.” Seriously, what in the name of Christ were the wardrobe specialists trying to do here? No wonder fans wanted him to die. Although when it’s all said and done, the joke’s on us for not making $44 million a year to star in a profusion of C-list movies.
The most frustrating thing about Phantasio was that his build could have led to something further down the road. I’m not sure he was a good wrestler, because I can’t really remember and the last thing I want to do is give him three minutes more of my time on YouTube, but had they ditched the Phantom of The Opera shtick, this guy could have, well, been someone else. He’s just so creepy, like someone who strangely appears at the end of your wet dream for absolutely no reason.
11. Shark Boy
When TNA wasn’t worse than a Friends spinoff, they were pretty fun to watch. One of their wrestlers, Shark Boy, had commenced his gimmick in the later stages of WCW (what better place to start) and thrived under the Tennessee-based company. He was more or less a really skinny dude who wore a shark mask and spandex that looked as if he was trying to be a shark. Never has a wrestler gone so far with a child’s dollar-store Halloween costume.
Today’s entry, however, is something of an entirely new breed. It’s what some would call “avant-garde”; combining equal parts Transformers cartoon and Tim and Eric sketch with some of the most proficient Microsoft Paint skills ever put on display. It’s goddamn glorious to be completely frank. Tweeted out by Eddie Bravo yesterday, “Adventures in Ronda Rousey Land” is one of the most brilliantly-retarded things you or I will ever see, so do yourself a favor and check it out after the jump.
Today’s entry, however, is something of an entirely new breed. It’s what some would call “avant-garde”; combining equal parts Transformers cartoon and Tim and Eric sketch with some of the most proficient Microsoft Paint skills ever put on display. It’s goddamn glorious to be completely frank. Tweeted out by Eddie Bravo yesterday, “Adventures in Ronda Rousey Land” is one of the most brilliantly-retarded things you or I will ever see, so do yourself a favor and check it out once or a hundred times.
(Yeah, you bet your ass fictionalization! Via Arthurdent.)
If you’ve been watching any Spike TV program lately — be it a Bellator event, a Bar Rescue marathon, or an episode of Auction Hunters (if you’re some kind of masochist) — chances are you’ve caught at least one of Chuck Liddell‘s promo spots for Duralast. Even though he’s been removed from the game some four years now, Liddell remains a more marketable MMA personality than say, Renan Barao (sorry Dana), which makes him the perfect guy to hawk car batteries and brakes. You know, tough guy stuff.
The Iceman being The Iceman, Liddell’s ads have featured the typical mix of stilted line delivery and goofball insanity that we have come to expect of Ol’ Chucky boy. The problem is, some of them take major liberties in regards to the quality of Duralast products, while others are unrealistic to the point of false advertising. Lucky for you, we’re here to clear everything up. Let’s get started.
“Walk the Walk”
First of all, I highly doubt that simply holding a Duracell battery grants one the power necessary to walk through concrete walls. That is not how automotive batteries work. They must first be attached to a power source before they can generate any kind of voltage. In fact, given that the average battery weighs around 40 pounds, I posit that carrying a car battery would only diminish one’s chances of walking through a wall, in that it would severely weaken the carrier, especially in the adverse desert conditions that Liddell appears to be traversing through.
Now, onto the rhino. Rhinos do not live in deserts. They are grazers who seek out savannahs and areas of densely-vegetated, palatable grasses as their habitats. Additionally, white rhinos like the one featured in this ad are pack travelers, but even if this particular rhino were to be separated from its clan and wander into a desert, it would still be impossible to lift said rhino, even in its weakened state, with one hand while carrying a car battery in the other.
(Yeah, you bet your ass fictionalization! Via Arthurdent.)
If you’ve been watching any Spike TV program lately — be it a Bellator event, a Bar Rescue marathon, or an episode of Auction Hunters (if you’re some kind of masochist) — chances are you’ve caught at least one of Chuck Liddell‘s promo spots for Duralast. Even though he’s been removed from the game some four years now, Liddell remains a more marketable MMA personality than say, Renan Barao (sorry Dana), which makes him the perfect guy to hawk car batteries and brakes. You know, tough guy stuff.
The Iceman being The Iceman, Liddell’s ads have featured the typical mix of stilted line delivery and goofball insanity that we have come to expect of Ol’ Chucky boy. The problem is, some of them take major liberties in regards to the quality of Duralast products, while others are unrealistic to the point of false advertising. Lucky for you, we’re here to clear everything up. Let’s get started.
“Walk the Walk”
First of all, I highly doubt that simply holding a Duralast battery grants one the power necessary to walk through concrete walls. That is not how automotive batteries work. They must first be attached to a power source before they can generate any kind of voltage. In fact, given that the average battery weighs around 40 pounds, I posit that carrying a car battery would only diminish one’s chances of walking through a wall, in that it would severely weaken the carrier, especially in the adverse desert conditions that Liddell appears to be traversing through.
Now, onto the rhino. Rhinos do not live in deserts. They are grazers who seek out savannahs and areas of densely-vegetated, palatable grasses as their habitats. Additionally, white rhinos like the one featured in this ad are pack travelers, but even if this particular rhino were to be separated from its clan and wander into a desert, it would still be impossible to lift said rhino, even in its weakened state, with one hand while carrying a car battery in the other.
Finally, there is no known military vehicle on the market that shoots a blast of ice like Sub-Zero. Even if this technology were developed, it would make (sub) zero sense to place it in the desert, where it would be rendered virtually useless. And contrary to the theory that Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull put forth, no human can survive a nuclear blast simply by being a badass. Moving on…
“Stopping Power”
Even granting Mr. Liddell the ability to stop a charging bull with a brake pad, there is no conceivable way in which he could stop a wrecking ball with his head. The force required to crush a human skull is between 16 and 196 psi. A wrecking ball is made of solid steel, weighs anywhere between 1,000 and 7,000 kilograms, and can swing at speeds of up to 4 ft/s. If the logic in this ad were to hold up, it would mean that Rich Franklin essentially possesses Superman-level strength in his right hand, and we all know that Superman is a fictional character created by DC comics to capture the imagination of pre-teens and grown men who never learned what books are.
And as for that preposterous mid-air stop, just no. Callahan brake pads, long considered to be the finest brake pads ever built, grant a vehicle traveling 55 mph a stopping distance of 16 metres (as demonstrated by auto tycoon Tommy Callahan here). To propose that a vehicle’s brakes could be powerful enough to stop said vehicle — free falling at an average velocity of 9.8 m/s² — in mid-air is simply ludicrous. This is not the Looney Tunes. These are real f*cking people’s lives we’re talking about here.
Tough of Legend — Yeti
I don’t mean to poke holes in your little story, Chuck, but how exactly did these two friends manage to turn a car battery into some sort of impromptu defibrillator? Did one of them happen to be MacGyver? And why the hell were they carrying a Duralast battery through the woods in the first place? And if the story is, by your own admission, possibly fabricated, how does that prove the toughness of Duralast batteries? If anything, it proves that the people behind this Duralast marketing campaign are nothing more than snake oil salesman praying on our common fear of the unknown to push their own personal agenda and profit from it. Thanks, but not in my America!
Tough of Legend — Marriage
I may not be married, but I highly doubt that a simple breach of latrine etiquette by itself could be enough to break up a marriage. Clearly, something else was going on there. Was this husband a habitual line-stepper when it came to the toilet seat? The wife a bipolar schizophrenic prone to overreacting and making rash decisions at the drop of a hat? I want answers, Mr. Liddell, and you’re simply not providing them with your anecdotal tales of Duralast products. Stopping a train by attaching brake pads to one’s feet? GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT NOISE.
Will it Crush? Duralast vs. Dental Hygiene
Alright, Duralast marketing people, I’ve had just about enough of this. If you want to market your product by capturing the niche market of crush-porn fetishists, that’s fine. But don’t you dare try and tell me that a car battery’s ability to crush a bottle of toothpaste, or a dozen eggs, or a porcelain elephant, or fun (FUN!) somehow equates to the superiority of your product.
As previously mentioned, the average car battery weighs around 40 pounds regardless of its make or model, so to boldly declare that your battery is somehow better than a Kirkland Signature or EverStart based simply on its ability to do something your competitors believed to be common knowledge is not only moronic, but misleading, bamboozling, and downright deplorable. Everyone in this room is now dumber for have witnessed your cheap attempts at exploitation through bloated and egocentric false marketing. I award you zero points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
