(This is a Tank Abbott professional wrestling action figure produced and sold by the WWE. Spoiler alert: It is easily a much better Christmas present for the MMA fans in your life than ANYTHING on this list.)
From ugly t-shirts to video games with comically deformed characters, MMA fans don’t exactly have a ton of half-decent options for Christmas presents. So it should probably go without saying that if you see that one of your presents is from UFCStore.com tomorrow morning, you should just throw the damn thing in the trash without opening it. Trust me, whatever is inside of that box is a Christmas tragedy the likes of which would make Agatha Christie blush.
The UFC’s official shop is not only littered with exactly the ugly, trashy, tasteless merchandise that you’d expect to see the Eddie Justbleeds of the world own, but also some incredibly confusing, useless products that suggest that maybe the UFC isn’t fully comfortable catering to said Justbleeds. I mean, for a company whose fan base is constantly measuring its collective dick, you’d think they’d be selling things like a UFC Belt Sander instead of a hyper-masculine UFC Shoe Bag.
So it’s in that spirit that I’ll be ranking the fifteen most depressing UFC items that you can currently buy — or, likely, receive as a Christmas present tomorrow — from UFCStore.com. Two rules: Number one, only UFC and UFC Gym brand items are eligible for inclusion, because as much as I’d love to include this eyesore, I’m not nearly enough of a masochist to rank every last item that awful place has up for grabs. And number two: It isn’t enough for an item to simply be extremely ugly, pointless, overpriced, dated or just plain stupid. No, for an item to make this list, it has to be that magical brand of awfulness that actually makes you feel sad and empty upon seeing that people are being asked to pay money in order to own it. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s begin our trip to the Island of Misfit UFC Merchandise…
(This is a Tank Abbott professional wrestling action figure produced and sold by the WWE. Spoiler alert: It is easily a much better Christmas present for the MMA fans in your life than ANYTHING on this list.)
From ugly t-shirts to video games with comically deformed characters, MMA fans don’t exactly have a ton of half-decent options for Christmas presents. So it should probably go without saying that if you see that one of your presents is from UFCStore.com tomorrow morning, you should just throw the damn thing in the trash without opening it. Trust me, whatever is inside of that box is a Christmas tragedy the likes of which would make Agatha Christie blush.
The UFC’s official shop is not only littered with exactly the ugly, trashy, tasteless merchandise that you’d expect to see the Eddie Justbleeds of the world own, but also some incredibly confusing, useless products that suggest that maybe the UFC isn’t fully comfortable catering to said Justbleeds. I mean, for a company whose fan base is constantly measuring its collective dick, you’d think they’d be selling things like a UFC Belt Sander instead of a hyper-masculine UFC Shoe Bag.
So it’s in that spirit that I’ll be ranking the fifteen most depressing UFC items that you can currently buy — or, likely, receive as a Christmas present tomorrow — from UFCStore.com. Two rules: Number one, only UFC and UFC Gym brand items are eligible for inclusion, because as much as I’d love to include this eyesore, I’m not nearly enough of a masochist to rank every last item that awful place has up for grabs. And number two: It isn’t enough for an item to simply be extremely ugly, pointless, overpriced, dated or just plain stupid. No, for an item to make this list, it has to be that magical brand of awfulness that actually makes you feel sad and empty upon seeing that people are being asked to pay money in order to own it. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s begin our trip to the Island of Misfit UFC Merchandise…
Price: $24.95 From the UFCStore.com Product Description: “With this tank, everyone will know you’re a ferocious contender.”
Everyone may know that you’re a ferocious contender [Author Note: Please excuse me, I need to go vomit now…], but they’ll certainly wonder if you can actually read English. “UFC Fight Girl?” That’s how I’d expect an offensively stereotypical foreign tourist to describe Ronda Rousey. That this shirt was likely designed by a native English speaker to be worn by native English speakers both confuses and depresses me.
Price: $39.95 From the UFCStore.com Product Description: “Great for hats or lapels, this accessory will let everyone see your loyalty to the UFC!”
You’re honestly telling me that there are people who both fret over their inabilities to show the world that they’re UFC fans in their business professional attire and also want to spend $39.95 on a novelty lapel pin? I refuse to believe it. In fact, I bet if you tried to buy one of these, you’d be redirected to a page that explains how this item was just an anthropologist’s experiment to see if MMA fans really are stupid enough to buy anything with the letters “UFC” on it. There’s no damn way that the UFC has a box of lapel pins cluttering up a warehouse somewhere.
Price: $44.95 From the UFCStore.com Product Description: “While you may not be stepping into the octagon, with this tee, you’ll be ready to show the world how much dedication you have for the sport.”
If you wore this shirt in the same room as Joe Son, Thiago Silva, Bryan Caraway and Rob Emerson, my first thought would be “That guy in the star-spangled UFC shirt is a total douche.”
Price:$79.95 ON SALE NOW FOR ONLY $55.99 From the UFCStore.com Product Description: “These cute swimsuit bottoms will definitely show off your UFC style at the beach.”
“Great news, babe. I saved up some cash to buy you these BIKINI BOTTOMS! Not only are they inexcusably repulsive, but if you look really, really, closely at them, you’ll notice that they have OCTAGONS on them! THIS WAY EVERYONE WILL KNOW THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND WATCHES THE UFC!!!!”
Price: $799.95. That’s not a typo. Seven hundred ninenty-nine dollars and ninety-five cents. From the UFCStore.com Product Description: “Your UFC pride won’t be clearer when you wear this bracelet!”
This is the most expensive item currently available from UFCStore.com, and it looks like it’s held together by a goddamn hair scrunchie. If this isn’t symbolic of how much the UFC “respects” its fans, then I really do not know what is.
On the next page: Things get worse. Much, much worse.
With yet another year coming to an end, CagePotato.com is reviving anoldholidaytradition: MMA predictions for the upcoming year that are so wild and outrageous that some of them might actually come to fruition. If you’re looking to read statements along the lines of “JOSE ALDO REMAINS DOMINANT AT FEATHERWEIGHT YOU GUYZZZ,” kindly move along; there are plenty of other two-bit MMA writers “brave” enough to state such obvious things for you. Still here? Then let’s grab some eggnog and see what 2015 has in store for us.
1. CM Punk‘s First UFC Opponent Won’t Even Have a Sherdog Profile When the Fight Is First Announced.
Look, the last thing that I want to do is get all high and mighty about the UFC’s decision to sign CM Punk; the UFC is a sports entertainment company, so why wouldn’t they sign the hottest free agent in sports entertainment? But at the same time, Punk’s qualifications to fight in the major leagues are non-existent. We’re dealing with a guy who, up to this point, has dabbled in jiu-jitsu and sparred a few times. Forget a UFC-caliber fighter — most people can’t even beat an experienced amateur fighter after less than a year of serious training. So let’s not even joke about whether or not CM Punk’s first UFC opponent will have his own Wikipedia page, because he obviously won’t. If the UFC expects any sane athletic commission to sanction a bout featuring Punk, they’re going to have to find somebody so obscure that not even the folks at Sherdog will know who he is.
2. A Member of the Official UFC Rankings Committee Is Accused of Partaking in a “Pay for Rankings” Scandal.
(Heading into 2015, these are the two most famous people associated with MMA. I’ve got nothing snarky to add to that.)
With yet another year coming to an end, CagePotato.com is reviving anoldholidaytradition: MMA predictions for the upcoming year that are so wild and outrageous that some of them might actually come to fruition. If you’re looking to read statements along the lines of “JOSE ALDO REMAINS DOMINANT AT FEATHERWEIGHT YOU GUYZZZ,” kindly move along; there are plenty of other two-bit MMA writers “brave” enough to state such obvious things for you. Still here? Then let’s grab some eggnog and see what 2015 has in store for us.
1. CM Punk‘s First UFC Opponent Won’t Even Have a Sherdog Profile When the Fight Is First Announced.
Look, the last thing that I want to do is get all high and mighty about the UFC’s decision to sign CM Punk; the UFC is a sports entertainment company, so why wouldn’t they sign the hottest free agent in sports entertainment? But at the same time, Punk’s qualifications to fight in the major leagues are non-existent. We’re dealing with a guy who, up to this point, has dabbled in jiu-jitsu and sparred a few times. Forget a UFC-caliber fighter — most people can’t even beat an experienced amateur fighter after less than a year of serious training. So let’s not even joke about whether or not CM Punk’s first UFC opponent will have his own Wikipedia page, because he obviously won’t. If the UFC expects any sane athletic commission to sanction a bout featuring Punk, they’re going to have to find somebody so obscure that not even the folks at Sherdog will know who he is.
2. A Member of the Official UFC Rankings Committee Is Accused of Partaking in a “Pay for Rankings” Scandal.
This is all to say that the moment the UFC announced how the official rankings will directly affect fighter pay, there likely was a manager who sent every member of the rankings panel an envelope full of cash and a convenient list of every fighter he manages. If that hasn’t already happened, it almost assuredly will once the new system actually kicks in next year.
3. A UFC Champion Sells The Right to Select His/Her Walkout Music.
Or perhaps more accurately, Rampage Jackson will go full “Mitch ‘Blood’ Green against Bruce Johnson.” Rampage has apparently re-signed with the UFC — despite the fact that he did nothing but whine about how awful the UFC was when he was last with the promotion — although Bellator seems prepared to battle the UFC in court for the right to keep booking him. There is no winner here. If Bellator actually thinks they’re getting one more legitimate fight out of ‘Page, they’re hopelessly delusional. And if the UFC actually thinks that a guy with Jackson’s persecution complex isn’t going to cause trouble this time around, well, I’m not sue that the English language has a word for that. I can see Rampage — frustrated by his position with the only two MMA companies who can afford to bring him in — allowing his next fight devolve into a certified catastrophe.
TITO IS BACK, BABY! Okay, so that’s a gigantic stretch. But seeing how easily the aforementioned Rampage Jackson effortlessly dispose of former Bellator champion Christian M’Pumbu, I wouldn’t be surprised at all to watch Tito Ortiz take home the second-most valuable Light-Heavyweight Championship in MMA.
You remember Matt Riddle, right? TUF castmember, UFC welterweight, likeable stoner? The one with the longish hair and the mushroom tattoo? Yeah, he’s training to be a professional wrestler now. I see no reason why an indie wrestling organization won’t put a title around his waist in 2015.
And now, let’s bring everything full-circle and end with another Phil Brooks prediction:
10.) CM Punk Walks Out on the UFC.
The guy who walked out on the WWE over mistreatment from both the WWE and the professional wrestling fans who’ve never wrestled a day in their lives, yet think they know everything about being a wrestler. He then signs with the UFC, seemingly convinced that the UFC isn’t exploitative at all whatsoever and that MMA fans are the most respectful people alive. Well, Mr. Brooks, to borrow a quote from one of your former colleagues, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news…
Mention the name “Alberto Rodriguez” to the average MMA fan, and you’ll likely be met with a blank stare. Mention “Alberto Del Rio,” and there’s a distinct possibility that said fan will rant and rave about CM Punk, fake wrestling and the sanctity of guys with bad tattoos punching each other inside of a cage being destroyed. Mention “Dos Caras Jr,” and you’ll almost assuredly engage said fan in a discussion about the freak show awesomeness and/or awfulness of PRIDE.
That those three names all belong to the same person is almost irrelevant when compared to the reactions that those names bring out. That Bellator is rumored to be interested in signing the man shouldn’t surprise you slightly. Via The Wrestling Observer (by way of UPROXX):
“We can confirm that Bellator is looking to sign professional wrestlers to fighter contracts. Alberto Del Rio is one of their targets of interest.
As previously reported, WWE tried to include MMA in their no-compete clause when he was let go from the company. Del Rio reportedly agreed to certain parts of the no-compete clause; it isn’t known whether MMA was part of that. FOX Sports writer Damon Martin posted the following to Twitter, claiming that Del Rio is “itching for a fight”
“Sources within Spike TV and those close to Bellator MMA claim that the promotion has a plan to bring in professional wrestlers as MMA fighters. The company has what is described as a “gameplan” to bring in current and former wrestlers to bolster their roster. Bobby Lashley is currently part of the promotion.”
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “DOS CARAS JR. IS COMING TO BELLATOR! DOS CARAS JR. IS COMING TO BELLATOR! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!” But let’s over-analyze this rumor, shall we?
Mention the name “Alberto Rodriguez” to the average MMA fan, and you’ll likely be met with a blank stare. Mention “Alberto Del Rio,” and there’s a distinct possibility that said fan will rant and rave about CM Punk, fake wrestling and the sanctity of guys with bad tattoos punching each other inside of a cage being destroyed. Mention “Dos Caras Jr,” and you’ll almost assuredly engage said fan in a discussion about the freak show awesomeness and/or awfulness of PRIDE.
That those three names all belong to the same person is almost irrelevant when compared to the reactions that those names bring out. That Bellator is rumored to be interested in signing the man shouldn’t surprise you slightly. Via The Wrestling Observer (by way of UPROXX):
“We can confirm that Bellator is looking to sign professional wrestlers to fighter contracts. Alberto Del Rio is one of their targets of interest.
As previously reported, WWE tried to include MMA in their no-compete clause when he was let go from the company. Del Rio reportedly agreed to certain parts of the no-compete clause; it isn’t known whether MMA was part of that. FOX Sports writer Damon Martin posted the following to Twitter, claiming that Del Rio is “itching for a fight”
“Sources within Spike TV and those close to Bellator MMA claim that the promotion has a plan to bring in professional wrestlers as MMA fighters. The company has what is described as a “gameplan” to bring in current and former wrestlers to bolster their roster. Bobby Lashley is currently part of the promotion.”
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “DOS CARAS JR. IS COMING TO BELLATOR! DOS CARAS JR. IS COMING TO BELLATOR! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!” But let’s over-analyze this rumor, shall we?
Why It’s Potentially True: Unlike the UFC, Bellator isn’t flip-flopping on whether it wants to be the most credible major sports organization or the most credible celebrity boxing organization on a weekly basis. Bellator is brutally honest about what it’s trying to be: It’s trying to be the freak show promotion (with the occasional legitimate prospect) that modern MMA both needs and deserves. The UFC just signed a former WWE World Heavyweight Champion, so why wouldn’t Bellator want to sign a former WWE World Heavyweight Champion of their own?
Why It’s Potentially False: Rodriguez is arguably the hottest free agent in professional wrestling right now. Bellator’s quirky partnership with TNA Impact! Wrestling is dissolving, and something tells me that the suits at Viacom aren’t going to be okay with allowing him to wrestle on the independent circuit while under contract with Bellator. Unless Bellator signs Rodriguez to a big money contract – and not just “big by MMA’s standards” – it won’t financially make sense for him to sign on with Bellator.
The Case Against Alberto Rodriguez: He’s thirty-seven years old, and hasn’t had a professional MMA fight in nearly five years. Also, the whole “will probably want to keep wrestling professionally while under contract” thing.
So When Brock Lesnar Fights Bobby Lashley And Breaks All of the PPV Records…: Lesnar will be dominating Lashley, until one of the announcers shouts “WHAT ON EARTH IS ALBERTO RODRIGUEZ DOING IN THE BELLATOR ZONE?!” as Rodriguez makes his way to the cage, holding a steel chair. Rodriguez will tease hitting Lesnar with it, then turn and smack Lashley’s downed body. Will it be the beginning of an unstoppable heavyweight duo set on destroying Bellator once and for all? We’ll find out tomorrow night on Nitro Bellator!
Watching Dana White’s recent appearance on “Fox Sports Live” paints a very clear picture: Dana White does not want you to compare him to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.
“I can tell you this, I wouldn’t want to be Roger Goodell,” White says, after being asked about his reaction to the video of Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice knocking out then-fiancee Janay Palmer. No surprises there, given that the NFL is in the middle of a domestic violence crisis built on the foundation of years of denial and reframing the issue. What is surprising is that he follows up his statement by resorting to the same strategies that the NFL employed to downplay Ray Rice’s assault in order to justify the UFC’s decision to resign Thiago Silva.
You don’t even have to wait for the parallels between how the UFC is choosing to handle Thiago Silva and how the NFL has attempted to cover up domestic violence to become apparent, they’re observable in the very first sentence White speaks once Silva’s name comes up:
“If you believe in the legal process, they came, they arrested him, and he wasn’t brought up on any charges.”
Watching Dana White’s recent appearance on “Fox Sports Live” paints a very clear picture: Dana White does not want you to compare him to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.
“I can tell you this, I wouldn’t want to be Roger Goodell,” White says, after being asked about his reaction to the video of Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice knocking out then-fiancee Janay Palmer. No surprises there, given that the NFL is in the middle of a domestic violence crisis built on the foundation of years of denial and reframing the issue. What is surprising is that he follows up his statement by resorting to the same strategies that the NFL employed to downplay Ray Rice’s assault in order to justify the UFC’s decision to resign Thiago Silva.
You don’t even have to wait for the parallels between how the UFC is choosing to handle Thiago Silva and how the NFL has attempted to cover up domestic violence to become apparent, they’re observable in the very first sentence White speaks once Silva’s name comes up:
“If you believe in the legal process, they came, they arrested him, and he wasn’t brought up on any charges.”
Let’s take a look at the actual documents detailing why the prosecutors decided to drop the charges against Thiago Silva. As Deadspin puts it, “The memo outlines how in this case, as in so many domestic violence cases, the key witness went from working with investigators to uncooperative to eventually abandoning the legal process, instead getting physically as far away from her alleged attacker as she could.” This wasn’t an issue of the police believing that Thiago Silva was innocent – if that were so, this case would have never made it past the pre-arrest investigation. This was the police acknowledging that without cooperation from the alleged victim, there isn’t enough evidence to press charges at this time; as Sydnie pointed out, the announcement of a nolle prosequi makes it possible for the police to re-indict him if Thaysa Silva decides to cooperate with them.
White’s justification gets much uglier from there:
“Plus, I know a lot more of the story and what went on. You take his side of the story, her side of the story and the truth lies somewhere in the middle. But he went through the process and he wasn’t charged with anything. The guy should have the ability to make a living.”
This statement on Thaysa Silva’s accusations is the exact same strategy that the Baltimore Ravens used in an attempt to undermine Janay Rice: Toe the line of “Don’t trust what you’ve seen,” but don’t explicitly say that the alleged victim is lying. The police reports make Thiago Silva look like some kind of monster, but Dana White knows a lot more about what really happened. And Thaysa isn’t lying, but the whole truth lies somewhere between her version of the events and Thiago’s proclamation of innocence. By that logic, Thiago only kind-of held a gun in Thaysa’s mouth, and what kind of hot-head bans someone from the UFC over that?
The “make a living” remark at the end is equal parts misdirection and gaslighting. Nobody is trying to say that Thiago Silva shouldn’t be able to make a living, but a lot of fans are questioning whether it’s really appropriate for an alleged domestic abuser whose charges were dropped on a technicality to be punching people for money. White wants the offended parties to ask themselves how they can let a human being starve, while those opposed to his decision are wondering when “UFC fighter” became the only occupation on the planet.
And how did White’s justification end? With perhaps the most Goodellian stance possible:
“And obviously if some tape surfaced [Silva would be fired] but the police have already investigated this entire thing, and they let the guy go.”
Then again, perhaps he isn’t ignorant towards this – notice how he never directly says that he believes that Thiago Silva is an innocent man, like he did for Sean Sherk when Sherk failed a drug test following UFC 73? He’s not so much telling you that Silva has never been abusive towards Thaysa as he’s telling you that the charges were dropped, so move past it.
Perhaps the most disturbing correlations between the UFC and the NFL come while observing how the UFC plans on strengthening their domestic violence policy going forward. The organization takes a page directly out of the NFL’s playbook: Deny that there’s any problems with the current policy. [Author Note: The NFL’s “new” policy of suspending players for six games is nothing more than a slight re-wording of the old policy. “Mitigating factors” can still shorten the suspension as the NFL sees fit.] White kicked off the process:
“We have a track record of getting rid of many people that have done bad things, and we’ve been human beings in letting other guys make up for things and come back. There’s one thing you never bounce back from, and that’s putting your hands on a woman. It’s been that way in the UFC since we started here. You don’t bounce back from putting your hands on a woman.”
“We are no different than any other sport,” she says. “Some individuals will do things that don’t reflect well on our organization.” She pointed to recent domestic violence cases involving NFL players as evidence the issue is not specific to the UFC or MMA.
For the sake of this argument, let’s assume that the NFL in fact has a worse problem than the UFC does with athletes committing domestic violence. What does that have anything to do with the UFC’s stance on domestic violence? How does downplaying the issue as a whole – it happens in football, too, you guys! – change the fact that it’s still happening in your organization? How does “at least we’re not the NFL” change the fact that the UFC claims to ban all offenders, yet only does so when they’re disposable commodities? Why is “don’t change until we’re as bad as the worst organization” a good strategy moving forward?
The answers, of course, are: Nothing, It doesn’t, It definitely doesn’t, and It isn’t.
You wonder why people say our sport has a sexist, toxic culture? It’s because the UFC’s current policy on domestic violence depends on how many fans know who the abuser is, and White’s biggest concern about male fighters beating women revolves around the usage of “Ex-UFC Fighter” in the headlines. You can’t even have a discussion about fixing the problem, because that requires acknowledging that a problem even exists. The UFC has been hard on domestic violence since Zuffa took over, pay no attention to the man assaulting his wife behind the curtain.
A culture of denial in regard to athletes and domestic violence is exactly what created the scandal that the NFL is currently facing, and it’s hardly unreasonable to worry that the UFC’s similar approach will lead to an equally tragic result. The decision to resign Thiago Silva is troubling for a number of reasons, chief among them being that the UFC – like the NFL before them – is choosing to ignore the problem and pretend that they’re tougher on domestic violence than they are. Given how compliant the MMA media is with pushing the UFC narrative at all costs, the organization may very well be able to do this for as long as it wants to.
“If Roger Goodell saw that video, knew that’s what happened, knew Ray Rice did that to his fiancee, he should just get up and leave on his own,” White says at the end of his segment on “Fox Sports Live.” He seems offended that the NFL chose to deny that a problem existed, then chose to cover it up once they were forced to confront it. If only he felt that way about the UFC.
“If you’re gonna take a baseball bat to a Horseman, finish the job! Because there’s one rule of gang fighting. See, we are the original gang and we’re the most vicious in all of professional wrestling history. They send one of yours to the hospital, you send two of theirs to the morgue.”
That the legendary Four Horsemen never feuded with nobodies like Hardbody Harrison — and sure as hell never jobbed to sub-.500 fighters — is completely besides the point. “The Four Horsewomen” have become such a tired joke that even mocking people who criticize how loosely they resemble The Four Horsemen on your social media accounts is completely worn out. Since we’re all in agreement that they need a new name, let’s look to some professional wrestling stables who The Four Horsewomen have resembled far more closely. Here are six that fit the description…
A backwoods cult that’s gotten tremendously over with professional wrestling fans, despite accomplishing very little of note. Why it works: Both factions are led by a compelling, charismatic eccentric. Why it doesn’t: No offense to Bray Wyatt, but Ronda Rousey has accomplished far, far too much for this comparison to work.
“If you’re gonna take a baseball bat to a Horseman, finish the job! Because there’s one rule of gang fighting. See, we are the original gang and we’re the most vicious in all of professional wrestling history. They send one of yours to the hospital, you send two of theirs to the morgue.”
That the legendary Four Horsemen never feuded with nobodies like Hardbody Harrison — and sure as hell never jobbed to sub-.500 fighters — is completely besides the point. “The Four Horsewomen” have become such a tired joke that even mocking people who criticize how loosely they resemble The Four Horsemen on your social media accounts is completely worn out. Since we’re all in agreement that they need a new name, let’s look to some professional wrestling stables who The Four Horsewomen have resembled far more closely. Here are six that fit the description…
A backwoods cult that’s gotten tremendously over with professional wrestling fans, despite accomplishing very little of note. Why it works: Both factions are led by a compelling, charismatic eccentric. Why it doesn’t: No offense to Bray Wyatt, but Ronda Rousey has accomplished far, far too much for this comparison to work.
In ECW, Raven’s Nest were a crucial part of major storylines. In WCW, Raven’s Flock could not have possibly been used more differently.
Why it works: “I don’t think there’s ever been a more over group that lost every single outing,” Raven recently said of his WCW Flock. You can say the same thing about how over The Four Horsewomen are with MMA fans — even if they think the Horseman comparison is a total farce. Why it doesn’t: For the same reason it doesn’t work for The Wyatt Family. Ronda Rousey as Raven may sort-of work when comparing their personalities, but in terms of their accomplishments, it ain’t even close.
Much like MMA fans with “The Four Horsewomen,” professional wrestling fans are trying to pretend that one Warrior nation was never a thing that existed. Sorry for re-opening this wound, guys. Why it works: Imagine Raven’s Flock, if it were led by an accomplished, ultra-charismatic, clearly insane grappler that fans either loved or hated. Why it doesn’t: …except for the whole Halloween Havoc 1998 thing, when Hulk Hogan defeated The Warrior in one of the worst worked matches ever, but that’s another story for another day. As is that time Hulk Hogan saw The Warrior in his mirror…
A cheap, inferior knockoff of one of the greatest stables in professional wrestling history – why does that sound familiar? Why it works: The L.W.O. was Eddie Guerrero and not much else. Why it doesn’t:
See, because they were the entourage of a wrestler named “Awesome Kong.” I don’t care that you didn’t need the explanation. Why it works: A dominant female champion, plus three random ladies who hung out with her. Sounds about right. Why it doesn’t: Because what, are they supposed to call themselves the Rondarage? Egads, that’s unforgivable.
Consider this your daily reminder that The Attitude Era wasn’t nearly as awesome as you remember it being. Why it works: Pretty Mean Sisters is regarded as one of the dumbest, most unnecessary stables in the history of professional wrestling. Plus it has the whole “all members were women” thing going for it. Why it doesn’t: Because there really aren’t enough Al Bundy GIFs on the Internet to properly capture how ridiculous it would be for Ronda Rousey to describe her friends as “The Pretty Mean Sisters of MMA.”
So, what should it be? The Rousey World Order? Rousey’s Flock? Rousey and The J.O.B. Squad? Let us know in the comments section, or tweet your suggestions to @cagepotatomma.
Spike TV’s newest reality series, ‘Gym Rescue‘, is set to debut this Sunday, August 10th, at 10 p.m. ET. Last week, Craig Marks — the glasses-tossing gym owner featured in the episode 1 sneak-preview — reached out to CagePotato.com to discuss how the new series inaccurately portrayed what went down when Randy Couture and Frank Shamrock “rescued” his gym. Marks claims that the show wound up destroying his business, but ‘Gym Rescue’ host Frank Shamrock maintains that he offered Craig valuable assistance, and that Craig’s lack of business expertise is what really sunk his operation. Join us as we present both Craig and Frank’s versions of the experience.
“The entire ordeal was supposed to be fun and beneficial. It was to the production company. To us, it was a disaster and we have had to start our business over from scratch.”
This isn’t what Craig Marks — former owner of T3 Health & Fitness in Cooper City, Florida — thought he’d be writing about his experience when he allowed his struggling gym to be “rescued” as part of Spike TV’s newest reality series. He also didn’t anticipate thousands of dollars worth of fines, a nasty mold infestation that forced him to relocate to nearby Davie, and the loss of several longstanding clients in the process. When Marks reached out to me last week, his ensuing diatribe placed the blame for these and other struggles that his business has endured solely on Gym Rescue.
Needless to say, Gym Rescue host Frank Shamrock does not agree that the show has ruined T3 Health & Fitness. Rather, Shamrock painted Marks as a good-hearted person who is unfortunately trying to blame the reality series for his own shortcomings as a businessman. “Craig was a unique individual who reminds me a lot of what you see in the martial arts,” Shamrock said. “A guy who has a passion for helping other people, but doesn’t really have good business sense.”
What’s indisputable throughout all of this is that Craig Marks has recently filed for bankruptcy. While he’s looking to rebuild Xcelerate Training — the new name for his gym — he’s facing an uphill battle.
Spike TV’s newest reality series, ‘Gym Rescue‘, is set to debut this Sunday, August 10th, at 10 p.m. ET. Last week, Craig Marks — the glasses-tossing gym owner featured in the episode 1 sneak-preview — reached out to CagePotato.com to discuss how the new series inaccurately portrayed what went down when Randy Couture and Frank Shamrock “rescued” his gym. Marks claims that the show wound up destroying his business, but ‘Gym Rescue’ host Frank Shamrock maintains that he offered Craig valuable assistance, and that Craig’s lack of business expertise is what really sunk his operation. Join us as we present both Craig and Frank’s versions of the experience.
“The entire ordeal was supposed to be fun and beneficial. It was to the production company. To us, it was a disaster and we have had to start our business over from scratch.”
This isn’t what Craig Marks — former owner of T3 Health & Fitness in Cooper City, Florida — thought he’d be writing about his experience when he allowed his struggling gym to be “rescued” as part of Spike TV’s newest reality series. He also didn’t anticipate thousands of dollars worth of fines, a nasty mold infestation that forced him to relocate to nearby Davie, and the loss of several longstanding clients in the process. When Marks reached out to me last week, his ensuing diatribe placed the blame for these and other struggles that his business has endured solely on Gym Rescue.
Needless to say, Gym Rescue host Frank Shamrock does not agree that the show has ruined T3 Health & Fitness. Rather, Shamrock painted Marks as a good-hearted person who is unfortunately trying to blame the reality series for his own shortcomings as a businessman. “Craig was a unique individual who reminds me a lot of what you see in the martial arts,” Shamrock said. “A guy who has a passion for helping other people, but doesn’t really have good business sense.”
What’s indisputable throughout all of this is that Craig Marks has recently filed for bankruptcy. While he’s looking to rebuild Xcelerate Training — the new name for his gym — he’s facing an uphill battle.
So how exactly was T3 Health & Fitness chosen to be featured on Gym Rescue in the first place? That would turn out to be a very good question. Craig Marks never gave me an answer. Frank Shamrock didn’t know, and I was told through Spike TV representative David Schwarz that Spike declined to comment on my story.
Marks never denied that his gym was in rough shape, though perhaps “rough shape” is putting things too lightly. While speaking about T3 Health & Fitness before Gym Rescue, Shamrock referred to the establishment as a “homemade deathtrap.” The facility suffered from shoddy design and dangerous equipment to the point where Shamrock recalled that an object actually fell from the ceiling and hit co-host Randy Couture as they first arrived; Couture was also unavailable for comment.
The Rescue
It’s at this point where Craig Marks swears that the series became more about making him look like a pushover and less about actually helping his struggling gym. Marks claims that nearly everything you’ll see when the episode premieres was scripted. “We were told how to dress, what to wear, what to say,” he remarked. “I was even told not to shave my hair, as I usually do every two days, because it would make me look ‘more vulnerable’ on camera.”
Interestingly enough, Marks insisted that the moment that the CagePotato.com staff thought was most likely to have been staged was actually the only non-scripted segment that made the episode — the moment where Marks shoves Frank Shamrock out of frustration. Marks claimed that the tension between himself and Shamrock was very real. “He was a narcissistic asshole from the get-go and [he] kept flirting with my wife,” said Marks, “even texting her after one night of shooting to come join him in the jacuzzi at his hotel.”
While Shamrock vehemently denied that he was ever flirting with Craig’s wife, he was not surprised that Marks had made unflattering comments about him. “My role was to go in there and call him on his craziness,” he told me, “and he didn’t take that very well.”
Shamrock also denied that the exposed piece of metal at the foot of the stairway shown during the episode preview was staged in any way by the producers. That something so potentially dangerous could be “either completely forgotten or overlooked” provoked Shamrock’s reaction.
The renovations made were supposed to save the facility. According to Marks, they did anything but. “All renovations made to the fitness studio were done without one single permit being pulled from the City of Cooper City,” he wrote. “Fines issued were in the thousands and left to the responsibility of the unknowing owners.”
“The owners had supplies and equipment stolen and thrown away. According to the chief building inspector, the renovation work was ‘unlike anything I’ve witnessed in 30 years on the job, horrible.’ The relocated stairway was not up to code and extremely dangerous. They converted the upstairs loft into an office and yoga area even though that space was zoned for storage only. The drywall removed and then put back was coated with mold.”
When all was said and done, Marks speculated that the fines he had to pay the City of Cooper City have financially set him back over one year. He cited ongoing issues with permitting and mold as the reason the gym was forced from its old location to a spot in nearby Davie, Florida in March.
The Chief Building Official Responds
Shortly after Marks wrote to me describing the renovations that Gym Rescue had made, I asked Mr. Ted Fowler if he would like to comment. Mr. Fowler is listed as the Chief Building Official of Cooper City on the city’s official website, and had been directly quoted by Marks when he wrote about the allegedly reckless repairs that the Gym Rescue crew had made to his facility. However, Mr. Fowler did not have any recollection in having made the comments attributed to him by Marks. He also wrote the following:
“A building permit was applied for and issued after the fact, all required inspections were obtained and the permit was closed.”
As of Today
As mentioned earlier, Craig Marks now runs his gym — Xcelerate Training — out of Davie, Florida. Marks claims that most of his clients have remained loyal to the gym throughout the ordeal, but several clients have stopped attending due to the rude treatment they received from the show’s producers. Marks also expressed disappointment over the fact that no one from Gym Rescue has checked in on the gym since filming ended.
When I mentioned this to Frank Shamrock, he replied that he doesn’t keep in contact with the gym owners featured on the show in order to maintain a level of professionalism and distance between himself and his clients. “At the end of the day,” he said, “we’re just helping other people help their communities.”
What the Future Holds for Gym Rescue
Frank Shamrock is optimistic that Spike TV will bring Gym Rescue back for another season. “Gyms are the second place besides the bar where people go to socialize,” he said. “Unfortunately, a lot of gym owners are wonderful people with great intentions, but clueless with how to run a business. That’s why the average gym owner is struggling.”
In the meantime, Shamrock did offer some valuable advice to prospective gym owners — the most important stages of opening a gym are preparation and planning. “Study your market. Does your community really want this? Do your potential clients really want this?” Since everyone has their own expectations of what a workout should be and what a gym should include, it is important to make sure that you’re offering something for any trainee who may attend your gym.
Also, despite the negative comments that Marks made about the show, Shamrock still considers working with struggling gym owners to be rewarding.
“Seeing a gym go from near failure to ‘they have a shot if they keep going’ — that’s why I’m doing this. Just for that payoff. If we make the gym a better place for the two hundred, three hundred members there, their lives are going to be better, they’re going to feel better and the community is going to be better.”
“Before that, I’m beating the heck out of people.”