(“OK Chris, for this scene, we’re going to need you to act as if you’re reading your lines directly from a cue card. Just look as uninterested as humanly possible and stare as far off-screen as you can. And Marivi, if you could just stare directly at the guy holding the boom mic-PERFECT.”)
It really is difficult to believe anything you see or read on April Fool’s day. Just this morning, a friend of mine who happens to be a traveling musician posted that his band had booked a gig as John Mayer’s opening act for his upcoming Australian tour. After congratulating him on his tremendous accomplishment, I quickly learned that the whole thing was a ploy perpetuated for Facebook likes. Needless to say, he is now dead to me.
Needless to say, I was equally skeptical when videos of Chris Weidman and Forrest Griffin pimping a jewelry store and a DUI defense lawyer, respectively, appeared in my inbox this afternoon. But upon further research (dialing both phone numbers and laughing hysterically until the receptionists hung up), I have determined that what you are about to see are in fact legitimate ads featuring the current middleweight and former light heavyweight champion, which is easily more hilarious than any April Fool’s day joke you will be privy to today or possibly ever.
After the jump you will find videos of both ads, as well as our in-depth analysis of both fighters performances, complete with screengrabs.
(“OK Chris, for this scene, we’re going to need you to act as if you’re reading your lines directly from a cue card. Just look as uninterested as humanly possible and stare as far off-screen as you can. And Marivi, if you could just stare directly at the guy holding the boom mic-PERFECT.”)
It really is difficult to believe anything you see or read on April Fool’s day. Just this morning, a friend of mine who happens to be a traveling musician posted that his band had booked a gig as John Mayer’s opening act for his upcoming Australian tour. After congratulating him on his tremendous accomplishment, I quickly learned that the whole thing was a ploy perpetuated for Facebook likes. Needless to say, he is now dead to me.
Needless to say, I was equally skeptical when videos of Chris Weidman and Forrest Griffin pimping a jewelry store and a DUI defense lawyer, respectively, appeared in my inbox this afternoon. But upon further research (dialing both phone numbers and laughing hysterically until the receptionists hung up), I have determined that what you are about to see are in fact legitimate ads featuring the current middleweight and former light heavyweight champion, which is easily more hilarious than any April Fool’s day joke you will be privy to today or possibly ever.
After the jump you will find videos of both ads, as well as our in-depth analysis of both fighters performances, complete with screengrabs.
“The Jewelry Gallery of Oyster Bay” – Chris Weidman
Also featuring UFC lightweight, TUF 15 alum and fellow Long Islander Al Iaquinta, we must give the creative minds behind a jewelry store in Nassau County, NY credit for having the balls to commit to this atrocious ad, and more specifically, the play on words between an MMA “ring” (not what it’s called) and a wedding “ring.” Seriously, I would be applauding them if I hadn’t just severed both my hands in the feat that they may one day write something so hamfisted.
Did the people who created this ad even understand that UFC fighters compete in an octagon? Or that choosing an (albeit local) MMA fighter as the spokesperson for a jewelry store in a town where the average income is nearly $100,000 might not make a whole lot of sense? Where is the turnover between Affliction-wearing, Long Island dude-bro MMA fans and high-end jewelry clientele, exactly? So many questions.
One thing’s for sure: Like Randy Couture and Ronda Rousey before him, Chris Weidman is an MMA star destined for Hollywood. See for yourself:
GAHHHHACTING!!!!
And now, buckle up for this one…
“Top Gun DUI Defense Attorney Myles L. Berman” – Forrest Griffin
If the purpose of Griffin’s appearance in this ad was to serve as an intimidating presence for the serious issue that is weaseling your way out of a drunk-driving offense, then it failed miserably. Not only does Griffin come off as a far more likeable and trustworthy guy than Berman, but he also loses all of his badass credibility the moment he tips his trucker hat like a cowboy cordially greeting a woman of the town proper.
And besides, if this Berman fellow really wanted to scare us into seeking his services, he more than accomplished that with his dead-eyed stare and “I’m totally not a robot disguised in a human skin suit” mannerisms. I mean, just look at those things:
Two weeks ago, former UFC fighter Chris Leben let rip with a vicious tweet that sent shock waves throughout the MMA community:
The tweet has since been deleted—replaced with the story that Leben acted out because he’d lost his dog—bu…
Two weeks ago, former UFC fighter Chris Leben let rip with a vicious tweet that sent shock waves throughout the MMA community:
The tweet has since been deleted—replaced with the story that Leben acted out because he’d lost his dog—but interest in the original message’s meaning has only snowballed. Ex-UFC fighter and fellow Ultimate Fighter alumni Nate Quarry chimed in with his own criticism of the UFC’s practices. Some fans blame Chris Leben for engineering his situation by making his own mistakes—including drug addiction and failure to pay income tax—while others question the promoter’s responsibility to former fighters.
Talking to former UFC champion Frank Shamrock uncovers stark realities about the life of a retired MMA fighter.
“I don’t think some guys realize that at some point, physically, they’ll be done, and at some point, their drawing power will be done,” says Shamrock. “In fact, they will literally stop overnight. There’s no backup, no union, no protection, no pension—there’s nothing to help them move to the next career.”
In January, Leben—loser of four straight fights in the UFC—announced his retirement from the sport. He’d played a pivotal role in the resurgence of the UFC as a contestant on the first season of Spike TV’s The Ultimate Fighter (TUF). During his professional career in the organization, he racked up numerous “Fight of the Night” and “Knockout of the Night” awards, but when he quit the sport, the bonus checks and the limelight abruptly faded away. The size of Leben’s purses has been a matter of debate, but a fighter can have problems regardless of their career earnings. Fans need look no further than boxing superstar Manny Pacquaio to witness an example of a fighter earning multimillions in purses and falling victim to reckless spending and tax woes. Or the infamous Mike Tyson, who had $300 million in career earnings, but declared bankruptcy with $38.4 million in debt as of 2004.
Chris Leben’s salaries as a mid-tier fighter with the UFC likely represent the spare change floating in the recesses of Pacquiao or Tyson’s couch cushions. There was never any question that Leben would require a job to see him past his career as an MMA fighter, just as so many other prominent retired fighters have worked positions in broadcasting, coaching, running their own gyms or even selling luxury cars.
Says Shamrock, “At the end of the day, I’ve always made the bulk of my money teaching martial arts.”
When he retired, Leben told the public he was working as a coach at Victory MMA in San Diego, California. While Leben could have used his own earnings to get counseling or even reached out to UFC president Dana White via private channels, he chose to make his incendiary post on Twitter instead.
Leben’s actions are controversial in that the number one rule of being a member of this Fight Club is to never criticize the promotion in the public eye. UFC fighters know that discretionary bonuses, title shots, employment with Zuffa/FOX, continued employment with the UFC and other perks come down to earning the favoritism of the Zuffa brass. According to Leben’s Twitter account, Dana White and the UFC reached out to help him after he made his attention-grabbing Twitter post, although Leben’s management has been unresponsive when it comes to interview requests.
Frank Shamrock believes it’s in the promotion’s best interests to provide support to former fighters, especially exciting stars like Leben who contributed to the UFC’s financial success, “You look at the value that Leben has brought to the company and the money he has brought to the bottom line. You want to protect guys like that in the future, or at least pretend like you’re protecting them so the next generation will line up and do the same thing for you.”
Times have changed since The Ultimate Fighter debuted in 2005. TUF has shown continually diminishing returns in the ratings column and rarely produces fighters of the same caliber that the earliest seasons did. Spike TV had a nasty breakup with the UFC in 2011 and now broadcasts competing promotion Bellator. Three out of four of TUF’s first season finalists—Kenny Florian, Stephan Bonnar and Forrest Griffin—are retired from the sport.
Yet Chris Leben has yet to fully break away from the past. To paraphrase from Donnie Darko, he was born with tragedy flowing through his veins. On the UFC 89 Countdown show, he revealed that alcoholism ran through his family and outside of stints in the Army and jail, he’d never been sober for longer than two weeks straight since he was 13 years old.
“A lot of people who go into fighting aren’t well-adjusted,” says Shamrock, who revealed his own struggles coming from a broken home, dealing with alcoholism and time spent incarcerated in his autobiography Uncaged.
With his controversial tweet, Chris Leben pointed the finger at Zuffa for his troubles. In actuality, the UFC just ended up being a mechanism whereby the majority of fighters abandon the normalcy of typical jobs—like driving a truck—for the glamor of the stage. That they incur brain damage, lingering injuries or other hazards is about on par with professional sports like the NFL minus the benefits professional sports organizations often bestow through their players associations.
On paper, the UFC’s obligation to Chris Leben is no different than a casino’s responsibility to its patrons. Betting your life on hitting it big and expecting the prize to solve all your problems is a losing proposition for the vast majority of both casino patrons and fighters. The only one who consistently comes out ahead is the house—in this case, Lorenzo and Frank Fertitta, the majority owners of the UFC. Fighters have to be smart in using MMA as a platform for their own advancement rather than blindly believing that there is a plan to take care of them in the future.
The question now–is the UFC morally or socially obligated to pay for Chris Leben’s counseling? Offer him further advice to deal with his tax situation? Spring for rehab when stars need it like the WWE does? Is Leben entitled to financial assistance beyond the purses and bonuses he earned?
No matter what the UFC does, the organization has its back up against the wall: there are many more UFC fighters who will be retiring over the coming years, and the organization simply cannot address all of their personal or professional issues. As Nate Quarry has stated, the UFC is just a business that puts its own interests first and foremost.
Fighters have to be aware of what the current arrangement is, period.
“If you’re out there risking your body—your physical health—you’ve got to be compensated,” says Shamrock. “It’s got to be worth it to you and everybody else. And if it’s not, then don’t do it.
At the start of his career, one can imagine Chris Leben thought about winning the title and fulfilling the dream of standing on the top of the mountain, applause and accolades raining down. Now that his situation has changed for the worse, where is the light at the end of the tunnel?
“There’s no light in this industry because nobody has sparked it and maintained it,” says Shamrock. “There is a light in getting healthy personally.”
When the curtain falls, the performer must confront painful personal truths. Bright lights—dark shadows.
Griffin recently appeared on The MMA Hour to discuss life after the UFC, and when asked if there ever a possibility we’d see him unretire (because us MMA journalists simply cannot leave well enough alone), Griffin gave a typically candid response:
I physically can’t (come back). I didn’t want to be done, in the beginning. When I announced my retirement, that was actually when I was trying to come back and I realized, it just wasn’t viable. It passed me by. My shoulder is done. I brush my teeth with my left hand now. That’s just the way it goes. I can’t shoot a basketball, I can’t throw any kind of ball. I was right handed.
The last three years, I was kinda fighting with one arm, on and off. My training camp was, I don’t want to call it Frank Mir style, but it was Frank Mir style. It’s like, I’m going to work on whatever hurts the least today. What are we doing today? Well, what’s not broken today? That’s what we’re going to do today.
(And to top it all off, his depth perception has somehow gotten *worse*. Photo via Getty.)
Griffin recently appeared on The MMA Hour to discuss life after the UFC, and when asked if there ever a possibility we’d see him unretire (because us MMA journalists simply cannot leave well enough alone), Griffin gave a typically candid response:
I physically can’t (come back). I didn’t want to be done, in the beginning. When I announced my retirement, that was actually when I was trying to come back and I realized, it just wasn’t viable. It passed me by. My shoulder is done. I brush my teeth with my left hand now. That’s just the way it goes. I can’t shoot a basketball, I can’t throw any kind of ball. I was right handed.
The last three years, I was kinda fighting with one arm, on and off. My training camp was, I don’t want to call it Frank Mir style, but it was Frank Mir style. It’s like, I’m going to work on whatever hurts the least today. What are we doing today? Well, what’s not broken today? That’s what we’re going to do today.
It’s funny how the lives of Griffin and his greatest rival have diverged since their final UFC fight at UFC 148. Here you have one guy who, not without apprehension, was willing to admit that his body had had enough and needed to pack it in. On the other side of the coin, you have a guy (4 years the elder of the first guy, BTW) who came to the same conclusion, only to recant on said decision via a bathroom selfie and suffer an injury that *should* have confirmed his decision in the first place.
But don’t worry, the latter is already “90% recovered” from said injury. Our response can be found here.
The inaugural season of The Ultimate Fighter, particularly the show’s finale, effectively resuscitated a nearly flat-lined UFC in April 2005.
Countless captivating bouts have been showcased on finales of the show, including the granddaddy of them …
The inaugural season of The Ultimate Fighter, particularly the show’s finale, effectively resuscitated a nearly flat-lined UFC in April 2005.
Countless captivating bouts have been showcased on finales of the show, including the granddaddy of them all, a bout that determined the winner of Season 1 between Forrest Griffin and Stephan Bonnar.
The show broke new ground 17 seasons later when the company’s brass decided to film a season with both male and female fighters competing in the bantamweight division.
With the finale of the 18th season of The Ultimate Fighter just four days away, here’s a look back at the best scraps in TUF finale history.
The UFC has announced plans for a campaign to increase awareness of HIV and AIDS, particularly among high-risk groups. Yahoo! Sports’ Kevin Iole spoke with UFC chief operating officer Lawrence Epstein about the campaign recently.
“The Center for Disease Control & Prevention said the awareness about HIV and AIDS among those under 35 is surprisingly poor. Given that the UFC’s strength is with the 18-to-34-year-old demographic, chief operating officer Ike Lawrence Epstein felt it was natural for the company to team with the Gay & Lesbian Community Center of Southern Nevada to promote the Protect Yourself at all Times, campaign,” Iole reported.
Yes, that’s really the name of the campaign. We’ll get back to that in a moment.
According to the story, half of all new HIV cases in the last two years have been reported in people under the age of 30. The 18-34 demographic is certainly the UFC’s sweet spot so it makes a lot of sense for them to help out with awareness-building efforts.
The promotion partnering with organizations in the LBGTQ is also a great move. We always hear about the post-fight screenings that UFC fighters must take for PEDs and drugs of abuse, but they all also have to be tested for HIV, which gives spokespeople for the new campaign, including Forrest Griffin, a personal angle to talk about the issue:
The UFC has announced plans for a campaign to increase awareness of HIV and AIDS, particularly among high-risk groups. Yahoo! Sports’ Kevin Iole spoke with UFC chief operating officer Lawrence Epstein about the campaign recently.
“The Center for Disease Control & Prevention said the awareness about HIV and AIDS among those under 35 is surprisingly poor. Given that the UFC’s strength is with the 18-to-34-year-old demographic, chief operating officer Ike Lawrence Epstein felt it was natural for the company to team with the Gay & Lesbian Community Center of Southern Nevada to promote the Protect Yourself at all Times, campaign,” Iole reported.
Yes, that’s really the name of the campaign. We’ll get back to that in a moment.
According to the story, half of all new HIV cases in the last two years have been reported in people under the age of 30. The 18-34 demographic is certainly the UFC’s sweet spot so it makes a lot of sense for them to help out with awareness-building efforts.
The promotion partnering with organizations in the LBGTQ is also a great move. We always hear about the post-fight screenings that UFC fighters must take for PEDs and drugs of abuse, but they all also have to be tested for HIV, which gives spokespeople for the new campaign, including Forrest Griffin, a personal angle to talk about the issue:
“I had 15 fights in the UFC Octagon during my career, and before each and every one of them, I had an HIV test,” Griffin said. ”I’m encouraging everybody to show themselves and their partners the same respect I showed my opponents by getting tested and protecting themselves at all times.”
Alright, back to that campaign name and slogan. It’s catchy, pertinent and logical.
Still, it’s kind of hilarious, right? As our editor Ben Goldstein put it, protect yourself at all times in the context of safe sex “makes me picture Herb Dean hovering next to my bed, waiting to jump in and hand me a condom.”
Come to think of it, that would be pretty useful. Wonder what that would cost…
In any case, props to the UFC for working on this issue. We hope it makes a difference.
Now it’s your turn, ‘Taters: Is the phrase “Protect Yourself at All Times” too unintentionally funny as an HIV awareness slogan? And what disturbing/excellent image does it bring to your minds in this context?
Although the fight records officially list Cain Velasquez‘s 5th round TKO of Junior Dos Santos at UFC 166 as coming by way of “Slam and Punch,” the credit should rightfully be given to Dos Santos for executing a picture perfect ninja-choke-into-faceplant KO. It was truly the most spectacular self-destruct sequence ever carried out in the octagon, and one that got us thinking: What are the Most Brutal Self-Inflicted KO’s in MMA History?
Matt Lindland will be discussed at some point in this article.
As Ben previously noted, it’s a good thing that the 2002 Mark Kerr documentary, The Smashing Machine, ended when it did, because we wouldn’t have been able to sit through the tale of woe that Kerr’s career became from 2004 onward.
Following a pair of losses to Igor Vovchanchyn and Heath Herring at PRIDE 12 and 15, respectfully, Kerr would take a three year break from the sport before returning against Yoshihisa Yamamoto (who held a modest 13-16 record at the time) at PRIDE 27. Forty seconds into the fight, Kerr would knock himself out during a takedown attempt. He would walk away from PRIDE shortly thereafter and lose 7 out of his next 9 contests, all by first round stoppage.
This post has gotten off to an unexpectedly depressing start, but such is Mark Kerr. Let’s lighten things up a bit…
Although the fight records officially list Cain Velasquez‘s 5th round TKO of Junior Dos Santos at UFC 166 as coming by way of “Slam and Punch,” the credit should rightfully be given to Dos Santos for executing a picture perfect ninja-choke-into-faceplant KO. It was truly the most spectacular self-destruct sequence ever carried out in the octagon, and one that got us thinking: What are the Most Brutal Self-Inflicted KO’s in MMA History?
Matt Lindland will be discussed at some point in this article.
As Ben previously noted, it’s a good thing that the 2002 Mark Kerr documentary, The Smashing Machine, ended when it did, because we wouldn’t have been able to sit through the tale of woe that Kerr’s career became from 2004 onward.
Following a pair of losses to Igor Vovchanchyn and Heath Herring at PRIDE 12 and 15, respectfully, Kerr would take a three year break from the sport before returning against Yoshihisa Yamamoto (who held a modest 13-16 record at the time) at PRIDE 27. Forty seconds into the fight, Kerr would knock himself out during a takedown attempt. He would walk away from PRIDE shortly thereafter and lose 7 out of his next 9 contests, all by first round stoppage.
This post has gotten off to an unexpectedly depressing start, but such is Mark Kerr. Let’s lighten things up a bit…
(If the slam itself doesn’t make you laugh, the sound effects surely will.)
Matt Lindland is a man of many masks: Mixed martial artist. Olympian. Coach. Politician. Professional rafter. All of these masks are certifiably goofy as fuck. Hence Lindland knocking himself out while attempting to take down Falaniko Vitale at UFC 43. The incident ranks just beneath Tim Sylvia shitting his pants on the UFC’s list of All Time Most Embarrassing Moments.
But Matt Lindland is a man of character. Matt Lindland is a fighter’s fighter. Hence why he rematched Vitale at UFC 45 and literally did not stop punching until his opponent tapped out. Lindland also cut Fedor that one time, which was pretty cool. In short, there are those of us who choose to rise from the ashes of defeat and those of us who choose to drown in them. The former are referred to as “Lindlands.” The latter are referred to as “VanOrmans.”
According to the “About” section of this video’s Youtube page, uploader Cr125rmxr “just had some fun with a UFC highlight.” I’m not so much angry that this poor fellow has never experienced true joy, I’m just disappointed that the best available free footage of Gray Maynard vs. Rob Emerson was uploaded in 2008 and features Intro to Garageband hip-hop beats, beats that dramatically cut out halfway through the video, leaving you to suffocate beneath your thoughts in the impending, deafening silence.
It’s a societal issue, really. Back in the day, computer nerds had ambition, had honor. They’d see an opportunity like Gray Maynard knocking himself out cold while slamming fellow castmate Rob Emerson at the TUF 5 Finale and just go to town: A gif parade here, a Benny Hill-themed remix there; it was glorious. But now, thanks to copyright claims, lawsuits, and general laziness, this crappy, home shot video of Gray Maynard breaking noted scumbag Rob Emerson’s ribs and simultaneously knocking himself out in his UFC debut is all that remains.
Everything’s a meme now. You’re a meme. I’m a meme. This human experiment is pointless.
Boris Miroshnichenko vs. Herman Yakubov – ProFC 50
In Russia, there is only suffering. Herman Yakubov knew this, which is why he made sure to KO himself twice for every time his opponent KO’d him at ProFC 50. From last week’s article:
While Yakubov, a Russian, was KO’d in the first round by his Belarusian counterpart, he also made sure to knock himself out *again* with his own knee on the way down, lawn chair style, and a third time when his head hit the canvas — as if to say, “Although you have damaged me, comrade, know that your damage holds not a candle to those wrought by my own devices. For what is life but the prolonging of inevitable death? And what is death, if not a face at peace…”
Randleman’s fall was so dramatic that not only did he come away from it with an actual cracked skull (*shoots visual daggers at Tito Ortiz*) but an injured shoulder to boot. And just like that, “First Defense” became “No Defense” — Randleman was pulled from his scheduled fight with Pedro Rizzo and the people of Lake Charles, Louisiana would set their city ablaze in rageful protest by nightfall.
Although many innocent lives were lost on that tragic evening of March the 10th, 1999, “The Monster” would receive his fight with Pedro Rizzo at UFC 26 in June of 2000. Randleman successfully defended his belt by way of unanimous decision and rode off into the sunset a champion…until he was defeated by Randy Couture in his next bout. Meep morp.
The CagePotato CMS is trying to autocorrect “Randleman” with “Manhandle.” That detail bears mentioning.
Tim Means – UFC on FOX 5
This one is kind of like the Kevin Randleman incident, but bonus points go to the omnipresent force that is Death for trying to take out Means in a sauna. You almost got him, Death. And according to Final Destination rules, you pretty much own him at this point.
You could argue that Forrest Griffin volunteered to be brutally knocked out as soon as he agreed to fight Anderson Silva. We’re sure he would agree with you.
Two weeks ago, former UFC fighter 
