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Non-Expert MMA Picks: UFC 164 Edition

(We had no idea what picture to use for this post, but this one seems to work nicely. Be sure to check out Meerkatsu’s shop for plenty of other awesome jiu-jitsu artwork.)

Are “the experts” really more knowledgeable than anyone else in terms of predicting who will win a fight? That’s debatable, to say the least. Today we’re bringing in Adam Touchet – a college football blogger and the most casual of casual MMA fans – to see how his predictions hold up against what will actually happen on Saturday night. Read on for his picks, follow him on Twitter, and check out more of his work at what is possibly the least pretentious college football blog on the Internet, BattleOfTheSun.com.

I’ve spent my tiny broadcasting and show-business career trying to prove that just because you’re on television with a microphone it doesn’t make you an expert. What makes a guy who doesn’t even play a sport an “expert” at it, and what makes the “predictions” of the broadcasters presenting a sporting event to the masses any more valid than its rabid fan base?

Spoiler Alert: Nothing.

(We had no idea what picture to use for this post, but this one seems to work nicely. Be sure to check out Meerkatsu’s shop for plenty of other awesome jiu-jitsu artwork.)

Spoiler Alert: Nothing.

My knowledge of MMA is limited to Jim Norton being choked out by almost the entire UFC roster on the Opie & Anthony Show. My knowledge of specific fighters stops at Brock Lesnar and Ken Shamrock. Yeah, that’s right, I’m a Vince McMahon guy (Hi CM Punk!).

So when this fine world-wide-web destination asked me to choose who is walking out of UFC 164 a winner, I was ready to twerk a Miley Cyrus slug trail all over the #ThickeDicke that is Cage Potato. My picks are highly uninformed and shamelessly unfounded. However, “predictions” are conjecture and results are the truth.

Here are my predictions for the pay-per-view matches. I don’t see why I need to Zumba my way through the 17 hour preliminary event because Fox Sports 1 needs to justify its existence to our cable providers. By the way, is this event really being called the “Hometown Throwdown?” <sarcasm> Gee, I wonder why Dana White stopped naming these events </sarcasm>.

Benson Henderson (c) vs. Anthony Pettis

My first impression of Benson Henderson isn’t “Destroyer of Worlds”. He seems like a nice guy and has the appearance of someone who brings interesting conspiracies to The Joe Rogan Experience, and “Smooth” is always an unacceptable nickname for champion. All of my superficial gripes about the champ aren’t nearly as inexcusable as Pettis being the fourth best in the world according to a website whose rankings actually matter. What’s the deal, did someone get a concussion?

Having said all that, Henderson is Korean. I think Koreans are underrated. No, I won’t explain myself further. Zip up your amazingly boss satin tiger jumpsuit, I’m picking Henderson to retain the title.

Frank Mir vs. Josh Barnett

Here’s what I know: Mir beat Brock Lesnar. Has Barnett beaten John Cena or HHH lately? If you can bring me proof, then I could have a case for Josh Barnett.

By the way, how old are these gentlemen? You people wonder why MMA is illegal in Manhattan! Is it even legal, nay, moral, to put two men of a certain age into the cage? Holy crap, get Ray Romano, Scott Bakula & Kevin James on the phone; Men of a Certain Age IN THE CAGE is the no-brainer sequel to Here Comes the Boom. I can’t be bothered with fact-checking and research, because I need to check Scott Bakula’s availability in 2014. Frank Mir wins.

Chad Mendes vs. Clay Guida

Chad Mendes is part of Team Alpha Male. I already feel like he’s threatening my masculinity. Clay Guida doesn’t feel the need to intimidate me as a viewer, so he’s totally got this.

Ben Rothwell vs. Brandon Vera

I tried to learn more about this matchup, but Wikipedia fell asleep before it could try to explain why I should be excited about it. When in doubt, I pick who scares me the most. Ben Rothwell, you look like a grizzled trucker, before the FDA banned gas station amphetamines. You win, sir.

Erik Koch vs. Dustin Poirier

What kind of uninformed, babbling, self-aggrandizing sports analyst would I be if I didn’t take my hometown hero, Dustin Poirier? That’s my pick, because they’re going to say the name of my city on the TV box!

Do you understand how shameless you can truly be when you just call the elephant in the room? Take note ESPN, if you count your revenue dollars from big NCAA TV contracts while chastising student-athletes for disgustingly trumped-up violations, you won’t look like a bigger dunce than I did trying to predict the outcome of UFC 164.

For actual “expert” advice: Gambling Addiction Enabler: ‘UFC 164: Henderson vs. Pettis II’ Edition

Obvious Statement of the Day: Dana White Thinks Tito Ortiz is “One of the Dumbest Motherfuckers You Will Ever Meet”

(For reference.)

It looks like there’s once again trouble a’ brewing between UFC president Dana White and UFC HOFer/lughead Tito Ortiz. If you recall, the beef between these two got to such a boiling point back in 2007 that Spike TV aired a special hyping up a boxing match between the two (one which never came to fruition, of course). And while it seemed that White and Ortiz had repaired their relationship for long enough to have Tito get beat into retirement, Ortiz’s recent signing with Bellator has reopened the trash-talking floodgates.

Things really kicked off when Ortiz compared DW to a slave master during a recent interview with Sportscenter:

I thought slavery was over a long time ago. It’s just one of those things where you can’t trust a word the man says. And when you can’t do that, how can you work for him? When you work for a person and they’re badmouthing you no matter what, how can you work for them? When you apologize for the things that did happen and he still goes behind your back and says things about you, for no reason at all. Dana’s thing now is bullying and he is one of the biggest bullies in the business. He’s a big bully. One of these days, karma, it always come back around.

It’s hard to argue with Tito’s comparison when looking at the facts. As we all know, slaves regularly received compensation packages totalling upwards of $250,000 for their work in the fields, as well as top notch medical care whenever they came down with a bad case of “cracked skull.” In addition, it is a well known fact that all slaves drove Rolls Royces to and from their million dollar summer homes.

Being that White is slightly more aware of what gets said about him in the media than the average President of a billion dollar corporation, he responded with the vitriol of a “Ben Affleck is the new Batman” Reddit thread at the Fight Night 27 media scrum on Wednesday.

(For reference.)

Things really kicked off when Ortiz compared DW to a slave master during a recent interview with Sportscenter:

I thought slavery was over a long time ago. It’s just one of those things where you can’t trust a word the man says. And when you can’t do that, how can you work for him? When you work for a person and they’re badmouthing you no matter what, how can you work for them? When you apologize for the things that did happen and he still goes behind your back and says things about you, for no reason at all. Dana’s thing now is bullying and he is one of the biggest bullies in the business. He’s a big bully. One of these days, karma, it always come back around.

(Exchange starts a 17:42)

Now I’m a fucking slave master, or whatever Tito called me. That fucking buffoon. How about this fucking moron coming out and saying he was a slave. Do you even know…I shouldn’t even ask that question if he knows what being a slave means, because he’s one of the dumbest motherfuckers you will ever meet. Seriously. He’s a slave to stupidity is what he is. I could go to the fucking zoo, go over the fucking monkey cage and have a more intelligent interaction.

Expect Ortiz to check the box for “crushed soul” on his next post-fight medical questionnaire. Don’t worry, he’s undergoing surgery next Spring to fix it.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, White then really went for the throat, addressing the obvious problems fans have had with the Ortiz/Rampage matchup from the moment it was announced, as well as the duo’s need to continue bashing their old promotion via their new one:

And then you got fucking Bozo and the other Bozo over there going “This is the greatest place in the world to work and we’re so happy!” Then what the fuck are you talking about me for? If you love where you’re at…why are you talking about me? It makes no sense. You’ve moved onto a better place. It’s like going to Heaven and bitching about Earth.

What are they gonna go on Sportscenter and talk about? The fight?! The Sportscenter guy didn’t even know what to say: “So, you’ve both lost 10 of your fucking last 10 fights, neither of you have a win but you’re on Sportscenter for some reason.”

–J. Jones

Knockout of the Year Candidate: A Man Known Simply as “Tick” Uncorks a Rolling Falcon Punch in an Ammy Fight

(Props: MiddleEasy)

To the untrained eye, it might appear as if the Team Quest Thailand amateur MMA fighter above (known simply as “Tick”) pulled this one-punch knockout from the deepest, darkest realms of his asshole. But as Sensei Rogan would tell you, fighting is equal parts technique and deception, and being that Tick started his fight against David Van with a picture perfect spinning back kick to de liver, we know he’s got the former in spades. So to claim that the “Rolling Falcon Punch” he finishes Van with at the :37 mark was anything less than Machida-esque in its timing and grace would not only be wrong, it would also be incorrect, inaccurate, fallacious and plain ig’nant.

Lucky punch, you say? Please, luck is for people who didn’t play Super Smash Bros as a child and immediately start applying those techniques to real life. It is a well known fact that Jon Jones learned most of that crazy spinning shit he throws by mimicking Youtube videos — this is simply the next evolutionary step of that mentality. Tune in to Tick’s next fight, where he will attempt to inhale his opponent, drain his powers and crush him by turning into a boulder in mid-air.

Here’s a cool screenshot I grabbed from the video. Captions, please.

“Derp!”

–J. Jones

(Props: MiddleEasy)

Here’s a cool screenshot I grabbed from the video. Captions, please.

“Derp!”

–J. Jones

In Case You Were Wondering, Michael Bisping Could Have EASILY Knocked Out Anderson Silva

In a recent interview with MMAWeekly, Michael Bisping made the following statement (emphasis mine):

Obviously it would always be a dream of mine to fight Anderson Silva and be the guy to take the title, of course. Yeah I was a little disappointed and I’m not taking anything away from his win, but we all know Anderson Silva was acting like an idiot and he got knocked out. It would have been nice to be the guy that did it, so congratulations to Chris, he’s the new champion and certainly a formidable force at middleweight, but yeah, it stinks a little. I could have done that. I could have easily done that.

Now, before you start labeling Bisping a “troll,” let us first consider the man’s impeccable record when it comes to predicting how his fights will end:

– On Chael Sonnen: “I’ll start landing punches and soon he’ll fall to the floor.”

– On Brian Stann: “He won’t last as long as a virgin on prom night.”

– On Vitor Belfort: “He only knocks out easy bait.”

– On Alan Belcher: “He’s going to get what’s coming to him: a brutal beatdown which he will never, ever forget.”

…well, at least he got that last one right.

–J. Jones

In a recent interview with MMAWeekly, Michael Bisping made the following statement (emphasis mine):

Obviously it would always be a dream of mine to fight Anderson Silva and be the guy to take the title, of course. Yeah I was a little disappointed and I’m not taking anything away from his win, but we all know Anderson Silva was acting like an idiot and he got knocked out. It would have been nice to be the guy that did it, so congratulations to Chris, he’s the new champion and certainly a formidable force at middleweight, but yeah, it stinks a little. I could have done that. I could have easily done that.

Now, before you start labeling Bisping a “troll,” let us first consider the man’s impeccable record when it comes to predicting how his fights will end:

– On Chael Sonnen: “I’ll start landing punches and soon he’ll fall to the floor.”

– On Brian Stann: “He won’t last as long as a virgin on prom night.”

– On Vitor Belfort: “He only knocks out easy bait.”

– On Alan Belcher: “He’s going to get what’s coming to him: a brutal beatdown which he will never, ever forget.”

…well, at least he got that last one right.

–J. Jones

[VIDEO] Mike Tyson’s First Press Conference as a Boxing Promoter Will Make you Laugh, Cry, and Cheer

(Props: Steven Lott)

Last month we told you that former boxing great Mike Tyson was becoming a fight promoter. At the time, he said he hoped to do right by the fighters signed to his promotion and not take advantage of them the way past promoters like Don King had done with him during Tyson’s career.

At his first press conference as a boxing promoter (video above), Tyson repeated that goal and hyped an ESPN 2 Friday Night Fights card scheduled for tonight at 9 p.m. ET with his characteristic mixture of humility, profanity, and wisdom.

“I’m a little nervous here but I’m just excited to be involved with this whole establishment,” Tyson told the assembled reporters.

As expected, the questions he fielded from reporters were mostly about Tyson himself. At a certain point, “Iron Mike” tried to bring the focus back to the fighters on the card, encouraging them to pick up their mics and promote themselves.

“I need some of these fighters to come up here and say “I’m going to kill him” or something. I need him to talk about his mother. We need to sell tickets. Come on man. This guy’s a bomber and he’s a gentleman,” Tyson said referring to his main event fighters.

It was interesting that Tyson insisted on not calling the combatants “his” fighters, however. “I don’t own anybody. Those days are over,” Tyson said.

(Props: Steven Lott)

“I’m a little nervous here but I’m just excited to be involved with this whole establishment,” Tyson told the assembled reporters.

It was interesting that Tyson insisted on not calling the combatants “his” fighters, however. “I don’t own anybody. Those days are over,” Tyson said.

The former champion did try to pass along some advice to the young fighters, however. “I can’t stop nobody from abusing themselves because they couldn’t stop me from abusing myself but what I can do is give this champion his check personally and his manager won’t get it,” he began.

“I can give it to him personally and, I don’t know if his manager is a crappy ass manager but he can give it to his crappy ass manager…don’t give him the check, champ. Just pay him, don’t give him the check. Just pay him his fee, don’t give him the whole check. Motherfucker.”

Tyson also spoke of MMA’s effect on boxing. “It overshadowed boxing so much because boxing has been so predictable,” he said.

“And, it has a lot to do with the officials in boxing when they give those horrible decisions…these bad decisions that they’ve been giving is turning people away from boxing. It is so overt…people want to see action. People want to see the two best fighters in the world fight.”

Tyson got “on a roll,” receiving applause from those in the room when he spoke about the need to reform boxing ethics and match-making, and floated another idea — fans deciding who gets to fight who. “You all guys should be able to put in a text and let us know who you want to fight.”

As if it weren’t already abundantly clear, however, Tyson made sure that reporters knew he would not ever compete again himself. “I never want to get in the ring again, ok,” Mike maintained.

“I almost got killed. I just enjoy being around these guys. I understand what these guys are going through.”

– Elias Cepeda

[VIDEO] Fight Stories With Urijah Faber: The Douchebag Black Belt

(Video via FoxSports. Some language NSFW.)

UFC bantamweight Urijah Faber knows a little something about having to defend himself in real life when stuff hits the fan. Epic Bali bar/street fight against an army of Indonesians, anybody?

So, it makes perfect sense that the UFC and Fox Sports chose “The California Kid” as the host of it’s new Fight Stories YouTube series, in which Faber sits down with a real fan who tells a hilarious (and hopefully true) story of having to throw down in a street fight — and then, the whole interaction is animated. The first installment is above; we don’t want to completely spoil it for you, but it does involve alcohol and copious ball punching. Enjoy.

Between Fight Stories, CagePotato’s MMA Mythology and Prebek’s gold mine of cartoon shorts, I think it is fair to say that we are living in the golden age of MMA animation.

– Elias Cepeda

(Video via FoxSports. Some language NSFW.)

UFC bantamweight Urijah Faber knows a little something about having to defend himself in real life when stuff hits the fan. Epic Bali bar/street fight against an army of Indonesians, anybody?

Between Fight Stories, CagePotato’s MMA Mythology and Prebek’s gold mine of cartoon shorts, I think it is fair to say that we are living in the golden age of MMA animation.

– Elias Cepeda