(From L-R: Gabriel Gonzaga, UFC president Dana White, Squidward Q. Tentacles, and the guy who totally isn’t Dana White’s bodyguard. Photo via MMAJunkie)
Before the UFC 142 pay-per-view card kicks off from the HSBC Arena in Rio de Janeiro, FX will be airing four fights from the preliminary card, featuring the return of veteran lightweight striker Sam Stout as well as formerly-retired heavyweight Gabriel Gonzaga. Follow us after the jump for round-by-round results from the live prelims broadcast starting at 8 p.m., courtesy of rookie CagePotato liveblogger Anthony Gannon. Porra, you guys!
Sup, Potatoheads. I’m known around these parts as Gan. I look sort of like a mini Butterbean, just without the shorts pulled up to my jugs and the toughness. I enjoy sophomoric humor, ridiculously large burritos, and Friday night bubble baths with a nice Chardonnay, except if it’s a 2004 of course, which everyone knows was simply an appalling year for subtle, buttery whites. That aside, I’m here for you tonight. So let’s do this.
This one is basically Brazil vs. The World, and if it’s anything like the last Brazil card, then the home field advantage will be immense. At UFC 134, with the exception of Luis Cane – who lost by blitzkrieg to Stanislav Nedkov – all of the other seven Brazilians who faced foreigners won their fights. Luis brought shame onto his country and has subsequently been exiled to Nepal. They play for keeps in Brazil. Somewhere out there at this very moment, the Nog Brothers, Anderson Silva, and Steven Seagal are sitting around a fire pit making final preparations for world subjugation by forcing us to change the way we pronounce our R’s.
First up is Ricardo Funch vs. Mike Pyle. Pyle is reppin’ the USA as the lone American on the undercard.
Round 1: They touch gloves and it’s on. Pyle throws knuckles, Funch blocks. Funch with a nice leg kick. They clinch and trade knees. Pyle is winging hooks, but it’s a straight right that finds its way in. Oof, a beautiful knee to the beard drops Funch and Pyle swarms in with punches. Mario Yamasaki steps in and saves Funch from further damage.
Mike Pyle wins by TKO at 1:22 of Round 1. The crowd is not pleased.
Next up is Yuri Alcantara vs. Michihiro Omigawa. And luckily we are treated to more commercials. Hot Hooter’s girls are advising us to beware of bad wings. Pretty ironic.
Round 1: Leon Roberts is our ref, and here we go. They come out hard, Omigawa walks into a heavy knee. Yuri lands another nasty knee to the midsection. Omigawa looks miserable already. Yuri lands a big left. Omigawa is getting his freak on in there, and he lands a left. Spinning back fist misses. “A” for effort. Yuri lands a nice combo. Head kick by Yuri misses. Yuri lands another big left. Huge knee to the body by Yuri, then a huge left has Omigawa rocked. Yuri takes his back and is dropping bombs. But Omigawa reverses ends up on top in Yuri’s guard. Omigawa moves to half guard and is landing a few pitter-patter shots. Yuri with a quick armbar, but Omigawa is saved by the bell.
Round 2: Yuri with a head kick, blocked by Omigawa. Omigawa lands a left. Uppercut whiffed by Yuri. Big left drops Omigawa, and Yuri is in butterfly guard. He moves to half guard, but Omigawa is looking for a leg. Yuri is having none of it. He takes Omigawa’s back, one hook in, and is punching him in the side of the head. Yuri going for a choke, looks good,but Omigawa escapes. Omigawa gets back to guard. Yuri lands a couple of shots, but this is a positional battle right now. Yuri escapes guard, is in half guard, but Omigawa is slippery. Yuri lands a couple shots, Omigawa is bleeding from the ear. Good round for Yuri.
Round 3: Yuri misses a knee while Omigawa lands a short left. Omigawa is still getting his freak on, Yuri looks a little fatigued. Omigawa lands, Yuri whiffs a big hook. Omigawa tries another spinning backfist, it grazes Yuri. Yuri lands a couple big lefts. Yuri punches Omigawa right in his bloody ear. Yuck. Yuri throws a head kick, Omigawa blocks. Both guys are winging punches. Omigawa lands an elbow to the temple, then takes Yuri down. He’s stuck in guard. Omigawa with some ground and pound, but he’s got to know he’s down 2 rounds to 1. He needs to do something dramatic. The ref stand sthem up with 15 seconds to go. Yuri with a throw, lands in full mount, and the bell sounds.
Charles Barkley pimps Weight Watchers. WTF?
Yuri Alcantara scores a unanimous decision victory. He also has one of the nastiest cauliflower ears I’ve ever seen. Even still, he has the gratitude to thank the Almighty.
Rogan and Goldy are selling the main event. Hopefully now that we’re on FX we won’t have to watch Rogan and Dana White close out the broadcast by screaming at the top of their lungs over “Teenage Wasteland” while Rogan’s neck veins explode.
Next we have Gabriel Gonzaga vs. Ednaldo Oliveira. Gonzaga, best known for knocking out Crop Cop with one of the greatest head kicks ever, and for grossly spitting a bloody loogey onto Randy Couture’s back, was retired, but came back to fight Parker Porter a couple of months ago. Now he makes his Octagon return. And thankfully, it appears that finally he has someone in his camp who realizes the importance of Nairing the shoulders.
Round 1: They touch, and it’s a go. They’re feeling each other out. Ednaldo is utilizing the jab, trying to gauge the distance. Gabe misses with a right, but lands a body punch. Ednaldo lands to the head. Gabe with a big takedown. Ednaldo gets to his feet, and Gabe plants him again. He’s in half guard, and looking to land. Gabe takes the back and secures a rear naked choke.
Gabriel Gonzaga wins by rear naked choke at 3:22 of Round 1. Gabe acts as his own interpreter, much respect for that.
Felipe Arantes vs. Antonio Carvalho
Round 1: Antonio with a takedown. In half guard. He’s dropping hammerfists to the body. Moves to side control. They roll and Antonio ends up on top. Now they’re up. Antonio has a headlock on and is throwing knees. Antonio moves to full mount. He’s winging shots, but Felipe escapes and lands a knee. Felipe sticks a nice jab. And another. Spinning back kick missed by Felipe. Antonio tosses a high kick and it’s blocked. And again, but it completely misses. Felipe with a high kick of his won, blocked. They’re trading bones, and Felipe looks to be the more fluid striker. Jumping knee by Felipe, but Antonio absorbs it and grabs a leg, cannot get the takedown. Close round.
Round 2: Felipe misses a kick. Then lands one to the ribs. Oh he’s chucking now. Antonio doing a good job of covering up though, he avoids most of the onslaught. Head kick by Antonio blocked. Nice leg kick by Antonio. High kick returned by Felipe, blocked. Felipe lands a body kick, and they clinch. Antonio has Felipe against the cage, trying for a takedown. Felipe defends well, and is free. Felipe lands a front kick. Takedown attempt by Antonio, defended. Felipe lands a nice straight right. Antonio misses on his combination. Felipe grabs a clinch, knee to the body. Nice leg kick by Felipe too. And another. The round ends with mutual shots.
Round 3: They touch to start the final frame. Antonio lands a leg kick after missing a hook. Felipe responds in kind. They trade leg kicks. Jumping knee by Felipe, grazes. Snapping high kick misses by Antonio. Antonio wanted this fight on the ground and pulled guard to get it there. He’s using the rubber guard, but lets it go. Felipe lands a couple of elbows, and Antonio is cut. Felipe landing some good shots on the ground, including another elbow right to the cut. Antonio working a high guard, but cannot keep it. Felipe goes body, head with punches. Antonio is up but eats a knee. He’s tossing hard, looking for some payback. Spinning kick misses, badly. Knee by Felipe. Felipe lands a huge right. Antonio charges forward but is missing everything he tosses. The clock sounds, and it looks like Felipe has this one locked down. We’ll see.
Felipe Arantes scores himself a unanimous decision victory.
Sam Stout vs. Thiago Tavares up next.
Round 1: Thiago charges forward, they clinch. He scores an easy takedown, not good for Stout. He’s gotten very good on the ground, but the key for him lies in takedown defense in this one. He’s posted, and looking to stand up. Thiago is working the back, but Stout gets free. Stout catches a kick, tosses Thiago off. Thiago clinches up and scores another takedown. Stout is trying to wall walk and eats one to the chops forit. Now he’s up, but Thiago scoops him up and slams him. Stout back against the cage, trying to get up. Thiago relentless with the takedown. Sam is up, but Thiago grabs his neck and pulls guard for a guillotine. Stout escapes and is up. They roll, and Thiago goes for a leg, nothing happening with that. Stout lands right hand. They both chuck, and miss. Thiago lands a hook to the head, and another. Good round for Thaigo.
Round 2: Stout changes, Thiago lands. Stout with a short right. Thiago with a jab. Stout misses an uppercut. Thiago closes the distance and wants a takedown, not happening. Thiago lands a nice right, then a body kick. He shoots but gets shrugged off. Thiago throws a bomb and misses badly. Nice combination by Thiago. And he’s going for a takedown, Stout defends. Stout plods forward but cannot seem to get anything going. Then he lands a body shot. Thaigo grazes a head kick. Stout to the body, and he’s bleeding from behind his ear. Thiago misses a kick, and Stout goes to the body. Stout lands a job while Thiago misses an overhand. Stout lands a nice body kick, then a body punch. Nice leg kick by Thiago, and that’s the round. Close round.
Round 3: Thiago wings one, misses. Then he lands a good one to the chops. Stout with a low kick. Whoops, there’s a boot to the pills. Thiago is down and in pain. He’s up, and trying to walk it off. He lays back down. Now he’s up, and looks ready to go. Stout apologizes,and we’re back on. Thiago throws two kicks, both blocked, misses another overhand. Thiago shoots, Stout defends. Thaigo then lands a hard leg kick. Stout pushing forward, Thiago goes for a takedown, Stout defends again. Stout lands. Another leg kick by Thiago, as Stout lands a hook. Thiago lands a jab. Stout lands two jabs in a row, pretty sweet. Thiago lands a big right. Body kick by Thiago, caught by Stout. Stout with an inside leg kick of his own. Stout with a jab. Leg kick by Stout. Stout drops thiago with a right, and again. And yet again. Stout finished strong, but it may too little too late.
Thiago Tavares wins the unanimous decision.
Well that’s it for me, people. Thanks for getting your live blog on with me. I’m outty. Enjoy the main card.
In his first 
Welcome to the UFC Ednaldo Oliveira.