It doesn’t matter how fancy things get at the top of the sport — MMA’s regional scene is still a chaotic mess where literally anything can happen. Case in point: At Fire Extreme Fighting’s show at the Kankakee Fair Grounds in Illinois on Saturday night, a 53-year-old spectator named Tim was asked if he’d come in as a replacement for a fighter who had dropped out at the last minute. Being in fair shape for his age, and open to new experiences, Tim agreed, and found himself staring down a 21-year-old opponent just an hour later.
You can check out the video above. When the dust settles on this one-round slobberknocker, Tim has won by TKO and we find out that the enthusiastic camera-person is none other than Stephan Bonnar. “You’re my hero! That was awesome!” Bonnar tells Tim, who’s a little too winded to walk us through the replay.
As for the 21-year-old who was left unconscious in a planked position? Details on him are scarce, but it’s very likely he didn’t get laid that night.
It doesn’t matter how fancy things get at the top of the sport — MMA’s regional scene is still a chaotic mess where literally anything can happen. Case in point: At Fire Extreme Fighting’s show at the Kankakee Fair Grounds in Illinois on Saturday night, a 53-year-old spectator named Tim was asked if he’d come in as a replacement for a fighter who had dropped out at the last minute. Being in fair shape for his age, and open to new experiences, Tim agreed, and found himself staring down a 21-year-old opponent just an hour later.
You can check out the video above. When the dust settles on this one-round slobberknocker, Tim has won by TKO and we find out that the enthusiastic camera-person is none other than Stephan Bonnar. “You’re my hero! That was awesome!” Bonnar tells Tim, who’s a little too winded to walk us through the replay.
As for the 21-year-old who was left unconscious in a planked position? Details on him are scarce, but it’s very likely he didn’t get laid that night.
Yesterday, UK based promotion X-treme Combat held its sixth mixed combat event in Cumbria, North West England. Featuring amateur boxing, semi-pro boxing, and kickboxing matches, the evening was highlighted by a K1-style rules bout between FlexMMA product Lewis Bailey and Salfrod MMA’s Paul Calland. Held in an octagon that can only be described as “replica size” with two of the most eager ringside announcers in recent memory calling the action, the scrap featured several back and forth exchanges in its brief duration.
After whiffing a head kick around the 2:40 mark, Calland decides to turn a turd into gold by unleashing a wild spinning backfist as a follow up. A backfist so wild, in fact, that it wasn’t really a spinning backfist at all, but more of a sloppy, unintentional spinning elbow ala Jon Jones. In either case, it catches Bailey completely off guard, rendering him unconscious before he can even fall to the canvas like a rapidly deflating balloon. Now, our Pikey may be a little rusty, but we believe one of the announcers referred to the shot as “a poop,” which references the fact that Bailey likely shit himself after being hit with such a powerful blow.
And while we’re discussing all things KO-related, we’ve got to give some props to FUEL TV, who recently released full, crystal clear videos of the Lavar Johnson/Joey Beltran and Pat Barry/Christian Morecraft scraps from January’s UFC on FX: Guillard vs. Miller card to hype up Barry and Johnson’s upcoming clash at UFC on FOX 3. Both were exciting brawls to say the least, and both ended by way of violent KO, so check them out after the jump.
Yesterday, UK based promotion X-treme Combat held its sixth mixed combat event in Cumbria, North West England. Featuring amateur boxing, semi-pro boxing, and kickboxing matches, the evening was highlighted by a K1-style rules bout between FlexMMA product Lewis Bailey and Salfrod MMA’s Paul Calland. Held in an octagon that can only be described as “replica size” with two of the most eager ringside announcers in recent memory calling the action, the scrap featured several back and forth exchanges in its brief duration.
After whiffing a head kick around the 2:40 mark, Calland decides to turn a turd into gold by unleashing a wild spinning backfist as a follow up. A backfist so wild, in fact, that it wasn’t really a spinning backfist at all, but more of a sloppy, unintentional spinning elbow ala Jon Jones. In either case, it catches Bailey completely off guard, rendering him unconscious before he can even fall to the canvas like a rapidly deflating balloon. Now, our Pikey may be a little rusty, but we believe one of the announcers referred to the shot as “a poop,” which references the fact that Bailey likely shit himself after being hit with such a powerful blow.
And while we’re discussing all things KO-related, we’ve got to give some props to FUEL TV, who recently released full, crystal clear videos of the Lavar Johnson/Joey Beltran and Pat Barry/Christian Morecraft scraps from January’s UFC on FX: Guillard vs. Miller card to hype up Barry and Johnson’s upcoming clash at UFC on FOX 3. Both were exciting brawls to say the least, and both ended by way of violent KO, so check them out below.
Barry vs. Morecraft
You gotta feel for Christian Morecraft. The poor bastard has easily lost five years off his life thanks to the combined powers of Barry, Matt Mitrione, and Stefan Struve, and we can’t even remember who his lone UFC victory came against. Or perhaps we just don’t want to. Let’s hope Morecraft can bounce back in his next octagon appearance, because to our knowledge, he is still employed by Zuffa, right?
Johnson vs. Beltran
After Joey Beltran’s three round war with Barry at UFC: Fight for the Troops 2 in January of 2011, we thought it would be damn near impossible to “The Mexicutioner,” but leave it to a man who calls himself “Big Johnson” to prove us wrong. Turns out, Johnson must have unlodged about 20 pounds of undigested read meat from Beltran’s colon with that series of uppercuts, because Beltran looks like a completely different person nowadays, and has already picked up a UD win over Anton Talamante last weekend in his light-heavyweight debut.
I don’t know how you have a staredown with a French accent, but I’m pretty sure Romy Ruyssen (right) is doing it.
So let’s get this out of the way: I live in Kansas.
No, I don’t know what the hell a jayhawk is. I’m not actually from here.
Anyways, Invicta Fighting Championships is going down just a short drive away in Kansas City, so I was quick to accept when I was offered a chance to be a member of the fight media for the inaugural Invicta FC card.
There were a few hiccups at the weigh-ins: for some reason, they did not set up a raised platform for me to set up upon. As a result my pictures and video were of decidedly low quality. (As a recompense, please enjoy a few pictures courtesy of Invicta’s own photographer, Esther Lin.)
I don’t know how you have a staredown with a French accent, but I’m pretty sure Romy Ruyssen (right) is doing it.
So let’s get this out of the way: I live in Kansas.
No, I don’t know what the hell a jayhawk is. I’m not actually from here.
Anyways, Invicta Fighting Championships is going down just a short drive away in Kansas City, so I was quick to accept when I was offered a chance to be a member of the fight media for the inaugural Invicta FC card.
There were a few hiccups at the weigh-ins: for some reason, they did not set up a raised platform for me to set up upon. As a result my pictures and video were of decidedly low quality. (As a recompense, please enjoy a few pictures courtesy of Invicta’s own guest photographer, Esther Lin.)
Nicdali Rivera-Calanoc and Amy Davis are going to the death, bro.
Four of twenty-two fighters missed weight, despite the emphasis Invicta co-founders Shannon Knapp and Janet Martin have have placed on establishing weight classes and staying away from catchweights. Notably, Romy Ruyssen had a brutal cut, weighing in first at 150.4 pounds for her featherweight bout with Marloes Coenen.
Randi Miller, an Olympic wrestling medalist making her debut, also missed weight, also coming in five pounds (4.8, whatever) for a 145 pound bout. For full results, check out my boy Rob Sargent at MMARising.com.
Hopefully, with a little stability in weight classes the women will be able to stop yo-yoing their body weights in order to get fights, and reliably make weight.
Liz “The Girl-Rilla” Carmouche vs vs Ashleigh Curry, photobomb by Manolo Hernandez, coach of Team Hurricane Awesome.
“is watching an all lady Weigh-in Hot?” Yes if you’re the type to get a holocaust boner.
There, now you’re going to Hell, too.
Now, maybe Sarah “Big Monster” D’Alelio had a calculated makeover to make her appear more likely to sting you with a left jab and punt you in the neck — but it’s kinda working.
Best #BadPickUpLinesAtInvictaFC (so far):
@12ozCurls: You look really good after you’ve cut all that weight, can I buy you a glass of water?
@Jay_Spaceman: You’ve got great hands. I bet they make a mean sandwich.
Looks like a fun night of fights tomorrow. Make sure you tune-in; I might do something crazy and wind up in the broadcast.
DISCLAIMER: This feature is purely a satirical piece- you know, like the title explicitly states. Any references to real people and events are purely for comedic effect. Nothing you are about to read is actual news, and no quotes used in this article are authentic quotes. In short, don’t take anything you are about to read as a real news story. Pictured: How drug abusing MMA fighters would look if they had some dignity.
The general public has been outraged over Chael Sonnen’s recent comments defending Alistair Overeem, and do not seem to be willing to forgive and forget any time soon. Sonnen defended Overeem on the basis that Overeem simply had an elevated testosterone-to-epitestosterone ratio, and did not test positive for an illegal substance. However, many still believe that Overeem’s elevated T:E ratio was caused by testosterone usage. If true (and it certainly looks true), it gives him an unfair advantage at his job, and therefore is completely unacceptable.
“This is an outrage!” cried Sean Franchetti, a journalist for the popular MMA news outlet Cage Crapato, while snorting his third Adderall of the week. “SorryaboutthatIhave…I have four feature articles due by tomorrow morning, and there’s no way I can do all that without snorting a few lines first.”
DISCLAIMER: This feature is purely a satirical piece- you know, like the title explicitly states. Any references to real people and events are purely for comedic effect. Nothing you are about to read is actual news, and no quotes used in this article are authentic quotes. In short, don’t take anything you are about to read as a real news story. Pictured: How drug abusing MMA fighters would look if they had some dignity.
The general public has been outraged over Chael Sonnen’s recent comments defending Alistair Overeem, and do not seem to be willing to forgive and forget any time soon. Sonnen defended Overeem on the basis that Overeem simply had an elevated testosterone-to-epitestosterone ratio, and did not test positive for an illegal substance. However, many still believe that Overeem’s elevated T:E ratio was caused by testosterone usage. If true (and it certainly looks true), it gives him an unfair advantage at his job, and therefore is completely unacceptable.
“This is an outrage!” cried Sean Franchetti, a journalist for the popular MMA news outlet Cage Crapato, while snorting his third Adderall of the week. “SorryaboutthatIhave…I have four feature articles due by tomorrow morning, and there’s no way I can do all that without snorting a few lines first.”
“Anyways, I don’t care if he has a prescription for it; cheaters who take drugs that give them competitive advantages should be banned from sports! You don’t see me taking steroids to do my job, do you?”
Franchetti is not alone on his stance towards testosterone usage in mixed martial arts. People across the country seem to agree that drug usage is deplorable- especially when the drug in question makes a person better at his or her job.
“This is why professional sports are such a joke- they all need drugs to do anything meaningful! If you aren’t good enough to do your job without injecting drugs, then you just aren’t good enough to be doing the job in the first place.” says Grayson McDouche, lead singer of the hardcore punk band The Arachnamen. “Guys like Sid Vicious, Dee Dee Ramone, G.G. Allin…they’re the real heroes. If people weren’t such jock-worshipping sheep, they’d idolize those of us who don’t need drugs to create things of meaning.”
But the problem of testosterone usage runs deeper than pure performance enhancement. Some people, like Jerry Conway, president of bodybuilding supplement company Sugarpill Pharmaceuticals, worry that the acceptance of testosterone usage in sports will keep those who chose not to use testosterone- or perhaps those who can’t afford it- out of competitive sports.
“What about the athletes who can’t afford to spend money on testosterone injections, or the athletes that look at [testosterone usage] and think ‘I don’t want to take this, this is too dangerous’? They’re now out of the loop, all because they aren’t risking their health on something their trainers mindlessly told them to take. And when you add on that some of these fighters are getting testosterone at prescription prices, they might as well be sponsored by this abomination to professional sports!”
Sugarpill Pharmaceuticals is the official sponsor of Indiana Super Fights, and sponsors several MMA fighters. Their most popular pre-workout drink, Turbo DecaVar 5000 XTREME!!!!!, has caused four heart attacks to date.
Likewise, Dr. Philip Napoleon, a professor of Bellator History at Louisiana University, worries that athletes are getting unnecessary prescriptions for testosterone, which in turn causes doctors to be hesitant to write prescriptions for people who actually need prescription drugs.
“You got these guys saying ‘I need testosterone because I’m tired from my workouts’ like that’s an unexpected consequence of intense training. It makes the whole thing look like a joke. It’s why it’s so hard to convince doctors that I need an Adderall prescription, and why the English department has trouble getting marijuana prescriptions for their insomnia/back problems/hatred of Doritos/terrible golf swings.” said Dr. Napoleon via email.
“I remember the day it became obvious to me that I needed an Adderall prescription: I was trying to write a two hour lecture on Ben Askren’s fighting style. While watching his fights, I became so bored that I couldn’t focus. It wasn’t just plain old vanilla ‘This fight could be more interesting’ that I was feeling; I literally felt like I’d rather pay attention to ANYTHING but Ben Askren. In fact, at one point during the fourth round of his most recent fight, I almost fell asleep! Clearly, I am a man who needs Adderall, yet so many doctors assume that giving me a prescription would be a farce- all because athletes are getting unnecessary testosterone prescriptions!”
After speaking to fans and pundits, it’s painfully clear that performance enhancement through drug usage is a dark problem in professional sports. Many athletes are getting questionable prescriptions for testosterone, which can be dangerous if misused. Yet these athletes are often naïve enough to think that they actually need testosterone.
Most importantly: it is obvious that the problem of performance enhancement through drug usage is a problem that is exclusive to professional sports, and by no means carries over to the rest of society.
Well this is interesting. According to BJPenn.com, former UFC welterweight contender Frank Trigg has recently been released from his HDNet contract, where he served as a commentator for such promotions as Dream and Legacy Fighting Championships. Now, we know you’re asking yourself, “How could the man behind such classic phrases as ‘OH, OH NO, OHHHH!!‘ and ‘Fedor is going to dispatch this man very quickly‘ possibly be let go as a commentator?!” At first, we would have agreed with you. Until we found out why he is being let go, that is. Mainly, the reasons appear that be beat, then cheated, on his soon to be ex-wife.
Yikes.
Here’s the alleged story:
Former UFC fighter, Frank Trigg has been relieved of his duties as a commentator for HDNet for alleged domestic violence and having an improper relationship with a co-worker.
Trigg allegedly choked his wife unconscious in front of their children back in October of 2011, and is now in the middle of a very messy divorce.
As if that wasn’t enough, he was also found to be having an affair with a 23 year old assistant producer for HDNet. The company did not approve of the improper relationship he was having or the allegations of abuse, and in turn they have fired him from his job as a commentator.
You think that’s bad? Check out a disturbing photo of the bruises left on his wife’s throat after the 2011 incident below, first posted on TheDirty.com:
(One of these days, Alice, RIGHT TO THE MOON!)
Well this is interesting. According to BJPenn.com, former UFC welterweight contender Frank Trigg has recently been released from his HDNet contract, where he served as a commentator for such promotions as Dream and Legacy Fighting Championships. Now, we know you’re asking yourself, “How could the man behind such classic phrases as ‘OH, OH NO, OHHHH!!‘ and ‘Fedor is going to dispatch this man very quickly‘ possibly be let go as a commentator?!” At first, we would have agreed with you. Until we found out why he is being let go, that is. Mainly, the reasons appear that be beat, then cheated, on his soon to be ex-wife.
Yikes.
Here’s the alleged story:
Former UFC fighter, Frank Trigg has been relieved of his duties as a commentator for HDNet for alleged domestic violence and having an improper relationship with a co-worker.
Trigg allegedly choked his wife unconscious in front of their children back in October of 2011, and is now in the middle of a very messy divorce.
As if that wasn’t enough, he was also found to be having an affair with a 23 year old assistant producer for HDNet. The company did not approve of the improper relationship he was having or the allegations of abuse, and in turn they have fired him from his job as a commentator.
You think that’s bad? Check out a disturbing photo of the bruises left on his wife’s throat after the 2011 incident below, first posted on TheDirty.com:
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Out of fear that I could get fired for the rant I was about to embark on, I’m going to let cooler heads prevail and keep quiet until all of the facts are brought to light. Needless to say, my rage is consuming me. Trigg has yet to make a statement on the matter, but we will keep you informed as the story develops.
Give your regards to “Twinkle Toes” in the comment section. And don’t hold back.
