If it wasn’t already crystal clear that former pound for pound boxing great Roy Jones Jr.’s near twenty-five year career had gone on for far too long, Thursday it was announced that he will fight Kevin ‘Kimbo Slice’ Ferguson in Jamaica in December. This fight that no one asked for and that no self-respecting athletic commission would sanction is apparently being made possible by something called Giomax Entertainment Company and Stewart’s Auto Sales.
Yup.
Jones went the first fourteen years or so of his professional boxing career without a real loss (He was disqualified for hitting Montell Griffin while he was down in 1997 and promptly KO’d him when they re-matched five months later) and dominated multiple weight classes on his way to being considered, at times, the world’s best boxer, pound for pound. But since 2004 Jones has gone 7-7, with four of those losses being ugly knockouts or TKO’s.
If it wasn’t already crystal clear that former pound for pound boxing great Roy Jones Jr.’s near twenty-five year career had gone on for far too long, Thursday it was announced that he will fight Kevin ‘Kimbo Slice’ Ferguson in Jamaica in December. This fight that no one asked for and that no self-respecting athletic commission would sanction is apparently being made possible by something called Giomax Entertainment Company and Stewart’s Auto Sales.
Yup.
Jones went the first fourteen years or so of his professional boxing career without a real loss (He was disqualified for hitting Montell Griffin while he was down in 1997 and promptly KO’d him when they re-matched five months later) and dominated multiple weight classes on his way to being considered, at times, the world’s best boxer, pound for pound. But since 2004 Jones has gone 7-7, with four of those losses being ugly knockouts or TKO’s.
And so, it has come to this for Jones Jr. Fighting Slice, who is best known for fighting boxing schlubs in South Florida and having those sloppy competitions posted on YouTube, will be a career-low for Jones.
Sure, Kimbo moved past dock boxing to, first, getting propped (EliteXC) and then easily over matched (UFC) up in MMA, and since moving to professional boxing recently he’s built a 5-0 record. We can’t begrudge Slice his financial success and for taking his fame and running with it but Jones has over sixty professional boxing matches, before that was an Olympian (Do yourself a favor and see him dominate the ’88 Olympics and then get screwed out of the gold medal, if you haven’t already).
Jones Jr. vs. Kimbo is a textbook example of the worst part of the fight world – businessmen trying to make a quick buck with sad and silly match ups that exploit fighters and put them at risk. We really have no interest in promoting this bout anymore than we just have so if you want details of when this piece of garbage is supposed to happen, and where, check out the doting article written by The Jamaican Observer.
Every great sport has been built on the backs of men who absolutely sucked at it — athletes whose hapless failures made the champions’ triumphs look even more outstanding by comparison. Baseball has its Mario Mendozas, its Bob Kammeyers, its Pete Rose Jrs. We have our Joe Sons, our Tiki Ghosns, our James Toneys. So in honor of the brave competitors who proved that MMA is even harder than it looks, we humbly present this “tribute” to the worst UFC fighters of all time.
A couple of notes to start: 1) We chose fighters solely based on their performances inside the Octagon. Some of these fighters achieved great things in other organizations, before or after their time in the UFC; for the purposes of this feature, we’re not really interested in that. 2) Instead of ranking one form of suckitude against another, we’ll group the 50 fighters into sections and arrange them chronologically. Use the links below to navigate, and if we omitted anybody notable, please let us know in the comments section.
Every great sport has been built on the backs of men who absolutely sucked at it — athletes whose hapless failures made the champions’ triumphs look even more outstanding by comparison. Baseball has its Mario Mendozas, its Bob Kammeyers, its Pete Rose Jrs. We have our Joe Sons, our Tiki Ghosns, our James Toneys. So in honor of the brave competitors who proved that MMA is even harder than it looks, we humbly present this “tribute” to the worst UFC fighters of all time.
A couple of notes to start: 1) We chose fighters solely based on their performances inside the Octagon. Some of these fighters achieved great things in other organizations, before or after their time in the UFC; for the purposes of this feature, we’re not really interested in that. 2) Instead of ranking one form of suckitude against another, we’ll group the 50 fighters into sections and arrange them chronologically. Use the links below to navigate, and if we omitted anybody notable, please let us know in the comments section.
When “Style vs. Style” usually meant “Talented vs. Untalented.”
1. Art Jimmerson (UFC record: 0-1) Sole appearance: UFC 1, 11/12/93
Even before we really understood what the UFC was, it was clear that Art Jimmerson didn’t belong there. What was a one-gloved boxer going to accomplish in a no-holds-barred fighting competition? In the end, the glove gimmick was completely beside the point. Jimmerson wasn’t able to land a single punch with either hand before he was taken down by early franchise star Royce Gracie, and tapped out before Gracie even got a chance to sink a submission hold. These days, Art is gainfully employed as the head boxing instructor at the UFC Gym in Rosemead, California, and spends his free time calling out Kimbo Slice. Legend.
2. Fred Ettish (0-1) Sole appearance: UFC 2, 3/11/94
A kenpo karate stylist who wanted to challenge himself beyond point-fighting tournaments, Ettish sent a letter to Art Davie asking for a spot on UFC 2, and was brought on as a stand-by alternate when Ken Shamrock broke his hand before the event. But instead of letting Ettish warm up and keep focused backstage, the UFC tried to kill two birds with one stone by having Ettish wrangle fighters at the arena, Burt Watson-style. When Frank Hamaker injured his hand during his round-of-16 victory over Thaddeus Luster, shit got very real, very fast:
“I’d just brought up [Minoki] Ichihara, the guy who fought Royce in the first round. I was going downstairs to find the next fighter at the same time Rorion Gracie was coming up the stairs. He grabbed me by the arm and asked, ‘Are you ready to fight?’…I had to go find my guys in the crowd, drag them backstage, get my gear, stretch and try to get myself prepared. This all happened in about a 10-minute window, and I was headed out to the Octagon…I wasn’t able to get my mind right. I checked out psychologically.”
Johnny Rhodes destroyed him. Ettish’s front-kicks were more of an annoyance to his opponent than anything else, and by the time Rhodes knocked him to the mat and began firing strikes from above, Ettish only had the “earthquake defense” to protect him. Rhodes eventually won by way of a choke-hold that he seemed to have invented on the spot. Luckily, Ettish didn’t get discouraged. He went on to open a Pat Miletich-affiliated MMA gym, and returned to competition in 2009, scoring a first-round TKO of a guy who was half his age. See? Nice guys don’t always finish last.
3. Emmanuel Yarborough (0-1) Sole appearance: UFC 3, 9/9/94
Manny Yarborough proved that a 416-pound weight advantage was no advantage at all, especially if you have zero practical combat training outside of shoving other fat guys, and you can’t get off the floor without assistance. As soon as his opponent Keith Hackney landed a Hail Mary palm strike, Yarborough tumbled to the mat and nearly swallowed Hackney up in his massive gravitational pull. After a re-start due to Octagon gate-failure, Hackney pot-shotted Yarborough until he was able to knock the big sumo down again, then smashed Manny with blows from above until Big John McCarthy was forced to intervene. Yarborough wasn’t invited back to the UFC, though he did pick up a win via smother-submission during a Shooto fight four years later.
4. Joe Son (0-1) Sole appearance: UFC 4, 12/16/94
Maybe we’re biased, considering he’s arguably the worst person who ever competed in the UFC. When Joe Son cut his creepy UFC 4 promo in which he threatened to show us “the spirit of the Lord of Jesus Christ tonight,” nobody knew that he had participated in the horrifying kidnapping and gang-rape of a woman on Christmas Eve 1990, a crime that wouldn’t catch up to him until 2008. Once again, Keith Hackney played the role of regulator, repeatedly slugging Joe Son in the balls during their fight — perfectly legal back then, mind you — before making the “Joe Son Do” practitioner tap due to a choke.
How did a guy who never lost in the UFC make it onto this list? Well, just watch the video of Jon Hess‘s UFC 5 fight against Andy Anderson, and it’ll start to make a lot of sense. A co-founder of SAFTA — that’s Scientific Aggressive Fighting Technology of America, noob — Hess decided to pursue MMA after watching UFC 4 and concluding that he could beat Royce Gracie “very easily.” But once he got in the Octagon and started flailing around like a spaz, it wasn’t clear that he’d ever studied a real martial art. And despite his size advantage against Anderson, Hess resorted to blatant eye-gouging twice in order to get out of trouble.
In short, Hess was completely unathletic, would have been destroyed by any fighter his own size, and was most likely a total asshole to begin with. The UFC reportedly fined him $2,000 for his fouls and never allowed him back. In his second (and final) MMA fight the following year, Hess was invited to face Vitor Belfort at a SuperBrawl event on four days’ notice, and by the power of Christ, Belfort set the karmic balance back in order.
6. John Matua (0-1) Sole appearance: UFC 6, 7/14/95
And now, the internal monologue of everybody who watched UFC 6 live: “Damn, John Matua looks like a beast. Did Michael Buffer just say he studies the ‘brutal Hawaiian art of bone-breaking?’ Yeesh…R.I.P., random biker guy. It’s kind of weird that I’ve been subscribing to Black Belt magazine for the last three years and yet I’ve never heard of Kuialua; I’ll have to ask my sensei about ways to defend against it. Okay, they’re fighting, and HOLY CRAP, TANK IS BEATING HIS ASS! BONE-BREAKING HAS BEEN EXPOSED AS USELESS IN A NO-HOLDS-BARRED SCENARIO! PIT-FIGHTING IS THE FUTURE! Oh man, is Matua dead? He’s definitely dead. Wow. Best $14.99 I’ve ever spent. [puts on Everclear CD]” See also:Thomas Ramirez
7. Paul Herrera (0-1) Sole appearance: UFC 8, 2/16/96
8. Moti Horenstein (0-2) First appearance: UFC 10, 7/12/96 Final appearance: UFC 14, 7/27/97
With a background in karate, kickboxing, and krav maga, Israeli striker Moti Horenstein wasn’t looking to roll around the mat with anybody. His game-plan in the cage was to unleash the kind of vicious kicks that would later score him a Guinness World Record in baseball-bat breaking. (Yes, there is such a thing.) Unfortunately, Moti’s luck in drawing opponents was cosmically, hilariously bad. Horenstein debuted in the quarterfinals of UFC 10′s open-weight tournament against former NCAA Division I wrestling champion Mark Coleman, who swiftly took him down and unleashed his trademark ground-and-pound until Horenstein tapped from strikes at the 2:43 mark.
Horenstein gave it another shot the following year, entering UFC 14′s four-man heavyweight tournament. And who was his opponent this time? None other than former NCAA Division I wrestling champion Mark Kerr, who was simply a larger, younger, and more savage version of Mark Colemon. Bleacher Report aptly described the match as ”the worst case of a Jew being led to slaughter since Jesus.” Horenstein got TKO’d in 2:22 and thankfully never showed up in the UFC again.
9. Reza Nasri (0-1) Sole appearance: UFC 11, 9/20/96
The UFC’s pre-Zuffa era featured two short-lived Iranian prospects — Tae Kwon Do stylist Saeed Hosseini, who competed at UFC 13, and Reza Nasri, who preceded him by three events. (Coincidentally, both fighters were matched up against juiced-up Americans wearing form-fitting Stars ‘n’ Stripes briefs, which made it clear who the fans were supposed to root for.) But while Hosseini put in a valiant effort before being TKO’d by Jack Nilsson, Nasri didn’t do anything for the budding reputation of Iranian MMA, getting beat down by Brian Johnston in under 30 seconds.
Nasri entered the Octagon with a Greco-Roman wrestling background, but it wasn’t clear if he’d done any striking training before joining the eight-man tournament at UFC 11, and he certainly hadn’t taken any jiu-jitsu lessons — you can tell that by the way he completely stopped fighting after Johnston put him on his back. Perhaps Nasri was waiting for the ref to award Johnston three points and stand them back up. Instead, Johnston unleashed a torrent of head-butts (still technically legal in those days) and punches that ended the Iranian’s UFC career as quickly as it began. Now, if Johnston had only come at Nasri with a knife in slow-motion, who knows what would have happened?
10. Tony Halme (0-1) Sole appearance: UFC 13, 5/30/97
Unlike the inept first-timers in this section, Tony Halme already had a proven history of failure in MMA by the time he made it to the UFC, racking up an 0-3 record for Japan’s RINGS promotion. A former professional wrestler who had competed in the WWF under the name Ludvig Borga, the hulking, tatted-up Finn certainly looked like your stereotypical cage-fighter/Aryan prison-gang leader. But against a top-shelf wrestler like Randy Couture, he was roadkill.
Halme met the Natural in the semi-finals of UFC 13′s four-man heavyweight tournament — which happened to be Couture’s MMA debut — and opened the bout by running directly into a double-leg takedown. Couture easily placed the 300-pounder on the mat, transitioned to Halme’s back, then finished him with a choke, all in just 56 seconds. It was the last attempt at MMA for Halme, who went on to win a seat in Finland’s parliament for the ultra-right-wing True Finns party, before spiraling into drug-and-alcohol-fueled insanity, and killing himself in January 2010. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer person.
11. Greg “Ranger” Stott (0-1) Sole appearance: UFC 15, 10/17/97
His entire MMA career lasted only 17 seconds, but it taught us so much. For one thing, being 240 pounds doesn’t necessarily make you a heavyweight — sometimes it just means you need to reduce your carb intake. Also, the Octagon is no place to test out new martial arts systems that you made up in your garage. So it went with Greg Stott, an Army Ranger who debuted his own Ranger Intensive Program (“RIP rules, and all other styles rest in peace“) at UFC 15 against the nightmare-inducing Mark Kerr, a true heavyweight in every sense of the word. After Stott tossed out a few awful-looking jabs to demonstrate how unqualified he was, Kerr clinched up and launched an Overeem-esque knee straight up the middle, putting Stott’s lights out. The Mississippi fans booed the quick stoppage, angry that Kerr didn’t literally beat Stott to death. Indeed, it was a crowd that desired bloodshed above all else.
12. Yoji Anjo (0-3) First appearance: UFC Ultimate Japan 1, 12/21/97 Final appearance: UFC 29, 12/16/00
The four-man heavyweight tournament at Ultimate Japan 1 featured two Japanese professional wrestlers, who entered as a publicity stunt for their Kingdom Pro Wrestling league. One of them was Kazushi Sakuraba, a last-minute injury replacement who managed to win the tournament and went on to become an MMA megastar in Japan. The other was Yoji Anjo, whose fight career couldn’t have turned out more differently. After losing a 15-minute decision to American fan-favorite Tank Abbott, Anjo was booked on two subsequent Japanese UFC cards, for no other reason than his nationality. In a pair of mismatches against middleweight up-and-comers, Anjo was choked out by Murilo Bustamante at UFC 25: Ultimate Japan 3 and TKO’d by Matt Lindland at UFC 29. Yoji Anjo retired from MMA competition with an overall record of 0-5-1. The fact that he was also responsible for the most epically failed dojo-storming attempt in martial arts history is a tale for another day. See also:Daiju Takase
13. Chris Condo (0-1) Sole appearance: UFC 20, 5/7/99
I’m going to be honest with you — I don’t know a damn thing about Chris Condo. I don’t know where he came from, and I don’t know what became of him after his brief stint in the UFC. Maybe he was simply a spectator who was asked to replace a fighter who had dropped out at the last minute. Your guess is as good as mine. What I see in the screen-cap above is a heavy-set “grappler” whose dopey, innocent expression is reminiscent of Private Pyle from Full Metal Jacket. When Condo faced Ron Waterman at UFC 20, he was, to quote that movie, in a world of shit; Waterman TKO’d him in just 28 seconds. I remember watching the fight online a while back, and I remember that it was ugly, but the video has disappeared from the Internet. Chris Condo never fought again. His life remains a mystery.
After four successful boxing bouts that seen Kevin Ferguson, also known as Kimbo Slice, knocking out all but one of his opponents, the former mixed martial artist picked up his fifth victory inside the squared circle over the weekend in …
After four successful boxing bouts that seen Kevin Ferguson, also known as Kimbo Slice, knocking out all but one of his opponents, the former mixed martial artist picked up his fifth victory inside the squared circle over the weekend in just 36 seconds
His opponent, Jesse Porter, only held a 3-4 professional record and lasted long enough to be knocked out with a right hand moments into the bout. Overall, Ferguson’s five opponents’ combined record equals five wins and nine losses.
It was his second bout since turning 38 earlier this year, and while his age may have already caught up to him in some ways, he is still staying active in a combat sport and showcasing the KO power that helped him make it into the UFC in 2009.
Ferguson left Mixed Martial Arts with a 4-2 record, having fought in EliteXC, The Ultimate Fighter and twice in the UFC. He went 1-1 in the promotion before being dropped after his loss to Matt Mitrione at UFC 113. His wins include those over Houston Alexander, James Thompson and Tank Abbott.
It has been over two years since Slice was seen fighting in MMA, but he did take quite an amount of publicity with him into the boxing world.
He knocked out James Wade in the first round of his debut bout last year and also had a come-from-behind knockout win in a fight he was losing against Brian Green in March. His other boxing wins are those against Charles Hackmann and Tay Bledsoe.
It’s hard to say where he is going with his boxing career, but don’t count on his opponents getting any better than this for a while.
Speaking of things that happened last night that were laughably predictable, Kimbo Slice is still earning his bread as a professional boxer. Well, perhaps “earning” is the wrong word. Earning implies that he is making it by winning competitive matches against reasonably credible opponents. Really, $kala is just giving Kimbo his bread at this point. Or, if you’re cheesy enough to go there, Shaw is just feeding the guy.
Speaking of things that happened last night that were laughably predictable, Kimbo Slice is still earning his bread as a professional boxer. Well, perhaps “earning” is the wrong word. Earning implies that he is making it by winning competitive matches against reasonably credible opponents. Really, $kala is just giving Kimbo his bread at this point. Or, if you’re cheesy enough to go there, Shaw is just feeding the guy.
His opponent last night was a Lamar, Arkansas pugilist named Jesse Porter*, who entered the bout with a 3-4 professional boxing record. Porter had never gone the distance in his boxing career, with all seven fights ending by knockout. Furthermore, he was coming off of a knockout loss to Lee Bagan forty two seconds into the second round of their bout, which marked the longest that Porter had lasted in a fight he lost.
Kimbo Slice is now 5-0 as a professional boxer, while Jesse Porter gets to drift back into obscurity where he belongs. But look on the bright side: It was a quick fight that delivered a knockout, and both fighters got paid more for this bout than I got paid to mock it. There’s (something resembling) dignity in knowing that.
* There’s actually some confusion as to who the hapless can was. A lot of sites are reporting that 1-0 boxer Richard Dawson was his opponent last night instead of Jesse Porter. AllTheBestFights.com’s review of the bout sums up the confusion with the unintentionally hilarious ”at the moment we don’t know exactly who is his opponent”. In a way, that’s probably for the best.
Being an MMA fan ain’t easy sometimes. Hyped-up fights turn out to be snorefests, scandals damage the sport’s legitimacy, incredible parlay bets get wrecked by incompetent judging, forcing us to explain to our kids once again that Santa Claus most have lost our address this year. On today’s CagePotato Roundtable, we’re discussing the fights and moments that made us want to give up on MMA entirely and follow [*shudder*] baseball for a while. Let us know your own lowest fan-moment in the comments section, and if you have a topic for a future Roundtable column, send it it to [email protected].
It’s crazy how life goes full circle: When I was ten years old, Doug Flutie was my favorite NFL player. I begged my dad to buy me Flutie Flakes for breakfast, so that I too could grow up and be a successful, albeit undersized quarterback for a small market football team. My dad refused, which explains why I’m now a writer (You’re welcome, Andrew Luck). After all, I was too young to remember the real Doug Flutie, the Heisman Trophy winning Boston College quarterback who helped make the USFL somewhat relevant. Flutie may have still been a talented quarterback — especially for his age — but he had clearly lost a step by the time I started watching football.
Thirteen years later I was on the phone with my dad, talking about one of the most lopsided fights he had ever seen. I spent the entire conversation trying to convince him that the small, pudgy guy he just watched get destroyed by a no-name oddity was at one point the most dangerous fighter on the planet. As you may have guessed, I’m specifically referring to Fedor Emelianenko vs. Antonio Silva. But really, Fedor’s entire Strikeforce run can be summed up the exact same way. Perhaps Fedor was too old, perhaps the heavyweight division had simply caught up to him, or perhaps it was a combination of the two. But one thing is clear: By the time that Fedor made his way to Strikeforce, he was no longer the untouchable fighter that he had once been.
Even in his lone victory, a second round knockout against Brett Rogers, he was arguably losing the fight before connecting with the fight ending right hand. And Brett Rogers is no Apollo Creed; he’s barely a pimple on the ass of Vodka Drunkenski. He’s a gatekeeper in every sense of the word — just legitimate enough for EliteXC to have kept him away from a “prime” Kimbo Slice, but not legitimate enough to pose any threat of beating a true contender. We had all the warning signs that Fedor was going to be a bust signing after this fight, yet we chose to ignore them because hey, he won, right?
Being an MMA fan ain’t easy sometimes. Hyped-up fights turn out to be snorefests, scandals damage the sport’s legitimacy, incredible parlay bets get wrecked by incompetent judging, forcing us to explain to our kids once again that Santa Claus most have lost our address this year. On today’s CagePotato Roundtable, we’re discussing the fights and moments that made us want to give up on MMA entirely and follow [*shudder*] baseball for a while. Let us know your own lowest fan-moment in the comments section, and if you have a topic for a future Roundtable column, send it it to [email protected].
It’s crazy how life goes full circle: When I was ten years old, Doug Flutie was my favorite NFL player. I begged my dad to buy me Flutie Flakes for breakfast, so that I too could grow up and be a successful, albeit undersized quarterback for a small market football team. My dad refused, which explains why I’m now a writer (You’re welcome, Andrew Luck). After all, I was too young to remember the real Doug Flutie, the Heisman Trophy winning Boston College quarterback who helped make the USFL somewhat relevant. Flutie may have still been a talented quarterback — especially for his age — but he had clearly lost a step by the time I started watching football.
Thirteen years later I was on the phone with my dad, talking about one of the most lopsided fights he had ever seen. I spent the entire conversation trying to convince him that the small, pudgy guy he just watched get destroyed by a no-name oddity was at one point the most dangerous fighter on the planet. As you may have guessed, I’m specifically referring to Fedor Emelianenko vs. Antonio Silva. But really, Fedor’s entire Strikeforce run can be summed up the exact same way. Perhaps Fedor was too old, perhaps the heavyweight division had simply caught up to him, or perhaps it was a combination of the two. But one thing is clear: By the time that Fedor made his way to Strikeforce, he was no longer the untouchable fighter that he had once been.
Even in his lone victory, a second round knockout against Brett Rogers, he was arguably losing the fight before connecting with the fight ending right hand. And Brett Rogers is no Apollo Creed; he’s barely a pimple on the ass of Vodka Drunkenski. He’s a gatekeeper in every sense of the word — just legitimate enough for EliteXC to have kept him away from a “prime” Kimbo Slice, but not legitimate enough to pose any threat of beating a true contender. We had all the warning signs that Fedor was going to be a bust signing after this fight, yet we chose to ignore them because hey, he won, right?
If we chose to ignore the warning signs in his victory, then we refused to acknowledge that they even existed when he lost. His loss to Werdum? Don’t go saying Werdum managed to bait Fedor and submit him, like we knew he would if he had any chance of winning. Fedor just got caught, and that happens to everyone. His aforementioned loss to Antonio Silva? Whatever, we all know that Bigfoot Silva is too big and strong to lose. It’s funny how quickly the Fedor fans would resort to that justification, while simultaneously praising Fedor for his victories over foes even larger than Silva, such as Hong Man Choi, Semmy Schilt, Zuluzinho…you get the idea. By the time Fedor had woken up from the beating that the much smaller Dan Henderson gave him, the myth that Fedor would ever be untouchable again had been debunked. Sure, some of us were still crying “EARLY STOPPAGE!”; just like some children will insist that their dead goldfish moved before their parents flush it down the toilet.
Interestingly enough, Doug Flutie’s NFL career ended with Flutie successfully dropkicking an extra point — the only successful dropkick in the NFL since the 1941 NFL championship game. It’s not exactly winning the Super Bowl, but it’s the best possible way for the guy to have gone out. Likewise, Fedor has won two straight fights since being released, and will more than likely make it three against Pedro Rizzo on June 21. Is it the most glamorous way for him to finish out his career? Don’t be stupid. But it’s far less painful than watching him lose, which is all I ask for after his time spent in Strikeforce.
I’ve been to many live MMA events over the years, but few are as memorable as those early UFC’s in Louisiana. Most of the people in attendance were there to scream racial epithets at Tsuyoshi Kohsaka — nice place to hang your hat, Seth — so the few ‘real’ fans present had no trouble approaching fighters to shoot the shit after the fights. It was a golden time, but that doesn’t mean there weren’t any uncomfortable moments.
A former UFC champion several times over, Dan Severn was tapped for main event action at UFC 27: Ultimate Bad Boyz. Though he’d been incredibly active during his hiatus from the UFC, the sport had evolved exponentially in the three-plus years since “The Beast” had last stepped foot in the Octagon, and young guns like opponent Pedro Rizzo seemed cut from a different cloth. What followed the opening bell was my lowest moment as an MMA fan.
At forty-two years of age, Severn was clearly near the end of his run as a pro fighter, and he looked dangerously slow and timid against “The Rock.” Straight away Severn shot in, but his once-formidable takedown was thwarted when Rizzo simply stepped aside and gave him a little toss, sending the elder statesman careening to the floor like a chubby chick in an grape-stomping contest. From that moment on there was a sickening feeling in the air that an old man was going to get very hurt. It wasn’t how slowly Severn reacted to a grazing head kick that was concerning, it was that he never reacted. Moments later, a hard inside leg kick chopped Severn down on all fours, but he was quickly back to his feet. Another kick to the same spot caused immediate injury to Dan’s well-braced knee, forcing him to verbally submit while clutching his knee in agony, Peter Griffin-style.
As this was the final bout, everyone sat in their chairs for a moment, thankful that the bout ended so quickly yet disgusted that it had ever been booked in the first place. It was a depressing capper to the evening, and it made me question if there was anything sporting whatsoever about what I’d just watched. I felt ashamed to have been connected to the sport at that moment…then a few weeks later I found out that Randy Couture was coming back to the UFC, and I forgot all about poor Dan’s knee.
At least the UFC learned a valuable lesson: never sacrifice an aging champion to prove how far the sport has evolved.
I would love to give you a history lesson on how the Thai people stole their entire combat style from the Cambodian people but I’ll save that for another day. Today I’ll be honest and forthcoming with you. I’ve been a long time fan of MMA and perhaps really fell deeply in love with the sport because of a group of guys on a reality show called Tapout. However on March 11th, 2009, the entire MMA world was forced to swallow a tough pill in that Charles “Mask” Lewis had died in a horrific automobile accident involving himself, his female passenger, and a drunk driver.
Tapout was founded by Charles and Dan “Punkass” Caldwell, and it stood for something at one time. The industry-leading clothing brand went from $30,000 in sales in 1999 to around $200 million ten years later — sponsoring notable fighters such as Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone, Dan Lauzon, Pat Curran and many, many others along the way — and after Mask’s tragic death, I knew it was only a matter of time until his creation was sold. Lo and behold, on September 7th, 2010, barely a year after the death of one of their own, Tapout sold out to Authentic Brands Group in a major apparel merger. (Authentic Apparel would also purchase Silver Star Casting and MMA Apparel.) It might have been the obvious business move, the smart move, just not the one I think Mask would have made.
On August 11th, 2011, Tapout’s new parent company went after Tapout Cancer LLC, a non profit company which raises awareness and money through Brazilian Jujitsu. Surely now Tapout could go no lower, the brand that had once stood for greatness and the little guy trying to make a difference. Now they were attacking charity organizations for trademark infringement? Seriously? I don’t really know how you make steps to clean that much mud of your name but it seems they’re giving it their all because as reported earlier this month by MMAPayout, Tapout will donate a percentage of limited edition t-shirts to the Daniel James Miller Foundation.
That in my opinion is great news but only a small step in a very long road they have to recovery in the eyes of MMA fans everywhere.
Gentlemen, I have seen some dark things in my brief time on this earth. Tribal warfare, nuclear fallout victims, genetically mutated animal corpses, Cannibal Holocaust, Antichrist (twice), A Serbian Film, and a cult-led massacre that I may or may not have been a participant in. Fun fact: I was once at a 4th of July party where a man, tripping his balls off on mescaline mind you, proceeded to drag a deer carcass off the road and feast on it like it was the breakfast buffet at the local Holiday Inn. But none of those things come within eyeshot of the emotional trauma I suffered when I watched Mirko Cro Cop get Mirko Cro Copped by Gabriel Gonzaga at UFC 70: Nations Collide.
Let me set the scene for you: I was at a friend’s house, watching the fight on the big screen TV that I both worshiped and secretly hated my friend’s family for having the means to afford. Joining us was my friend’s father — an ex-member of the East Coast Mafia, my friend’s mom — a smoking-hot dog trainer, and their jackass brother-in-law — a MMA novice who was as dopey as he was clueless. The fight began alright enough, with Filipovic landing a solid body kick before getting taken down and spending a couple of minutes on his back. Not great, but I knew that Cro Cop was simply biding his time, waiting for the opportune moment to strike.
And then it happened.
As if God was playing some sick joke on me and me alone, Cro Cop was served fifty pounds (the approximate weight of one of “Napao’s legs” according to Wii Fit) of irony that I’m pretty sure gave me AIDS right then and there. The only reason I can’t confirm this is because I refuse to get tested, wear condoms, or give the prostitutes I have on call my actual name. Ignorance is truly bliss. Anyway, I have never witnessed a fight, aside from Silva/Leites perhaps, that left me with such a heavy sense of hopelessness and dread.
Cro Cop was and always will be a hero of mine; how can anyone state otherwise? His Wikipedia page reads like a Duke Nukem game synopsis and the highlights of Abraham Lincoln’s biography (specifically the passages involving vampire hunting) were mixed in a blender, set on fire, then thrown out of an airplane into a tornado that had just passed through an axe factory. And to see a legend like Mirko fall in such devastating, not to mention (because I already mentioned it) ironic fashion, just made me want to give up on this whole “normal” existence and fall back on the tragic, less refined ways of my past. But I can’t go back to that…not this time. I can’t…go…back…
Josh Hutchinson
The morning of July 22nd, 2009, I awoke to feelings of desperation, anger, depression, and at least 100 other emotions that words would never do justice to. I was very much looking forward to watching a great night of live fights sponsored by Affliction. Instead, like some kind of evil Santa, Josh Barnett rose from whatever circle of hell I’m sure he commands to snatch away the present we were receiving in Affliction: Trilogy.
If there are two things in this world that I love, they are my Thursday night Russian roulette tournaments with the local homeless, and live fights. Josh Barnett fucked up at least one of those for me. Naysayers be dammed, because in case you forgot, Affliction carried names like Fedor Emelianenko, Tim Sylvia, Andrei Arlovski, Ben Rothwell, Josh Barnett, Pedro Rizzo, Renato Sobral, Matt Lindland, Mark Hominick, Antonio Rogerio Nogueira, Vitor Belfort, (at least five of those names are still relevant) and many others. Hell, they even got Megadeth to perform, for some reason.
I still personally hold the belief that if Affliction: Trilogy had come to fruition; we would be staring down the barrel of two established promotions, competing with each other. That of course would mean a competing talent pool, exciting fights damn near every weekend, and none of the “my way or the highway” mind set the UFC has undertaken (ask Miguel Torres). That being said, I personally hold Josh Barnett responsible for all things bad in my life (as if I have much going on besides MMA). Therefore Nation, the next time that anything remotely bad happens to you — be it stubbing your toe, not being able to pay the rent on time, or your tool shed/meth lab blowing up *sigh*…again — I not only encourage you, but personally insist that you blame it entirely on Josh Barnett.
When you mix a bottle of Makers Mark, the internet and some free time alone there are only 2 possible destinations — Porno or YouTube — and after you finished with the former, you eventually arrive at the latter. Around 2004 or so, YouTube introduced many of us to the street fights of Kevin “Kimbo Slice” Ferguson and they were a sight to behold.
I actually felt like I was doing something illegal by even watching them because of the sheer brutality and the fact that the fights were taking place in a random backyard or parking lot. Being an MMA fan since the early days, I knew that he would only have a “puncher’s chance” if he ever found his way to the cage but that didn’t change the fact that he was intimidating. Kimbo was a scary dude and seemingly shared the same identity as Jules Winnfield’s wallet.
Fast forward several years and the sport of MMA was thriving while spawning stars like Chuck Liddell, Georges St. Pierre, and Anderson Silva. It was inevitable that MMA was going to be broadcast live on network TV. The growth of the sport combined with the athleticism and charisma of the competitors had escalated MMA to damn-near mainstream status. It was a natural progression and I knew it was coming. I just didn’t think that the very first prime-time network television MMA main event that everybody across America was going to be exposed to would feature none other than Kevin “Kimbo Slice” Ferguson. Back on May 31, 2008, every Tom, Dick & Harry who had little to no interest in “our” sport tuned into EliteXC and CBS touting Kimbo as the MMA flag-bearer. I wanted to puke.
Ratings peaked at 6.51 million viewers during the Kimbo VS James Thompson fight and to say the bout was a technical masterpiece would be like saying Attack of the Killer Tomatoes was Oscar worthy.
The fight was a brawl but to classify it as MMA and force-feed it to the masses of ill informed mouth-breathers was negligent in my opinion. The CBS suits got their ratings and didn’t care that the evolution of the sport was being hindered.
Though Kimbo and CBS did bring new eyeballs to the sport, ultimately the experiment failed for all involved. Kimbo was exposed as being what most of “us” already knew. CBS lost the demographic they craved when EliteXC went belly-up shortly thereafter and the public perception of MMA was damaged a little bit more.
As with anything featuring Kimbo Slice nowadays, the video of his “suspicious” fourth round KO of Brian Green last weekend has blown up thanks to a mix of controversy and street certified swagger (but mainly controversy), receiving over one million hits in just a few days (that’s good, right?). As many of you noticed when we originally reported on the fight, Slice’s last second knockout seemed a little too convenient to stomach. The punch didn’t seem to have much behind it, and Green’s reaction seemed like it was a poor bit of acting. Like Nicolas Cage in The Wicker Man remake poor.
When it comes down to it, no one but those involved can truly know whether the fight was fixed or not, but we all know the Internet has never needed a shred of evidence to start lobbing accusations at a public figure. For nearly five days, Green has had to endure the relentless mockery of keyboard warriors nationwide, and anyone from Dana White to well, myself, can attest to the lengths that a pissed off troll with a computer in his hands will go.
Brian Green, however, has enough of this shit. According to him, everyone just needs to step the hell back, because he ain’t no flopper. Matter of fact, Green says, if everyone wants validation, a rematch will certainly satisfy the naysayers.
We could be wrong, but it appears that Green, fueled by his own mix of disdain and Jagermeister, typed the following message for the entire world (ie. Facebook) to see at some point Wednesday night:
As with anything featuring Kimbo Slice nowadays, the video of his “suspicious” fourth round KO of Brian Green last weekend has blown up thanks to a mix of controversy and street certified swagger (but mainly controversy), receiving over one million hits in just a few days (that’s good, right?). As many of you noticed when we originally reported on the fight, Slice’s last second knockout seemed a little too convenient to stomach. The punch didn’t seem to have much behind it, and Green’s reaction seemed like it was a poor bit of acting. Like Nicolas Cage in The Wicker Man remake poor.
When it comes down to it, no one but those involved can truly know whether the fight was fixed or not, but we all know the Internet has never needed a shred of evidence to start lobbing accusations at a public figure. For nearly five days, Green has had to endure the relentless mockery of keyboard warriors nationwide, and anyone from Dana White to well, myself, can attest to the lengths that a pissed off troll with a computer in his hands will go.
Brian Green, however, has enough of this shit. According to him, everyone just needs to step the hell back, because he ain’t no flopper. Matter of fact, Green says, if everyone wants validation, a rematch will certainly satisfy the naysayers.
We could be wrong, but it appears that Green, fueled by his own mix of disdain and Jagermeister, typed the following message for the entire world (ie. Facebook) to see at some point Wednesday night:
Finally the cloudiness of a KO Saturday night is wearing off mostly…. Still got a BROKEN ORBITAL BONE (even though I was supposedly taking a dive the whole fight and Kimbo wasn’t REALLY fighting me apparently until the very last combination which he lands 3 consecutive punches ON THE BUTTON which turned out my lights)
Well, I took this biggest opportunity I ever have been given, and gave it my all. In the end, Kimbo Slice Placed 3 consecutive punches together and all three connected clean. AFTER I was winning on all 3 judges score cards..
I put everything on the line with this fight, to have thousands of people hating on me claiming I took a dive. smh. I can not believe this, and it really makes me sick.
700,000 Youtube views of people watching ONLY THE LAST ROUND (after I was gassed in the second round) where I got KO’d and 80% of them claiming I took a dive with ONLY THREE SECONDS LEFT!!!!
…. THREE SECONDS LEFT…. Who does that? seriously. . . Now I have a 60 day medical suspension and can not fight the last person who beat me in an MMA Fight 8 fights ago which leaves that promoter in a bad position Which I am sorry for. (A re match I have also been BEGGING for, for an entire year now) And I will be missing out on an opportunity to make the most money I EVER have in my hometown with all of my recent success of 7 consecutive Wins. (Sponsors backing me up, Selling more tickets than I EVER HAVE at home, my biggest purse yet to date with the organization, and lastly, the REVENGE of beating the guy who beat me at home..
I KNEW I HAD TO make it to a decision, so I only got a 7 day suspension, and i could fight my upcoming fight April 13, (20 days after Kimbo)
I took the fight against Kimbo, because I truly don’t feel he is a legit pro fighter…. He is a savage brawler, and also BACK IN HIS DAY, was very very dangerous…. Now he is old, and I knew I could last a decision… No way did I think I could actually WIN IT. Then at the end of the first round, I felt myself avoiding his bombs, and finding a home for my punches.
THEN I also thought that he would REALLY be out of shape, because his original opponent had backed out and they hadn’t found a replacement yet, so I figured he hadn’t been training THAT hard.
Avoid the BIG punches, and last a DECISION= Make a HUGE name for yourself, especially for me being a submission guy! You can see how hard he was throwing in the first round when he was fresh, and that he was trying to take my head off…. I think I got in his head at the weigh ins getting in his face, and telling him “I aint scared” and repeating that in the ring at fight TIME!
I ate a couple good punches early, and felt him getting tired. after landing good shots on him, I eventually started telling him “You wasn’t expecting THIS was you?!?!” Trying even more to get in his head, and make him doubt himself, and feel threatened.
I WISH i would have got paid extra for all this CRAP I am receiving…
And thanks to those of you who take the time to congratulate me. Those who KNOW I would NEVER take a dive in ANY fight.
I ALMOST beat that Monster. Think I BS’d? BOOK THE FIGHT AGAIN. with an actual CAMP to prepare for him…. Even on only 2 weeks notice. I will SMOKE that fool. PEACE
Seems legit, right? You ignorant sluts.
If you were a member of Little Orphan Annie’s Secret Society, therefore receiving the illustrious decoder pin, then you would know that by simply scanning over the CAPITALIZED WORDS, you would find Brian’s true message:
I KNEW I HAD TO TIME A HUGE KO ON THE BUTTON IN THE LAST ROUND. ONLY THREE SECONDS LEFT OR I WIN DECISION AND HIS CAMP SMOKE ME. NEVER BOOK THIS AGAIN. I CRAP HUGE BS. PEACE.
We’ve managed to track down the first three rounds of the Kimbo/Green match, thanks in no small part to our buddies over at Fightlinker. Check ‘em out and let us know what you think. Mainly: FIX or NO FIX.
Which I am sorry for. (A re match I have also been BEGGING for, for an entire year now) And I will be missing out on an opportunity to make the most money I EVER have in my hometown with all of my recent success of 7 consecutive Wins. (Sponsors backing me up, Selling more tickets than I EVER HAVE at home, my biggest purse yet to date with the organization, and lastly, the REVENGE of beating the guy who beat me at home..
