(Mitrione refused to undergo VADA drug-testing. Nelson refused to shampoo the crabs out of his beard. / Photo courtesy of CombatLifestyle. For more photos from this set, click here.)
It doesn’t matter if you haven’t watched a single episode of The Ultimate Fighter this season. (Spoiler alert: You haven’t). Tonight’s TUF 16 Finale on FX is still one of the greatest free cards of the year, partly because there aren’t any TUF also-rans mucking it up.
Instead, we’ve got two heavyweight slugfests (Roy Nelson vs. injury fill-in Matt Mitrione and Pat Barry vs. Shane Del Rosario), a lightweight battle that will likely end up in a brutal stoppage (Melvin Guillard vs. Jamie Varner), a pair of featherweight contenders trying to bounce back from submission losses (Dustin Poirier vs. Jonathan Brookins), and a TUF 16 welterweight final featuring a man so dehumanized by his time in captivity that at this point he’s nothing more than a vessel for unspeakable acts of violence.
Taking us through the play-by-play this evening is Level 8 Liveblog Wizard Anthony Gannon, who will be updating us with main card results after the jump beginning at 9 p.m. ET. Refresh the page every few minutes for all the latest, and please, please, please, leave us some comments in the comments section.
A’ight CP Nation, let’s get this shit going. I don’t know about you, but I’m in need of some serious tusslin.’ One more crappy season of The Ultimate Fighter in the books. One more six figure contract, whateverthefuck that even means anymore. One more searing disappointment. And one more deflated hard-on by actually buying Dana White’s “This is the craziest season ever” bullshit. The show has become so excruciating it’s almost embarrassing to admit watching it, kinda like admitting you cried at the end of The Notebook, not me, but ya know, some of you bitch-asses probably did. Well, at least this season we got to see Julian Lane wig out and give us a line that quickly became more famous than he’ll ever be, “Let me bang, bro.”
Here are the preliminary results:
Tim Elliot beat Jared Papazian by unanimous decision, and by the looks of the scores it was a pretty severe beating, 30-25 (twice) and 30-26.
Mike Rio beat John Cofer by third round armbar.
Hugo Viana beat Reuben Duran by first round knockout.
TJ Waldburger beat Nick Catone by second round triangle. Thankfully I missed this cause it’s on the suck-ass FUEL channel no one gets.
Rustan Khabilov beat Vinc Pinchel by first round KO (suplex and punches). A KO suplex slam, on FUEL, mother fucker!
Johnny Bedford beat Marcos Vinicius by second round KO. Probably the best undercard ever…on FUEL.
Mike Pyle beat James Head by first round TKO. Greeaaaaaat!
Joe Rogan informs us that the Jamie Varner/Melvin Guillard fight was scratched due to Varner throwing up backstage, possibly the result of a difficult weight cut. And that’s just great cause that was the best fight on the card.
Jonathan Brookins vs Dustin Poirier is up first.
If you’ve never seen Fightville, shame on you. It’s always on On-Demand and features Dustin “I Desperately Need a New Nickname” “The Diamond” Poirier as he makes his way through the southern Louisiana MMA scene, which is an interesting local circuit to say the least. And you should feel twice as shamed if you’ve never visited that region of America. You can drive for hours without seeing a single human being, and when you finally do see that human being it may very well be some old-ass scary lady selling gumbo outside her shanty. And for $1 a bowl, no you do not get to ask what’s in it, but trust me the possum and squirrel down thar is dang tasty. Anyway, although he’s coming off a pretty brutal submission loss to the Korean Zombie, Poirier is a fighter to watch out for. He’s a nasty striker who is now at ATT to try and tighten up his grappling.
Brookins is a guy who wishes he won The Ultimate Fighter five years ago when TUF winners were coddled and given respectable billing against winnable opponents (see – Michael Bisping). Instead, Brookins is the new breed of TUF “champion,” who just two years and three fights into his UFC tenure is in danger of falling into the pit of obscurity because he’s been paired against guys like Erik Koch and Charles Oliveira. That being said, Brookins’ strength lies in his scrappiness. He likes to clinch, wrestle, make his fights ugly, and rock creepy braids. Hey, that’s just how they roll down in Fraggle Rock.
Round 1: Here we go. They trade leg kicks. Brook with a body shot. Swarms on him, busting him up. Damn, a bunch of shots, a knee, all kinds of hurt. Dustin grabs a hold of Brookins and pushes him into the cage. He seems recovered. Brookins with another big shot. Dustin with an elbow. Dustin charges in, does no damage but pushes Brookins into the cage, Brookins reverses, and they seperate. Brookins with a right, Dustin answers with a nice hook to the chops. Nice knee by Dustin. Body shot by Dustin. Uppercut by Dustin. Brookins has his chin up as usual, and Dustin clips it, rocks him, but he’s okay. Dustin lands another uppercut in the clinch, and now he’s going for a d’arce choke, and he gets the tap! That was sweet.
The official announcement is the d’arce choke at 4:15 of round 1.
Arianny and Britney are looking lovely tonight, as usual. I’d like to eat Arianny’s liver with some black-eyed peas and a nice Colt-45. For Britney, I’m thinking of the tongue with haricot verts and a fine asti spumante.
Vinc Pichel vs Rustam Khaboliv from the undercard is up next, and even though we already know the result so what, it’s a damn suplex knockout so let’s do this shit.
Round 1: Rustam shoots for a takedown, Vinc defending, but goes down eventually. Working some ground and pound from half guard. Vinc gets up, and gets LAUNCHED! He’s up again, and he gets tossed again, brutal! Rustam lauches him yet again, and commences to pound the side of Vinc’s head until the ref steps in. He was done from the suplex, the shots were just cherries on top. Awesome performance!
Thank God they showed that fight. We haven’t seen a guy get launched like that since Nate Diaz made his ill-advised move to welterweight and got bounced around by Rory McDonald.
Pat Barry and Shane del Rosario are up next.
How can you not love Pat Barry? The man is proof-positive of how far an interesting personality can take you. Sporting a 4-5 UFC record is usually not the makings of a securely employed man. However, being a kill-or-be-killed type (of nine UFC fights only one has gone to a decision) can negate a less-than-stellar record, and being a character doubles down on that. Add to that equation that beside a hard-ass leg kick, Barry is a kickboxer who doesn’t seem to be all that good at it, and we have the makings of a marketing genius here.
Del Rosario is another guy who has an impressive striking background, although he’s someone who can back that up with some cred – Rosario is actually the first American to win the WBC Muay Thai heavyweight title.
Neither of these guys is winning grappling tournaments either, although Rosario can tap a fool, at least a non-grappling fool such as Lavar Johnson, whereas Barry couldn’t despite being in side control, mount, and having Johnson in an armlock. What does that mean? This one has all the makings of a barn-burner.
Hmm, a Bellator on Spike commercial during UFC on FX, interesting. Guess bitter rivals can all get along when dollars are exchanged.
Round 1: It’s on. Shane opens hard to the body with a kick, Barry responds with a thumping leg kick. They clinch, and Shane delivers a couple knees. And a couple to the thigh up against the cage. Those don’t look fun. Shane tries for a takedown, Barry defends. Shane has Barry against the cage, knees him to the ribs again. And again. Shane fires one o the side of the head, then sends a knee to the gut. Barry finally escapes the position. Barry with a jab, then a leg kick. Shane shoots in again, Barry defending, but gets it and takes Barry’s back. He’s got a hook in, and going for the choke. He let it go, but Shane is still on Barry’s back. Now he’s going after an arm, now an omoplata. Jesus this is insane. Now he’s trying to take Barry’s back again, but falls off and ends up on the bottom. The round ends with Barry hugging Shane in side control. 10-9 Shane
Round 2: Shane opens with a jab, misses an uppercut. Barry rocks the shit out of him with a hook, then swarms in and knocks Shane the fuck out! Nice.
Damn, Barry cracked him with like five solid hooks, and when the doc tried to grab his arm, he jerked it away like, “Got awff me, son!” That was smooth.
The official decision is in, and it’s a KO at 0:26 of round 2.
Barry is teary-eyed, damn talking about the Connecticut shooting and hugging his kids. He hugs Rogan. Touching scene.
Cool, Mike “King Mullet” Pyle vs James “Sloppy” Head is up next.
And the Southern Comfort commercial with the fat dude walking down the beach could be the best thing ever.
Round 1: They touch and it’s a go. Head with a left hook, misses. Head charges in with a shot, and a few knees. Pyle delivers a knee of his own. They seperate. Pyle with a jab to the chest. Head forces the clinch, and throwing body shots. Pyle with a nasty knee, knocks Head down, then finishes him off. Very sweet, and the mullet makes it that much more badass.
Pyle thinks this win should put him into the Top 10. Not so sure about that, but three straight KOs is a nice run.
Colton Smith vs Mike “Metro” Ricci is up next.
Colton Smith is a lifelong wrestler and an Army Ranger. He will grab a leg and hold onto said leg for however long it takes to get the takedown, could be 30 seconds, could be four minutes and 59 seconds. That’s just how the dude rolls.
Mike Ricci is MMA’s first legitimate metrosexual (not that there’s anything wrong with that). He likes to shop, sip vino from the proper glass, vilify those he considers beneath him, and beat dudes up. And he absolutely despises when his friends change their hairstyles and fail to inform him. Hey, that’s just his thang.
I kinda like that Ricci doesn’t fit the typical mold. Sure, I consider him an arrogant prick too, but it’s nice to have a guy in the finals who, aside from a couple tats, doesn’t so easily fit into the sterotypical fighter package.
Damn, Colton’s old lady is fine. He’s kind of a fucked up looking dude. Pays to be a badass.
Has anyone else noticed how much Tristar guys love wearing tights? What’s up with that? Is that a Canadian thing?
Round 1: D White’s favorite ref is in charge, and it’s time to get it on. Colton ducks a high kick and shoots for a leg, Ricci defends. He’s got Ricci against the cage, working a body lock. Ricci goes down, looking to cage walk back up, and does. Colton’s got his back though, and drags him down. Ricci up, but Colton is all over him. He’s got a hook in, looking for the other. He takes Ricci down, gets the other hook in, looking for a choke. He’s softening Ricci up with head shots. They’re playing wrist control here. That’s a sucky position to be in for Ricci. Ah shit, he loses the position, and Ricci is up. Kick by Colton misses. Ricci throws a punch, Colton wraps him up again. He’s got underhooks, and takes Ricci down again. 10-9 for Colton.
Round 2: Ricci opens with a kick, but takes a nut shot. Ricci looks to the ref for help, but he aint having it, Colton attacks. Mazaghatti gives D White yet another reason to hate him. Colton takes Ricci down, working some ground and pound. Colton is trying to sneak those hooks in again. He’s got em, and going for a choke, but Ricci escapes out the back door. Colton takes his ass down again, and he’s dominating Ricci. Colton just smashed Ricci in the back of the head, has his hooks in again. He’s working that arm under the chin, but can’t get it. He’s sticking to Ricci like a glue trap, just relentless. Going for that choke again, but it looks like Ricci will survive the round. Round ends with Colton peppering Ricci’s mug with patty cake shots. 10-9 for Colton.
Round 3: Ricci with a body kick, but staying true to form, Colton takes him down, working that choke again. Ricci just cannot get anything going here, Colton is all over him, has his back, hooks in, just dominating him. Colton moves to mount, Ricci gives up his back again, working some shots to the side of Ricci’s head. Ricci should try something drastic, like an indian burn or a titty twister, shit something. Ricci tries to turn into Colton, but that aint happening. Ricci is either very good at defending chokes or Colton is very bad at applying them because he’s had Ricci’s back for the majority of the fight. Oh, Ricci reverses the position, has Colton’s back! Going for an armbar, holy shit! But no, Colton escapes, and that is a wrap. 10-9 for Colton and the clear victory.
The official decision is 30-27 (twice) and 30-26 for Colton Smith, the latest Ultimate Fighter, yada, yada, yada. Although he does get a Hog out of it, so that’s sweet. Colton pays mad respect to Ricci, to the troops, and to the good lord.
And the main event is next, Roy Nelson vs Matt Mitrione
It’s good to be a heavyweight. Not only do they generally make more money, but most of them don’t have to worry about cutting weight. Mitrione rolled out to the scales and didn’t even bother taking his jeans off, mocking the lighter weight fighters who had to starve themselves, swallow laxatives, and erase years from their lives by spending excessive time in the sauna.
Nelson took part in the clowning by willingly taking his shirt off, even though he didn’t have to, allowing his fabulous double DDs to freely flop around. And by sporting 17 pounds of lice-infested beard, yet still coming in 13 pounds under the limit.
Mitrione has moved his training camp down to the Blackzilians, even though he’s neither black nor zilian. And he rolls out to “Simple Man.” Respect!
“Big Country” rolls out to “We Will Rock You” with that fucked up beard and Pretorian gear out de ass.
Chris Lytle is in Mitrione’s corner. Let us all bow to Maximus.
Round 1: Herb Dean is the man, and it’s on. Matt opens to the body. Then a high kick, blocked by Nelson. And another. And another. Roy bull rushes him into the cage, working for a takedown. Matt reverses, and delivers a knee. Matt lands an elbow on the seperation, then lands a right hook. Oh, body kick by Matt. Roy firing back, lands a couple decent shots. They trade jabs. Nelson with a huge uppercut, and descends on Mitrione, scoring the TKO. Jesus!
It was an uppercut, then a left/right combo to knock Mitrione on his ass, then a few academic shots on the ground. Very impressive performance.
Roy Nelson with a TKO at 2:38 of the first round.
Eleven fights: only two decisions, with three submissions and six knockouts. I’d say Dana White has a pretty solid boner right about now.
That’s a wrap, later taters.
The 
