(Little known fact: War’s mother’s name is Game Machine.)
War Machine’s latest big house blog is up and according to the incarcerated fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver, pretty much everything we think we know is a lie.
The TUF 6 vet is gearing up for his final few months behind bars in county jail, and as such, has brushing up on his current events in the news. According to the beleaguered fighter, everything that he’s read lately, from Barry Bonds’ steroid trial to Bin Laden’s alleged death is carefully propagated government bullshit.
Check out the latest instalment of Deep Thoughts with War Machine after the jump.
(Little known fact: War’s mother’s name is Game Machine.)
War Machine’s latest big house blog is up and according to the incarcerated fighter formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver, pretty much everything we think we know is a lie.
The TUF 6 vet is gearing up for his final few months behind bars in county jail, and as such, has brushing up on his current events in the news. According to the beleaguered fighter, everything that he’s read lately, from Barry Bonds’ steroid trial to Bin Laden’s alleged death is carefully propagated government bullshit.
Check out the latest instalment of Deep Thoughts with War Machine below.
———-
May 2nd, 2011
A fucking BLOODY LIP is NOT “great bodily injury.” I can’t believe I plead guilty to a FELONY “battery with G.B.I.” and that now I’m a “convicted felon,” over that! EVERY guy I’ve met in here that took G.B.I. to trial, where the victim didn’t have broken bones or stitches, won! Why? Because what makes battery (misd.) a felony G.B.I. is broken bones or stitches!! I really got fucked because I was scared to go to trial and risk the possibility of multiple years IF I was found guilty. Not to mention that the DA threatened to charge my best friend also, if I went to trial. Fuck the time, I hate the fact that I’ll be on “formal probation” when I’m out. Hate the fact some loser, who FAILED at life, will be in charge of me and able to harass me. NO ONE says “I want to be a probation office when I grow up.” He wanted to be a cop, or something else prestigious, but he FAILED and is now an angry/vindictive babysitter of grown men.
ANYWAY! How about that Bonds perjury trial? How many millions did the gov. waste trying to bust him for the “awful crime” of lying about his steroid use? And failed!! LMAO! Dumb fucks! The prosecutors should be brought up on charges for wasting tax payers money! Pro athletes do steroids! 70% +! Proof? Look at a sport where a lot of the body is exposed – BASKETBALL. Look at the athletes muscular development in the 70′s and 80′s, now look at the avg. b-ball player’s muscle now, most are pretty jacked. Why?? Nevermind athletics, look at actors. Take a look at Will Smith’s body in “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” now look at him in “Legend.” How is it that as a young man, he was puny, and now, aging, he’s young in the face and ripped! How? Same goes for Stallone, LL Cool J, Brad Pitt, and the list goes on and on. Answer: “Testosterone therapy” (steroids) and growth hormones. And the shit isn’t dangerous either. The anti-steroid campaign is as bogus as the anti-marijuana campaign. Marijuana is illegal for one reason, hemp vs. cotton. Hemp is better, cotton is “old money,” and old money controls votes and politics = weed banned = hemp banned! Steroids gave Russian athletes huge advantages due to their understanding of them. During Cold War, that was no bueno! Solution = ban steroids “because they are dangerous.” Truth be told, no in-depth study EVER suggested steroids are dangerous, especially when used moderately. Proof = bodybuilders: they are not dropping dead in record #’s yet they ABUSE the hell out of steroids. Why? Not fucking dangerous! Rebuttal: What about Lyle Alzado? He died from a brain tumor, so have MILLIONS of other humans, how can you say growth hormones/steroids were the cause? Mere speculation and B.S. Yeah, but Arnold had to get bypass surgery on his heart from steroids. LMAO! How many other men have had the same procedure!? My father died at 39 from a heart attack and never used steroids. Arnold’s a joke of an example! Yeah but Chris Benoit killed his whole family cuz of “roid rage.” Really? Was he not also an alcoholic/addicted to oxycontin? But they had no influence on his behavior, it was the steroids right? B.S. Alcoholics and drug addicts commit horrible violent crime ALL THE TIME! Shit, some people do it sober! How can you blame the steroids! It’s all bullshit! ANYWAY, enough of my rage on B.S. government policy and “witch hunts.”
So… I’ve been working on some new workout concepts I read about in this book “The Naked Warrior.” I’m gonna give it a whirl for 2 weeks and if it doesn’t hurt my pull-up progress, I’ll continue. I hope it helps, I hope it isn’t another B.S. gimmick. Another new thing I have been doing is wearing my shirt as pants… lol It’s comfy! I got it from Jr. Seau’s brother, he used to do it at the other jail. You know Samoans wear lava lavas? So it’s kinda the same, a jail lava lava! When I go home I’m gonna buy some lava lavas to rock around the house!
Alright, so yesterday the U.S. SUPPOSEDLY killed Bin Laden. Interesting that they “buried him at sea” some 6 hours later… WTF!? Real interesting too that the DNA results came back positive in, what, 12 hrs.!? Even more interesting that the timing couldn’t have been better for Mr. Obama and the government… just a week ago he FINALLY released a copy of his birth certificate to the public after like 4 years of certain people’s hounding. Why out of the blue, did he choose then to FINALLY release it? And what better diversion for the people who suspect it to be falsified than the death of Bin Laden? Something stinks! I don’t doubt they got Bin Laden, but I do doubt they killed him. YET. There is no reason to have #1, taken the dead body #2, dumped it in the sea! And so soon? The U.S. has a precedent with the Husseins to NOT do this. Much more likely they kidnapped him and are now torturing him to get information/revenge. BTW, I don’t mind torture, I’m just making sense out of WHY they CLAIM, to have dumped his body in the ocean. I guarantee it didn’t happen as claimed. I also bet a million bucks the President chose last week to release his birth certificate, KNOWING the U.S. was gonna hit Bin Laden yesterday, to steal attention from the fact that it was a FAKE.
Weird shit is going on out there people, we don’t know shit! I just read a book “Forbidden Science” and WOW! Read it, you’ll be in disbelief! Fucking weather control weapons, developed in Cold War days, as well as PSY weapons, fucking NUTS! Unbelievable really, except that the U.N. mentions the acceptable and unacceptable use of said devices and it’s U.N. Treaties!! WTF!? Why don’t we know about this!? Lastly, it said that when the Soviet Union collapsed such weather machines were sold off. Mention is made of a sale to the Japanese Yakuza. After the recent disasters with Hurricane Katrina and tsunami/quake in Japan, you have to wonder? Maybe stock market trading, timed with devastating “natural disasters,” where a few know they’re gonna make big $$$? Possibilities = endless. Get the book and trip out on it like I am.
(There better be a follow-up series of blogs that follow War AFTER he’s released so we can see how disconnected from society he’s become.)
If you’ve been following the trials and tribulations of War Machine in county jail, you know that his friend on the outside who was posting his blogs let them lapse for a while and is now playing catch-up. Well, the blogs are finally up to date and unfortunately for fans of the weekly journals of one of the greatest minds of our generation, the fighter formerly known as Jon Kopenhaver only has 12 weeks remaining on his one-year sentence for assault.
Rather than post the remaining few entries verbatim, we’ve decided to print just the meat and potatoes of the blogs to get you up to date with the shenanigans WM has gotten into the past few weeks.
Check out the highlights after the jump.
(There better be a follow-up series of blogs that follow War AFTER he’s released so we can see how disconnected from society he’s become.)
If you’ve been following the trials and tribulations of War Machine in county jail, you know that his friend on the outside who was posting his blogs let them lapse for a while and is now playing catch-up. Well, the blogs are finally up to date and unfortunately for fans of the weekly journals of one of the greatest minds of our generation, the fighter formerly known as Jon Kopenhaver only has 12 weeks remaining on his one-year sentence for assault.
Rather than post the remaining few entries verbatim, we’ve decided to print just the meat and potatoes of the blogs to get you up to date with the shenanigans WM has gotten into the past few weeks.
Check out the highlights:
WEEK 37 – APRIL 2, 2011
“F-U-C-K basketball! For the past couple weeks that’s all they’ve been playing on the TV! BORING ass sport! puts me in a bad mood… ugh. Speaking of bad moods, I stubbed my toe the other day bad! It was bleeding and hurts all day! Now it’s oozing thin yellow puss! Gross, prolly got gangrene or some shit, fuckin’ toe is gonna fall off. On a positive note, I only have 3½ months left!!! =) Oh and check out this weirdness, for the last 3 or 4 days my piss has smelled just like that cologne “Safari.” … LMAO! WTF!? My dad used to wear it sometimes, I hated it… Anyway, I just thought I’d share that unexplained phenomena.”
“Anyway, solitary and the boredom that comes with it is funny. You find ANYTHING to do to take up time, even 2 minutes. As you’ve prolly seen on TV, people in jail make “fishing lines” to pass things along the tier to one another’s cells. So if I wanna borrow a magazine from a neighbor, I’ll fish my line to him and he’ll tie on the mag. so I can pull it back. If there happens to be a person in the day room and he sees me fishing it he’ll ask if I want him to just grab it for me but I’ll say no, just cuz I relish that minute distraction from the day. Another example is coffee, I hate coffee unless it’s half milk and sugar. Now, the past 3 weeks, I’m drinking it daily and I hate it! LOL! I do it just because it takes 5 minutes to heat the water and then another few mins. to drink it. I was talking to my neighbor and he said he never smoked until he went to prison and he doesn’t know why cuz he hates it. I told him, “the same reason I drink coffee, it kills a few minutes.” Then jokingly I added, “I wonder if that’s why people turn gay in prison? You know, you’re bored with nothing to do so you’re like: maybe I’ll suck my cellie’s dick… that should take 10 minutes or so??” LMAO!! Some guys in here really lose it and just talk, sing, yell, ALL DAY long. Then every other day when they get their 1 Hr. day room they act pretty normal, it’s weird. The other day though I was bored and hyper, so I started yelling dumb funny shit for like 15 mins. It was actually kinda fun… lol. Anything to entertain yourself. Hmm… What else?”
“So I’ve developed another odd habit… I’ve been pulling my nose hairs out.. lol. Guess a combo of boredom and no scissors to trim them. Some areas it hurts, some it feels kinda cool. But this hobby has a shitty downside and that’s I get frequent ingrown hairs in my nose and they hurt like no other! Makes your whole nose red like Rudolph! Every time it happens I swear I’m done, but then they grow back and, like a crack head, I’m back ripping them out! Hmmm… maybe I’m going a lil’ nuts!?”
“Oh, so the trustee that was hookin’ me up with all the bomb food vanished! I think the cops read my Twitter and changed the line-up so I don’t get hooked up anymore… sucks. I shouldn’t have said shit. Fuck! Back to dog food 3X per day! And today I got 25 pull-ups on my 1st set so my strength is back! =) I’m gonna see what I can get up to by the time I’m released. Sooo… right now there are 2 loud, crazy fucks in the hole with us. One of them is a black dude that sounds/acts whiter than White! ALL day long he sings R.E.M. songs and shit, horrible voice. And whenever someone tells him to “shut up” he says “suck my dick, suck my big 14 inch dick.” ALL DAY LONG all you hear is singing and suck my dick! Then on his hour out in the day room he comes out and acts pretty normal, it’s weird. He just comes out all quiet and will go to your cell and ask for favors and shit. He doesn’t understand that we all HATE him and that one guy is currently saving up a giant bag of shit, piss, and hair oil (to make it smear and not clean up easy), and the contents of said bag, will be coating that idiot’s cell any day now! LMAO! Can’t wait.”
WEEK 38 – April 10, 2011
“Faded and feelin’ X-rated.. lol. Later I’m gonna make a “spread.” I don’t recall if I’ve mentioned them in the past, but it’s our lil’ gourmet dish. Basically you mix: Hot Cheetos, Hot Cheez-Its, hot sauce, pork rinds, top ramen soup (drained), and these dehydrated refried beans and you put the mixture in a tortilla, it’s bomb. LOL. Funny shit is I saw a commercial for Taco Bell and saw a burrito with hot cheetos and chili cheese Fritos in it. I KNOW a fucking “convict:” invented that recipe!! LOL! Guaranteed! Other fools put Fritos or other shit in theirs but my recipe is the best, some Mexican dude taught it to me. Alright so I just did 15 minutes jump rope (pretend), 15 mins. shadow boxing, push-ups & pull-ups, 5 sets each. My pull-ups keep going up, feels good! I did: 27, 23, 18, 16, 13. That’s a lot considering how fucking weak I had gotten. Man, I’m really excited to get out and fight again! I never fully realized how much I truly LOVE the sport. Just like 13 weeks to go!! Anyway, my toe ended up not getting infected, the toe nail is beginning to reform but looks weird… I hope it doesn’t grow back all funky… I’ve always prided myself on having nice feet… lol. What else…”
“On another subject, a really odd/gay one, my neighbor and I overheard the 2 black dudes downstairs from us talking into the vent. We stumbled on to the conversation as one of them said that he had woken up with a dick in his mouth… lol. (Not here, he was recounting a story.) He then said he got up and told the dude he better put his knuckles up cuz they’re gonna fight. Then he said “the nigga knew brazilian jiu-jitsu and choked me out, when I woke up the nigga was fuckin me.” LMAO!! And dude was laughing about it?? He said the dude helped him hostage for 3 days and kept fucking him. Then he said, “the fucked up shit is that I still call the nigga.” HAHAHA!! WTF!? Shit was the funniest story to ever eavesdrop on! And these are some “gangsters.” They were talking about it like it was nothing, an every day occurrence… W-E-I-R-D. Another gay story involves this Mexican dude, he’s all gangstered out, even with tattoos on his face. When he 1st discovered that I used to do porn he asked if he could see my dick, he said he wanted to see a “real porn dick.” I told him that I wasn’t one of those porn guys with a giant dong. He kept insisting I show it to him, which is odd enough, but the look in his eyes… G-A-Y. Obviously I didn’t show it to him. After that he’d always make lil’ gay remarks, jokingly, but definitely not joking. Also, whenever I’d stop at his door to talk to him, I feel real uncomfortable like I’m being raped by his eyes… lol. I never told anyone shit but then my neighbor brought up the fact that he thinks one of the “homies” is gay. He wouldn’t tell me the name, so I blurted out the name I suspected and he’s like, “how’d you know!?” LOL… so yeah now we both crack gay jokes at him, playingly, but not. I’unno, it’s just so strange to see gangster dudes be gay… funny.”
“Anyway, that’s the deal with this Barry Bonds shit? WTF!? How irrensponsible is our government to waste millions on his perjury trial!? People perjure themselves daily on far more important criminal matters and are not charged at all! Plus everyone knows that like 70% of ALL professional athletes use or have used steroids, so fucking what!? It’s like anything else – they try to get away with it and the authorities try and catch them, cat and mouse. When they fail a drug test, they get suspended/fined and when they pass, they pass. Fucking LAME, fucking witch hunt, fucking waste of time and money. FUCK THE MEDIA.”
WEEK 39 – APRIL 17, 2011
“Here I am stuck in a tiny cell… boring! At least I’m faded. =) And I got 2 ridiculously hot whores from an American Curves magazine on my wall… lol. Jerk-off sesh tonight!! Man…”
“I guess it’s pretty common for guys to do this while in prison… They take apart a razor and cut a slice in the top of their dick (the shaft), and then they shove a marble, or some type of round object, in the wound, so that it heals and remains a lump under the skin… crazy right!? They claim it “gets chicks off easier” with a good size marble embedded in the top of their cock… I dunno about that, but I do know I’d never do ANY kind of operation, on my most valued body part, in dirty ass jail. What if you got a fucked up infection and lost all or part of your dick?? Fuck that shit!! So far, the weirdest prison tradition I’ve come across. Funny, my neighbor just asked this black dude if he liked Kool-Aid and he answered, “course I do, I’m black.” LMAO! I’unno, thought I’d share that, I found it funny.”
“Alright, I only have 3 months left, release is coming soon! I’m excited, this has been a horrible waste of time! One good thing though is now it is engrained in my brains to NEVER “go out” EVER AGAIN! I know if I follow those guidelines I will not get in more trouble. I’ve known that for a while now, but I guess I needed a fucking wake-up call. My stubborn ass always has to learn shit the hard way. Speaking of people learning the hard way, you have no idea how many guys have told me, “Ay, War Machine, if you ever need someone blasted look me up, I can handle that for the right price.” These fools don’t even know me. They just know that I’m aggressive but plan to stay outta trouble when I get out. They think I have mad cash and they can make a buck killing fools I hate. I won’t lie, of course the idea sounds lovely, but this one year in jail is enough to know I don’t want to do shit to risk coming back. I guess these guys don’t “learn” because they have nothing promising to look forward to on the “outside.” If it wasn’t for my hopes, dreams, and opportunities, I wouldn’t have “learned” either though.”
WEEK 40 – APRIL 25, 2011
“Anyway, me and a couple other guys have been waging war on these 2 loud, obnoxious assholes who love to yell and bang their door all day and night. Our weapon of choice by default, is of course shit bombs… LMAO! We have been bombing their cells twice/day for 4 days straight and since the Deps hate them too, they don’t even clean it out, they let them sit in shit for HOURS at a time. I mean these fuckers sit in shit for like 6 hrs. at a time! It ook 3 days for one of them to finally shut up! The other one is still at it! WTF!? The other day I got a purple heart though…. ugh… GROSS! I stomped on a bag of shit so that it’d shoot under the door and all over their cell, well half of it did… the other half exploded out of the wrong end and all over ME! I mean I had shit in my fucking hair, all over my pant leg, it was horrible! LMAO!”
“A lot of the [Deputies]. here are real cool man. I really like some of them. I see exchanging #’s with a few of them before I leave. Probably get a few of them to join my gym too. Before I got here, I’d always say “fuck cops, I hate cops,” but the more I’m around them, I see that most of them are just guys doing a job. It’s not their fault that the system creates B.S. laws that they have to enforce.
The problem comes from the asshole cops; they ruin it for the rest of them. Speaking of which, I discovered a new one on duty on occassion in my module who has it out for me. The real problem is that he’s a bitch, straight coward mother fucker and plays like he likes me but is just doing his job. 1st, at inspection, he hit my cell extra tough and got all my contraband, no biggy. Couple days later when I was in the shower he snuck into my cell and hit it AGAIn, which is totally out of the ordinary! He took my contraband items again! When he did his walk later (now I’m back locked down), I asked him why he did that? And asked why he doesn’t like me or whatever? He played all nice like, “at inspection you didn’t hide your stuff good enough (B.S.) and earlier, when you showered, I only entered your cell because you had something out in the open. I don’t have a problem with you, I actually like you.” LMAO! Yeah right. NOTHING was out in the open, fool just wants to fuck my day! Later that same night, a loud asshole got shit bombed and he wrote me up for it! Fact is it could have been the guy who got dayroom before me, or me, and the camera doesn’t show the top tier here. The report said he saw me do it! LIE!! Now I’m on 10 day lockdown. Since I’m already in the hole, it means no visits, phone calls, store orders and no 1 hr. dayroom every other day, just a 10 min. shower instead. Cops here don’t write you up for shit bombing the loud assholes, they don’t care. The next day the Deps asked “why are you on D.I.? Who wrote you up? What’d you do to piss him off?” NOTHING, proof, he hates me but doesn’t have the balls to just say it. Lame asshole, at least he doesn’t work our module often. I would talk shit to him, but I don’t want him fucking with my mail; throwing it away and shit before I get it.”
If you’re a regular reader here at Fix, then you know we’ve ‘waxed on’ in the past (think talking, not Karate Kid) about how Chris Leben versus Wanderlei Silva would be a pretty damn sweet fight to catch. Both dudes like to bring the thunder standing, both men have been involved in some epic wars […]
If you’re a regular reader here at Fix, then you know we’ve ‘waxed on’ in the past (think talking, not Karate Kid) about how Chris Leben versus Wanderlei Silva would be a pretty damn sweet fight to catch. Both dudes like to bring the thunder standing, both men have been involved in some epic wars over the years and when Leben asked for the fight after taking out Yoshihiro Akiyama, Wandy seemed down with it.
Well, since then, a certain Mr. Brian Stann derailed Leben’s win streak with a first round ‘how ya like me now’ stoppage at UFC 125. Despite the loss, however, “The Crippler” continues to campaign for a fight with one of the UFC’s biggest stars in “The Axe Murderer.” Why stop now right? Speaking to MMA Weekly this week, Leben’s manager Gary Ibarra informed the outlet that:
“Chris is eager to fight again after his loss to Brian Stann,” Ibarra told MMAWeekly.com. “(He) would like to reiterate his desire to compete against a legend of the sport and personal hero of his in Wanderlei Silva.”
Yes, anyone who can stomp like Mr. Silva is a hero of ours too. It looked for a while like Silva might return from his layoff against the aforementioned Stann, but the former Pride champ apparently isn’t really in to facing an “All American.” Other rumored opponents have included Vitor Belfort and Chael Sonnen (until heel #1 called out the promotion’s heel #1A), either of which would be fantastic, but you could do a lot worse than Leben vs. Silva. Stay tuned.
("Maybe if I give myself a black eye nobody will notice.")
I gotta be honest, War Machine’s blogs are starting to seem a bit halfhearted these days.
Maybe we need to get someone on the inside a la Michael Scofield to shake things up a b…
("Maybe if I give myself a black eye nobody will notice.")
I gotta be honest, War Machine’s blogs are starting to seem a bit halfhearted these days.
Maybe we need to get someone on the inside a la Michael Scofield to shake things up a bit. Do we have any unemployed members of the Potato Nation in San Diego with eight months to spare who are looking to make a few bucks?
I don’t know if I can stand to read about War’s herpes outbreaks and the number of continuous push-ups he can do for the next eight months, so we would make it worth your while.
(Ortiz and Liddell will settle their grudge once and for all on New Year’s Eve…OR WILL THEY?? / Photo courtesy of CombatLifestyle)
One of my weekly MMA must-reads is the "Sunday Morning Rumor Mill" column on MiddleEasy, which features a b…
(Ortiz and Liddell will settle their grudge once and for all on New Year’s Eve…OR WILL THEY?? / Photo courtesy of CombatLifestyle)
One of my weekly MMA must-reads is the "Sunday Morning Rumor Mill" column on MiddleEasy, which features a bunch of juicy stories that just might be true. In homage to our pals, we’d like to start a similar feature on CagePotato — except ours will work a little differently. Of the eight items you see below, seven have been pulled directly out of our asses. The other one is absolutely, positively, 100% true, and has been confirmed by inside sources. Which one is it? We’d rather not say, due to legal reasons. You’ll have to figure it out yourself…
– Vinicius Quieroz wasn’t the only fighter who was caught by the UFC’s independent drug-testing at UFC 120. There was a second guy who pissed hot for the same steroid, but the company decided to let him off with a private (but very stern) warning. Hint: Main card, but not main event.
– Arianny Celeste has been dating a former UFC fighter for the past year, but has kept the relationship hidden from the public, in order to protect the fantasy that she’s "available" to her fans. We can’t reveal her boyfriend’s name, but his initials are Tiki Ghosn.
(War and his cellmate "Dana White" pose with a fellow inmate at the prison prom.)
Time sure flies when you’re not behind bars.
Here we are already at month four of War Machine’s county jail journey.
It seems like only yesterday, he was on th…
(War and his cellmate "Dana White" pose with a fellow inmate at the prison prom.)
Time sure flies when you’re not behind bars.
Here we are already at month four of War Machine’s county jail journey.
It seems like only yesterday, he was on the outside bar brawling and tweeting about his views of the world.
Now he spends his days reading, masturbating and playing scrabble with imaginary incarnations of UFC fighters and personalities.
Without giving away too much from the latest releases from his memoirs, War’s reaction to a victim of suicide he mentions in one of his two latest blogs was a bit off, but what else can be expected from a dude who tweets Dana White that he’s imagining him in his cell just before he rubs one out?
