(What?! Every beast needs to take a cat nap every now and again.)
For reasons we will never truly understand, a lot of emphasis seems to be placed on the monikers designated to a given fighter. For guys like Randy “The Natural” Couture, the nickname often represents an extension of a their personality, or an underlying philosophy that they bring into the cage. Guys like Renato “Babalu” Sobral, on the other hand, carry perhaps the most authentic nicknames of them all; names that, although holding little to no meaning in terms of the fight game, were bestowed upon the fighter as a child and simply stuck. And then there are guys like Justin “The Nsane1” McCully, whose nicknames were most likely derived from an ill-fated, drunken AOL Instant Messenger conversation at 3 a.m. with the intent of finding something “fresh” and “intimidating” to bring to the table.
But even lower on the nickname totem pole than the Joe Lauzons and the Kendall Groves of the world are the guys whose nicknames completely clash with the public’s perception of who they truly are, their gameplan once they step into the ring, or simply their abilities as a fighter in general. So it is with that in mind that we present you with a brief rundown of the top ten fighters who are in desperate need of a name change if they want to continue to be taken seriously.
Not only does Stout have only one knockout to his credit in his 13-fight UFC career, he only has one finish in his UFC career. Granted, the KO he managed to pull off against Yves Edwards at UFC 131 was a freakin’ brilliant one, but you don’t see Chad Mendes calling himself “The Guillotine Machine” because he was able to pull it off once a couple years ago. Perhaps “Hands of Limestone” would be something a little more appropriate.
(What?! Every beast needs to take a cat nap every now and again.)
For reasons we will never truly understand, a lot of emphasis seems to be placed on the monikers designated to a given fighter. For guys like Randy “The Natural” Couture, the nickname often represents an extension of a their personality, or an underlying philosophy that they bring into the cage. Guys like Renato “Babalu” Sobral, on the other hand, carry perhaps the most authentic nicknames of them all; names that, although holding little to no meaning in terms of the fight game, were bestowed upon the fighter as a child and simply stuck. And then there are guys like Justin “The Nsane1″ McCully, whose nicknames were most likely derived from an ill-fated, drunken AOL Instant Messenger conversation at 3 a.m. with the intent of finding something “fresh” and “intimidating” to bring to the table.
But even lower on the nickname totem pole than the Joe Lauzons and the Kendall Groves of the world are the guys whose nicknames completely clash with the public’s perception of who they truly are, their gameplan once they step into the ring, or simply their abilities as a fighter in general. So it is with that in mind that we present you with a brief rundown of the top ten fighters who are in desperate need of a name change if they want to continue to be taken seriously.
Not only does Stout have only one knockout to his credit in his 13-fight UFC career, he only has one finish in his UFC career. Granted, the KO he managed to pull off against Yves Edwards at UFC 131 was a freakin’ brilliant one, but you don’t see Chad Mendes calling himself “The Guillotine Machine” because he was able to pull it off once a couple years ago. Perhaps “Hands of Limestone” would be something a little more appropriate.
When your MMA record is just a notch above .500, it might be a little pretentious to refer to yourself as “Immortal.” Not even Superman was immortal, but he could sure as hell defend a guillotine choke when forced to do so. Not that we’re knocking Brown as a fighter, because like Stout, the guy always comes to throw down on fight night, and is one intimidating SOB to boot. Plus, as Jeremy May will surely tell you, pissing off Brown is not something you want to do if you enjoy having all of your teeth in their current location.
Besides the fact that the nickname already belongs to one of the godfathers of the sport, you shouldn’t be able to call yourself a natural anything when you’ve admitted to steroid use in the past.
You haven’t held a title in ten years, and you gave yourself a nickname that was both stolen from a professional wrestler and contradicts the heel role you have built your name on for the past fifteen or so years. For shame, Tito. For shame.
Now, this technically isn’t Warren’s nickname, as it isn’t listed on his fighter profile, but Warren has referred to himself as such on several occasions, and has paid dearly in karma points as a result.
Perhaps even more surprising than the amount of viewers who caught UFC 147 from home were those who actually attended the event live. If you recall, the UFC was giving out full refunds for the event to those who had purchased tickets prior to the aforementioned injury curse (something we later found out was simply in accordance with Brazilian law), which didn’t exactly lead us to believe that the event would draw in an astounding 16,643 fans. Now there’s some dedication that should be applauded.
Although we have yet to hear back on the PPV numbers from the event (which will likely be much, much lower than any in recent memory), it is great to hear, at least for the UFC, that an event as lackluster on paper as UFC 147 was can still reel in numbers as significant as those. But could you imagine how great UFC 147 would have been given the original lineup? It would be like if David Hasselhoff and Rammstein played a joint concert at a bratwurst and beer festival in Hamburg on Pfingstmontag, for Christ’s sake. This is just one of the many reasons we need to eliminate the UN, Potato Nation.
(It took Roy 45 minutes and three chipped teeth to realize that his TUF trophy was not made of rock candy.)
This town ain’t big enough for the two of them. Literally. The town we’re referring to, of course, would be the UFC’s heavyweight division.
Let’s face it, we are currently in the era of TRT-jacked-up super Goliaths, and aside from making us common folk feel more self-conscious about our own physiques, these monsters are putting forth the idea that you have to be sculpted by the Gods themselves in order to be a successful athlete. How dare they. But there is hope, because one man has been vigorously doing the work that the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance could never even dream of doing in between trips to the buffet line. Mainly, proving that obese individuals are capable of doing more than legally stealing electrically powered wheelchairs from crippled people at the supermarket. That man is Roy “Big Country” Nelson.
Obviously fearing that fellow portly contender Mike Russow is beginning to encroach on his Burger King and Taco Bell sponsorships, as well as the “Lifetime Achievement” distinction he was set to receive at next year’s Cici’s Pizza Awards, Nelson has thrown down a good old fashioned “loser leaves town” challenge to Russow over his Twitter. The winner gets to continue eating pull pork sandwiches until they look like the gluttony victim in Seven, and the loser must drop to the land of rice cakes and milk without chocolate syrup that is the light heavyweight division.
(It took Roy 45 minutes and three chipped teeth to realize that his TUF trophy was not made of rock candy.)
This town ain’t big enough for the two of them. Literally. The town we’re referring to, of course, would be the UFC’s heavyweight division.
Let’s face it, we are currently in the era of TRT-jacked-up super Goliaths, and aside from making us common folk feel more self-conscious about our own physiques, these monsters are putting forth the idea that you have to be sculpted by the Gods themselves in order to be a successful athlete. How dare they. But there is hope, because one man has been vigorously doing the work that the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance could never even dream of doing in between trips to the buffet line. Mainly, proving that obese individuals are capable of doing more than legally stealing electrically powered wheelchairs from crippled people at the supermarket. That man is Roy “Big Country” Nelson.
Obviously fearing that fellow portly contender Mike Russow is beginning to encroach on his Burger King and Taco Bell sponsorships, as well as the “Lifetime Achievement” distinction he was set to receive at next year’s Cici’s Pizza Awards, Nelson has thrown down a good old fashioned “loser leaves town” challenge to Russow over his Twitter. The winner gets to continue eating pull pork sandwiches until they look like the gluttony victim in Seven, and the loser must drop to the land of rice cakes and milk without chocolate syrup that is the light heavyweight division.
Here’s what he wrote:
I want Mike Russow and loser goes to 205 or becomes Dana White Rich. Let make it happen @danawhite
While it may be in bad taste to call someone out immediately after they have suffered their first UFC loss (by knockout, nonetheless), there’s no denying that this is an intriguing matchup, made even more intriguing by the possible ramifications of either man losing. Being that Russow only fights part time, we’re not sure if he’d actually be able to make the cut to 205, but Nelson, on the other hand, has shown a willingness to at least consider dropping to light heavyweight if the circumstances are ridiculous enough just right.
On an unrelated sidenote, what the hell does Dana White rich mean, and how would either man become so by losing their next fight? Also, Rhode Island, neither a road nor an island. Discuss.
On the heels of a first round knockout of Dave Herman at UFC 146, the TUF 10 winner’s UFC record currently stands at a mediocre 4-3, so a win over Russow would be enough to delay his own trip to 205 for at least a couple more months. One thing standing in the way of this possible matchup, however, would be the UFC’s usual policy of placing winners against winners and losers against losers. Then again, crazier fights have been booked, so it wouldn’t be completely out of left field for them to book Nelson vs. Russow in a battle for potbellied supremacy, right?
(Dan Miragliotta explains to Guida the maximum amount of miles allowed to run in the octagon without penalty.)
After a brief hiatus, Dana White has returned with the daily dose of heartbreak that is the Danavlog to remind us all of the downsides of being a f*cking fighter. Thankfully, not all of us take the phrase as literally as Brazilians do. But the main lesson we took away from today’s episode is simple: what you don’t pay in gym fees, you will more than make up for in blood. Nick Catone, Joey Gambino, and Ross Pearson were just a few of the men to walk away from their bouts with some gruesome lacerations and another (or in Gambino’s case, a first) loss on their record. A tough day at the office indeed.
“Boring,” and “sucked” were just a couple of words that White used to describe the five round affair between Clay Guida and Gray Maynard, a sentiment that most fans seemed to agree with when all was said and done. And regardless of who you thought won that fight, you could probably understand a little bit of Gray’s frustration with the Steve Prefontainian conundrum that Guida brought to the octagon. This frustration became all the more apparent when the two met backstage, where some less than positive remarks were exchanged between the two camps. Oddly enough, it all began when Guida uncharacteristically complained about the judges decision, despite the fact that Napoleon was closer to conquering Russia than Guida ever was to finishing that fight, or even attempting to for that matter.
Video after the jump.
(Dan Miragliotta explains to Guida the maximum amount of miles allowed to run in the octagon without penalty.)
After a brief hiatus, Dana White has returned with the daily dose of heartbreak that is the Danavlog to remind us all of the downsides of being a f*cking fighter. Thankfully, not all of us take the phrase as literally as Brazilians do. But the main lesson we took away from today’s episode is simple: what you don’t pay in gym fees, you will more than make up for in blood. Nick Catone, Joey Gambino, and Ross Pearson were just a few of the men to walk away from their bouts with some gruesome lacerations and another (or in Gambino’s case, a first) loss on their record. A tough day at the office indeed.
“Boring,” and “sucked” were just a couple of words that White used to describe the five round affair between Clay Guida and Gray Maynard, a sentiment that most fans seemed to agree with when all was said and done. And regardless of who you thought won that fight, you could probably understand a little bit of Gray’s frustration with the Steve Prefontainian conundrum that Guida brought to the octagon. This frustration became all the more apparent when the two met backstage, where some less than positive remarks were exchanged between the two camps. Oddly enough, it all began when Guida uncharacteristically complained about the judges decision, despite the fact that Napoleon was closer to conquering Russia than Guida ever was to finishing that fight, or even attempting to for that matter.
(Things start to get interesting around the 8:26 mark.)
I know this will earn me a lot of hate (then again, what doesn’t), but when you want to jab and jog your way to victory, as was obviously Guida’s plan going into last Friday’s fight, I can’t really empathize when the judges bite you in the ass for doing so. Relying on the judges to determine the correct outcome of a fight (especially one that was that close) is akin to career suicide in MMA considering their time-tested incompetence, so Guida has no one to blame but himself (and maybe Greg Jackson) for the inevitable result of doing so. I say this as a Guida fan.
Just check out the Fightmetric stats if you want to see how close of a fight this truly was.
Granted, Fightmetric results don’t often tell the whole story, but my God, talk about an abysmal efficiency rate. All of the rounds were decided by such a small difference that it would be hard to make the case that either fighter was clearly deserving of the judges nod. So basically, who you feel won the fight likely comes down to your view of the terms “aggression” and “octagon control.” I’ll give Guida this, he implemented a frustrating gameplan that Maynard had little to no answer for the first couple of rounds. As things progressed, however, Guida just fell short in terms of effectiveness. Let the cries of “TUF noob” and “incompetent jackass” begin.
Tonight, the UFC makes its ever glorious return to FX, and if the undercard is any indication, we are in for a night of action packed goodness, Potato Nation. Clay Guida and Gray Maynard will battle for a spot amongst the endless string of lightweight contenders, and Spencer Fisher will be battling for his dignity against Sam Stout. Our very own Jared Jones will be liveblogging everything as it goes down, so join him as he recaps all the action as it plays out, won’t you?
Tonight, the UFC makes its ever glorious return to FX, and if the undercard is any indication, we are in for a night of action packed goodness, Potato Nation. Clay Guida and Gray Maynard will battle for a spot amongst the endless string of lightweight contenders, and Spencer Fisher will be battling for his dignity against Sam Stout. Our very own Jared Jones will be liveblogging everything as it goes down, so join him as he recaps all the action as it plays out, won’t you?
God Damn was Cub Swanson’s TKO of George Roop brutal. That said, I got Pearson all day on this one.
Round 1: And we are underway. Pearson with a left hook. Cub is trying to get in and out. Pearson throws a knee that’s off the mark. Leg kick misses for Swanson. Pearson with a nice takedown, but Swanson gets to his feet quickly. Very nice. Swanson lands a right that sends Pearson spinning, then throws a beautiful elbow. Don’t you fuck my Parlay already, you British bastard. Swanson with an uppercut that partially lands. Swanson nails Pearson with a capoeria style kick as he falls to the mat, then throws a couple upkicks. Pearson wades right through them and lands a couple punches of his own, and Swanson gets back to his feet. A couple nice combinations, but mostly feints from both men. Swanson lands a nice straight right and the round is over.
Round 2: They trade leg kicks to start the round. Pearson with a nice pair of jabs. Swanson lands a nice right, and then a spinning punch (?). Hell of an exchange; I’m having trouble keeping up. Anyway, Person lands a takedown, but Swanson gets up as Pearson goes for his back. Right hand Swanson. Pearson looks cut. Nice left by Pearson. Both these guys are displaying some great chins. Swanson throws a kick that Pearson catches and turns into a takedown. Swanson lands another nice upkick before Pearson moves into his guard, postures, and lands some nice GnP. Nice inside elbows from pearson, followed by a couple almost-as-nice body shots. Swanson to his feet, and Pearson lands a nice left…and SWANSON LANDS A LEFT HOOK THAT KNOCKS PEARSON DOWN!!! Motherfuckersonofabitch!!! Pearson was battered, and definitely seemed to be dazed, but was going for a takedown when Yves dove in. Either way, nice win for Swanson. Florian compares his athleticism to Jose Aldo. I’m laughing so hard that I nearly pee’d, yet somehow crying that my parlay is already fucked at the same time.
Cub Swanson def. Ross Pearson via TKO at 4:14 of round 2
Enough with the FOX football music. ENOUGH!!
Brian Ebersole vs. TJ Waldburger
The tale of the tape informs us that Waldburger has age on his side, but Ebersole has number of chest hair shaped arrows on his. You tell me which counts more.
Round 1: TJ lands a left hook, then a nice straight left that drops Ebersole! TJ in half guard, working for mount. He’s got it; not good for Ebersole. Ebersole is trying to push off, but Waldburger locks in a tight D’arce in the scramble! WOW. Ebersole is turning purple, but gets out and to his feet. Amazing escape. Nice body shot by Ebersole. Leg kick Waldburger, and they clinch. Nice elbow on the break by Ebersole. Body kick TJ. Both men land in an exchange, then a nice right by Waldurger. Ebersole answers with a left. Ebersole tries for a takedown but is firmly denied. Good round, but I’d give it to Waldburger easily.
Round 2: TJ starts with a left, then grabs a double and gets Ebersole down. TJ goes for the back but Ebersole spins him around and gets his own. Ebersole going for an omaplata, but Ebersole pulls out and lands a nice right, then a couple elbows. Now Waldburger goes for an armbar. Man, this kid is really something to behold off his back. Very similar to Tim Credeur in his constant attack/transitions. Ebersole escapes again and tries to land some punches, but TJ throws up a triangle now. Ebersole backs off and gets into full guard. Waldburger throws up another armbar attempt. Waldburger locks up a triangle after Ebersole lands a couple punches. Now Waldburger switches for a reverse triangle, but Ebersole breaks free and lands some nice strikes. Ebersole ends the round with some powerful punches from the top.
Round 3: Waldburger catches Ebersole coming in with a left hook, and Ebersole goes for the Muay Thai clinch and nails him with an elbow. Ebersole tries his patented cartwheel kick, but it is miles from the mark. TJ looks tired, and Ebersole goes in for a single. He gets it easy. Yep, Waldburger is definitely tired. TJ throws up another triangle, but it’s a little loose. He’s gotta shift position, but Ebersole breaks out and takes his back for a second. Back to full guard with a minute left. Walburger looking for a sweep, but Ebersole is looking real smooth on top. Ebersole lands a few hammerfists and a big left as the round ends. Ebersole really turned it around those last two rounds; I’d probably give it to him.
Brian Ebersole wins by UD (29-28×3)
Spencer Fisher vs. Sam Stout
I have some high expectations for this one, Potato Nation, as I’m sure you do.
Round 1: Nice left by Fisher to start. Body shot Stout. The combinations are quick on both ends, go figure. Nice right by Stout, but Fisher smiles and hits him a little low. Leg kick checked by Fisher. Nice right by Fisher, but Stout lands a counter left. Another nice left by Fisher, who is looking real sharp right now. Left hand Stout, but Fisher lands a right hook. Leg kick Stout, who lands a takedown and moves into guard. Stout tries to land some elbows, but they are blocked by Fisher. They get to their feet, and Stout immediately grabs a takedown. Spencer gets to his feet quickly this time. Both men land inside leg kicks, and Fisher lands a spinning backfist to end the round.
Round 2: Stout starts with an inside leg kick. Nice combo by Stout, answered by Fisher. Stout goes for a double, but gets denied. A good straight left by Fisher. Fisher lands another left as Stout goes for a body kick. Hard right hook by Stout, then a body shot. Right hand Fisher. Nice left hook from Stout, who’s going for the same right hook to the body, left up high that he KO’d Yves Edwards with. Stout lands a low blow that halts the action temporarily. After the break, Stout lands a takedown, and finishes the round in Fisher’s guard, likely taking the round.
Round 9 (you know what I mean): Fisher’s corner is calling for the knockout, and he lands a spinning elbow and a left. Fisher presses Stout to the cage, and Stout misses an inside trip. Nice overhand right from Fisher that lands. Stout has a decent sized mouse under his right eye, and Fisher is landing on it over and over again. Nice right by Stout, who follows shortly thereafter with a body and leg kick back to back. Another body kick by Stout, but Fisher answers with a right. Straight left by Fisher. Stout rushes in on a double and gets it. Fisher trying to wall walk, and manages to get to his feet. Left hook Stout, who rushes in for another takedown,which he grabs after a little resistance. Stout into half guard. Wow, quick stand up by Kevin Mulhall. Fisher with a nice right, and both men are swinging for the fences. Fisher gets cut as the bell rings.
And takedowns win the day again.
Sam Stout by Unanimous decision in a hell of a fight.
As with Josh Thompson and Gilbert Melendez, I could watch these two fight at every UFC event until the end of time.
And it’s main event time…
Gray Maynard vs. Clay Guida
Guida comes out to “Walk” by Pantera. I now want Guida to win times a million bajillion. Maynard comes out to some autotuned Rap affair, which only confirms my decision. Dammit Buffer, please don’t remind us that we’re in New Jersey. Guida’s hair looks…odd. His staredown, on the other hand, is shit-your-pants intense. Interesting that KenFlo is commentating, being that he’s fought both men.
Round 1: Crowd chanting Guida immediately. Maynard lands a stiff left, then wings a right by Guida. Guida somehow has already cut Maynard on his nose. Lead left hand Maynard. Guida is moving like a coked up Cirque du Soleil performer, but isn’t throwing a lot. Maynard is just a bit short on most of his punches, and can’t seem to get Guida’s rhythm down, go figure. Guida lands a 1-2, but Maynard counters. Maynard goes low, and Guida follows with a body kick. The two juke it out to end the round.
Round 2: Guida pokes Maynard in the eyes at the start of the round, but action restarts quickly. Guida is all over the fucking place, and Maynard seems a bit puzzled. Nice right by Guida, then another looping overhand. Maynard needs to start pressing the action and throwing some multi-punch combos or go for a takedown. Mike Pyle agrees with this notion, and considering he just dicknailed Josh Neer, Maynard should follow his advice. Head kick from Guida that is partially blocked. Maynard whiffs a big right, and the crowd is sporadically booing. Head kick lands by Guida, but Maynard isn’t fazed. Maynard lands a couple nice punches to end the round but the crowd is really emphasizing their disappointment.
Round 3: Crowd is booing to start the round. Guida lands a knee, but Maynard with a crisp right. Guida needs to do less bouncing and more punch throwing. He obliges, and lands a couple nice jabs. Finally Gray shoots for a takedown, but is firmly denied by Guida. Guida shoots for a single but is also denied. Maynard is lifting his hands ala either Diaz in frustration. I feel you there, bro. Gray misses a huge right, and Guida lands a jab. Gray is just chasing Guida around instead of cutting off the cage. Nice right by Maynard, who is complaining about another eye poke, but gets no response from Miragliotta. Crowd is chanting Guida for some reason. Maynard lands a nice knee, but Guida backs out ala Carlos Condit as the round ends. Maynard is fucking pissed.
Round 4: Guida lands a short left, then a quick 1-2. Maynard tries to clinch and lands a knee after a failed takedown attempt. It’s two and a half minutes in and not much has landed from either fighter. Guida slips a left hook and the crowd is still on edge. Anytime Maynard even gets Guida in a corner he is literally sprinting out of it. Maynard with a short left and is now talking a little shit. Gray lands some knees in the clinch, and is now going full on Diaz on Guida, hands down and talking shit. Guida is suddenly caught off guard, as he just landed a flush right that Maynard walked right through. Maynard stuffs a takedown and goes for an arm in guillotine that looks deep, but Guida slams his way out of it and the round ends. Badass display by Maynard.
Round 5: Crowd now chanting Maynard, and for good reason. It’s like Rocky 4 up in this bitch. Maynard lands a right. Gray throws a right hook and a half ass flying knee. Maynard looks much fresher than he did against Edgar. Guida lands a good kick and combo, but Maynard answers with a hard right hand. Maynard misses a single leg attempt, and resorts back to chasing Guida like he’s his older brother on the playground. Guida with a left. Guida is running like a scared dog, and Miragliotta gives him a warning for doing so. Right hand by Maynard lands. I hate to come off as bias, but Guida is fighting not to lose, and Maynard is trying to finish this. Maynard goes for a single, and has Guida pressed up against the cage. Maynard throws a couple knees from the clinch and the two dance around and throw a couple punches that hit mostly air as the round ends.
If Guida wins this, I don’t even know…
Gray Maynard wins by Split Decision, proving that at least one MMA judge in every fight couldn’t see water if they fell out of a boat.
Well, that’s it for me, Potato Nation. Thanks for joining me tonight, I truly appreciate it. KenFlo says Guida had a “smart gameplan.” If putting up as little of a fight as possible is a great gameplan nowadays, I guess I agree with him. I’m going to finish off this bottle and forget everything that just happened.
(Were you the country bumpkin that called me a Guido, or was it Hughes?)
It might be just me, but every time I see or even hear Matt Serra on camera, I expect him to have a trio of deli meats clenched in one fist and a bottle of Patron in the other. He exudes the Long Island Italian meathead stereotype more than any other professional fighter out there, and although I normally despise those people, I can’t help but laugh when he launches into his shtick. It’s kind of like how if you were to take Sofia Vergara’s voice and implant it into anyone else but her, the results would be gratingly annoying rather than hilarious and enthralling.
Whether you agree or not with the above statement will likely impact your excitement to learn that “The Terra” recently…hosted (?) a video blog for the UFC called Fight Camp Insider. And wouldn’t you know it, Serra managed to not only snag fellow wordsmith Chael Sonnen for an interview, he ended up spending the whole day with him. Needless to say, a good time was had by all.
Video and a recanting of the events after the jump.
(Were you the country bumpkin that called me a Guido, or was it Hughes?)
It might be just me, but every time I see or even hear Matt Serra on camera, I expect him to have a trio of deli meats clenched in one fist and a bottle of Patron in the other. He exudes the Long Island Italian meathead stereotype more than any other professional fighter out there, and although I normally despise those people, I can’t help but laugh when he launches into his shtick. It’s kind of like how if you were to take Sofia Vergara’s voice and implant it into anyone else but her, the results would be gratingly annoying rather than hilarious and enthralling.
Whether you agree or not with the above statement will likely impact your excitement to learn that “The Terra” recently…hosted (?) a video blog for the UFC called Fight Camp Insider. And wouldn’t you know it, Serra managed to not only snag fellow wordsmith Chael Sonnen for an interview, he ended up spending the whole day with him. Needless to say, a good time was had by all.
After a brief chat with Ray Longo and an assessment of how fat he’s gotten (answer: kind of), Serra embarks on a journey to a previously uncharted land known as Oregon to take a tour of Team Quest’s longtime training facility. And after a discussion of Sonnen’s pizzeria, its negative impact on his weight cut, and another fatness assessment (seriously, this episode is veering towards King of Queens territory in a hurry), Serra finally gets down to business. That business, is comparing Matt Longo’s attractiveness to that of Marlon Brando.
Simply put, these are the kind of interviews I live for. I don’t want to hear about how training camps are going, and what some guy’s gameplan is for his upcoming fight. That nonsense is whitewash at this point. We already know what everyone’s going say, even when it’s someone like Chael. I want to hear two men talk about pizza and The Godfather with metrosexual undertones. And on this front, Serra delivers in spades.
At this point, Serra is in need of slice, preferably topped with some nice gabagool, and heads over to Sonnen’s joint, known to the general public as Mean Street Pizzeria. He alludes that he is not unlike a ninja turtle in that he has an insatiable appetite for martial arts and pizza pie, which is perhaps the most accurate life assessment we have ever had the privilege of witnessing. No joke: a couple college buddies of mine from Long Island ran into Serra at a Chipotle in Huntington, where he proceeded to tell them that he once consumed a three man 36” pizza challenge by himself just down the street and stayed for cannolis afterward. All we’re saying is that Serra is less of a mixed martial artist and more of an ass-kicking philosopher. Like Kung Fu Panda.
He orders a straight slice of cheese to start. Fat joke. Martial arts. Consume pizza. The cycle repeats.
At eight and a half minutes in, Serra meets up with Chael at his place in the outskirts of town. “It’s in a nice neighborhood,” Serra remarks. You think that’s impressive? Tito Ortiz bought his own neighborhood. But what Tito Ortiz didn’t have, or at least failed to show us, was the awesome Whack-a-Mole style training device designed by Nexersys that Sonnen keeps in his house. You’ll have to see it for yourself, but it’s basically Dance Dance Revolution or Guitar Hero for mixed martial arts fighters, and it just shot to the top of our wish lists. “If you could get this to hold a coffee, it would be Longo,” Serra jokes.
Sonnen also recounts his WEC 36 fight with Paulo Filho in which Filho both failed to make weight (changing the fight to a non-title bout in the process), and was apparently haunted by the ghosts of Xanax’s past. The good news: Filho ended up sending Sonnen the belt after he won the fight. The bad: The rest of Filho’s career.
After the tour, the crew heads back to Sonnen’s stomping grounds, where they come upon Yushin Okami mid-sparring, likely for his upcoming bout with Rousimar Palhares. Though at the time this was filmed, we imagine Okami was still expecting to face Luiz Cane, being that he is not attempting to free his ankle from a bench vice.
But even better than the pizza, even better than Okami, is the entrance of Mama Sonnen at the 12:52 mark. And believe it or not, she still holds Chael’s mouthpiece in between rounds, like a true mother should. Things conclude with an intense sparring session for Sonnen, who gets put through the ringer of Team Quest products before bidding Serra adieu.
I think it’s safe to say that Serra has found his future calling in the MMA biz. Half fighter interviews, half Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives. Matter of fact, if Serra threw on a spiky blonde wig, a pair of backwards sunglasses, and a few more sweatbands, he could pass as Guy Fieri’s body double without anyone knowing the difference.
