(Looks like McConaughey is still struggling to put that Dallas Buyers Club weight back on. Photo via Getty.)
‘Sup, Nation. Danga here. I’ll be handling liveblogging duties for tonight’s Fight Night 45: Cerrone vs. Miller card, and this is in no way influenced by the fact that I’ve been missing work the past couple of days due to a horrendous mix of consumption, rickets, and spina bifida (I have the same doctor as Tito Ortiz). Anyways, some of the fights on tonight’s card look entertaining enough. Some do not. I will be liveblogging the former. I’m not sure how many yet, but I’ll be sure to fill the dead air with whimsical musings and shower thought-worthy topics of discussion.
In the evening’s main event, veteran badasses Donald Cerrone and Jim Miller will likely engage in a Fight of the Night-earning effort. It will be described as both “sick” and “epic” by the experts on Twitter. Who you like in this fight may very well boil down to your stance on micro vs. mainstream beer — We all know Cerrone is a Budweiser fan, whereas Miller is not some shwill-sipping charlatan who lacks taste buds and therefore prefers his own brand of microbrew. Guess who I’m rooting for. Join me, maybe?
I should be honest with you Taters; I haven’t been absent for most of this week due to a combination of consumption, rickets, and spina bifida. I have, however, been locked in a three day battle of wills with Microsoft tech support that tested my will to live and resulted in no less than three racially-driven rants aimed at Indians.
I’m not racist, it’s just that I get frustrated when my source of income suddenly stops working and the person trying to explain to me what’s wrong with it speaks at 148 words/second through a headpiece that sounds more like a potato than a device used for human communication. I guess it’s more of a language barrier thing than a race thing. Glad I could clear that up for you.
I’m not going to play-by-play it, but Lucas Martins is about to knock the shit out of Alex White. It’s inevitable.
I was mistaken. Martins is fading fast.
Nevermind, I was right. Martins just blistered White with a right hand. White looked like he was trying to answer an imaginary phone call on the way down.
Back to my story, the worst part of which is that it wasn’t even a crucial part of my computer that started malfunctioning. Three days ago, my Microsoft Office suite shit the bed. All my documents, invoices, rough drafts of love letters I wrote in blood to Ellie Kemper, etc. gone. After several attempts to reinstall it, I call up Microsoft to see what the f*ck the deal is. They tell me that they’re going to need remote access to my computer to fix it, which is a concept that freaks me right the f*ck out, but whatever, I hand it over.
Actually, that’s not true. First they told me that the warranty on my Office suite had expired, because of course it had, and I could either pay $99 to fix the problem and receive a whole month’s coverage, or pay $150 to fix it and receive a year’s coverage. What a deal, Microsoft, you covetous whores! I bend over a barrel and pay the $150.
I guess John Lineker actually made weight for his fight with Alptekin Ozkilic, so what the hell, I’ll liveblog this one.
John Lineker vs. Alptekin Ozkilic
Round 1: Lineker with a nice right to the body to start things off. Lineker with a right upstairs that sends Alpy (I’m calling him Alpy for short) back on his heels. Alpy with a shot and he gets Lineker’s back with one hook in. Alpy on top now in side control, then half guard. Alpy with an inside leg kick. They’re giving Alpy’s coach his own camera, as if we can’t already hear him in this empty arena. Nice right hand by Alpy, and Linker is coming up short. Nice leg kick by Alpy. After a wild exchange, Lineker shoots and gets Alpy down for a second. Good round, but I’d probably give it to the Turkish Delight.
Round 2: Nice left hook by Alpy. Lineker is swinging wild, and lands a nice uppercut. Left hook Alpy. Pair of jabs for Lineker. Alpy’s left jhook is finding its mark all day. Starting to hate that I’m calling him Alpy, but there’s no turning back now. Like I’m going to type Ozkilic a million times in a row. Nice combo, then a leg kick from Lineker. Pair of body shots from Lineker that dig in deep. God damn does Lineker throw hard. Lineker is just ripping the torso of Alpy, who isn’t fazed in the slightest. Again with the coach cam. Right hand Lineker, then another overtop. Lineker ends with a takedown and a flurry and easily takes the round.
Round 3: Lineker firing away at the body to start. God damn this is a brawl, both men are just throwing everything. Alpy is hurt! Linker is all over him. Lineker stuffs a takedown and lands a counter left. Lineker is putting his jab right where it needs to be, not giving Alpy a second to breathe. Sickening smack signals another body shot for Lineker. Alpy is going to be pissing blood tomorrow morning, but he is one tough SOB. Body shot, body shot, and go figure, body shot by Lineker. Left hook Lineker. Alpy answers. Brutal body shot by Lineker, and these two continue to trade combos. Uppercut Lineker. Lineker with a left hook that sends Alpy crashing to the mat! It’s all over!
God damn, what a fight and what a finish. Glad I chose to liveblog it.
John Lineker def. Alptekin Özkiliç via TKO (punches), round 3, 4:51
My Microsoft Office story, pt. 3ish: They started working on my computer around 10 a.m. on Monday. Or maybe it was 9 a.m. I’ve been in the depths of an ether binge since they began, so the time has gotten away from me. Anyways, I figured it’ll take them 20 minutes, 40 minutes tops to fix an error that was likely caused by my own stupidity. For a guy who writes on the internet for a living, I am about as up-to-date on current technology as 1930’s photographer. I just upgraded to a smart phone last week for Christ’s sake.
Two hours later, no progress has been made. The same error message is popping up every time the tech support lady tries to reinstall Office, and eventually she tells me that my case is being “elevated.” Surely, she had found the extensive archives of amputee pornography stashed in my special downloads folder (I call it my “secure files area”) and was informing the FBI. I spend the night awaiting the red and blue sirens of a cruel and crooked justice system.
The next day, I schedule a callback for 4:30 p.m. I figure I can get most of my work done before then. But go figure, it’s a shit day for news and by the time 4:30 comes rolling around, I’ve done one article for CP, one for our partner site, Holy Taco, and one for Screenjunkies. I wanted to write a tribute to Angels in the Outfield, which turned 20 yesterday, but the time has come for today’s repairs and I am helpless to this buttfuckery.
I will not be liveblogging Salas vs. Proctor, if you haven’t guessed. It’s a pretty good scrap so far, though.
So I get a phone call from Microsoft Office, and it’s the same lady. Poonam, I believe her name is. I find this interesting, because her inability to fix my computer the day before and decision to elevate my status should have placed me in line for a more qualified software repair person, I figure. A man, more specifically.
Joe Proctor’s face appears to have lodged a golf ball into the side of his head between rounds, BTW. Is his coach Al Czervik? I do not know.
My thrilling recollection of the battle with Microsoft Office shall continue after Rick Story vs. Guy Without Wiki page.
Rick Story vs. Leonardo Mafra
Round 1: Story starts with a left. Four punch combo for Mafra and Story responds with a takedown. Sharp elbows from Story in the guard. Mafra’s open guard places a real emphasis on the “open” part. He gets to his feet and throws a knee from the clinch, only to immediately be taken back down by Story. This is going to be one of those fights where one guy (Mafra) will need to uncork a miracle combo in the brief moments he’ll be on his feet to win. Story pecking away from the top. Mafra gets to his feet with 30 seconds left, aaaaaaand he’s down.
Round 2: Nice left hook-body shot combo from Mafra, then a body kick. Story shoots on a deep single and gets it, but only temporarily. Story with a slam now and that’ll probably be it for Mafra this round. Story working a kimura, then gets the mount. Remember when Demian Maia squeezed himself a fresh glass of Horror Story Brain Juice? New band name, called i-Arm triangle Story! It’s dunzo.
Rick Story def. this Mafra character by arm-triangle, 2:12 of Round 2.
Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom (Microsoft Offices),
So Poonam tells me that she needs to install some updates and that it’s going to take 3 hours at the minimum to do so. Fuck. Me.
I go for a run, get a haircut, start a grocery store soccer mom riot by announcing that Tom Brady has been spotted in the natural foods aisle (I live in Boston), and head home. It has been 2 hours and 15 minutes.
For the next four hours, I watch in horror as Poonam continues to fail in her fastidious trials to end my minute suffering. My computer reboots and shuts off, reboots and shuts off — a bigmouth bass gasping for air in the depleted cesspool that has become my existence. What can I do?-SHIT THE NEXT FIGHT’S STARTING ALREADY.
Evan Dunham vs. Edson Barboza
Round 1: They trade rights to start. Leg kick Barboza, and my leg just twitched. My leg. Left hand Dunham, who eats a counter left in return. Evan shoots but gets soundly denied. Dunham’s putting a ton into his shots. Brutal body kick crumples Dunham! A few follow up punches and that is it!
Replay shows that Edson was able to crush Dunham with his toe. His f*cking toe. I was going to say that the kick was very Rockhold vs. Philippou-esque, but I think I just witnessed the first TKO via scratchy toenails in UFC history.
Barboza def. Dunham via TKO, 3:06, round 1
It’s close to 10:30 by the time the updates finish. Poonam has long since left. I am a literal steam engine of fury. I shut down my computer and walk away, refusing to look back at it. As if the computer is somehow responsible for my woes. As if my EXTENSIVE ARCHIVES OF AMPUTEE PORNOGRAPHY aren’t probably the root cause of whatever virus/glitch is preventing Poonam from completing what should be a pedestrain installation of Microsoft f*cking Office.
They’re replaying the Smith vs. Duke fight from the prelims. Spoiler: Duke’s underwater-speed punches do not lead her to victory. I kid, Duke seems like a nice lady.
We set a callback time for 2 p.m the next day. This day. This is the third straight day of work required to fix my computer, if anyone’s counting. Now Poonam tells me she’s uninstalling, then reinstalling my entire Windows system. All this, for Microsoft Word and Excel.
It takes another four and a half hours for this process to finish. I have cleaned my entire apartment and beaten Halo 3 in that time. Poonam logs back in and attempts one. final. installation of the Office. The bar gets to its usual place (around 60%) and stops dead. It doesn’t move, but it hasn’t shown the error message yet either.
“It’s going to fail, Jared” I think to myself. “You know it’s going to fail. Error 1402. Something something contact Microsoft support. Go. F*ck. Yourself.”
But like that moment in Rescue Dawn when Christian Bale’s character first notices the rescue chopper and collapses to his knees in joy, the bar shoots all the way to 100%. I legitimately start crying, then punch myself in the leg and huff some duster, cause we all know cryin’s for pussies.
Main event time!
Donald Cerrone vs. Jim Miller
Round 1: Knee to the body by Cerrone. Left hook by Miller, then a body shot. Man, has MMA learned that body shots are awesome all of a sudden? Because that would be great. Miller with some more hard shots, and Cerrone looks a little stunned. Then again, he’s a notoriously slow starter. Miller with a left hand and gets it to the mat. Cerrone back to his feet. Right hand Cerrone. Miller responds and another big knee by Cowboy. Miller pushes Cerrone to the fence and throws some knees to Cerrone’s inner thigh. The takedown is immediately reversed by Cerrone. Miller has a small cut under his right eye. Now Cerrone’s looking for the takedown but can’t get it. Miller catches Cerrone coming in with a right. They slug it out till the bell.
Round 2: Straight left by Miller. Leg kick on the end of a combo for Miller, and Cerrone nails him right in the dick. Wait, what the fuck is Dan Miragliotta doing? He stops the fight then says it wasn’t a shot to the groin and continues it. What the shit was that? Cerrone searching for body kicks now, in any case. Miller’s still hurting from that body shot, but is swinging for the fences when Cerrone comes in for the kill. Takedown no good for Miller. Head kick Cerrone. Miller with an overhand left. Head kick Cerrone drops Miller! He’s down and out! Holy shit!
Donald Say-ro-neh just earned himself yet another performance bonus. As should everyone on this card, pretty much. Seriously, there were 9 finishes tonight, and six out of six on the main card. And on the one night I decide to liveblog.
Donald Cerrone def. Jim Miller via KO (head kick), 3:31 of Round 2
Am I saying that my battle with Microsoft tech support set into motion a chain of events that ended in the most exciting UFC card in some time? Yes, I am saying that.
You can doubt my ability to will an awesome night of fights into existence all you want, but right now, Microsoft Word is running on my computer. And I’m just staring at a blank page, soaking in its beautiful, mundane glory. All you haters can go flip.
To those of you who joined me for this trip into the mind of madness/occasional liveblog, I thank you. Goodnight, Tater Nation.
