Schadenfreude is the German word for taking pleasure from the misfortune of others, and aside from scheisseporn it’s pretty much the best word to come out of Germany untranslated. The German fußball team gave us some textbook definition schadenfreude action when they crushed Brazil 7-1 in the World Cup earlier this week, and everyone on the internet delighted in watching the host nation weep like little bitches during the meltdown.
Evil pleasure aside, there’s something fascinating about seeing another human wallowing in sadness. And outside of a choking team’s arena or third world country, I’d argue there’s no better place to stare sadness in the face than at a UFC post-fight press conference.
While most of the defeated fighters on a card get to skip the conference and ruminate on their losses in private, the loser of the main event is expected to show up and answer sharp questions from our crack MMA media like “How do you feel right now?” and “What is next now that you’ve failed?”
The look on their faces as they struggle to answer will hit you right in the feels. Or trigger dat schadenfreude if you’re a dick. Since I am definitely a dick, allow me to be your sadness sommelier on this tour through the saddest sadfaces at UFC post-fight press conferences…
(“I am not impress wit my performance” – Photo by Esther Lin for MMAFighting)
Schadenfreude is the German word for taking pleasure from the misfortune of others, and aside from scheisseporn it’s pretty much the best word to come out of Germany untranslated. The German fußball team gave us some textbook definition schadenfreude action when they crushed Brazil 7-1 in the World Cup earlier this week, and everyone on the internet delighted in watching the host nation weep like little bitches during the meltdown.
Evil pleasure aside, there’s something fascinating about seeing another human wallowing in sadness. And outside of a choking team’s arena or third world country, I’d argue there’s no better place to stare sadness in the face than at a UFC post-fight press conference.
While most of the defeated fighters on a card get to skip the conference and ruminate on their losses in private, the loser of the main event is expected to show up and answer sharp questions from our crack MMA media like “How do you feel right now?” and “What is next now that you’ve failed?”
The look on their faces as they struggle to answer will hit you right in the feels. Or trigger dat schadenfreude if you’re a dick. Since I am definitely a dick, allow me to be your sadness sommelier on this tour through the saddest sadfaces at UFC post-fight press conferences…
After three failed runs at the lightweight title, Kenny dropped down to 145 for one last attempt at a UFC belt. Unfortunately he ran into the buzzsaw that was prime Jose Aldo and lost the fight 49-46 on all three judges’ scorecards. I’m pretty sure he would have shed a few tears if his body had the moisture to spare after cutting down to featherweight.
It seemed pretty damn obvious to everyone except BJ Penn that he was gonna get tool time’d by Frankie Edgar in their third fight. It wasn’t until the post-fight conference that the reality of his situation hit BJ in the face harder than anything Frankie threw in the cage. “I shouldn’t have come back.” Welcome to everyone’s conclusion from nine months ago, BJ.
Georges is the only winner to make it onto this list for the epic sadface he pulled after his ‘victory’ over Johny Hendricks. First off, you know a guy as OCD as GSP was aware he didn’t exactly perform to his typical flawless standard. Secondly, he not only had those ‘personal problems’ to deal with, his awkward out of the blue retirement in the cage went over about as well as a fart in church. That all led to St Pierre giving us a little glimpse of what things are like in his dark place.
For all the hype and accolades Lyoto got out of this fight, he knows the score: he’s 36 years old, and only managed to secure this title shot by default because the rest of the middleweight division turned out to be on steroids. Unless he’s willing to push his career into Randy Couture territory, we probably just witnessed his last kick at the title shot can.
Here’s a twofer that proves the only thing worse than choking and losing a title fight with two minutes remaining is choking and losing a title fight in the second round. Not pictured: the sad face Chael has now as he sits on his couch with his withered testicles in one hand and a lifetime prescription for TRT in the other.
(Dana White establishing a neural link with the production truck. / Photo via Getty)
We’d say Ronda Rousey was the hammer and Alexis Davis was the nail at UFC 175, but that doesn’t even come close to how badly Rousey destroyed her Canadian opponent. Instead, we’ll put it this way: Ronda Rousey was a 500 kilaton hydrogen bomb and Alexis Davis the arid desert or frigid Siberian tundra it was tested on.
The fight wasn’t a fight. Calling it a squash match doesn’t even convey how one-sided it was–that’s how one-sided it was.
Since Rousey, at least as far as the world knew at the time, suffered no damage in her 16-second trouncing of Davis, people thought she might be able to save the day at UFC 176, a card desperately in need of a main event.
One of the people who thought this was a UFC production truck employee. During Rousey’s post-fight interview, Rogan claimed the truck asked him to inquire as to whether Rousey would want to fight at UFC 176. She was friendly but gave a diplomatic non-answer, stating she needed knee surgery and it depended on what her coaches said.
Dana White, however, was not so friendly about it…
(Dana White establishing a neural link with the production truck. / Photo via Getty)
We’d say Ronda Rousey was the hammer and Alexis Davis was the nail at UFC 175, but that doesn’t even come close to how badly Rousey destroyed her Canadian opponent. Instead, we’ll put it this way: Ronda Rousey was a 500 kilaton hydrogen bomb and Alexis Davis the arid desert or frigid Siberian tundra it was tested on.
The fight wasn’t a fight. Calling it a squash match doesn’t even convey how one-sided it was–that’s how one-sided it was.
Since Rousey, at least as far as the world knew at the time, suffered no damage in her 16-second trouncing of Davis, people thought she might be able to save the day at UFC 176, a card desperately in need of a main event.
One of the people who thought this was a UFC production truck employee. During Rousey’s post-fight interview, Rogan claimed the truck asked him to inquire as to whether Rousey would want to fight at UFC 176. She was friendly but gave a diplomatic non-answer, stating she needed knee surgery and it depended on what her coaches said.
Dana White, however, was not so friendly about it…
UFC 175 was a great card, but its gravitas was lessened if you were among the squeamish.
What happened?
We’ll start off with the least serious injury first: Ronda Rousey’s hand stitches.
Conceptualizing how Ronda Rousey could’ve possibly gotten injured in her 16-second OBLITERATION of Alexis Davis is beyond the mental faculties of mid-tier MMA bloggers. Somehow it happened though. Rousey hurt her hand, and even had stitches on it by the end of the right. Joe Rogan stated this was why she couldn’t headline UFC 176 in August.
See two photos of the injury that have been circulating on Twitter after the jump…
(Photo via Getty)
UFC 175 was a great card, but its gravitas was lessened if you were among the squeamish.
What happened?
We’ll start off with the least serious injury first: Ronda Rousey’s hand stitches.
Conceptualizing how Ronda Rousey could’ve possibly gotten injured in her 16-second OBLITERATION of Alexis Davis is beyond the mental faculties of mid-tier MMA bloggers. Somehow it happened though. Rousey hurt her hand, and even had stitches on it by the end of the right. Joe Rogan stated this was why she couldn’t headline UFC 176 in August.
Here are two photos of the injury that have been circulating on Twitter:
The injury was worse than the picture shows (there was a close-up of the bone jutting out of the skin during the live broadcast but there doesn’t appear to be a screenshot…yet). The best part is that Hall’s cornermen bullied the doctor into not doing anything about Hall’s clearly f*cked up toe when he checked it out between rounds. Actually, scratch that, the best part was Hall dancing around with a bone sticking out of his foot and actually kicking with that leg. That took bravado and some serious pain tolerance–and it’s those attributes that earned him a decision win over Thiago Santos.
We’ll post any more pics as they surface. Until then, enjoy your Sunday, Potato Nation.
CP staff writers Jared Jones and Seth Falvo have a few bones to pick with this weekend’s UFC 175: Weidman vs. Machida card. Mainly, its non-existent advertising, lack of good underdog bets, and blatant bait-and-switch tactics regarding its FS1 prelims. Read along to understand what it’s like to watch two grown-ass men slowly march down the path of insanity.
Al Bundy gifs will reign.
Despite being just one day out from the biggest UFC event of the summer, the hype surrounding this card seems non-existent. Have you even seen an advertisement for this event that didn’t take place during a lesser UFC card? The UFC can’t possibly believe that this is adequate advertising…can they?
SF: Buddy, I haven’t seen a single advertisement for this card, period. What, did you really think I’d be one of the nine people who watched UFC Ultimate Step to This Never Back Down: Live from New Zealand?
As for whether or not this is adequate advertising, you’re missing the point entirely. The public isn’t burnt out from a lack of advertising efforts, they’re burnt out from constant exposure to generic cards composed of completely meaningless fights.
JJ: I already touched on the complete lack of advertising for this card in my UFC 175 fight hype article on Wednesday, so I’ll (try to) be brief. While I’d personally rather see no advertising at all for a UFC event than be repeatedly subjected to the music of Linkin Park, I must admit that the UFC’s decision to not advertise a card with two title fights (two!) is a bit puzzling. I mean, sure, one of them is a Japanese freak show-level squash match, but still, UFC 175 has a lot more to offer from a marketing standpoint than several cards prior.
Honestly, I’m starting to thinking Dana’s barely beneath the surface hatred for MMA fans with discernable taste is starting to affect his business decisions. He’s gone from trying to convince us that every fight is of the same quality, no matter how blatant a lie he must craft, to simply trolling us with his “Fuck You, Take It” understanding of how to advertise his product. “You say no one cares about little flyweights? Beat them over the head with ads. A double title fight card? PULL ALL SPONSORS.”
My point is, the UFC no longer cares about advertising, because they no longer care about the quality of the cards they expect us to pay $60 for. They’re just going to keep doing their thing while reiterating that business is in fact “booming” and barely pausing to consider that their customers might actually be right every now and again. It’s a brilliant business strategy if you’ve never learned a thing about how a business is run.
CP staff writers Jared Jones and Seth Falvo have a few bones to pick with this weekend’s UFC 175: Weidman vs. Machida card. Mainly, its non-existent advertising, lack of good underdog bets, and blatant bait-and-switch tactics regarding its FS1 prelims. Read along to understand what it’s like to watch two grown-ass men slowly march down the path of insanity.
Al Bundy gifs will reign.
Despite being just one day out from the biggest UFC event of the summer, the hype surrounding this card seems non-existent. Have you even seen an advertisement for this event that didn’t take place during a lesser UFC card? The UFC can’t possibly believe that this is adequate advertising…can they?
SF: Buddy, I haven’t seen a single advertisement for this card, period. What, did you really think I’d be one of the nine people who watched UFC Ultimate Step to This Never Back Down: Live from New Zealand?
As for whether or not this is adequate advertising, you’re missing the point entirely. The public isn’t burnt out from a lack of advertising efforts, they’re burnt out from constant exposure to generic cards composed of completely meaningless fights.
JJ: I already touched on the complete lack of advertising for this card in my UFC 175 fight hype article on Wednesday, so I’ll (try to) be brief. While I’d personally rather see no advertising at all for a UFC event than be repeatedly subjected to the music of Linkin Park, I must admit that the UFC’s decision to not advertise a card with two title fights (two!) is a bit puzzling. I mean, sure, one of them is a Japanese freak show-level squash match, but still, UFC 175 has a lot more to offer from a marketing standpoint than several cards prior.
Honestly, I’m starting to thinking Dana’s barely beneath the surface hatred for MMA fans with discernable taste is starting to affect his business decisions. He’s gone from trying to convince us that every fight is of the same quality, no matter how blatant a lie he must craft, to simply trolling us with his “Fuck You, Take It” understanding of how to advertise his product. “You say no one cares about little flyweights? Beat them over the head with ads. A double title fight card? PULL ALL SPONSORS.”
My point is, the UFC no longer cares about advertising, because they no longer care about the quality of the cards they expect us to pay $60 for. They’re just going to keep doing their thing while reiterating that business is in fact “booming” and barely pausing to consider that their customers might actually be right every now and again. It’s a brilliant business strategy if you’ve never learned a thing about how a business is run.
This has gotten off to a depressing start.
Lyoto Machida presents a very interesting matchup for Chris Weidman. If you’re looking to gamble on an underdog this weekend, is he your smartest option?
SF: A bet on Machida definitely isn’t the worst way to spend a few bucks, that’s for sure. But how about we look over the rest of the card before we call a (+155) underdog the smartest option. Let’s see…Alexis Davis and Alex Caceres are strictly “never gonna happen $5 for shiggles” picks, so they’re both out. I’m keeping my money as far away from Struve vs. Mitrione as possible, so Mitrione is out. Doane vs. Brimage is currently at pick ‘em odds, and I’ve never even heard of most of these undercard fighters. However, Urijah Hall (-450) vs. Thiago Santos (+325) is exactly the kind of underdog odds that I like, so I’m going to say that Santos is the slightly-smarter option.
Maybe the $80 I made off of Santos when he stepped into the cage as a +800 underdog against an overrated Ronny Markes in March is clouding my judgment, but I really don’t see why “Anderson Silva 3.0 (LOL)” is such a heavy favorite here. Are the oddsmakers really that impressed by the fact that the Uriah Hall who was fighting for his job after an 0-2 UFC run managed to defeat the unmotivated, fading Chris Leben who retired immediately after the fight? “Bro, Hall defeated a DISINTERESTED FADING LEGEND! Do you even know how hard that is? HE IS READY TO FACE! THE PAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNN!” No thanks. I’ll gladly throw another $10 down on Santos, which will return over twice as much money as a bet on Machida would.
JJ: Bro, Chris Leben is a *BEAST* with a granite chin and K1-level striking, bro! Seriously, bro?! BRO!!
………….
I’m sorry, I think I just had a mini aneurysm. But as far as underdogs go, I’m running into the same issue as you, in that I don’t know who enough of these guys are to place bets on them. Machida doesn’t present a good enough cashback option to warrant a bet on him, and there’s no way I’m betting on Davis or the likelihood of Stefan Struve’s heart *not* imploding (too soon?). Fuck it, I’ll go with a 20 spot on the debuting Rob Font. He’s paired up against one of the most consistently inconsistent fighters of them all in George Roop, and a quick look over his record shows that he does possess the kind of KO power to finish the always KO-able Roop.
I’d also be tempted to throw a few bills at returning TUF 17 vet Kevin Casey, who is fresh off a first round blistering of Andrew Sanchez at RFA 15 to capture the promotion’s middleweight title. Then again, the guy he’s fighting is named Bubba Bush, so yeah, he’s probably f*cked.
JJ: Uh…it could do 500k buys if it…uh…ah screw it. Keep on dancing, Al!
Urijah Faber headlining the FS1 prelims behind Brimage vs. Doane on the card we’re supposed to pay money for is quite possibly the most blatant bait-and-switch the UFC has ever pulled. Does the UFC really lack as much respect for its fans as it seems to?
SF: I’m not sure I’d call this a bait-and-switch. I see what they’re trying to do, I just don’t think it’s going to work. By putting Urijah Faber on the preliminary card, they’re encouraging the casual fans who would otherwise skip the prelims to tune in. This boosts their dreadful FS1 ratings – by the way, I’m willing to bet Faber on Fox was more Fox’s decision than the UFC’s decision – and because the go-home show before a pay-per-view is extremely influential on buy rates, this may also encourage the dudebro tuning in for a free Faber fight to purchase the pay-per-view.
Of course, this line of thinking really falls apart once you begin to question it. For starters, how many fans do they actually think are going to tune in for the preliminaries just because Uriah Faber is fighting on the preliminaries? Call me crazy, but I firmly believe that if you actually care about preliminary fights, you aren’t a casual fan, and one recognizable name isn’t going to change this. As for the idea that the fans tuning in for Faber are now more likely to buy the pay-per-view, who exactly is going to watch a Urijah Faber fight that wasn’t already planning on watching Weidman, Machida, and Ronda Rousey? And even if these fans actually exist, does anyone think those fans are going to pay for fights that they don’t care about, simply because they just watched a fight that they do care about for free? Do they actually believe their own “All it takes is just one fight to turn a person into a hardcore fan” insanity?
Or maybe they’re somehow lacing the Faber fight with black tar heroin, in which case, yeah, that’s pretty disrespectful to get me addicted to drugs unknowingly, UFC.
JJ: I’m sure that Yahoo reporter/UFC shill Kevin Iole would tell you that placing Faber on the prelims makes perfect sense, before supporting his argument with a line of reasoning so backwards and illogical you’d think it had been dreamed up by David Lynch. And I get it, placing Faber on the prelims to boost FS1 ratings could work, but at what cost, Seth? AT WHAT COST.
Urijah Faber is a main card fighter. Russell Doane is not. Case closed.
JJ: BJ PENN CAME OUT OF RETIREMENT?!!! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!!!!
SF: …that’s a real event?
One final *final* question: Is the #WeekofDanga destined to go down as one of the greatest, most creative endeavors in CagePotato history?
SF: No question! #WeekofDanga #DangaArmy #NOLA
JJ: You’re right, Seth, it *isn’t* an actual question. I just added threw it in (and wrote your response) after you were finished drafting up your answers. Thanks for the kind words, though! #WeekofDanga #FarrahAbrahamforPresident
Ron “H20” Waterman. Justin “Nsane1” McCully. Jorge “The Naked Man” Ortiz. Just a few examples of why MMA fighters should never, ever be allowed to give themselves a nickname. And now, the latest and perhaps most tragic entry into the Bad Fighter Nickname Hall of Fame: TUF 19 finalist Corey “Beastin 25/8” Anderson.
I………………………..I just…………
Beastin 25/8. Beastin 25/8. I’ve said it aloud at least a dozen times already, placing emphasis on a different beat of the phrase each time, and I still haven’t cracked the code. Of all the combinations of all the words and numbers possible, he came up with fucking bee sting 25/8.
How have we allowed this to happen? I mean as, like, a collective species of likeminded individuals. I feel cold and ashamed and confused and cold and also ashamed.
Ron “H20″ Waterman. Justin “Nsane1″ McCully. Jorge “The Naked Man” Ortiz. Just a few examples of why MMA fighters should never, ever be allowed to give themselves a nickname. And now, the latest and perhaps most tragic entry into the Bad Fighter Nickname Hall of Fame: TUF 19 finalist Corey “Beastin 25/8″ Anderson.
I………………………..I just…………
Beastin 25/8. Beastin 25/8. I’ve said it aloud at least a dozen times already, placing emphasis on a different beat of the phrase each time, and I still haven’t cracked the code. Of all the combinations of all the words and numbers possible, he came up with fucking bee sting 25/8.
How have we allowed this to happen? I mean as, like, a collective species of likeminded individuals. I feel cold and ashamed and confused and cold and also ashamed.
There’s no way he’s always had that nickname, right? I know he’s only been competing a few years, but please, someone tell me that Corey Anderson has not been allowed to carry on with that nickname for this long.
Do you think Corey came up with it himself? Or do you think at some point during his training camp, one of his teammates saw him really cranking out those last few squats and was all like, “Man, you so tough, you don’t train 24/7, you train 25/8! You a beast, man!” and then Corey stopped dead in his tracks and was all “What did you just say?”
Can you imagine how Bruce Buffer is going to sound pronouncing this verbal diarrhea while channeling the power of Thor’s hammer with his voice? Do you think this will be the nickname that makes him finally crack and just burst out laughing like Steve Harvey on Family Fued? Bad enough Bruce is whoring out his vocal skills to set fighters voicemails these days, but now he has to be subjected to this?
Why, oh why have you forced me to rack my brain like this, Corey? Is this some kind of next level trolling, or did you serious think this was a snappy, original nickname? SOMEONE HELP ME UNDERSTAND THIS.
*********
I would just like to point out what several redditors already have, which is that Mr. Anderson’s nipples appear to have been photoshopped out and replaced with those of a pregnant steer. He also appears to have earned all 4 of his professional wins by neither submission, TKO, or decision, which says alot about his skillset as fighter. I almost want to root for him in his fight against whoever the other TUF 19 light heavyweight finalist is at the show’s finale this Sunday (?), but I simply can’t in good conscience.
Good luck, other TUF 19 finalist whose name I do not feel like looking up. I am in your corner.
Four chefs, three courses, only one chance to win! The challenge: Create an unforgettable meal from the mystery items hidden in these baskets before time. runs. out. Our distinguished panel of chefs will critique their work, and one by one, they must face the dreaded chopping block. Who will win the $10,000 prize, and who will be…Chopped?
Four MMA fighters-turned chefs think they have what it takes to win. Lets meet them. First up, Tito Ortiz…
[*Cue a montage of Ortiz hitting truck tires with a sledgehammer, pointing to business documents that clearly have nothing written on them*]
Tito Ortiz: “My name’s Ito Tortiz. I mean, Tito Ortiz. For years, people have been doubting my ability to compete at the highest level of reality show cooking competitions. But I’m here to prove them all wrong today and show that ‘The People’s Champ’, like no other, cooks like no other.”
Tim Sylvia: (*while eating jelly doughnut*) “I’m a real outside the box thinker when it comes to preparing meals. Just the other day, I filled an old oil barrel with ham hocks and melted cheese. It was a fantastic mid-afternoon snack.”
Four chefs, three courses, only one chance to win! The challenge: Create an unforgettable meal from the mystery items hidden in these baskets before time. runs. out. Our distinguished panel of chefs will critique their work, and one by one, they must face the dreaded chopping block. Who will win the $10,000 prize, and who will be…Chopped?
Four MMA fighters-turned chefs think they have what it takes to win. Lets meet them. First up, Tito Ortiz…
[*Cue a montage of Ortiz hitting truck tires with a sledgehammer, pointing to business documents that clearly have nothing written on them*]
Tito Ortiz: “My name’s Ito Tortiz. I mean, Tito Ortiz. For years, people have been doubting my ability to compete at the highest level of reality show cooking competitions. But I’m here to prove them all wrong today and show that ‘The People’s Champ’, like no other, cooks like no other.”
Tim Sylvia: (*while eating jelly doughnut*) “I’m a real outside the box thinker when it comes to preparing meals. Just the other day, I filled an old oil barrel with ham hocks and melted cheese. It was a fantastic mid-afternoon snack.”
Jon Jones: “There’s a lot of misconceptions about Jon Jones. Jon Jones is arrogant. Jon Jones is cocky. Jon Jones is a death machine behind the wheel of a car. All I can say is that Jon Jones comes to win, and if you don’t like it, you can bite my bird.” (*looks to cameraman*) “Can you delete all that in about 15 seconds?”
And finally, Chael Sonnen…
Chael Sonnen: (*yelling at the top of his lungs*) “At long last, it’s the man with the flan! The shot caller with the lemon baller! The bad guy who makes a great apple pie! The-”(cut off by camera)
Alright chefs, please open your baskets for the appetizer round.
Your ingredients are: Skirt steak, Matzo Crackers, Orange Gelatin cups, and Collard Greens. Your time starts…now!
[*Cue a montage of all four fighters cooking ferociously/talking to the camera about their personal struggles*]
Alright chefs, let’s see what you’ve created!
Tito Ortiz
Tito Ortiz: “What I have for you today, heretofore, are skirt steak meatballs mixed with matzo crackers for texture, sauteed colored greens, and an orange gelatin reduction.”
Alex Guarnaschelli: “They’re actually pronounced ‘collard greens’, Mr Ortiz.”
Tito Ortiz: “That doesn’t make any sense. They’re not the *collar* green, are they?”
Aaron Sanchez: “I like your presentation, but I’m missing a bit of heat here.”
Tito Ortiz: “Well…uh…you know…I’m not making any excuses, but I’m competing with four fractured vertebrae and lupus today, so I’m just trying to prove all my doubters wrong like no other.”
Jon Jones
Jon Jones: “I’ve prepared ground skirt steak wrapped in collard greens with an orange gelatin dressing.”
Marc Murphy: “This is absolutely delicious, and the presentation is spot on, but I’m missing the matzo crackers here. Did you use them?”
Jon Jones: “I was not given adequate time to prepare a gameplan for matzo crackers with coach Jackson, so no, I did not use them. If we can reschedule a meeting between myself and matzo crackers in three weeks, I will gladly take them on then.”
Marc Murphy: “That’s not how this show works, Mr. Jones.”
Tim Sylvia: “Damn! If it’s OK with you guys, I am going to tweet about my desire for another shot on Chopped every single day for the next five years.”
Marc Murphy: “That’s fine. Just please, get out of here. You smell like you shit yourself midway through the appetizer round.”
Chael Sonnen
Chael Sonnen: “My esteemed judges, if you would so kindly direct your eyes to the culinary creation before you: A grilled skirt steak salad, with collard greens, matzo cracker croutons, and a balsamic, orange-gelatin vinaigrette.”
Alex Guarnaschelli: “Seriously? After all that trash you talked about crafting ‘The Manliest Meal Ever Manifested by a Mixed Martial Artist’, you take a punt and make a salad? You are all bark and no bite, Mr. Sonnen.”
Chael Sonnen: “Well, you see Alex, I am a new father, and its not my fault that you went and changed the rules on me. I had no opportunity to go before the Chopped commission and disclose that I physically could not craft the meal I had hyped up due to a chemical imbalance in my system. What I’m saying is, *you* are to blame for my mistakes.”
Alex Guarnaschelli: “You’re right. I’m sorry, Chael.”
Chael Sonnen: “Apology accepted.”
Aaron Sanchez: “I really like what you did with the orange gelatin and the balsamic. Just a fantastic vinaigrette that really brightens up the salad. The steak is a little tough, however.”
Chael Sonnen: “You’re damn right it’s tough! Tougher than any of the steaks these pansies cooked up, that’s for sure! And if you want to see what a real tough piece of meat looks like, knock on Wanderlei Silva’s door and ask for his wife!”
(*rushes camera, screams*) “Tune into Metamrois 4 on August 9th to see me lay a good ol’ fashioned whooping on Andre Galvao, and after that, I’m coming for the rest of these dimwitted, bus-feeding Brazilians! That’s Metamoris 4! August 9th!”
(*Sonnen is dragged off by security*)
Well, that leaves just the two of you, Mr. Jones and Mr. Ortiz.
Jon Jones: “I am ready to achieve the greatness I was destined for…” (*crouches down in crab pose*)
How about you, Tito?…..
……Tito? Does anyone know where Mr. Ortiz has gone?
Jon Jones: “He ducked out ten minutes ago, holding his back and limping.”
Well, I guess that makes you Chopped champion, Jon Jones! Congratulations!
Jon Jones: “Thank you, Todd. Now where do you keep all the booze at?”
