Tag: Funny Shit

MMA Black Friday: 7 Things That Money Can’t Buy


(A PSP, a Marmaduke book, and fistful of dollars… Man, this cat really knows how to get down!)

By Jason Moles

While our wives and girlfriends are busy maxing out our credit cards in hopes of finding the perfect gift for everyone she knows, we should be reminded that money can’t buy everything — especially in the world of mixed martial arts. Follow us after the jump to discover the irony of the MMA Black Friday. I promise it will be better than the turkey sandwich and leftover pumpkin pie you’ll have for lunch.

1.) Resurrection

In June, Cheick Kongo did what no man has done since the Messiah some 2,000+ years ago — he defeated death. Alright, so maybe I’ve had a few too many turkey day cocktails and that’s not exactly how it went down, but you get the jist. Kongo was knocked unconscious not once but twice in his fight against fellow heavyweight Pat Barry and he still managed to win the fight! By KO nonetheless. No amount of Earthly money could ever buy a second (or third) chance to live again. If it were that easy, Steve Jobs would’ve made certain you increase your credit limit.


(A PSP, a Marmaduke book, and fistful of dollars… Man, this cat really knows how to get down!)

By Jason Moles

While our Carlos Condit’s Wife Seager Is Rather Attractive [PHOTOS]” href=”http://www.cagepotato.com/mma-w-a-g-alert-carlos-condits-wife-seager-is-rather-attractive-photos/”>wives and girlfriends are busy maxing out our credit cards in hopes of finding the perfect gift for everyone she knows, we should be reminded that money can’t buy everything — especially in the world of mixed martial arts. Follow us after the jump to discover the irony of the MMA Black Friday. I promise it will be better than the turkey sandwich and leftover pumpkin pie you’ll have for lunch.

1.) Resurrection

In June, Cheick Kongo did what no man has done since the Messiah some 2,000+ years ago — he defeated death. Alright, so maybe I’ve had a few too many turkey day cocktails and that’s not exactly how it went down, but you get the jist. Kongo was knocked unconscious not once but twice in his fight against fellow heavyweight Pat Barry and he still managed to win the fight! By KO nonetheless. No amount of Earthly money could ever buy a second (or third) chance to live again. If it were that easy, Steve Jobs would’ve made certain you increase your credit limit.

2.) The Joy Experienced Watching Anderson Silva in 2011

From revolutionizing the MMA landscape with a kick the way the Miami Dolphins did with a Wildcat Offense a few years ago to several strangely fascinating videos, Anderson Silva has provided more entertainment than a Chael Sonnen Says F*ck Canada or at Least This Reporter Who Lives There” href=”http://www.cagepotato.com/video-chael-sonnen-says-fck-canada-or-at-least-this-reporter-who-lives-there/” target=”_blank”>Chael Sonnen interview. These are memories that will last a lifetime, or three if you’re Cheick Kongo.

3.) A Clue

Man what I wouldn’t give to slap that stupid look off his face. This guy is more confused than a homeless man on house arrest. If money could by a clue, we’d have to take up another donation. It’s probably best we don’t, though – your better half has been gone quite awhile now.

4.) The Fight You Most Want To See

Fans want Dana White to make two fights happen pronto: Jon Jones vs. Rashad Evans and Chael Sonnen vs. Anderson Silva. Anyone who tells you differently is lying. It’s no wonder why there’s so much clamoring to see these fighters settle their differences in the Octagon. Take Sonnen for instance, he talked his way into our hearts, gave the pound-for-pound king the beating of his life in route to getting subbed in the final round, and has ceased his verbal attack on “The Spider” going as far as to challenge him to a ‘Loser Leaves Town’ match. There is honest hatred in the Oregonian’s heart that we must see unleashed again — if only to find out how big a role Silva’s injured ribs played.


As for ‘Suga’ and ‘Bones’, the future PPV tagline says it all: Good Friends, Better Enemies. Their genuine dislike for one another only adds fuel to the fire. We all know the story of training partners so close one would fake a hand injury to avoid fighting the other to a young pup stealing all the spotlight while running his mouth about what when on during a sparring session at Jackson’s. Did I mention they had and nearly threw down at a nightclub?

5.) A Title Shot

Jon Fitch has not lost a fight since Georges St. Pierre defeated him for the UFC welterweight championship back in 2008. In that time, Kenny Florian and Lyoto Machida have been given several opportunities to fight for gold. So why not Fitch? Is he too boring? Is it because he doesn’t have a fancy TV show on ESPN or drink his own pee? Yeah, we’re not sure either. Since money is useless when attempting to get a title shot, we came up with a few ways Fitch might get another crack anyway.

6.) Forgiveness

You can’t think about Paul Daley sucker punching Josh Koscheck and subsequently being fired without hearing Don Henley’s ‘The Heart of the Matter‘ in your head. This is the classic ‘from the penthouse to the outhouse’ scenario; He went from fighting in the UFC in May 2010 to fighting in Impact FC two months later. Despite his apology to Kos, the crestfallen Daley remained focused on working his way back in Dana’s good graces fighting five times this year. Zuffa owned Strikeforce appears to have let “Semtex” wander off on his own after dropping two straight. Tack on his history of missing weight and you’ll see that this is one ‘F’ word you won’t here White say.

7.) The Keys to New York

If money could by Zuffa keys to the state of New York, they would have filled MSG twice already. Remember, they even tried to buy their way in as recent as this past summer. Remember folks, money — it isn’t everything.

WTF of the Day: Jeff Monson Apparently Kicked Two Cops’ Asses Just Hours Before His Fight With Fedor


(Gentlemen, gentlemen, I’m just here for the aspic.)

Chalk up another win for anarchists everywhere. According to a Russian website, former UFC heavyweight title contender and renowned political actvist Jeff Monson was in a subway station just hours before his fight with Fedor Emelianenko when he witnessed two Moscow police officers aggressively badgering a poor, drunken homeless man, likely wearing a shawl and holding a baby, and decided to intervene. We’ll let “RT” explain how things went down:

One of the LifeJournal users was shocked when he met Monson in the city’s Metro, which he decided to take in order to make the 40-minute trip to the Moscow outskirts, where he was to hold a master class the day before the fight. He was dressed in hooded top and wearing flip-flops. The temperature on that day was around zero degrees.

On one of the stations he noticed two policemen trying to calm down a drunken man. Their methods seemed too aggressive to the American and he rushed to calm down the policemen. Monson’s escort decided not to wait until the American, known for his penchant for anarchism, beat up the surprised law-enforcers and stopped the scuffle. 

Your move, Jon Jones.


(Gentlemen, gentlemen, I’m just here for the aspic.)

Chalk up another win for anarchists everywhere. According to a Russian website, former UFC heavyweight title contender and renowned political actvist Jeff Monson was in a subway station just hours before his fight with Fedor Emelianenko when he witnessed two Moscow police officers aggressively badgering a poor, drunken homeless man, likely wearing a shawl and holding a baby, and decided to intervene. We’ll let “RT” explain how things went down:

One of the LifeJournal users was shocked when he met Monson in the city’s Metro, which he decided to take in order to make the 40-minute trip to the Moscow outskirts, where he was to hold a master class the day before the fight. He was dressed in hooded top and wearing flip-flops. The temperature on that day was around zero degrees.

On one of the stations he noticed two policemen trying to calm down a drunken man. Their methods seemed too aggressive to the American and he rushed to calm down the policemen. Monson’s escort decided not to wait until the American, known for his penchant for anarchism, beat up the surprised law-enforcers and stopped the scuffle. 

Your move, Jon Jones.

Now, we can only assume that this story was fabricated by the Russians to cover up the real story – Monson caught them spying on his training regimen, as they’ve been known to do, and decided to lay a good old fashioned American ass-whooping on those commie bastards. It’s no wonder he looked so worn out in his unanimous decision loss to Fedor that night, the man had already used up all of his best combinations saving one of the 99 percent. But if you think about it, Monson went 2-1 on the evening, whereas Mother Russia only went 1-2. What we’re trying to say is…AMERICA!! FUCK YEAH!

On a side note, flip flops?! In zero degree weather?! Really Jeff? And here we thought his “Snowman” nickname came from his short, stocky physique.

-Danga 

Your Daily Dose of Awesome: Quinton Jackson’s PSA for BGD

Anyone who has kids can tell you that it seems no sooner are you finished shelling out a wad of cash on one-and-done Halloween costumes then you’re being bombarded with Christmas wish lists from those little money pits, chock-full of useless and annoying toys that you can neither afford nor should ever consider giving to a child if you are the least bit sane. And before we can even sit down to a nice Thanksgiving meal that eventually erupts into a heated argument over why they let Chaz Bono compete on Dancing With the Stars, former UFC light heavyweight champion Quinton “Rampage” Jackson is here to remind us all that the gifts we do receive will likely be worse than even our pathetic standards could have predicted.

Anyone who has kids can tell you that it seems no sooner are you finished shelling out a wad of cash on one-and-done Halloween costumes then you’re being bombarded with Christmas wish lists from those little money pits, chock-full of useless and annoying toys that you can neither afford nor should ever consider giving to a child if you are the least bit sane. And before we can even sit down to a nice Thanksgiving meal that eventually erupts into a heated argument over why they let Chaz Bono compete on Dancing With the Stars, former UFC light heavyweight champion Quinton “Rampage” Jackson is here to remind us all that the gifts we do receive will likely be worse than even our pathetic standards could have predicted.

Bad Gift Disorder, or BGD, is a fake disease that has afflicted more people worldwide than Restless Legs Syndrome and TBA combined, and according to Rampage, “can end relationships, destroy homes, and even wreck the environment.” Upon hearing this, Al Gore immediately published a full report proving that BGD would erode the Ozone layer within the next three years unless everyone buys a hybrid car. And I’m sorry Mr. Gore, but I just don’t care enough about the environment to be caught dead in one of these Doug Funny clown cars.

Now, I know math isn’t exactly my strongest suit, but could someone please explain to me what the hell “8.92 and 1/2 seconds” is? That can’t be a real figure…right? Right?! Curse you, Upstate New York school systems, for your blatant lack of insight in this field.

Though there is no cure for BGD outside of giving a shit, which, let’s be honest, most of us gave up on since reading the news, Rampage states that “98 percent of bad gifts are 103 percent preventable.” So it is to you, Mr. Jackson, that I must ask, does the 6 pack of Red Bull and deluxe edition DVD set of The Secret I bought for my 6 year old nephew count as giving a shit?

-Danga

Video of the Week: Chael Sonnen Says F*ck Canada or at Least This Reporter Who Lives There

Chael Sonnen lets reporter have it – Watch MoreFunny Videos

Our favorite quote generator, Chael Sonnen was interviewed on Canadian sport network TSN today by infamous pot stirrer Michael Lansberg and let’s just say that if he was acting, he deserves an Oscar.

Things got heated from the very beginning when Lansberg asked the number one UFC middleweight contender why he “backed down” from the loser leaves town challenge he issued UFC middleweight champ Anderson Silva.

“You might want to take the bass out of your tone, I’m not sure you know who you’re talking to here, but I’ve never backed down from anything, so check your facts,” Sonnen said. “If I tell you I’ll sell you my car for $10,000, do you think I can just call you back a year from now and say, ‘I’ll take the $10,000 for the car’? That’s not how offers work. Is that how you do business in Canada? Cause in my country, that created business, offers expire.I made him an offer, apparently it didn’t work, he didn’t accept it. It’s not that I backed down, but apparently I need to present him with a new offer. You guys probably don’t do that in socialism, but in America, in a capitalistic society, that’s how things work.”


Chael Sonnen lets reporter have it – Watch MoreFunny Videos

Our favorite quote generator, Chael Sonnen was interviewed on Canadian sport network TSN today by infamous pot stirrer Michael Lansberg and let’s just say that if he was acting, he deserves an Oscar.

Things got heated from the very beginning when Lansberg asked the number one UFC middleweight contender why he “backed down” from the loser leaves town challenge he issued UFC middleweight champ Anderson Silva.

“You might want to take the bass out of your tone, I’m not sure you know who you’re talking to here, but I’ve never backed down from anything, so check your facts,” Sonnen said. “If I tell you I’ll sell you my car for $10,000, do you think I can just call you back a year from now and say, ‘I’ll take the $10,000 for the car’? That’s not how offers work. Is that how you do business in Canada? Cause in my country, that created business, offers expire.I made him an offer, apparently it didn’t work, he didn’t accept it. It’s not that I backed down, but apparently I need to present him with a new offer. You guys probably don’t do that in socialism, but in America, in a capitalistic society, that’s how things work.”

When Lansberg attempted to further explain his original statement, Chael  seemed perplexed by the point he was trying to make.

“What are you talking about? What is this, your first day on the job? You’re mixing five different stories here,” he snapped. “This is like doing amateur hour or something. What show am I on here? Is this for public radio?”

“The Gangster from America” genuinely seemed pissed off at the tedious line of questioning by Lansberg and he let the longtime host of “Off the Record” know that he wasn’t impressed with the interview, by continually berating him and eventually walked off the set in apparent disgust.

Besides firing continuous salvos at Lansberg, Chael also took potshots at Silva and UFC welterweight champion Georges St-Pierre during the 10-minute interview.

The Most Interesting Man in the World: 1
Cocky Canadian reporter: 0

Video: Anderson Silva Kills It in New Brazilian Ford Commercial

(Video courtesy of YouTube/StocktonHeyBuddy)

Anderson Silva continues to be MMA’s busiest  one-man marketing machine.”The Spider” appears in the latest commercial by Ford Brazil (above) and he puts on a pretty entertaining performance.


(Video courtesy of YouTube/StocktonHeyBuddy)

Anderson Silva continues to be MMA’s busiest  one-man marketing machine.”The Spider” appears in the latest commercial by Ford Brazil (above) and he puts on a pretty entertaining performance.

In recent months, the UFC middleweight champion has signed deals with the Brazilian branches of Burger King and Nike as well as a landmark sponsorship agreement with  the Corinthians pro soccer team. He also appeared onstage with Justin Bieber at a concert last month in Brazil and performed a choreographed dance routine to one of the teen pop star’s hits on Brazilian TV.

He’s lucky the customer wasn’t Heath Herring.

 

Superfight of the Century Alert: Art Jimmerson Calls out Kimbo Slice

Oh, great, vengeful God (or Zorp), please let this happen. If you can allow Razor Ramone to be assisted off his wheelchair, only to be repeatedly kicked and hit with steel chairs in front of an audience of less than 500 people, then surely you can allow this to happen. In a recent interview with MMAfighting.com, none other than Art Jimmerson, the man behind the most embarrassing loss in UFC History, challenged the former Youtube sensation, MoneyTalks star, UFC fighter, and 2-0 boxer Kevin “Kimbo Slice” Ferguson to a boxing match, stating:

Oh, great, vengeful God (or Zorp), please let this happen. If you can allow Razor Ramone to be assisted off his wheelchair, only to be repeatedly kicked and hit with steel chairs in front of an audience of less than 500 people, then surely you can allow this to happen. In a recent interview with MMAfighting.com, none other than Art Jimmerson, the man behind the most embarrassing loss in UFC History, challenged the former Youtube sensation, MoneyTalks star, UFC fighter, and 2-0 boxer Kevin “Kimbo Slice” Ferguson to a boxing match, stating:

Kimbo, I dare you. Right now, I want you and if you give me a chance to redeem myself as far as boxing… You can’t beat a real boxer. You can’t. I mean, right now, I respect you as an MMA fighter before but boxing… night and day. I’ve been there, I’ve done that and I’ve tried MMA, I failed. So now you’re in my ring. In my ring, I can’t be beat. I don’t care if it’s Royce Gracie or Kimbo Slice. It’s been a few years (since my last boxing match) but you gotta understand, I’m in the gym every day. … I don’t see him lasting three rounds with me. I want it to happen right now, me and Kimbo Slice. I’m calling him out.

And here you thought our buddy Ariel Helwani was just a shit stirrer. Jimmerson, now 48 years young, has actually risen from the ashes of his infamous defeat to become the current head boxing instructor at the UFC gym. When asked what he thought of Kimbo’s boxing success, “One Glove” went on to call Ferguson’s opponents “trash cans,” which, in all fairness, seems about right. And far be it from us to let the fact that Art hasn’t fought since 2002 and is on a string of 8 TKO losses (with 1 DQ thrown in) dating back to 1997 stop this match-up from happening. Because no amount of watching Tank Abbott continue his downward spiral will satiate our appetite for freak show fights, especially since we found out that the Ken Shamrock/James Toney match would not be going down. That left us really empty inside.

So, on an anticipation scale of 1 to 10, 1 being Andrei Arlovski vs. Travis Fulton 2, and 10 being Zimmer vs. Martinez 2, how stoked are you for this fight? Take the weekend to think this one over, Potato Nation.

-Danga