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Crazy Enough to Be True: Ten Wild MMA Predictions for 2015

(Heading into 2015, these are the two most famous people associated with MMA. I’ve got nothing snarky to add to that.)

By Seth Falvo

With yet another year coming to an end, CagePotato.com is reviving an old holiday tradition: MMA predictions for the upcoming year that are so wild and outrageous that some of them might actually come to fruition. If you’re looking to read statements along the lines of “JOSE ALDO REMAINS DOMINANT AT FEATHERWEIGHT YOU GUYZZZ,” kindly move along; there are plenty of other two-bit MMA writers “brave” enough to state such obvious things for you. Still here? Then let’s grab some eggnog and see what 2015 has in store for us.

1. CM Punk‘s First UFC Opponent Won’t Even Have a Sherdog Profile When the Fight Is First Announced.

Look, the last thing that I want to do is get all high and mighty about the UFC’s decision to sign CM Punk; the UFC is a sports entertainment company, so why wouldn’t they sign the hottest free agent in sports entertainment? But at the same time, Punk’s qualifications to fight in the major leagues are non-existent. We’re dealing with a guy who, up to this point, has dabbled in jiu-jitsu and sparred a few times. Forget a UFC-caliber fighter — most people can’t even beat an experienced amateur fighter after less than a year of serious training. So let’s not even joke about whether or not CM Punk’s first UFC opponent will have his own Wikipedia page, because he obviously won’t. If the UFC expects any sane athletic commission to sanction a bout featuring Punk, they’re going to have to find somebody so obscure that not even the folks at Sherdog will know who he is.

2. A Member of the Official UFC Rankings Committee Is Accused of Partaking in a “Pay for Rankings” Scandal.

(Heading into 2015, these are the two most famous people associated with MMA. I’ve got nothing snarky to add to that.)

By Seth Falvo

1. CM Punk‘s First UFC Opponent Won’t Even Have a Sherdog Profile When the Fight Is First Announced.

2. A Member of the Official UFC Rankings Committee Is Accused of Partaking in a “Pay for Rankings” Scandal.

You know what really warms my heart? When people say things like “The UFC Rankings wouldn’t be so awful if the UFC got REAL JOURNALISTS” and “There’s no REAL JOURNALISM in MMA.” Completely lost on these people is that sports journalism is inherently fanboy writing designed to tell people what they want to believe and avoid hard-hitting topics, and that real journalists tend to cover real topics where they can make (comparatively) real money and not have to work second jobs. What, you didn’t think that the overwhelming majority of MMA writers cover this sport as their only sources of income, did you? Oh man, aren’t you just precious!

This is all to say that the moment the UFC announced how the official rankings will directly affect fighter pay, there likely was a manager who sent every member of the rankings panel an envelope full of cash and a convenient list of every fighter he manages. If that hasn’t already happened, it almost assuredly will once the new system actually kicks in next year.

3. A UFC Champion Sells The Right to Select His/Her Walkout Music.

We’ve seen independent music labels sponsor fighters before, sometimes with hilarious results. But I’m not necessarily talking about that: I’m saying that with even champions starting to wonder how their money is going to be affected by the UFC/Reebok deal, don’t be surprised to see one of them offer up the right to select his or her walkout music to the highest bidder in 2015. If you’re the person who ends up paying for the right to select a fighter’s entrance theme, I have one request: More “Badstreet, USA,” please.

4.) Brandon Vera Holds Belts in Two Different Weight Classes Simultaneously.

…I mean, it’s not like ONE FC has an overabundance of competition for him.

5.) Ben Askren: UFC Welterweight.

“But Seth,” you may be thinking, “Dana White says that Askren will never fight in the UFC!” To which I reply, well, great point. Women will never fight in the Octagon, Kimbo Slice will get killed in the UFC [Ed. Note: *sigh* Damn it, Houston…], and Phillipe Nover is GSP 2.0.

6.) A Fight-Fixing Scandal Rocks a Major MMA Organization.

So, Bellator is serious about bringing in professional wrestlers to act out dramatic storylines before what they assure us will be totally legitimate fights? Yeeeaaahhh…this may end poorly. For further reading — and as to not take the obvious route and single out Bellator — please refer to “Why I Fixed Fights” by Charles Farrell and “You Have Probably Watched a Fixed Fight in the UFC” by Mike Fagan.

7.) Rampage Jackson Goes Full Filho Mid-Fight.

Or perhaps more accurately, Rampage Jackson will go full “Mitch ‘Blood’ Green against Bruce Johnson.” Rampage has apparently re-signed with the UFC — despite the fact that he did nothing but whine about how awful the UFC was when he was last with the promotion — although Bellator seems prepared to battle the UFC in court for the right to keep booking him. There is no winner here. If Bellator actually thinks they’re getting one more legitimate fight out of ‘Page, they’re hopelessly delusional. And if the UFC actually thinks that a guy with Jackson’s persecution complex isn’t going to cause trouble this time around, well, I’m not sue that the English language has a word for that. I can see Rampage — frustrated by his position with the only two MMA companies who can afford to bring him in — allowing his next fight devolve into a certified catastrophe.

8.) Tito Ortiz: Bellator Light-Heavyweight Champion.

TITO IS BACK, BABY! Okay, so that’s a gigantic stretch. But seeing how easily the aforementioned Rampage Jackson effortlessly dispose of former Bellator champion Christian M’Pumbu, I wouldn’t be surprised at all to watch Tito Ortiz take home the second-most valuable Light-Heavyweight Championship in MMA.

9.) Matt Riddle: Professional Wrestling Champion.

You remember Matt Riddle, right? TUF castmember, UFC welterweight, likeable stoner? The one with the longish hair and the mushroom tattoo? Yeah, he’s training to be a professional wrestler now. I see no reason why an indie wrestling organization won’t put a title around his waist in 2015.

And now, let’s bring everything full-circle and end with another Phil Brooks prediction:

10.) CM Punk Walks Out on the UFC.

The guy who walked out on the WWE over mistreatment from both the WWE and the professional wrestling fans who’ve never wrestled a day in their lives, yet think they know everything about being a wrestler. He then signs with the UFC, seemingly convinced that the UFC isn’t exploitative at all whatsoever and that MMA fans are the most respectful people alive. Well, Mr. Brooks, to borrow a quote from one of your former colleagues, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news…

CagePotato Roundtable #29: What’s Your Wildest MMA Prediction for 2014?

(2014: The year that Dana White buys this dog. For Bjorn Rebney. Too soon?)

When former CagePotato.com contributor Jason Moles announced his retirement in 2013, it appeared that there wouldn’t be a “Crazy Enough to be True” predictions column for 2014. Rather than let the opportunity to make outlandish assumptions about the state of our favorite sport pass us up, we’ve decided to offer our wildest ideas in the form of a CagePotato Roundtable. Read on for our picks, share yours in the comments section, and please continue to send your ideas for future CagePotato Roundtable topics to [email protected].

Ben Goldstein

(Mariusz Pudzianowski defends his UFC Poland Super-Heavyweight Title against honorary polack Bob Sapp. / Photo via Sherdog)

Though the UFC once laid claim to the title of fastest-growing sport, the promotion has begun to hit its ceiling in the United States. And they know it — which is why they’ve been pushing so hard for World Fucking Domination lately. After finding major success in international markets like Canada and Brazil, the UFC has been busy laying the groundwork in overseas locales as far-flung as Singapore, India, Turkey, and Poland.

The problem is, none of these upcoming markets have the talent pool available to produce a world champion in the foreseeable future. Or a top contender. Or a fighter who could credibly compete anywhere on a pay-per-view main card. That’s why I’m predicting that 2014 will see the unveiling of individual UFC titles for countries/continents. I mean, Vitor Belfort is already the middleweight champion of Brazil, right? They might as well give him a belt and make it official.

(2014: The year that Dana White buys this dog. For Bjorn Rebney. Too soon?)

Ben Goldstein

(Mariusz Pudzianowski defends his UFC Poland Super-Heavyweight Title against honorary polack Bob Sapp. / Photo via Sherdog)

Case in point: TUF China debuted last month. Coached by a UFC near-washout and a guy you’ve never heard of, the season will produce a completely irrelevant winner, who’s only fit to beat up other irrelevant curtain-jerkers from countries that aren’t the U.S., Brazil, Canada, or England. While the novelty of seeing native Chinese fighters (or Turkish fighters, or Polish fighters, etc.) will get local fans tuning in, eventually the UFC will have to throw these people a bone to keep them happy, because watching your home country’s fighters get smashed as soon as they face legitimate competition isn’t fun.

And so, the UFC will do the smart thing and have these guys/gals fight exclusively within their own borders for secondary titles. And maybe, if one of these regional champs goes on a long win streak, he/she will be called up to the prelims of a UFC on FOX Sports 1 card, where you might actually get to see them compete. Until then, us North Americans will only be able to watch the UFC’s new regional superstars on that digital subscription service thingy they’re selling, and if you think we’re coughing up any more money to the UFC for that bullshit, you are out of your got-damn mind.

Nathan Smith

It is well known that UFC President Dana White is a loose cannon when he is in front of a camera or a microphone. The “Baldfather” has no filter and basically shoots from the hip no matter the topic, the fighter, or the reporter in his crosshairs. He has taken some heat for profanity-laced rants in the past, but there has never been any real punishment from the Fertitta brothers (at least not publicly).

After Georges St. Pierre’s somewhat cryptic and confusing comments with Joe Rogan following his UFC 167 victory, Dana White launched into a diatribe at the post-fight press conference saying that GSP owed the UFC something more. Fast forward a day or two and Lorenzo Fertitta backtracked on White’s words by basically apologizing (even though he never actually said “Sorry”). In the past, Fertitta has never come to cover White but after the amount of flack being thrown because of White’s comments, it was evident that some things needed to be clarified.

Though White’s obscenity-filled tirades have been far and few between as of late, it is only a matter of time before Mount Dana erupts. When he does — because of falling ratings, a network deal that has not produced as expected or a slew of other factors — I believe that the Fertittas will in fact publicly chastise White. Whether it is a fine or a suspension or just a good old fashioned public tongue lashing, White will finally be the one on the other end of a heated lecture (and he will have earned it after the years of insensitive comments he has made).

Jared Jones

(Photo via Getty Images.)

Between 2010 and 2011, Matt Brown went 1-4 in the octagon, with all of those losses coming via second round submission. Although not one member of the MMA media dared say it to his face, they had all but written him off as just another slightly above-average TUF alum who couldn’t hack it in the big leagues. “Get out of here!” they’d shout once he had turned his back, “Why can’t you just go back to where you came from?

I don’t know if Brown wished upon a shooting star or sold his soul to the SKOAL Gods in return for Jax fists, but something amazing happened when he reemerged in 2012. Something…supernatural. Come to think of it, it was probably voodoo.

In the past two years, Matt Brown has gone 6-0 in the octagon with 5 TKOs. Five. Brown has fought like a man possessed (by voodoo), scoring wins over young guns (Jordan Mein), crafty veterans (Mike Swick), and previously undefeated hype machines (Stephen Thompson) alike. His last performance against Mike Pyle was, by definition, a flawless victory. Of all the career comebacks we witnessed in 2013, Brown’s was far-and-away the most impressive, if only because of the utter mediocrity that preceded it. In fact, of the nominees we listed in our “Most Unexpected Career Comebacks” roundtable last March, only Brown and Cub Swanson have managed to remain undefeated to this day. No, GSP *doesn’t* count, because he was defeated by both Johny Hendricks and old age.

What is the point of all this hyperbolic, redundant, and mostly fabricated backstory? Only that Brown has entered the prime of his career and is destroying whoever is placed before him with a combination of Zen-like tranquility and Pedro Lopez-like brutality. The dude is untouchable, “Immortal” you might even say (*crickets*). Like Bernie in Weekend at Bernie’s 2 when conga music is playing (which again, voodoo). And now that GSP has decided to step away from the sport, the UFC’s welterweight division has transformed from a grappler’s purgatory into a brawler’s paradise. Lawler vs. Hendricks will most likely be a slugfest for the ages, and when title fights are suddenly being decided by who can stand and trade leather the longest, Brown is as good a candidate as any to get that gold.

Until he done went and slipped his disc again, that is, forcing him out of his fight with Carlos Condit and the title shot that would’ve come after he won via murder. But rest assured, the year of ~~The Rhino~~ ~~The California Kid~~ “The Immortal” is coming. And that year is 2014.

Seth Falvo

Believe it or not, things are actually much worse for TNA Impact! Wrestling than they were merely two months ago when I first wrote about their sad state of affairs. As in, “holding shows in high school gymnasiums” worse. I firmly believe that 2014 will be the year that this company finally kicks the bucket, to the apathy of nearly every wrestling fan on the planet. And the wrestlers proudly featured in the company’s final pay-per-view main event when this happens? Don’t hold your breath waiting for one of them to be AJ Styles. Same goes with Jeff Jarrett. Ditto Samoa Joe, Christopher Daniels, Abyss, and anyone else whose name was once synonymous with the company.

No, Rampage Jackson and Tito Ortiz will be the ones headlining TNA Impact! Wrestling’s final pay-per-view.

Yeah, I know how everyone this side of Parts Unknown rolled their eyes at Rampage and Tito’s appearances in TNA last year, but the company is losing so much money and has so few wrestlers left that I think Viacom sends these two once-strong pay-per-view draws back to TNA Impact! Wrestling as a last-ditch effort to find people willing to buy a TNA pay-per-view. Sure, even the most brain-dead among us *looks directly at Jared…who is holding up a mirror. Well played.* can see the holes in this logic, but desperate times call for desperate measures; this is especially true when you consider that Viacom brought in Rampage and Tito to headline a pay-per-view in the first place. This will obviously end badly — even for a company that considers 50,000 buys a smashing success — leading TNA Impact! to close its doors shortly afterwards.

Sure, the idea of Rampage Jackson and Tito Ortiz headlining the final TNA Impact! Wrestling pay-per-view is completely ludicrous, but if you expect anything different from Dixie Carter, you’ve clearly never actually watched one of her company’s shows. Oh how I envy your ignorance.

And finally, here’s Doug “ReX13″ Richardson to wrap things up.

Frustrated by dwindling PPV buys, Dana White starts hinting at “big fucking changes, like, huge” coming to Fox. Speculation abounds.

Zuffa announces that it is resurrecting Strikeforce for a new weekly primetime show on FS1. In a stunning move, Scott Coker returns to captain the ship, and “Wednesday Night Strikeforce” is born. His decision to include occasional kickboxing bouts in the broadcasts is hailed as visionary, as “WNS” quickly outstrips viewership numbers from the TUF lead-in. Meanwhile, UFC PPV cards are cut back to eight per year, and buy rates promptly skyrocket.

Coker leads the fight for better pay of fighters, proposing a tiered salary system that guarantees a minimum $48K to fighters under the Strikeforce banner. He suggests a format change to the now-ubiquitous Ultimate Fighter program, which now sports no less than eight spinoffs across the world. His idea, a weekly interview and highlight show recounting the various incarnations of TUF worldwide, is embraced by the blogosphere, but roundly rejected by White, as is the salary gambit.

Tensions between Coker and White continue to mount for the remainder of 2014. In December, Dana White and Scott Coker both start hinting at “big fucking changes, like, huge” coming to Zuffa. Speculation abounds.

Have your own “crazy enough to be true” predictions for 2014? You know what to do.

Crazy Enough to Be True: Ten Wild MMA Predictions for 2013

(You see, kids, this is why we don’t break the fourth rule of Project Mayhem. Photo via Complex)

By Jason Moles

As is customary, nay tradition, around these parts, we’re hitting the eggnog early and often this week — thus, the obligatory Top 10 list to close out another year in the world of mixed martial arts. It’s not all fluff, though: Last year we predicted a champion would test positive for a banned substance and Brock Lesnar would retire. Not bad, huh? So grab a seat while we break out the crystal ball and see what 2013 has in store for us.

1.) Showtime stays in the MMA biz, will announce deal with Invicta FC and others.

MMA is just too popular to completely wash your hands of. Showtime may finally be done with Strikeforce, but that only means they’re now free to partner up with the likes of all-female Invicta FC or the World Series of Fighting, both of which could be looking for more permanent homes after their early success in 2012. Don’t let the Invicta PPV news fool you; they can’t win that battle. No matter who inks the deal, expect Showtime to counter-program at least one UFC event.

2.) A Ronda Rousey loss brings about the swift execution of women’s MMA in the UFC.

(You see, kids, this is why we don’t break the fourth rule of Project Mayhem. Photo via Complex)

By Jason Moles

1.) Showtime stays in the MMA biz, will announce deal with Invicta FC and others.

2.) A Ronda Rousey loss brings about the swift execution of women’s MMA in the UFC.

After amputating what’s her name in February, Rowdy will move on to calling out every woman possible who she knows cannot make 135 — especially Cyborg. In what comes as a major surprise to fight fans around the globe, Gina Carano accepts her open challenge (perfect timing to publicize her upcoming role in Fast 6) in late spring/early summer. “Conviction” TKO’s her way to victory then ships off to work on the chick version of The Expendables never to return to the cage. Dana White will be inconsolable but manages to release the handful of remaining women under Zuffa contract that don’t parade around in shorty shorts and a push-up bra.

3.) The Ultimate Fighter coaching curse ends in season 17. Jon Jones vs. Chael Sonnen will take place as scheduled — guaranteed.

Hear me out on this one. Just like you, the Injury Bug desperately wants to see this fight, either to see that ~~fake-ass~~ white boy Sonnen get savaged or to watch Jonny Bones get knocked down a peg or two. That’s right, neither Jones nor Sonnen will become injured prior to their bout on April 27th. How can I guarantee something so outlandish? Suffice it to say we have our ways of getting things done.

4.) Dana White announces his retirement*.

A man can only go so hard for so long before his body tosses in the towel. Dana White’s battle with Meniere’s Disease combined with international travel will have finally caught up with MMA’s Moses. You’ll all kick yourself for not seeing this coming sooner. First it was a missed event, then it was two. Next thing you knew, DFW was running the broadcasts from his bunker in Vegas. During the breaking interview, Ariel Helwani will shower White with tremendous praise and wish him the best in his future endeavors while trying to keep a straight face on The MMA Hour because he was briefed on the regime change months ago. Helwani nose.

5.) An A-list celebrity tries his hand at MMA.

My sources cannot confirm, but the word on the street is that both CM Punk and Justin Bieber are looking to cash in on the MMA craze before the bubble bursts in 2014. ($%&@! I’ve said too much already.) You already know that Punk is a Gracie trained white belt, but did you know that the annoying little Bieber kid could throw down? Me either, at least not until I saw this. One guy is always one pipe bomb away from the unemployment line and the other, well… has the testosterone of Alistair Overeem at a random drug test, which means he’s constantly in a state of “Come at me, bro!” These two savvy businessmen are too smart to leave money on the table so they nut up and get in the cage. But you can bet your last dollar “Biebs” won’t be fighting when the Octagon comes rolling into the Philippines.

*Announcement scheduled for 04/01/13.

Hit the “next page” link for even more Nostradumas-like predictions that will make us look like geniuses later…

Crazy Enough to Be True: Ten Wild MMA Predictions For 2011

("…three…two…one…Happy New Year! Damn, take it again, Brock had another stroke.")
By CagePotato.com contributor Jason Moles
2010 is in the books, and MMA fans and fighters alike have endured tremendous highs and lows. Who would hav…

("…three…two…one…Happy New Year! Damn, take it again, Brock had another stroke.")

By CagePotato.com contributor Jason Moles

2010 is in the books, and MMA fans and fighters alike have endured tremendous highs and lows. Who would have guessed that The Last Emperor, Brock Lesnar, BJ Penn and the WEC would all collapse this year? Who could imagine that Chael Sonnen would accuse Lance Armstrong of giving himself cancer, then test positive for a banned substance? Ironic? You bet. But enough about last year — a new decade is upon us. Here are ten predicitions that will sound ridiculous until they actually happen in 2011…

1. MMA will be sanctioned in New York.
While watching WEC bid adieu, I couldn’t help but notice the commercials for the PBR (Professional Bull Riding) at MSG (Madison Square Garden). Pro bull riding averages 1 to 2 deaths per year — that’s not including amateurs, sometimes children, participating at the county fair. Regardless of what Bob Reilly has to say, this is a no-brainer that only the likes of the M-1 management team could foul up. MMA will be sanctioned in New York in ’11, even if we have to blackmail a senator to make it happen.

2. GSP will relinquish his Welterweight title to change weight classes.
Jake Shields blah, blah, blah — Georges St. Pierre is indestructible and will wipe the floor with him, or at least dry hump him to death. With his ‘le-gacy’ secured, he can bump weight classes and test the waters in the process in becoming the best mixed martial artist from Canada with an extra ‘s’ in his name OF ALL TIME.

3. Dana White will coin a new phrase.
"You want to be a %^&@$#! fighter?" and "Never leave it in the hands of the judges." will be replaced by something catchy like "Don’t cross the boss." Oh, wait, that one’s already taken. How about "Go big or go home," or "Suns out, guns out"? I never said it would be original — just catchy.

The 7 Worst Predictions in CagePotato History

As the saying goes, "Men make MMA predictions and God laughs." With that in mind, let’s revisit some of the most classic blunders in CP history, in chronological order. Good thing we’re completely unaccountable for the things we say here…

From: "Gambling Addiction Enabler: UFC 84 Edition" (The very first installment of the G.A.E.)
BG said: "Look, we know the Axe Murderer was a killer in PRIDE — but he needs to win a couple in the Octagon to convince me that he’s just as fearsome over here. Take away the use of soccer kicks and knees to the head on the ground, biased refs and judges, matchmaking that had him go up against opponents that were tailor-made for his style, (*cough*steroids*cough*), and the confidence that comes from never losing, and we’re not even talking about the same guy anymore. Silva won’t be doing any axe-murdering at UFC 84 — he’s going to be fighting not to lose, and will come out a much more cautious, tentative version of himself. Meanwhile, Jardine is surely working on another great game-plan with Greg Jackson, knowing that if he pulls off another big win his title shot will be waiting."
What happened: Wanderlei Silva via KO (rape choke), 0:36 of round 1. LOL @ Jardine’s "title shot."

From: "UFC 85: Bedlam — Ipecac Rematch Picks" (this article seems to have disappeared from the Internet; you can check out a screen-shot from my Google Reader here, and a little bit of backstory here.)
BG said: "Matt Hughes may be on the decline, and Thiago Alves is definitely on the come-up, but they haven’t passed each other yet, so to speak. Though Alves caught Karo Parisyan at UFC Fight Night 13, he’s failed in previous big tests against Spencer Fisher and Jon Fitch. Hughes may have trouble with Alves’s striking and youthful energy, and a submission victory is unlikely, but I can see the future Hall of Famer dominating the young challenger with his wrestling and grinding out a decision."
What happened: Matt Hughes got utterly ruined by the Pitbull’s striking and youthful energy; Alves via TKO, 1:02 of round 2. I lost bragging rights to Fightlinker, as well as the entire contents of my stomach.