Fight Night 45 was one of the most violent non-Fight for the Troops cards in UFC History, featuring an astounding nine finishes, 8 TKOs, and a six fight main card that not once required a judge’s input. My decision to spend most of the night ranting about Microsoft tech support notwithstanding, I thoroughly enjoyed what the card had to offer, from the prelim fights all the way up to the main event, which saw Donald Cerrone finish the damn-near unfinishable Jim Miller *twice* in their two round banger.
In one of those aforementioned prelim fights, Leslie Smith destroyed Ronda Rousey training partner (as she was introduced by Jon Anik) Jessamyn Duke in the first round, finishing her with a flurry of body shots, kicks, and knees that was Liddell vs. Ortiz-esque in terms of its volume. But it was only matter of time before the excuses started flying, and luckily, Duke’s training partner, Shayna Baszler, is here to jump on that grenade.
“For everyone asking, @jessamynduke broke her hand. Didn’t know what to do once Leslie turned it on when she couldn’t grab and circle off,” Baszler posted on Twitter shortly after the fight.
While I would disagree that Duke’s inability to circle off was less the cause of her demise than her inability to use her massive reach advantage to her…uh…advantage, the above photo posted to Duke’s instagram seems to indicate that her hand was indeed broken to shit. You can check out a few other photos of Duke’s hand over at the UG, but really, this comment by UG’er rrefs sums up Duke/Baszler’s excuse perfectly…
Fight Night 45 was one of the most violent non-Fight for the Troops cards in UFC History, featuring an astounding nine finishes, 8 TKOs, and a six fight main card that not once required a judge’s input. My decision to spend most of the night ranting about Microsoft tech support notwithstanding, I thoroughly enjoyed what the card had to offer, from the prelim fights all the way up to the main event, which saw Donald Cerrone finish the damn-near unfinishable Jim Miller *twice* in their two round banger.
In one of those aforementioned prelim fights, Leslie Smith destroyed Ronda Rousey training partner (as she was introduced by Jon Anik) Jessamyn Duke in the first round, finishing her with a flurry of body shots, kicks, and knees that was Liddell vs. Ortiz-esque in terms of its volume. But it was only matter of time before the excuses started flying, and luckily, Duke’s training partner, Shayna Baszler, is here to jump on that grenade.
“For everyone asking, @jessamynduke broke her hand. Didn’t know what to do once Leslie turned it on when she couldn’t grab and circle off,” Baszler posted on Twitter shortly after the fight.
While I would disagree that Duke’s inability to circle off was less the cause of her demise than her inability to use her massive reach advantage to her…uh…advantage, the above photo posted to Duke’s instagram seems to indicate that her hand was indeed broken to shit. You can check out a few other photos of Duke’s hand over at the UG, but really, this comment by UG’er rrefs sums up Duke/Baszler’s excuse perfectly…
In other Fight Night 45 medical news, Jim Miller caught an indefinite suspension pending an x-ray on his right forearm and stomach following his loss to Cowboy Cerrone. Joe Proctor, on the other hand, got off easy with a 30 day suspension despite the fact that he apparently had a golf ball lodged into the side of his cranium midway through his eventual TKO win over Justin Salas.
The rest of the Fight Night 45 medical suspension are below, via MMAWeekly.
-Evan Dunham was suspended for 30 days with no contact for a TKO loss.
-Justin Salas was suspended for 30 days with no contact for TKO loss and for facial laceration healing.
-Alptekin Ozkilic was suspended for 30 days with no contact for TKO loss. He was also suspended indefinitely pending the results of a CT head scan.
-Alex White was suspended for 45 days for right eye laceration healing, as well as 30 days with no contact for a knockout loss. He was also suspended indefinitely pending the results of a CT head scan and neurological examination.
-Hugo Viana was suspended for 30 days with no contact for a TKO loss.
-Tina Lahdemaki was suspended for 60 days with no contact for recovery. She was also suspended indefinitely pending opthalmological clearance of her right eye.
One final note: Chris Lytle joined the FS1 team earlier this week, and his first night of fight-calling featured more body shots and all out wars than any card in recent memory. Coincidence? No, no it is not.
(If you were a guest on that gay Indian party bus and want to share your story, please e-mail [email protected].)
Thanks to everyone who submitted stories for today’s crowd-sourced edition of the CagePotato Roundtable. We’ve selected 12 tales from the pile — ranging from drama to comedy to horror — and we’ll begin with a story that comes to us from an actual pro fighter, involving one of MMA’s greatest out-of-the-cage rivalries…
Sal Woods
A few years ago I fought on the Strikeforce: Lawler vs. Shields card. While at weigh-ins I was obviously star-struck from being at Al Hrabosky’s with a room full of legends and badasses. The only guy I had the balls to say what’s up to was Nick Diaz. He was completely cool and super polite, he said hi and introduced himself to the entire table (my cornermen, shaking each one’s hand). We were just shooting the shit about how it was my first time on a big card and that I was fighting T-Wood. I was thinking this dude is nothing like the interviews I have watched.
All of a sudden he looks over and sees Joe Riggs and almost flips shit, starts telling his corner guys “there’s that little bitch right there!” Looks over a crowd of people and called Riggs a punk bitch. Then Gil and someone else walked him away/cooled him down. Proved that if Nick doesn’t like you and fights you he may fight you again in the hospital and almost again at completely different fight’s weigh-in!
Noah “Jewjifshoe” Ferreira
You guys all remember Dan Barrera from TUF 6, right? Well I met him during a math class in the Fall of 2011 and it was one of the weirdest experiences I’ve ever had.
(If you were a guest on that gay Indian party bus and want to share your story, please e-mail [email protected].)
Thanks to everyone who submitted stories for today’s crowd-sourced edition of the CagePotato Roundtable. We’ve selected 12 tales from the pile — ranging from drama to comedy to horror — and we’ll begin with a story that comes to us from an actual pro fighter, involving one of MMA’s greatest out-of-the-cage rivalries…
Sal Woods
A few years ago I fought on the Strikeforce: Lawler vs. Shields card. While at weigh-ins I was obviously star-struck from being at Al Hrabosky’s with a room full of legends and badasses. The only guy I had the balls to say what’s up to was Nick Diaz. He was completely cool and super polite, he said hi and introduced himself to the entire table (my cornermen, shaking each one’s hand). We were just shooting the shit about how it was my first time on a big card and that I was fighting T-Wood. I was thinking this dude is nothing like the interviews I have watched.
All of a sudden he looks over and sees Joe Riggs and almost flips shit, starts telling his corner guys “there’s that little bitch right there!” Looks over a crowd of people and called Riggs a punk bitch. Then Gil and someone else walked him away/cooled him down. Proved that if Nick doesn’t like you and fights you he may fight you again in the hospital and almost again at completely different fight’s weigh-in!
Noah “Jewjifshoe” Ferreira
You guys all remember Dan Barrera from TUF 6, right? Well I met him during a math class in the Fall of 2011 and it was one of the weirdest experiences I’ve ever had.
There was a guy across the room in my math class who kept talking and interrupting the class, mumbling things about The Ultimate Fighter. I couldn’t help but think that I had seen him somewhere before. The guy got up and said something like, “Sorry to interrupt your class, I’m here for my cousin to get notes, his girl is pregnant. Thanks. Ultimate Fighter, UFC, peace.” Then he left and we thought it was over. But in the same way that an obsessive ex-boyfriend keeps popping up in closets and dressing rooms long after the breakup, Mr. Barrera was not willing to let this end. When we went into the computer lab to continue the class, there he was.
He was speaking with different people, who were mostly trying to ignore his ramblings. I, however, felt like a moth being drawn to his glowing beam of crazy. So I asked him what he was talking about and he pulled up a picture on one of the computers showing Dan Barrera weighing in for a fight. “Oh shit, you’re Dan Barrera. Yeah, you fought Ben Saunders.” To which he replied, ”Yeah and I beat him too, I put this hand through his face.”
Sure, I remember him getting a good shot in on Saunders, but Barrera would have us believe he easily won that fight. That is obviously not true, Saunders beat him…twice. Once during the show and once at the finale. Of course, when a mentally unstable, possibly cracked up pro fighter says something like that, I figured I should just let it slide. I find truth and reason don’t mean much to a deranged person.
Then he handed me a magazine article which featured him dressed as a cowboy, looking like he was ready to participate in a rodeo. As any normal person would do, Barrera asked me to read it aloud to the class. After graciously declining, he decided to read it instead, knowing the wisdom was too great NOT to share.
As he did so, I just had to wonder why this guy was crashing a college math class. Why is he showing pictures of himself on the Internet and reading aloud a magazine article featuring himself? I knew Dan was a little nutty from watching TUF, but squirrel shit has nothing on this guy.
Once the article was finished, it was time to leave us all with something really important to think about. Getting into preach mode, he actually pulled a Bible out of his pocket and said (to the best of my memory):
Do you see this? This is the word, it’s the word of our savior. How manyletters does law have in it? Who knows that? How many letters does law havein it? Don’t be scared. *writes “law” on the white board* It has three lettersin it. How many letters does God have? Don’t be scared, it has threeletters. You see? God made the law and his word is law. Now how many linesdoes an ‘A’ have? It has 3 lines. What’s three times three?…
That’s about all I can remember before the teacher came in and asked him to leave. I hope Mr. Barrera was on some good coke or meth, because honestly, if he’s like that sober he is not of this world.
Anytime I feel as though I’m losing my grips on reality, I just remember this experience and feel as though everything will be ok. Perhaps that was the true wisdom of Mr. Barrera. Thank you sir, you have helped change one person’s life for the better.
Derek C.
My brother and I were in Vancouver for UFC 115. Being from Winnipeg, we checked into our hotel downtown. The lady who checked us in said her husband was in charge of the hotel where all the fighters were staying and tipped us off on its location. (Thanks check-in lady!).
As soon as we got to the hotel we spotted Chuck’s trainer John Hackleman so we knew we were in the right spot. Moments later we ran into the Iceman himself so we were pretty stoked already. Then we saw Jon Fitch standing by himself checking in. And we continued to let him stand by himself because it’s Jon Fitch so who fuckin’ cares?
Walking back outside we recognized a chubby Asian dude but couldn’t quite figure out who it was. That is until it dawned on us, he wasn’t Asian at all but Diego Sanchez. Being a big fan of his we asked if we could get a picture with him. If you look at the picture, it is literally three seconds after Diego whispered in my ear, “Yo, I’m in Canada, land
of the good shit. You got any chronic you can hook me up with?” Being from Canada of course we did.
But it was back at our hotel. He said come back and we’d blaze up in his hotel room before he had to make some club appearance. Getting baked with the Diego sounded rad to us so we made the short trek and back. When we got there though he said he had to get going. But we gave him a joint or two anyways seeing as he was all chubby and still depressed from the beatdown BJ gave him months earlier. Maybe we didn’t get high with the Nightmare, but we were happy to hook him up with the best shit in the world
Fight Chix was started by Elisabeth and I back in 2006. I was doing design work for a company called STATS — we developed a statistical system like Fight Metric (before Fight Metric) and used it with the IFL. So I headed up that project and Elisabeth and I also used the networking as a spring board to launch Fight Chix.
Well it was May 19, 2007, and we were at the hotel bar in Hoffman Estates by the Sears Center. We were enjoying some drinks with Bas Rutten and Tiffany Fallon. Typically hanging out with Bas at a bar is an event unto itself, but this evening the focus was on a former champion who has recently lost his belt to Randy Couture. Elisabeth excused herself to use the ladies room and returned to the table PISSED. On her way back, Tim Sylvia was sitting with his feet up on a chair and blocked Elisabeth’s path back to our group. He was also with a group of fighters from the Miletich camp.
Tim looked up and said “So what is this Fight Chix thing” to which Elisabeth replied “It’s my clothing line. It’s for female fighters and fans of MMA.” Tim kinda laughed and responded with “Well that’s dumb, why would you start a clothing line for women, when its not a woman’s sport?” Several of Tim’s friends kinda laughed and Elisabeth stood her ground. “Really Tim? So there are no mothers, wives, sisters, or girlfriends that support you when you go into the cage? There aren’t fighters like Tara Larosa, Roxanne Modafferi or Julie Kedzie who train and compete just as hard? And if it wasn’t for women, you wouldn’t be here, now would you Tim?! Are we done here?!”
And Elisabeth walked back to our table as the Miletich camp cheered in a “you just got served” kinda way for Elisabeth. The result of this encounter was absolutely no bad blood for Tim Sylvia or anyone in his camp. It really lit a fire that still burns today, to be the best MMA Lifestyle brand out there for female fans and fighters. We know Tim isworking hard to get back in the UFC and we wish him well — and we thank him for his comment that was the gasoline on the fire of success.
Mike Osso
My friend’s wife works at NBC and became friends with Dana from seeing him in the building. He got her free tickets to UFC 128 in Newark since she was pregnant and her husband (my friend) are UFC enthusiasts. We didn’t know where we would be sitting until we got to the arena and picked up our tickets. Turns out they were great — 20 feet away from the cage, second row in the arena. The only better seats were the few rows of folding chairs set up on the floor. Our seats were directly behind who I now know was Tiki Ghosn. I have no direct pics of him from fear of him punching me in the face, but I do have pics from the night and other UFC fighters who came into our seating area because it was so close. The following story is 100% true and can be verified by the three other people with me.
So me, my friend, his wife, and her friend get to the Prudential Center in Newark, NJ, and pick up our reserved VIP tickets that Dana White was kind enough to set aside for us. We get there early, as people are starting to fill up the arena. We sit behind this bald man with a weird beard, all alone, who no one pays attention to. We all love the UFC and this was our first event, and were like little children on Christmas spitting out all our UFC knowledge and excitement for the night. The undercard fights are starting, and there she is, Arianny Celeste, holding the ring card 25 feet in front of me. Me and my friend go nuts, as I yell out, “OMG! It’s Arianny, she’s so fucking hot, she’s dated so many UFC fighters, what a slut.”
Then, the bald man with the weird beard turns around, looks at me, and says “You should watch what you say, that’s my girlfriend.” I just get mad that this guy says this to me, so I respond “Oh yea, and who the hell are you?”, not thinking that this is a UFC fighter, since I have been a fan for about five years and have never seen him. Tiki responds “How long have you been a fan of the UFC?” I say, “About five years, why?” He says, “Well then you wouldn’t know me” and turns around.
I am now pissed that he stops talking so I jump on my Blackberry and google “Arianny Celeste’s boyfriend,” and the first choice that comes up on Google is “Arianny dating ufc fighter Troy Burkham” [Ed. note: He means Josh Burkman] so I tap Tiki on the shoulder and say “Hey man, are you Troy Burkham?” This seemed to infuriate him, and he responds “No, I’m Tiki Ghosn.” I laugh, and say, oh ok sorry man then I Googled him and saw that he used to be a UFC fighter. I then proceeded to say, “Hey man, I’m sorry” again and he said “Yeah, yeah, no problem” in a pissed off tone.
Me and my group had an awkward silence for the next couple minutes as we did not want to anger an old UFC fighter, but by the time the next fight came on we were loud and crazy again. Nothing else was said the rest of the night, except every time a fighter that came into the crowd or that I saw would come into view I’d yell out “OMG it’s…….” just to let him know I was a UFC fan, and I did know almost all past and present relevant fighters. The real highlight of the trip was getting my Jon Jones Form shirt autographed by Rashad Evans before they were really beefing, I still have it hanging in my room. Hope you enjoyed my story about how I almost got into a fight with an ex UFC fighter for calling his girlfriend a slut lol.
David Nadeau I got to roll with Shane Carwin while training BJJ in Boulder. I use the term “roll” loosely, of course. He passed my butterfly guard in a heartbeat, crushed me in side position, and laughed a little. I apologized for wasting his time.
[Ed. note: Short, sweet, and to the point. Cool story, bro.]
On the next page: A brutal cockblocking by Bas Rutten, an unexpected staredown with Chuck Liddell, and Viva Hate’s tale of black-on-black crime at the Boston Fan Expo.
Every great sport has been built on the backs of men who absolutely sucked at it — athletes whose hapless failures made the champions’ triumphs look even more outstanding by comparison. Baseball has its Mario Mendozas, its Bob Kammeyers, its Pete Rose Jrs. We have our Joe Sons, our Tiki Ghosns, our James Toneys. So in honor of the brave competitors who proved that MMA is even harder than it looks, we humbly present this “tribute” to the worst UFC fighters of all time.
A couple of notes to start: 1) We chose fighters solely based on their performances inside the Octagon. Some of these fighters achieved great things in other organizations, before or after their time in the UFC; for the purposes of this feature, we’re not really interested in that. 2) Instead of ranking one form of suckitude against another, we’ll group the 50 fighters into sections and arrange them chronologically. Use the links below to navigate, and if we omitted anybody notable, please let us know in the comments section.
Every great sport has been built on the backs of men who absolutely sucked at it — athletes whose hapless failures made the champions’ triumphs look even more outstanding by comparison. Baseball has its Mario Mendozas, its Bob Kammeyers, its Pete Rose Jrs. We have our Joe Sons, our Tiki Ghosns, our James Toneys. So in honor of the brave competitors who proved that MMA is even harder than it looks, we humbly present this “tribute” to the worst UFC fighters of all time.
A couple of notes to start: 1) We chose fighters solely based on their performances inside the Octagon. Some of these fighters achieved great things in other organizations, before or after their time in the UFC; for the purposes of this feature, we’re not really interested in that. 2) Instead of ranking one form of suckitude against another, we’ll group the 50 fighters into sections and arrange them chronologically. Use the links below to navigate, and if we omitted anybody notable, please let us know in the comments section.
When “Style vs. Style” usually meant “Talented vs. Untalented.”
1. Art Jimmerson (UFC record: 0-1) Sole appearance: UFC 1, 11/12/93
Even before we really understood what the UFC was, it was clear that Art Jimmerson didn’t belong there. What was a one-gloved boxer going to accomplish in a no-holds-barred fighting competition? In the end, the glove gimmick was completely beside the point. Jimmerson wasn’t able to land a single punch with either hand before he was taken down by early franchise star Royce Gracie, and tapped out before Gracie even got a chance to sink a submission hold. These days, Art is gainfully employed as the head boxing instructor at the UFC Gym in Rosemead, California, and spends his free time calling out Kimbo Slice. Legend.
2. Fred Ettish (0-1) Sole appearance: UFC 2, 3/11/94
A kenpo karate stylist who wanted to challenge himself beyond point-fighting tournaments, Ettish sent a letter to Art Davie asking for a spot on UFC 2, and was brought on as a stand-by alternate when Ken Shamrock broke his hand before the event. But instead of letting Ettish warm up and keep focused backstage, the UFC tried to kill two birds with one stone by having Ettish wrangle fighters at the arena, Burt Watson-style. When Frank Hamaker injured his hand during his round-of-16 victory over Thaddeus Luster, shit got very real, very fast:
“I’d just brought up [Minoki] Ichihara, the guy who fought Royce in the first round. I was going downstairs to find the next fighter at the same time Rorion Gracie was coming up the stairs. He grabbed me by the arm and asked, ‘Are you ready to fight?’…I had to go find my guys in the crowd, drag them backstage, get my gear, stretch and try to get myself prepared. This all happened in about a 10-minute window, and I was headed out to the Octagon…I wasn’t able to get my mind right. I checked out psychologically.”
Johnny Rhodes destroyed him. Ettish’s front-kicks were more of an annoyance to his opponent than anything else, and by the time Rhodes knocked him to the mat and began firing strikes from above, Ettish only had the “earthquake defense” to protect him. Rhodes eventually won by way of a choke-hold that he seemed to have invented on the spot. Luckily, Ettish didn’t get discouraged. He went on to open a Pat Miletich-affiliated MMA gym, and returned to competition in 2009, scoring a first-round TKO of a guy who was half his age. See? Nice guys don’t always finish last.
3. Emmanuel Yarborough (0-1) Sole appearance: UFC 3, 9/9/94
Manny Yarborough proved that a 416-pound weight advantage was no advantage at all, especially if you have zero practical combat training outside of shoving other fat guys, and you can’t get off the floor without assistance. As soon as his opponent Keith Hackney landed a Hail Mary palm strike, Yarborough tumbled to the mat and nearly swallowed Hackney up in his massive gravitational pull. After a re-start due to Octagon gate-failure, Hackney pot-shotted Yarborough until he was able to knock the big sumo down again, then smashed Manny with blows from above until Big John McCarthy was forced to intervene. Yarborough wasn’t invited back to the UFC, though he did pick up a win via smother-submission during a Shooto fight four years later.
4. Joe Son (0-1) Sole appearance: UFC 4, 12/16/94
Maybe we’re biased, considering he’s arguably the worst person who ever competed in the UFC. When Joe Son cut his creepy UFC 4 promo in which he threatened to show us “the spirit of the Lord of Jesus Christ tonight,” nobody knew that he had participated in the horrifying kidnapping and gang-rape of a woman on Christmas Eve 1990, a crime that wouldn’t catch up to him until 2008. Once again, Keith Hackney played the role of regulator, repeatedly slugging Joe Son in the balls during their fight — perfectly legal back then, mind you — before making the “Joe Son Do” practitioner tap due to a choke.
How did a guy who never lost in the UFC make it onto this list? Well, just watch the video of Jon Hess‘s UFC 5 fight against Andy Anderson, and it’ll start to make a lot of sense. A co-founder of SAFTA — that’s Scientific Aggressive Fighting Technology of America, noob — Hess decided to pursue MMA after watching UFC 4 and concluding that he could beat Royce Gracie “very easily.” But once he got in the Octagon and started flailing around like a spaz, it wasn’t clear that he’d ever studied a real martial art. And despite his size advantage against Anderson, Hess resorted to blatant eye-gouging twice in order to get out of trouble.
In short, Hess was completely unathletic, would have been destroyed by any fighter his own size, and was most likely a total asshole to begin with. The UFC reportedly fined him $2,000 for his fouls and never allowed him back. In his second (and final) MMA fight the following year, Hess was invited to face Vitor Belfort at a SuperBrawl event on four days’ notice, and by the power of Christ, Belfort set the karmic balance back in order.
6. John Matua (0-1) Sole appearance: UFC 6, 7/14/95
And now, the internal monologue of everybody who watched UFC 6 live: “Damn, John Matua looks like a beast. Did Michael Buffer just say he studies the ‘brutal Hawaiian art of bone-breaking?’ Yeesh…R.I.P., random biker guy. It’s kind of weird that I’ve been subscribing to Black Belt magazine for the last three years and yet I’ve never heard of Kuialua; I’ll have to ask my sensei about ways to defend against it. Okay, they’re fighting, and HOLY CRAP, TANK IS BEATING HIS ASS! BONE-BREAKING HAS BEEN EXPOSED AS USELESS IN A NO-HOLDS-BARRED SCENARIO! PIT-FIGHTING IS THE FUTURE! Oh man, is Matua dead? He’s definitely dead. Wow. Best $14.99 I’ve ever spent. [puts on Everclear CD]” See also:Thomas Ramirez
7. Paul Herrera (0-1) Sole appearance: UFC 8, 2/16/96
8. Moti Horenstein (0-2) First appearance: UFC 10, 7/12/96 Final appearance: UFC 14, 7/27/97
With a background in karate, kickboxing, and krav maga, Israeli striker Moti Horenstein wasn’t looking to roll around the mat with anybody. His game-plan in the cage was to unleash the kind of vicious kicks that would later score him a Guinness World Record in baseball-bat breaking. (Yes, there is such a thing.) Unfortunately, Moti’s luck in drawing opponents was cosmically, hilariously bad. Horenstein debuted in the quarterfinals of UFC 10′s open-weight tournament against former NCAA Division I wrestling champion Mark Coleman, who swiftly took him down and unleashed his trademark ground-and-pound until Horenstein tapped from strikes at the 2:43 mark.
Horenstein gave it another shot the following year, entering UFC 14′s four-man heavyweight tournament. And who was his opponent this time? None other than former NCAA Division I wrestling champion Mark Kerr, who was simply a larger, younger, and more savage version of Mark Colemon. Bleacher Report aptly described the match as ”the worst case of a Jew being led to slaughter since Jesus.” Horenstein got TKO’d in 2:22 and thankfully never showed up in the UFC again.
9. Reza Nasri (0-1) Sole appearance: UFC 11, 9/20/96
The UFC’s pre-Zuffa era featured two short-lived Iranian prospects — Tae Kwon Do stylist Saeed Hosseini, who competed at UFC 13, and Reza Nasri, who preceded him by three events. (Coincidentally, both fighters were matched up against juiced-up Americans wearing form-fitting Stars ‘n’ Stripes briefs, which made it clear who the fans were supposed to root for.) But while Hosseini put in a valiant effort before being TKO’d by Jack Nilsson, Nasri didn’t do anything for the budding reputation of Iranian MMA, getting beat down by Brian Johnston in under 30 seconds.
Nasri entered the Octagon with a Greco-Roman wrestling background, but it wasn’t clear if he’d done any striking training before joining the eight-man tournament at UFC 11, and he certainly hadn’t taken any jiu-jitsu lessons — you can tell that by the way he completely stopped fighting after Johnston put him on his back. Perhaps Nasri was waiting for the ref to award Johnston three points and stand them back up. Instead, Johnston unleashed a torrent of head-butts (still technically legal in those days) and punches that ended the Iranian’s UFC career as quickly as it began. Now, if Johnston had only come at Nasri with a knife in slow-motion, who knows what would have happened?
10. Tony Halme (0-1) Sole appearance: UFC 13, 5/30/97
Unlike the inept first-timers in this section, Tony Halme already had a proven history of failure in MMA by the time he made it to the UFC, racking up an 0-3 record for Japan’s RINGS promotion. A former professional wrestler who had competed in the WWF under the name Ludvig Borga, the hulking, tatted-up Finn certainly looked like your stereotypical cage-fighter/Aryan prison-gang leader. But against a top-shelf wrestler like Randy Couture, he was roadkill.
Halme met the Natural in the semi-finals of UFC 13′s four-man heavyweight tournament — which happened to be Couture’s MMA debut — and opened the bout by running directly into a double-leg takedown. Couture easily placed the 300-pounder on the mat, transitioned to Halme’s back, then finished him with a choke, all in just 56 seconds. It was the last attempt at MMA for Halme, who went on to win a seat in Finland’s parliament for the ultra-right-wing True Finns party, before spiraling into drug-and-alcohol-fueled insanity, and killing himself in January 2010. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer person.
11. Greg “Ranger” Stott (0-1) Sole appearance: UFC 15, 10/17/97
His entire MMA career lasted only 17 seconds, but it taught us so much. For one thing, being 240 pounds doesn’t necessarily make you a heavyweight — sometimes it just means you need to reduce your carb intake. Also, the Octagon is no place to test out new martial arts systems that you made up in your garage. So it went with Greg Stott, an Army Ranger who debuted his own Ranger Intensive Program (“RIP rules, and all other styles rest in peace“) at UFC 15 against the nightmare-inducing Mark Kerr, a true heavyweight in every sense of the word. After Stott tossed out a few awful-looking jabs to demonstrate how unqualified he was, Kerr clinched up and launched an Overeem-esque knee straight up the middle, putting Stott’s lights out. The Mississippi fans booed the quick stoppage, angry that Kerr didn’t literally beat Stott to death. Indeed, it was a crowd that desired bloodshed above all else.
12. Yoji Anjo (0-3) First appearance: UFC Ultimate Japan 1, 12/21/97 Final appearance: UFC 29, 12/16/00
The four-man heavyweight tournament at Ultimate Japan 1 featured two Japanese professional wrestlers, who entered as a publicity stunt for their Kingdom Pro Wrestling league. One of them was Kazushi Sakuraba, a last-minute injury replacement who managed to win the tournament and went on to become an MMA megastar in Japan. The other was Yoji Anjo, whose fight career couldn’t have turned out more differently. After losing a 15-minute decision to American fan-favorite Tank Abbott, Anjo was booked on two subsequent Japanese UFC cards, for no other reason than his nationality. In a pair of mismatches against middleweight up-and-comers, Anjo was choked out by Murilo Bustamante at UFC 25: Ultimate Japan 3 and TKO’d by Matt Lindland at UFC 29. Yoji Anjo retired from MMA competition with an overall record of 0-5-1. The fact that he was also responsible for the most epically failed dojo-storming attempt in martial arts history is a tale for another day. See also:Daiju Takase
13. Chris Condo (0-1) Sole appearance: UFC 20, 5/7/99
I’m going to be honest with you — I don’t know a damn thing about Chris Condo. I don’t know where he came from, and I don’t know what became of him after his brief stint in the UFC. Maybe he was simply a spectator who was asked to replace a fighter who had dropped out at the last minute. Your guess is as good as mine. What I see in the screen-cap above is a heavy-set “grappler” whose dopey, innocent expression is reminiscent of Private Pyle from Full Metal Jacket. When Condo faced Ron Waterman at UFC 20, he was, to quote that movie, in a world of shit; Waterman TKO’d him in just 28 seconds. I remember watching the fight online a while back, and I remember that it was ugly, but the video has disappeared from the Internet. Chris Condo never fought again. His life remains a mystery.
“I just want everyone to understand how fricken hard I am training. I have never trained this hard or smart for a fight in my life. In ironic twist news- I’m totally getting reimbursed for John Dodson’s insubordination. I’m not even asking about Michael’s training, but for some reason all the friends that I’ve had for years that are working with him seem to be inclined to tell me about his camp and what he’s doing. I don’t want or need this info, I’m going to beat him regardless, just found it interesting. Pretty karmic.”
Hmm. Michael Bisping’s TUF 14 assistant coaches Tiki Ghosn and Rob McCullough train in the same Huntington Beach circles as Miller — could they be moles infiltrating the Brit’s camp in the name of American patriotism? Or is Mayhem just trying to get in the Count’s head? Bisping is convinced that it’s the latter, telling InsideMMA:
“I just want everyone to understand how fricken hard I am training. I have never trained this hard or smart for a fight in my life. In ironic twist news- I’m totally getting reimbursed for John Dodson’s insubordination. I’m not even asking about Michael’s training, but for some reason all the friends that I’ve had for years that are working with him seem to be inclined to tell me about his camp and what he’s doing. I don’t want or need this info, I’m going to beat him regardless, just found it interesting. Pretty karmic.”
Hmm. Michael Bisping’s TUF 14 assistant coaches Tiki Ghosn and Rob McCullough train in the same Huntington Beach circles as Miller — could they be moles infiltrating the Brit’s camp in the name of American patriotism? Or is Mayhem just trying to get in the Count’s head? Bisping is convinced that it’s the latter, telling InsideMMA:
“I know for a fact that none of them have been divulging secrets. I think this is a sign of Jason [being] a little bit nervous [about] the impending doom that’s coming his way this coming weekend and he’s trying to unsettle my camp. I think he’s looking at the [Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson] spygate thing and trying to jump on that bandwagon. Good luck, Jason, but better luck next time.”
Semi-related: Michael Bisping accidentally (?) spoils tomorrow night’s TUF 14 semifinal between Diego Brandao and Bryan Caraway. Don’t watch it if you don’t want to know.
According to some misguided crazy people, the world is going to end tomorrow. Apparently, May 21st, 2011 is the scheduled date of the Rapture, in which Christians will be shuttled off into the air to meet Christ, while the sinners will be left behind, leading to Armageddon or something. (For more information, consult this Kirk Cameron movie). If the rumors are true, we’re all pretty much fucked. Still, there’s a few MMA fighters who will be getting the sweet end of the deal. For instance…
BEN HENDERSON
The lightweight standout is one of the more vocal supporters of his Lord and Savior in the cage, shouting out Philippians 4:13 after every win. He makes his fight entrances to gospel music, and has never touched alcohol. Whatever bad stuff goes down tomorrow, he won’t be around for it. He’ll be in mid-air, doing that pyramid thing with his hands.
CHAEL SONNEN
Stripped of his real estate and fighting licenses, Sonnen was just sentenced to a year of roaming the earth with no income, trying to “promote goodwill” and show that he’s rehabilitated. A swift, violent end would probably be an upgrade at this point.
According to some misguided crazy people, the world is going to end tomorrow. Apparently, May 21st, 2011 is the scheduled date of the Rapture, in which Christians will be shuttled off into the air to meet Christ, while the sinners will be left behind, leading to Armageddon or something. (For more information, consult this Kirk Cameron movie). If the rumors are true, we’re all pretty much fucked. Still, there’s a few MMA fighters who will be getting the sweet end of the deal. For instance…
BEN HENDERSON
The lightweight standout is one of the more vocal supporters of his Lord and Savior in the cage, shouting out Philippians 4:13 after every win. He makes his fight entrances to gospel music, and has never touched alcohol. Whatever bad stuff goes down tomorrow, he won’t be around for it. He’ll be in mid-air, doing that pyramid thing with his hands.
CHAEL SONNEN
Stripped of his real estate and fighting licenses, Sonnen was just sentenced to a year of roaming the earth with no income, trying to “promote goodwill” and show that he’s rehabilitated. A swift, violent end would probably be an upgrade at this point.
RICHARD HALE AND CHRISTIAN M’PUMBU
For what it’s worth, tomorrow’s Bellator 45 light-heavyweight tournament headliner in Lake Charles, Louisiana, will be the last televised MMA match of the day in this country. If God can hold off the rapture until the end of the night, Hale vs. M’Pumbu could very well be the last televised MMA match ever. That’s pretty damn historic. Not that we’ll care much about history in the post-rapture chaos, but still.
VITOR BELFORT
Famously, Vitor Belfort is the guy who expect Jesus, bro, every day. How psyched is he going to be when Jesus actually shows up on a random Saturday? All the hardships he’s suffered in his life were only tests from God. Now that he’s proven his devotion, he’ll be one of the first to be lifted off his feet, while Stankie stands there earthbound and furious, cursing his fancy ass.
JASON MILLER
Mayhem’s a “devout atheist” who once told a Mormon interviewer, “after my victory, I would like to thank science.” I can see him and Joe Rogan holed up in a bunker following the rapture, splitting a bottle of wine and discussing the mysteries of the universe. It’ll suck to have their cynical anti-beliefs proven wrong so dramatically, but for one sweet moment, they won’t be surrounded by so many assholes.
Chicks dig fighters — even the ones who talk funny. But even with the natural advantages that come with muscles, scars, and fame, we’re still occasionally surprised by the lady-killing ability of some mixed martial artists. Of all the MMA PUA’s, …
Chicks dig fighters — even the ones who talk funny. But even with the natural advantages that come with muscles, scars, and fame, we’re still occasionally surprised by the lady-killing ability of some mixed martial artists. Of all the MMA PUA‘s, these six are the most accomplished…
DEAN LISTER Notable conquests: WWE star Milena Roucka (aka ‘Rosa Mendes’), model Flavia Mazoni Notes: ‘The Boogeyman’ is semi-retired from the sport these days, choosing instead to spend his time training hopeless cases. But in his prime, Dean Lister was just as notable for his ability to attract exotic beauties as he was for his in-cage exploits. Grappling ability plus a cartoonishly strong-looking jawline is a combination that women can’t resist, apparently.
MATT HAMILL Notable conquests: Bikini model Wendy Foster, a super-hot former fiance named Brittany, an old girlfriend that was apparently down for whatever. Notes: Snagging a Hooters Girl of the Year would be an accomplishment for any man. But to do it without the use of one of your five senses? Bro, that’s legendary. (Then again, deafness is probably an asset when you’re pretending to be interested in your girlfriend’s stories.) Matt Hamill’s ex-fiance, a bartender from upstate New York, was just as hot, and of course there were those rumors of Hamill’s partner-swappin’ lifestyle with a freaky old flame. Respect the Hammer.
