Tag: Funny Shit

Power-Ranking the Four Latest Stoppages of UFC 184


(Mark, are you giving up?! I need a sign Mark! Literally *any* sign! No? Well, fight on then!” via Getty.)

By CP Reader Steve Hand

It’s hard to believe that a night which saw five fighters finished inside of three minutes could feature so many late stoppages, but such is the incompetency of the modern MMA referee (second only to that of, you guessed it, Frank Stallone the MMA judge). Without using too much hyperbole, I feel comfortable saying that UFC 184 was the biggest reffing travesty since the 2007 NBA Betting Scandal, and maybe of all time. And with that, let’s take a look at just how bad the ball was dropped over the course of the night.


(Mark, are you giving up?! I need a sign Mark! Literally *any* sign! No? Well, fight on then!” via Getty.)

By CP Reader Steve Hand

It’s hard to believe that a night which saw five fighters finished inside of three minutes could feature so many late stoppages, but such is the incompetency of the modern MMA referee (second only to that of, you guessed it, Frank Stallone the MMA judge). Without using too much hyperbole, I feel comfortable saying that UFC 184 was the biggest reffing travesty since the 2007 NBA Betting Scandal, and maybe of all time. And with that, let’s take a look at just how bad the ball was dropped over the course of the night.

4. Derrick Lewis TKO’s Ruan Potts

Ruan Potts might be the worst heavyweight to fight in the UFC since that guy Gabriel Gonzaga superman punched back in 06′ (and don’t even get me started on his nickname), yet even he almost managed to pull off a leglock of some sort in the early-going of his fight with “The Black Beast.” Once Lewis escaped, however, Potts had no answer for the bigger man’s striking, and even tried to quit in between rounds. His corner wouldn’t have it, and referee Jarin Valel, having apparently never been to an MMA fight before, stood by watching with almost giddy anticipation.

“I can’t wait to see my first murder up close,” he thought to himself. “You should have never slept with my wife, Ruan, you son of a bitch.”

A minute and a half after Joe Rogan verbally threw in the towel for Potts, Valel crouched down for an even closer look. Or maybe he lost a contact, because he definitely wasn’t watching what I was watching. Lewis continued to reign down shots on a clearly broken Potts while Valel did a J nearby, then passed out in a weed-induced haze. It wasn’t until the crunching sound of the South African’s face woke him up that the fight was finally called off.

3. Jake Ellenberger North-South Chokes Josh Koscheck

LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT THE HORROR.

For those of you who might’ve missed it: Jake Ellenberger locked in a modified north-south choke on Koscheck in the final minute of the second round. Roughly 25 seconds after Kos’ body began to twitch and squirm in an attempt for air, the legend JARIN VALEL decided to step in. Did you see the foam spewing from Koscheck’s face? The look in his eyes says it all: “It’s an honor to have my unconscious pleas ignored by you, the GREATEST REF working today.”

Let me be clear: Jarin Valel should never be allowed to referee another MMA fight again. He’s going to get someone killed, and then the NSAC will be up shit creek without a paddle.

2. Roan Carneiro’s “Submission” of Mark Munoz

This was actually an even fight for the 45 seconds it was on the feet. When it got to the ground however, Carneiro took Munoz’s back and tightened up a super deep RNC. Referee Jarin Valel, THE BEST IN THE BUSINESS, proceeded to tie his shoes as Munoz began to go towards the light. Even from such an up-close perspective, Valel simply could not see Munoz’s soul escaping his body, so Roan, the nice guy that he is, tells him the fight is over. Yup, the guy doing the choking had to submit for his opponent.

This was the real-life equivalent of the guy in South Park who declared “All right boys, break it up” following a five-minute cripple fight. Note to Valel: When the guy doing the strangling tells you he’s done, YOU’RE NOT DOING YOUR JOB!

But for all of Valel’s life-threatening guffaws, the worst stoppage of the night by far goes to…

1. Joe Rogan Interviews Cat Zingano Following Her Quick Loss to Ronda Rousey

18 months of anticipation lead to 14 seconds she’ll regret forever. There’s a sex joke to made somewhere in there, but I’m simply not prepared to make it in light of this interviewing travesty.

You can see Cat trying to make sense of her greatest opportunity slipping through her fingers when Joe Rogan tries to have a chat. He inquires a visibly uncomfortable Zingano about her strategy, and she’s got nothing but F bombs to drop. It’s ugly. There is no eye contact and no coherent sentences coming from the former challenger, and yet, Rogan lets it go on. Zingano is crushed, obviously, and all Joe wants is a sound bite and a handshake. Thanks Joe Rogan, for making her relive her greatest regret at a time when she shouldn’t be talking.

Ugh, I need a shower to wash off this filth. Better luck next time, MMA.

NSAC to Begin Implementing Intensive Drug-Testing Procedures…on NSAC

(We hear that if you play that song backwards on loop, it lines up perfectly with the Wizard of Oz, maaaaaaan.)

Disclaimer: Guys, I am really digging the articles you’ve been sending in, but especially these Onion-style pieces ala “Ultimate Roided Fucking Killers League.” Here is another such article that’s just as hilarious. — Jared

By CP Reader Scott Johnson

Off the heels of the major announcement made by the UFC last Wednesday, the Nevada State Athletic Commission (NSAC) has decided to follow suit with a groundbreaking decision of their own. Beginning June 30th, NSAC will begin implementing a new drug testing policy upon itself in the hopes that it will curb the erratic, irrational behavior that has long plagued its decision making process. (See: everything from the past month)

The new policy will see representatives of the NSAC, which includes referees, judges and commission members, be subject to year round random drug tests as well as mandatory testing prior to any events or hearings. These new changes are expected to help to eradicate the poor decisions that have adversely affected all aspects of MMA.

“After reviewing the hearing that took place on February 17th of 2015, it was clear that changes needed to be made to ensure that the integrity and good name of the Nevada State Athletic Commission would remain intact,” said Francisco Aguilar without a hint of irony or self-awareness in his voice.


(We hear that if you play that song backwards on loop, it lines up perfectly with the Wizard of Oz, maaaaaaan.)

Disclaimer: Guys, I am really digging the articles you’ve been sending in, but especially these Onion-style pieces ala “Ultimate Roided Fucking Killers League.” Here is another such article that’s just as hilarious. — Jared

By CP Reader Scott Johnson

Off the heels of the major announcement made by the UFC last Wednesday, the Nevada State Athletic Commission (NSAC) has decided to follow suit with a groundbreaking decision of their own. Beginning June 30th, NSAC will begin implementing a new drug testing policy upon itself in the hopes that it will curb the erratic, irrational behavior that has long plagued its decision making process. (See: everything from the past month)

The new policy will see representatives of the NSAC, which includes referees, judges and commission members, be subject to year round random drug tests as well as mandatory testing prior to any events or hearings. These new changes are expected to help to eradicate the poor decisions that have adversely affected all aspects of MMA.

“After reviewing the hearing that took place on February 17th of 2015, it was clear that changes needed to be made to ensure that the integrity and good name of the Nevada State Athletic Commission would remain intact,” said Francisco Aguilar without a hint of irony or self-awareness in his voice.

He continued, “What message would it send to the sports community if we had to admit that our drug testing had fallen so far behind that it made the UFC’s policies look progressive?”

Mr. Aguilar’s opinion on the initial outcome of this new policy mirrored that of UFC President Dana White’s statement from last week that things would most likely get worse before they got better.

We know that there will be an initial backlash from our representatives. I know for a fact that requiring the judges present at ringside to be sober at future events will present an issue as most of them don’t know much about the sport and show little to no interest in the events taking place in the cage.

“We are glad that the NSAC has chosen our facilities to provide their drug testing services,” said Dr. David “Tank” Throatkick, Chief Physician at the Foothills Anti-doping Research and Control Establishment and graduate of the highly vaunted Hollywood Upstairs Medical College.

“We remain on the edge of progressive anti-doping testing procedures by instituting the standard tests in place while researching new and inventive ways to identify any performance enhancing chemicals. To ensure the accuracy of our results we will be administering urine test as well as requesting samples of the subject’s blood, hair, saliva, snot, and semen.”

When summoned, members of the NSAC will be required to submit the necessary samples or be subject to penalties based on the egregiousness and recurrence the of the offense. Examples of these penalties will include (but not be limited to): fines, suspensions, required appearances on Ariel Helwani’s podcast, life coaching sessions with the Diaz brothers, mandatory attendance at Fox Sports 1 UFC events from prelim to main event and other terrible punishments.

“It’s about damned time!” proclaimed Joe Rogan, UFC color commentator, noted conspiracy theorist and alleged comedian. “Seriously, did you hear the things that were being said at that hearing? Placing microchips into the fighter’s gloves? It’s unreal! I’ve said some pretty wild shit on my podcast after a blaze session with Eddie but even I couldn’t believe the nonsense they were spouting.”

UFC President Dana White was equally jovial when discussing the decision, although it was difficult to tell at first due to the bitter hostility in his tone.

“This is the fucking best think the NSAC could have fucking done. Easily the best pound for pound fucking decision they ever made” said White. “It’s been the worst kept fucking secret in sports. Anyone could have fucking seen this fucking coming from the terrible judging to early stoppages to that stupid fucking shit Cecil Peoples does when starting a fight. Anyone who wants to be a part of making crucial decisions in officiating or regulating our sport will have to ask themselves the question “Do you want to be a fucking teetotaler?”‘

Upon the announcement of the new policy, the reinstatement application for refereeing on behalf of Josh Rosenthal was voluntarily rescinded by the applicant.

Which MMA Fighter Will Test Positive For Steroids Next? A Completely Speculative Investigation


(via Getty)

The past few weeks have been a trying time to be an MMA fan, with random drug tests nailing Anderson Silva (smh), Hector Lombard (could have seen it coming), and Jon Fitch (wah?!) for various types of performance enhancers. MMA has always had something of a drug problem, but 2015 has brought that issue to the forefront with a resounding injection to the buttocks. Worse yet, the UFC’s decision to recently abandon their out-of-competition drug testing program indicates that the sport’s steroid epidemic will only get worse before it gets better.

The question now becomes: Where do we go from here? Well, I’ve talked it over with my highly-dedicated blogging team of less than two people, and the best thing we could think of was to lob a bunch of biased and completely ungrounded accusations at the select group of MMA fighters who’ve yet to test positive for anabolic steroids. F*ck yeah, internet writing!

So without further adieu, join us as we take a look ahead at the hulked-out future of mixed martial arts, and more specifically, which of its fighters will most likely be popped for PED’s.


(via Getty)

The past few weeks have been a trying time to be an MMA fan, with random drug tests nailing Anderson Silva (smh), Hector Lombard (could have seen it coming), and Jon Fitch (wah?!) for various types of performance enhancers. MMA has always had something of a drug problem, but 2015 has brought that issue to the forefront with a resounding injection to the buttocks. Worse yet, the UFC’s decision to recently abandon their out-of-competition drug testing program indicates that the sport’s steroid epidemic will only get worse before it gets better.

The question now becomes: Where do we go from here? Well, I’ve talked it over with my highly-dedicated blogging team of less than two people, and the best thing we could think of was to lob a bunch of biased and completely ungrounded accusations at the select group of MMA fighters who’ve yet to test positive for anabolic steroids. F*ck yeah, internet writing!

So without further adieu, join us as we take a look ahead at the hulked-out future of mixed martial arts, and more specifically, which of its fighters will most likely be popped for PED’s.

The Usual Suspects

Vitor Belfort

Remember how I just said that we would only focus on fighters who *hadn’t* tested positive for steroids before? I lied.

The fact is, Belfort has pissed hot in the past — for 4-hydroxytestosterone following his fight with Dan Henderson at Pride 32 — and experienced a highly suspect career resurgence after jumping on the TRT train back in 2013. Although Belfort has vehemently denied abusing TRT and stated that he only used it to maintain normal testosterone levels, he  also managed to transition off the therapy almost seamlessly in the time since. With his title shot against Chris Weidman having been pushed off half a dozen times now, #TheTimeIsRunningOut on Belfort’s vitality as a top-level fighter. If he’s resorted to the juice in the past, our guess is that he’d be willing to do it again.

Rafael Cavalcante

Like Belfort, “Feijao” has also tested positive for steroids in the past. In his final Strikeforce appearance, Cavalcante tested positive for stanozolol following his first rounds submission win over Mike Kyle. He was punished for this by being signed by the UFC. Cavalcante has also dropped two out of his past three UFC fights, meaning that he is in dire need of a win if he is to continue fighting for the Ultimate Roided Fucking Killers League. So what’s he supposed to do? *Not* take steroids, lose his next fight, and receive his pink slip, or take steroids, win the fight, and apologize afterward as a still-current UFC employee? The solution is obvious.

You Know What, Every Black House Fighter

Here’s what we know: Three Black House fighters have tested positive for steroids in the past seven months. The man pictured above is their strength and conditioning coach. He is 57 years old.

The Questionable Physiques

Phil Davis

Just look at that cartoonishly shaped torso. Phil Davis is sculpted like a Greek statue, and we don’t buy for a second that he achieved it naturally. “Mr. Wonderful?” More like “Mr. ROID-derful.” #NailedIt

Todd Duffee

No further comment required.

Thiago Alves

Not only is Thiago Alves the buffest welterweight of all time, but in his most recent fight, he dispatched Jordan Mein — a kickboxer since age 11 — with ONE KICK. How’d he do it? Roids. The answer is clearly roids.

Mirko Cro Cop

According to our diligent research, this photo of Mirko Cro Cop was taken last week and has not been altered in any way, shape, or form. Expect to hear word of his positive test shortly after he dispatches Gabe Gonzaga via nuclear holocaust in April.

Cheick Kongo

Cheick Kongo has pectorals the size of dinner plates and a history of using dirty tactics to win fights. By that logic, why *wouldn’t* he resort to the dirtiest tactic of all to win a few more? Daddy needs all those Bellator dollars to support his crippling addiction to Rocky Mountain oysters.

On the “next page” we take aim at some of the sport’s champions, as well as some of the less obvious (but totally obvious to us) roid heads currently slipping under the radar…

Dun Dada: Fantasy-Picking Kimbo Slice’s Opponent For His Bellator Debut


(And to think, had Kimbo landed his signature headbutt to the groin that night, EliteXC might still be in operation. Photo via Divulgação.)

By CagePotato reader BJ Last

Welcome back to Sliceworld! The man who took the internet by storm in 2003, turned into a popular MMA circus act in 2007, fell from relevance in 2010, started boxing jobbers in 2012, and everyone sort of forgot about in 2014, is now signed with the second biggest MMA promotion in the world. The only question remaining now — aside from why? and also huh? — is who should be Slice’s first opponent under the Bellator banner? Scott Coker & Co. have two options, as far as I see it:

1) They can try to find Slice a “legitimate” (yes, there’s a reason for air quotes) opponent in an attempt to rebuild him as a genuinely dangerous MMA fighter.

2) They can channel their inner Japanese MMA promotion and go full freakshow.

I’ll tell you what I want (what I really, really want), or at least what I see as the most likely options for each scenario. Let’s start with the “legitimate” opponents…


(And to think, had Kimbo landed his signature headbutt to the groin that night, EliteXC might still be in operation. Photo via Divulgação.)

By CagePotato reader BJ Last

Welcome back to Sliceworld! The man who took the internet by storm in 2003, turned into a popular MMA circus act in 2007, fell from relevance in 2010, started boxing jobbers in 2012, and everyone sort of forgot about in 2014, is now signed with the second biggest MMA promotion in the world. The only question remaining now — aside from why? and also huh? — is who should be Slice’s first opponent under the Bellator banner? Scott Coker & Co. have two options, as far as I see it:

1) They can try to find Slice a “legitimate” (yes, there’s a reason for air quotes) opponent in an attempt to rebuild him as a genuinely dangerous MMA fighter.

2) They can channel their inner Japanese MMA promotion and go full freakshow.

I’ll tell you what I want (what I really, really want), or at least what I see as the most likely options for each scenario. Let’s start with the “legitimate” opponents…

Tito Ortiz – This is the most likely (and probably least interesting) option. Despite what some people think, this fight makes the most sense for Bellator and Ortiz. Bellator gets to have a main event with two name fighters, and could pack the card with other prospects in the hope that people tuning in for this fight will also watch the, you know, talented people on the card. That’s pretty much what Bellator did with their first pay-per-view, and it’ll give Tito a three-fight win streak to carry in against the winner of Liam McGeary vs. Emanuel Newton for the light-heavyweight title.

What’s that? You say Ortiz has already shut down the idea of a potential fight with Slice? Well, methinks that the man who has fought an undersized middleweight and a retired steroid abuser thus far in his Bellator run can be persuaded.

Rematch – James Thompson is currently under contract with Bellator and Seth Petruzelli has said he’d come out of retirement for a rematch. There are only 2 problems with these potential matchups. 1) No one would care who won and 2) There’s no real benefit to Bellator if either Thompson or Petruzelli pick up a win.

Ok, so they’re pretty big problems.

Someone Without a Wikipedia Page – If Bellator wants Kimbo to win so that they have enough footage to hype his next fight, they need to give him the UFC’s CM Punk treatment (or the Sokoudjou Bellator debut treatment), a.k.a an obscure/underskilled opponent. Then again, the last time a promotion had Kimbo face a part-time, semi-retired fighter, it didn’t end well for the promotion. And by not end well, I mean the semi-retired fighter KO’d Kimbo in under 20 seconds, causing the promoter to lose his shit cage-side and eventually sinking the entire promotion. If Bellator wants an opponent they can be sure Kimbo will beat, they’ll need to go the Milwaukee MMA matchmaking route.

Eric Prindle – Just because Bellator could re-use most of the greatest promo video ever.

On Page 2, we get a little more creative with our matchmaking efforts…

[VIDEO] Donald Cerrone and Benson Henderson Bromance One Another at the UFC Fight Night 59 Media Day

(Props: MMAFightingonSBN)

Between “Hey pussy, are you still there?” and “Kiss them feet Nazi,” it’s easy to think that all UFC fighters hate each other, or at least feign enough hate to sell some tickets. Donald Cerrone and Benson Henderson proved otherwise during their staredown at the UFC Fight Night 59 media day yesterday. Let’s timestamp the awesomeness:

0:04 – Cerrone steps into frame and excitedly claps his hands and stomps his foot because he’s just so damn excited to see his buddy Benson again. They embrace like two long-lost friends.

0:10 – Dana White reminds them they’re here to promote a fight and tells them to square off. Cerrone, who’s already four inches taller than Henderson, gets up on his toes, and Henderson just smiles and laughs because his buddy Donald is such a clown.

0:15 – Dana tells them to “face forward, shoulder to shoulder,” and Cerrone takes the command as literally as possible, then starts nudging at Henderson like a young boy pestering his older brother. Cerrone, wearing a soon-to-be-banned Budweiser shirt, announces that “rounds are on ‘Cowboy’ after this fight.”


(Props: MMAFightingonSBN)

Between “Hey pussy, are you still there?” and “Kiss them feet Nazi,” it’s easy to think that all UFC fighters hate each other, or at least feign enough hate to sell some tickets. Donald Cerrone and Benson Henderson proved otherwise during their staredown at the UFC Fight Night 59 media day yesterday. Let’s timestamp the awesomeness:

0:04 – Cerrone steps into frame and excitedly claps his hands and stomps his foot because he’s just so damn excited to see his buddy Benson again. They embrace like two long-lost friends.

0:10 – Dana White reminds them they’re here to promote a fight and tells them to square off. Cerrone, who’s already four inches taller than Henderson, gets up on his toes, and Henderson just smiles and laughs because his buddy Donald is such a clown.

0:15 – Dana tells them to “face forward, shoulder to shoulder,” and Cerrone takes the command as literally as possible, then starts nudging at Henderson like a young boy pestering his older brother. Cerrone, wearing a soon-to-be-banned Budweiser shirt, announces that “rounds are on ‘Cowboy’ after this fight.”

0:21 – Henderson grabs Cerrone’s cowboy hat — which might cheese the latter in another circumstance, but this is his boy Benson — so Cerrone returns the favor and grabs Henderson big knit cap. They put on each other’s hats, and the crowd (and media?) is just eating this shit up.

0:35 – They return each other’s respective hat, and Cerrone goes full McConaughey, telling Henderson, “See you on the other side.” These guys, man.

If you don’t understand why this interaction is so special, go back and watch Henderson and Cerrone’s first two fights from WEC 43 and WEC 48.

Look at Jon Jones’ High School Yearbook Picture


(“Jon Jones love u…pussy” / Caption and photo via Reddit)

Late last night, someone posted this photo of school-age Jon Jones (sorry, Jonathon Jones) to r/MMA. It’s hard to guess his age from the picture, but he looks pretty young. Maybe he’s a freshman or something? The Redditor who uploaded the photo said this was from a high school yearbook. Are freshman usually included in those? Yearbooks were seniors only in my school. Then again, my school was so poor and shitty that administration regularly canceled the basketball team’s games when it rained because the roof leaked so badly.

Anyway, the Reddit commenters made all the obvious jokes. So We’ll just end this slow-news-weekend post by asking this: Who would’ve thought the smiling teenager would’ve become the most feared and talented fighter known to man? Just think about that. While Fedor and other legends were striking awe into our hearts and terror into the hearts of their opponents, Jon Jones was awkwardly writing “love u” in yearbooks. More food for thought: Some punk 14-year-old out there decked out in TapouT merch (or now Tapout-WWE merch, I guess) is going to beat the shit out of Jon Jones in a few years. Cool to think about, isn’t it?


(“Jon Jones love u…pussy” / Caption and photo via Reddit)

Late last night, someone posted this photo of school-age Jon Jones (sorry, Jonathon Jones) to r/MMA. It’s hard to guess his age from the picture, but he looks pretty young. Maybe he’s a freshman or something? The Redditor who uploaded the photo said this was from a high school yearbook. Are freshman usually included in those? Yearbooks were seniors only in my school. Then again, my school was so poor and shitty that administration regularly canceled the basketball team’s games when it rained because the roof leaked so badly.

Anyway, the Reddit commenters made all the obvious jokes. So We’ll just end this slow-news-weekend post by asking this: Who would’ve thought the smiling teenager would’ve become the most feared and talented fighter known to man? Just think about that. While Fedor and other legends were striking awe into our hearts and terror into the hearts of their opponents, Jon Jones was awkwardly writing “love u” in yearbooks. More food for thought: Some punk 14-year-old out there decked out in TapouT merch (or now Tapout-WWE merch, I guess) is going to beat the shit out of Jon Jones in a few years. Cool to think about, isn’t it?