(Unlike the rest of us, the eye candy in the back decided to open her eyes for Cyborg.)
By Jason Moles
While suffering through The Change-Up this weekend, I started thinking about the hypothetical situation of MMA fighters switching bodies. Obviously, one fighter would get the short end of the stick, like in all relationships, but other than that, it’s all good news from there. Imagine the man with a warrior spirit and broken body upgrading for a newer model. Imagine the heavy-duty gas-guzzler being replaced by a tiny, eco-friendly, electric car. Imagine experience and youth joining forces to reign terror on anything that steps in its way. So who most deserves a cinematic body-swap? Read on and find out…
BJ Penn and Brock Lesnar
Advantage: Baby Jay
For years, Penn has been criticized for his lack of self-discipline and willingness to stay in shape. Switching bodies would solve that problem and create what might be the best heavyweight in UFC history. A Nova Uniao Brazilian jiu-jitsu black belt with explosive striking and a granite chin, Penn has everything that Lesnar wishes he had. The Prodigy would be a wrecking ball at heavyweight if he had Brock’s body — as long as the viking took the diverticulitis thing with him. If he had to keep the illness during the switch, then I guess we could all agree that we’d like to see Josh Koscheck trade bodies with Brock.
Roy Nelson and Clay Guida
Advantage: Nelson
The TUF 10: Heavyweights winner is in a slump following back-to-back losses against JDS and Frank Mir. You remember seeing ‘Big Country’ sucking wind and basically collapsing after the final horn, right? I can’t remember another fighter looking worse in the Octagon besides Kimbo. We know from the JDS fight that Nelson is capable of eating punches and asking for more while his black belt in BJJ is evident when the fight hits the mat. Question: Why doesn’t he win more? Cardio? Heart? Answer: Both.
Wrap up Roy’s knowledge, passion, and skill inside the body of Clay Guida and you’ve got yourself a force to be reckoned with. The Carpenter is the most fuel efficient guy on the roster, and his thick neanderthal-esque skull will provide the x-factor in Nelson’s game. Wishing you had Mo Lawal’s oxygen supplier in your corner will become a thing of the past as a “new” lightweight makes a mad dash for Edgar’s title. The only question that comes to mind when pondering this swap of bodies is whether Roy will keep Guida’s famous hair or go for a mullet.
Gina Carano and Cristiane ‘Cris Cyborg’ Santos
Advantage: Fans
Not to take anything away from the budding Hollywood actress, but Cyborg is a genetic freak and the more skilled female fighter. But what Carano lacks in MMA dominance, she more than makes up for in beauty and star-power. Gina Carano is hotter than a Tezpur Chili on the Scoville Scale and because Cyborg would get Carano’s body while keeping her wicked awesome skills, Chyna would have to give the title of ‘9th Wonder of the World‘ to Santos. Makes perfect sense to us. Honestly, this one actually should be a movie.
Jim Miller and Chael Sonnen
Advantage: Miller
The 20 and 2 AMA product is overdue for a title shot. (You could argue that Clay Guida deserves one first after defeating former #1 contender Anthony Pettis, but you could also argue that Strikeforce won’t be swallowed up by the UFC next year.) Jim Miller is riding an incredible seven-fight win streak, leaving behind a pile of game competitors. So why no shot at the belt yet? Consider this: walk around your local mall or sports bar and ask random dudes who Jim Miller is. “Isn’t he that ‘Bully Beatdown’ guy?” is probably how most would respond.
Apparently top-notch technique and continued success just aren’t enough. What’s missing? The personality to make people want to see you compete — and remember when you do — and the charisma to captivate an audience both in and out of the cage. Enter Chael Sonnen, aka Senor Chael. Problem solved. The only downside is that if we do get to see Silva vs. Sonnen 2, the pre-fight hype will be downgraded from AAA to AA+.
Wanderlei Silva and Jon Jones
Advantage: Wandy
Of all the fighters who we’d love to see switch bodies, this might be our favorite. We are unabashedly huge fans of ‘The Axe Murderer’ and wish he could somehow drink from the mystical Fountain of Youth to prolong his storied career as one of MMA’s coolest/scariest dudes.
Jon Jones has the largest reach of active UFC fighters. Do you even understand the possibilities of what that kind of wingspan could do when combined with one of the sport’s most lethal strikers? This would literally be the second coming of Wanderlei Silva! Look, we know he’s still got the itch to fight. New body, fresh outlook, old scores to settle.
Is Jonny Bones getting the short end of the stick? Absolutely. But look on the bright side — at least he won’t have to duck Rashad anymore.
Jon Jones
