Schadenfreude is the German word for taking pleasure from the misfortune of others, and aside from scheisseporn it’s pretty much the best word to come out of Germany untranslated. The German fußball team gave us some textbook definition schadenfreude action when they crushed Brazil 7-1 in the World Cup earlier this week, and everyone on the internet delighted in watching the host nation weep like little bitches during the meltdown.
Evil pleasure aside, there’s something fascinating about seeing another human wallowing in sadness. And outside of a choking team’s arena or third world country, I’d argue there’s no better place to stare sadness in the face than at a UFC post-fight press conference.
While most of the defeated fighters on a card get to skip the conference and ruminate on their losses in private, the loser of the main event is expected to show up and answer sharp questions from our crack MMA media like “How do you feel right now?” and “What is next now that you’ve failed?”
The look on their faces as they struggle to answer will hit you right in the feels. Or trigger dat schadenfreude if you’re a dick. Since I am definitely a dick, allow me to be your sadness sommelier on this tour through the saddest sadfaces at UFC post-fight press conferences…
(“I am not impress wit my performance” – Photo by Esther Lin for MMAFighting)
Schadenfreude is the German word for taking pleasure from the misfortune of others, and aside from scheisseporn it’s pretty much the best word to come out of Germany untranslated. The German fußball team gave us some textbook definition schadenfreude action when they crushed Brazil 7-1 in the World Cup earlier this week, and everyone on the internet delighted in watching the host nation weep like little bitches during the meltdown.
Evil pleasure aside, there’s something fascinating about seeing another human wallowing in sadness. And outside of a choking team’s arena or third world country, I’d argue there’s no better place to stare sadness in the face than at a UFC post-fight press conference.
While most of the defeated fighters on a card get to skip the conference and ruminate on their losses in private, the loser of the main event is expected to show up and answer sharp questions from our crack MMA media like “How do you feel right now?” and “What is next now that you’ve failed?”
The look on their faces as they struggle to answer will hit you right in the feels. Or trigger dat schadenfreude if you’re a dick. Since I am definitely a dick, allow me to be your sadness sommelier on this tour through the saddest sadfaces at UFC post-fight press conferences…
After three failed runs at the lightweight title, Kenny dropped down to 145 for one last attempt at a UFC belt. Unfortunately he ran into the buzzsaw that was prime Jose Aldo and lost the fight 49-46 on all three judges’ scorecards. I’m pretty sure he would have shed a few tears if his body had the moisture to spare after cutting down to featherweight.
It seemed pretty damn obvious to everyone except BJ Penn that he was gonna get tool time’d by Frankie Edgar in their third fight. It wasn’t until the post-fight conference that the reality of his situation hit BJ in the face harder than anything Frankie threw in the cage. “I shouldn’t have come back.” Welcome to everyone’s conclusion from nine months ago, BJ.
Georges is the only winner to make it onto this list for the epic sadface he pulled after his ‘victory’ over Johny Hendricks. First off, you know a guy as OCD as GSP was aware he didn’t exactly perform to his typical flawless standard. Secondly, he not only had those ‘personal problems’ to deal with, his awkward out of the blue retirement in the cage went over about as well as a fart in church. That all led to St Pierre giving us a little glimpse of what things are like in his dark place.
For all the hype and accolades Lyoto got out of this fight, he knows the score: he’s 36 years old, and only managed to secure this title shot by default because the rest of the middleweight division turned out to be on steroids. Unless he’s willing to push his career into Randy Couture territory, we probably just witnessed his last kick at the title shot can.
Here’s a twofer that proves the only thing worse than choking and losing a title fight with two minutes remaining is choking and losing a title fight in the second round. Not pictured: the sad face Chael has now as he sits on his couch with his withered testicles in one hand and a lifetime prescription for TRT in the other.
Though current bantamweight champion TJ Dillashaw will not be a playable character in EA Sports UFC when it hits the shelves two weeks from now, Bruce Lee will be. Perhaps equally ridiculous is that Bruce Lee isn’t being treated as a novelty addition to the roster, but rather as “the father of Mixed Martial Arts,” something Dana White has also called him. Giving credit to only one person for the creation of MMA is absurd enough, but painting Bruce Lee as that person is just preposterous.
Then again, it really isn’t hard to understand why Zuffa would want to make someone like Bruce Lee an ambassador for our sport. Lee was — and still is — an instantly recognizable celebrity. His body was ripped and athletic. He knew how to wrestle, sure, but also understood that most people would rather watch him throw flashy kicks. His affirmations were deep enough to look good on playing cards and posters, but not too profound for the bros curling in the squat rack to comprehend. In other words, he appeals to a much larger audience than Edward William Barton-Wright and Tommy Tanaka do.
Even with all that in mind, there are figures in combat sports history who not only did more to mold modern MMA than Bruce Lee, but can also be worked into the charmingly revisionist Zuffa account of history just as well. The following list will focus on the accomplishments of these individuals, as well as the arguments for why they should be repackaged as the fathers of MMA. Let’s start with the oldest candidate, and work our way towards the modern era…
Though current bantamweight champion TJ Dillashaw will not be a playable character in EA Sports UFC when it hits the shelves two weeks from now, Bruce Lee will be. Perhaps equally ridiculous is that Bruce Lee isn’t being treated as a novelty addition to the roster, but rather as “the father of Mixed Martial Arts,” something Dana White has also called him. Giving credit to only one person for the creation of MMA is absurd enough, but painting Bruce Lee as that person is just preposterous.
Then again, it really isn’t hard to understand why Zuffa would want to make someone like Bruce Lee an ambassador for our sport. Lee was — and still is — an instantly recognizable celebrity. His body was ripped and athletic. He knew how to wrestle, sure, but also understood that most people would rather watch him throw flashy kicks. His affirmations were deep enough to look good on playing cards and posters, but not too profound for the bros curling in the squat rack to comprehend. In other words, he appeals to a much larger audience than Edward William Barton-Wright and Tommy Tanaka do.
Even with all that in mind, there are figures in combat sports history who not only did more to mold modern MMA than Bruce Lee, but can also be worked into the charmingly revisionist Zuffa account of history just as well. The following list will focus on the accomplishments of these individuals, as well as the arguments for why they should be repackaged as the fathers of MMA. Let’s start with the oldest candidate, and work our way towards the modern era…
Dioxippus
(Not Dioxippus, but I know how much you all love this thing…)
Martial Art:Pankration, an Ancient Greek combat sport that allowed punches, kicks, takedowns, joint locks and chokeholds (sound familiar?). Notable Achievements: Dioxippus of Athens was not only the toughest fighter in Ancient Greece, but arguably the toughest fighter to ever live. In his prime, he was so famous for taking out all challengers that he won an Olympic championship by default (akoniti) because nobody was willing to fight him; he’s the only person to ever win an Olympic wreath in pankration this way. He famously defeated one of Alexander the Great’s best soldiers, Coragus, despite the fact that Coragus wore full armor and had several weapons to use against the naked Dioxippus; you read that correctly, he showed up naked to a fight against a guy in full body armor and won. After the bout, Dioxippus was framed for theft, and chose to take his own life rather than be punished for a crime he did not commit. Why It Makes Sense: Dana White and Joe Rogan like to remind us that “fighting is in our DNA.” Dioxippus is proof of this.
Bill “The Butcher” Poole
(Again, not Bill “The Butcher” Poole, but rather a character he inspired: Bill “The Butcher” Cutting from Gangs of New York.)
Martial Arts: Bare-knuckle Boxing, Rough & Tumble (aka “Gouging”) Notable Achievements: Let’s be perfectly clear: Bill “The Butcher” Poole was not an honorable man. The leader of both The Bowery Boys and the Know Nothing political movement, Poole terrorized the streets of New York City while spreading anti-Irish, anti-Catholic hate-speech throughout the mid-nineteenth century. He took part in Rough & Tumble — more accurately called “gouging” due to the fact that eye-gouging was not only allowed, but encouraged — contests as well as bare-knuckle boxing matches. Poole beat up heavyweight boxing champion John Morrissey so badly that The New York Daily Times wrote “[Morrissey] presented a shocking spectacle, and scarcely could any of his friends recognize him.” Though Morrissey’s men would shoot Poole in the chest over the incident, “The Butcher” lived for fourteen days with a bullet lodged in his heart. According to legend, his final words were “Good-bye, boys, I die a true American.” Why It Makes Sense: Was Bill “The Butcher” Poole a total scumbag? Yes — and that’s the entire point. Since Zuffa history depicts MMA as something that only the most vile, deplorable people took part in until Dana White invented rules (obviously not true, but history is written by the winners), painting Poole as the original MMA fighter actually makes sense.
Evan “Strangler” Lewis
Martial Art:Catch Wrestling Notable Achievements: Back when professional wrestling was actually a legitimate competition, Evan “Strangler” Lewis was one of the most feared men to lace up the boots. “Strangler” ran through his competition with frightening ease, masterfully utilizing the stranglehold — a technique you more than likely recognize as the rear-naked choke — to secure victory. His win over Ernest Roeber in a best-of-five match on March 2, 1893 made him the first American to become a world champion wrestler. Lewis would defend the title for two years before losing it to Martin “Farmer” Burns, and was inducted into The Professional Wrestling Hall of Fame in 2009. That he wasn’t exactly known for his sportsmanship is another story for another time, as is the way that many wrestling fans confuse him with Ed “Strangler” Lewis. Why It Makes Sense: He was the blueprint for every freakishly athletic wrestler to ever fight inside the Octagon, from Ken Shamrock to Cain Velasquez and all points in between.
Hit that “Next Page” button for a trio of fighters whose battles against each other made them all legends of the pre-Zuffa era.
(We’d include “The Dana White 24/7 feed — all Dana White, all the time,” but that’s kind of what the UFC is already. / Photo via Getty.)
If the UFC expects us to shell out $10 every month to watch local talent and foreign-language reality shows on the Internet, they’ve got another thing coming. Here are some suggestions for new Fight Pass content that would actually make the digital streaming service worth our time and money…
1. Live footage of fighter weight cuts (i.e., “sauna-cam”/”salt bath-cam”). Who wouldn’t want to see how brutal these things can get?
(We’d include “The Dana White 24/7 feed — all Dana White, all the time,” but that’s kind of what the UFC is already. / Photo via Getty.)
If the UFC expects us to shell out $10 every month to watch local talent and foreign-language reality shows on the Internet, they’ve got another thing coming. Here are some suggestions for new Fight Pass content that would actually make the digital streaming service worth our time and money…
1. Live footage of fighter weight cuts (i.e., “sauna-cam”/”salt bath-cam”). Who wouldn’t want to see how brutal these things can get?
10. “The World of Elliot”: A new video blog series starring that Elliot guy who shoots Dana White’s video blogs. (You know, the dude who’s always lurking in the background of staredowns? Yeah, that guy.)
11. Live-stream of the janitors cleaning up the arena after each event.
14. All the fighter interview footage that was left on the cutting room floor while creating the PPV intro packages, extended event trailers, UFC Primetime, and the rest of the UFC’s promotional offerings.
If you’re a UFC fan who doesn’t live in a densely-populated urban area with multiple sports-bar options within walking distance, chances are you’ve spent some time in a Buffalo Wild Wings, since it’s one of the only chain restaurants that reliably shows UFC events. The food is almost beside the point, though BWW is known for its wings (obviously) and the 16 signature sauces you can put on them.
So as a tribute to everyone who’s ever waited an hour-and-a-half for a table at B-Dubs because you’re too cheap to order a pay-per-view at home, I humbly present one of the dumbest list ideas I’ve ever come up with. Ladies and gentlemen, here are the 16 Buffalo Wild Wings wing sauces and their UFC fighter equivalents. Just be grateful I didn’t arrange this in slideshow format.
Sweet BBQ BWW description: “Traditional BBQ sauce: Satisfyingly sweet.” UFC fighter equivalent: Non-threatening and vaguely Southern? I’m gonna go with Jessamyn Duke — but only because Bubba McDaniel isn’t on the UFC roster anymore.
Teriyaki BWW description: “Terrifically tasty Teriyaki sauce.” UFC fighter equivalent:Takeya Mizugaki. He’s Japanese, he’s consistently good, but he’s not going to blow anybody’s mind, flavor-wise.
Mild BWW description: “Classic wing sauce: High flavor, low heat.” UFC fighter equivalent:Gleison Tibau, a guy who never made a major impact in the UFC and yet is tied for the most victories in UFC lightweight history. How the hell did that happen? Like mild sauce, he’s just always been around.
(Believe it or not, this isn’t a sponsored post. It’s just one of those things that happens when it’s a slow news week and you’re desperate.)
If you’re a UFC fan who doesn’t live in a densely-populated urban area with multiple sports-bar options within walking distance, chances are you’ve spent some time in a Buffalo Wild Wings, since it’s one of the only chain restaurants that reliably shows UFC events. The food is almost beside the point, though BWW is known for its wings (obviously) and the 16 signature sauces you can put on them.
So as a tribute to everyone who’s ever waited an hour-and-a-half for a table at B-Dubs because you’re too cheap to order a pay-per-view at home, I humbly present one of the dumbest list ideas I’ve ever come up with. Ladies and gentlemen, here are the 16 Buffalo Wild Wings wing sauces and their UFC fighter equivalents. Just be grateful I didn’t arrange this in slideshow format.
Sweet BBQ BWW description: “Traditional BBQ sauce: Satisfyingly sweet.” UFC fighter equivalent: Non-threatening and vaguely Southern? I’m gonna go with Jessamyn Duke — but only because Bubba McDaniel isn’t on the UFC roster anymore.
Teriyaki BWW description: “Terrifically tasty Teriyaki sauce.” UFC fighter equivalent:Takeya Mizugaki. He’s Japanese, he’s consistently good, but he’s not going to blow anybody’s mind, flavor-wise.
Mild BWW description: “Classic wing sauce: High flavor, low heat.” UFC fighter equivalent:Gleison Tibau, a guy who never made a major impact in the UFC and yet is tied for the most victories in UFC lightweight history. How the hell did that happen? Like mild sauce, he’s just always been around.
Parmesan Garlic BWW description: “Roasted garlic and Parmesan sauce with Italian herbs.” UFC fighter equivalent: Safe, dependable, classic, Italian…definitely Frankie Edgar. Huh. This list is turning out to be way more racist than I was planning. Stop now if this sort of thing makes you uncomfortable, because it’s only going to get worse from here.
Medium BWW description: “Classic wing sauce: Comfortably hot.” UFC fighter equivalent: Medium sauce is for people who aren’t total pussies, but aren’t particularly brave either. It’s middle of the road. Popular by default. You order it when you don’t know what else to order — just like UFC fighters call out Michael Bisping when they don’t know who else to call out. Medium sauce is the perennial contender/gatekeeper of sauces.
Honey BBQ BWW description: “A sweet, sassy sauce: Savor the flavor.” UFC fighter equivalent:Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone, of course. Like a sweet/savory sauce, he’s versatile — a threat on the feet and on the ground — and there’s nothing abrasive about him. Cerrone is just a good-time, go-down-smooth kind of fighter.
Spicy Garlic BWW description: “A tasty, spicy, garlicky good sauce.” UFC fighter equivalent: “Hey Chrissy I brought the bucket of rigatoni, we gonna eat here or what?”
Jammin’ Jalapeño™ BWW description: “Spicy jalapeños, blended with a touch of tequila and hint of lime. Sweet heat.” UFC fighter equivalent: My first thought was Cain Velasquez, but that “blended with a touch of tequila” bit clearly makes this one Diego Sanchez.
Asian Zing® BWW description: “Sweet meets heat: A chili pepper, soy and ginger sauce.” UFC fighter equivalent: In other words, a highly-ranked Asian with decent power. Chan Sung Jung. Let’s move on.
Caribbean Jerk BWW description: “Red peppers you love, island spices you crave: an exotic, delicious sauce.” UFC fighter equivalent: Carribbean? Jerk? Gotta go with Cuban training-partner bullyHector Lombard.
Thai Curry BWW description: “Herbs and spices combined with sweet chilies and a touch of curry flavor.” UFC fighter equivalent: Ah yes, the [Muay] Thai wrecking machine of wing sauces. It’s a toss-up between Jose Aldo and Renan Barao. They’re homies, so they can share this one.
Hot BBQ BWW description: “Rich BBQ sauce with a touch of heat.” UFC fighter equivalent: Welterweight champion (and Oklahoma good ol’ boy) Johny Hendricks, who’s wayyyyy more dangerous than his squat, bearded frame would suggest. (See also: Roy Nelson)
Hot BWW description: “Classic wing sauce: Delicious flavor, exhilarating heat.” UFC fighter equivalent: This is a no-brainer — Ronda Rousey, who’s a killer in the cage, and has the prickly personality to match. Plus she’s, you know, hot.
Mango Habanero™ BWW description: “Feel the burn, savor the sweet: Two sensations, one sauce” UFC fighter equivalent: I once ordered this sauce in a moment of drunken confusion, and I can honestly say it was the hottest thing I’ve ever ingested — and the morning-after ring of fire situation was just brutal. Eating wings with Mango Habanero sauce is a test of will that you can’t possibly win. It is Matt Brown.
Wild® BWW description: “Classic wing sauce: Big flavor, blisterin’ heat.” UFC fighter equivalent: Lightweight champ Anthony Pettis, a totally unpredictable fight-finisher who’s as graceful as he is violent. Approach with extreme caution, or you’ll get styled on, son.
Blazin’® BWW description: “Keep away from your eyes, pets, children: The hottest sauce we got. You’d BETTER-BE-READY BLAZIN’™” UFC fighter equivalent: Well, it’s the most dangerous sauce on the menu, and you’re supposed to keep it away from your eyes. I think this one goes without saying…
(“I’m telling you people, this is the most stacked UFC card OF ALL TIME!” / Photo via Getty)
Like price sticker residue on a prized picture frame, these myths refused to be scrubbed away. You’ll encounter them on forums, barroom discussions, and even from the mouths of so-called experts. What myths are these? We’re glad you asked…
By CagePotato.com Staff
1. MMA wouldn’t exist without Dana White. Wrong. See here.
2. Royce Gracie was a humble, respectful warrior. [Ed’s note: Hopefully there’s been enoughrecentevidence to put this falsehood to bed until the end of time.]
3. Chuck Liddell in his prime would have destroyed ________.
4. MMA has nothing in common with professional wrestling.
5. [Celebrity with zero combat sports experience] would make a great MMA fighter!
6. Motivated BJ Penn could/still can beat anybody.
(“I’m telling you people, this is the most stacked UFC card OF ALL TIME!” / Photo via Getty)
Like price sticker residue on a prized picture frame, these myths refused to be scrubbed away. You’ll encounter them on forums, barroom discussions, and even from the mouths of so-called experts. What myths are these? We’re glad you asked…
By CagePotato.com Staff
1. MMA wouldn’t exist without Dana White. Wrong. See here.
2. Royce Gracie was a humble, respectful warrior. [Ed’s note: Hopefully there’s been enoughrecentevidence to put this falsehood to bed until the end of time.]
3. Chuck Liddell in his prime would have destroyed ________.
4. MMA has nothing in common with professional wrestling.
5. [Celebrity with zero combat sports experience] would make a great MMA fighter!
6. Motivated BJ Penn could/still can beat anybody.
13. Basically refusing to sign Cris Cyborg forever.
14. Lying about all the fighter’s credentials and accomplishments for UFC 1.
15. Lying about all the fighter’s credentials and accomplishments in the modern day.
16. Instant rematches when the wrong guy wins.
17. Interviewing Hulk Hogan and the Undertaker whenever they show up at events.
18. The fact that you can buy Arianny t-shirts on the UFC website.
19. Every single time when they brought a potential opponent into the cage to square off with someone who just won their fight (this is our favorite example).
20. Bringing back Tank Abbott in the early 2000′s.
