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This Ronda Rousey ‘In Her Ass’ Card Could Have Been Designed Better…

(The MMA equivalent of the 1989 Billy Ripken Fleer card. / Props: Reddit)

Thanks to some hilariously poor design from the folks at Topps, this Ronda Rousey “In Her Ass” card is becoming a collector’s item. And yes, it’s a real thing. If you can snap one up on short notice, I’d say it’s a much better Christmas gift for the MMA fan in your life than a friggin’ lapel pin or a $65 pair of socks.

(The MMA equivalent of the 1989 Billy Ripken Fleer card. / Props: Reddit)

Crazy Enough to Be True: Ten Wild MMA Predictions for 2015

(Heading into 2015, these are the two most famous people associated with MMA. I’ve got nothing snarky to add to that.)

By Seth Falvo

With yet another year coming to an end, CagePotato.com is reviving an old holiday tradition: MMA predictions for the upcoming year that are so wild and outrageous that some of them might actually come to fruition. If you’re looking to read statements along the lines of “JOSE ALDO REMAINS DOMINANT AT FEATHERWEIGHT YOU GUYZZZ,” kindly move along; there are plenty of other two-bit MMA writers “brave” enough to state such obvious things for you. Still here? Then let’s grab some eggnog and see what 2015 has in store for us.

1. CM Punk‘s First UFC Opponent Won’t Even Have a Sherdog Profile When the Fight Is First Announced.

Look, the last thing that I want to do is get all high and mighty about the UFC’s decision to sign CM Punk; the UFC is a sports entertainment company, so why wouldn’t they sign the hottest free agent in sports entertainment? But at the same time, Punk’s qualifications to fight in the major leagues are non-existent. We’re dealing with a guy who, up to this point, has dabbled in jiu-jitsu and sparred a few times. Forget a UFC-caliber fighter — most people can’t even beat an experienced amateur fighter after less than a year of serious training. So let’s not even joke about whether or not CM Punk’s first UFC opponent will have his own Wikipedia page, because he obviously won’t. If the UFC expects any sane athletic commission to sanction a bout featuring Punk, they’re going to have to find somebody so obscure that not even the folks at Sherdog will know who he is.

2. A Member of the Official UFC Rankings Committee Is Accused of Partaking in a “Pay for Rankings” Scandal.

(Heading into 2015, these are the two most famous people associated with MMA. I’ve got nothing snarky to add to that.)

By Seth Falvo

1. CM Punk‘s First UFC Opponent Won’t Even Have a Sherdog Profile When the Fight Is First Announced.

2. A Member of the Official UFC Rankings Committee Is Accused of Partaking in a “Pay for Rankings” Scandal.

You know what really warms my heart? When people say things like “The UFC Rankings wouldn’t be so awful if the UFC got REAL JOURNALISTS” and “There’s no REAL JOURNALISM in MMA.” Completely lost on these people is that sports journalism is inherently fanboy writing designed to tell people what they want to believe and avoid hard-hitting topics, and that real journalists tend to cover real topics where they can make (comparatively) real money and not have to work second jobs. What, you didn’t think that the overwhelming majority of MMA writers cover this sport as their only sources of income, did you? Oh man, aren’t you just precious!

This is all to say that the moment the UFC announced how the official rankings will directly affect fighter pay, there likely was a manager who sent every member of the rankings panel an envelope full of cash and a convenient list of every fighter he manages. If that hasn’t already happened, it almost assuredly will once the new system actually kicks in next year.

3. A UFC Champion Sells The Right to Select His/Her Walkout Music.

We’ve seen independent music labels sponsor fighters before, sometimes with hilarious results. But I’m not necessarily talking about that: I’m saying that with even champions starting to wonder how their money is going to be affected by the UFC/Reebok deal, don’t be surprised to see one of them offer up the right to select his or her walkout music to the highest bidder in 2015. If you’re the person who ends up paying for the right to select a fighter’s entrance theme, I have one request: More “Badstreet, USA,” please.

4.) Brandon Vera Holds Belts in Two Different Weight Classes Simultaneously.

…I mean, it’s not like ONE FC has an overabundance of competition for him.

5.) Ben Askren: UFC Welterweight.

“But Seth,” you may be thinking, “Dana White says that Askren will never fight in the UFC!” To which I reply, well, great point. Women will never fight in the Octagon, Kimbo Slice will get killed in the UFC [Ed. Note: *sigh* Damn it, Houston…], and Phillipe Nover is GSP 2.0.

6.) A Fight-Fixing Scandal Rocks a Major MMA Organization.

So, Bellator is serious about bringing in professional wrestlers to act out dramatic storylines before what they assure us will be totally legitimate fights? Yeeeaaahhh…this may end poorly. For further reading — and as to not take the obvious route and single out Bellator — please refer to “Why I Fixed Fights” by Charles Farrell and “You Have Probably Watched a Fixed Fight in the UFC” by Mike Fagan.

7.) Rampage Jackson Goes Full Filho Mid-Fight.

Or perhaps more accurately, Rampage Jackson will go full “Mitch ‘Blood’ Green against Bruce Johnson.” Rampage has apparently re-signed with the UFC — despite the fact that he did nothing but whine about how awful the UFC was when he was last with the promotion — although Bellator seems prepared to battle the UFC in court for the right to keep booking him. There is no winner here. If Bellator actually thinks they’re getting one more legitimate fight out of ‘Page, they’re hopelessly delusional. And if the UFC actually thinks that a guy with Jackson’s persecution complex isn’t going to cause trouble this time around, well, I’m not sue that the English language has a word for that. I can see Rampage — frustrated by his position with the only two MMA companies who can afford to bring him in — allowing his next fight devolve into a certified catastrophe.

8.) Tito Ortiz: Bellator Light-Heavyweight Champion.

TITO IS BACK, BABY! Okay, so that’s a gigantic stretch. But seeing how easily the aforementioned Rampage Jackson effortlessly dispose of former Bellator champion Christian M’Pumbu, I wouldn’t be surprised at all to watch Tito Ortiz take home the second-most valuable Light-Heavyweight Championship in MMA.

9.) Matt Riddle: Professional Wrestling Champion.

You remember Matt Riddle, right? TUF castmember, UFC welterweight, likeable stoner? The one with the longish hair and the mushroom tattoo? Yeah, he’s training to be a professional wrestler now. I see no reason why an indie wrestling organization won’t put a title around his waist in 2015.

And now, let’s bring everything full-circle and end with another Phil Brooks prediction:

10.) CM Punk Walks Out on the UFC.

The guy who walked out on the WWE over mistreatment from both the WWE and the professional wrestling fans who’ve never wrestled a day in their lives, yet think they know everything about being a wrestler. He then signs with the UFC, seemingly convinced that the UFC isn’t exploitative at all whatsoever and that MMA fans are the most respectful people alive. Well, Mr. Brooks, to borrow a quote from one of your former colleagues, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news…

So Mickey Rourke’s Homeless, Mentally Unstable Opponent Definitely Took a Dive

(The immortal words of Jim Ross don’t even do this finish justice.)

In news that literally anyone could have seen coming, the homeless, mentally unstable man that Mickey Rourke fought in Russia last month has finally admitted to taking a dive.

Speaking to TMZ earlier today, Elliot Seymour confessed that he was paid $15,000 to go down due to a body shot in the second round of Rourke’s return to the ring — 10K up front and the rest when he returned to the U.S. Seymour additionally stated that he was specifically told not to hit the 62-year-old actor in the head, but that he also did not believe Rourke was in on the fix.

“Mickey’s a stand-up guy.” said Seymour. “Being a powerful person, you have a lot of people that are kissing up to you for various reasons.”

A video of Seymour’s full interview after the jump.

(The immortal words of Jim Ross don’t even do this finish justice.)

In news that literally anyone could have seen coming, the homeless, mentally unstable man that Mickey Rourke fought in Russia last month has finally admitted to taking a dive.

“Mickey’s a stand-up guy.” said Seymour. “Being a powerful person, you have a lot of people that are kissing up to you for various reasons.”

A video of Seymour’s full interview is below.

You know what, I’m almost tempted to believe Seymour’s claim that Rourke wasn’t in on it. Rourke had clearly gotten himself in amazing shape for the fight, and his reaction to Seymour going down seemed to be that of legitimate surprise. Then again, Mickey Rourke was in The Expendables *and* Java Heat, so we know the man can do nothing if not act up a storm.

I guess I’m saying that I just don’t know what to believe anymore. How could I? It’s 2014, CM Punk is in the UFC, and a Miletich fighter is the welterweight champion. In fact, I’m starting to get the sneaking suspicion that this whole MMA/Boxing/combats sports thing is a sham and we’re all just figments of Tommy Westphall’s imagination.

–J.Jones

So Mickey Rourke May Have Beaten Up a Mentally Unstable Homeless Man Last Weekend

(Rourke vs. Elliot Seymour, Round 2. Come for the funny accents, stay for the SAVAGE body shots.)

While you were pausing to check your phone in between trips to the Golden Corral buffet line this Thanksgiving weekend, you might have heard that 62 year-old actor Mickey Rourke returned to the boxing ring after a 20 year absence to face off against 29 year-old Elliot Seymour in Moscow. You might also have heard that star of The Wrestler not only survived the encounter, but actually walked away the victor via a second round TKO.

What you might not have heard (or seen) was the fight itself, which played out in the kind of cringeworthy fashion you would expect of a Russian freakshow fight between a 62 year-old and a 1-9 journeyman. Rourke repeatedly dropped Seymour with body shots that looked…let’s say “less than devastating”, leading many fans to cry foul mere moments after the fight was waved off. (“A Hollywood actor playing make believe? I for one am flabbergasted!” — Nobody)

And unfortunately, today brings an even more depressing insight into the story of Rourke’s glorious absolute victory. We’ll let The Daily Mail explain:

In an exclusive interview, a source close to Seymour’s family, said: ‘It was clearly a fixed fight. The whole bouncing off the ropes, hands down, punches were not landing and they were intentionally hitting each other’s gloves.

There are people at Wild Card gym who know that Elliot’s in a really terrible situation and pretty much living on the streets, these are Mickey Rourke’s people who Elliot’s been around and known for some time.

All these headlines Mickey Rourke beat someone half his age… yeah he did but you’re not telling them the real story, the real story is he’s homeless and desperate and he will probably go back to living on the streets when he gets back. People have no clue about that.

(Rourke vs. Elliot Seymour, Round 2. Come for the funny accents, stay for the SAVAGE body shots.)

And unfortunately, today brings an even more depressing insight into the story of Rourke’s glorious absolute victory. We’ll let The Daily Mail explain:

In an exclusive interview, a source close to Seymour’s family, said: ‘It was clearly a fixed fight. The whole bouncing off the ropes, hands down, punches were not landing and they were intentionally hitting each other’s gloves.

There are people at Wild Card gym who know that Elliot’s in a really terrible situation and pretty much living on the streets, these are Mickey Rourke’s people who Elliot’s been around and known for some time.

All these headlines Mickey Rourke beat someone half his age… yeah he did but you’re not telling them the real story, the real story is he’s homeless and desperate and he will probably go back to living on the streets when he gets back. People have no clue about that. There’s so much more to the situation than people know, and there’s so much that’s more important than the fact it was fixed, which is the fact he doesn’t have a home and he’s got some mental health issues. They told him to throw the fight, I hope he gets home safely and paid. They wanted him down in the 4th.’

Anyone with half a brain could have predicted that a fight featuring a 60+ year-old Hollywood actor would end under sketchy circumstances, but this development truly makes you realize the no-win situation Rourke put himself in by agreeing to this in the first place. If he was paired against a semi-competent opponent and destroyed, we would have mocked him for daring to think he could still compete at his age. If he went the other route, *this* route, you knew that it would only be a matter of time before the horrific details began to emerge. Honestly, I’m just going to say that Rourke looks to be in great shape and walk away whistling.

But yeah, Mickey Rourke beat up a homeless, mentally unstable drifter in Russia on Black Friday, which is quite possibly the most beautiful series of words ever committed to the CP WordPress.

BREAKING: We have just received word that Rourke actually competed in another, bare-knuckle match over the weekend, and the results were equally as vicious. A gif of the finish is below:

Brutal. Just brutal.

–J. Jones

Damn, Scott Coker & Co. Are Really Pulling Out All the Stops to Promote Bellator 131

In the MMA marketing game, the list of tactics used to promote a fight card goes something like this:

1. Bring in a recently disgraced legend from your more popular rival promotion to play skeeball/sign autographs.

2. Everything else.

Unfortunately for Bellator, option 1 is no longer on the table, as Wanderlei Silva has been contractually cock-blocked from appearing at their Dave & Busters party this Friday. So with their backs against the wall, Scott Coker’s crack team of ad execs have been forced to reach deep into their idea banks to promote this weekend’s Bellator 131 card. The results have been nothing short of hilarious — like something Jackie Moon would come up with if he was stuck in a creative slump.

Bellator kicked things off in style last night with (what I can only assume was) their first “Taco Tuesday” event, hosted at Dave & Busters and MC’ed by Bellator colorman Jimmy Smith — who I absolutely refuse to talk trash about because he seems awesome. If you hadn’t guessed, “Taco Tuesday” pitted 10 or so diehard MMA fans against one another in a taco-eating competition, with the winner earning a ticket to Bellator 131. And right now, AS WE SPEAK, the promotion is hosting a scavenger hunt across San Diego for, you guessed it, tickets to Bellator 131.

After the jump: Play-by-play analysis of said scavenger hunt (not really), and a few of our ideas about how Bellator can promote themselves in the future.

In the MMA marketing game, the list of tactics used to promote a fight card goes something like this:

1. Bring in a recently disgraced legend from your more popular rival promotion to play skeeball/sign autographs.

2. Everything else.

Personally, I think these promotional stunts are brilliant. Whereas Dana White just gives UFC tickets away on Twitter, Bellator really wants to make you earn the right to see Stephan Bonnar fight Tito freakin’ Ortiz in 2014. I mean, how can you *not* appreciate a company that is backed by the multi-billion dollar Viacom, yet resorts the same promotional strategies as a minor league baseball team? It’s like Scott Coker wandered into a Chuck E. Cheese for the first time ever last weekend and got really, really inspired.

And his inspiration is inspiring me, dammit. So if Bellator is looking for some other promotional ideas for Bellator 131 or any future card, really, they can either hire me or observe the following list.

Topple “The Colossus” Night

This would be kind of like of like Pin the Tail on the Donkey, only with James Thompson‘s chin serving as the donkey and a Bellator fan’s fist as the tail. Basically, you’d give a bunch of average Joe’s the opportunity to KO Thompson while blindfolded, and the first 5 to do so would win tickets, a Power Card, jalapeno poppers, etc.

Wac-a-Mole Night With Stephan Bonnar’s Training Partners!

The criminal mastermind known as Tito Ortiz has placed a mole somewhere inside Bonnar’s camp, and it’s up to you to smoke it out!

Date a Fighter Night

Think The Dating Game. One lucky lady gets to choose 1 out of 3 fighters to go on a date with based on their answers to a series of blindly-asked questions. Those 3 fighters: Dave Rickels, Dakota Cochrane, Tim Sylvia.

Domestic Violence Awareness Night

More often than not, this would follow “Date a Fighter Night.”

Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader: Bellator Edition?

Blah blah blah the fifth grader is Tito Ortiz.

So there you go, Bellator. Remember, there’s plenty more where that came from and I work for relatively cheap.

–J. Jones

The Greatest Erotic MMA Fan Fiction of All Time

(Come up with your own caption, perverts. / Photo via Getty)

UFC Fight Night 56 happened last night and it was pretty boring. During the lull in action, we wondered if there was a prominent MMA fan fiction scene. It turns out there was! The only drawback: A vast majority of the stories featured prominent fighters having sex with other prominent fighters.

We’re not really sure how to say this with our characteristic irreverent tone, so we’re just going to flat out say it: There’s a shit load of MMA slash fic out there. We found it. It’s…well, you need to see for yourself. We don’t like to exaggerate in the headlines but this stuff is far out.

Please don’t construe this as us trying to insult the author. We’re the guys who watch Ultimate Surrender, so we can’t judge how anyone gets their rocks off. We just thought these stories were kind of funny. We think it’s great someone is passionate enough about MMA to write this kind of stuff, honestly. Here are some excerpts from the more wild stories:

(Come up with your own caption, perverts. / Photo via Getty)

Title: UFC 178 Date
Fighters who bang: Nick Diaz and Alexander Gustafsson.
Summary: Nate Diaz pukes on Gustafsson and passes out. Then Gustafsson punches Nick Diaz in the face and Nick gives him a blowjob.
Excerpt:

He leaned over and kissed Nick on the cheek that he punched. Nick turned towards him and kissed him back. Gustafsson took his shirt off. He’d been dying to get it off. It still smelled of Nate’s vomit. Nick kept his T-shirt on and both fighters made out on the sofa.

Check out the full story for the x-rated parts [Ed’s note: We’d post the erotic details here but corporate doesn’t really like serious, hardcore fetish writing posted on their web properties.]

Title: Mayhem In Stockton
Fighters who bang: Nick Diaz and Mayhem Miller.
Summary: After Mayhem Miller loses to CB Dollaway, he runs into Nick Diaz in the locker room. They have a scuffle and Diaz gives Miller a blowjob.
Excerpt:

He laid still as Diaz hiked up his shirt and started to kiss his chest. ‘Hey Nick how much have you smoked today?’ Miller asked, confused.
‘None, you want me to stop?’ Diaz asked, leaning over on Miller’s stomach and twisting his belt.
‘Fuck no, just making conversation,’ Miller said as he pushed Nick’s hand away and undid his own belt. Miller kind of guessed that Nick hadn’t been the academic type at school and Diaz wasn’t gonna give ‘the eggheads’ a run for their money, but he had to give it to him, the kid knew how to give a good blowjob.

Again, see the full story for more sexy details.

Title: Weidman vs. Silva 3.
Fighters who bang: Chris Weidman, Anderson Silva (with a cameo from Nick Diaz)
Summary: Chris Weidman visits Anderson Silva in the hospital after their second fight and they make out and do some light foreplay.
Excerpt:

‘Now I have to go back to the hotel room…without you. It sucks,’ Chris said leaning over and kissing Silva on the mouth. Silva didn’t have the energy to kiss him back, but he stroked Chris’ arm instead. Weidman and Silva had been seeing each other since early June, before their first fight during UFC 162. Neither of them had planned it. For both of them. It was casual. Chris liked it that way, until tonight. Ever since that kick, Chris had jsut wanted to take Silva home and look after him.

Here’s a link to the full story.

Title: Dana vs. Daley
Fighters who bang: Dana White and Paul Daley.
Summary: Paul Daley gets on his knees so he can return to the UFC.
Excerpt:

Without warning Paul scurried over to Dana on the chair and kissed him. Without thinking Dana kissed him back. They made out on the sofa until Paul started to unbuckle Dana’s jeans. Dana’s leg twitched.

Read the full story.

—

Those were the most notable stories. And to reiterate, we’re not trying to make fun of the guy who wrote these. We throw shade at Zuffa (and Viacom) brass, not at MMA fans just trying to have fun and share their love (albeit erotic) of MMA with other people. If you’d like more MMA fan fiction, go here — though we can understand if you never want to read MMA fanfic again.