Tag: Insanity

Bold Insane Statement of the Day: Cub Swanson Could Beat Jose Aldo “10 Out of 10 Times”…In a Rematch

I’m a bit puzzled, Potato Nation.

You see, when I sat down at my computer after lunch, I was under the assumption that I was still participating in this thing we call Planet Earth. Little did I know that, while reheating the few scraps of ground beef that managed to survive Meatloaf Monday, I had apparently been thrust into some sort of magical UNICEF fantasy world in which everyone was twelve stories high and made of radiation and Cub Swanson can claim that he would kick Jose Aldo‘s ass 10 times out of 10.

Confused? Well just listen to what Cub told Sherdog’s “Beatdown” radio show and prepare to be even more bewildered:

I know that I could win that fight 10 out of 10 times if we did it again. It’s not even an issue to me anymore. I’d actually like my brother — would love for my brother — to fight him, who’s an up-and-comer, which I feel is more of a fair fight. I don’t really feel like [himself vs. Aldo] would be a fair fight at all.

Call me old fashioned, but when I make some contrived, ridiculous, he’s-got-to-be-joking statement, I’d like to think I did the math right when making said statement. This isn’t Vietnam, Cub, there are rules here. AND YOU CAN’T JUST START THE FIGHT COUNTER WHEREVER YOU WANT.

But since you’re a man of numbers, allow me to throw one at you. Eight. You lasted eight seconds with the dude the last time around. According to Michael Bisping, that is 14 minutes and 52 seconds less than a typical virgin lasts on prom night. And now you want your brother to be next in line at the slaughterhouse? It looks to me like somebody completely missed the point of The Hunger Games. 

I’m a bit puzzled, Potato Nation.

You see, when I sat down at my computer after lunch, I was under the assumption that I was still participating in this thing we call Planet Earth. Little did I know that, while reheating the few scraps of ground beef that managed to survive Meatloaf Monday, I had apparently been thrust into some sort of magical UNICEF fantasy world in which everyone was twelve stories high and made of radiation and Cub Swanson can claim that he would kick Jose Aldo‘s ass 10 times out of 10.

Confused? Well just listen to what Cub told Sherdog’s “Beatdown” radio show and prepare to be even more bewildered:

I know that I could win that fight 10 out of 10 times if we did it again. It’s not even an issue to me anymore. I’d actually like my brother — would love for my brother — to fight him, who’s an up-and-comer, which I feel is more of a fair fight. I don’t really feel like [himself vs. Aldo] would be a fair fight at all.

Call me old fashioned, but when I make some contrived, ridiculous, he’s-got-to-be-joking statement, I’d like to think I did the math right when making said statement. This isn’t Vietnam, Cub, there are rules here. AND YOU CAN’T JUST START THE FIGHT COUNTER WHENEVER YOU WANT.

But since you’re a man of numbers, allow me to throw one at you. Eight. You lasted eight seconds with the dude the last time around. According to Michael Bisping, that is 14 minutes and 52 seconds less than a typical virgin lasts on prom night. And now you want your brother to be next in line at the slaughterhouse? It looks to me like somebody completely missed the point of The Hunger Games. 

Honestly, I don’t even know what to make of a notion so ridiculous, except to say that I now sympathize with Mitt Romney more than I previously thought possible. At least he didn’t attempt to open a window on a plane — coincidentally causing that plane to crash into a mountain — and then declare that opening a window on a plane would definitely never cause a plane to crash into a mountain. Yeah, I know that makes no sense, but apparently we’re living in a world where we can make these kind of logical leaps without repercussion.

And while there’s little denying that Swanson has clearly elevated his game since the loss to Aldo at WEC 41, we can’t exactly condone the spewing of such mathematically retarded points as the one he is trying to make. We’ve heard of poking the bull, but Swanson sounds like he’s trying to jam his thumb right up the bull’s butt hole. 

But on the off chance that Swanson is not next for a featherweight sacrifice title shot after his beatdown of Charles Oliveira at UFC 152 (because who really knows what the hell is happening at 145 anyway), he has offered up several options for Sean Shelby to consider.

The Koch fight, I think he’s a real tough kid. I was supposed to fight him twice and I feel terrible that I wasn’t able to follow through with that for the fans and for him. That’s something I want back. The Zombie is just somebody who everybody loves. Everyone thinks he’s the best up-and-comer, and I don’t think so. That’s somebody I would love to throw down with. Lamas, he’s a stud and I felt like that was my fight and I messed up and I would like to give it another shot.

Well, for once we’re in agreement. Swanson has more than earned a shot at some top-level competition, the question is, who would you like to see him fight next?

–J. Jones

Throwback Fight of the Day: Before Becoming a Force in XARM, Bond Laupua Lost to Dan Quinn

We’re just hours away from UFC 152, where we will be treated to great fights between our sport’s top athletes. So, to get us in the mood for tonight’s action, let’s take a look at something completely different. Before establishing himself as the destroyer of Tater freakin’ Williams, top XARM heavyweight* Bond Laupua made his MMA debut against renowned crazy person Dan Quinn at Gladiator Challenge: First Strike in October 2009. And despite everything about pitting a future XARM athlete fighter competitor against a wild-eyed Stevia enthusiast seeming legitimate, the fight quickly turned into a bizarre freak show.

We’re just hours away from UFC 152, where we will be treated to great fights between our sport’s top athletes. So, to get us in the mood for tonight’s action, let’s take a look at something completely different. Before establishing himself as the destroyer of Tater freakin’ Williams, top XARM heavyweight* Bond Laupua made his MMA debut against renowned crazy person Dan Quinn at Gladiator Challenge: First Strike in October 2009. And despite everything about pitting a future XARM athlete fighter competitor against a wild-eyed Stevia enthusiast seeming legitimate, the fight quickly turned into a bizarre freak show.

It has to be frustrating to coach a fighter like Dan Quinn, who all but refuses to follow the most basic advice his corner gives him. His corner practically has to beg him to throw some punches, but don’t worry, Bond Laupua tires himself out far before Dan’s Homer Simpson-esque strategy can backfire. Dan lands some hard punches on the exhausted Bond Lapua, then backs away, generously giving Laupua the opportunity to recover. But much like the referee for my eighth grade dance off, this ref realizes that things can quickly go from embarrassing to tragic, and ain’t nobody got time for that. The shenanigans are over in one minute and forty nine seconds.

Of course, since getting TKO’d by Dan Quinn, Bond would reinvent himself in XARM, where “I don’t really have a strategy” is the perfect strategy for becoming a certified decapitator of the souls of mere mortals. Frankly, I’m not entirely sure that’s an improvement.

*Probably. I mean, I don’t know of any other XARM fighters, but how many people are actually competing in this sideshow?

@SethFalvo

[VIDEO] The “Albanian Assassin” Has the Meanest Mean-Mug in the History of Mean-Mugs


(“Tonight……you.”)

From a writer’s standpoint, there are a couple ways to approach a fight video as clownshit crazy as the one you are about to witness. The first is to provide a play-by-play breakdown of the action in a noble (but ultimately futile) attempt to try and make sense of the lunacy you just witnessed. The other method involves coming to the realization that your words are indeed ultimately futile and that the fight video should simply be digested as is.

It’s safe to say that when this happens before the fight even begins, you must follow the latter method.

Full video after the jump. Trust us, you *need* to see this. 


(“Tonight……you.”)

From a writer’s standpoint, there are a couple ways to approach a fight video as clownshit crazy as the one you are about to witness. The first is to provide a play-by-play breakdown of the action in a noble (but ultimately futile) attempt to try and make sense of the lunacy you just witnessed. The other method involves coming to the realization that your words are indeed ultimately futile and that the fight video should simply be digested as is.

It’s safe to say that when this happens before the fight even begins, you must follow the latter method.

Apparently this fight took place on October 29th, 2011, at an event named…you know what, it doesn’t matter. All you have to know is that Ken Shamrock apparently rage-fucked an illegitimate child into existence during his downward spiral into woman beating. A child that, lacking a fatherly presence to steer him in the right direction, took to cat strangling and misdemeanor arson to quell the ever-present anger boiling inside him before making the move to MMA.

He goes by Euraldi “The Albanian Assassin,” because fear does not have a last name. His victim, who apparently stumbled into the ring thinking it was a spinning class, went by Andy Grayby. That’s right, went. 

He never stood a chance.


The Geekiest Cage Fighter Ever – Watch More Funny Videos

When attempting to contact Euraldi, his likely butchered family, or the one friend all serial killers typically have, we came up with nothing. In fact, we could only secure an interview with a former doctor of his, who stated the following:

I met him, fifteen years ago. I was told there was nothing left. No reason, no conscience, no understanding; even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, good or evil, right or wrong. I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face and, the blackest eyes… the devil’s eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that boy’s eyes was purely and simply…evil.

Chilling stuff.

–J. Jones

Twitter Contest: MMA Fighters in Only Three Words [#MMAFighterIn3Words]


(Too. Damn. Talented.)

By: Jason Moles

I’m sure there are more important things to talk about just days away from Jones-Henderson Jones-Sonnen Jones-Machida Jones-Belfort than another gimmicky post attempting to be relevant, but it’s been a while since we gave away CagePotato T-Shirts and we love you guys so much that we’ve decided to do it again. Here’s how it’s going to go down. Below is a list of 25 fighters and a brave attempt to describe them in three words. Not two, not four, just three simple words. Pretty easy, right? Read through them, then tweet us @CagePotatoMMA with your own three-word MMA fighter descriptions, including the hashtag #MMAFighterIn3Words. The three best submissions by tomorrow at 5 p.m. ET will win a shirt. (We’ll update this post with the winners after we select them.) Now let’s begin, shall we?

Quinton “Rampage” Jackson: Exit stage left.

Alexander “The Mauler” Gustafsson: Seeking next level.

Jon “Bones” Jones: If Healthy, Undefeated.*

Diego “The Dream” Sanchez: Starting over again.

Leonard Garcia: God help him.

Matt Hughes: Slayer of beasts.


(Too. Damn. Talented.)

By: Jason Moles

I’m sure there are more important things to talk about just days away from Jones-Henderson Jones-Sonnen Jones-Machida Jones-Belfort than another gimmicky post attempting to be relevant, but it’s been a while since we gave away CagePotato T-Shirts and we love you guys so much that we’ve decided to do it again. Here’s how it’s going to go down. Below is a list of 25 fighters and a brave attempt to describe them in three words. Not two, not four, just three simple words. Pretty easy, right? Read through them, then tweet us @CagePotatoMMA with your own three-word MMA fighter descriptions, including the hashtag #MMAFighterIn3Words. The three best submissions by tomorrow at 5 p.m. ET will win a shirt. (We’ll update this post with the winners after we select them.) Now let’s begin, shall we?

Quinton “Rampage” Jackson: Exit stage left.

Alexander “The Mauler” Gustafsson: Seeking next level.

Jon “Bones” Jones: If Healthy, Undefeated.*

Diego “The Dream” Sanchez: Starting over again.

Leonard Garcia: God help him.

Matt Hughes: Slayer of beasts.

Nate Diaz: Championship is possible.

Nick Diaz: Public relations nightmare.

Anderson “The Spider” Silva: Greatest fighter ever.

Chael Sonnen: Milking his schtick.

Brian Stann: Tough but limited.

“Big Country” Roy Nelson: Needs Mike Dolce.

Rich “Ace” Franklin: Lifetime company man.

“The Axe Murderer” Wanderlei Silva: Should retire soon.

Benson “Smooth” Henderson: Still question power.

Clay “The Carpenter” Guida: Seemingly no plan.

Shane Carwin: Age now issue.

Frank Mir: Another convenient injury.

Forrest Griffin: Chin erosion continues

Josh Koscheck: Still a d*ck.

Michael “The Count” Bisping: Continually underrated talent

“The American Psycho” Stephan Bonnar: Don’t count out.

“The Natural Born Killer” Carlos Condit: Don’t count on.

Pat “HD” Barry: Next stop, Strikeforce.

Georges “Rush” St.Pierre: Per for mance.

* I will never concede that Matt Hamill “won” that fight. That was a garbage-ass call.

Sad Video of the Day: Behold, The First XARM Knockout of 2012


(Personally, I think this is a reasonable reaction.) 

We don’t mean to judge a book by it’s cover, but when that cover is a 327 lb man who goes by the name Tater Williams, it’s safe to say that he will more than likely end up on the wrong side of a knockout. Scratch that, a 327 lb dude named Tater Williams should most certainly end up on the RIGHT side of a knockout if anything. His name is freaking TATER FREAKING WILLIAMS, and he uses catchphrases like “Five of these across the sneeze,” and “You’re gonna get that about 147 times” in between asthmatic gasps for air. “That” being the aforementioned sneeze punches. Throw in the fact that Tater is apparently “a really great athlete” who has studied judo, wrestling, sambo, and had a high school wrestling record of 226-12* and Tater is not only looking like a well-rounded Goliath, but a man who could decimate Junior Dos Santos, Cain Velasquez, and Alistair Overeem without batting an eye. At the same time. While in a diabetic coma.

Sadly, things do go quite according to plan (have they ever, really?) in the next chapter of the XARM saga, a sport so hilariously misguided that it really makes you yearn for the subtle nuances of wheelchair MMA. In today’s contest, Tater finds himself matched up against the slightly slimmer Bond Laupua (I swear to God I am not making these names up), who is quick to admit that “I don’t really have a strategy” heading into the fight. The announcers inform us that Tater’s gameplan was to gain weight. HOW DID HE LOSE THIS.

Join us after the jump to see two bears wrestle over a jar of honey until one falls down. 


(Personally, I think this is a reasonable reaction.) 

We don’t mean to judge a book by it’s cover, but when that cover is a 327 lb man who goes by the name Tater Williams, it’s safe to say that he will more than likely end up on the wrong side of a knockout. Scratch that, a 327 lb dude named Tater Williams should most certainly end up on the RIGHT side of a knockout if anything. His name is freaking TATER FREAKING WILLIAMS, and he uses catchphrases like “Five of these across the sneeze,” and “You’re gonna get that about 147 times” in between asthmatic gasps for air. “That” being the aforementioned sneeze punches. Throw in the fact that Tater is apparently “a really great athlete” who has studied judo, wrestling, sambo, and had a high school wrestling record of 226-12* and Tater is not only looking like a well-rounded Goliath, but a man who could decimate Junior Dos Santos, Cain Velasquez, and Alistair Overeem without batting an eye. At the same time. While in a diabetic coma.

Sadly, things do go quite according to plan (have they ever, really?) in the next chapter of the XARM saga, a sport so hilariously misguided that it really makes you yearn for the subtle nuances of wheelchair MMA. In today’s contest, Tater finds himself matched up against the slightly slimmer Bond Laupua (I swear to God I am not making these names up), who is quick to admit that “I don’t really have a strategy” heading into the fight. The announcers inform us that Tater’s gameplan was to gain weight. HOW DID HE LOSE THIS.

See how below.

Well, at least it was quick.

Is it just us, or when Tater and Bond are “jogging for position” as one of the announcers put it (we think he meant jockeying), does it look like they both got their hand stuck in the same pickle jar and are desperately trying to get the last one at the bottom? And speaking of announcers, you just gotta love that when the knockout abruptly comes, the “color commentator” simply gives a delayed “Holy shit!” I guess the color he specializes in is brown, amiright guys?! *crickets*

But alas, a knee at the 1:30 mark forces Tater to go into Bob Sapp mode, except he can’t fall to the ground because his other arm is attached to that of his opponent’s. A few kicks to the face and that is all she wrote for the Tater, whose chicken pot pie will taste just a little bit worse tonight. Laupua followed through on his promise to knock Williams out on the feet and leave “300 pounds dangling” from the XARM table. Now go collect your trophy, which probably looks something like this, and let’s move on.

Come to think of it, we should try to get Sapp to convert to this freak show. His “striking” technique would fit in perfectly with the drunken baby style that XARM has nearly trademarked, he would get punched far less, and he could finally fight guys somewhere near his skill level. Or we could witness the first submission to strikes in XARM history. Either way, the audience clearly wins.

Now Goldstein, what do I have to do to get some CP shirts made with Tater fist-posing on the front and the phrase “Five of these across the sneeze” on the back? Seriously, I’ll give a week’s pay if I have to.

*I cannot confirm any of that, nor have I bothered to research it. His name is Tater, therefore he is telling the truth. Besides, his reputation clearly precedes him. 

–J. Jones

Anderson Silva vs. Stephan Bonnar Booked for New UFC 153 Headliner; Edgar Removed From Card, Maldonado and Big Nog Added


(“The Burger King Triple Stacker — I don’t jump up to light-heavyweight on short notice without it.”)

After UFC 153 lost its main event and co-main event in the same day, UFC matchmakers needed to get creative if they wanted to avoid another financially devastating event-cancellation. And by God, they’ve gotten creative. USA Today has just confirmed that Anderson Silva will now be headlining the October 13th event in Rio de Janeiro, in a light-heavyweight feature against…Stephan, freakin’, Bonnar. Allow that delicious insanity to sink in for just a moment. Alright, let’s continue.

The report follows an earlier story broken by MMAFighting, which confirmed that Frankie Edgar has been removed from the event altogether. So if you chose “other” in today’s poll, award yourself five PotatoBux.

This will be the third light-heavyweight UFC appearance for Silva, who previously scored brilliant knockouts against 205’ers James Irvin (in July 2008) and Forrest Griffin (in August 2009). Bonnar, who is currently riding a three-fight win streak, has been vocal in recent months about his desire to get at least one more big fight before he exits the sport — remember his campaign for a TUF coaching gig against Griffin? — and sort of retired in July due to his frustration that another marquee matchup wasn’t materializing. Well, Bonnar’s got his big fish, for better or for worse. And if he lasts more than one round against the Spider, he’ll do better than any UFC light-heavyweight before him.


(“The Burger King Triple Stacker — I don’t jump up to light-heavyweight on short notice without it.”)

After UFC 153 lost its main event and co-main event in the same day, UFC matchmakers needed to get creative if they wanted to avoid another financially devastating event-cancellation. And by God, they’ve gotten creative. USA Today has just confirmed that Anderson Silva will now be headlining the October 13th event in Rio de Janeiro, in a light-heavyweight feature against…Stephan, freakin’, Bonnar. Allow that delicious insanity to sink in for just a moment. Alright, let’s continue.

The report follows an earlier story broken by MMAFighting, which confirmed that Frankie Edgar has been removed from the event altogether. So if you chose “other” in today’s poll, award yourself five PotatoBux.

This will be the third light-heavyweight UFC appearance for Silva, who previously scored brilliant knockouts against 205′ers James Irvin (in July 2008) and Forrest Griffin (in August 2009). Bonnar, who is currently riding a three-fight win streak, has been vocal in recent months about his desire to get at least one more big fight before he exits the sport — remember his campaign for a TUF coaching gig against Griffin? — and sort of retired in July due to his frustration that another marquee matchup wasn’t materializing. Well, Bonnar’s got his big fish, for better or for worse. And if he lasts more than one round against the Spider, he’ll do better than any UFC light-heavyweight before him.

USA Today also reports that Brazilian gut-puncher Fabio Maldonado will be replacing Quinton Jackson in the UFC 153 co-main event against light-heavyweight rising star Glover Teixeira. Maldonado, who has lost back-to-back decisions against Kyle Kingsbury and Igor Pokrajac, was originally scheduled to fight Jorgen Kruth at UFC on FX 5 later this month, until Kruth retired out of the blue.

Also thickening up the UFC 153 main card will be a heavyweight feature between Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira — who’s coming back from his arm-shattering loss to Frank Mir in December — and Dave Herman, who has been knocked out in his last two fights against Stefan Struve and Roy Nelson.

As UFC president Dana White said about the new matchups:

“We’re back on track. Anderson Silva wasn’t scheduled to fight at all. I called him today, and he’s shooting a commercial in Brazil. Anderson Silva steps up, and Stephan Bonnar wants to fight him. The Teixeira vs. Maldonado fight comes together, and then Nogueira was standing right there with Anderson shooting the commercial with him, and he said he wanted to fight, too.

This is old-school UFC. A card is in jeopardy, but guys that are world champions and superstars stepped up and jumped in and saved the card. This is why the fans love this sport and why we went on a 12-year run without canceling an event.”

So what do you guys think of the new UFC 153 main event? Awesome, or totally stupid but still kind of awesome?